Romance the smallest part of life partnership…

When you choose a life partner:

romance is the smallest part of it. You are choosing the way conflict will be handled in your home. You are choosing how money will be spent, saved, or wasted. You are choosing whether growth will be encouraged or dismissed. You are choosing how mistakes will be met, with cruelty or grace. You are choosing how anger will sound in your household and how silence will feel. You are choosing whose habits you will live with every single day. Chemistry fades. Irresponsibility, disrespect, and immaturity do not. The wrong choice will cost you years of peace you will never get back. The right choice gives you more than love. It gives you safety, stability, and a life you can finally breathe in.

— Unknown 

I sure wish I’d learned this earlier, as I certainly lost years of peace. My relationship break downs led to transformative therapy though, and I figured out how to select a better matched partnership, with respect,  maturity and safety. Fewf.  Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Not a safe person…

I can have empathy and compassion over someone’s history and still recognize they’re not a safe person.

— Unknown 

I don’t know about you, but I’ve struggled to set certain boundaries. I have “allowed” behaviours that I am actually uncomfortable with. In fact, they’re deal breakers; judgmental tendencies, needing to walk on eggshells, lack of accountability, and hypocrisy (expecting certain treatment, while not reciprocating in kind). I understand my struggle, given a very nostalgic history and legitimate connection. But at the end of the day, I’ve chosen peace and a safe environment. It was a long time coming. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The question of emotional capacity…

The more emotionally intelligent you become, the less you take things personally. You begin to realize that the way someone treats you is shaped by their relationship with themselves, their self-awareness, their emotional capacity, and their nervous system state. 

You learn that someone’s capacity to meet you has nothing to do with your value, and everything to do with their own.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist says we tend to attract and be attracted to someone who is equally capable and incapable of a healthy committed relationship and intimacy. And he says it’ll always look to us that we are the more capable one ;) In my experience, emotional capacity grows profoundly with a focus on deep healing work and learning new relationship skills. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Accepting the apology you’ll never get…

Toxic family rarely apologize. They would rather carry their denial to the grave than face the damage they’ve caused. In their minds, the pain they created was somehow your fault. 

Sometimes healing means accepting the apology you’ll never get. 

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist helped me with “complicated grieving” after my mother’s passing. My mother was unwell physically and mentally during my upbringing, which left the bulk of household responsibilities to me and my sister. And from a very young age as well. I have pictures of us standing on chairs washing dishes at 5/7’ish years old. Into our adult years my sister and I got busy with our own lives, and my brother took a turn (he also lived at home until 30 years old). Shockingly, whey my mother died, she pretty much left everything to my brother, as though our work camp-like childhood never happened. This was a crushing moment with no possible resolution. Fortunately, I learned that there are ways of dealing with such cases. So I followed my therapist’s guidance and wrote various letters to my mother. We went a step further and wrote a bio, with an eye on her vantage point. It was a most pleasant turn to find empathy for my mother and her unique challenges. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The external world and our lack of control…

The more we value things outside of our control, the less control we have.

— Epictetus (Ancient philosopher, who taught that we cannot control external events, and should therefore focus on self-discipline, acceptance and inner freedom) 

My favourite therapist would say something similar. In his forty years of individual and family counselling, he feels that healing and recovery tend to require the cultivation of internal strength, and some sense of  “higher power”. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Ten toes in the circle for true, committed love…

You need to stop giving 100% to people who give 30%.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist talks about ten toes in the circle for any committed, monogamous relationship to have a shot at lasting success. Each person must have both feet in, fully invested. And he says you can’t put in twelve toes while the other person puts in eight. Both scenarios are not an example of committed love. It’s taken me an embarrassing amount of time to understand that over-giving is not love, but a trauma response. Apparently, if you grow up feeling neglected, clamouring for attention and feedback, odds are you become a “fixer”, or a caretaker. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Listen to hear, or understand?…

I used to think communication was everything, until I realized understanding is. 

You can talk all you want, but if the other person doesn’t truly hear you, it’s just noise. 

— Unknown 

I’ve learned a lot about “clearing” from my favourite therapist. Clearing involves approaching someone you have tension with and attempting to clear the air. Within the context of the weekend therapy seminars I’ve taken, we’re instructed to own our own reactions and responses to other people. The intention is to understand ourselves and our reactions better, and potentially identify and resolve root causes. As per my therapist, our triggers are typically a result of our own issues, and probably less to do with the person who has annoyed/hurt/angered us in the present moment. I have found clearing to be a process, requiring a humble vulnerability and a willingness to be known. For me, understanding has been a wonderful outcome. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The nervous system remembers…

You may not remember, but your nervous system does. 

That’s why when you’re triggered without knowing why, you’re anxious for “no reason”, you have chronic symptoms but doctors say you’re fine, you feel overwhelmed when “nothing is wrong” and you’re dissociated but don’t even know it. 

— Unknown 

I was at least somewhat aware of the effects of my traumatic childhood, but I had no idea the depth and complexity of the issues. I’ve worked with a therapist for many years now, and we continue to find root causes of the triggers and hurt feelings of today. For example, if I feel I haven’t been recognized for something important, or if I haven’t been factored into an important decision, I can slide right back to some very foundational and sad feelings of neglect. In my experience, it has been extremely freeing to disentangle my old wounds from today’s relationships. Fewf! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Mind’s struggle with uncertainty…

My therapist told me:

Anxiety isn’t just fear, it’s the mind’s struggle with uncertainty. When you can’t tolerate the unknown, you try to control it through overthinking, over planning and overdoing. But that only convinces your brain you’re unsafe. Healing begins when you train your nervous system to feel safe in the unknown. I don’t know what will happen, but I trust I’ll be okay.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist, in his forty years of private practice, has observed that healing, particularly from trauma, tends to require a belief in something larger than oneself. Whether one believes in God or not, he advises cultivating a relationship with a “higher power”, or a sense of “God” or “Spirit”. And this, he says, provides a reprieve, and comfort, from the stressors, and lack of control, in the our mortal world. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Sucking the life out of you…

You can’t keep getting mad at people for sucking the life out of you if you keep giving them the straw.

— Unknown

I finally learned about my deal breakers in love. But it’s taken me forever to say no thank you to certain behaviours in certain friendships. I allowed some degree of rudeness, prickliness, negativity and judgemental tendencies, mainly due to legacy and nostalgia. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Duty and obligation revisited…

My mentor told me, “Showing your emotions to the wrong people is like bleeding next to a shark.” 

And I felt that.

— Unknown 

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had to draw new boundaries in my relationships. My favourite therapist helped me understand what I need and how to better take care of myself. For example, my therapist calls into question duty and obligation. He proposes that we should only proceed with certain plans and commitments if, and only if, we choose to, and if we have the energy… even when it comes to family. It had never occurred to me that “obligations” could potentially be optional? Clearly, I hadn’t been making my well being enough of a priority. And ignoring one’s needs can actually lead to depression, and even ill health. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

A softer life exists…

No one tells you now hard it is to rewire your brain to allow amazing things to happen after experiencing so much trauma and pain. Blessings exist, good people exist, and a softer life exists. Let it happen.

— Unknown 

I hadn’t really considered this particular after effect of trauma. But no question, I’ve absolutely braced myself for the other shoe to drop throughout my life, after an unpredictable and unsafe upbringing. So, I’m going to let this lovely and calming idea of a softer life sink in today… Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Learn to calm your own storm…

My therapist told me:

“Learn to calm your own storm instead of venting to other people. It sounds therapeutic to let it all out, but you’re reinforcing your negative thoughts. It’s no one’s job but yours to pull you out of your own shit. Journal, meditate, exercise and release.” 

And then it all made sense.

— Unknown 

For me, therapy, energy work and life coaching have been invaluable. Journaling, meditating and exercise are a wonderful supplement, but some things are just beyond me to go it alone. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Carrying words you cannot say…

Carl Jung said, “Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.” Loneliness is rarely about empty rooms. It is about carrying words you cannot say and truths you do not feel safe to share. Healing is learning to speak what matters most so you are no longer alone with it. This is the work of letting yourself be seen and known for who you really are. 

— Unknown 

Wow, this is such an incredible teaching. I’ve been working on “having my own back” more, as per my favourite therapist. And I am still learning how to be vulnerable and speak to my needs. I find that when I share deep truths, lovingly and respectfully, a warmer togetherness is the result. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Love by fixing or over-giving?…

My therapist told me:

“When a person grows up feeling unseen, they learn to love by over-giving. The pour everything into everyone else, hoping that, one day, someone will finally pour back into them. So they become the care taker. The fixer, the one who shows up, even when no one shows up for them.” And the hardest part? Deep down, they’re not trying to be strong. They’re just waiting for someone to do for them what they’ve spent their whole life doing for everyone else.” 

— Unknown 

That was so me. Fortunately, layer by later, and thanks to my favourite therapist, I’ve soothed and healed enough old wounds to know how to take care of myself, and leave others to their end in things. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Things that drain our energy…

Journaling prompts:

• What do I need more of in my life?
• What do I want to be for myself?
• If I was living my dream life, what would it look like?
• How have I been feeling recently?
• What am I most excited for?
• What has been giving me energy?
• What has been draining my energy?

— @betteryouforyou

A very savvy coach advised me to consider such questions and to set intentions around them. For example, how do I want to feel in my primary relationship, what sort of corporate culture would suit me best, what sort of manager would I prefer to deal with, what do I want to keep doing in my life and what activities do I never want to do again. Taking stock in this way led to the perfect love of my life, going on 11 years now, and my ideal job, going on 13 years. Just sayin’ ;)  Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl