John Gottman, referred to as the Einstein of love, offers compelling theories about why we succeed or fail as couples. In Principia Amoris, Gottman codifies and represents mathematically the dynamics at play and the consequences of specific interactions.
John Gottman says "Love is an energy system, and when partners interact, they create a force field, each having the power to affect what the other does. Even the best of partners miss little attempts at connection all the time - a minimum of 75% of the time... among those who divorced, partners had responded to only 33 % of their spouse's bids, while those who stayed married were turning toward their partner's bids 86% of the time - building up a reservoir of positive emotions that disposed them kindly to each other in times of conflict... sensors revealed that the happiest couples were internally calm and relaxed around each other, while the unhappiest, no matter how impassive they appeared, were physiologically aroused and poised for battle. Everywhere on the planet, Gottman has found, people automatically evaluate every human transaction on a scale of positive to negative. To repair the damage of missing each other's bids to connect, individuals must accommodate their partner's needs as well as their own. That is the measure of trust - the degree to which you believe your partner has your interests in mind and can listen to you non defensively, even if you can't stand each other in the moment. It is the single most important factor that takes a marriage beyond the fabled seven-year breakup point.
Rule of thumb? If we're compelled to listen to and factor in our partner's needs and wants as much as we care for ourselves, things should be looking good :)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
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