Some people would rather sacrifice relationships than face themselves….

You cannot teach accountability to someone who’s built their identity around avoiding it. 

Growth requires discomfort, and some people would rather sacrifice relationships than face themselves. 

— @yourcourageouscomeback

I’ve finally learned that a healthy relationship takes two people willing to have adult conversations. If both people are able to speak about their experience, and listen fully to the other, odds are a request or two can prevent future misunderstandings. This has worked like a charm in my safe relationships. Not so much in the relationships that don’t allow for this sort of calm, respectful and heartfelt clearing. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

You can’t expect empathy from someone who hides from their own pain…

People can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves. 

You can’t expect integrity from someone who cannot live within integrity. 

You can’t expect empathy from someone who is disconnected from their own pain.

You can’t expect honesty from someone who hides from their own reality. 

And the longer we stay, hoping someone will become who we need, the more we lose ourselves in the process.

— Unknown 

I can think of a few people (some, family members) I’ve struggled to connect with on a deeper level. My therapist says we each have our MO, and way of coping. Some people simply avoid going “inward” or going toward their emotional world. I’ve found this info helpful in accepting the limitations of certain relationships. Just sayin’ : ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Unhealed people don’t hear clearly…

Unhealed people don’t listen for understanding, they listen for danger. 

They hear rejection inside boundaries.

They hear disrespect inside honesty.

Abandonment inside silence. 

You can speak with calmness, patience, and love — and they will still respond to wounds you never created.

Because you’re trying to communicate in the present… while their nervous system is fighting ghosts from the past. 

THAT’S WHY HEALING MATTERS.

Not just for peace within yourself.  

But so you stop bleeding on people who came to love you. 

— Anonymous 

This explanation is kind and helpful, and allows me to have greater compassion for the people I’ve struggled with. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Having to break down basic awareness is draining…

I read something that stuck with me. It said, “It’s strange having to explain to someone why what they did was inconsiderate. If they didn’t feel it was wrong while doing it, what can you really say?” And that’s the truth. When empathy is naturally in you, you don’t need reminders. You move with care automatically. If it would bother you, you wouldn’t do it to someone you value. Having to break down basic awareness is draining, because genuine consideration dosen’t need to be taught; it shows up on its own. 

— Anonymous 

This makes so much sense to me. I’m finding that people who lack empathy, and an interest/ability in  accountability and the necessary clearing of conflict make relationships pretty tough. It’s a no thank you, frankly. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

A relationship without emotional safety is an attachment or trauma bond…

A relationship without emotional safety is not a relationship, it’s an attachment or a trauma bond. You deserve to express yourself freely, to voice your needs, to require resolution after conflict and to feel emotionally safe in your relationship.

— Anonymous

Well said. I really wish I’d learned this earlier. It would have saved me two divorces and some very stressful friendships. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Can’t hear without getting defensive…

Some people will never grow because they can’t hear without getting defensive. They can’t see the ways they hurt others, only the threat they feel when someone points it out. They focus on their own discomfort instead of the impact of their actions. 

If someone can’t sit with the truth of their behaviour, they will keep repeating the same patterns. 

— Unknown

It’s too bad really because this one thing (getting defensive, instead of hearing how someone is feeling) tanks a lot of relationships. I’m just glad I ended up on a healing journey, which has allowed me to not take things so personally. We are going to impact one another, and life is so much better when you can sit down and chat in a safe, mutually beneficial space. I also know, however, that some pairings are just not compatible enough, which explains my two divorces! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

No reaction was safe, so you turned everything inward…

You were not allowed to be angry. If you cried, you were unstable. If you went quiet, you were cold. If you spoke up, you were abusive. 

No reaction was safe, so you started turning everything inward until the only person you were allowed to hurt was yourself.

— Anonymous 

This is exactly what happened to me! My father ran our house like a court of law, and we all found ourselves on the hot seat regularly. My father also considered pretty much any reaction, however honest, authentic and often involuntary, a rebellion. He believed in corporal punishment and had a sadistic streak. It’s no wonder I ended up with a broken compass, as my therapist diagnosed. He said “You want everything to be sunny and sunnier, but without the “negative” emotions, you are missing out on very important information.” He went on to explain that our uncomfortable emotions tell us how we’re feeling and that we should probably take action. Do we need to draw additional boundaries; learn to say no, walk away from certain people and/or situations? Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl