Effortlessness...

Effortlessness. How good does that feel? Ever notice how good life is when things flow naturally. More of that would be nice, wouldn't it? It's a New Year! Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Almost New Year!...

"Coffee isn't helping. Get the jumper cables."

-Anonymous

Ha ha. Happy almost New Year everyone! Still some more eating, drinking and staying up late to do ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Indulgence...

"Dear Liver, This month will be rough. Stay strong."

- Anonymous

Yup, that's December ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Christmas Spirit...

"I just found my Christmas Spirit. It's been on the shelf at the liquor store this whole time!"
  - Anonymous

Ha ha. Seriously, though, I think it's totally counter-intuitive that the "holidays" bring such stress and duress to many of us. The holidays should bring presents, good food and drink, fun with family and friends, time off work and other good stuff. So why do we end up spent, in more ways than one?? Perhaps.... too much drinking, too much eating, gifts we didn't need or want, a huge visa bill, work piling up in our absence, family we may not see eye to eye with, lack of sleep, lack of personal space and down time.... Ahhhh, now it makes sense, Lol ;)

Wishing everyone some much needed time and indulgence for self :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Farting around ;) ...

"I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anyone tell you different."

- Kurt Vonnegut

Happy farting everyone ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Chosen family...

"You can always tell when two people are best friends because they are having more fun than it makes sense for them to be having." - Anonymous

Wishing us all such connections in life...  :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Life goes on...

"I can't be worried about that shit. Life goes on, man."
 - The Big Lebowski

Exactly...

Blessings,

Chatgirl

No words...

"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing."

- Robert Benchley

But seriously... sometimes there are no words. Just tremors through our hearts, bodies, minds, souls....

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The New Year...

"Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company."

- Mark Twain

Lol ;) In other words, be good, but not that good. Live a little, I say. Life is too short to worry excessively about what other people think. Duty, obligation, "musts".... overrated!

Happy New Year! Let's spoil ourselves this year with all the things we love and love to do :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The question of "Peace"...

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."

- George Carlin

Says it all.....

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The victim position?...

We grow up at the mercy of others; parents, baby sitters, high school bullies/hazing, teachers etc. Most likely we've been the victim of something unpleasant, even if it's just a teacher who didn't particularly take to us. There's drama in one form or another. As we get older, however, hopefully we learn to manage and minimize the drama in our lives. When I was younger, someone taught me about the whole "victim" position in life. This is not necessarily an easy concept to grasp because odds are we have been victimized in our lives and we may still be at the mercy of a nasty boss or parental/cultural pressures. The "victim" thing is a paradigm shift for sure, but essentially the wisdom is this... if we choose to feel we can't do anything about our circumstances, we leave ourselves helpless. On the other hand, if we decide to own our fate, we may just find our way through it and onto a better path. At the very least, we can try to change how we feel and get to a better place internally. As the saying goes, "as within, so without." The belief is that when we change our mind and heart, our circumstances should ease up too. Miracles can happen :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl.

Family challenges...

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

- George Burns

Dedicated to those of us who struggle more than most with family drama.

Happy Holidays!

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Biggest accomplishment...

Maybe it's just me, but I think our biggest accomplishment in life should be our happiness. Spend some time around a miserable, unhappy person (draining?). Then spend time around someone who laughs and smiles (energizing?). Where would we rather be? It's that simple. Well, maybe it's not, but I'm just sayin'.... ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Insecurity fix?...

Compliments of pathwaytohappiness.com

(Worth the read ;))

"To build self confidence and overcome low self esteem is to change how we feel emotionally about ourselves. To change our emotion requires changing two different core beliefs about self image. The first core belief is obvious. It is the belief that we are not good enough. It may have a more specific association to how we look, how smart we are, money, or lack of confidence sexually. The second core belief to change is the image of success that we feel we should be. Changing this belief is contrary to logic, but is a must if we are to overcome insecurity and raise our self esteem.

When your mind has an image of success that you 'should be' it associates happy emotions with that picture. I call that the image of perfection in our mind. The mind does a comparison between the image of perfection and how you see your self- image currently. The comparison results in judgment and self rejection for not meeting the image of perfection. The self rejection results in feeling unworthy.

What we may not be aware of is that achieving our image of success doesn't effectively change our emotional state. It doesn't do anything to permanently change the way the voice in our head speaks to us or what we believe about ourselves. Many times people have achieved their goals only to find themselves still unfulfilled. The critical voice in our head is more likely to put a higher goal in front of us to achieve.

Okay, so throw out the crazy perfection crap! I felt relieved just reading that ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Housework...

Housework...

"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"

- Phyllis Diller

Ha ha! A little comic relief for the holidays ;)

Happy week before Christmas Eve!

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Pep talk! ;) ...

Who are we really? Our mind never stops judging. Most of all, we judge ourselves and this can be a huge source of angst and possibly depression. We beat the crap out of ourselves; we're not slim or fit enough, we wish we made more money, we should own a home by now, we're not where we thought we'd be by now, we're divorced or we've never been married, we don't do enough for our loved ones, we could work harder etc... It occurs to me that none of these things are who we are. We each have an individuality and an essence, and that's who we are. We are the things we love; friends and family, sports, movies, a gorgeous sunset, puppies, great food, music, dancing, laughing, napping;), travel, whatever. How good does it feel to define ourselves by our sense of humour or an act of kindness, rather than some random or parental image of perfection? Just sayin';)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

What to do with fear...

"F-E-A-R: has two meanings:
1. Forget Everything And Run
    or
2. Face Everything And Rise
The Choice is Yours!"
- Anonymous

"Fearlessness is like a muscle. I know from my own life that the more I exercise it the more natural it becomes to not let my fears run me.
- Arianna Huffington

Some things are just plain universal. Part of the human experience. We're allowed to be afraid:) Let's be brave and not be paralyzed by it. That's all ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

"5 Things to Do When You Feel Insecure" ...

"5 Things to Do When You Feel Insecure"

Compliments of psychcentral.com

German psychoanalyst Eric Fromm said, 'The task we must set for ourselves is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity.'

1. Consider it beautiful.
Insecurity - vulnerability of spirit- is essentially humility, which is a divine quality.
2. Read your self-esteem file.
It's a collection of anything anyone has ever said, written, indicated that can be categorized as positive.
3. Avoid people you feel insecure around.
Compile a ton of excuses to have on hand. You have to protect yourself.
4. Surround yourself with supportive people.
They remind us of what is unique and good about us. Those trusted few are the voices of truth.
5. Know it's invisible.
You figure everyone can see that you're insecure. And that actually makes you feel more insecure. But here's the wonderful truth. No one can see your insides but you.

Refreshing point of view :) Feels good knowing everyone suffers from insecurity at one time or another. It also feels good to have a get out of jail card or two.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Difficult or truly disturbed?...

Being the big psychology geek that I am, I find the topic of "personality disorders" interesting. Have you ever wondered if you're imagining things, or if someone you know is somewhat "off?" Well, according to Psychology Today personality disorders, "are estimated to affect about 10 per cent of people." The percentage could be even higher because diagnosis is partly subjective. Personality disorders are not as concerning as the psychotic diagnoses, but they "lead to significant impairment" according to Psychology Today. Odds are some of our friends and/or family are struggling with a mild "condition" and can't actually function any better. (Check out "Personality Disorders" online, if you're curious about someone you know. Very interesting reading).

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Words of wisdom...

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what is takes to sit down and listen."
  - Sir Winston Churchill

I'm a sucker for great wisdom, especially from true leaders of their time. Simple, yet profound.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Lines in the sand...

Friction is understandable and even expected in relationships. When we're at close quarters and making decisions together, things can get dicey. What do we do when we piss each other off ? ;) One would hope for a calm sharing of thoughts and concerns, leading to a great outcome, right? We wish. It seems the more we care, the more we're "triggered" and the temperature in the room rises. All of the cliche sayings come to mind; "You gotta take the good with the bad", "Nobody's perfect", "Accept your friends for who they are." Sure, I agree. When do you make big decisions and draw hard lines though? Exactly how much do we accept from "friends" and when is a friend not a friend anymore? Not an easy question... but if someone makes us feel bad about ourselves, I vote no thanks. Addiction counsellors caution around the whole "enabling" thing. "Just say no" to shaming, guilting and "bad dog" wrath type responses. Just sayin ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Complain or make requests?...

You always hear about the importance of "communication" when it comes to  succeeding in relationships. What does that really mean though? How does a couple achieve good or great communication? The differences between men and women don't make it easy, that's for sure. Allison Armstrong and Kim Sarassin offer some very helpful advice in this department. In a nutshell, women need to make "requests" for things they need/want and offer lots of positive feedback in kind, and men would do well to offer a "menu" of options, to make sure they're giving women what they want and need. Check out Armstrong and/or Sarassin for more awesome tips :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Is it enough?...

Do we ask for enough in our lives? Do we come from a place of "not enough" and so we're used to doing without? Do we enter into and stay in relationships that are decent or just ok? Therapists talk a lot about cycles and how when we're used to certain things, we tend to find ourselves "allowing" more of the same because the familiar is somehow comforting, even when it may be toxic for us. The reason I bring this up is I've had a few major epiphanies post-betrayal break up. Most importantly, I was way off on my wants and needs. Somehow I wasn't honest with myself about the "musts" and the deal breakers. I was suffering in silence, not realizing I could ask for so much more. Clearly I was unaware of the degree of joy, tenderness, kindness, warmth, generosity and consideration available out there with the right person. So I middled along with decent relationships thinking "work"  and "communication" were necessary and that I needed to be "realistic." This is what we hear, right? I say, not so much! First and foremost, we can be clear about what we truly want and be willing to hold out for it. Then there's the issue of the right "match." We can probably hang out with a lot of different people, but in the long run a great partnership requires a whole lot more than some attraction and a few common interests - and I'm speaking from way too much personal experience, frankly. There may also be some validity to the saying "as within, so without." When we envision the kind of relationship/life we want to be living and hold onto that picture, odds are we're going to end up with what we want. Just sayin'....

Blessing,

Chatgirl

Sulk or speak ;) ...

I admit it...  I've been known to sulk! I'm not alone, so they say ;) According to Allison Armstrong, women are pretty much pre-disposed to an emotionally charged operating system. "This organ is called 'her feelings' and it is the core of her being." So! Us women typically need a little time to react and feel what we're feeling before we can summon the wording to go along with our many waves of emotion. Ok, so fair enough, we seem kinda hard-wired to sulk and possibly exhibit the old cold shoulder. What next? Well, I have to say, when motivated, it's a revelation to allow for the pause and then decide to speak up. Rather than spreading the suffering from ourselves to our loved ones, it feels really good to extend the olive branch, share our experience and make a necessary request, if need be. This is so much nicer than frosting someone out and making them sit in silence, with no way to make up with us. Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Past is past...

"There's no future in the past." - Anonymous

Sometimes we need to process in order to learn and move forward. Some changes may take time and be out of our control as well. On the other hand, are we stuck dwelling on the past to our detriment? I think we may even know when we're doing this. Helping professionals warn that every time we focus on unhappy past events, we re-live our trauma's and create internal duress. There is a lot of evidence that stress can actually make us ill. It can certainly make us miserable and that just plain sucks. I'm a huge fan of resolving old stuff, so we can see brighter days. Of course, I'm a big suck too and just want everyone to be happy :)

Blessings,

Chatigirl

Man wiring?...

The differences between men and women continue to be significant and perplexing, even with some 411 education. Thank goodness I have a few fantastic male friends to translate for me, Lol ;) For example, I hear that "No news is good news." So, ladies, when our guy has evaporated into thin air, odds are he's just wearing his "work" hat or "Dad" hat. Where we tend to keep all of our plates spinning in the air at all times, men are pretty much hard-wired to focus on one thing at a time. Not so much on the multi- tasking for men then, ha ha ;) I'm not gonna pretend this is an easy one to navigate, but armed with a few relevant and unbiased facts helps a wee bit I think.
Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Inner challenge...

"If you do not bring the genius within you, it will destroy you. But if you bring forth the genius within you, it will free you." - Rob Brezny

Hmmmm. Do we rise, or do allow ourselves to make excuses? Certainly, we do not have to do anything we don't wanna do in life (well, other than the obvious - work, take care of the kids etc. ;)). But does it cost us when we hide and/or shrink from some of the things we think about doing, but can't quite bring ourselves to commit to? What are we afraid of anyway... failure, criticism, not being good enough? I'm sure we could go our whole lives secretly contemplating pursuing or working harder at some of our interests and passions. No one would have to know. But we'll know and instead, maybe we're playing avoidance by watching more TV, eating more treats, telling ourselves maybe tomorrow. It's up to us. I wonder what would happen if we just started, one baby step at a time, just to say we at least tried! Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Refreshing tips to relieve Christmas stress ;) ...

First and foremost, yah gotta have a sense of humour, right ;) Lol.

Compliments of skillsyouneed.com

* Have a 'Great Escape' plan! It's a good idea to have some pre-planned excuses to escape form proceedings if they get too stressful. Be imaginative and use things such as leaving the room to make a phone call to a friend or perhaps checking on a neighbour. Leaving the situation, even for 10 minutes, will help clear your mind and relax you.
* When your body is under stress it produces cortisol which prepares you for 'fight or flight' situations. Caffeine does too. Offer everybody decaf coffee, tea, or herbal tea alternatives, since this will help keep the stress levels down and has the added bonus that people may fall asleep after dinner!
* Practice breathing - when we're stressed our heart beat increases and our breathing shallows. It's all part of the fight or flight reaction. Work on reversing this process and take time to breathe deeply. Breathe in deeply through your nose, hold for 15 to 20 seconds and then breathe out through your mouth, repeat for a few minutes to instantly help reduce stressful feelings.
* Know when to stop. Decide when you will stop your Christmas preparations and start to relax and enjoy the holiday. Work towards and try to stick to this goal, even if it is in the late afternoon on Christmas Eve. Remember that Christmas is your holiday too.
* Have Fun! Rise above the situation, laugh and turn "situations" into fun stories to tell at future Christmases.

Some of these really made me smile ;) Kinda makes you feel better when you know other people struggle with Xmas/family stress too, doesn't it?)

Happy December everyone!

Blessings,

Chatgirl

What we can control and what we can't...

Life is never going to be perfect and things will get under our skin. Is it ok to be pissy about the crap we don't want in our lives and can't escape? (Like crazy family members or allergies, or what have you). I mean, we're not Buddhist Monks or Ghandi, right? I say that, but I tend to beat myself up when I feel frustrated. For some reason I think I should manage a zen position 100 % of the time! What's the deal with that, Lol ; ) ?? Maybe it's time to let go and allow feelings to just be for a few moments... and then move forward with tolerance and compassion. Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Passion, the "it" factor?...

What compels us? Where do we find our inspiration and motivation? It's not always easy to gear up and get moving. Just thinking about chores, errands, "musts" and "shoulds" makes me wanna hit the snooze button, Lol ;) Procrastination gets the best of us, I'm sure. When we're passionate about something, however, we seem to have boundless energy. When we believe strongly in something, joy, patience and fulfillment often follow. Wouldn't it be great if we could dig up more passion in our lives? Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Traits in a mate...

According to Gwendolyn Seidman, Psychology Today, "people are more satisfied if their partner and relationship are consistent with their ideals. Recent research indicates that not all traits carry equal weight, and hitting the mark on those that reflect intrinsic (kindness, reliability, and generosity) rather than extrinsic values may be a more refined predictor of relationship satisfaction."

There are a lot of moving parts in a romantic connection and it's not easy to pin point precisely what is needed for long term success. I hear a lot of people debate on the importance of physical attraction. I guess my challenge to us all is this - do they need to be mutually exclusive? Personally, I don't believe we have to sacrifice. I believe it's possible to find the complete package. Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

True love or something else? ...

 What sort of relationship are we in? What have we chosen and why? Are we mistaking "neediness" for love? Are we mistaking care-taking for love? Or are we in a solid relationship of two separate and complete individuals who choose to share their lives together in a fulfilling and meaningful way? Do we reflect on our past experiences and ask these questions? Maybe not, unless we've been deeply hurt.  If we decide we don't ever want to feel "that way" again, we can choose to perform an emotional autopsy on our romantic track record. We can beat ourselves up, or we can be grateful that we have another shot at getting it "right" and finding greater joy and fulfillment. It's no fun looking back and feeling like a failure in love, but better that than remaining in a dead relationship, in my humble opinion. I've conducted such an autopsy and, as a matter of fact, it's quite illuminating. I managed to end up being extremely honest with myself about what I need, want, can't live with, can't live without etc. Past relationships are a wealth of information about what it is that we should be looking for moving forward. I managed to make quite the list for myself, including a level of minutia that could seem down right nutty? Thing is though, I found exactly what I specified on my list, right down to the seemingly crazy specific... and then some even. Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Christmas spirit or Christmas stress? ...

Christmas can be a very real source of stress for a lot of people. We don't always get along with our relatives, but we tend to (or feel obligated to) come together for the sake of family. I really like this quote. Helps with a paradigm shift. Just sayin' ;)

"Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas."

- Calvin Coolidge

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Self-fulfilling prophecy?...

I don't think everyone believes in the "self-fulfilling prophecy" theory and perhaps life is all a series of random occurances. I just think it's more mysterious, interesting and hopeful to contemplate how we may direct and affect our future. On that note...

"Your imagination is the single most important asset you possess. It's your power to create mental pictures of things that don't exist yet and that you want to bring into being. It's the magic wand you use to shape your future. And so in your own way, you are a prophet. You generate countless predictions every day. Your imagination is the source, tirelessly churning out images of what you will be doing later. The featured prophecy of the moment may be as simple as a psychic impression of yourself eating a fudge brownie at lunch or as monumental as a daydream of some year building your dream home by a lake or sea. Your imagination is a treasure when it spins out scenarios that are aligned with your deepest desires. In fact, it's an indispensable tool in creating the life you want; it's what you use to form images of the conditions you'd like to inhabit and the objects you hope to wield. Nothing manifests on this planet unless it first exists as a mental picture. But for most of us, the imagination is as much a curse as a blessing. We're often just as likely to use it to conjure up premonitions that are at odds with our conscious values. That is the result of having absorbed toxic programming form the media and from our parents at an early age and from other influential people in our past. Fearful fantasies regularly pop up into our awareness, many disguising themselves as rational thoughts and genuine intuitions. Those fearful fantasies may hijack our psychic energy, directing it to exhaust itself in dead-end meditations. Every time we entertain a vision of being rejected or hurt or frustrated, every time we rouse and dwell on a memory of a painful experience, we're blasting ourselves with a hex... "

- Rob Brezny

Something to at least consider?

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Nostalgia for the familiar or urge for the foreign? ...

"We are torn between nostalgia for the familiar and an urge for the foreign and strange. As of often as not, we are homesick most for the places we have never known." -Carson McCullers

"The people and places that usually comfort you don't have their customary power. The experiences you typically seek out to strengthen your stability just aren't having that effect. The proper response, in my opinion, is to go in quest of exotic and experimental stimuli. In ways you may not yet be able to imagine, they can provide the grounding you need. They will steady your nerves and bolster your courage." -Rob Brezny

We can really be creatures of habit, can't we. Getting out of the old comfort zone can be hugely uncomfortable. A wise person once said to me "You don't like change, but it's actually great for you. You thrive." I have to admit, this is true.

Blessings,

Chatigirl

"Celebrate Unhappy Hour" ...

Compliments of Rob Brezny

"Celebrate Unhappy Hour at least once a month. During this ritual blowout, you have license to complain and rant about everything that's driving you crazy Get a sympathetic listener to be your receptacle or deliver your secret shame, raw sorrow, bottomless wrath, unspeakable built, and unnerving twists of destiny. Feel free to unleash guttural moans or rueful cackles. If performed regularly, Unhappy Hour serves as an exorcism that empties you of psychic toxins. Then there's a chance to flourish as you luxuriate more frequently in rosy moods and broad-minded visions."

I love this advice. Makes me feel better already, Lol ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

What should we own, emotionally speaking?...

I'm all for taking responsibility for our blunders and missteps? We mess up, we make amends. For sure. On the other hand, I've realized something over the years. It seems that at times others want us to own up to our "stuff" and take on their's as well. The old guilt trip and heaps of disappointment are foisted upon us as the other  person sits there feeling quite superior. I realized something else over the years. No thanks! I recently had a friend play judge jury and executioner with me because my calendar coming up to Xmas exploded and I needed to see how I could manoeuvre. Rather than discuss specifics, she handed out a helping of shame, followed by the cold shoulder. No discussion or explanation from me and no new date. She decided that I had placed her as "low man on the totem pole of my social calendar." Doesn't exactly leave me with the warm and fuzzies. My mother could be sick, or I could be facing a significant and rare demand on my time. Another way to go could have been "I hope everything's ok" or "It's a busy time of year" or "Hey, stuff happens in life. I look forward to seeing you soon!" Now that's more like it. That's a person I wanna move mountains for. Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

"The Empathy Trap"...

Selfish or self-caring? I think this quote says it all :)

by Robin Stern Ph.D. and Diane Divecha Ph.D.

"Putting yourself in someone else's shoes is good, but not when it becomes the default mode of relating to others. Too much empathy can blind you to your own needs. Reining in over-empathy requires emotional intelligence; it's underlying skill is self-awareness. You need always to be prepared to explore and meet your own needs. Once you know what you need, you can make a conscious decision about how much to give to another and how much to request for yourself."

I think we've just been given permission to put ourselves first:) ... Like in the safety demonstration on planes where they say to put your own oxygen mask on first. At the very least, we all deserve to place ourselves in equal position to our loved ones in terms of needs and wants.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Quality vs quantity...

Personally, I'm a fan of quality over quantity, whatever the case may be. Being fully present and committed in the moment, whether it's visiting a good friend, enjoying date night, putting in an honest day's work can be a challenge with the insane pace we're keeping these days. We juggle so many demands and now with devices, it's tempting to keep up on all things career and social. If we can't be as leisurely, perhaps we can at least give the best of our attention to what we treasure most. Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

4 damaging relationship habits...

If we want better quality relationships, we're supposed to give up the following 4 habits (Compliments of Aldo Civico, Ph.D.):

1. Don't criticize - which is the most common form of judging.
2. Don't name call - this is dehumanizing and insulting.
3. Don't continuously analyze  - this is a way of talking down to someone.
4. Don't praise manipulatively - to get someone to act in a way that you desire. This will be perceived as inauthentic and will erode trust.

According to Civico, if we can do these four things, authentic and open communication will result. This should allow the other person to fully express himself or herself, leading to an improvement in the quality of the relationship.

Non-judgment, respect, listening.... the road to good stuff for sure :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Predictors of surviving the 7 year itch...

John Gottman, referred to as the Einstein of love, offers compelling theories about why we succeed or fail as couples. In Principia Amoris, Gottman codifies and represents mathematically the dynamics at play and the consequences of specific interactions.

John Gottman says "Love is an energy system, and when partners interact, they create a force field, each having the power to affect what the other does. Even the best of partners miss little attempts at connection all the time -  a minimum of 75% of the time... among those who divorced, partners had responded to only 33 % of their spouse's bids, while those who stayed married were turning toward their partner's bids 86% of the time - building up a reservoir of positive emotions that disposed them kindly to each other in times of conflict... sensors revealed that the happiest couples were internally calm and relaxed around each other, while the unhappiest, no matter how impassive they appeared, were physiologically aroused and poised for battle. Everywhere on the planet, Gottman has found, people automatically evaluate every human transaction on a scale of positive to negative. To repair the damage of missing each other's bids to connect, individuals must accommodate their partner's needs as well as their own. That is the measure of trust - the degree to which you believe your partner has your interests in mind and can listen to you non defensively, even if you can't stand each other in the moment. It is the single most important factor that takes a marriage beyond the fabled seven-year breakup point.

Rule of thumb? If we're compelled to listen to and factor in our partner's needs and wants as much as we care for ourselves, things should be looking good :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

"The Drama of Deception" ...

Compliments of Abby Ellin, Psychology Today

Being betrayed is no joke, especially when you implicitly trusted that person. The most interesting fact, in my opinion, is "You can convince yourself to believe what you want to believe. Often, you lie to yourself more than to others." Ouch. Diving a little deeper, "When you put so much into a particular decision, you tend to selectively emphasize facts that support it and dismiss facts that dispute it. Affect enters into the process in many ways, such as falling in love." Personally, I have to own a huge avoidance factor. In truth, I was done and needing to move on. I just couldn't quite bring myself to go through the uncomfortable motions of breaking up;  the "discussion" and yucky move. It was too easy to put off. Boy did I pay the price for not taking care of business. Lesson learned I hope. All that said, it still stings to find out you've been duped behind the scenes- that while you were busy procrastinating, your live in partner fell in love and got busy making future plans with out bothering to tell you. Ouch again because really you hurt yourself on that one! Doh! Can we trust again? Should we trust again? "'Being trusting is generally a good thing,' says Greenspan. In fact, research shows that highly trusting people are not duped any more than those who are less trusting. Further, high trusters are more likely to be happy, well-adjusted, better liked, and more often sought out as friends by both low-trusting and high-trusting others... Experts agree: Intuition is often our best ally in determining whether someone is lying. But most of us don't follow our guts; we cast aside niggling doubts, often berating ourselves for being too cynical. The Exeter researchers found that people who fall for scams often suspect something is off; they just ignore it." Ok, got it. So we need to find a way to be totally honest with ourselves first and foremost and then act on it! Make the tough decision up front, or pay the price!

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Listening...

Listening is hugely underrated.

According to "Isabelle Bank" in Love and Tell, Psychology Today, the most valued skill in a trusted confidant is listening. "Offers of emotional support and perspective were considered more helpful. And the most welcome response? Simply listening."
Interestingly, in a recent national study, 63% of respondents said they confided in a third party about a problem in a long term relationship. Looks like we need to spend more time listening in our relationships. :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Perseverance...

"No one succeeds without effort... Those who succeed owe their success to perseverance." - Ramana Maharshi

"Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained." - Marie Curie

I'm a big fan of the whole "Where there's a will, there's a way" thinking. First and foremost though, intense desire and purpose would be required for this sort of determination. We're not going to persevere through just anything and maybe some people never feel this way! Maybe a chill life of enjoying a decent job and cherished loved ones is enough. We all have a right to enjoy our own particular path. Just sayin ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Exploration...

Ps. don't take everything I say too seriously, Lol. I'm a big psychology geek and I love to explore topics/issues/the dynamics between people. I've also been known to dramatize for effect ;) I suppose writing is my way of processing, learning, trying things on.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The shit days...

It's raining in heavy, slanted sheets, so the umbrella's useless. You sprint to your car to prevent further dampening of your clothes, when you see the yellow of a slippery parking ticket on your windshield. Shit! You went past your parking time by five f'ing minutes, costing you a minimum of $35 hard earned dollars. You suddenly hate the City of Vancouver and the darkness of this f'ing fall day. Meanwhile, the silence of your iPhone's been a constant source of sullenness because you're having a blip with your boyfriend and although clearly you both need a little time to think, it feels absolutely awful. Tears threaten to betray you as the event/conversation in question circles your mind. Add to that, a grinder of a work day because somehow your efforts just aren't landing. You realize you can't even have an adult beverage at the end of the day because you're fighting off the latest cold-flu/sore throat thing'y that's going around. I mean, come on! Really? I say fuck it! Some days you just gotta take a mental health day. When nothing's working, kick the day into tomorrow and start over ! Just sayin ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The meaning of life...

"Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another."

- Thomas Merton

"Each man must look to himself to teach him the meaning of life. It is not something discovered: it is something moulded."

- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Two contrasting and equally compelling points of view. I suppose the meaning of life is up to each of us as individuals, but certainly life is enriched by the treasured company we keep.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

For granted or with gratitude...

"When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude."

- Gilbert K. Chesterton

Not sure why gratitude gets lost in the shuffle at times, but what a great sentiment to ponder and remember.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Blindness...

Blindness...

"Forgive yourself for the blindness that put you in the path of those who betrayed you."

- Rob Brezny

Wow... is that a powerful statement or what. At least it is for me ;) A friend of mine told me that getting past a betrayal is like peeling an onion. It doesn't happen overnight. Good to know 'cause, in truth, I've been unable to completely shake the remnants of my hard feelings :(

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Acknowledge, accept and repeat ;)

Today I am choosing to practice some wisdom that's not easy to pull off;)  I am choosing to surrender in this moment, to let go of whatever it is that I want. I am choosing to let life be and to let whatever comes, just come. I am choosing to be gracious and to allow others their choices, their needs and their priorities (even though it's not what I want). I am choosing to be ok even though my efforts are not presently paying off. I am choosing to sit in this uncocmfortable space, to focus on my task at hand and to refrain from judging "things" as good or bad. Doing this is supposedly an act self-care and self-kindness ... and actually, it does feel strangely comforting. My brain has temporarily stopped hurting, Lol ;) Just sayin' ...

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Broken record...

I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but I can't seem to stop talking about the eb and flow of life and the challenges that come our way. I know and understand that life is a roller coaster ride. I also keep writing about how the "lows" need to be accepted and embraced somehow ... probably because I am so guilty of wanting all of life to be puppy dogs and rainbows - or to quote my favourite therapist "you want everything to be sunny and sunnier"... but, alas, this is not the landscape of life. As with the four seasons, life has cycles and we have to find a way to be ok with some turbulance and not shun our perveived "bad" or unexpected experiences. Is it just me, though, or does something get lost between the brain's logic and the heart's response. Time passes, we survive and good times surely come again... but I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever get better at coping with the hard luck times. Just sayin' ;) ... but of course I'll try!

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Fair judgement vs being judgmental?...

Everyone judges. It seems almost involuntary and a good therapist will say this is purely ego. A part of us never stops judging ourselves, everyone else and everything else. So! It's universal and normal. Doesn't mean it's cool or healthy to live there though, especially if there's ill intent ;)

Gregg Henriques, Ph.D., says in Psychology Today, there are eight dynamics in considering our judgments and that being judgmental has to do with being overly critical in an problematic, harmful and/or negative way. Here are the eight dynamics:

1. The empathy dynamic -  it is crucial to understand where someone is coming from; their perspective, history and experiences.
2. The value-frame dynamic - respecting that others may not share our values.
3. The power dynamic - consider the influence we have on the person we're judging and the impact of our judgment(s).
4. The person vs. situation dynamic - we should consider potential variables that may justify someone's actions, even if the behaviour may seem unreasonable or imprudent.
5. The person vs. the act dynamic - a person may demonstrate a problematic act, but that doesn't mean this defines who they are.
6. The open vs. closed dynamic - to remain open because new information
may alter the way we judge a person/situation.
7. The shallow vs. expert knowledge dynamic - we may want to be better informed, rather than make snap and/or shallow judgments.
8. The optimistic vs. pessimistic dynamic - a balance of both is probably best.

So there you have it. If we're making fair judgments, rather than being judgmental, we're probably carefully considering all sorts of relevant stuff before digging into the negative... something most of us can probably work a little harder at :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The "list" and setting the bar...

I think we all have a "list" for a potential partner. I overhear much debate around the topic. Are we "settling" or are we setting our standards unrealistically high? Which is it?

I love this quote: "I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times  just to be sure."  - Anonymous

I love this quote because it helps me laugh about my own romantic mishaps. I think I've had more experiences than I would have wished - kind of a Goldilocks path to Mr Right. One was too this, and the other not enough of that etc. Ugh. All said and done, I was lucky enough to benefit from some great wisdom and advice from a few people; a relationship expert/seminar leader, trusted psychologist and life coach.

In summary, here is some great advice for us:
* Make a really biggest list, with great specifics. Know the deal breakers - things we can't live with and things we can't live without. Be really honest with ourselves about this! Forever is a long time when we're "living" with things that don't really fit.
* Think about how we want to feel in the ideal relationship.
* Think about how we want to be treated (and about how we want to treat someone else).
* Above all, have our own backs. Be true to ourselves and make sure we acknowledge when our boundaries are being crossed. Know when we're being disrespected.
* Speak up about what we want/need. Make requests about what we need/want because nobody can read our minds :)

I wish for us all ... bliss in love. xo

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Goodness if possible...

"Have courage and be kind"

- Cinderella movie ;)

I don't want to sound preachy, but I think these are such beautiful words to live by...  if possible. Just sayin'...

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Feeling grumpy?...

Feeling grumpy?...

"I love food. I'm a complete foodie. I love to cook. I find it hard to say no to food. I get grumpy if I don't get food."

- Stephen Hunter

Okay, I don't actually know who Stephen Hunter is and I wouldn't call myself a foodie (though I love good food for sure), I just think his quote is hilarious. I read through a whole ream of quotes and actually they're all funny. There's something refreshing about reading each person's specific little pet peeve. We all have our little annoyances and I think that's A-Okay ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Procrastination...

Fun topic, right? Lol;)... not really, but here's some comforting information.

"90% of college students procrastinate. Of these students, 25% are chronic procrastinators and they are usually the ones who end up dropping out of college. Perfectionism is a prime cause for procrastination because demanding perfection usually results in failure. Unrealistic expectations destroy self-esteem and lead to self-repudiation, self-contempt, and widespread unhappiness. To overcome procrastination, it is essential to recognize and accept the power of failure without condemning, to stop focusing on faults and flaws and to set goals that are easier to achieve."

- Compliments of Psychologist William J. Knaus

I don't know about you, but this makes me feel a whole lot better about the things I tend to put off! If 90% of students procrastinate and 25% drop out because of it, then we're talking about a pretty normal, universal phenomenon... not to say that we can't work on it though, right? I like the idea of setting easier goals :) ... so we can feel like we're succeeding and accomplishing things rather than the opposite. Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Thriving with humour and style...

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humour, and some style."

- Maya Angelou

Am I the only geek who's in love with inspiring quotes, Lol ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The perfection handcuffs...

The software world is pretty ingenious in more ways than one. Not only has technology changed the world we live in, but they have also tackled issues around perfection. We want everything to be just so and we don't want to put things "out there" until we're satisfied. In the software world, however, they realized that they'd never launch a product if they waited for it to be "perfect"... and so we have versions of software, iPhones, iPads etc. Pretty smart, right? We can enjoy the features that are available now and then upgrade to the new ones when they're ready. I think this can apply to our lives as well. Maybe we can be happy with what we're creating and realize that we can continue improving along the way, whether it's our golf swing, painting, novel in the works etc. Perfection can be a moving target, as we learn, grow, become more proficient anyway:) Could really take the pressure off, right? Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Positive or negative?...

I read a great article on positivity vs negativity, or glass half full vs glass half empty. It was interesting to hear that neither one is considered smart or superior. The author (psychologist) of the article explained that both are merely strategies for coping with what comes our way. If we are too positive, we may crash when things go awry. By the same token, if we're too negative we run the risk of the old self-fulfilling prophecy. Personally, I'm a big fat marshmallow head. No matter what happens, my re-set seems to slide down over to the positive. To each his own though, right? There just may be some hard wiring at play. Just sayin ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Helping...

"We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone."

- Ronald Reagan

I'm a sucker for this kind of thinking. I just think the world could be a better place. Naive, perhaps ;) ? I'm okay with that.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Supporting a friend...

When someone you care about is going through a hard time, what do you do? ... Listen, obviously. What else? From what I can gather, just being there so the person doesn't feel so alone may be enough. How about when someone is on a path that that you worry about? You just don't get the sense that this person is truly happy, let alone fulfilled. You know how everyone tells you they didn't like your boyfriend/girlfriend until after you've broken up? Yeah, I'm speaking about that sort of situation. You just can't wrap your head around what your friend is doing/who they're "with." What to do? Well... I still say, people seem to need to make their own decisions and learn their own lessons in their own good time. So probably we need to just listen and be there and respect that person and their path. Just sayin' :)

Blessings

Chatgirl

Riding the wave...

Good and bad, ups and downs, happy and sad, and so on... let's just hold on and ride the wave of life. Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Gratitude revisited...

I work on gratitude a lot - not because I've been told to per se (by all the wise people out there), but because it always makes me feel good/better. Although, there are days when this strategy seems beyond my reach and I guess that's ok too. Maybe we're allowed to reserve some days for hiding and/or sulking because sometimes that feels good/better. Hopefully the gratitude days win out though because there's something great about thinking of/dreaming about the positives in our lives and the excitement of new possibilities. Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Forgiveness revisited...

I've been angry and needing to find a way to forgive, been angry all over again and even feeling somewhat vengeful (which is sooo not in my nature for the most part) and struggling to find a place of forgiveness yet again, and so on. Thing is, I realize anger and bitterness are a pretty big waste of effort and energy. This energy could be spent in life improving ways instead! Am I right? Anger and bitterness must be a necessary part of mourning, but if it goes on... I think not so much.... just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Feel good...

Is it just me, or is it awesome to do things that make you feel good.. whatever it is that we each like/love/cherish/dream about. Very wise helping professionals say that when we do things just for us, to take care of ourselves, we are ahead of the game. Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Goodwill...

"Be somebody who makes everybody feel like a somebody."

- Anonymous

Because it feels good... and because what goes around comes around, Lol ;) ... Seriously though, someone's gotta make the world a better place and we can at least play our small part. That's my motto anyway :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

"Love is friendship that has caught fire." ...

"Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses."

- Ann Landers

How beautiful is that :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Compassion...

When it hurts they will feel you
And when they finally
understand you, for your all,
They will accept you.

People are like that.
The moment they know your story
Things ease up a little.
They have compassion,
It is built in them
And It is something no one could ever take away.
Everyone has this power...
And It is strong enough
To change the world,
To save the world.
In all its burning madness.
This can possibly cure all human suffering.
Compassion...
It is one of those things.
It is the bridge that connects everyone
To everyone else.

- R. M. Drake

Ok, so clearly I am a big fat bleeding heart ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

What we can't see...

"Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always"

- Anynomous

Words to live by. Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Don't play victim...

"Playing victim" is something I learned about in my early 30's from a very savvy life coach. I have to be honest - it took some explaining before I could understand what the heck she was talking about and it's taken a really long time to see the full benefit of this notion. I felt strongly that some things just happen to us... and of course, some things do just happen to us. What this coach explained, however, was that we have a role to play in our reactions and expectations, and in the "filters" we tend to wear. So! Apparently, we are all slanted in certain ways, based on our upbringing, heritage, life experiences etc and these things we cannot control. What we do have control over is governing how we're going to proceed before "stuff" happens to us and after something has happened to us. I guess this is the whole "take lemons and make lemonade" deal. Savvy coach says we can all be guilty of complaining and feeling sorry for ourselves, but this doesn't solve a whole lot in the end. At some point, we're supposed to make decisions about what we want in our lives and set about finding a way to make that happen... and believing we can pull it off. I've had such experiences this lately :) Pretty great!! Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Moods...

Is it just me or is there a seemingly involuntary nature to moods. Sure, something "bad" or unexpected happens, it wasn't what we wanted and we slink down. But some days we wake up and just feel off. I hate that! Sometimes it's downright hard to get out of bed and we can't think of what to do with ourselves. We dig our heels in because nothing is helping. Wft ;) ?! ... Anyhoo, I've decided that if I put up my emotional umbrella, hang on as best I can and let the dark cloud pass, something wonderful usually happens.... or at least, the next day things don't seem quite as bad or devastating. Sometimes I can even see a new path appear before me and decide on a direction change that's even better! Just sayin ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Escapism...

Some days there's nothing to say. There's an acceptance that needs to settle in and the best thing to do is tune out and do something mindless, whatever your pleasure. For me it's writing, exercise, music, movies (feel good preferably, Lol), chatting to friends about nothing in particular... nothing serious. Just sayin;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Let it go...

"Know when to give up and have a drink."

- Anonymous

I gotta say, I love this! Lol ;) After a long career in sales, especially post-2008, I keep realizing that sometimes there is simply nothing to be done. You can't move an immovable object and sometimes it's better to let go ... have a drink... and then move on. I would say the same thing about relationships come to think of it. The second something seems fraught with obstacles and peril, I don't know... seems like knowing when to throw in the towel is a genius skill to cultivate. Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Sulking...

I wonder what the verdict is on sulking? ;) I know my favourite therapist tells me it's important to allow ourselves to feel absolutely everything we're feeling. He once told me I wanted everything in my life to be sunny or sunnier, which left me with a broken compass. He says that feeling the negative emotions (upset, anger etc) is very important because this gives us information about what our boundaries are and what we need in life. I wonder where sulking fits in exactly though, Lol, because I have to admit there are times when it feels way too good to sulk for a bit. It's that whole sensation around not getting what you want and sitting in the uncomfortable moment of have-not. After a while it begins to feel silly though and you have to acknowledge that you're not a teenager anymore, that we know better and that in life we don't always get what we need and want. But it sucks anyway sometimes;)  Just sayin'

Blessings,

Chatgirl

To be or not to be serious? ;) ...

I am very fond of humour, especially when all else fails ;) There's a whole lot to be serious about in life and it's so nice to let up on that sometimes. Ever laughed at an inappropriate moment and you think or say out loud "This is not funny. I don't know why I'm laughing." Yeah, so obviously I have, Lol... I think humour can be a great (and healthy) way to let off steam. I also think a sense of humour can be very sexy ;) When someone responds with a laugh and a bit of curiosity around a tense situation, how kind does that feel? It can really help reduce the stress level in life. Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

"Mistakes" ...

"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times just to be sure."

- Anonymous

Ha ha ha  ... Enough said, right ;) !

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Negative experiences...

I can think of a few invaluable "tools" for coping with life's little ditties - a great sense of humour, curiosity and an open minded perspective. When the unexpected or "bad" experience happens there's the initial annoyance or pissed off reaction, but it's so fun to laugh it off, consider the novelty and turn it into a great story later on. Yeah, so I had such an experience recently... took my gorgeous squeeze on a rush hour Skytrain journey to the worst margarita's and concert in history. Meh, whaddaya gonna do? You take a chance on some live entertainment and you end up laughing at the ridiculousness before you; bad quality sound, unfamiliar tinny music, perplexing and un-sexy dance moves, the whole bit. Anyhoo, made for a good laugh after escaping into a cab, great tequila and tunes at home back in the city, Lol ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Going with the flow...

I've been observing something very interesting over the last (break up blogging) year. I have also decided that this is incredibly profound... for me! ... and maybe for others too ;) ... so here's the deal.... I have realized that there is only so much we can expect of ourselves. We can only do so much and when we have an extreme amount of inner resistance to certain things, then maybe we just need to accept ourselves for who we are and for what we can compel ourselves to do, or not do. For example, if we love to eat and we consider ourself a foodie, maybe we decide we're going to be okay with a weight that allows for this, stop beating ourselves up for carrying an extra ten pounds and just enjoy this important pleasure in our lives. Another example is saying "no" to things that don't make us feel good. Doing things out of duty and obligation takes a lot of energy and maybe at least some of the time it's better to choose an alternate activity that brings good energy into our lives instead. Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Positive effects of envy...

Being a big psychology geek, I love exploring some of our most unattractive emotional responses ;) ... so I thought I'd share the latest research on envy ('cause I'm sure we all have our moments with it). Apparently, envy can be a good thing, as long as it's the "benign" kind and not the nasty "malicious" sort. Benign envy is when we're happy for and motivated by someone else's success and we strive to emulate it. Apparently, this can act as a healthy and positive motivator. Nice. I think we all know what the other kind feels like - when we can just tell that someone dislikes us (maybe because of what we have) and needs to cut us down. Yuck.

According to Linda Hamilton, an award-winning master certified life and executive coach, here are some tips in understanding what our envy is about:
* See these feelings in a different light. Maybe we need to be "playing a bigger game" or "doing something that is important" to us on some level.
* "Stop comparing. Nobody wins in the comparison game. Comparing erodes our confidence/self-esteem and brings insecurities. Rather, look at what it is about your friend that you want to emulate in your own life. Write it down. It's only once we're clear about something that we can do anything about it and start moving forward. Identify why and what about this person you envy."
* "Take stock of what is great about your life. We always want to start something new from a position of strength. Then pick an area of growth, make a game plan and go for it."

I read about another great perspective on envy. If we think about what it's taken for someone to accomplish what they have and the sacrifices they've made along the way, perhaps things will look a little different. (i.e. a professional athlete, with the never ending conditioning/diet etc. or an entrepreneur who had to live on credit for ten years before "making it" or a physician who spent 10+ years in school studying... ok, now some people may seem to get lucky and inherit their good fortune or what have you, but a lot of people travel a long road of sacrifices in achieving their successful end). Just sayin ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway...

Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway is a fantastic book that talks about filling our lives full of support, in whatever form we need. There are things that make us us and apparently we're supposed to make sure we meet all of these needs, so that we may be ok no matter what shit storm is brewing in our lives. I work on this notion a lot. Whether I'm on a roll or a skid, I work on remembering to do the things that make me feel good. I think we need a sense of purpose to be fulfilled in life, or we're at risk of becoming bored and/or dissatisfied. In any case, Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway addresses this idea very well and I certainly thought this book was a game changer.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Need a change? ...

According to a lot of health-focused sources, if we want change in our lives, we need to create new habits. Unfortunately, this doesn't happen overnight and there's no quick fix. For example, losing weight requires some commitment to lifestyle change - more exercise and less/more healthy intake (and maybe less tasty treats! Damn!!). Sucks for sure, but that's pretty much what it's gonna take - a serious adjustment on a daily basis and maybe permanently, which is why diets don't work in the long term. The change needs to be indefinite. That's probably not very inspiring or encouraging for a whole lot of people. I've been there. There's no way in hell I was ever going to give up sugar/sweets. Only I did! Still not sure how I pulled that one off, but I sure like the results. I still think about/crave sugar once in while, but now I don't want to give up on the new and improved physique. I just know that sugar takes me down the rabbit hole and I don't wanna take the chance. I completely understand not wanting to go that route though - that was me for the most part. Yummy food is a big pleasure centre in life. So, what am I saying? Well, if there's something we really want to accomplish, we're probably going to have to make some sort of sacrifice. We certainly can't keep doing the same thing and expect things to change... and personally, I'm really opposed to living with things that are not supportive of who we are and who we need to be. I don't know that we can "settle" for the long haul. We pay a price for that. I really think we owe it to ourselves to be true to who we are deep down and to what we truly want in life. Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Weakness is ok...

We all have weaknesses. I'm not saying they're attractive or that it's any fun acknowledging them. Hell no. But rest assured, everyone has chinks in the old armour. That's just how it goes and absolutely everyone has their cross to bare. Well, I say, so what! ;) It's ok. We're allowed to be imperfect. Hell, if we let ourselves and everyone else be imperfect, life could be a whole lot more chill and fun. Am I crazy? I don't know, but I think life shouldn't be so f'ing serious and we should not hold ourselves and everyone else to standards that just can't be met. Am I right? I mean, doesn't that sound more relaxing and pleasant? Just sayin' .... !

Blessings,

Chatgirl.

It's not "out there" ...

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that the answer is not "out there" somewhere. Okay, now this is one person's opinion, whatever that's worth, Lol ;) ... but what I've experienced and realized is this - no one can save us and the "answer" is not out there somewhere. In my humble experience, we really are left to solve our own stuff. Much as we might want to be saved or nurtured by that perfect partner or benefactor with a miraculous windfall of cash, it seems that we really are left to sort this out for ourselves. Kinda sucks the big one, but when we get through it with our own resolve and genius ideas and/or thoughts, we build strength, self-esteem and confidence in knowing we can take care of ourselves and succeed. Maybe this is too self-help'y a post, but I don't care ;) ... I've been there and I don't think I'm alone in facing the black veil of life. Shit happens and I don't care who you are and how much money you have, life will get yah! That's just how it goes in the journey of being a human being. So much of life is universal. So! In summary, I believe the answer is within us somewhere... always. We're wiser and more inventive than we might think. Just sayin ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Believing...

You know that whole saying "where there's a will, there's a way"... well I think there's something to that. If you look at a lot of success stories, they involve countless "no"s and actually a lot of entrepreneurs are considered kind of crazy - and they probably have to be a little "out there" to keep forging forward against all odds, often with no sign of forward momentum. I guess what I'm saying is, if we want something badly enough and if we really, truly, deeply believe in our pursuit, then nothing is going to stand in our way. Right? The catch with these things is, you never know how long it's gonna take and what you'll have to endure in getting there. But if we can't let it go of something, I'm sure all the pain will be worth it in the end. I've said it before and I'll say it again, let's keep going. Let's not give up on our dreams :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Turning it around...

The bad days come don't they!.... There's no way around it. Life can be absolutely splendid. The sun is shinin', maybe you're enjoying a new romance or a free and unexpected injection of cash... but we all know that the rain will come again. The roller coaster of life is a given. But shit! It never gets any easier. No matter how much life experience we have and no matter what we've survived, a shit day is a shit day. That's just life folks. What is very cool, however, is turning it around. To go from stress lines and maybe a few tears if you're a chick, to sulking and giving yourself permission to play hooky with a mental health day - to somehow finding a new spark is a revelation. Happened to me today. I had every intention of saying fuck it. In fact, I said exactly that. Fuck it, I'm giving myself a get out of jail card in this moment. I love writing clearly, so I sat down and scribbled some complaints and whiny thoughts. The more I wrote though, the more determined I became - and low and behold, I found the inertia to get off my a-- and get to work. And guess what - I kicked ass! I had a flash of ideas and went out and delivered for myself. I somehow inspired me, Lol ;) So, was it me giving myself permission to be a big baby that helped me move forward? I think, maybe, yes. I allowed myself to react, feel like crap, hide if that's what I really needed.. and then somehow something inside of me came out from under with new ideas to grab ahold of. Yup, pretty cool. Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Make over year...

I'm coming up on the one year anniversary of striking out on my own, post-break up (and shocking betrayal). I'm happy to report that my "resolutions" have been quite the success. By success, I mean achieving peace, happiness and a greater sense of accomplishment at work and in life in general. I can't take full credit. I had a lot of help. A few genius coaches gave me the pearls of wisdom with which to set my goals; 1) above all, have your own back 2) focus on how you want to feel at work or in your relationship and go after that 3) know that true happiness can only come from within and that nothing external to you should dictate how you feel about yourself and your life. What I can take credit for is making big commitments to myself and sticking to them for a full year (to reiterate.... no sugar/sweets for a full year, blog for 365 days straight about my experience, go more than the extra mile at work and remember every day that my happiness and self-worth are completely up to me and what I think and feel). So, how does it feel a year later? What's interesting is this... I feel very proud of what I've accomplished in the last year for sure, but what I'm left with is the new habits that I formed 1) remember every day that happiness comes from within and that nothing external to me will ever again dictate how I feel about myself or my life 2) I know that when I go the extra mile I feel great about myself and what I'm achieving and the results usually speak for themselves 3) I know that when I make a decision about what I want and need in my life, I can usually "manifest" exactly that. Very empowering.... just sayin ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Go for it!...

I do believe life is cyclical. There are hard times and good times, but sometimes life has you by the throat and you have to endure until things give way. I am speaking from some serious personal experience here. I survived a stretch of about seven years of hard times on all levels. Nothing was really working; financial hard times would not let up, my relationship(s) were challenging and my job situations were untenable. This all happened post 2008. I believe scary finances can bring out the worst in people and I certainly faced a lot of such individuals. Fortunately, I have a tool box of coping skills and I persevered. My seven year stretch of hard knocks ended in rock bottom, which led to some life altering changes. One of the biggest resolutions was the decision to expect and accept exactly what I want in life, and nothing less. I made a list of how I want to feel and what I want to receive in my life - in career, in a love relationship, in friendships... in all areas frankly. Looks like this was the magic answer to a happier and more fulfilling life. So, I say go for it! Go after exactly what you want in life, with great specifics and detail. What have you got to lose! Just sayin':)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Love again;)...

Love is a never ending topic, is it not? Some of the things I hear repeatedly are "There are many different types of love" or "I love being in love" or "Love changes" etc. From what I hear, there is a lot of suspiciousness around love, and romance in particular. People either don't believe love can sustain itself, or that significant pain is inevitable with love/relationships and that real, long lasting love just doesn't exist because as we get to know someone and we live with them, life gets in the way. I get it because I think I've pretty much had all of these experiences. May I turn this all on it's head and offer the following wisdom about real love vs "unreal" or "ordinary love"  ...

"Love is not what is ordinarily understood by the word. The ordinary love is just a masquerade; something else is hiding behind it. The real love is a totally different phenomenon. The ordinary love is a demand, the real love is a sharing. It knows nothing of demand; it knows the joy of giving.

You cannot frustrate real love because there is no expectation in the first place. And you cannot fulfill unreal love because it is so rooted in expectation that whatsoever is done always falls short. Its expectation is too great, nobody can fulfill it. So the unreal love always brings frustration, and the real love always brings fulfillment."

- by Osho from Love, Freedom, and Aloneness.

So Osho is referring to unconditional love clearly, which is the best kind of course. I wish us all this sort of blessing in love, be it romantic or otherwise.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Catch 22...

What do you do when you're caught between a rock and a hard place? You have to make a decision and you don't like either option?? You go one way, accept the crunchy with the smooth and know you'll face some friction and drama. You go the other way and you're guaranteed more peace in your life, but you're left mourning some good things you've lost. I guess we have to accept that life serves up these conundrums. Things will never be perfect. Boo, that's all I can say ;) ! Being the silver lining girl that I am, however, let me just say that the old pro's and con's list can work wonders. Odds are there'll be more weight on one side of the decision and as my favourite therapist advises, always check in with how the old body feels, especially stomach. How we feel, rather than what our brain tells us is supposed to be the way to go. Alrighty then.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The waiting - part two...

Told you I'd revisit the topic again, Lol ;) Yesterday I wrote about the impatience we face when dealing with line ups, traffic etc. I realize, there are other forms of waiting, like biding time for something you're really looking forward to that might be a week away, a month away, a year away? What then? Well, I guess similar to the traffic or air travel example, we have to keep ourselves busy with something fulfilling and meaningful. We have to somehow fill our world with as many good things as we can, so that "the waiting" doesn't become a negative. I read (I believe in the book EQ or Emotional Intelligence, which was a bit of a text book by the way, but full of very interesting information) that being able to delay gratification is a bigger sign of pending success than IQ, or academic intelligence. So if we can master waiting and enjoy coveting the things we long for, we should be in for some great pay offs. I like that idea and will certainly keep working on it! ... because this may take some focus and practice. I mean, we're only human after all, right?! ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The waiting...

I think I've written about waiting before, but I may revisit this particular topic over and over again because it's my Achilles heel... well, one of them anyway, Lol ;) We all have a few, don't we. I've never been good at waiting. I tend to fly through life, head first, always in a hurry. I've been notoriously fast at completing activities, be them school exams, work projects, cleaning, what have you. This has been both a claim to fame and a weakness all at the same time. The most embarrassing and noticeable hint of this personal differentiator is the klutziness that comes along with it. Spend enough time around me and I'm going to spill my wine or coffee on you, or I'll trip and almost fall - because all my sports and yoga over the years have given me excellent balance, Lol ;) So! What of it? Let's all agree that life does not deliver all of our wants and needs on a silver platter, like yesterday, so wait we must. Where does this leave me? Well, crawling out of my skin at times, while pretending I am very zen and cool all the time, ha ha. Seriously though, I have actually learned some patience over the years. I read a great article that addressed this topic. The writer talked about a paradigm shift she had around crawling in traffic while in a huge hurry or going through the motions of flying with the never ending and annoying hurry up and wait cattle call. The writer's paradigm went something like this - hey, I can see traffic and line ups as a complete waste of my time or I can do something excellent and productive with these minutes. I can choose to see this time as a bonus or a big freebie, where my boss isn't breathing down my neck and I'm not actually required to talk to anyone or do anything at all - I can daydream about something wonderful, plan a great trip in my head, talk on the phone to someone I haven't seen in a while, play a game on my computer?? Most importantly, I can totally tune out and find some precious, slow and quiet me-time, something a lot of us lack in life, right? I've tried this and it actually works :) One of my favourites is when I'm ready early (as usual, because I'm chronically on time) and I complete an activity I hate, like any sort of paperwork or dusting. It's totally awesome to tick that box at a time when I would normally feel impatient, waiting for each second to tick by and wondering why in the hell I'm so intent on ending up early for every damn thing. I might need to look at that, Lol ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Acknowledging emotional truths...

Lows on the roller coaster of life are pretty much always jarring, whether we see them coming or not, I find. I've been observing this all year with much curiosity, rather than resistance or feeling sorry for myself. Specifically, I've noticed a lot of denial when facing difficult or upsetting moments. It's almost like ignoring the "incident" in the hopes that it'll go away or pretending it didn't happen at all. Over time though, the emotional response begins to bubble up and over. It seems there's no hiding from our reactions to unpleasantness. I have found that (when I'm ready) facing how I feel can be kind of freeing. There's relief in processing the emotion, making sense of it somehow, letting it go and moving on. Sometimes there is no answer and no way of making sense of crap. Some things just are... like someone in your life who is damaged and/or incapable of giving you what you need and want... and that has to be ok somehow as well. There's nothing we can do about it. I've learned that I can only take care of myself, nurture myself, give myself everything I need and want. I know that I must accept others as they are because that's all I have control over. Of course, I've also learned that I don't need to spend time around people who make me feel bad :/  There is a line for each of us and only we can decide how to best spend our time so that we are taking proper care of ourselves. Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Forgiveness revisited...

This "break up blog;)" has been a great way to process and evolve past a particularly rough patch in my life. It's humbling, cathartic and certainly raises the stakes to go public with one's struggles. At rock bottom, I challenged myself to be known - by putting myself "out there" in general. I spent the bulk of my life being the peace keeper, running interference for others' friction and I think my aim was to be as invisible as possible (enter the chameleon and budding sales personality, Lol!). My commitment was conflict avoidance and I get it. Growing up in family world war 3 will do that to you, especially if you feel what I feel... everyone's emotions, pain, disappointments. It took a hell of a lot for me to start caring most about my own emotional world and to put myself first in life.... and I can say from this very personal experience, it's never too late to start doing that. Even in this very moment, I realize (again) that the person I need to forgive the most is myself. There are a few people who have had a lasting, uncomfortable impact on me emotionally and I'm ashamed to admit that I have had unpleasant thoughts about these people. But here and now, I realize that I have been at least partly responsible for what has happened to me and I know that I need to forgive myself for not making better choices along the way. In hindsight, I can see that my boundaries were fuzzy. I needed to be aware of, acknowledge and act on how I was feeling about certain things. Certain relationships were not appropriate for me and yet I continued to allow "deal breakers" into my life. Good news is, I now know what I need and want and I feel comfortable speaking up, so that I'm always ok:) I wish that for everyone because life is simply better when we're taking good care of ourselves.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Staying the course...

I've read endless books on attracting "abundance" and manifesting what we want. I remember The Secret book/movie and the Celestine Prophecy catching on like wildfire when they came out. I've also heard a lot of people talk about feeling fuzzy on the whole "how to" thing. In my personal opinion and experience, I believe it's about staying the course. We can feel frustrated and decide all of it's bogus and doesn't work. There's a scene in The Secret where a little boy throws out a picture of the new bike he wants because it's just not happening - but then he realizes he can't let go of the idea, takes the crumpled picture out of the garbage and continues to cherish the notion of enjoying his coveted bike again. He gets the bike. I've realized that when I set aside the "needing" and focus on my moment-to-moment, day-to-day commitments, after a while my dreams keep coming true, one at a time. Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Can people change?...

Pain and suffering are a natural part of life. That's all there is to it. Is there a point to it? This is the age-old question, is it not? Personally speaking, I have gained more from my "bad" experiences than I have from the joyful. Not that I want more pain - I'll take all the joy in the world, please, Lol ;) It's only in hindsight that I can look on my life with this sort of perspective. Specifically, my biggest fear happened. I was privately and secretly terrified of being betrayed by the one I love. Why, I'm not sure. Counsellors will generally look to early childhood for answers and there would be a lot of those in my case. Without getting into the nitty gritty, let's just say I didn't come away with warm feelings of being loved, appreciated and accepted, but rather a symbolic and emotional chill. Looks like it's taken me a really, really long time to resolve this particular handicap. The clincher was experiencing and facing my deepest fear. The experience left me feeling truly "alone" and wounded. In that time I found a way to dig deeper than I would have thought possible without cracking. I am so happy and proud to have nurtured myself through this very personal moment of hell. It took a number of months to get past the darkest phase, but as time passed, I could see that I was profoundly changing. I found a way to stand firmly on my own. I found a way to allow and enjoy everything life had to offer, without needing to judge each thing I faced. I began by making certain commitments; writing a blog about my experience for 365 straight days, giving up sugar (which has always been a bit of a crutch), going more than the extra mile in my job because I knew I was capable of that and saying "no" more often because I finally realized I didn't want to do things I didn't want to do anymore. I think I can sum all of this up in a few words, or a fitting analogy. You know when a bone has to be re-broken and re-set so that it can heal? I think that's what happened to me. I am the stronger and happier for it. Actually, it's almost hard to fathom my pre-break up life at this point. They say people can't change - well, that's crap. I've changed :) ... and I have the new and shiny life to prove it. Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Trusting that inner instinct

I've struggled with this one over the years. My brain says one thing, (usually the logical choice), but something in me is veering in another direction and I've often wondered if the resistance is fear or gut instinct? In hindsight, when I've listened to my brain's reason and ignored that niggling inner voice, I've ended up in the wrong place. A wise friend of mine shared a great story with me today. She found herself in an uncomfortable situation and deep down she wanted to leave, but her brain said "Maybe it's not so bad. Maybe I just don't get it." In the end, she trusted the discomfort in her stomach and ended up having a glorious time going with the flow and exploring the unknown. It seems that we should give ourselves the gift of enjoyment and free will, rather than the "musts" and "shoulds" of duty and obligation, which often limit our access to enjoyment in life. Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Law of attraction revisited...

I was listening to a radio show on attracting abundance today with author and wellness educator Gina Rizzo. I've read an awful lot on the topic and I have to admit I wasn't certain I would learn anything new? I love this person though... she has beautiful, healing energy and I enjoy hearing her talk, so no question I wanted to listen in to her radio session. I suppose I wasn't surprised that I felt immediately compelled to pay close attention. I learned a couple of things right away; confidence is not the same as self-worth (self-worth is a deep and natural acceptance and love of who we are, warts and all vs the confidence of being good at something) and adopting an abundance consciousness takes time and practice (I love Gina's analogy of filling a cup one drop at a time.... and over time, we can realize that beautiful overflowing feeling).

If you're as inspired as I was, check out Gina's tools and newsletters!

http://livinginabundance.ca

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Striving for ecstasy...

Go for broke I say. A sense of purpose and accomplishment (builds self-esteem), worthwhile love and hotness in a great connection (brings meaning and joy), more money and stability (reduces stress and creates more enjoyment in life), achieving greater success in whatever it is we do (expands sense of  self and deepens self-respect). Whatever fears we have to overcome and whatever pain we must face along the way, bring it on I say! .... these are things worth striving for! Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Setting the bar...

I don't think I'm the only person who's wondered just how much you can expect from a relationship and a partner? We meet people and it usually doesn't line up. Not even remotely. Then we meet someone and some things, or even a lotta things, line up and that doesn't end up being enough either. I've heard a lot of people talk about "settling" and I've heard people talk about how their partner "checks all the boxes" and yet a lot of those people sit dissatisfied, wondering if there's more? Well, the answer to that is yes... If we dare. Something interesting happened to me and for me in the last year. I was completely duped for one thing. Although my last relationship was not working, I certainly didn't expect to be played for a fool. Our relationship broke badly along the way, we both knew it and neither one of us seemed able to make the call. I suppose we had both been falling out of it for about nine months. Again though, I did not expect my partner (who I lived with) to move on without telling me and to deny the steamy affair until I confronted him with the necessary evidence. I just knew something had happened. I wasn't upset about the ending, but I was very disappointed in the way it was handled. Ok, whatever, enough said. Shit happens, people aren't perfect and everyone knows breaking up sucks the big one. I guess you can forgive a person for avoiding it, even when they have fallen in love with someone else and they're making future plans (fucking hell!). Anyhoo, moving on. Actually, happily, totally moved on now! Fewf! So I started seriously thinking about my past relationships and what I'd been "accepting". Well, I'll tell yah, not enough, that's for sure. It took me a while longer, processing and thinking about what I offer to a partner. What am I like in a relationship? What do I give and how do I treat someone I care about? When I realized I give away a lot of warmth, kindness, affection, acceptance, non-judgment, etc., I thought, gee I'd really like someone to give ME that... and nothing less actually. I was prepared to be on my own, for however long was necessary, until I met someone who treated me in kind. What a revelation. And guess what happened? As soon as I had these thoughts, I started having completely different experiences. Somehow, without realizing it, I raised the bar. I've had a pretty big smile on my face ever since and now I know for sure that settling is not necessary. That dream person is out there. Just sayin' ;) (Ps. Let me also say that I spent the last year learning how to be truly happy on my own. I committed to every aspect of my life and everything improved).

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Alone and stand tall...

There is sense of accomplishment and a lot of self-respect in feeling secure and grounded in and of oneself. To feel connected to and fulfilled in relationship with others, but to remain tethered to "self" is surprisingly empowering. This involves taking full responsibility for our own world/emotions/wants/needs (and making requests of others when we would like something), while allowing others to be who they are and to take care of their own needs and wants. Enjoying each other without obligation and expectation is so much nicer than some of the common tactics out there; blaming, sulking, complaining to others, guilting, the cold shoulder, emotional manipulation, dog house etc. Just sayin;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Sense of community...

This morning I am feeling a deep sense of gratitude for the people in my life, from considerate and thoughtful colleagues, to the friends at my regular coffee shop, to my long term comrades who know me 360 degrees. No matter what happens in life, when we can sit with our peeps, feel connected and enjoy sharing the universality of human experience... well, that's somethin'!

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Emotional hand cuffs: our "Love Code"...

Some fascinating wisdom from my favourite therapist....

"... even today few children or adolescents make it through their formative years and enter adulthood knowing, trusting, and being able to fully give themselves over to love. And, as a result, our adult love lives become problematic, dysfunctional and even destructive. The heartbreak, cynicism and withdrawal from life that result from broken relationships can shape or, moreover, tragically misshape many lives.

To be able to survive our formative years with an undiminished and unsullied capacity for true and lasting intimacy with another to remain intact, we have to have four emotional conditions met by our caregivers. In childhood - the most defenceless, vulnerable and dependent time of our lives - we had to feel reliably and consistently safe, loved, valued and known. Let's examine these fundamental ingredients more closely now, because their presence or absence in our developing consciousness has determined our Love Code... "

Curious to know more?? Check out www.joelbrass.com/newsletters

(Ps. good news is, we can reverse a lot of this early damage).

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Feel the heart, open the mind...

"The on-the-spot practice of being fully present, feeling your heart and greeting the next moment with an open mind can be done at any time: when you wake up in the morning, before a difficult conversation, whenever fear or discomfort arises... it is a way to claim your courage, your kindness, your strength. Whenever it occurs to you, you can pause briefly, touch in with how you're feeling both physically and mentally, and then connect with your heart - even putting your hand on your heart, if you want to. This is a way of extending warmth and acceptance to whatever is going on for you right now. You might have an aching back, an upset stomach, rage, impatience, calmness, joy- whatever it is, you can let it be there just as it is, without labeling it good or bad, without telling yourself you should or shouldn't be feeling that way. Having connected with what is, with love and acceptance, you can go forward with curiosity and courage... taking a leap."

Compliments of Pema Chodron, Living Beautifully.

I find great comfort in this. I hope you do too :) xo

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Parents...

Somewhere along the way, I have forgiven my parents. I realize, they're allowed to not be perfect. Did I suffer growing up?... yup. Did I turn out ok?... yup. To love our parents, no matter what?.... Ah, now that feels good... (and maybe it's an essential for emotional stability). Just sayin';)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Imperfect...

When we can allow people to be imperfect, including ourselves, now that's somethin! Just sayin :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

How should love feel?...

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

- Lao Tzu

It's taken me a long time to understand what love is and how it aught to feel. Some actions just don't say love. Am I right?

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Mutual discovery...

"Unless we are very, very careful, we doom each other by holding onto images of one another based on preconceptions that are in turn based on indifference to what is other than ourselves. This indifference can be, in its extreme, a form of murder and seems to me a rather common phenomenon. We claim autonomy for ourselves and forget that in so doing we can fall into the tyranny of defining other people as we would like them to be. By focusing on what we choose to acknowledge in them, we impose an insidious control on them. I notice that I have to pay careful attention in order to listen to others with an openness that allows them to be as they are, or as they think themselves to be. The shutters of my mind habitually flip open and click shut, and these little snaps form into patterns I arrange for myself. The opposite of this inattention is love, is the honouring of others in a way that grants them the grace of their own autonomy and allows mutual discovery."

Anne Truitt, Brain Pickings

Ah, to be accepted just as we are.... and vice versa of course ;) Now that's a gift.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Waiting for the other shoe to drop...

Things go wrong in life and there are ongoing glitches. We can get so used to the shit, that when things go right, or something fantastic happens, we can find we're holding our breath, just waiting for the next disappointment. I made a decision recently to not allow it;) I refuse to let my brain go to fear. I'm one of those people who believes in the self-fulfilling prophecy, so I'm not going to let my fears/thoughts invade my happiness and pending success. Just sayin;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Fulfilled, regardless...

For many years I heard people talk about going "within" to find happiness and fulfillment. Various helping professionals had similar guidance - "have your own back and watch your dreams come true" or "meeting your own needs is your biggest shot at true happiness" etc. I don't mind saying, I didn't get it. I didn't understand what that meant or how to do it. These words seemed like empty spiritual or self-help speak and I found it all kind of condescending frankly. Amazingly enough, I somehow landed on such a path. This did not come quick or easy. I found my "Self" and began owning my deepest needs and wants, while picking up the pieces of my career, finances and so-called love relationship. From the floor, I started over, one scrap of emotion at at time. By taking stock of my cobbled past, I have learned to understand myself and my choices. I now make decisions that support me in all of the important ways. I never imagined this would be the biggest accomplishment of my life. Of course, I will always place huge importance on my friends and family and I will always have a deep seated need to accomplish something meaningful. There are things I seem to need/want to accomplish. But I now put my own health, happiness and well-being first. I suppose I was looking to someone/something else to give me that level of love and security. It's an amazing feeling to enjoy meeting those needs for myself. Somehow this frees up a HUGE amount of emotion and energy for my personal pursuits and for the people I care about. I realize that enjoying people, rather than needing them to fulfill something in your life, is immensely empowering. Somehow there's more love to go around and more to give.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Our people...

Life is filled with a lot of work, to-do's, obligations, mundane activities. So when exciting and fun things happen, hold the phone! As we age, we realize more and more how rare some things are, like the truest and most precious of friends, being in love, having an f'ing good time, enjoying crazy adventures. When we're young, we can't wait to get older. Then we're getting older and we want things to slow down a little... because, wow, it really does go by fast. I think we need to hold onto every good moment and thing in our lives with everything we've got! ... because this is the best that life has to offer. Money definitely makes life easier and more comfortable, and who doesn't want more of it - but in my experience, it's the people and experiences that remain in our hearts forever more.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The benefits of slacking off ;) ...

According to Megan Jones, Readers Digest, slacking off can make us more productive :) I like it! .... makes me feel less guilty about my need for naps and time outs, Lol.

Taking breaks:
"If you run and don't fuel your body, you eventually collapse... The same thing happens with work. If you don't rest, you'll crash. It may seem counterintuitive, but taking a break from the task at hand can jump-start your brain, boost your motivation and improve your focus. And as recent research shows, more inane distractions can have especially positive effects on our powers of concentration."

Taking naps:
"Having a snooze - even one as short as 10 minutes- can improve alertness, memory and cognitive performance."
Research indicates that the brain does some useful housecleaning in it's downtime, like classifying data and consolidating memories.

The power of cute:
Scrolling through pictures of cute baby animals online is not only good for the soul, but "might benefit your performance." A recent Japanese study showed a 34 % improvement in motor skills for subjects who viewed cute snaps vs a control group who were not shown baby animal photo's.

Browsing online (Facebook!):
Taking a few minutes to read funny little blurbs and updates from friends on Facebook can help your focus! Australian researchers found that workers who spent "20 per cent of their time during the day surfing the Internet were nine per cent more productive than peers who avoided cyberloafing altogether." (Note: more than 20 % surfing and productivity will likely go down).

Letting the mind wander:
They say we need to take a break so our minds can "cool down." Multi-tasking can apparently take it's toll on our mental energy. So! We're supposed to spend time with our heads in the clouds. Works for me, Lol ;)

Happy slacking everyone! ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl