At 70 years old, if I could give my younger self one piece of advice it would be to use the words “fuck off” much more frequently.
— Helen Mirren
Lol. I can relate, particularly at Xmas time when compromise, endurance, and potentially a lot of alcohol and/or sugar, are required ;) Hugs and good luck. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor. It will keep you cramped and insane.
In Navajo culture, rug weavers intentionally create small imperfections in their work, like odd-coloured beads or stray pieces of yarn. This rebellion against unattainable exactitude makes the art more soulful. Relieved of the unrealistic mandate to be flawless, the rug can relax into its beauty.
— excerpt from Rob Brezny, Dec 29th 2022, FreeWill
How beautiful. I’m gonna take the Navajo culture tip to heart because I most definitely suffer a bit of the OCD, perfection thing (anyone who knows me well would agree I’m sure, Lol). Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Your hope waters the roots of the flowers that have yet to bloom.
— Unknown
I think I love Disney movies becuase they are chockablock full of hope and inspiration. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and best of luck for 2023. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
When you least expect it
something amazing will come along.
Something even better than you imagined.
— Unknown
Happy Holiday season. Wishing you the life of your dreams for 2023. Hugs, XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Discussions are always better than arguments because an argument is to find out who is right,
and a discussion is to find out what is right.
— Unknown
I learned about “clearing” from my favourite therapist. He teaches communication skills in his weekend workshops, as the foundation and necessity for a healthy relationship. There’s an exercise where each participant has to approach and invite a conversation with any and all individuals where there is a feeling of discomfort. I was a big chicken in my first workshop and just sat there, trying to be invisible (a strategy I used growing up, Lol, which did not translate well into my later life). Interestingly enough, each person I felt uncomfortable with (there were two or three) actually approached me to clear the air. There were some snap judgements, but as the workshop moves on you begin to understand one another better and you tend to see people differently. It was all very cool and super helpful to my future relationships. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
It might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.
— Unknown
Lol ;) I must admit, I’m feeling pretty introverted and inward focused at the moment. The death of a parent will do that to a person. Meanwhile, I thought I’d share a little comic relief. Made me giggle. Hugs and best of the season to you. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
I think my biggest take away from therapy (because I’m a sensitive creature who went to the school of hard knocks in my family of origin, which sort of set me up for a big life learning curve) is the importance of having one’s own back. Okay, well, actually there are two big nuggets. The second one is leaning into your feelings. Like really validating your experience and giving yourself permission to be upset, angry and hurt. Of course, at some point we’re supposed to sort it all out (which typically requires professional assistance), find forgiveness and move onward an upward in a healthy and happy way. We shan’t wallow and become bitter angry person, ok? But we shall have our own back, sooth and nurture ourselves back to health. And then find a sense of empowerment and live an eff’ing fantastic life. Am I right? Just sayin’ ‘;) Hugs and best of the season to you. I know Xmas can be really hard. Hang in there. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
My favourite therapist taught me perhaps the most valuable lesson of my life. My (now ex) husband and I were working with the therapist to save our marriage, but he began with a disclaimer. He said “half of the couples who come to me will make it and half won’t, and frankly there’s nothing sadder than being in a marriage that isn’t working anyway. Because there’s no hope of things changing. At least when you’re single, every day is a new day to potentially meet someone.” He went on to explain that therapy tends to allow each individual to come into their own, and this either brings two people together, or reveals the partnership as an ill-fitting match. Alas, we parted ways as friends, thanks to this terrific coach, and we both ended up meeting much better life partners. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
A survey by the American Psychological Association found that 38% of respondents stated that the holidays make them more stressed out. Participants ranked their top stressors as being short on time or money, commercialism, the pressure of gift giving, and family gatherings.
Well that makes me feel a lot better, Lol. I do get extra time off at Christmas, which I am hugely grateful for, but the time seems to get chewed up with Xmas shopping, visiting and preparing food for gatherings. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and best of the season to you. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
I’ve read that 8% of North Americans are completely estranged from their parents, and 50% have troubled relationships. This is quite comforting to know, given my own twingey background. I’ve been dealing with the death of my mother since August, which piles on to my father’s death 24 years ago, and the painful past as a whole. Grieving the death of an abusive parent is said to be even harder, given the complexity of the relationship. Healthy and expected responses are:
* Relief, followed by emptiness and resentment, potentially for many years, as one works through the grief
* Anger - partly because you’re still stuck with all the hurt feelings, even though they’re gone
* Confusion - being deprived of a loving upbringing or relationship with your parent can create confusion when they die because there’s no longer any opportunity for reconciliation.
* Emotional overwhelm - tangled web of emotions that are hard to define and articulate
How to cope: seek therapy, explore how you want the rest of your life to proceed without this person, find new meaning, find forgiveness as a way of healing from the past trauma, seek spiritual development as it helps increase hope and self-acceptance
— excerpt from How to Handle an Abusive or Toxic Parent’s Death, by Dr Alejandra Vasquez, JD, CT, Certified Grief Counsellor
I’m a glass-half-full kinda girl, so I’ll definitely take this advice to heart. AND fortunately, I love therapy and I have a spiritual practice that lifts me up, so I expect to turn this grief into something beautiful. It might take some time though. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck! XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Grocery shopping may be surprisingly important when it comes to brain health.
Why is that? The food we buy in the grocery store becomes the physical building blocks of our brains. It turns into neurostransmitters that influence mood and thoughts. It affects our gut-brain connection, inflammation, and so many more pathways that relate directly to our brain health.
* Certain foods and nutrients have an outsized benefit for our brains
* Avoiding processed foods and prioritizing whole foods is an excellent strategy
* Reading food and beverage labels allows you to avoid hidden sugar that may damage brain health
Unfortunately, most of the products in grocery stores are doing the health of our brains no favours, and may, in fact, contribute to a higher risk of brain diseases like depression and Alzheimer’s.
— excerpt from How to Grocery Shop for Better Brain Health, Psychology Today, Nov 18 2022
I was aware of nutrition on overall health (including mental health), but I hadn’t really thought about the potential link with brain diseases such as Alzheimers. Yikes. Time to add more fruits and vegetables to the old diet! Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
There’s a lot of chatter about the fatigue many of us (all of us?) are feeling around the issues of our time; pandemic (are we post now?), climate change, escalating cost of living, work-from-home/return-to-office pressures, lack of space if WFH, the ongoing war, losing loved ones to cancer (which seems more prevalent than ever). Apparently change does actually cause significant physical and emotional stress, if you look at the scientific evidence. Making decisions is extremely hard on our nerves as well. So this constant flux is making for a lot of discontent! Hang in there everyone. Being a glass half-full girl, I just believe things will calm down and get better again. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
There’s nothing like a time out to recharge the batteries and gain a little perspective…
I’m on a warm and sunny beach get away right now and life looks a little more manageable. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and Good luck! XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Love didn’t hurt you.
Someone who doesn’t (didn’t) know how to love you hurt you.
(Don’t confuse the two)
— Unknown
My favourite therapist says that we’ll typically have relationship issues if we have parental issues. I’ve certainly found this to be the case. Once I resolved my father issue (As best I could. Still working on it to some extent), I was able to attract my perfect mate. I also had to learn new relationship skills. For example, I learned how to make requests (instead of suffering in silence and/or sulking or complaining). I also learned how to choose a better match (for example, I’m not out-doorsy and so I chose a partner who is also opposed to camping and hiking). Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
“Emotional people may prefer cats over dogs to relieve stress: “The warmth of a cat’s body, the vibration of a purr, the texture of the cat’s hair, are all sensory inputs for us that can assist us with staying in the present moment when we are distressed.”
— medicalnewstoday.com
I guess that explains why I’m a regular at the Catfe (great little coffee shop with kitties that you can visit with and/or adopt). I travel a bit too much for work, so I can’t have one of my own unfortunately. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Tips to stop anger and injustice from hurting you
Improve your health and well-being by releasing feelings of injustice.
You know that life is not fair. But sometimes circumstances feel so unfair that it’s difficult to let go. You may have persistent feelings of injustice and good reasons to support it. For instance, you may be challenged with a personal betrayal, a traumatic childhood, or a physical assault…
Persistent anger and feelings of injustice come with a steep price: They rob you of happiness in the moment and have negative impacts on your health.
Here’s what you can do:
1. Have compassion for yourself. Recognize that you are doing your best with a difficult situation. The more you focus on compassion, the less room there is for anger.
2. Decide it’s not worth it. Remind yourself that gaining control over your current experience is the best way to rise above any negative people and circumstances from the past. Doing so puts you in the driver’s seat, and the past in the backseat.
3. Anger and feelings of injustice beget physical pain. Anger is associated with increased tension and inflammation in the body, which can worsen pain and overall health. Feelings of anger and injustice can keep you focused on what’s wrong and who is to blame. Remind yourself that focusing on it gives it more energy.
4. Choose to be empowered by separating the facts from your emotions. Don’t let your anger contaminate your ability to enjoy life. Work at releasing the anger.
5. Seek treatment modalities that melt anger and feelings of injustice.
6. The Relaxation Response is an antidote for anger. Reducing the inner tension can neutralize the emotions.
7. Use positive imagery, such as thoughts of being in nature or with a loved one, to break through the pattern and neutralize the emotions.
8. Have patience and compassion with yourself. This could all take time.
9. Don’t stay stuck. Focus on relaxation in your mind and body. Working with a professional can help.
— Beth Darnall, PhD (Paraphrased from 9 Tips to Stop Anger and Injustice from Hurting You, Psychology Today, Dec 16 2014)
Personally, I didn’t have a great childhood. Too much tough love, not enough warmth, affection and support. Fortunately, I developed an early interest in psychology. I’ve always been curious about why we do what we do and how we interact with one another in society. I continue to educate myself, which is profoundly helpful in quelling some of my feelings of injustice. My favourite therapist says some things are just our legacy and we need to allow for that. You can’t change where you come from, but you can certainly create a better future, if you so choose. Just sayin’ :)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Ways to forgive the unkindest cuts.
The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own.
Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like.
Key Points
Writing in PLOS Computational Biology, the authors describe “why we are prone to becoming trapped in a cycle of never-ending wants and desires” and suggest “constantly arising aspirations” help in “achieving better performance, but also result in ever-increasing dissatisfaction.”
As one life coach put it, “We need to expect less of ourselves.”
Setting—and achieving—smaller goals can cause the brain to release dopamine, a neurotransmitter that makes a person feel good—even happy, and boost one’s self-esteem. Higher self-esteem enhances overall mental health.
— Excerpt, paraphrased from Psychology Today article posted Oct 10 2022, by Alex Dimitriu, M.D.
I don’t know about you, but I felt relieved and more relaxed just reading this! Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
What is the difference between I love you & I like you
Beautifully answered by Buddha:
One who understands this, understands life.
— The Minds Journal
My favourite therapist believes in the importance of “clearing”. This means inviting one another to share feelings/concerns/needs/requests, and then decide on mutually beneficial outcomes. This means forgetting the he-said, she-said and working as a team. I’m so grateful to have learned this. Just the other day, my partner was a little snippier than normal and, fortunately I thought to ask if something was weighing on him. And in fact it was. He was stressed about work and some other things. We chatted back and forth, we both felt immediately better and then we snuggled up. Yay! Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Life is all about choices.
You can choose to play a victim or be a problem-solver.
— success.tym
What I learned in therapy, is that it’s not so simple. To paraphrase my favourite therapist, most of us tend to have programs running silently in the background (unconsciously), that at least somewhat sabotage our most important relationships. He says, not only are we in the dark on some of these pesky “issues”, but there’s also a forest for the trees aspect with old baggage. In a nutshell, the most problematic stuff typically requires the help of a professional. It certainly did for me. And I’m still working on it, years later. As my favourite therapist also says, some things are just our legacy. We cannot change who our parents are, where we were born, or the conditions of our upbringing. But we can strive to ease the burdens, allow some space around the old wounds and lessen some of the reactionary behaviour. Just sayin’ :) Hugs, and good luck. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
That’s what souls do. Ego’s don’t, but souls do.
Become a soul, look around, and you’ll be amazed — all the beings around you are souls.
Be one, see one.
— Ram Dass (American spiritual teacher, guru of modern yoga, psychologist, and author. His 1071 best-selling book Be Here Now, which has been described by multiple reviewers as “seminal”, helped popularize Eastern Spirituality and yoga in the west. Ram Dass travelled extensively, giving talks and retreats and holding fundraisers for charitable causes in the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s).
My favourite therapist talks about keeping the Ego in check. He says our Ego plays a critical role in protecting us, and keeping us safe (particularly while we were growing up). But Ego can be quite militant, and even damaging, if left to rule our actions and decision making. My coach advises working with our entire “Inner Family”; Inner Child (the more tender, vulnerable, heart-felt part of us), Spirit (the empathetic, spiritual, more tolerant and understanding part of us), and adult (the responsible part of us that holds it all together and shows up a work). Working with the Inner Family involves writing from each specific perspective. It’s quite an enlightening exercise and very calming, in my experience. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Reason # 1 You Attracted a Narcissist (or bad/unhealthy relationship):
You have unresolved wounds from childhood. You were either abused in your childhood or felt unloved.
You felt you always had to prove your worth. You might have actually been, or just felt, neglected.
Something made you feel unwanted.
— Unknown
My favourite therapist says learn to “have your own back, all the way” and watch your relationship(s) improve dramatically. This means, essentially, taking care of one’s own needs, sometimes ahead of duty/obligation/compromises. For me, this meant being more selective in choosing a mate. They say “don’t be so picky”, but in my experience, I needed to be more discerning. I was willing to be brutally honest with myself about who I am, what I enjoy doing/not doing, the kind of life I envision living, what I want to do more of/less of/never again etc. From there, I was quite clear about the sort of match I needed. I wish I could go back and tell my 20/30 year old self this stuff. Above all, I would say “attraction is a great starting point, but looks and chemistry do not a relationship make, Lol.” Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Go 24 hours without complaining. (Not even once).
Then watch how your life starts changing.
— Unknown
A lot of wise (and successful) people recommend a gratitude mindset. Avoiding the temptation to complain would be a first step, I guess and it’s probably worth a shot. I figure I’ve been complaining a bit too much lately, with the state of the world; alarming cost of living, extreme weather events/climate change, looming recession, the Ukraine/Russia conflict, not to mention the stressors of everyday life. But I’m going to commit to writing out my blessings; amazing life partner, a job I really enjoy and feel proud of, joyful hobbies and more. (They say writing it out helps). Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
I hope everybody could get rich and famous and will have everything they ever dreamed of, so they will know that it’s not the answer.
— Jim Carrey
I’m telling my ego right now, because there’s definitely a part of me that would love unlimited funds, and the freedoms that money can clearly provide. To not have to answer to managers. To not have to book a flight at the unpleasant hour of 6 am to get the best price. Having said all that, I also know that my biggest Achilles Heel is related to family and my emotional world. I continue to work with professionals because, for me, it has been the answer to easing my burdens. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
When it hurts - observe.
Life is trying to teach you something.
— Anita Krizzan
My favourite therapist says that our “negative” emotions can act as a sort of directional compass, if we’re willing to acknowledge and address them. They can tell us when our boundaries have been crossed. They inform us that we may need to make changes. They can nudge us to sort out some troubling stuff from the past and clear the way for better quality relationships and a more fulfilling life. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Apologize to yourself.
Take a moment today to apologize to yourself for how you treated yourself in the past. Apologize for not realizing that you were worthy of more, for not treating yourself with respect, for not accepting help, for being too hard on yourself, for not believing in yourself, for not speaking up, and for settling for less than you deserved. When you apologize to yourself and you find forgiveness, you will begin to release any remnants of shame associated with your previous unconscious actions, freeing you to start doing better and getting better.
— S G Ruddy
I would add: forgive yourself for not knowing a different/better way. For me, I didn’t know how “perfect” a relationship could possibly be. My earlier relationships were far more peaceful, loving and respectful than my parents’ dynamic. So I thought I had chosen well. When my second marriage failed, I went back to the drawing board. Aside from therapy and life coaching, I conducted my own little experiment. I interviewed couples who seemed to have a fantastic, successful relationship. I asked them to rate their relationships out of ten. The couples I admired gave their partnership 8.5 or more out of 10. I also spoke to couples who seemed to struggle and they gave their unions 7/10 or below. I took this learning and set my heights on a better overall match. It worked. With a lot more in common and an easier relationship dynamic, I’ve found a sweet, loving life partnership that doesn’t crumble under life’s challenges. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
If you are not willing to learn, no one can help you.
If you are determined to learn, no one can stop you.
— Unknown
I originally ended up in therapy to save my marriage. The therapist began with a disclaimer. He explained that although people see him to “fix” their relationships, the success rate was only 50%. He said therapy would either deepen the bond or allow us to peacefully separate. Alas, we parted with love and respect, having acquired brand new, healthy communication/relationship skills. My big take away was that it’s never too late to learn new skills. We don’t necessarily learn emotional/relationship skills from our family of origin and they’re not teaching such skills in school either, unless you pursue them. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
The world is not the most pleasant place. Eventually, your parents leave you and nobody is going to go out of their way to protect you unconditionally. You need to learn to stand up for yourself and what you believe and sometimes, pardon my language, kick some ass.
— Queen Elizabeth 2
My favourite therapist says the same. He says we need to learn how to have our own backs, all the way. Meaning, we have to take care of ourselves first and foremost, so that we’re healthy physically, mentally and emotionally. Meaning, sometimes duty and obligation have to take a backseat for our personal well being. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
I wash away any energy that is not mine to carry. I release myself from the burdens of the past. I nourish myself in a comforting golden light.
I am restored.
I am recharged.
— Unknown
I began working with a “Body Talk” practitioner a bunch of years ago. I originally began seeing this person because I ran out of options within the traditional and naturopathic health care systems, includingTraditional Chinese Medicine (herbs and/or acupuncture). I’ve had stomach aches and digestive issues my entire life and I was just sick of it. So I asked around and a very non-traditional coach recommended Body Talk. I figured I had nothing to lose. On the first session the practitioner told me that I essentially suffered from anxious tummy and she could help. It was all a leap of faith, because it’s not exactly clear to me how it works. I now regularly see a Body Talk/Craniosacaral practitioner and, honestly, this is the only thing that’s helped my system work properly. Of course I exercise and eat a pretty clean diet (minimal dairy, sugar, wheat) and drink a fairly healthy/social amount. But nothing seems to work as well as a regular energy shape-up, if you will. Coming back to the how does it work question? Well, apparently this sort of practice helps restore our natural energy balance (people can leave us with some of their potential toxic energy and rob us of some of our healthy energy/life force, and this lands badly on our bodies and overall physical and mental health. There’s also old stuff that can linger and wreak havoc with our state of mind and health as well). Anyhoo, this new solution has been a God send for me! Just sayin’ : ) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Hope is what gets us going each and every day. Hope is defining for the human condition.
— British Columbia Premier John Horgan
I don’t know about you, but hope is something I fiercely cling to. Hope gets me out of bed in the morning and keeps me going through the hard times. I just believe, in my heart, that a better day is ahead. I also believe the best is yet to come. But I’m also a glass half-full kinda girl, so clearly that’s my strategy for coping with life, Lol. (Not getting ones hopes up, to avoid crushing let downs, is another equally common coping strategy. This is my hubby’s preference). Just sayin ;) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
An amazing thing happens when you get honest with yourself and start doing what you love, what makes you happy. You stop wishing for the weekend. You stop merely looking forward to special events. You begin to live in each moment and you start feeling like a human being. You just ride the wave that is life, with this feeling of contentment and joy. You move fluidly, steadily, calm and grateful. A veil is lifted, and a whole new perspective is born.
— Unknown
Full disclosure: I still wish for the weekend, I still count the days to my beach vacations, and I wouldn’t say I’m moving fluidly, calm and grateful at all times. However, I did reach a huge turning point when I became extremely honest with myself. I had hit the wall. I found I had nothing left for the following; doing things I don’t like doing for a romantic partner or friend, dealing with bully bosses/corporate culture, spending time with people I find draining, doing things simply out of duty and obligation at the expense of recharging my batteries. I decided to put my needs first and the results have been spectacular. I ended up meeting my perfect partner (even when it’s not perfect), I landed my favourite job/boss (even when there are challenges), and I enjoy life more than I ever have (allowing for some inevitably trying days). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
The truth is, none of us are easy to date, deal with, or please all the time. We have our vices, attitudes and way of doing things that make us unique. You won’t like everything about somebody, it’s impossible. This is life, and it isn’t about finding the perfect person, there’s no such thing. It isn’t about living some happily ever after fairy tale. It’s about finding someone you’re willing to work for, and who is willing to work for you. It’s simple, but yet so hard to achieve.
— Unknown
In my experience, there are challenging relationship dynamics and there are easier dynamics. There are also more difficult matches and there are more natural lifestyle match ups. My failed relationships were defined by irreconcilable differences; didn’t have enough in common (which led to going our separate ways on some weekends/week nights and then more weekends and week nights), an inability to achieve understanding and respect for one another’s needs/wants (incompatible communication styles and priorities?) and overall, simply not enough synergy to work well together. It’s one thing to go on fun dates or a weekend get away, but it’s a whole different ball game being married and living together full time. A big lesson learned for me. So if one were to ask me how I achieved relationship bliss (or close to it anyway), I’d say shoot for a VERY compatible match (similar lifestyle/hobbies, values and really, really like each other). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck! XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
“Negative thinking” was never the problem, and “positive thinking” was never the solution.
DISTORTED thinking - - thoughts & beliefs about ourselves that have been mangled by what we went through or what we were told - - is what we have to chip away at to feel & function better.
— Dr Glenn Patrick Doyle (Psychologist in Illinois and the District of Columbia, and director of The Doyle Practice. Doyle equates emotional trauma with a dam being overwhelmed by flood water. “Our nervous systems fail when flooded by trauma… Floods happen. Trauma responses happen. No blame. No shame. We redesign and rebuild — as many times as we need to.”)
I found something particularly interesting in the individual and relationship weekend workshops (intensive group therapy sessions really) I participated in. My favourite therapist always managed to evoke big responses in all of us. He has his ways. For example, one of the exercises was to list the names we were called when we were growing up; your actual name, the name they called you when we were in trouble and any pet names. Just that alone would unearth experiences, good and bad and set the tone. From there, he would help us “chip away” at the old stuff, in an effort to reduce reactionary, and potentially relationship damaging habits. It worked for me in a big way. I bought in to soothing old wounds and acquiring new skills and my life has radically improved across the board. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Everyone doesn’t need access to you.
Some people are draining and they don’t even know it. You’re allowed to say no, you’re allowed to not answer calls, you’re allowed to break plans, and if you need to save yourself do it.
— Sylvester McNutt the third (Author, Speaker, Podcast Host and certified yoga instructor who says the best decision he ever made was to commit to a lifetime of healing, presence and joy. McNutt says there was pain and addiction in his family system that he had to overcome, which led him to become the adult that he needed as a kid)
Boy can I relate. There was ongoing anger/violence (right up to my 19th birthday, for coming home late), unhappiness and a lot of fear in my family system that I’ve had to overcome. I too have made a lifelong commitment to a healing path. I’ve created a “framily” of my own (those uber safe, unconditionally loving friends who feel more like family than the family of origin). I also have a very rich and rewarding group of colleagues and acquaintances who feel safe and comfy. This sense of belonging has made up for some of the old wounds, but I still want/need/benefit from regular, professional coaching. It helps my “Inner Child” feel safe and well taken care of and provides a layer of stability, health and fulfillment to my life. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Remember this: There is nothing wrong with you. You have patterns to unlearn, new behaviours to embody and wounds to heal. But there is nothing wrong with the core of you and who you are. You are unlearning generations of harm and remembering love. It takes time.
— Unknown
I don’t know about you, but my brother, sister and I were very much compared to one another. When report cards arrived, we mainly heard about our room for improvement and not what we did well. My sister and I were also informed about which one of us was better looking, according to the aunts and uncles. And people were particularly hard on my brother who suffered weight gain and hair loss at a young age. We continue to be graded throughout school and work, and so it never really ends does it. No wonder we have an “internalized parent” criticizing us. And so it seems up to us to right the ship, so to speak. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Most people don’t want to hear this,
But real relationships that last involve a lot of forgiveness. You have to accept the fact that your partner isn’t perfect & will hurt you, disappoint you, & upset you. You have to figure out if you’re willing to go through ups & downs with them.
— Unknown
My favourite therapist talks about “clearing” and how healthy relationships, whether romantic, friendship, family, co-worker, require open and honest communication. Ideally, we own what we’re feeling, needing, wanting and make requests when needed (vs complaining, sulking, yelling, going silent, Lol). Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
You do not get to choose the events that come your way nor the sorrows that interrupt your life. They will likely be a surprise to you, catching you off guard and unprepared. You may hold your head in your hands and lament your weak condition and wonder what you ought to do. To suffer, that is common to all. To suffer and still keep your composure, your faith, and your smile, that is remarkable. Pain will change you more profoundly than success or good fortune. Suffering shapes your perception of life, your values and priorities, and your goals and dreams. Your pain is changing you.
— David Crosby (Crosby has been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame twice: once for his work in the Byrds and again for his work with Crosby Stills Nash. Five albums to which he contributed are included in Rolling Stone’s The 500 Greatest Albums of All Time)
I read a great book called The Art of Happiness, written by the 14th Dalia Lama and Howard Cutler, a psychiatrist who posed questions to the Dalai Lama. I found comfort in a lot of the Dalai Lama’s answers to some of the tough questions about the human condition. For example, and I’m paraphrasing from what I remember (I read the book a number of years ago now), the Dalai Lama explains that our suffering may actually allow us to develop a deeper sense empathy. If we’ve been through something similar to our fellow human, our shared suffering will likely bring us closer together. I love that. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
As traumatized children
we always dreamed that someone would come and save us.
We never dreamed that it would, in fact, be ourselves, as adults.
— Alice Little (Author of self-help books based on her own background and research of narcissistic abuse, child abuse, neglect and scapegoating. Little is a survivor of extreme child abuse and narcissistic abuse both as a child and as an adult. In order to escape the abusive people in her life she took the decision to leave the life she had created and everything and everyone she knew to start again and heal herself. In doing so she lost everything including her family of origin, friends, spiritual group, career, home and wealth. She now leads a peaceful life, writing most days. Titles by Alice; No Contact-The Final Boundary: Surviving Parental Narcissistic Abuse, Healing the Traumatized Adult, Healing from Depression: A Memoir of Childhood Narcissistic Abuse).
Research tells us abusive behaviour crosses all racial, economic and cultural lines, and that not all abusive parents intentionally harm their children. Many have been victims themselves and/or don’t know any other way to parent. Others may be struggling with addiction issues and/or mental health issues. That said, many of us are left with scars from childhood. My favourite therapist says that, although the work of healing is not for the faint of heart, we stand to gain much improved relationships and a better life overall, if we’re willing to dig in and tend to some of some of the old wounds. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
I truly believe that every single person has to go through something that absolutely destroys them so they can figure out who they really are.
— Unknown
They say the death of a parent, divorce, job loss all tend to have this effect on people. Well, I’ve gone through all of these now, so I should be very close to figuring out just who I am, Lol. Actually, I began intensive therapy about 25 years ago, and the healing journey has allowed me to gradually uncover and clarify my needs/wants/values/priorities. This, in turn, led me to a beautifully suited life partner and a fulfilling and prosperous career path. I am deeply grateful. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
1. Identify the fear: write down the fears, decipher the source(s) of the fear, speak out loud to them and acknowledge them. Ask yourself if the story is even true, or if it may stem from past beliefs imposed on you by others.
2. Write out the worst case scenario and best case scenario: consider focusing on all the ways the plan could actually work out. You just may discover that the best case scenarios outweigh the worst, which should help ease the mind.
3. Let go of trying to control the uncomfortable: place focus on the areas that are controllable. All we can control is the process and behaviours that put us in the best position to reach our desired results.
4. Carve out space to quiet and train the mind: exercise is ideal, given the endorphin release, cognitive benefits and improved creativity and decision making, which all lead to a more rational perspective. Meditation is another option.
— paraphrased from Julian Hayes article, “If You’re Overloaded With FearFul Thoughts, These 4 Tips Will Help You Conquer Them”, Inc.com
I know I have work to do in this area, and personally, I’m a big fan of seeking professional help. My favourite therapist tends to focus equally on what’s going on in mind and what one feels in the body. He’ll ask “What is your body telling you?” I work with an “energy” healer (Craniosacral/Body Talk) as well and she too says the body reveals much about our stress level. The body tends to tighten and constrict in certain areas. I’m not sure exactly how it works, but the outcome of these sessions is typically more space and ease around the issue at hand, a more rational outlook, and an ability to comfortably choose a course of action. Just sayin’ :) Hugs, XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Your mind will always believe everything you tell it.
Feed it hope.
Feed it truth.
Feed it with love.
— Unknown
I know, right? There are some great strategies for dealing with anxiety causing/enhancing thoughts. In short, my favourite therapist says that when we’re consumed by fear and worry, we’re operating too much in our minds. So how do we quiet the internal dialogue?…. More to follow tomorrow. :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation, or accept it. All else is madness.
— Eckhart Tolle
I was exposed to the “victim mentality” from a savvy life coach some years ago. And still, I struggled to leave a relationship that was, sadly, winding down. We were going in different directions and the match was less than ideal. But I wasn’t sure if I should work on the relationship (“change the situation”), before giving up on it. This was the healthiest and nicest relationship I’d been in, so although it wasn’t perfect, I worried that I’d end up in something different, but not better. Unfortunately, my partner found his perfect mate in the middle of our troubled time and we ended up having a very yucky ending. Around the same time, I dragged my heels on leaving a bad job, and that one bit me in the butt too. I did learn how to be more proactive though, Lol. I left a subsequent stifling corporate culture and landed my dream job. I was crystal clear on what I wanted; specific pay range, certain type of boss, aligned company values. I got exactly what I wanted and then some. I was also able to figure out the particular qualities/lifestyle/values I needed for my ideal match and landed the perfect partner as well. So there you go. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
No matter how long it took you to finish a degree. It’s a degree.
If it took you 10 failed relationships to find love. You found it.
A house bought at the age of 65 is still an accomplishment.
Don’t let people bully you with their timeline of success.
— Unknown
Good to hear, because I took a 1.5 year gap in the middle of my degree, it took me two divorces to find the love of my life, I have no kids and I still haven’t bought my first house. So I definitely haven’t met the typical “timeline of success.” But life gets better by the day and the future looks bright (despite the cost of living, climate change and lingering Covid issues, Lol). Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
We live in a society from the day that we’re born that tells us we’re not enough: we’re not good enough, we’re not attractive enough, we’re not tall enough, we’re not skinny enough, we’re not this enough, we’re not that enough, not smart enough. For teenage girls, they see magazines constantly and billboards - and not just girls, boys as well - and so instead of living in a society that feeds us positivity and feeds us worthiness, it feeds us destruction and it feeds us insecurity…
—Shailene Woodley (Award winning American Actress, who began modelling at age 4)
According to my favourite therapist, worthiness destruction often begins in the home. My brother and I were recently comparing notes on the things our parents used to say to us. My brother was made to feel less than because he didn’t complete his 4 year college degree and I was told that I wasn’t as smart as my brother. To which I responded, “yeah, he has that IQ/near photographic memory thing, but I have more of the EQ skills (emotional intelligence)”. It’s just interesting to me that despite our individual successes, we were compared to each other, and our perceived “weaknesses” were highlighted, rather than our strengths. Judgments and comparisons continue on at school, at work, and in our social circles through gossip and back chatter. So on some level, I supposed were left to build our own confidence and self-esteem. My therapist would go a step further, I think, and say that we need to build our self-acceptance and self love, full stop. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Do you ever just smell an old perfume,
or hear an old song,
or pass an old hangout spot and kinda break inside for a couple minutes.
— Unknown
I find the involuntary nature of those moments quite fascinating. They sort of force us to process the past, don’t they. I’ve been going through a more pronounced experience, with my mother’s passing. I’ve been transfixed in time, sorting through her old possessions and photo’s. It’s been good. And bad. But as my favourite therapist says, any moment spent processing our emotions is time well spent. Just sayin’ :) Hugs, XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
The Pandemic has touched off a reckoning when it comes to our relationship with work, The Guardian notes. For many, this has meant swapping an unrelenting climb up the corporate ladder with a desire to slow down, draw firmer boundaries, switch careers, or retire early.
— Saundra Latham
I don’t know about you, but I’m hearing much coffee shop/friend circle/virtual water cooler chatter around work/life balance. There seems to be a clear consensus around limiting excessive work hours when there is an obvious lack of return. It’s one thing to go over-and-above and feel valued. It’s another thing for bosses/companies to expect ongoing overtime hours, without recognition or reward. Personally, I’m investing in ways to work smarter, not harder. Some work activities have already fallen by the way side and I’m loving the new found sense of calm. Just sayin’ :) Hugs, XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
feel it.
the thing that you don’t want to feel.
feel it. and be free.
— nayirrah waheed (Author and poet. Described as perhaps the most famous poet on Instagram with 590,000 followers)
My favourite therapist says there is much to be gained from facing and feeling what we don’t want to feel... In fact, the quality of our present and future relationships may depend on it. What I’ve learned is that most of us are lugging around a lot of old stuff (because we’re too young to deal with heavy stuff in our formative years) and a lack of resolution from our childhood. It’s not fun or easy work, but it’s certainly possible to go back and pick up some pieces. I’ve actually done my best healing since my Dad died 24 years ago. I’ve noticed that the more I settle the past, the greater my capacity for my current relationships. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
I wasn’t real quick, and I wasn’t real strong. Some guys will just take off and it’s like, whoa. So I beat them with my mind and my fundamentals.
— Larry Bird (Widely regarded as one of the greatest basketball players of all time, NBA Coach of the year 1998, NBA Executive of the Year 2012)
I don’t know about you, but I love inspirational stories. I love the idea that we’re not hemmed in by genetics and natural ability. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Those wounds that were forced upon you were not your choice, but if you put them under a microscope, study them and learn from them, they can become a source of strength, wisdom, and empathy as unique as your fingerprints. You can use them to touch the lives of others.
— Unknown
My favourite therapist says some things are just our legacy and cannot be changed; where we were born, the kind of upbringing we had, the socioeconomic status of our beginnings, advantages or lack there of. I find this profoundly comforting. When I get “triggered” and spend time reliving the past, I remind myself that this was my reality, but I now have free will. I put the lid back on the box, set it up on the shelf and come back to the present moment. I say quietly, “sure, it’s sad that I didn’t have a touchy-feely relationship with my parents. Although this past is etched in stone, I can make choices, set goals and take the necessary steps to achieve them.” I’ve been able to create the kind of family I would have wanted by taking ownership of my past choices (analyzing the marital breakdowns), making the effort to learn new communication/relationships skills (being a part of the solution and learning to make requests) and choose a better suited mate for my nature, personality and lifestyle (no more outdoorsy guys because I don’t like camping or hiking, Lol). Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
A new study out of Brigham Young University compares a lack of social relationships to other health risks:
* Equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day
* Equivalent to being an alcoholic
* More harmful than not exercising
* Twice as harmful as obesity
I’ve done numerous weekend group therapy workshops. You get to be fly on the wall, hearing about the various challenges of potentially 14 - 16 people per workshop. My key take away is that although our stories are unique, the human condition is eerily universal. The result for my time, effort and money has been an enduring sense of belonging… of knowing I’m not alone, which has made up for some of the gaps in family support. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
To work on yourself is the best thing you can do. Accept that you are not perfect, but you are enough. And then start working on everything that destroys you. Your insecurities, your ego, your dark thoughts. You will see in the end you’re going to make peace with yourself. And that’s the greatest thing in the world.
— Unknown
My favourite therapist believes in working with the “Inner Family (Inner Child, Adult, Spirit, Ego),” which is basically the sometimes confusing and often competing voices within us. He believes so strongly in addressing our inner world that he offers individual and relationship therapy weekend seminars. I’ve done a lot of these weekend workshops and they are surprisingly enlightening. My big take aways are; the Inner Child has unmet needs from our upbringing, Ego is a fierce protector but can be cold and a potential hindrance to relationships and whether religious or not, having some sort of higher power for support can be profoundly comforting. Our often polite adult self is the face we show the public, but there is so much more going on behind the scenes. The more I’ve looked at my unmet needs and problematic fears, the more balanced, stable and fulfilled I’ve felt. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
The moment you accept responsibility for everything in your life is the moment you gain the power to change anything in your life.
— Hal Elrod
When I was first exposed to this philosophy, I was confused. I had a difficult upbringing (and relations didn’t improve all that much into adulthood either) and I felt hard done by in some respects, I suppose. So to “take responsibility” for that seemed off base. What I learned though, is that at some point we need to take full ownership of our lives, as adults, regardless of how we may have been victimized in the past. It’s our life now and we’re free to make our own choices. Most importantly, we can learn and grow, and we can realize even more fulfilment and joy in our adult years. It’s really quite empowering, once you get used to managing your own affairs and emotions. It can be a fresh start even. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
I sat with my anger long enough,
until she told me her real name was grief.
— Unknown
My favourite therapist likens the myriad of emotions we feel to the layers of an onion. My aha moment was the realization that beneath anger is typically hurt. Put another way, there’s a saying that “A man yelling is the equivalent of a baby crying.” As I grapple with my mother’s passing, I’ve been observing intense moments of anger and I’ve been able to address some old hurts sitting in the wings. I also know, from years of excellent counselling, that I just need to feel what I’m feeling and I will eventually get to the other side, where at least some resolution and peace sit patiently waiting. As my favourite therapist says, some things are just our legacy, and cannot be changed. But we can find a reprieve from our past wounds by feeling, grieving and then settling the old stuff in our mental and emotional attic. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists. One where my heart is full. My body loved. And my soul understood.
— Melissa Cox
My favourite therapist says the place we are homesick for is actually the total and complete reconnection with ourselves. He explains that as we look for love/romance, we are looking to “plug in” to another person to feel whole… but, in fact, we need to plug back into ourselves. He says that many of us were not loved unconditionally growing up, and so we end up looking for a relationship, a person, to soothe this ill. But he says we need to heal our own wounds, and perhaps learn some new relationship skills, in order to invite a healthy relationship that is defined by respectful boundaries, unconditional love and mutually compassionate support. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
I want us to commit to do one thing a day that’s useful. I see these news reports about “the masculinity crisis” and what I see is a lot of ships drifting in the wind. I see a lack of purpose and direction.
When I look at history, I see a lot of big economic shifts. But I don’t see this same problem with millions of people feeling lost and angry. I think the biggest difference is that now, people can fill their time with hundreds of hours of social media and entertainment that is designed to make them as pissed off as possible so they keep coming back. It sucks you into a cycle of outrage, and it never offers you hope or purpose or solutions… If you find yourself spending hours a day on your phone or television, turn it off for a while and try to find a purpose…
Being useful gives all of us purpose… You just have to be willing to ask yourself, “How can I help?”…
It is easy to complain. Any idiot can highlight a problem. It is not easy to brainstorm, to learn, and to find solutions… I’m asking you to try to add something to the conversation, to be curious, not judgmental, as Ted Lasso says. And if you are so pissed off you think all you can do is complain, maybe log off and go outside and try to be useful in the real world. Put down your phone and help somebody (or, maybe, help yourself).
— Arnold Schwarzenegger
Well said Arnold. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
When we are really engaged in activities, we have less opportunity to worry and feel bad. That might be because focusing on a task temporarily quiets the default network, a set of interconnected brain regions that is most active when a person is self-focused, thinking about the past or imagining the future. The default network is deactivated when people focus on the outside world… physical exertion, which not only suspends self-absorption but triggers biological effects—such as the release of endorphins—that bring about a sense of well-being and, if we’re lucky, rapture.
— Richard A. Friedman, professor of clinical psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College
That may explain why I find washing dishes relaxing, Lol. I’m making a mental note for the days that I feel I have zero energy to work out. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
You don’t need another human being to make your life complete, but let’s be honest. Having your wounds kissed by someone who doesn’t see them as disasters in your soul, but cracks to put their love into, is the most calming thing in this world.
— Emery Allen
My mother passed away almost two weeks now and the prayers, funeral, and all the preparations and arrangements are behind us. We still have to pack up her small retirement community home, but the bulk of to-do’s are checked off. I know there’s a long road of pensiveness ahead, if my father’s passing is any indication. Mourning and processing have their own meandering path and time frame. What’s really blown me away is the tremendously heart warming out-pouring of support. I know I have wonderful friends and loved ones, but I’ve honestly never felt this level of caring. My partner’s family (who have embraced me as their own from day one) sent an absolutely magnificent bouquet of flowers and loving note to the church, which were placed prominently at the guest sign in table. My work colleagues/family sent a stunning bouquet of white long stemmed white roses to my door at home and the company donated to my mother’s favourite charity, which is the SPCA. Even my partner’s work sent a beautiful arrangement to our home. Many of our best friends attended the entire day’s events (4 different venues! Church service, mausoleum resting place, reception and then celebration of life cocktails). There were cards, texts, Facebook notes, phone calls and repeated check ins. I’m tearing up again folks. It’s a big wow. So… friends and loved ones do make life complete in my opinion. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
If you want to grow and create something new - you need to encourage healthy debate and stay open to different ideas. If you want to change someone’s mind and make meaningful change - you need to try and understand where they are coming from… embracing disagreements helps to take the heat out of conflict and turn it into a learning opportunity. Staying open to different opinions can ignite a creative spark, create shared solutions, form deeper connections and help us overcome our differences. As Max Walzenback so wonderfully put it “I believe the key piece to unity and forging relationships is a certain level of openness and vulnerability. Those that do not open themselves to other opinions - both ones they agree and disagree with - will have a hard time connecting and thus forging relationships. Even those who disagree on one issue can find some common ground on another issue. But so often we close ourselves off to one another, isolate ourselves to tribalism, and forget the complex human that sits on the other side of the keyboard.”
— Richard Branson (British billionaire, entrepreneur, business magnate. In the 70’s he founded Virgin Group, which today controls more than 400 companies in various fields. Branson expressed his desire to become an entrepreneur at a young age and began his first venture, a magazine called Student, at age 16).
I’ve attended many intense, in-depth group therapy workshops. My biggest take away is how I would feel about each individual at the start of the seminar (first, snap impression) vs how I would feel at the end of it. Hearing about people’s experiences, feelings, upbringing and challenges has a way of creating context. I genuinely liked everyone at the end of those weekends. Some I connected with in a more authentic way, due to common ground, but I had honest compassion for everyone in the room. Interestingly, appearance was always a factor. People tend to see “looks” (myself included) and make assumptions, which are frequently off base. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Praising and giving attention to the good things are as important and necessary as witnessing and naming and holding the grief and sorrow that comes with being alive.
— Ada Limon, poet
My favourite therapist talks about the importance of embracing both our “positive” and “negative” experiences and feelings. He says there is much to learn about ourselves, our needs, our wants. He encourages the addition of healthy boundaries and opening up to loved ones in the form of friendly requests. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Speak to people in a way that if they died the next day, you’d be satisfied with the last thing you said to them.
And I can’t emphasize this enough.
— Unknown
As I process my mother’s passing, I’m reminded of my father’s funeral 24 years ago. The mourning process was unexpected, suprising and ongoing. Now, he was a hard ass who believed in tough love to be sure, but he had impressive strengths as well. I’ve been more and more aware of the positive impact he had on my life. He certainly did his best to prepare me for reality and for that I am grateful. I didn’t realized how much I would miss talking to him. So, I did everything in my power to invite deeper conversations with my mother over the years. I don’t know if we fully got there, but we certainly shared some of our misunderstandings and regrets. I’m really glad I did that. I can rest easy knowing I tried to connect more fully with my mother. RIP Mom. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
A practice for when we find our plans have been waylaid—we’re in a long line at the store or there’s unexpected traffic or our phone is broken or out of batteries. Rather than get distressed, angry, or caught up in that, take that moment to be grateful for the break from all that sound and stimulus. Be grateful for that moment of quiet— where you can invite in the silence and just be…
* Take this event as a gentle reminder that you are not in complete control of everything.
* Instead of becoming frustrated, reframe the delay as an opportunity to savour an unstructured moment. Avoid the temptation to fill it.
* Ask yourself, “How can I use this moment to recharge?”
— Snapshot from the book Golden: The Power of Silence in a World of Noise, written by Leigh Marz and Justin Zorn
Two things stand out for me; we are not in complete control of everything and using unstructured moments to recharge. I’ve filed these pointers away and I’m feeling just a touch more relaxed already, Lol. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Studies show that boredom can foster creativity, flexibility and problem-solving. When we turn to our phones in those free moments (which I definitely do), we leave little space and time for our minds to leisurely wonder and explore. Great reminder. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
The wheel of life is a deceptively simple tool that you can use right now to start getting clear on your recipe for fulfillment. The 8 pieces of the pie are:
* Physical Environment
* Career
* Fun & Recreation
* Health
* Friends and Family
* Romance
* Personal Growth
* Finances
(Ps. Some people have commented that Faith should be included)
Why it works:
~ It clarifies what you really want vs what you think you should want
~ It looks at you as a whole person vs an employee/spouse/parent
~ It puts the ball in your court, giving you agency over your life
— Excerpt from Leah Smart article (Writer, ICF Coach, Podcast Host of In the Arena/Exploring Human Potential)
I read a great book called Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D., and it was a game changer for me. She talks about the components of a complete and fulfilled life, with a similar pie chart. I was much younger at the time and realized I was overly focused on romance. You can get to a certain stage of your life and begin fixating on some shoulds. For me, it was the biological clock. Although I didn’t have the dying urge to be a mother, like some of my friends and family, I did worry about missing the window. I ended up deciding that if it was meant to be, it would be and I would leave it to the stars, or fate, or what have you. I never did have children, but I am a stepmom now and I’m enjoying that quite a bit. I can be part of our boys’ life and still focus much of my time and attention on my career. I am a career person, and always have been, according to my Mom. She said I identified with women carrying briefcases on TV from the age of about 3, Lol. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
People bring out different sides of you… therefore, you should always keep the ones who bring out the light.
— R.M. Drake (New York Best Selling Author, self published. Drake reinvigorated enthusiasm for poetry through Instagram, according to the Miami Herald. CBS Miami calls his posts “short, concise and easy to relate to; they are filled with words about self-discovery, loneliness, heartbreak and love.”)
I’ve been working with a life/energy work coach for some time now and she talks a lot about the impact others most certainly have on us. She says some people not only take away some of our energy, but they deposit some of theirs onto us as well. Sometimes we walk away energized and loved, and other times we walk away drained and upset. I’ve given this notion due consideration and, actually, I find I spend more time alone in quiet and peaceful solitude. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
The day you plant the seed is not the day you eat the fruit.
— Unknown
The waiting, the unknown, the lack of information. All tough stuff. The garden analogy is brilliant, and a great reminder that things take time. Patience really is a virtue and something I need to work on. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
How is your interoceptive awareness?
A few years ago during coach training, my coach whispered, “and where in your body do you feel the feeling of joy?” I didn’t know…and I was honestly annoyed. The question felt a little too beyond. It was illogical. “The joy is in my head,” I snapped back.
But it wasn’t. There was just a skill I had the opportunity to build. Interception is the ability to sense what’s happening in your body- like hunger. And it’s a powerful tool for understanding your emotions by way of your body- like being joyful, content, or anxious. Not only can you understand emotions this way, but you can really let them go too.
— Maria Villarroel, Editor at LinkedIn News
My favourite therapist taught me the same lesson/skill. He says that our bodies do alert us, if we’re willing to tune in and tackle the feelings. It won’t always be pretty because feelings of stress and anxiety let us know that there’s perhaps uncomfortable work to be done. We may need to make difficult changes. Avoidance and denial are probably more common because who really wants to move toward the pain. But my therapist insists that the only way to heal and enjoy greater fulfilment in life is by acknowledging and reconciling with our muck. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Experts have called parental estrangement a “silent epidemic.” Although there are not hard numbers, one study out of Britain found that 8% of adults are estranged from their parents… In another study, just over half of parents in the United States said they had a harmonious relationship with their grown children, which suggests parent-child discord is rampant…
There is no emotional road map for those people who are grappling with the loss of someone they may not have liked all that much, and who may have been the source of extreme pain in their lives. But experts say there is good reason to speak more openly about this experience, which is far more prevalent than society tends to recognize…
Experts say it’s essential for grieving parties — and those supporting them — to remember that humans are emotionally complex, and that we are fully capable of feeling multiple emotions at the same time as well as cycling through them. Feelings like sorrow, anger, relief and happiness can coexist. When it comes to grief, there is no “should.”
— Catherine Pearson, Huffington Post, Aug 5 2019
My mother passed away early Sunday morning, somewhat unexpectedly. She hadn’t been doing well for a number of years, but she ended up slipping away without a specific end of life event at the hospital. My father passed away over twenty years ago, so I’ve had some experience with the loss of a parent. I just remember feeling differently than I thought I would. A lot of mixed emotions, and I find myself back there again. My favourite therapist says that relationships are complicated and love is messy. We can feel a lot of different emotions all at the same time. I’ll just say Rest In Peace Mum and thank you for the beautiful times. As for the darker stuff, we’re not alone. It’s more common than I realized and that makes me feel much better about our challenges. I hope you’re in a happy, peaceful place with Dad. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
some memories never leave your bones. like salt in the sea; they become a part of you.
— and you carry them
— Unknown
Gentle, poetic words and a gorgeous way to ponder the past. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
If it is true that there are as many minds as there are heads, then there are as many kinds of love as there are hearts.
— Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina
There is a kindness in this statement. We love who we love. Period. Having said that, my favourite therapist guided me firmly toward self love, which is the most important love of all. It took me a while, but I finally understood the importance of “having my own back.” As my therapist/seminar leader teaches, we cannot love someone enough to make up for any lack of love they may have for us. Sometimes we need to walk away and love that person from a distance. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
It is so empowering to say “This isn’t serving me,” and walk away in peace.
— Unknown
From “The Great Reshuffle” to the work from home debate/challenge, we as a society are speaking up, aren’t we? We’re also able to be heard via online ratings and social media. Maybe it’s A-ok to debate some of the old duties and obligations as well. Anxiety and stress are at an all time high and we probably owe ourselves a little extra TLC. I know I need it. Big time. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
1. Too much time spent worrying
2. Not showing real feelings to loved ones
3. Caring too much about what others think
4. Not following one’s passion
5. Not living fully in the present and enjoying the amazing moments
6. Not enough travel
7. Not daring to take risks
8. Too little quality time with loved ones.
— Unknown
So many people are struggling with being present these days. There are a gazillion distractions, particularly with the never ending, 24/7 news cycle. We could be on our phones sun up to sun down and never be up to date on what’s happening. Personally, I’m trying to find new ways to unplug. For example, my sweetheart and I are away for the weekend and enjoying meandering, trying different restaurants, poking around in unfamiliar stores and enjoying movies in our hotel bed at the end of the day. All new activities and we’re feeling grateful to be away from from the usual, draining stressors. So! We’re realizing that getting out of town for us is a much needed mental health break that allows us to enjoy ourselves, each other and life more fully. Stay-cations, although cost effective, don’t seem to offer quite the same freedom, given the chores, bills and errand’y things staring at us. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Offline is the new luxury.
— Unknown
The “Ontario Government Grants Workers Right to Disconnect”, prioritizing workers’ mental health, along with a healthier work/life balance. Says it all, doesn’t it? WFH/virtual access/the convenience of devices have their advantages, but good luck turning it off. I don’t know about you, but work pays for my phone, which I am so grateful for. Problem is, on evenings, weekends, vacations, the old work phone is kind of a ball and chain. I must learn to ignore work emails while taking those much needed breaks. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Affleck told WSJ. Magazine in December about feeling “lucky” to have been given second chances, both in his work and personal life.
“I’ve had second chances in my career. I’ve had second chances as a human being. Life is difficult, and we are always failing and hopefully learning from those failures.” He said. “The one thing you really need to avail yourself of the opportunities provided from that growth is the second chance. I’ve definitely tried to take advantage of that. I haven’t always been successful, but in cases in which I have, they’ve turned out to be the defining aspects of my life.”
— Ben Affleck
I’ve needed second chances in both love and career as well. In love, my second (or third really, Lol) chance allowed me to find my perfect match; lots in common, willing to talk about issues and peacefully/lovingly/respectfully resolve them, equally in like and in love with one another. In career, I realized that being a good employee isn’t enough. Learning to become indispensable, by over-delivering on a consistent basis, has provided the financial security and stability that I’ve always wanted and needed. The unexpected and surprising gifts have been a renewed sense of pride and self esteem. It’s pretty cool actually. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
I’ve always thought of guilt as a type of shame attached to stories we tell ourselves, that we’re not doing enough…
But I now see guilt as tied to unhealthy expectations—being overly optimistic about what we “should” accomplish in a day, week, or even on a summer holiday. Part of the problem stems from a culture of “to-do” lists… It’s no wonder we feel constantly agitated about what we didn’t do. The to-do list culture is setting us up for guilt…
The key to breaking the zapping cycle of guilt is to reset expectations, especially the ones that are forced upon us.
—Rachel Botsman (Author, celebrated TED talk speaker, creator of Oxford University’s first course on trust in the digital world at the Said Business School)
My favourite therapist has a similar philosophy. He believes, based on 40 years of private practice, in challenging our notions of duty and obligation. I’ve taken his advice to heart and I’m the happier and less stressed for it. For me, certain family obligations had to give because they were making me feel bad. I could see no hope of improvement in the scenario, after far too many years of trying, so I gave myself permission to back away. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Instead of looking at your phone you should make some art, kiss someone, read a book, cut up old magazines, see a friend, wake up for the sunrise, write down your dreams, swim in the ocean, make coffee, do something you’re bad at or tell someone you love them.
— Unknown
I don’t know about you, but I’m finding it’s a very fine line with the phone thing. On the one hand, it’s amazing to have so much at your finger tips. You can work from pretty much anywhere and you know you’re not missing anything important. It’s the shutting “it” off thing that’s the problem. Even on evenings and weekends the fight or flight feeling kicks in and you wonder if you’re missing anything important? A recent article suggested that putting the phone in another room during “off” hours can help calm our nervous system. I’m gonna try it. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
These days, many people are feeling overwhelmed, drained, and worried. And given everything that’s happening, it can feel frivolous to worry about our own happiness.
However, research shows that people who are happier are more interested in helping other people, and more interesting in taking action in the world…
One important element of happiness can be a feeling of lightness, of fun, of levity.
Levity can include rest, calm, and activities that help us feel recharged. Making time for levity doesn’t mean we’re ignoring serious issues, or neglecting our responsibilities; it allows us to gain energy and focus…
By making time to recharge when we can, we help build the resilience we need to weather crises and manage periods of uncertainty more effectively.
— Gretchen Rubin (Yale graduate, author, blogger and speaker. Bestselling writer about habits and happiness. Notable works are The Happiness Project, Better Than Before and The Four Tendencies).
I don’t know about you, but I find comfort in hearing how others are doing right now… because I have been feeling hugely overwhelmed, drained and worried. And realize I need to bring more fun, joy and levity to my life. This feels critical actually. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and wishing you more joy in your life. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Men, too, deserve to be spoiled, told they are handsome, told their efforts are appreciated and should also be made to feel secure.
If he treats you like a queen, treat him like a king.
— Unknown
I met an interesting woman at a cocktail party a while back. A group of us were talking about what we do for a living and the woman told us she offers courses, and one-one-one coaching, on dating and relating. We said, “Interesting. What does that entail?” She explained that men and women tend to misunderstand one another and she helps bridge the gap. I ended up taking her weekend course and learned how to be a part of the solution in my relationships. I tested some of her tips, and voila. For example, when I really want something, I may say “You know what would be great honey? I would love to have a date night this week, maybe dinner and a movie on Friday night? Or I might say, “I’m thinking I’d love to go to away for my birthday. I’ve been dreaming of a California weekend, away from the rain?” I think pretty much every time, my honey has granted these hints/requests. I also learned that men are kinda short on appreciation, so I remember to be openly grateful and make sure he knows he’s my hero. Easy peasy. This little course has been a game changer. (Kim Sarasin is the dating and relating expert I worked with. I’m sure there must be others out there). Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings
Chatgirl
You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.
— C.S Lewis
I’ve been pursuing an entrepreneurial dream for a loooong time now and age is very much on my mind. I thought I’d be more “successful” at this point. Having said that, I’m very clear on what I’m after. I enjoy the pursuit and accomplishment of goals, but I need more freedom and flexibility in how I work. Companies tend to clip wings and it can feel pretty claustrophobic. So I’m after a laptop lifestyle that allows for innovation, creativity, and fulfillment. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch but on it’s own wings.
Always believe in yourself.
— Unknown
Always believe in yourself. Simple, calming words to live by. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Gut feelings are your guardian angels sending you messages.
— Unknown
I’ve been learning to trust my gut instinct more and more. When I was younger, I’d feel something instinctively, but my brain would decide it made no sense, and I’d disregard. I began to take stalk after the fact and realized my gut was actually right. I finally realized I didn’t have enough information in the moment for my brain to get on board. I now tell my brain to assume we don’t have all the info and that we’re gonna trust that gut feeling. My favourite therapist says another trick is to observe what we feel in our body. If there’s anxiety, our body is telling us something’s off. He says the body does not lie. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
If you’re anything like me, you need God, the Universe or Life (whatever you prefer to call it) to give you a cement wall - else you’ll run right through it. Even as I reflect on the events of the past two months, I see clearly the many ‘warnings’ to slow down I had been receiving for some time.
The way I see it, you can make the choice to slow down or life will do it for you in all sorts of unpleasant and unpredictable ways.
There’s so much fear that exists behind the guise of productivity, ‘doing’ and incessant activity. You can slice it a million different ways; fear of losing love, fear of not having enough, fear of not being able to provide, fear of confronting ourselves and our thoughts. But ultimately, it all comes back to the fear of not being enough. If we lose all the many forms of external validation, we just might have to validate our own damn self.
I am settling into this slower pace. I’m learning how to drop the ball because usually, I don’t want to be juggling that many anyway.
— Katie Wallace (Writer for socially conscious leaders and companies/Guide @ The Dying Project/Mindful Muse Newsletter)
This is so timely for me. I’m Type A and find it hard to unplug properly. Even when I’m “relaxing,” my brain/subconscious seems to continue problem solving in the background. I do have mental health practices that help a lot and I work with a coach/energy specialist, and yet I still, at times, cross my own health boundaries. So I recently ended up sick (not Covid, just a virus/strepp thing) and missed some very important events. I had been under the weather a few days earlier, and didn’t rest up and recharge. My bad. My resolution is to work smarter, not harder and find a way to properly rest. Interestingly enough, I’ve also come to the same conclusion about validating myself. I grew up shy on praise and I’ve been far too attached to external validation in my adult years (just love that atta girl at work, and it usually comes with cash!). Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
