The emotional maturity to sustain a relationship?…

There are many people out there who claim they want a relationship but don’t have the self-awareness, emotional maturity, and accountability to sustain one. It’s not your responsibility to guide someone into emotional readiness. 

— @yourcourageouscomeback

I was one of those people. I had no idea how to address issues or conflict in my relationships, and I was afraid of anger and backlash (having survived an abusive, sometimes violent upbringing). Fortunately, I learned new relationship (communication) skills through therapy and therapist led workshops. My take away is that it’s never too late to be a part of the solution and to have your own back. For me, this means speaking up and advocating for my needs and wants, while respecting the same for my partner. Life is so much easier in this sort of collaborative union. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Can’t teach someone to take accountability…

You can’t build a healthy relationship with someone who lacks emotional intelligence. It’s not your responsibility to teach someone how to take accountability, apologize, or treat you with respect. These qualities are the foundation of a healthy connection-they’re not extra’s, and they’re certainly not negotiable. 

— Unknown 

Wow. In all my years of therapy, I’ve not heard a summary quite this succinct, understandable and comforting, frankly. I realize my most challenging, painful relationships were doomed from the start. No doubt because of my troubled upbringing, I lacked healthy boundaries and allowed theses non-negotiables; lack of emotional intelligence, lack of accountability and a lack of respect. I’m happy knowing this now because my relationships are very supportive and mutually beneficial and I know how to take proper care of myself. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

People who run from their feelings…

People who run from their own feelings will eventually run from yours too. 

When someone avoids accountability, their frustration, blame, and unresolved pain will eventually get projected onto you.

— @yourcorageouscomeback

My favourite therapist says you can’t heal what you can’t feel. And you can’t feel what you deny (or you are unaware of) is real. I’ve embarked on a number of year long, deep healing, group therapy courses, and I’ve been able to connect a few dots. I was surprised to recognize that some of my classic, MO behaviours in the present began as childhood coping mechanisms; my neat freak clean routine (this kept me out of trouble and secured approval from my parents), my tendency to over-give (again, secured approval as a good girl at home). Now that I’m aware of it, I’ve been able to curb certain behaviours. It’s a weight off actually. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Black sheep usually the cycle breaker?…

If you are a woman who feels like the black sheep of her family, read this:

There will always be moments when you wonder why you never fit in the way everyone else seemed to. Why your thoughts were different, why your feelings were stronger, why you always sensed things no one else acknowledged. You grew up learning to quiet your truth just to keep the peace. You learned to shrink yourself so no one would call you difficult or dramatic. And somewhere along the line, you forgot that being different is not a flaw. It is a sign of depth, of awareness, of spirit. Feeling like the outsider in your own family creates a loneliness that is hard to explain. It is the kind of ache that follows you into adulthood, making you question your worth in rooms where you deserve to stand tall. But here is the truth. The black sheep is usually the cycle breaker. The one who sees the patterns everyone else ignores. The one who refuses to repeat the hurt she grew up with. The one who becomes exactly what the next generation needs. You were never meant to blend in. You were meant to evolve. To grow. To rise. And even if they never understood you, understand yourself. Be kind to the girl inside you who has always felt misplaced. She deserved love. She still does. 

— Unknown (quote from Pinterest) 

Well, wow. This really describes how I felt growing up. My favourite therapist says that if even one person in the family pursues healing work, the whole family benefits. Not to mention the lifeline for the one brave enough to sit in the hot seat (couch). Just sayin’ ; ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

What we allow will continue…

Uncomfortable truth:  

You teach people how to treat you. 

Accept disrespect? You’ll get more.

Tolerate lateness? It becomes normal.

Forgive without change? It continues.

People don’t treat you how you deserve. They treat you how you allow. 

Boundaries aren’t mean - they are instructive.

— @scottdclary

I find boundaries a work in progress, and easier with certain personalities. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Romance the smallest part of life partnership…

When you choose a life partner:

romance is the smallest part of it. You are choosing the way conflict will be handled in your home. You are choosing how money will be spent, saved, or wasted. You are choosing whether growth will be encouraged or dismissed. You are choosing how mistakes will be met, with cruelty or grace. You are choosing how anger will sound in your household and how silence will feel. You are choosing whose habits you will live with every single day. Chemistry fades. Irresponsibility, disrespect, and immaturity do not. The wrong choice will cost you years of peace you will never get back. The right choice gives you more than love. It gives you safety, stability, and a life you can finally breathe in.

— Unknown 

I sure wish I’d learned this earlier, as I certainly lost years of peace. My relationship break downs led to transformative therapy though, and I figured out how to select a better matched partnership, with respect,  maturity and safety. Fewf.  Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Not a safe person…

I can have empathy and compassion over someone’s history and still recognize they’re not a safe person.

— Unknown 

I don’t know about you, but I’ve struggled to set certain boundaries. I have “allowed” behaviours that I am actually uncomfortable with. In fact, they’re deal breakers; judgmental tendencies, needing to walk on eggshells, lack of accountability, and hypocrisy (expecting certain treatment, while not reciprocating in kind). I understand my struggle, given a very nostalgic history and legitimate connection. But at the end of the day, I’ve chosen peace and a safe environment. It was a long time coming. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The question of emotional capacity…

The more emotionally intelligent you become, the less you take things personally. You begin to realize that the way someone treats you is shaped by their relationship with themselves, their self-awareness, their emotional capacity, and their nervous system state. 

You learn that someone’s capacity to meet you has nothing to do with your value, and everything to do with their own.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist says we tend to attract and be attracted to someone who is equally capable and incapable of a healthy committed relationship and intimacy. And he says it’ll always look to us that we are the more capable one ;) In my experience, emotional capacity grows profoundly with a focus on deep healing work and learning new relationship skills. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Accepting the apology you’ll never get…

Toxic family rarely apologize. They would rather carry their denial to the grave than face the damage they’ve caused. In their minds, the pain they created was somehow your fault. 

Sometimes healing means accepting the apology you’ll never get. 

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist helped me with “complicated grieving” after my mother’s passing. My mother was unwell physically and mentally during my upbringing, which left the bulk of household responsibilities to me and my sister. And from a very young age as well. I have pictures of us standing on chairs washing dishes at 5/7’ish years old. Into our adult years my sister and I got busy with our own lives, and my brother took a turn (he also lived at home until 30 years old). Shockingly, whey my mother died, she pretty much left everything to my brother, as though our work camp-like childhood never happened. This was a crushing moment with no possible resolution. Fortunately, I learned that there are ways of dealing with such cases. So I followed my therapist’s guidance and wrote various letters to my mother. We went a step further and wrote a bio, with an eye on her vantage point. It was a most pleasant turn to find empathy for my mother and her unique challenges. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The external world and our lack of control…

The more we value things outside of our control, the less control we have.

— Epictetus (Ancient philosopher, who taught that we cannot control external events, and should therefore focus on self-discipline, acceptance and inner freedom) 

My favourite therapist would say something similar. In his forty years of individual and family counselling, he feels that healing and recovery tend to require the cultivation of internal strength, and some sense of  “higher power”. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Ten toes in the circle for true, committed love…

You need to stop giving 100% to people who give 30%.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist talks about ten toes in the circle for any committed, monogamous relationship to have a shot at lasting success. Each person must have both feet in, fully invested. And he says you can’t put in twelve toes while the other person puts in eight. Both scenarios are not an example of committed love. It’s taken me an embarrassing amount of time to understand that over-giving is not love, but a trauma response. Apparently, if you grow up feeling neglected, clamouring for attention and feedback, odds are you become a “fixer”, or a caretaker. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Listen to hear, or understand?…

I used to think communication was everything, until I realized understanding is. 

You can talk all you want, but if the other person doesn’t truly hear you, it’s just noise. 

— Unknown 

I’ve learned a lot about “clearing” from my favourite therapist. Clearing involves approaching someone you have tension with and attempting to clear the air. Within the context of the weekend therapy seminars I’ve taken, we’re instructed to own our own reactions and responses to other people. The intention is to understand ourselves and our reactions better, and potentially identify and resolve root causes. As per my therapist, our triggers are typically a result of our own issues, and probably less to do with the person who has annoyed/hurt/angered us in the present moment. I have found clearing to be a process, requiring a humble vulnerability and a willingness to be known. For me, understanding has been a wonderful outcome. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The nervous system remembers…

You may not remember, but your nervous system does. 

That’s why when you’re triggered without knowing why, you’re anxious for “no reason”, you have chronic symptoms but doctors say you’re fine, you feel overwhelmed when “nothing is wrong” and you’re dissociated but don’t even know it. 

— Unknown 

I was at least somewhat aware of the effects of my traumatic childhood, but I had no idea the depth and complexity of the issues. I’ve worked with a therapist for many years now, and we continue to find root causes of the triggers and hurt feelings of today. For example, if I feel I haven’t been recognized for something important, or if I haven’t been factored into an important decision, I can slide right back to some very foundational and sad feelings of neglect. In my experience, it has been extremely freeing to disentangle my old wounds from today’s relationships. Fewf! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Mind’s struggle with uncertainty…

My therapist told me:

Anxiety isn’t just fear, it’s the mind’s struggle with uncertainty. When you can’t tolerate the unknown, you try to control it through overthinking, over planning and overdoing. But that only convinces your brain you’re unsafe. Healing begins when you train your nervous system to feel safe in the unknown. I don’t know what will happen, but I trust I’ll be okay.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist, in his forty years of private practice, has observed that healing, particularly from trauma, tends to require a belief in something larger than oneself. Whether one believes in God or not, he advises cultivating a relationship with a “higher power”, or a sense of “God” or “Spirit”. And this, he says, provides a reprieve, and comfort, from the stressors, and lack of control, in the our mortal world. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Sucking the life out of you…

You can’t keep getting mad at people for sucking the life out of you if you keep giving them the straw.

— Unknown

I finally learned about my deal breakers in love. But it’s taken me forever to say no thank you to certain behaviours in certain friendships. I allowed some degree of rudeness, prickliness, negativity and judgemental tendencies, mainly due to legacy and nostalgia. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Duty and obligation revisited…

My mentor told me, “Showing your emotions to the wrong people is like bleeding next to a shark.” 

And I felt that.

— Unknown 

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had to draw new boundaries in my relationships. My favourite therapist helped me understand what I need and how to better take care of myself. For example, my therapist calls into question duty and obligation. He proposes that we should only proceed with certain plans and commitments if, and only if, we choose to, and if we have the energy… even when it comes to family. It had never occurred to me that “obligations” could potentially be optional? Clearly, I hadn’t been making my well being enough of a priority. And ignoring one’s needs can actually lead to depression, and even ill health. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

A softer life exists…

No one tells you now hard it is to rewire your brain to allow amazing things to happen after experiencing so much trauma and pain. Blessings exist, good people exist, and a softer life exists. Let it happen.

— Unknown 

I hadn’t really considered this particular after effect of trauma. But no question, I’ve absolutely braced myself for the other shoe to drop throughout my life, after an unpredictable and unsafe upbringing. So, I’m going to let this lovely and calming idea of a softer life sink in today… Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Learn to calm your own storm…

My therapist told me:

“Learn to calm your own storm instead of venting to other people. It sounds therapeutic to let it all out, but you’re reinforcing your negative thoughts. It’s no one’s job but yours to pull you out of your own shit. Journal, meditate, exercise and release.” 

And then it all made sense.

— Unknown 

For me, therapy, energy work and life coaching have been invaluable. Journaling, meditating and exercise are a wonderful supplement, but some things are just beyond me to go it alone. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Carrying words you cannot say…

Carl Jung said, “Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.” Loneliness is rarely about empty rooms. It is about carrying words you cannot say and truths you do not feel safe to share. Healing is learning to speak what matters most so you are no longer alone with it. This is the work of letting yourself be seen and known for who you really are. 

— Unknown 

Wow, this is such an incredible teaching. I’ve been working on “having my own back” more, as per my favourite therapist. And I am still learning how to be vulnerable and speak to my needs. I find that when I share deep truths, lovingly and respectfully, a warmer togetherness is the result. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Love by fixing or over-giving?…

My therapist told me:

“When a person grows up feeling unseen, they learn to love by over-giving. The pour everything into everyone else, hoping that, one day, someone will finally pour back into them. So they become the care taker. The fixer, the one who shows up, even when no one shows up for them.” And the hardest part? Deep down, they’re not trying to be strong. They’re just waiting for someone to do for them what they’ve spent their whole life doing for everyone else.” 

— Unknown 

That was so me. Fortunately, layer by later, and thanks to my favourite therapist, I’ve soothed and healed enough old wounds to know how to take care of myself, and leave others to their end in things. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Things that drain our energy…

Journaling prompts:

• What do I need more of in my life?
• What do I want to be for myself?
• If I was living my dream life, what would it look like?
• How have I been feeling recently?
• What am I most excited for?
• What has been giving me energy?
• What has been draining my energy?

— @betteryouforyou

A very savvy coach advised me to consider such questions and to set intentions around them. For example, how do I want to feel in my primary relationship, what sort of corporate culture would suit me best, what sort of manager would I prefer to deal with, what do I want to keep doing in my life and what activities do I never want to do again. Taking stock in this way led to the perfect love of my life, going on 11 years now, and my ideal job, going on 13 years. Just sayin’ ;)  Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Mindset an underrated life tool…

Exercise is the most underused antidepressant.

Food is the most abused anxiety drug.

Sunlight is the most overlooked happy pill. 

Sleep is the most under appreciated healer. 

Mindset is the most underrated life tool. 

— Unknown 

It sounds easy enough. But in my experience, an altered mindset can require professional help. To get out of my own way, I needed to offload some problematic baggage. For example, I used to find my intelligence insulted rather frequently. I did not like being told what to do. Period. In therapy, all roads led to a controlling father, who used to say “ You’re completely missing the point” to pretty much anything and everything I had to say. Being shut down to this extend left an enduring Achilles Heal. So when questioned, my rather large trigger would be tripped. Thankfully, and I’m proud to say, my favourite therapist helped me land on curiosity. Listening, instead of being defensive, is my biggest mindset shift, and I believe I’ve found success, financial security and probably the love of my life because of it. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Believe in miracles?…

Any time you look at yourself with critical eyes, switch your focus immediately to the presence within, and its perfection will reveal itself to you. As you do this, all imperfections that have manifested in your life will dissolve, because imperfections cannot exist in the light of this presence. Whether you want to regain perfect eyesight, dissolve disease and restore well-being, turn poverty into abundance, reverse aging and degeneration, or eradicate any negativity, focus on and love the presence within you and perfection will manifest. 

— excerpt from The Secret 

I find mindset and one’s approach to stress a worthy subject matter. I’ve resorted to low expectations from time to time, to avoid being blind sided. For example, I’m dealing with a serious health scare right now, and there have been numerous mini-escalations. Fortunately, things are looking up and I should be okay. But being realistic and aware of a potential worst case scenario, helped us cope this time around. Having said that, a focus on low expectations runs very counter to my hard wired optimism and drive. I also realize that being positive is my go to coping strategy. The book The Secret gives me a bit of a boost to be honest. Fantasizing about dream scenarios and even a miracle or two makes me giddy. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Crazy in love or calm in love?…

Once you grow up, you realize you don’t want to be crazy in love. 

You want to be calm in love, stable in love, patient in love, understood in love, safe in love.

Your partner should give you peace of mind and reassurance, not constant little heart attacks and high anxiety.

— @emilyvonstrasser 

Gosh, I wish I could tell my younger self, Lol. I thought the butterflies and excitement meant love. Turns out, that’s just chemistry and attraction, and not necessarily legit love. In my defence, I did not learn about unconditional love in my family of origin. Luckily I found an incredible therapist, who has helped me understand what it takes to create and maintain a worthy love relationship. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The right person…

At your very best, you still won’t be good enough for the wrong person, but at your absolute worst, you’ll still be worth it to the right person.

— Unknown 

Irreconcilable differences, that’s all I can say. I finally learned to spot my deal breakers, thanks to my favourite therapist. Just sayin ; ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Joy doesn’t have to be expensive…

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but start living. The days are flying by, and all you do is work, pay bills, and stress. Enjoy what you can… walks, sunsets, music, laughter. Joy doesn’t have to be expensive. You deserve it.

— Unknown 

I think the pandemic allowed my partner and I to find low cost fun; dancing and listening to music at home, playing cards, grabbing inexpensive food and having a picnic in the park, or even in the car on rainy days, kind of like a drive in movie, drinks with friends in the park. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Betraying yourself?…

When I look back, I’m stunned by how much I accepted just to keep people in my life - the silence, the disrespect, the one-sided effort. I stayed quiet to avoid conflict, dimmed myself to make others comfortable. That version of me is gone. I’ve learned that losing people who don’t value me is not a loss - it’s freedom. I’ll never betray myself like that again.

— Unknown 

I don’t think people under valued me necessarily. I think I was too accommodating and enabling. I’ve also come to realize that some people are limited and unwilling and/or unable to take responsibility for their actions, which leaves a one way street. If both people are accountable, and engage in healthy conversations, relationships can grow and thrive. It’s never too late to establish good boundaries and I’m glad I’ve finally said “no” to damaging and disrespectful behaviour. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Silently causing hair trigger reactions…

Healing has taught me that honesty pays. Speaking about your feelings won’t lose you anything worth having. Setting boundaries won’t scare off people who are meant to be in your life and being your true self won’t cost you genuine relationships.

— Unknown 

What I’ve learned about healing is that there are many layers, and some surprisingly deep roots. Much of what ails us sits in the unconscious, silently causing hair trigger reactions and hurt feelings. As my favourite therapist says, intensive emotional work isn’t for the faint of heart because it requires some reliving of the yucky past. But I’ve found this sort of work immensely freeing. AND, your relationships tend to improve as well, which is a huge bonus. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Out of your control, out of mind?…

• Ambition without action becomes anxiety
• The most dangerous addiction is the approval of other people
• You teach people how to treat you by what you tolerate
• Your worth isn’t tied to your productivity
• “No” is a complete sentence. You don’t have to justify yourself
• Vera Wang designed her first dress at age 40–it’s never too late to start
• If it costs your your peace, it’s too expensive
• Action creates motivation—not the other way around
• Be addicted to your passions, not your distractions
• If it’s out of your control, it deserves to be out of your mind
• It’s better to admit you walked through the wrong door than spend your life in the wrong room

— Colby Kultgen and Jay Yang 

My favourite therapist says finding greater peace and happiness may require an adjustment to our priorities. What really matters? Because focusing on money, buying things and working tends to keep the treadmill running, and no amount of money and/or success is ever enough. In his humble opinion, we should focus on our heart, spirit, soul’s desires. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Cleaning up messes you didn’t make?…

You should never be expected to be the bigger person when you didn’t create the discomfort in the first place. Too many people cause the chaos, cross the line, then want you to swallow your feelings just to keep the peace. Nah. Accountability matters. Being mature doesn’t mean accepting disrespect or cleaning up messes you didn’t make. Sometimes protecting your peace means standing firm and letting folks sit in the consequences of what they caused. 

— Unknown 

I have taken the high road too often. Fortunately, extensive therapy has helped me recognize this pattern as an enabling, coping mechanism. In order to have my own back, I’ve had to minimize time around people who are not accountable for damaging actions. I’ve needed to lose certain people, and that sucks, but I’ve certainly found more peace and calm. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Peace more important than a piece of your mind?…

Endings

don’t require drama or toxic behaviours. You can end something because it’s not what you want, it doesn’t fit where you’re going, you’re tired of trying to make it work, your needs have changed, or you can no longer accept what is happening. You don’t have to wait for a major offence to let things go. It’s okay to bow out gracefully. Sometimes peace is more important than giving someone a piece of your mind.

— Nedra Tawwab  

As I get older, peace becomes more and more important. Priorities change, and sources of stress become clearer. Just sayin’ ; ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The Peace First Theory…

That not everything you walk away from is a loss - sometimes it’s protection. You’re allowed to leave conversations, places, and people that disrupt your peace. Choosing quiet over chaos isn’t weakness. It’s self-respect. 

— Unknown 

I don’t know about you, but I’ve struggled with some of my long term relationships. Probably because they’re filled with lovely, meaningful times, but also upsetting, disruptive moments. In the end, most of those relationships have fallen off. I’ve mourned them. But I’ve also felt a sense of relief and calm. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Thoughts aren’t always true…

Overthinking? Read this:

• Your thoughts are loud, but they’re not always true.
• Most of your stress comes from living in your head.
• Stop replaying the past—it’s done.
• Stop fast-forwarding the future—it hasn’t happened.
• Peace is found in this one moment.
• Take a deep breath. That’s presence.
• You don’t have to fix everything right now. 
• Let life be what it is, not what you expect.
• Not every thought needs your attention.
• You can feel things without reacting to them.
• The now is the only place you can actually live.
• You miss life when you’re always in your head.
• Being present doesn’t mean perfect—it means aware.
• No moment is ever wrong. It just is.
• You don’t need all the answers. Just awareness.
• The more still you become, the clearer life feels.
• Let go of the need to control everything.
• What you resist will only grow louder.
• Just be here. That’s more than enough.
• Sometimes the best thing you can do is nothing at all.

— from The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle 

I haven’t read The Power of Now in a while, and this is a great refresher. I don’t know about you, but I seem to need reminders to stay in the moment, breathe, and just be. I definitely worry about things. Therapy, Craniosacral Therapy and writing really help with calming and grounding. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Calming the nervous system…

Your nervous system will feel naturally calmer when you:

• Spend more time with the right people
• Allow yourself to rest without guilt
• Make your body feel safe (tapping/affirmations)
• Take some deep breaths (shallow breaths trick the nervous system that you’re in fight/flight)
• Offer yourself compassion over judgment
• Less staring at a screen (locked eyes trick the nervous system that you’re in a a stress response)
• Lean into self-forgiveness
• Laugh
• Walk in nature
• Accept your humanness 

— @h.e.l.e.n.m.a.r.i.e.

I’ve found a number of these techniques helpful, for sure. But for me, Craniosacral Therapy, Body Talk, and traditional therapy have been even better, because you can get to some root causes, and calm things down in a more permanent way. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Don’t have to’s…

One Thing

I came to peace with in 2025 is that ‘I don’t have to.’

I don’t have to go out of my way.

I don’t have to be the bigger person.

I don’t have to fix anything I didn’t break.

I don’t have to support those who don’t support me.

I don’t have to try to make everyone happy.

I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. 

And I don’t have to keep people in my life who don’t bring me peace.

— Unknown 

I’ve been learning this lesson for a while now. My favourite therapist says we should really ponder duty and obligation, and only do what we have the energy and emotional capacity to do. Even when it comes to family. I had questions around healthy, self first or selfish? My therapist assured me that if I declined in order to take care of myself (i.e. I’m so sorry, but I seem to have a real lack of energy today), that people would be understanding. For the most part it’s gone well. Just sayin’ ; ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Having your own back…

Who betrays you once, will betray you a thousand times. There is no need to drink the whole sea to realize that it’s salty…

— Unknown 

I learned about “having one’s own back” pretty late in life, unfortunately. And that means I made far too many compromises, out of duty and obligation, setting aside what was best for my well being and happiness. It wasn’t easy making some of these changes either. Putting yourself first can read as selfish, and maybe even rude or unkind, to others. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Suffering part of the human condition…

The foundation of all mental illness is the unwillingness to experience legitimate suffering.

— Carl Gustav Jung (One of the most influential psychologists of the early 20th century, and of all time. Interestingly, Jung is considered a “godparent” of Alcoholics Anonymous, and he held the conviction that alcoholics may recover if they have a “vital spiritual (or religious) experience.” Jung’s interest in philosophy and spirituality led many to call him a mystic, but he preferred to be seen as a man of science. Jung developed major analytical concepts, such as archetypes - the psyche, aspects of unconsciousness, extraversion-introversion, individuation, interpersonal relationships, persona, shadow, self, synchronicity). 

My favourite therapist says it’s counter-intuitive, but that going toward our suffering is the way through. We tend to avoid acknowledging and feeling certain emotions. But critical information is often uncovered, allowing for the healthy processing and resolution of troublesome issues. In my experience, facing up to the scary stuff has been life changing. My favourite therapist also believes that some sort of spiritual practice is quite critical in dealing with life’s burdens. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The real luxuries in life…

Time

Health

A quiet mind

Slow mornings

Ability to travel

Rest without guilt

A good night’s sleep

Calm and “boring” days

Meaningful conversations

Home-cooked meals 

People you love

People who love you back

— Unknown 

I feel this is a somewhat older person’s list, but I’m down for it. When I was younger, it was all about fun, excitement, romance, climbing the corporate ladder, trying to become and entrepreneur and fun new experiences. But now, after divorce, near bankruptcy (due to the financial crisis of 2008), a blended family to navigate (which we’re all managing brilliantly, but requires compromise), plodding on in a corporate job that expects more and more, with less compensation, and a health crisis to boot, there’s a sharp reality. You look at your life, and what’s going on in the world with perhaps a bit less hope than you felt at the start line. Now, I remain a glass half-full girl, so I’ll go out by saying that life is still gorgeous, when you embrace the sweetness in your world. But Lordy, one certainly needs to allow for the inevitable curve balls. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

What you don’t maintain, you lose…

There is a Japanese Legend that says:

“Whether it’s a machine, a house, or a relationship. Maintenance is always cheaper than repairing.” What you don’t maintain, you eventually lose.

— Unknown

What I’ve been maintaining for a while now is my mental/emotional health. Do I always wanna spend the cash on therapy ($350 per 90 mins for my favourite therapist and $120 per hour for my Craniosacral therapist/nervous system calming)? No, I do not. But I see the slide when I skip sessions. I don’t cope as well. Even my stomach and digestion complain. So I book the appointments. I’m always relieved after a session, and the week ahead feels less daunting. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Ten Painful Truths…

1. The average human life is relatively short.
2. You will only ever life the life you create for yourself.
3. Being busy does NOT mean being productive.
4. Some kind of failure always occurs before success.
5. Thinking and doing are two very different things.
6. You don’t have to wait for an apology to forgive.
7. Some people are simply the wrong match for you.
8. It’s not other people’s job to love you; it’s yours.
9. What you own is not who you are.
10. Everything changes, every second.

— Unknown 

The stand out truth for me is “Some people are simply the wrong match for you.” It took a couple of failed marriages to realize what my deal breakers, must have’s and can’t live withouts are. I’m glad I finally figured it out! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Your feelings are always valid…

I heard a therapist say, “Your feelings are always valid, your behaviour is not.” She explained by saying feel what you feel BUT you need to be accountable for what you do as a result of those feelings.

— Unknown 

Therapy has taught me many things. The most important lesson is learning to be a part of the solution. I used to sit silently, sulking. I learned that I was actually quite emotionally paralyzed, due to a volatile and unpredictable upbringing. I was stuck in freeze mode, of the fight/flight/freeze coping mechanisms. It is freeing and empowering to be able to collect my emotions and thoughts, and address whatever’s going on. Usually this entails explaining what hit me sideways and making a request. This is simply amazing for the health of a relationship. Respectful, productive and full of self care. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Stuck on why?…

Sometimes 

our minds get stuck asking “why”, but in life not everything has an answer. When we can accept this, we find our peace. 

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist says some things are just our legacy. We can’t change who are parents are/were and we can’t change where we grew up, or how we grew up. I have found a reprieve in this truth. I now allow my upbringing to be a backstory and a baseline. Having said that, I’m still processing some of the old trauma, after my mother’s passing. With both parents gone, it feels easier to look back, with perspective. With professional help of course, because, honestly, I’d be lost sorting this out on my own. My therapist says we may not resolve the issues in full, but with each session, the burden eases. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Friends who feel like home…

Some friends feel like home. Not because they fix you, but because they never ask you to be anything other than yourself. You can be quiet around them. You can be tired, messy, honest. And somehow, even in your worst moments, they still choose you. 

— Unknown 

Thank goodness I have such friends. And they feel more like family than much of my actual family. They just make life better, safer and cozier. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

The physiological impact of trauma and stress…

My trauma didn’t make me strong:

It turned me into someone who’s always paranoid, anxious, and unable to relax without feeling guilty.

— Unknown

According to both my favourite therapist and my Craniosacral therapist (light touch therapy that releases tension in the central nervous system, and allows the other systems to relax and correct), trauma and stress can actually get stuck in our bodies, causing us to be in survival mode. And this can affect our energy and hormone levels, and create inflammation and physical tension, such as shoulder pain or jaw clenching. Stress and trauma can also cause emotional reactivity even in safe environments. The good news is that it is possible to rewire these biological patterns. I have found traditional therapy and Craniosacral therapy to be very complimentary in easing angst and anxiety. In my experience, it really is possible to put some of these burdens to rest. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Emotional healing and empowerment…

Trauma

is a result of an overwhelming sense of danger, powerlessness, and fear

Healing 

is a result of feeling safe, empowered, and supported

— Unknown 

I returned to deep healing work after my mother died, and I’m quite proud of the decision really. In a nutshell, this work is about going back in time and saving your younger self. When we’re young and impressionable, we don’t have the tools and maturity to process what’s happening to us. And if we face trauma, the powerlessness and fear are exponential. I lived through a violent, sadistic, sort of work camp upbringing. Equally tormenting was the unpredictability of the situation, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I did my best to be perfect, and avoided the worst of it (vs my older brother and sister). Fast forward to adulthood and you have a perfectionist, neat-freak, anticipating kind of person. Fortunately, I got into therapy pretty early and I’ve managed to find my way. This time around, the work is more about putting a bow on the past and moving forward with greater freedom and empowerment. Just sayin’ ;) Wishing you the happiest of New Years. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Did your best with what you knew then…

Trauma says

I should have done things differently

Healing says

Hindsight offers clarity, but I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. I deserve to be gentle with myself even when I make mistakes

— Unknown 

What I continue to learn from my favourite therapist is a that lot of of us grew up short on validation and support. And unfortunately, it tends to land on us as adults to solve. I looked for foundational support in my relationships, and it was an epic failure. It wasn’t until I properly addressed my childhood trauma that I became free to love side by side with someone, and not look to them for safety, love and unconditional acceptance. I needed to do that for myself, and once I did, everything in my life improved, including career and finances. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Waiting for the next thing to go wrong?…

Psychology says when we face constant stress and uncertainty, our bodies learn to live in survival mode. We stay alert, tense and exhausted. Always waiting for the next thing to go wrong. Even in moments of calm, our minds don’t relax. It’s not because we’re overreacting, it’s because our nervous system has forgotten what safety feels like. 

— Unknown  

I’m working on this with my favourite therapist as we speak. I admitted to feeling wound just a wee too tight, for as long as I can remember. I don’t know about you, but I faced some violence growing up, sniff, sniff. And my therapists says it’s tough to root out because the stress and fear pretty much stay in your cells. Anyhow, the work is working, and I’m feeling a lot less stressed after some deep healing sessions. Which involve uncovering and facing some surprising, and unsuspecting fears. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl