How people treat us is a reflection of their character…

I was extremely sad for how someone treated me. Then I remembered how kind I am to people, and that this is a reflection of me. 

How people treat me is a projection of their character and not a reflection of my value. 

May I always remember that. 

— Anonymous

My main take away from intensive therapy is the huge role our family of origin plays in our future relationships. How we were treated (indoctrinated, or habituated) can land like grooves on a record, as we establish, and rely on certain coping mechanisms. A sort of auto pilot can take over, leading us to accept familiar treatment (that we are used to from years and years of similar treatment at home), even when it’s unacceptable. For me, there were pretty obvious deal breakers that I continued to allow in my relationships. Fortunately, I cultivated new relationship skills (in individual therapy and weekend group therapy seminars, where you practice these new skills) and learned to say no to unhealthy behaviours that cause me additional distress. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

In the grip of unconscious coping mechanisms?…

People think healing is soft.  

But healing is violent. Because nothing is scarier than waking up one day and realizing… your whole personality was just a trauma response. That your calm was actually suppression. Your independence was built on not being able to rely on anyone. Your perfectionism was just fear in disguise. Healing means grieving the version of you who did what she had to just to feel safe.

And letting her go is the hardest part. 

—heirophantpublishing.com

Yup, I learned all about that in intensive therapy. I thought I was just a very clean and tidy, independent over achiever. Turns out, I was clinging to the few things I could control; my work ethic, the state of my home/self/car and showering others with gifts and attention. These coping mechanisms served me well, but over time I exhausted the hell out of myself. I now know how to take care of myself first, and then attend to the business at hand. I’ve maintained my work ethic, tendency to clean and organize, and generosity, but I definitely check in with myself first before committing to anything. Fewf. It’s a load off. Just saying ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Needed someone to take care of you?…

Someone once said, “You like taking care of people because it heals the part of you that needed someone to take care of you.”

I really felt that.

— @powerofpositivity

This resonates very deeply for me as well. Fortunately, I managed to land on a deep healing path and learned to take proper care of myself. My biggest Achilles heel is family and the pain I’ve felt around a tough love upbringing, with plenty of judgment, and outright rejection frankly. My mother, in particular, was hot, cold, and confusing. She would punish my sister and I if we didn’t take care of her (total roll reversal). So, you wouldn’t get a birthday gift, for example, if you didn’t spend enough time with her. My father was quite militant and harsh, with nothing ever being good enough. He seemed to relish unleashing his frustrations with frequent and scary violence. At the root of all this unsafe dysfunction was my parents’ terrible, unhappy marriage, that landed on everyone around them. My sister and I pretty much did everthing around the family home because my mother was a depressive hypochondriac. So we were the care takers, and this became a habitual pattern in all of my relationships. I finally wore myself out on all the giving and doing, and learned how to attract a mutually loving and healthy partnership. Fewf! I can’t  recommend deep healing work enough. Unloading some of this old baggage and pain is a game changer. Life can be so much more fulfilling and joyful. Promise! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Difficult conversations may be uncomfortable, but silence does damage…

People who avoid hard conversations usually leave behind the most damage. Avoidance doesn’t erase problems, it amplifies unspoken issues and creates emotional distance. Difficult conversations may be uncomfortable, but silent is what breaks trust. 

— Anonymous 

I’ll give myself some credit. I’ve been willing to embark on numerous relationship courses (therapist led, group therapy weekends, where you can practice in a safe environment) and I’ve learned a whole host of  new communication skills. I definitely needed the practice because finding the right words, with compassion and understanding is so key. And of course it takes a willing partner in order to achieve  this sort of healthy dialogue. And willing friends, frankly. I’ve had to move on from certain people, who were, for whatever reason, not able to allow for the kind of clear communication it takes to repair any hiccups and issues. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

An emotionally mature person will listen without defensiveness…

If you want to know how emotionally mature a person is, tell them how they’ve hurt you. Their response will reveal everything about their character, empathy and self-awareness. 

An emotionally mature person will listen without defensiveness, validated your feelings, and reflect on their actions. They’ll seek to understand, not argue or dismiss. They recognize that acknowledging someone’s hurt doesn’t diminish their own worth—it strengthens the relationship. On the other hand, emotional immaturity often manifests as deflection, denial and blaming. A person unwilling to take accountability for their impact on others may dismiss your feelings as over sensitive or turn the conversation into an attack on you. Their inability to hold space for your pain is a sign that their growth is still in progress. Ultimately, how someone handles the discomfort of being confronted about their behaviour speaks volumes. A mature response builds trust and fosters healing, while an immature one exposes the gaps in their ability to connect and grow. Pay attention—it may be the clarity you need. 

— Unknown 

This has become deal breaker number one for me. I will no longer entertain a relationship with an emotionally immature person. I am very relieved to have learned this lesson and look forward to less drama, tension and stress moving forward. Just sayin’ : ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Biggest wish isn’t luxury, it’s peace…

People who grew up in broken, dysfunctional homes don’t have big dreams. They dream of stability. Of a home that feels safe, quiet and warm. Of waking up and knowing no one is going to leave. Their biggest wish isn’t luxury, it’s peace. Consistency. A love that doesn’t punish, abandon, or destroy. 

— Anonymous 

This train of thought took me back to my parents’ tumultuous, and sometimes violent relationship. On a regular basis, my mother would call me in to pack a bag, and we’d leave my brother, sister (who was sometimes in the drive way sadly watching us leave without her. Whoa!) and father in the back doing yard work. We’d never get more than 20 minutes away, and she’d turn around and decide she wanted to work things out. But things never really got better. I believe this ongoing unrest steered me away from having a family of my own. And I’ve always wanted peace more than anything in the world. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Between you and your behaviour…

I didn’t talk badly about you. I talked about what you did to me. If that makes you look bad, that’s between you and your behaviour. Because telling the truth about my experience isn’t bitterness. It’s clarity. And I’m not responsible for protecting someone’s image when they had no problem damaging my peace. Sometimes the truth only sounds harsh because someone benefitted from the silence. 

— Miley Cyrus 

The most important thing I’ve learned from intensive therapy, and group therapy workshops, is the role of  accountability in relationships. Specifically, it is going to be very difficult to have a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t willing to discuss and navigate issues with an open mind and heart. When conflict arises, a team approach is winning, whereas blaming and skirting one’s end in things is pretty much a non starter. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl