Romance the smallest part of life partnership…

When you choose a life partner:

romance is the smallest part of it. You are choosing the way conflict will be handled in your home. You are choosing how money will be spent, saved, or wasted. You are choosing whether growth will be encouraged or dismissed. You are choosing how mistakes will be met, with cruelty or grace. You are choosing how anger will sound in your household and how silence will feel. You are choosing whose habits you will live with every single day. Chemistry fades. Irresponsibility, disrespect, and immaturity do not. The wrong choice will cost you years of peace you will never get back. The right choice gives you more than love. It gives you safety, stability, and a life you can finally breathe in.

— Unknown 

I sure wish I’d learned this earlier, as I certainly lost years of peace. My relationship break downs led to transformative therapy though, and I figured out how to select a better matched partnership, with respect,  maturity and safety. Fewf.  Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Not a safe person…

I can have empathy and compassion over someone’s history and still recognize they’re not a safe person.

— Unknown 

I don’t know about you, but I’ve struggled to set certain boundaries. I have “allowed” behaviours that I am actually uncomfortable with. In fact, they’re deal breakers; judgmental tendencies, needing to walk on eggshells, lack of accountability, and hypocrisy (expecting certain treatment, while not reciprocating in kind). I understand my struggle, given a very nostalgic history and legitimate connection. But at the end of the day, I’ve chosen peace and a safe environment. It was a long time coming. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The question of emotional capacity…

The more emotionally intelligent you become, the less you take things personally. You begin to realize that the way someone treats you is shaped by their relationship with themselves, their self-awareness, their emotional capacity, and their nervous system state. 

You learn that someone’s capacity to meet you has nothing to do with your value, and everything to do with their own.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist says we tend to attract and be attracted to someone who is equally capable and incapable of a healthy committed relationship and intimacy. And he says it’ll always look to us that we are the more capable one ;) In my experience, emotional capacity grows profoundly with a focus on deep healing work and learning new relationship skills. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Accepting the apology you’ll never get…

Toxic family rarely apologize. They would rather carry their denial to the grave than face the damage they’ve caused. In their minds, the pain they created was somehow your fault. 

Sometimes healing means accepting the apology you’ll never get. 

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist helped me with “complicated grieving” after my mother’s passing. My mother was unwell physically and mentally during my upbringing, which left the bulk of household responsibilities to me and my sister. And from a very young age as well. I have pictures of us standing on chairs washing dishes at 5/7’ish years old. Into our adult years my sister and I got busy with our own lives, and my brother took a turn (he also lived at home until 30 years old). Shockingly, whey my mother died, she pretty much left everything to my brother, as though our work camp-like childhood never happened. This was a crushing moment with no possible resolution. Fortunately, I learned that there are ways of dealing with such cases. So I followed my therapist’s guidance and wrote various letters to my mother. We went a step further and wrote a bio, with an eye on her vantage point. It was a most pleasant turn to find empathy for my mother and her unique challenges. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The external world and our lack of control…

The more we value things outside of our control, the less control we have.

— Epictetus (Ancient philosopher, who taught that we cannot control external events, and should therefore focus on self-discipline, acceptance and inner freedom) 

My favourite therapist would say something similar. In his forty years of individual and family counselling, he feels that healing and recovery tend to require the cultivation of internal strength, and some sense of  “higher power”. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Ten toes in the circle for true, committed love…

You need to stop giving 100% to people who give 30%.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist talks about ten toes in the circle for any committed, monogamous relationship to have a shot at lasting success. Each person must have both feet in, fully invested. And he says you can’t put in twelve toes while the other person puts in eight. Both scenarios are not an example of committed love. It’s taken me an embarrassing amount of time to understand that over-giving is not love, but a trauma response. Apparently, if you grow up feeling neglected, clamouring for attention and feedback, odds are you become a “fixer”, or a caretaker. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Listen to hear, or understand?…

I used to think communication was everything, until I realized understanding is. 

You can talk all you want, but if the other person doesn’t truly hear you, it’s just noise. 

— Unknown 

I’ve learned a lot about “clearing” from my favourite therapist. Clearing involves approaching someone you have tension with and attempting to clear the air. Within the context of the weekend therapy seminars I’ve taken, we’re instructed to own our own reactions and responses to other people. The intention is to understand ourselves and our reactions better, and potentially identify and resolve root causes. As per my therapist, our triggers are typically a result of our own issues, and probably less to do with the person who has annoyed/hurt/angered us in the present moment. I have found clearing to be a process, requiring a humble vulnerability and a willingness to be known. For me, understanding has been a wonderful outcome. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl