Silence a passive aggressive grenade?

You cannot become a peacemaker without communication. Silence is a passive-aggressive grenade thrown by insecure people what want war, but they don’t want the accountability of starting it.

— Unknown 

Interesting. Well, I used to be a pretty quiet person around conflict. I came to know that there were three reasons; 1) I didn’t have the communication skills to broach difficult conversations, 2) I was afraid of angry, scary reactions and 3) I wasn’t even remotely confident about a resolution. This all stemmed from an angry (and frequently violent), traumatizing upbringing. Fortunately I found a transformative therapist (Joel Brass, who works via Zoom, if you’re looking for a life saver of your own). I also invested in therapist-led group therapy/relationship skills courses, and learned how to “clear”/resolve conflict in a healthy and productive manner. I also realized that not all relationships have the necessary compatibility to survive. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Silence a coping mechanism?…

People who go silent when something upsets or hurts them, are often experiencing a coping mechanism called emotional withdrawal. It’s not that they have nothing to say, it’s that their system learned that silence is safer than being misunderstood. Instead of expressing anger or frustration, they hold it in.

— Unknown 

That used to be me. I grew up in a world war three environment, with endless eruptions and zero resolution. So, to me, anger was dangerous and counter productive. Fortunately, with professional help, I’ve learned that anger is actually an important emotion, that can help us identify our needs and create safe boundaries. I’ve also learned that not all relationships allow for the “clearing” that’s necessary for a healthy relationship. Both individuals need to be willing to listen, and be accountable for their own end in issues as they come up. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Not every outcome is ours to decide…

As much as you want to fix it, control it, or even fight for it, sometimes the wisest and hardest thing you can do is let go.

Because not every battle is yours to fight.

Not every burden is yours to carry.

Not every outcome is yours to decide. 

Surrender doesn’t mean giving up. It means believing that there is a timing to things. It means believing that something even better lies ahead. 

— Anonymous

I don’t know about you, but I seem to need reminders on the notion of surrender… remembering that we can only control what we can control. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The emotional maturity to sustain a relationship?…

There are many people out there who claim they want a relationship but don’t have the self-awareness, emotional maturity, and accountability to sustain one. It’s not your responsibility to guide someone into emotional readiness. 

— @yourcourageouscomeback

I was one of those people. I had no idea how to address issues or conflict in my relationships, and I was afraid of anger and backlash (having survived an abusive, sometimes violent upbringing). Fortunately, I learned new relationship (communication) skills through therapy and therapist led workshops. My take away is that it’s never too late to be a part of the solution and to have your own back. For me, this means speaking up and advocating for my needs and wants, while respecting the same for my partner. Life is so much easier in this sort of collaborative union. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Can’t teach someone to take accountability…

You can’t build a healthy relationship with someone who lacks emotional intelligence. It’s not your responsibility to teach someone how to take accountability, apologize, or treat you with respect. These qualities are the foundation of a healthy connection-they’re not extra’s, and they’re certainly not negotiable. 

— Unknown 

Wow. In all my years of therapy, I’ve not heard a summary quite this succinct, understandable and comforting, frankly. I realize my most challenging, painful relationships were doomed from the start. No doubt because of my troubled upbringing, I lacked healthy boundaries and allowed theses non-negotiables; lack of emotional intelligence, lack of accountability and a lack of respect. I’m happy knowing this now because my relationships are very supportive and mutually beneficial and I know how to take proper care of myself. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

People who run from their feelings…

People who run from their own feelings will eventually run from yours too. 

When someone avoids accountability, their frustration, blame, and unresolved pain will eventually get projected onto you.

— @yourcorageouscomeback

My favourite therapist says you can’t heal what you can’t feel. And you can’t feel what you deny (or you are unaware of) is real. I’ve embarked on a number of year long, deep healing, group therapy courses, and I’ve been able to connect a few dots. I was surprised to recognize that some of my classic, MO behaviours in the present began as childhood coping mechanisms; my neat freak clean routine (this kept me out of trouble and secured approval from my parents), my tendency to over-give (again, secured approval as a good girl at home). Now that I’m aware of it, I’ve been able to curb certain behaviours. It’s a weight off actually. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Black sheep usually the cycle breaker?…

If you are a woman who feels like the black sheep of her family, read this:

There will always be moments when you wonder why you never fit in the way everyone else seemed to. Why your thoughts were different, why your feelings were stronger, why you always sensed things no one else acknowledged. You grew up learning to quiet your truth just to keep the peace. You learned to shrink yourself so no one would call you difficult or dramatic. And somewhere along the line, you forgot that being different is not a flaw. It is a sign of depth, of awareness, of spirit. Feeling like the outsider in your own family creates a loneliness that is hard to explain. It is the kind of ache that follows you into adulthood, making you question your worth in rooms where you deserve to stand tall. But here is the truth. The black sheep is usually the cycle breaker. The one who sees the patterns everyone else ignores. The one who refuses to repeat the hurt she grew up with. The one who becomes exactly what the next generation needs. You were never meant to blend in. You were meant to evolve. To grow. To rise. And even if they never understood you, understand yourself. Be kind to the girl inside you who has always felt misplaced. She deserved love. She still does. 

— Unknown (quote from Pinterest) 

Well, wow. This really describes how I felt growing up. My favourite therapist says that if even one person in the family pursues healing work, the whole family benefits. Not to mention the lifeline for the one brave enough to sit in the hot seat (couch). Just sayin’ ; ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl