A relationship without emotional safety is an attachment or trauma bond…

A relationship without emotional safety is not a relationship, it’s an attachment or a trauma bond. You deserve to express yourself freely, to voice your needs, to require resolution after conflict and to feel emotionally safe in your relationship.

— Anonymous

Well said. I really wish I’d learned this earlier. It would have saved me two divorces and some very stressful friendships. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Can’t hear without getting defensive…

Some people will never grow because they can’t hear without getting defensive. They can’t see the ways they hurt others, only the threat they feel when someone points it out. They focus on their own discomfort instead of the impact of their actions. 

If someone can’t sit with the truth of their behaviour, they will keep repeating the same patterns. 

— Unknown

It’s too bad really because this one thing (getting defensive, instead of hearing how someone is feeling) tanks a lot of relationships. I’m just glad I ended up on a healing journey, which has allowed me to not take things so personally. We are going to impact one another, and life is so much better when you can sit down and chat in a safe, mutually beneficial space. I also know, however, that some pairings are just not compatible enough, which explains my two divorces! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

No reaction was safe, so you turned everything inward…

You were not allowed to be angry. If you cried, you were unstable. If you went quiet, you were cold. If you spoke up, you were abusive. 

No reaction was safe, so you started turning everything inward until the only person you were allowed to hurt was yourself.

— Anonymous 

This is exactly what happened to me! My father ran our house like a court of law, and we all found ourselves on the hot seat regularly. My father also considered pretty much any reaction, however honest, authentic and often involuntary, a rebellion. He believed in corporal punishment and had a sadistic streak. It’s no wonder I ended up with a broken compass, as my therapist diagnosed. He said “You want everything to be sunny and sunnier, but without the “negative” emotions, you are missing out on very important information.” He went on to explain that our uncomfortable emotions tell us how we’re feeling and that we should probably take action. Do we need to draw additional boundaries; learn to say no, walk away from certain people and/or situations? Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Not every outcome is yours to decide…

As much as you want to fix it, control it, or even fight it, sometimes the wisest and hardest thing you can do is let go… 

Because not every battle is yours to fight.  

Not every burden is yours to carry.

Not every outcome is yours to decide.

Surrender doesn’t mean giving up. It means believing in better timing and perhaps a better outcome. 

— Anonymous 

I do NOT like change. I typically find the process stressful and painful. Even getting a new device seems to come with technical difficulties and a bunch of start up/re- sign on to-do’s. I hate it. Having said that, once past the hassle, there’s usually some sweet upside, with easier processes. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Lower capacity for other people’s chaos…

I thought healing would make me softer but it made me harder in some ways. Less tolerant of disrespect. Quicker to walk away. Lower capacity for other people’s chaos. I’m not mean. I’m just protective of the peace it took years to build. Boundaries feel cold to people who benefitted from you having none. 

— Anonymous 

I’ve had a similar experience. I needed to walk away from relationships that were causing quite a bit of stress. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

How people treat us is a reflection of their character…

I was extremely sad for how someone treated me. Then I remembered how kind I am to people, and that this is a reflection of me. 

How people treat me is a projection of their character and not a reflection of my value. 

May I always remember that. 

— Anonymous

My main take away from intensive therapy is the huge role our family of origin plays in our future relationships. How we were treated (indoctrinated, or habituated) can land like grooves on a record, as we establish, and rely on certain coping mechanisms. A sort of auto pilot can take over, leading us to accept familiar treatment (that we are used to from years and years of similar treatment at home), even when it’s unacceptable. For me, there were pretty obvious deal breakers that I continued to allow in my relationships. Fortunately, I cultivated new relationship skills (in individual therapy and weekend group therapy seminars, where you practice these new skills) and learned to say no to unhealthy behaviours that cause me additional distress. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

In the grip of unconscious coping mechanisms?…

People think healing is soft.  

But healing is violent. Because nothing is scarier than waking up one day and realizing… your whole personality was just a trauma response. That your calm was actually suppression. Your independence was built on not being able to rely on anyone. Your perfectionism was just fear in disguise. Healing means grieving the version of you who did what she had to just to feel safe.

And letting her go is the hardest part. 

—heirophantpublishing.com

Yup, I learned all about that in intensive therapy. I thought I was just a very clean and tidy, independent over achiever. Turns out, I was clinging to the few things I could control; my work ethic, the state of my home/self/car and showering others with gifts and attention. These coping mechanisms served me well, but over time I exhausted the hell out of myself. I now know how to take care of myself first, and then attend to the business at hand. I’ve maintained my work ethic, tendency to clean and organize, and generosity, but I definitely check in with myself first before committing to anything. Fewf. It’s a load off. Just saying ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl