Biggest wish isn’t luxury, it’s peace…

People who grew up in broken, dysfunctional homes don’t have big dreams. They dream of stability. Of a home that feels safe, quiet and warm. Of waking up and knowing no one is going to leave. Their biggest wish isn’t luxury, it’s peace. Consistency. A love that doesn’t punish, abandon, or destroy. 

— Anonymous 

This train of thought took me back to my parents’ tumultuous, and sometimes violent relationship. On a regular basis, my mother would call me in to pack a bag, and we’d leave my brother, sister (who was sometimes in the drive way sadly watching us leave without her. Whoa!) and father in the back doing yard work. We’d never get more than 20 minutes away, and she’d turn around and decide she wanted to work things out. But things never really got better. I believe this ongoing unrest steered me away from having a family of my own. And I’ve always wanted peace more than anything in the world. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Between you and your behaviour…

I didn’t talk badly about you. I talked about what you did to me. If that makes you look bad, that’s between you and your behaviour. Because telling the truth about my experience isn’t bitterness. It’s clarity. And I’m not responsible for protecting someone’s image when they had no problem damaging my peace. Sometimes the truth only sounds harsh because someone benefitted from the silence. 

— Miley Cyrus 

The most important thing I’ve learned from intensive therapy, and group therapy workshops, is the role of  accountability in relationships. Specifically, it is going to be very difficult to have a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t willing to discuss and navigate issues with an open mind and heart. When conflict arises, a team approach is winning, whereas blaming and skirting one’s end in things is pretty much a non starter. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Your body can pick up on energy before your mind processes…

The deeper you heal, the more your body reacts to bad energy. Loud, chaotic environments feel unbearable, fake conversations drain you instantly, and being around negative or inauthentic people physically exhausts you. Your intuition sharpens, your body picks up on energy shifts before your mind can process them, and you instinctively distance yourself from anything that disrupts your peace.

— Unknown 

I have found this to be quite true. I have experienced profound healing, particularly after my mother’s passing, and a one year, intensive group therapy course. The emotional evolution has allowed me to be clear on my boundaries and deal breakers. Unfortunately I’ve lost some people along the way, which I find quite sad. I never wanted to throw the baby out with the bath water, but some behaviours are just too unsettling and upsetting for me to tolerate at this point in my life. Just sayin’ : ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Life could be so simple if accountability was normalized…

People get so caught up in the shame of being called out on something, that they make the situation ten times bigger than what it had to be. Life could be so simple if accountability was normalized. 

You did a thing I didn’t like. I named it. You acknowledge/apologize. 

We move on.

— Kaszmyr / X

I learned about “clearing” in group therapy seminars, and it really does work, I must say! Go for it, if you haven’t already. Each person is able to talk about their experience, what they need, make any requests. And you work out some ground rules together. It’s genius. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Accountable for what you do as a result of your feelings?…

My therapist say “ Your feelings are always valid. Your behaviour is not. “ 

She explained — feel what you feel but you need to be accountable for what you do as a result of those feelings.

— Anonymous 

My key learning from therapy is the profound benefits of cultivating new relationship/communication skills. I used to go dark and quiet when upset. I wasn’t able to adequately communicate through difficult emotions. But with new tools and practice, in a group therapy setting, I was able to understand the deeper issues at work. Early childhood/upbringing conditioning is typically to blame for at least some of our unconscious, potentially sabotaging coping strategies. I can’t recommend therapy and relationship courses enough. It’ll change your life; your primary love relationship, and probably career a finances as well, as all relationships benefit from this sort of personal work. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck.

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Things I’m no longer apologizing for…

Things I’m no longer apologizing for:

• My feelings. Being emotional and crying
• Having firm boundaries
• Saying no to something I’m not interested in doing
• Not answering the phone when I can’t or don’t feel like it
• Needing to take a break
• Asking for clarity when I don’t understand
• How other people behave
• Changing and becoming better
• Not agreeing with someone
• Putting myself first. I can’t be anything to anyone if I am nothing to myself
• Settling for less than I deserve
• Letting go when I need to 
• Healing at my own pace

— Alex Elle (vybecource.com) 

I would add “tolerating behaviours that are in fact deal breakers for me” such as controlling tendencies, too frequently negative and judgemental, snarky’ness, reactionary responses (cold shoulder, punishing silent treatment etc.). I’m looking for people who are capable of adult conversations and relationship building collaboration (not sulking, blaming and a lack of accountability). It took me a really long time to establish these boundaries. Life has never been more freeing and stress reduced. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

When dysfunction is the norm…

Sometimes people can’t see the damage in their own behaviour, not because they’re heartless, but because they spent so much time around others who’ve made that behaviour seem normal-even acceptable. When dysfunction is the norm, it’s hard to recognize it as wrong. 

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist says it’s generally not until we’re in a relationship that we begin to recognize problematic behaviours, on both sides. We can continue battling it out with one other, or we can seek help, learn new skills, and improve our relationships? We take courses for all kinds of things. Why not relationship skills? Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl