At a certain age, it’s our responsibility to grow and heal…

After a certain age, it is literally your responsibility, no one else’s, to teach yourself the things you were deprived of, to unlearn and let go of all the toxic habits, because flaunting anger issues, being emotionally unavailable, and not being able to communicate your feelings seems like nothing more than an excuse. Life is unfair to everyone in various ways, a little to some, a lot to others. You cannot spend your whole life whining and complaining about how cruel it was to you; the trauma inflicted upon you cannot be justified, but it is your duty to heal, grow, and feel safe in your mind.

— Unknown 

I learned this lesson from a coach of A Course in Miracles. “Victim mentality” was a new concept for me and a paradigm shift to be sure. In truth, healing is pain staking work. You typically need to revisit all the shit, in order to sort it out and find peace. But, for me, the rewards have been quite extraordinary. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The healthiest people own their moods…

The healthiest people regulate their own nervous system instead of making you responsible for their mood. They can sit with discomfort without lashing out, talk about what’s wrong without turning it into a war, and hold their healing without weaponizing their wounds. They take responsibility for how they show up, even on bad days. They know the difference between sharing a burden and dumping it. They don’t make love conditional on you managing their triggers. They create safety without demanding control. Because love isn’t about finding someone to carry our chaos, it’s about finding someone who carries their own.

— Anonymous

I’m starting to comprehend the difference between knowing something intellectually, and embodying it. It’s fascinating to me that we can hear something, think we understand the concept, and yet not evolve. For example, I’ve had a tendency to over-give. In fact, I’ve taken great pride in my kindness and generosity, knowing that this is the kind of person I choose to be, and want to be. But inevitably, the bill comes due in my close relationships. I find myself depleted and frustrated with others’ lack of reciprocity. I’ve begun to pull back, in a sound way (with the nudge of a health crisis and my therapist’s guidance), and I’ve taken responsibility for my end in things. And go figure, others have come forward in a beautiful way. I’ve learned that some of these habitual behaviours are actually long standing, childhood coping mechanisms. Most likely, we are unaware of these operating systems, and don’t realize that we have the power to choose differently. I find the whole discussion intriguing. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Nice is just gift wrap…

Nice is not the same as kind. Nice is not the same as ethical. Nice is not the same as moral. The older I get, the less interested I am in “nice.” Nice is the gift wrap; it says nothing about what’s inside. 

— Anonymous 

I don’t know about it you, but I’ve had to learn to be more discerning with “friends”, and more cautious up front, especially with “nice” people. I learned the hard way, unfortunately, and found myself burned by people I thought I could trust. Just sayin ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Gut feelings you shouldn’t ignore…

5 gut feelings you should never ignore

1. A sudden heaviness in your chest — it’s your body’s quiet way of warning you.

2. Disliking someone without knowing why — your instincts notice what your eyes miss.

3. Feeling like you need to leave a place — your energy often senses what’s unseen.

4. Struggling to decide — when it’s right, it feels peaceful, not confusing.

5. Wanting to change your route — sometimes your inner voice already knows why

— Unknown

I’ve been trusting my gut more and more. I started noticing that when I allowed logic and common sense to overrule my gut, I’d end up kicking myself. Something unforeseen would happen, and if I’d listened to my gut, I would have fared better. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Every time you swallow a boundary…

Tolerating always turns into resentment. 

At first, you call it patience, then love. But what it really is, is self-abandonment. Every time you swallow a boundary, excuse a pattern, or silence your discomfort, something inside you keeps score. And eventually the bill comes due.

— Anonymous

My biggest lesson in life was determining, and standing by, my deal breakers. I applied this to my love life, and met my perfect life partner. We have a very easy relationship because we are aligned as a match, and we have enormous respect, passion and compassion for one another. I finally realized I need the same level of compatibility and empathy in my friendships as well. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Some of us weren’t raised. We were just managed…

Some of us weren’t raised.  

We were just managed. We weren’t nurtured. We were just told to behave. Be quiet. Be good. Don’t upset. Don’t feel. Don’t need too much. We didn’t get emotional education. We got emotional neglect disguised as discipline. And now we’re adults trying to build lives, hold relationships, raise children, with no blueprint for how to meet our own needs, let alone anyone else’s. That’s not our fault. But it is our responsibility to break that cycle. To re-parent ourselves. To learn how to comfort, not just control. Because the world doesn’t need more “well-behaved” adults. It needs emotionally safe ones. 

— Unknown

I don’t know about you, but I find this kind of information quite helpful. My favourite therapist says, in his 40 years of private practice, that a good percentage of us have experienced “not love” rather than “love” in our upbringing. And so when it comes to a committed, long term relationship, we’ll be challenged to create the kind of love we may envision. Fortunately, as I’ve learned, it’s never too late to break and cycle and cultivate the skills necessary to create a wonderful relationship. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Never taught the basics of being whole…

The real problem is,  most of us were raised by parents who were just surviving — so they taught us survival, not life. No one sat us down to explain how debt works, how to self-soothe, how to say ‘no’ without guilt, or how to walk away from love that hurts. We weren’t shown what emotional safety looks like-just told to keep the peace, suppress the feelings, and hustle harder. Now we’re adults paying bills on autopilot, spiralling in relationships, mistaking burnout for success, and calling anxiety our personality. Lost, overwhelmed, and wondering why we feel broken-when in reality, we were just never taught the basics of being whole.

— Unknown 

This is a great summary of what I learned in therapy. My parents got married at 18 and 21, and they were truly just surviving, financially and emotionally. They passed down what they learned from their parents, and the parents before them. And unfortunately, healthy relationships skills were not present. I’m just glad I had the curiosity to pursue new, helpful skills for the sake of myself and my relationships. Game changer. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl