Tolerating turns into resentment…

Tolerating always turns to resentment

At first, you call it patience, then love. But what it really is, is self-abandonment. Every time you swallow a boundary, excuse a pattern, or silence your discomfort, something inside you keeps score. And eventually, the bill comes due.

— Unknown

I learned about “tolerance” the hard way. I miscalculated in my earlier relationships, thinking certain differences could be overcome. But I learned that there are certain non-negotiables. I finally (it’s never too late!) identified my deal breakers, and found my perfect life partner fairly soon after, actually. I extended this thinking to friends as well, and landed on a smaller, safe and trusted inner circle. Now, drama is just how I like it, at a minimum, Lol. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

It’s not about you…

People’s actions are a reflection of themselves—not of you. When someone disrespects you, ignores you, or disappoints you, it doesn’t define your worth. It speaks more about where they are in life, what they’re struggling with, or what they’ve been through. Most of the time, people react from their own pain, fears or confusion. You just happen to be standing in the path of whatever they’re carrying. Sure, some words or actions can feel deeply personal. But the truth is, you’re just a side character in a story that was never really about you in the first place. 

Taking things personally? That only gives away your peace. It makes you believe the voice that whispers, “Maybe they’re right. Maybe it is me.” But when you step back and remind yourself, “This isn’t mine to carry”—that’s when the healing starts. That’s when you stop internalizing the noise that was never meant to define you. You’re responsible for your own world. They’re responsible for theirs. Let them walk their journey with their own shadows, and you—walk in your light.

— Unknown 

I’ve drawn a line in the sand of late. It’s taken me a long time to understand that some people are damaged, and that’s okay. I have baggage of my own, that I continue to work on. But when people are not willing to be accountable, and are damaging to others, that’s not ok. I finally realize that I had actually been enabling a fair bit of drama, and that’s on me. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

If you say this, they’ll actually listen..

 If you say this during a fight, they’ll actually listen:

• I’m not saying you did this on purpose, I just want to talk about the impact it had on me. 
• I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, but this is how it felt on my end.
• Can we pause for a second? I want to talk with you, not against you.
• I get that this is hard to talk about, but I don’t want to brush it under the rug.
• I don’t want us to be on opposite sides. I want us to figure this out together.
• I get that this is hard to hear, and I appreciate you listening.
• I’m bringing this up because I care, not because I want to blame you.

— Unknown 

A most unexpected outcome from therapy was the acquisition of new, transformational skills; the importance of addressing disagreements, how to gently, respectfully frame a difficult conversation, how to invite the other person to open up and be part of the solution. Fortunately, my favourite therapist teaches weekend seminars, and even a year long course, on communication/emotion and relationships skills (JoelBrass.com, and he coaches virtually, if you’re interested). Every aspect of my life improved because of these learnings. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

One’s routine tells the real story…

Your routine is your real personality. 

If that stings, good. Because nothing exposes you faster than your habits. People brag about goals, discipline, dreams, but their routine tells the real story. If your mornings are a mess, if your nights are wasted scrolling bullshit, if you keep “starting tomorrow,” then your life will reflect that chaos. Harsh? Yes. But it’s the truth everyone avoids. A solid routine doesn’t just build results; it builds identity. It shapes how you think, how you move, how you treat yourself. And the scary part? You become whatever you repeat; good or bad. So if you want a stronger personality, a sharper mind, a better life, fix the damn routine first. Everything else follows. 

— Unknown 

There’s no question, my morning routine saved me during the tough times. I happen to love starting my day at a coffee shop, keeping up on my favourite topics, writing (this blog since 2014), which I find motivating and inspiring… and this process soft launches me into the task at hand. So, when I was out of work during the 2008 financial crisis, I still felt busy, with a sense of meaning each day. And it was easy to drop the job search into that routine. I continued to live with the financial stress and worry, but I feel like I had somewhere productive to put it. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Silence a passive aggressive grenade?

You cannot become a peacemaker without communication. Silence is a passive-aggressive grenade thrown by insecure people what want war, but they don’t want the accountability of starting it.

— Unknown 

Interesting. Well, I used to be a pretty quiet person around conflict. I came to know that there were three reasons; 1) I didn’t have the communication skills to broach difficult conversations, 2) I was afraid of angry, scary reactions and 3) I wasn’t even remotely confident about a resolution. This all stemmed from an angry (and frequently violent), traumatizing upbringing. Fortunately I found a transformative therapist (Joel Brass, who works via Zoom, if you’re looking for a life saver of your own). I also invested in therapist-led group therapy/relationship skills courses, and learned how to “clear”/resolve conflict in a healthy and productive manner. I also realized that not all relationships have the necessary compatibility to survive. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Silence a coping mechanism?…

People who go silent when something upsets or hurts them, are often experiencing a coping mechanism called emotional withdrawal. It’s not that they have nothing to say, it’s that their system learned that silence is safer than being misunderstood. Instead of expressing anger or frustration, they hold it in.

— Unknown 

That used to be me. I grew up in a world war three environment, with endless eruptions and zero resolution. So, to me, anger was dangerous and counter productive. Fortunately, with professional help, I’ve learned that anger is actually an important emotion, that can help us identify our needs and create safe boundaries. I’ve also learned that not all relationships allow for the “clearing” that’s necessary for a healthy relationship. Both individuals need to be willing to listen, and be accountable for their own end in issues as they come up. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Not every outcome is ours to decide…

As much as you want to fix it, control it, or even fight for it, sometimes the wisest and hardest thing you can do is let go.

Because not every battle is yours to fight.

Not every burden is yours to carry.

Not every outcome is yours to decide. 

Surrender doesn’t mean giving up. It means believing that there is a timing to things. It means believing that something even better lies ahead. 

— Anonymous

I don’t know about you, but I seem to need reminders on the notion of surrender… remembering that we can only control what we can control. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl