Ten toes in the circle for true, committed love…

You need to stop giving 100% to people who give 30%.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist talks about ten toes in the circle for any committed, monogamous relationship to have a shot at lasting success. Each person must have both feet in, fully invested. And he says you can’t put in twelve toes while the other person puts in eight. Both scenarios are not an example of committed love. It’s taken me an embarrassing amount of time to understand that over-giving is not love, but a trauma response. Apparently, if you grow up feeling neglected, clamouring for attention and feedback, odds are you become a “fixer”, or a caretaker. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Listen to hear, or understand?…

I used to think communication was everything, until I realized understanding is. 

You can talk all you want, but if the other person doesn’t truly hear you, it’s just noise. 

— Unknown 

I’ve learned a lot about “clearing” from my favourite therapist. Clearing involves approaching someone you have tension with and attempting to clear the air. Within the context of the weekend therapy seminars I’ve taken, we’re instructed to own our own reactions and responses to other people. The intention is to understand ourselves and our reactions better, and potentially identify and resolve root causes. As per my therapist, our triggers are typically a result of our own issues, and probably less to do with the person who has annoyed/hurt/angered us in the present moment. I have found clearing to be a process, requiring a humble vulnerability and a willingness to be known. For me, understanding has been a wonderful outcome. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The nervous system remembers…

You may not remember, but your nervous system does. 

That’s why when you’re triggered without knowing why, you’re anxious for “no reason”, you have chronic symptoms but doctors say you’re fine, you feel overwhelmed when “nothing is wrong” and you’re dissociated but don’t even know it. 

— Unknown 

I was at least somewhat aware of the effects of my traumatic childhood, but I had no idea the depth and complexity of the issues. I’ve worked with a therapist for many years now, and we continue to find root causes of the triggers and hurt feelings of today. For example, if I feel I haven’t been recognized for something important, or if I haven’t been factored into an important decision, I can slide right back to some very foundational and sad feelings of neglect. In my experience, it has been extremely freeing to disentangle my old wounds from today’s relationships. Fewf! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Mind’s struggle with uncertainty…

My therapist told me:

Anxiety isn’t just fear, it’s the mind’s struggle with uncertainty. When you can’t tolerate the unknown, you try to control it through overthinking, over planning and overdoing. But that only convinces your brain you’re unsafe. Healing begins when you train your nervous system to feel safe in the unknown. I don’t know what will happen, but I trust I’ll be okay.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist, in his forty years of private practice, has observed that healing, particularly from trauma, tends to require a belief in something larger than oneself. Whether one believes in God or not, he advises cultivating a relationship with a “higher power”, or a sense of “God” or “Spirit”. And this, he says, provides a reprieve, and comfort, from the stressors, and lack of control, in the our mortal world. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Sucking the life out of you…

You can’t keep getting mad at people for sucking the life out of you if you keep giving them the straw.

— Unknown

I finally learned about my deal breakers in love. But it’s taken me forever to say no thank you to certain behaviours in certain friendships. I allowed some degree of rudeness, prickliness, negativity and judgemental tendencies, mainly due to legacy and nostalgia. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Duty and obligation revisited…

My mentor told me, “Showing your emotions to the wrong people is like bleeding next to a shark.” 

And I felt that.

— Unknown 

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had to draw new boundaries in my relationships. My favourite therapist helped me understand what I need and how to better take care of myself. For example, my therapist calls into question duty and obligation. He proposes that we should only proceed with certain plans and commitments if, and only if, we choose to, and if we have the energy… even when it comes to family. It had never occurred to me that “obligations” could potentially be optional? Clearly, I hadn’t been making my well being enough of a priority. And ignoring one’s needs can actually lead to depression, and even ill health. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

A softer life exists…

No one tells you now hard it is to rewire your brain to allow amazing things to happen after experiencing so much trauma and pain. Blessings exist, good people exist, and a softer life exists. Let it happen.

— Unknown 

I hadn’t really considered this particular after effect of trauma. But no question, I’ve absolutely braced myself for the other shoe to drop throughout my life, after an unpredictable and unsafe upbringing. So, I’m going to let this lovely and calming idea of a softer life sink in today… Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl