The trap of how we think things should be…

At the core of all true and real emotional and spiritual inner work is one uncompromising requirement, as challenging as it may be: to face and embrace our experience of ourselves, our feelings, and our lives exactly the way they are. People have a deep seated attachment to how we think things should be, or ought to be, or how we want things to be, which is almost always at significant and uncomfortable variance with how things actually are. When we experience this discord or incongruence between how we need things to be and how they acutally are we employ a vast array of defences and strategies to live with this distressing reality: avoid, deny, pretend, minimize, hide, distract, use food and substances and suppress being many of our most employed in a desperate and ultimately failing attempt to stay away from the truth of our actual experience. 

Though completely counterintuitive and paradoxical, from having ultimately worked with others in this domain for over four decades, one law governing the inner world of humans that has never failed to be powerful and true is this twin-sided one: “Whatever you deny or resist will persist and get bigger.” “Whatever you admit to, accept, face, and allow yourself to fully experience will lose its hold over you.” Herein is the confounding, sometimes daunting, but ultimately liberating way out of an immense amount of your suffering. Astonishingly, it is the way in. That is to say, the way out is the way in. 

— Joel Brass(Therapist, seminar leader, author)

I’ve been working with Joel on and off for many years, and my experience is, the deeper the healing, the better my life. I found the love of my life, and our relationship is very easy for us to navigate, which brings tremendous peace and fulfillment. My career continues to offer greater meaning and enjoyment, which is surprising, frankly. I have also found a financial freedom I never thought possible, and it’s effortless. Go figure. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Embracing our lives as they really are (and forgiving our limitations)…

Practice is not about overcoming human problems. It’s not about becoming serene or transcendent. It’s about embracing our lives as they really are, and understanding at every point how deep and profound and gorgeous everything is - even the suffering, even the difficulty. So we forgive ourselves for our limitations, and we forgive the world for its pain.

We don’t say, “That’s not pain.” It is pain. You don’t say “It’s not difficult.” It is difficult. But when we embrace the difficulty… we see this is exactly the difficulty we need. And this difficulty is the most beautiful and poignant thing in this world. 

— Zoketsu Norman Fischer 

This is a quote provided by my favourite therapist, and life guru (Joel Brass, based in British Columbia. He conducts brilliant in person seminars/relationship courses, and offers virtual therapy as well). I’ve learned to follow this profound advice. While counter-intuitive, I continue to see how facing the um-faceable de-mystifies and de-stigmatizes some of the most scary and tumultuous challenges. Currently, I am dealing with a scary cancer diagnosis, and “leaning into” the immense fear and unknown allowed me to cultivate a deeper strength and resolve than I could have imagined. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

One of the hardest lessons…

One of the hardest lessons is realizing that not everyone is interested in growth, being better, or changing.

Some people are fine behaving the way they do, even if it’s harmful. Accepting this will remind you that you decide who and what you pour your energy into. 

—@yourcourageouscomeback

I think this has been my toughest life lesson. I don’t like losing people, especially treasured, long standing relationships. You just don’t meet highly compatible people all that often. Unfortunately, I’ve had to come to grips with my deal breakers and say no to certain behaviours; a mean streak, judgmental tendencies,  snarky’ness, cold shoulder treatment rather than adult conversation are a few of mine. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Many people are children in adult bodies…

With someone emotionally immature, you’ll have a childlike relationship. There’s no real conflict resolution. No accountability. No growth. Many people are children in adult bodies-unwilling to do the work, but expecting you to carry the weight of the relationship.

— @yourcourageouscomeback

This explains so much about my earlier relationships… until I did my own emotional healing work and began to prioritize accountable, healthy, adult friends. Which also helped me draw good boundaries,  and be clear on my needs, wants, can’t live with’s and can’t live withouts. This growth allowed me to find (attract) my perfect life partner. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Lacking the emotional maturity to sustain a healthy relationship?…

There are many people out there who claim they want a relationship but don’t have the self-awareness, emotional maturity, and accountability to sustain one. 

It’s not your responsibility to guide someone into emotional readiness.

—@yourcourageouscomeback

I definitely lacked the skills for a healthy relationship when I was younger. I had no idea how to communicate through challenges. I went sullen and silent as a rule, which is most unhelpful. I had no idea how to ask for what I wanted or needed, and I’m not sure I even knew what I needed back then. I was so used to putting myself second, after a stressful and punishing upbringing. I highly recommend acquiring new interpersonal skills. I took a number of therapist led, relationship seminars, where I learned how to “clear” (invite a very safe, two way dialogue, that tends to heal and deepen relationships), among other key, relationship building skills. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

You can’t love someone into emotional maturity…

You can’t love someone into emotional maturity, you can only drain yourself trying. 

Love doesn’t heal what accountability avoids, and the longer you try to fix someone who refuses to grow, the further you drift from the version of you that deserves peace. 

— Robert Wilkinson 

This describes all of my early relationships, Lol. But seriously, what I learned from much intensive therapy is that it was me that needed the healing and tender, loving care all along. I put my energy into others because I so badly wanted a safe relationship, to make up for the lack of safety I grew up with. But unhealed people don’t make for a very safe environment. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Acceptance frees you from trying to change anyone…

I fell in love with this quote:

Accept people as they are, but place them where they belong. Always remember you are the CEO of your life. Acceptance frees you from trying to change anyone. Boundaries protect your peace. Not everyone earns the same access, the same closeness, or the same seat at your table, and that’s not cruelty, it’s self respect. 

— Unknown

I don’t know about you, but I was too tolerant in my younger days. I thought I was being unconditionally loving, and realistic in accepting that people have flaws. But after much healing work, my boundaries are firm and deal breakers non-negotiable. Life is pretty drama free, and it’s a relief, I must say. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl