The question of emotional capacity…

The more emotionally intelligent you become, the less you take things personally. You begin to realize that the way someone treats you is shaped by their relationship with themselves, their self-awareness, their emotional capacity, and their nervous system state. 

You learn that someone’s capacity to meet you has nothing to do with your value, and everything to do with their own.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist says we tend to attract and be attracted to someone who is equally capable and incapable of a healthy committed relationship and intimacy. And he says it’ll always look to us that we are the more capable one ;) In my experience, emotional capacity grows profoundly with a focus on deep healing work and learning new relationship skills. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Accepting the apology you’ll never get…

Toxic family rarely apologize. They would rather carry their denial to the grave than face the damage they’ve caused. In their minds, the pain they created was somehow your fault. 

Sometimes healing means accepting the apology you’ll never get. 

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist helped me with “complicated grieving” after my mother’s passing. My mother was unwell physically and mentally during my upbringing, which left the bulk of household responsibilities to me and my sister. And from a very young age as well. I have pictures of us standing on chairs washing dishes at 5/7’ish years old. Into our adult years my sister and I got busy with our own lives, and my brother took a turn (he also lived at home until 30 years old). Shockingly, whey my mother died, she pretty much left everything to my brother, as though our work camp-like childhood never happened. This was a crushing moment with no possible resolution. Fortunately, I learned that there are ways of dealing with such cases. So I followed my therapist’s guidance and wrote various letters to my mother. We went a step further and wrote a bio, with an eye on her vantage point. It was a most pleasant turn to find empathy for my mother and her unique challenges. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The external world and our lack of control…

The more we value things outside of our control, the less control we have.

— Epictetus (Ancient philosopher, who taught that we cannot control external events, and should therefore focus on self-discipline, acceptance and inner freedom) 

My favourite therapist would say something similar. In his forty years of individual and family counselling, he feels that healing and recovery tend to require the cultivation of internal strength, and some sense of  “higher power”. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Ten toes in the circle for true, committed love…

You need to stop giving 100% to people who give 30%.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist talks about ten toes in the circle for any committed, monogamous relationship to have a shot at lasting success. Each person must have both feet in, fully invested. And he says you can’t put in twelve toes while the other person puts in eight. Both scenarios are not an example of committed love. It’s taken me an embarrassing amount of time to understand that over-giving is not love, but a trauma response. Apparently, if you grow up feeling neglected, clamouring for attention and feedback, odds are you become a “fixer”, or a caretaker. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Listen to hear, or understand?…

I used to think communication was everything, until I realized understanding is. 

You can talk all you want, but if the other person doesn’t truly hear you, it’s just noise. 

— Unknown 

I’ve learned a lot about “clearing” from my favourite therapist. Clearing involves approaching someone you have tension with and attempting to clear the air. Within the context of the weekend therapy seminars I’ve taken, we’re instructed to own our own reactions and responses to other people. The intention is to understand ourselves and our reactions better, and potentially identify and resolve root causes. As per my therapist, our triggers are typically a result of our own issues, and probably less to do with the person who has annoyed/hurt/angered us in the present moment. I have found clearing to be a process, requiring a humble vulnerability and a willingness to be known. For me, understanding has been a wonderful outcome. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The nervous system remembers…

You may not remember, but your nervous system does. 

That’s why when you’re triggered without knowing why, you’re anxious for “no reason”, you have chronic symptoms but doctors say you’re fine, you feel overwhelmed when “nothing is wrong” and you’re dissociated but don’t even know it. 

— Unknown 

I was at least somewhat aware of the effects of my traumatic childhood, but I had no idea the depth and complexity of the issues. I’ve worked with a therapist for many years now, and we continue to find root causes of the triggers and hurt feelings of today. For example, if I feel I haven’t been recognized for something important, or if I haven’t been factored into an important decision, I can slide right back to some very foundational and sad feelings of neglect. In my experience, it has been extremely freeing to disentangle my old wounds from today’s relationships. Fewf! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Mind’s struggle with uncertainty…

My therapist told me:

Anxiety isn’t just fear, it’s the mind’s struggle with uncertainty. When you can’t tolerate the unknown, you try to control it through overthinking, over planning and overdoing. But that only convinces your brain you’re unsafe. Healing begins when you train your nervous system to feel safe in the unknown. I don’t know what will happen, but I trust I’ll be okay.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist, in his forty years of private practice, has observed that healing, particularly from trauma, tends to require a belief in something larger than oneself. Whether one believes in God or not, he advises cultivating a relationship with a “higher power”, or a sense of “God” or “Spirit”. And this, he says, provides a reprieve, and comfort, from the stressors, and lack of control, in the our mortal world. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl