New Year's Eve expectations vs reality - top 9

Compliments of Elite Daily

Expectation: we have too many New Year's Eve party invites and can't decide!
Reality: we're struggling to find one New Year's Eve party that we actually want to  
go to and due to indecision end up staying home and watching NYE on TV with take out in our favourite  sweats, Lol;)

Expectation: we'll be at the best, most exclusive New Year's Eve party, brushing shoulders with the coolest people
Reality: we'll be at an overpriced, overcrowded venue, brushing shoulders with everyone because the venue is over capacity and pissed because we paid a hundred bucks to feels sweaty and have four drinks in total;)

Expectation: we'll celebrate New Year's Eve with all of our cherished friends and loved ones.
Reality: everyone is busy or away and we're spending this important eve of a new year with Mum and the family dog, or a friend and her less than impressed boyfriend.

Expectation: there will be endless amounts of alcohol, champagne corks a'poppin', money no object (who cares if cable gets paid next month)
Reality: we spend more time getting to the bar and standing in line than actually drinking and sooo not worth giving up the shows we'll desperately need for January, one of the most uneventful months of the year;)

Expectation: the countdown to midnight will be perfect and at the strike of midnight hugging, kissing and cheering with the perfect person or at least our best friends.
Reality: countdown not so perfect, friends are scattered throughout the party and impossible to round up because they're probably in that stupid drink line up, Lol;)

Expectation: we'll get a romantic midnight kiss - significant other or future significant other leaps into our arms and plants the most romantic kiss and doves are released in the background, ha ha!
Reality: we'll get a sloppy kiss from a random stranger. If we're single, we'll either kiss the closest drunk person, or awkwardly stare at our cup while couples all around us make out. Like high school all over again;)

Expectation: we'll stay out until the sun rises. We'll be on such a buzz that we'll party 'til the wee hours and before we head home watch the first sunrise of the year with all our favourite people.
Reality: we'll be home right after midnight. We'll be booking that Uber or cab for 12:01 because pajama's are way more comfortable and TV is something we can count on.

Expectations: it'll be the best night of the year - a night to remember for the rest of the year, or maybe the rest of our lives.
Reality: just another night out. It was kinda fun, maybe?

Expectations: we'll start our New Year's resolutions right on New Year's Day. This year will be different and we'll go to the gym more often, cut down on drinking, cut out the toxic people in our lives. We'll be a new us;)
Reality: we're too hung over to get out of bed, the thought of exercise makes us wanna vomit and McDonald's is right down the street... and great for our post over-priced New Year's Eve budget.

Happy New Year everyone!!

Blessings,

Chatgirl


   

Women and men - cats and dogs, Lol;)

Some fun (and maybe not so fun) differences and explanations about the disconnect between men and women according to Allison Armstrong....

According to Allison, Men and women have fundamentally different operating systems. Women have "diffuse awareness", meaning everything pours in on us and demands our attention. (i.e. it's like the garbage, laundry or messy kitchen are actually speaking to us). Men, by contrast have single-focus, meaning each thing in life is dealt with in an allotted time, one thing at a time and if it isn't a designated garbage duty moment, they may not notice the bags by the door, Lol;) Women are feeling creatures and live in pursuit of the emotional result they get from certain wardrobe or decor choices, outings etc.... which leads us to sex and orgasms. What is the real reason for that ongoing headache?? Men have a straight shot to orgasm, where for women, it's like "catching fish with your bare hands", Lol;) What leads women to orgasm has everything to do with what happens outside of the bedroom. What a man actually does in bed can have nothing to do with whether a woman is able to achieve orgasm. Oxytocin reserves are critical and romance/kind words/attention/caring gestures etc. are necessary in boosting this critical hormone. Without sufficient reserves of oxytocin, achieving orgasm can feel like work and be an exercise in frustration. Why do women like powerful men?? Women are subconsciously attracted to the testosterone boost of a confident, successful provider. When a man comes home lacking in confidence and competence a woman may feel confused internally and this can be purely subconscious. The man looks and feels like a provider, but if he's down and out, he will almost literally be lacking in the scent of testosterone. Are men tuning us out? According to Allison, men need to be approached at the right time... they don't want to hear about our woman to-do list while they're watching their favourite sport. They will not likely remember the conversation, let alone be able to deliver on the so-called commitments they made while they doled out the appropriate "uh-huh" (to get us to shut up, Lol;)). For more info on this, google Allison Armstrong. Lots of quick and interesting articles to read on her website).

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Micromanagement of self - emotional asphyxiation

How tiring are our brains with the constant supervising of every activity and action we take, judging everything as good, bad, right or wrong. It's exhausting and yet we seem unable to stop our brains from keeping score and comparing ourselves to everything and everyone out there. Seriously! We're worried about what's already happened and we're planning for the future or worrying about what could go wrong... and then there's the never ending to do list! We're driving ourselves crazy Lol;) Why do we do this and why are we not able to shut it down, even when we want to??

Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now and A New Earth) would say that we need to spend more time focusing on the moment. Apparently, if we're in the moment and paying particular attention to what we're doing, we won't be worrying about what's already happened and what may go wrong in the future. We should also be happier and more successful in everything we do because our complete attention will be on what is directly in front of us. The treadmill should slow, freeing up much energy and giving us the capacity for more positivity, patience and compassion for ourselves and others. Hell, if our partner or boss was treating us in this way, we'd be gone, Lol! So, we should definitely be nicer to ourselves and put the worries aside once in a while. Just sayin;) Hugs.

Chatgirl

10 healthiest New Year's Resolutions

We've probably heard it all before... but the benefits may be worth consideration;)

* Lose weight - follow a program with long term thinking and build in treats.... and be happier:)
* Quit smoking - multiple attempts often lead to success, building self-esteem and confidence
* Get more sleep - works wonders for mood, appearance and memory
* Drink less - binge drinking may cause depression and illness
* Go back to school - revamp career, meet new people, create new possibilities
* Stay in touch - people with strong ties live happier and longer
* Volunteer - can help with happiness, which can lead to better health
* Travel - getting out of the rut and enjoying adventures can have long lasting benefit
* Reduce stress - reduce the risk of depression, weight gain, illness. Relax, socialize, vacation!
* Save money - tips: work out at home or walk, stick to a shopping list.

Compliments of Health.com

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Relationship friction - forest for the trees

Relationship friction... a real fly in the ointment of life. It's so upsetting to endure conflict in our relationships, especially with the ones closest to us. When we care deeply, arguments hurt like hell. We often don't feel heard and/or understood and a simmer can lead to the lid flying right off! This is scary for both people. Why is it so difficult to just get along, especially when we love each other? This seems so counter-intuitive. What's the deal??

Here's where it gets really interesting... apparently, if we can swallow our pride and try something different, there's a light at the end of the proverbial shit tunnel. First off, we're supposed to learn to shut up once in while, Lol! If everyone's busy trying to be heard, then no one's listening, ha ha.... funny, but not funny, right;) So, according to Joel Brass, relationship therapist extraordinaire, here's a thought to ponder... and a way to turn this whole thing on it's head. If all of our past loves/closest family members and friends were to be interviewed about what it's like to be in a relationship with us, we would learn a whole lot about ourselves. According to Joel, there would similar stories from all of our peeps;) - and they're allowed to be "right" about their observations and experiences with us. So, painful as that sounds, we are supposed to think long and hard about this and try to see where our habitual patterns are landing us in the doghouse of our relationships. Not easy.... but if we can hear some of these "pointers", we may be able to turn our relationships around and evolve into happier, more stable individuals. Sounds novel... and tough, right? Hey, why not - we can handle it;)!

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Gratitude - a simple act in attracting our well-being

The grass is greener phenomenon is alive and well in society. No matter what we have, we seem to want something different or something more. Advertising, movies, TV and magazines all tell us we should be aspiring to more as well. We should be slimmer, hotter, in better shape, more wealthy, happier in love. Really, it's too much, isn't it? It can be exhausting to keep measuring ourselves up to against these unrealistic expectations and/or desires. Sad of all, is when one of our idols falls, despite their so called success in money, fame and career status. Absolutely devastating... How do we honour our heart-felt desires and maintain peace and balance in life at the same time??

Healing and helping experts will say that we need to maintain a level of gratitude in our lives. Understanding what we want and need is great, but apparently we need to begin and end with gratitude for what we already have. Like Scotiabank keeps telling us "we're richer than we think." Such a great marketing campaign because we immediately feel more capable and abundant just thinking that, don't we;) Sooooo! If we start and end our days realizing how much love and abundance we already have, we may just find the energy to follow our hopes and dreams. (The Abundance Book by John Randolph price offers a unique way of thinking about money and love. For those who are not spiritual per se, one can think of concepts like "higher self", or "heart and soul" rather than God. It's more about creating good feeling energy to inspire ourselves with. Hugs.)

Chatgirl

Giving is receiving - Happy Holidays everyone!

We can be consumed with what we want and need. We can be even more fixated on avoiding what we don't want. Of course, this is such a thankless task because the up and downs of life are unavoidable. Try as we might, negative experiences and outcomes are a big part of life.... Ugh. Shit really does just happen and it keeps happening as long as we live our lives. What if we were to change our own minds.... In keeping with the Christmas spirit, experts always talk about the importance of giving... not just for the less fortunate, but for us as well.

There are always things we don't want to do. We certainly don't like to be guilted or obligated into doing things because resentment tends to follow the frustration we inevitably experience... but what if we were to consciously choose to make at least one sacrifice... and do for someone else. Give one extra gift to someone who's struggling this year - or if budgets don't allow, give the gift of service to someone who needs our help. This is not an original concept, but offering just one extra act of generosity can be amazingly enlightening and enriching. There's something about setting ourselves aside for a moment and choosing to make a sacrifice, or choosing to give our loyalty to someone who needs a lifeline. Truly, engaging in acts of kindness and service can do more for our self esteem and happiness than receiving the things we think we want and need. Try it! It works;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Environment tops genetics!

If we could be anyone in the world, who would we be? Such an interesting question to ponder. Who would we choose to be and why? If we're wanting to be someone else, then we're probably feeling stuck in our circumstances... or stuck on a certain path. We've certainly been set on a distinct course, given where we were born, who our parents are, what they did for a living and the opportunities we were presented with, or not presented with. Most importantly, we come to the table with a set of genes that largely dictate who we are capable of being... or are we?

According to The Biology of Belief, by Bruce Lipton, our cells are affected by the environment, even above genetic pre-wiring. This is a revolutionary discovery that paves the way to new thinking. Medically or scientifically speaking, our perceptions really do shape our biology. According to Lipton, our cells have two modes - protection and growth - but the cells can only perform one function at a time. By the same token, if we go into protect mode, growth is inhibited and our energy level is compromised.. and the longer we remain in this state, the more we compromise our vitality. Supposedly, removing stress alone is not sufficient in order to thrive. Similar to how each cell actively seeks nutrition, we also need to seek joyful, loving and fulfilling experiences and circumstances in order to live happy, healthy lives. Above all, we need to create a great environment internally and externally in order to give ourselves the best chance of success and well-being.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Tragedy and horror - the mind run amok?

Why is there such horror and tragedy in the world? Acts of nature aside, why is there always a war, murder, mass killings, abuse? ... and if there is a God, why would he allow such devastation? An age old question, right?

A Course in Miracles makes a convincing argument for the root of evil residing in our minds. According to these teachings, as soon as we're born, we develop an ego (necessary for our very survival), we develop an ability to project onto others, we learn to be competitive to get our needs met and trouble inevitably follows. With the development of the ego, we apparently lose touch with ourselves, our hearts, our "inner world", our best selves. If we remain inexplicably linked with our mind/ego, there is a possibility of literally going crazy with ambition, competitiveness, envy and an inevitable unhappiness. Despite all the people in the world, our loved ones and the many things we treasure, our mind can keep us alienated and feeling very alone. Nothing is good enough, according to our mind. According to "The Course", healing our relationships (with ourselves and others) hinges on keeping our minds in our hearts. If we can remember to live from, or at least be in touch with our hearts, we may remember that we are all human, we are all having this human experience, we are all  children deep down. Focusing on our own greatest happiness, rather than "externalizing" our lives, should lead to the inner peace that most of us seek. <3 Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Anti-aging: the placebo effect

Everyone's probably heard of the placebo effect. When patients believe they're receiving a cure (but they're actually receiving a sugar pill), their health improves. The only explanation for this is that we, as patients, have some role in our own healing. What we think, believe and hope for actually does matter. What about aging and life span? Can we have an impact on this?

According to a new, large scale study by Andrew Steptoe, at the public health department of University College London, how old we feel has a direct link with how long we'll live. If we feel younger, we live longer. Cool;) So, once again, the importance of our thoughts... and what we think about having a big impact our lives. Stuff does happen to us, clearly, but as we keep hearing, it's what we do about it that matters. Seems like exercise, or eating well... thinking healthy/positive thoughts probably takes practice;) ... but hell, if we can live longer, happier, might be the ticket;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Our love/hate relationship with love

Everyone wants to be loved. Sure, we want to be liked by others too, but what we all crave from a very deep place is to be loved (and accepted) unconditionally. Right? Why is there so much drama in romance then? Sure, some people are looking for short term recreational and/or variety, but most people will admit, if pressed, that a true and wonderful love would be great. So why the drama??

Well, this takes us down a road beyond self-help, life coaching or the support of friends. Joel Brass, relationship therapist, would say that we are actually shit scared of love. Most of us have come from difficult homes and this has settled in like a relentless rash, Lol;)... only this is sooo not funny. The modelling from our childhood tends to have a profoundly lasting and damaging impact on how we engage romantically. Getting down to the nitty gritties, apparently we are terrified of being vulnerable and open because "love" hasn't gone so well in the past. When we're in an emotional relationship, we can be brought to the brink of cracking -which may explain that joke on the internet about women being a crazy of at least 4 on a scale of 1 to 10. (Ha ha, funny guys;) ). We desperately want to trust and enjoy our special someone, but something inside of us says "holy shit, don't open up, we could seriously get hurt here. This person could annihilate us on a very deep level". How incredibly sad is that.. and it's not like we have any rational or conscious awareness of feeling this way... but we can engage our defence mechanisms in a hurry when we're feeling affected by a new romantic interest. So, much as we may wish to fall in love and go to that place of reckless abandon, we may be in our own way... ugh. How un-romantic is that??? Good news is, maybe we can dislodge the old crap and find our way to that special someone. Most people have less than zero interest in looking at that old crap though... and that makes sense because it's not pretty;) ... but if we can embrace that wonderful person we're smitten with, shit, why not give it a try;) Just sayin'! Hugs.

Blessings,

Chargirl.

Tough choices and building character

We face difficult decisions regularly in life. What do we decide and how do we decide? It's interesting that we wrestle with so many things - big and small; should we have dessert, salad or fries, go to the gym or not, another drink or not, gossip or hold our tongue, one night stand or not, affair or not? How do we decide these things- instant gratification or long term vision, pleasure vs consequences? Each decision can be agonizing, no matter how small. So how do we decide in these moments?

What's interesting about decisions is that both options are generally good and bad. If we go for the immediate gratification, we can savour that precious sugar high or escape of being drunk or what have you, but then we face consequences later. If we choose to avoid consequences, we get to enjoy a better result - no hang over, no guilt from the one night stand or affair, a better physique or endorphin rush from the work out... but then we missed out on the pleasure that was available to us. Pleasure or consequences/guilt aside, what do these choices do for us? How do we feel about ourselves? If we could focus on how we will feel about ourselves when we choose the "long game", maybe we could get hooked on the better result, rather than the immediate hit of instant gratification. When we make choices that allow us to feel better, we can feel proud of ourselves. We can feel more confident, capable and worthy.... and maybe this is worth more than the short-lived gain of indulging in immediate pleasures that generally come at a cost. This one may take some practicing and convincing of ourselves, Lol;) (For more info on choosing feel good thoughts/actions check out Ask and it is Given).

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Love or fear?

Could it really be that simple? Is everything we do based on fear or love? That sounds pretty over-simplified doesn't it? ... but what if we could actually think first, and make a different choice? What if we decided to go to a loving place and not take things on, so to speak? What if someone made a snide remark and we were able to let it fall off us - and maybe think that person could be having a bad day or feeling stuck in their life. What if most of the things that happen aren't about us at all.... ?

Many different schools of thought contend that we are solely responsible for our own emotions, our own life and everything in it. Many sayings teach the same - "When you get lemons, make lemonade" etc... so why is this so difficult? Why do we feel like victims, why do we want to hold onto feeling "wronged" etc. Why can't we leave others to their "stuff" and focus on ourselves and what we can do to be more joyful? I wonder what it would be like to keep trying this... to keep going "inward" and choosing to think nicer and kinder thoughts - not for others, but for us.... so we can feel better more of the time. This sounds kinda calming, actually, Lol. Worth a try? Maybe:) What have we got to lose?.... Hugs. (For more info check out The Course in Miracles books or Ask and it is Given).

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Surrender: the gift of letting go

Do we know what we want? When we're clear on this, how do we proceed? Do we fixate and attempt to control? Do we become attached to how we want things to come to us? Do we hold our breath, holding out for a very specific outcome? If we do, is this wrong?

According to most teachings, it's great to know what we want. It's also beneficial to maintain a focus on the things we want. If we can release the how and the particulars, however, life may unfold in front of us with greater ease and abundance. Apparently, what comes will generally be even better than what we could have envisioned. The act of surrender is said to free us and the "energy" out there for greater creativity and magic. Letting go could be a relaxing way to go.... of course we'd have to trust.... trust in what?.... that good things can happen for us?... and does it matter how, as long as we're happier in the end? Just sayin;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Do we choose peace or grievances?

Life is a constant series of ups and downs; joy, pain, pet peeves, mishaps, laughter, tears and much more. It can seem like happiness is eclipsed by the many, many challenges. Frankly, it's not easy to take ... and there are so many options in trying to feel better or trying to look at things differently... and still when something difficult hits, like a break up, a death, a huge fight with a friend, family member or significant other, it just plain hurts. The pain in life can be extremely overwhelming... It would be so nice to have a fail safe, supportive resource to count on that actually works in the moment and that could help us shift for good. Does such a thing exist?

Many people turn to their chosen religion in times of need. Others may feel perfectly supported by family, friends, loved ones... but what if none of that is enough? Then what? How do we keep moving forward and continue trusting that there is a better day ahead and that the life of our dreams is possible? A Course in Miracles contends that we have two choices in navigating life: fear and love. We can hold onto grievances when we feel someone has hurt us, or we can relinquish these feelings and lean toward love. According to "The Course" if we focus on loving thoughts, we will "attract" a more loving world for ourselves. If we truly want peace in our lives, then we are supposed to make allowances for others and choose forgiveness, rather than holding onto grievances. Most importantly, if we can choose to go inward, find a place of love, kindness and forgiveness within, we can choose to feel good and not be at the mercy of others and things that happen "out there". Is this easy to do? Not sure... but it could be comforting to feel capable of feeling better whenever we need to... and not feeling that things are just happening to us beyond our control. Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Choice or obligation?

Are we choosing our course of action in life, or are we falling victim to the great imposters of choice - duty, obligation, loyalty and sacrifice? We learn pretty early on that we don't always get what we want and we also know that there are things we have to do that we'd rather not do. Right? Yup, we all endure endless must and should activities in life and we probably survive such moments by thinking of something else or looking forward to the things we'd rather be doing. For the more mundane stuff in life, probably no real big, but what about the monumental and important decisions - like marriage, caring for others, family, career, money? Are we considering ourselves deeply enough?

Joel Brass, relationship therapist, would say we owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to be true to "Self". When we are true to ourselves, we should be more joyful and able to give back. How do we know if we're choosing for our personal well-being or out of some other driving force (duty, obligation etc)? Apparently, the truth will be on our faces, in our attitude and overall mood:

Choosing from our authentic self - or heart/body/mind/soul-
* We will feel more present and able to live in the moment
* We will have more and more energy
* We will feel more alive
* We will somehow attract greater abundance and overall resources
* We will have access to greater joy
* We will give freely and be less concerned with what comes back
* We will feel a greater sense of freedom

Doing out of obligation, duty, sacrifice or loyalty-
* We will feel less and less alive
* We will have less energy
* We will likely feel resentful
* We will be in a bad mood more often
* We will feel tired and potentially sick more often
* It will feel like everyone needs something from us
* We will feel less joy.
Note: exception - if we consciously choose to be obligated, dutiful, sacrificial or loyal for the right reasons, we may avoid the above consequences.... but ideally we are better off when choosing without external "should" pressures.

Easier said than done I'm sure.... but don't we owe it to ourselves to be truly happy in life.... if we choose to live for ourselves and we manage to be truly joyful and full of life and energy, that's gotta be a good thing for those around us, doesn't it? .. and it's probably better for our health and overall well-being... and then maybe we'll need to eat less, drink less, avoid people less etc. etc. Lol;) Just sayin'. Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Can we actually manifest our hopes and dreams?

Life is forever challenging and we're often left pondering why? Why are we not getting what we want? Why do so many things go wrong? We debate this theme and we seem to fall into one of two camps - the spiritual "it's all meant to be and good things are on the way" or the atheist'ish view where life just happens, it's all random and that spirituality is a crutch for the weak;) (Ouch for those of us who are deeply spiritual and clear on our views!... but differences are inevitable and we probably need to avoid taking this personally). There is much debate about the value of spiritual speak. All over Facebook people post comforting and inspiring blurbs about thinking positive, having faith, see it and it is so etc... and all over Facebook the non-believers bristle and think it's all a bunch of rubbish. Obviously, we're touching on very personal values and beliefs-  and like politics, there is no right or wrong way of thinking-  just potential avenues for coping with the drama and unknowns of life. So, can we manifest our hopes and dreams or what? Can we manifest our hopes and dreams whether we're spiritual, atheist, or somewhere in between?

Spiritual or not, a lot of very successful/happy people talk about the importance of having goals, writing them down, creating intentions and taking whatever steps we can in order to move in the right direction. Beyond that, many believe that we have to determine whether we actually believe that achieving our hopes and dreams is possible. If however, our desires and beliefs are not in line, then we will likely remain in a holding pattern, all the while feeling frustrated and perplexed at why the many success instructions are not working. Problem is, we can clearly see the obstacles to change (lack of funds and/or education or skills, age, obligations, responsibilities etc.) ... but it's not as easy to envision how a transformation could unfold. The unknown may be our biggest barrier. Apparently, if we detach from our present circumstances and focus only on what we want... if we ignore the how it could possibly happen concerns and leave it up to the stars, luck, chance, what have you.... that miracle may just happen. Just the thought of that feels good, doesn't it :) Hugs. (For more info check out Ask and it is Given by Esther Hicks).

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Want more money?

We all want more money. No matter how much we earn, we all want more. It can be a slippery slope though because is it ever enough? Do we ever "arrive" and then relax and just enjoy life, focusing on the good stuff like family, friends, leisure, love, animals, hobbies, passions, doing nothing at all or what have you?

The wise ones say we need to think about money differently. Apparently, we are supposed to think of money merely as a symbol of our creative energy (essence, or special and unique brand of genius that only we possess). Beyond that, we are supposed to see the exchange of money as pieces of paper (which we acquire through our talents and abilities put to work) in exchange for others' abilities and talents, in the form of goods or services - a mutually beneficial trade, if you will, between individuals (like trading wheat for wood, in the old days). If we are able to look at money this way, then we're supposed to be able to focus on the things we do, the things we're good at and what we enjoy doing. With greater awareness of our creative abilities, rather than just going through the motions of our job, we should be able to tap into our passion within and either apply this to the existing career or develop new avenues of earning potential. This in turn should lead to better, more joyful results and therefore greater abundance. Summing it all up, it is said that if we focus on our passionate activities and abilities rather than money, the money should take care of itself... and then we won't be as focused on what we don't have or what we might lose. (According to Shakti Gawain in Living in the Light, whether we have a little or a lot of money, we all worry about it... afraid we won't have enough, or afraid we'll lose what we do have). Seems like it all boils down to believing in ourselves... believing that we each have a special talent or ability that is of value to us as individuals and to the world around us. Sounds like a pretty nice view of the world;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Are we sabotaging our relationships with neediness?

Falling in love is a universally powerful experience. This exciting new person opens us up to a whole new level of love, beauty and passion within. Our hearts open wide, we feel alive and we experience a blissful phase of "enlightenment". This is an intoxicating and thrilling experience and of course we want to hold onto it forever. We focus on this engaging person and how wonderful he/she is because we feel so great when we're with them. Fantastic! Happily ever after on the way, right? Whah!... We wish and hope, but in general, this phase gives way to a much less magical reality. Such a drag... really! Why, why, why???

Experts in the matters of love tell us this... We get lost in the "in love" feelings and begin to give our power away. We start to put our source of happiness outside of ourselves. Our love interest becomes something we want to hold onto and "possess". The relationship becomes a form of addiction, and as with a drug, we want/need more and more to maintain our romantic high. We focus on the personality and physical presence of the other person, rather than maintaining the feelings within us. The minute we do this, the energy in the relationship gets blocked. When we hold onto the experience this tightly, we actually strangle and close off the beautiful and energizing connection. Passion brings us together, but our neediness for that initial romantic "hit" takes over. When this feel good energy diminishes, we usually panic and hold on even tighter. We can spend years trying to recreate the falling in love euphoria... but the harder we try, the more it eludes us. Here's the good news... apparently, if we can let go, that precious and exhilarating love energy may begin to flow again, allowing us to experience that heightened level of passionate abandon again;) (For more info check out Living in the Light by Shakti Gawain).

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Choosing a worthy mate

A lot of books and experts advise us to write a list of qualities that what we want in a mate. Even better, we're supposed to write out how we want to feel in a relationship and focus on the specific qualities of the relationship of our dreams (i.e. effortless compatibility, respectful communication, natural chemistry etc. ). We are supposed to create an intention around this and focus on it. Sounds easy enough and yet most of us struggle? Why is there so much drama in dating and relationships? Even when we have good intentions and we think we've found a great relationship, inevitably there's friction, disappointment and often an ending... and then men think women are crazy and high maintenance and women think men are ... fill in the blank, Lol ;) So, what's the deal?

A good therapist will say that all the drama begins and ends with us. Ugh... really... damn. Nobody wants to hear that because it's a total drag. There's nothing inspiring about that.... except that maybe it's really true. So if it is, what the heck? Why is this so complicated and challenging? I mean, really?.... but before we go and get a drink, or eat some chocolate, or go on line to see who's doing what, let's think about this for a second. Maybe if we're willing consider doing things differently, we may be able to save ourselves a lot of grief. Apparently, it's not actually that crappy and depressing. Check this out:

When considering a new special someone:
* Do I actually choose who this person is? Does this person really line up for me?
* Do I see myself able to fully commit to this person?
* How do I feel around this person? How does this person and the relationship make me feel?
* What do I want for myself and do I see my needs being met here?
* What is my experience in this relationship and am I able to share this with my potential partner?
* What does my potential partner want/need, what is he/she experiencing and is he/she willing and able to share?

Apparently if we're willing to rearrange our brains a little and choose on how we feel rather than on looks, money, sexual chemistry, timing etc. we should find ourselves in better shape. Wouldn't it be nice to have a great love life instead of an ongoing train wreck, or dead relationship where we're simply going through the motions... all the while convincing ourselves things are great... and filling that void with another pint of Haagen Dazs, another glass of wine or secretly creeping people on the internet, or whatever feels good temporarily.... all bandaid solutions?....  ;). Just sayin'

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Relationship saving 10 step communication exercise

If you're struggling with your partner (or any other ) and you really want to get to the root of the matter, try the following exercise, compliments of Joel Brass, relationship therapist (if you're both willing of course - or you can have a friend sit across from you to just listen, so that you may gain clarity for yourself).

Spend 5 minutes on each step

1. I am angry at you because (or for).....
2. I am hurt by (or that).....
3. I am afraid of you when (or that)
4. I have expressed all of this to you by....
5. I need (or needed)
6. I want you to (or I wanted you to)...
7. One thing I want to say to you that's hard for me to say is....
8. I want to be forgiven for...
9. I want to be appreciated for...
10. Imagine this person is on their death bed and this is the last conversation you'll ever have...

This is quite a profound and surprising process. Sometimes even we don't know what's going to come up for us - and that's the idea! Apparently, the nature of spending 5 intensive minutes on each step somehow short-circuits the brain and gets to our deepest emotions and experiences. This can apply to any and all relationships and is particularly good with parent and sibling challenges as well. This one is truly for the brave... not easy. Hugs:)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Recipe for lasting happiness in our love relationship

Apparently, most of us are "unconsciously" entering into our romantic relationships. We often choose people for the wrong reasons and then we're not actually committed thereafter because things aren't quite right. Add to that... we don't always know how we feel and/or we can be afraid to express what we need and want. So, we're afraid to express our own experience and almost certainly we're not asking our partner what their experience is with us. Are we asking them what they want and need and then delivering? Probably not. What are we supposed to be doing then?

According Joel Brass, relationship therapist, here are the main points:

* First and foremost, we are supposed to be very honest and committed to what we want in life and from our partner. If we do want long lasting love with one person, then this is supposed to involve full commitment/intimacy/monogamy.
* From the get go, we're supposed to be honest with ourselves and choose based on what we want/need and how we feel about the other person. Certainly, we are not supposed to choose based on external qualities or offerings (looks, money, career, fear of being alone, biological clock etc.)
* Both people need to have both feet in, all 10 toes each in the relationship... and in all the way.
* We are supposed to express what we need and want to each other and discuss our experiences with each other, so there's some hope of everyone's needs/wants/feelings being expressed and addressed.
* Apparently real love is bringing all of our heart, body and mind to one another.

Note: Important distinction
Falling in love - happens automatically and without much effort, but will inevitably give way to obstacles and issues, which will demand effort and work from both people.
Being in love - comes after the honeymoon when we have to take more care with one another, how we're treating one other and how we're giving and receiving love to each other.

Wow... easier said than done for sure... most of us come to the table with fears and defence mechanisms and communication is a challenge, especially when we're feeling emotional, hurt, let down etc. I guess we could ignore all of this and just keep doing what we're doing.... but if we continue to be unhappy in our romantic situation(s) or if we get tired of serial relationships, maybe we can think of trying something new... and going a little deeper into what our relationship MO is;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Move mountains by facing fear

Fear is an incredibly powerful and potentially debilitating emotion. Little do we know, fear is generally at the root of every relationship break down and romantic mishap. Unchecked, fear runs our love lives. The kicker of it is that we have no frickin' idea that fear is festering like a sliver, preventing us from happiness and fulfillment.

Try this exercise, if you're curious:

* Write down the names of every significant partner in your life
* Ask yourself if you chose each of these partners.
* If you did choose them, why? Was it because of how you felt, or some external desire, like how they looked, the money they made, not wanting to be alone, time for kids etc.
* Were you fully committed to these partners and them to you?

If after this exercise we realize that we are falling into romance without fully choosing and then we're not fully committed anyway, then we may have some work to do.

Joel Brass, relationship therapist contends:
1. We all have a Love Code (what we're used to from our upbringing- the amount of love re received)
2. We all have a Love Map (we will veer toward people who give us the same experience with love that we received as a child).

How scary is that?? But apparently, we can change this with some attention to our patterns. (Joel Brass offers profound relationship workshops in Vancouver and South Surrey - or check out his book Healing Your Relationship With Yourself).

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Are we the kind of partner we want our partner to be?

Compliments of Joel Brass, Relationship Therapist

Imagine the following two profiles are submitted to an online dating sight:

Profile # 1 - Sexy, playful, intelligent, attractive, funny, successful, man/woman would like to meet person of their dreams; in spite of considerable worldly success, privately feels incomplete an inadequate on their own; needs constant approval and validation from another to feel good about themselves; finds exclusive commitment to be old-fashioned, boring, and suffocating; communicates indirectly or not at all about their feelings, needs and wants; avoids their own emotional pain and conflict with others at all cost; wants partner to take away all of their hurts and make them feel better; subtly blames the other when not happy with their own life; secretly seeks a new partner when not happy with the current one. If you are the one for me, email me at: highdrama@youmustfillmeup.com

Profile # 2 - Sexy, playful, intelligent, attractive, funny, successful man/woman would like to meet person of their dreams; knows deeply within that I am enough, that I am acceptable, worthy, and loveable already; enjoys solitude and genuinely comfortable in my own skin but prefers to go through life with a cherished companion; willing to bring all of my heart, all of my mind, all of my body and all of my soul to the most dear of all humans to me; if or when I withdraw a portion or all of any of the aforementioned aspects of my love, will communicate about this in humble, vulnerable and honest ways or do some private inner work to restore my fullest offerings to them; willing to "sit in the fire" and deal with difficult or painful subjects if necessary; knows that no one person can or even should meet all of my needs; truly believes that I am fully and independently responsible for being happy and fulfilled in my own life. If you are the one for me, email me at; stillwouldlikecompanionship@Iamfull rightnow.com

'Nough said, Lol;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

10 tips to prevent holiday stress and depression

1. Acknowledge our feelings: we can't force ourselves to be happy just because it's the holiday season.
2. Reach out: we can seek out community, religious or social events. Volunteering is also a great way to lift our spirits and broaden our connections.
3. We can be realistic: holidays don't have to be perfect. Life changes and families and relationships do as well. We can find new ways of celebrating and adjust our expectations.
4. Set aside differences: we can try to accept family and friends as they are, even if they don't live up to our expectations or hopes. We can be patient with others, as they're likely to be feeling the pressure as well.
5. Stick to a budget: avoid trying to buy happiness with an avalanche of gifts, Lol;) We can donate to a charity in someone's name, give homemade gifts or start a family gift exchange, only buying one gift each.
6. Plan ahead: we can ask for help if we need it.
7. Learn to say no: we can work on removing items from our agenda
8. Don't abandon healthy habits: don't let the holidays become a free-for-all;) We can try to get plenty of sleep, eat health snacks before parties to avoid excessive sweets/drinking/cheese and find time to exercise.
9. Take a breather: we can make time for ourselves. Spending just 15 minutes alone may be refreshing enough to handle whatever comes (talk a walk, listen to soothing music, get a massage, read a delightful book).
10. Last but not least, seek professional help if we need it. There is no shame in talking to someone who is an expert in the complexities and challenges of relationships. They've certainly heard it all and they NEVER judge, the power of which we should never underestimate. Sometimes we just need to be heard... no one even has to know;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Holiday friction

Holidays can be a real source of stress for a lot of us. Ideally, we're spending joyous time with our families, grateful for the love, acceptance and support we offer one another in life. For those who actually have that experience, wow, you are so lucky:) Many people are not in this position and it can be a struggle to find our way through this time feeling a sense of connection, happiness and peace. So many people (men, in particular, Lol) hate Valentine's Day for this reason as well. To feel certain things on command and on schedule just doesn't fly sometimes ;) When we don't fit into the norm, we can fell less than and disconnected. So what do we do when we find ourselves more and more anxious as holidays approach?

It seems that we need to find a sense of family outside of genetics. This is why many doctors advise the elderly to get a pet. Connection with others is a biological imperative and without it, we are pretty much guaranteed a bout of depression or illness. We can cultivate our own sense of family with pets, like-minded people, community groups etc. Society is more friendly toward the various sexually oriented relationships and we're heading toward many accepted forms of family as well. Perhaps as individuals we have to allow ourselves to feel "normal" and acceptable, even if we don't fit into the typical nuclear family or primary relationship status at Xmas time. Everything seems to arrive back at us and how we feel about ourselves... whether we can find peace with who we are, no matter what our circumstances, accomplishments, background, financial status etc. It's so easy to compare ourselves with others and feel less fortunate or less successful... or just plain different. The Law of Forgiveness (Connie Domino), and the comforting statements letting us off the hook may come in handy right now. We may actually have to convince ourselves that we're ok, everything is going to be ok and then fake it 'til we make it. Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Inner Battle

We all live with indecision at one time or another and perhaps on an ongoing basis, which can be troubling. We're often dealing with competing voices within us and it can be very difficult to determine the best course of action. Worse than that, we can have a tough time just figuring out how we actually feel. It gets pretty crowded in our minds with all the "shoulds" and internalized judgments we tend to carry around. Apparently, we end up internalizing opinions that we've picked up from parents, coaches, friends, society. Beyond that, supposedly, we have different thoughts or needs within us that we may not even be aware of. Huhhh?

According to Hal and Sidra Stone, in Embracing Our Selves, we begin shutting down or diminishing our true nature from a very early age. We learn how we need to behave in order to be approved of by those around us. Particularly with parents, we need to "adapt" in order to get our needs met or to be accepted and treated with love. That sounds so horrible... but our parents didn't do this intentionally - they just taught us according to what they learned growing up. Awareness is supposedly key in uncovering how our natural tendencies may be different from what we've been doing for many years. If we can observe the internal chatter, we may get closer to our authentic selves, which should allow us to make decisions that feel right and more comfortable for us. If we're doing things because we think we should, rather than wanting to, we can lead ourselves and others down a path with serious consequences. How many of us have gone through with marriages or obligatory responsibilities, only years later realizing we were never actually comfortable. Then we stay longer or keep doing something that doesn't feel right because it would be embarrassing and maybe costly to reverse everything. The kicker though is that going against our true selves can actually make us physically ill, let alone unhappy. We can also hold other people up for years as we either ignore or remain unaware of how we're betraying our "selves". This is pretty heady stuff, but the book does a great job of explaining how we can investigate and deal with the complexity of what's going on in our heads. Very worth it if we can find some much needed peace and joy in life.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Do we stand behind what we want and need?

We all want and need things. How much of what we want are we getting? And if we're not getting what we want and need, why aren't we? What's in the way? It is an interesting exercise to sit down, think about what we really, really want, maybe make a list and then ponder. Have we been asking for what we need and/or want, be it at work, in or relationship, from family, or from ourselves. What do the experts say?

From all walks of life, the helping professions talk about having goals and writing things down. There may be more to it though.... are we bold enough to admit to some of the things we need? Are we bold enough to ask our partner for more of what we need, say affection or romance (and not just straight up sex)? It is quite possible that what sits between us and what we desperately need is old stuff. Getting Past Your Past, by Francine Shapiro, explores potentially uncomfortable (and unconscious?) beliefs we may have about ourselves that prevent us from having the courage to pursue greater fulfillment in our lives. The exercises in this book may take us back to feeling five years old again, which feels completely humiliating and sort of ludicrous... but if we can settle some old scores and scars and feel unburdened enough to achieve greater joy... heck, maybe it's worth feeling like a bit of a loser for a few minutes. At least we can do it in private with no one there to witness our "weakness", or rather vulnerability;) As a side note -  surprisingly, most people actually respond well when we're vulnerable... it just feels weak to us. Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Getting past our past

Ever wonder why some things really get under our skin? Someone says something we don't like and we can't stop talking about how disrespectful that person was to us. Or we get upset about a set back and just can't let it go. We beat ourselves up, feeling like a failure or wondering why good things aren't happening for us. Experts say that if we are angry or upset about an incident for more than fifteen minutes, there is likely a root in childhood. Why does this happen?

Well, apparently when something disturbing happens to us and we are unable to process the experience, it gets stuck for us emotionally. Throughout our lives we will be "triggered" by events that bring up similar feelings. Good news is, there's a way to go back and locate the earlier memories and root out the emotions. Getting Past Our Past by Francine Shapiro takes us through some very interesting exercises in making links between today's troubling events and something that happened way back when. Very interesting....

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Calm in nature

Sometimes all we need is a little bit of sunshine... ever gone on a warm vacation in the middle of winter, you get off the plane and that warm, sweet smelling breeze envelopes your entire body. You relax your shoulders, neck, face, just now realizing there was tension in your entire body. Ahhhhhh....  now that's what I'm talking about;)

Let's get outside and feel the warm sunshine on our faces... or if we're somewhere cold.... let's watch the rocky ocean, or watch the rain bounce off the street puddles....

Sometimes that's all we need.. Hugs :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The simplicity and magic of thoughts

Keep it simple, stupid? We've heard this, right? How 'bout adopting this philosophy to get what we want?

Such as:

I attract relationships that are fulfilling and fun for me.
If any relationships come my way that are not fulfilling, I release them back to the Universe.
I now receive good from expected and unexpected sources.
I choose to be healthy and free.
My work is a joy and pleasure.
All is well in my world.

According to Louise Hay (You Can Heal Your Life), it's that simple. We're supposed to write down some fabulously appealing thoughts/needs/wants and say them whenever we can... and watch our lives change for the better. Sounds simple enough. Nothin to lose, right? ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Black, white or grey?

Life would be so much easier if everything was black or white, conclusive, decided. Obviously we realize that few things in life are crystal clear, but we still seem to want and need a degree of certainty before embarking on a particular path. But the unknowns often leave us wading in what if's or should's (perhaps giving us something to fall back on. i.e. what other people think or what our culture or society thinks and dictates)... and many a time we find ourselves left in hesitation and procrastination.

It's easy to look at others and see the error of their ways, from infidelities, to white lies, denials or perceived mistreatments. We're not as capable of acknowledging these aspects of ourselves for some reason however, and we may focus on whether others are being honest with us and treating us fairly. Above all, we do not want to be hurt by others. We want some control over what happens to us and we struggle to understand, forgive and move on when we are slighted, betrayed or left behind in any way. Truth is though, not much in life is straight forward. There is a complexity to each one of us and there is an even greater complexity to our relationships. None of us know what's coming. None of us have control. We can certainly work on doing the right things - goal setting, affirmations, therapy, meditation, being cautious, thinking carefully, or what have you- but some things in life cannot be prevented or foreseen. Some things just happen. So, if we're hurt by others, or if we hurt others along the way, perhaps it's just life. It would be ideal if we could draw boundaries around people and dynamics. We may feel comfort in trying to control the outcome of our experiences, but perhaps we could find greater comfort in accepting that all anyone can do is their best... and sometimes there are forces beyond our control... even when we want the best for others and for ourselves, and we fight with everything in us to do the right thing.... sometimes, life just happens anyway. Maybe there's freedom in this awareness.. so that if we do get hurt or if we make a "mistake", we may allow it to be and move forward anyway... inviting ourselves to see some good in the experience or to pursue something life altering for ourselves or our choices... because in our experiences we will continue to find the grey. Maybe uncertainty is something to accept and become familiar with. Who knows what magic may show up if we stop trying to control every experience :) Hugs. (For more on this, check out You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay).

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Mixed messages

Searching for answers, fulfillment, happiness can be sooo confusing. There are a million bumper sticker type sayings telling us to throw caution to the wind, feel the fear and do it anyway, don't sweat the small stuff, step through new doors, dance like no one is watching etc. But then we're also supposed to set goals and write things down and focus on what we're trying to achieve and not float endlessly without direction... Whaaaaat? So which is it - plan and think carefully with focus, or live and let live? Maybe all of it... ?

The life coaches out there will say:

* Yes, have goals  - and writing them down and thinking about them is a tested and proven method of seeing our dreams come to fruition.
* In the meantime, live life and enjoy each moment.
* Try to "allow" whatever comes our way and observe without judgment and fear (if possible - not easy to do).. and just be ok with life, as is.

Most importantly... healing professionals will tell us to do as many things as possible to feel good; listen to music, be out in nature, spend time with children, dance, sing, spend time with people we really like and who accept us unconditionally.

Most of all, be nice to ourselves and give ourselves compliments whenever possible! Supposedly, if we think we're wonderful, others will too;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

"The wrong person can be the perfect person" too

For those who meet, fall in love and find their happily ever after - especially the high-school sweethearts, childhood sweethearts - such stability and security ... and possibly envy from the rest of us;) So many of us pick from the box of chocolates, sampling, contemplating, wanting more, or souring... and this can really go on. When it's fun, it's great and when it's not, the whole thing tires, does it not? For sure, but maybe if we attempt a paradigm shift, we can muster a few more chocolates, no matter how sweet or gross, Lol.

It's hard to look back on some of the crap romances without regret. It's so easy in hindsight to feel guilty or angry, thinking someone wasted our time, or we wasted their time. We can see clearly how wrong each situation was and we have a tendency to beat ourselves up, feeling that we're failing or making bad decisions. Relationship experts say, however, that whether we spend one night, one week,  a year, a lifetime, each interaction is valuable in some way. We may not see it right away, but if we're willing to consider that each person brought something meaningful, however small, into our awareness and into our lives, then we've come out ahead. The idea is to move toward better and better compatibility, having discovered over time what makes us feel good. If we can be ourselves with someone, that's a hell of a start. (For further exploration on healing past relationships, check out You Can Heal Your Heart, but Louise Hay and David Kessler... some very comforting ways of thinking about the past).

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The unlikely cure: non judgment

Why does judgment come so easy? Why do we go there? Why do we feel the need to review, analyze, critique, compare? And why does it feel so good to find fault out there somewhere, with others, with institutions, with life. We may gossip or complain, searching for the ultimate catharsis in the annoyances and disturbances of life. Interesting to ponder though, are we're feeling better after? Inlightening wisdom from experts of all walks of life contends that judgment actually has the opposite effect. Hmmmm....

So here's a rather profound way of thinking about things that are foreign, different, uncomfortable, unappealing. If we consider the spice section of the supermarket, we notice the expanse of flavours available. When we go to select the spices for our kitchen however, we merely look for the names of our personal choices and that's that. We are aware of the other spices - the ones we've not tried and have no reference point to, or the ones we're familiar with, but aren't our cup of tea - but we are comfortable with the existence of all of these options. Apparently, if we can look at people  and things in this way, we may achieve a level of healthy detachment. Although others may make decisions we don't understand or agree with, we have a shot at learning to accept them, or at least be comfortable with their existence. Ultimately, it is said that when we make allowances for others, we make allowances for ourselves as well and that can feel pretty freeing. Very cool :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Death by a thousand paper cuts

How do we know when to call it quits on something; a job, a relationship, friendship? We've probably all been in the situation where we keep having some unwanted experience and yet somehow we keep doing the same thing... and we're left cold or upset or wanting, over and over... and praying that something will miraculously change. Usually it doesn't and as the saying goes, the very definition of insanity is to continue doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Why do we do this? Why is it so hard to accept some realities? Well, there may be some assistance if the pro's and con's list isn't working.

According to Ask and It Is Given, by Esther and Jerry Hicks, if we can focus on "better feeling thoughts", we can help nudge ourselves out of the maze in our brains. When we're stuck in a repetitive pattern of thinking, particularly if the thoughts are pessimistic and/or depressive, we might want to try inserting a thought that makes us feel better. It doesn't even matter if the thought is in dreamland. The better the thought makes us feel, the easier it'll be to shift and eventually find our way up and out of the dark tunnel. This may not be easy at times, but apparently if we just keep trying, eventually we'll find ourselves in a better place. Maybe we could try it. We're worth it;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Where to put our baggage ;)

Over the years we collect possessions, some prized, some outdated and needing to be retired or re-gifted. In kind, our past relationships leave us with emotional belongings, some cherished, some lost, some niggling and unsettled. As the saying goes "the quality of our good-bye's determines the quality of our hello's" and so in pursuit of our highest good, the opportunity is available for us peer into our relationship dynamics of the past.

Relationship and grieving experts tell us to; not judge any experience as right or wrong, be gentle with ourselves and review what we received and did not receive from our past relationships. When we were with these past partners, did they bring love, light and joy into our lives? With the valuable insights gained, may we learn what we need in order to be fulfilled. May we find the capacity to give and receive love in more fulfilling ways. May we learn that love resides solely within us, first and foremost. May we believe that from this warm and nurturing place, the love we desire will find us.

Overcoming past loss and grief can be challening. The brain has a tendency to recycle negative, hurtful statements. Positive and productive affirmations are said to be miracle workers, if we give them a chance. Louise Hay and David Kessler, authors of You can Heal Your Heart, offer these statements for our contemplation:

I forgive myself
I totally release all past experiences
I am so happy to be healing old patterns
I lovingly heal my end in the relationship
I love myself no matter what
Even if I'm scared, I love myself
I am grateful for my life no matter what
I attract relationships that reflect who I am and what I want
Good things are on their way to me

May we feel better about today, all of our tomorrows and our connections with others.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Our addictive and obsessive tendencies

Wisdom from Rob Brezsny, The Westender

"We all have addictive and obsessive tendencies. They are fundamental to being human. So the challenge is not to eliminate them - that's not possible - but rather to harness them. If you hope to keep them from dragging you down, you must work hard to channel them into activities that enhance your life. How are you doing on this score? Are you chronically dependent on drugs, gambling, sugar, chaotic relationships? Or are you, instead, hooked on the courage you summon when you face your fears and the willpower you invoke as you free yourself from your limitations? ..."

It's never too late to "upgrade our addictive and obsessive tendencies" and create something different and better in our lives ... no pain, no gain, right;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The secret to success: don't give up

Struggle is an inevitability in life. Fun? Not!! Lol!.. but knowing and expecting challenge to be a part of life may take the sting out of it.. maybe just a little;)

The experts say that in order to succeed and be happy we can think about doing three things:

* Show up
* Keep trying
* Have hope

Most of all, don't give up. Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The Fifty Shades of Grey reaction

Fifty Shades of Grey caused quite the stir. The impact of this book has been widely talked about. Over dinner parties, men have been heard to murmur hesitantly and under their breath "maybe I should pick up this book at some point". Some men have uttered "I wondered why she got so bossy in bed all of a sudden?!". Women laugh coyly in the moment and then have a lot to say privately with their female friends. What are these colourful reactions telling us?

Most people have either seen or heard of the Friends TV show episode on the 7 erogenous zones for women and Fifty Shades of Grey touches on similar territory. Women have pretty universally talked about the desire/need for more attention, lead up to and time spent on creating sexual intimacy. Fifty Shades of Grey has clearly brought the topic to the fore once again. For those who have experienced this popular culture phenomenon, what does the conversation mean to us and our relationships? Men may want to discard the book as silly trash and women may secretly hope/wish their men would read it, in the hopes of igniting fresh passion and excitement. Either way, it may be a lark for couples to read the book together. You never know, the material may provide a comfortable way of discussing likes and dislikes, maybe offer something new and low risk to try. Maybe live a little, Lol;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Forgiving those who have trespassed against us

We have all been hurt.... and is there anything more difficult than overcoming the deep pain others have inflicted upon us? We are left powerless, out of control, confused and tormented, as our minds turn the event(s) over and over, analyzing every which way. Why did they do this to us? Why did they hurt us so? How can we stop the unwanted thoughts from crashing in on us? How can we move forward when we've been so desperately wronged? We've all probably heard that harbouring negative feelings/anger for others only hurts us in the end ... and that's all well and good, but how do we stop the cycle of feeling hurt, then angry, then hurt? How do we release ourselves when part of us cannot let go of the injustice of it all? It would take a pretty incredible mind shift to move past this potentially life altering time in our history. Sometimes we need a miracle, or at least a new perspective to jar us out of our painful thinking.

Some who have managed to move forward, with relief and freedom from the past, offer this gift of wisdom...

Forgiveness does not mean approval. It involves a willingness to see with new eyes- to understand and let go. They did what they did out of their own weakness. You did not deserve it. They could not teach you what they did not know. They could not give you what they did not have.
                                                       -Dr Louise Hart, The Winning Family

Maybe we can look outside of ourselves and see that this is about the other person. This is about their weakness, their limitation(s). Perhaps even find a place of compassion so we can release ourselves from the handcuffs of our past... allowing us to move forward, onto happier times and potentially onto someone who is more capable of loving us. Maybe we can focus on that - seeking those who are less burdened, so that we are less burdened. Shall we try?

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The familiar: safety or a prison?

There is something universal in creature comforts and familiarity. According to experts, we feel more comfortable with who and what we know, than we do forging new ground. Like grooves in a record, we can find ourselves stuck in recurring patterns, almost against our will. Without significant attention and forethought, we can be at risk of perpetuating the past, and potentially unwanted and dysfunctional family of origin tendencies. We can also "attract" partners who play a role in holding us hostage to these unhealthy dynamics. But how do we know when something feels "right" or when it's just something we're comfortable with and perhaps a pattern we should be trying to break? Tough one...

If we find ourselves in and out of relationships, in and out of jobs, odds are there's something niggling. Especially if we leave feeling an emotional debt, so to speak. If we gave too much in the relationship and now we feel angry in hindsight, or we realize we were putting up with too much at work or in the relationship, and now we're left spent, maybe we should spend a few moments taking stock. A savvy Vancouver relationship therapist and teacher advises that in relationships each person should have "ten toes in the circle", in other words, both people have to be equally committed and giving the same effort. If one person is less committed and the other person over-comits, then the relationship is out of balance and won't likely survive. Why do we over-comit? Well, perhaps we "learned" that we have to "earn" love in order to get attention when we were growing up, or our parents were too busy to spend time, so we're "used to" going without a lot of connection or warmth in relationships... and so we can kill ourselves giving at work, in relationships, in friendships, only to find ourselves holding an empty bag at the end of the day. The good news is, apparently, if we take a little bit of time each day being aware of and asking for what we want and need, this may be all it takes to turn the tide and arrive at something more enticing in our lives. Sound possible?

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Negativity and complaining: another form of cancer

So many things go wrong in life and complications are endless. It is very easy, almost natural, to get into the habit of complaining. It can feel better when we talk about stuff and bitching has it's own catharsis for sure. Wise, successful people and help professionals alike, however, will say that this is a trap and can be a veritable black hole.

There are a lot of resources out there saying the same thing - what we think about, is likely what we're going to get. So if we spend too much time thinking about what's gone wrong, what's going to go wrong and we live in this fear/dissatisfaction place, we are probably doomed to see these fears roll out. A spiritual perspective links unhealthy thinking with unhealthy body. Even science admits to the placebo effect: upwards of 35% of patients who believe they are receiving a healing treatment, will greatly improve. In the same way that we're supposed to watch what we eat, we're supposed to watch what we think. The whole "fake it "til you make it" idea may be no joke. There is evidence on smiling- if we smile even when we don't feel like it, our chemistry empirically improves and we miraculously begin to feel better. Maybe a smile a day keeps the doctor away... and the psychiatrist away, Lol;) Worth a shot?

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Self love and peace: get out of jail card

Wherever we are, whatever we're doing, whatever we've done in the past, whomever we're seeing or not seeing, we will always have ourselves to contend with. As the saying goes, "we come in alone and we'll go out alone", and as another great saying goes, "no matter where you go, there you are". A very astute therapist recently said, "we cannot change our legacy, or our family of origin, and so some things we're going to need to accept, live with and find peace with". That sounds like such great advice. How exactly do we achieve this?

Finding peace with what we've been through, what's happened to us, what we're left to deal with, and figuring out how to proceed and find happiness and fulfillment in life is no easy task. Even with a lot of therapy, life coaching, books, all the meditation and yoga in the world, and a lot of time and money later, we can still be left with a hangover from our life history. Hopefully we've gained some great friendships, a bit of wisdom and compassion for others... but how do we achieve a sense of being truly ok now and into the future. Great teachings from various walks of life point to letting ourselves off the hook. All the kindness, generosity, care and allowances we give others... if we can just direct that back at ourselves... tell ourselves that we have done our best at each given moment. With what we've been through, with what we knew at the time, with the limited knowledge we had then, with the limited skills we were raised with, we did our very best. We can't ask more of ourselves than that. If we feel we didn't do our best, then with that life experience, we can do better next time. It is never too late to let ourselves off the hook. Here's a little affirmation, and kindness we can give ourselves. (From The Law of Forgiveness, by Connie Domino).

I forgive myself completely and freely. I release myself and let me go. So far as I'm concerned the incident that happened is finished forever. I wish the best for me. I wish for myself my highest good. I hold myself in the light. I am free and all again is well with me. Peace be with me.

Let's give ourselves a get out of jail card. Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Love or saviour complex

The never ending question of love... what is it and how do we know when we've found our special someone... or when we are just trying to "save" someone so that they can love us and become our true love... ugh? Relationships of all sorts can be valuable and maybe we shouldn't be so fixated on finding "the one" anyhow. But finding someone who would be wonderful if they could just be more this or that, or if they just could just see how truly great they really are... and we're gonna help them, love them into getting there... ugh again. For anyone who's done this and has seen the light, hallelujah! It's a tough one because helping, giving, being generous are all noble on the surface. But maybe there's more to the story.

Helping professionals can sniff out our "helping" relationships and explain that when we're focused on someone else, or others in general, we're generally ignoring and/or sacrificing our own needs and maybe our individuality in general. This syndrome is apparently a ticking time bomb anyway because beneath the surface, we're likely becoming resentful and bitter anyway. So, helping, being generous, excellent... but making others a priority over our own happiness is a drain in the end. Give and take,  giving and receiving, loving and being loved back is the goal, so they say. Sounds healthy;)

Blessings,

Chatigrl

Going it alone to find "the one"

The roster, the little black book, the online pokes and dates... there are numerous avenues and a few schools of thought on searching for romance. Of course it depends on what kind of excitement we're looking for. It's easier than ever to "hook up" with dating sites and apps that conveniently locate someone right in our area. If we're looking for that special someone and we're ready to commit long term though, apparently the numbers game may not be the ideal approach.

According to the book Finding Your Extraordinary Love, by Corinn Giuntoli, if we maintain a roster, or a line up of "intimate" dating partners, we will attract others who are doing the same. This is said to be a complication and maybe even a hindrance to establishing the relationship/love of our lives. Giutoli says that involuntarily and sort of invisibly, attachments or "cords" form between lovers and this keeps us attached to people we may not actually be that into. So if we really do want to find our ideal match, we may need to go it alone. Being truly "available" is supposedly where it's at;) Easier said than done, I'm sure... but it may be interesting to beta test the theory, if nothing else is working. Just sayin;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Money matters: more confidence and a modicum of control

On a completely different topic, money is a big focus for most people, particularly post September 2008. The economy continues to keep most of us in a position of stretching the not so almighty dollar. Job security is not a certainty these days, incomes are typically lower and yet prices continue to soar. Apparently, we've never talked about money this much in our lives and things are out of our control more than ever. Fortunately, according to financial experts, there are a few small, fairly painless things we can do to provide some much needed relief and a sense of calm and confidence in our future.

Suze Orman, in the 9 Steps to Financial Freedom offers the following tips to name a few:

* Stay home one day a week - make sure to have all the food, entertainment needed (and stay away from the home shopping network/online shopping, Lol),
* For recurring expenses such as hair cuts, wait an extra week in between visits
* Keep track of what we're spending, and on what, monthly... apparently, we tend to adjust our spending when we see exactly where our money is going. Gives us a chance to decide ahead of time where we want our money to go.
* For more tips, check out the book :)

What's really interesting is this.. according to Suze Orman, no matter how much we make, we tend to find ourselves in debt. We raise our standard of living according to our earning power. So, we're supposed to intentionally live under our means, watch our money grow and voila! No more money problems:) Well, not sure, Lol. For most of us, our eyes are bigger than our stomachs, so we're going to continue wanting new stuff.... but by introducing some of the genius tips from experts like Suze Orman, we may be able to get ahead anyway. Nice!

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Being "right" at the expense of our relationships

Most people are uncomfortable with conflict and in addition to that, most of us really like to be right!... am I right, Lol ;) Put these two things together and 2 + 2 = 5 a lot of the time in relationships. Thing is, when we avoid conflict, nothing gets resolved and even worse, blow ups are often the result and can lead to sad endings. Needing to be right can be such a rabbit hole. I mean, what's the win? Being right and alone sucks, right, Lol ;)?

The experts talk a lot about communication and this registers as blah, blah, blah. Communication is so frickin' vague already. What do they mean - communication about what, and how?? It's not easy facing friction and difficulty in general, let alone with people we care about... especially when we're feeling angry, hurt, sensitive. So what exactly are we supposed to do? A lot of therapists/coaches will say that we need to be "vulnerable". Ugh... so are we saying we need to be flapping in the wind, foolishly, weakly facing our partner and crying and complaining like babies? Well, no, not necessarily, thank goodness. Maybe we can hold onto our dignity and just speak like adults... explain clearly what our experience is and how we've been feeling about the goings on in the relationship (without blaming and beginning sentences with "you always" or "we never" etc)... and perhaps a great discussion can transpire, clearing the air and setting some ground rules. When it comes to who's right, the experts say this is absolute rubbish. Who frickin' cares really? Apparently, what we should care about is how each person feels. If we're so busy needing to be right, nobody's listening. Everyone's too busy trying to be heard. So if we shut our cake holes for a second;), take a breath and actually hear each other, maybe we can learn about our loved ones and achieve some understanding. What's interesting about listening is that often our loved ones are right. Therapists say that if we survey our five closest friends/family members, they'll have similar feedback about us and what we're like to be in a relationship with. Pretty enlightening, if we can handle it;) The experts say it's not so much what's being said anyway, but how things are said... and if we speak only about how we're feeling, it can be pleasantly disarming for those around us... and in the end our needs may have some hope of being met. That's what we're after anyway, right?! :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Men and Women: bridging the gap

Ahhh men and women... the great divide, and a constant source of gossip and material;) Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by Dr John Gray was a pretty popular book in its day and a decent enough starting place for exploring some of the key differences between men and women. In The Keys to the Kingdom, Allison Armstrong discusses how fundamentally and differently men and women process and experience daily life. Many references offer specific and scientific proof of the differences between the sexes (i.e. men have a higher body temperature, different hormones, different architecture of the brain etc.). Kim Sarrasin, relationship expert, presents and teaches ideas on how men and women can actually be a part of the solution, rather than the problem... very enlightening!

So rather than focusing on the differences per se, it's kind of a mind-bender to hear about some of these potential solutions and discover that the opposite sex may not be the bad guy after all, Lol !. We all know we can't change people anyway, so this could be interesting. According to Ms Sarrasin's philosophy, and the most interesting thing, is that men and women may not be intentionally f--king each other around... well, of course there's some of that too.... but not necessarily. So, in the end, supposedly, we just terribly misunderstand one another. We also do not know how to communicate effectively with one another. Here are a few tips from Kim:

Women: men often do really want to make us happy, but they could really use some help with the how to. For some reason we (women) really like it if men can read our minds, ha ha... but of course, they can't, so we need to give specific direction on where we want to go, or what we'd like for Christmas etc. Hinting is not sufficient-  we need to write it down, or suggest directly.

Men: what do women want? Easy.... attention, attention and more attention. According to Kim, women care about this more than money and more than kind words...

For more Kim Sarrasin secrets on bridging the gap, check her out online.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Commitment: are we walking the walk?

If it's not one thing, it's another in life. Most of us spend a significant amount of time commenting on the seemingly endless slough of things that go wrong, be it technology, something at work, family or relationship drama, a parking ticket, speeding ticket, a new and unexpected expense, and on and on. Why do things always seem so out of balance? Great things happen for sure, but along with the rockin' times come a lot of unwanted tasks or fall out from something or other. I think for most of us, relationship drama hits the hardest and the deepest. I mean, can't we all just get along already, Lol;) Even when we seek help, or put everything we've got into a relationship, we seem powerless to resolve differences that drive a wedge. The mundane glitches in life are just that and although annoying, we can get past them in short order and they'll happily slip into our mental trash bin. The people stuff is trickier. Relationship wreckage can really hurt and have a lasting effect. In fact, we may be carrying the past into the preset, on into the future and into our new relationships. For instance, if someone was cheated on in the past, good luck trusting the next person. Ouch. This is such an unpleasant subject and most of us would rather do anything than hover over this gunk. But what if there was something really important and ground breaking to ponder? What if there was a ray of profound hope that could turn the old relationship rubic's cube into something we've given up hoping for? Anything profound usually involves some willingness to dig down a little, but still, it may be inspiring and novel to look at things a differently...

So here's the deal... and many schools of thought say something similar. In fact, I think most of us have heard something like this along the way, but for some reason it just doesn't register... so, we've all heard about commitment and fears around commitment, but I don't know if anyone actually admits to having a problem with it. Even if we're able to admit to commitment issues, it's out there somewhere - like maybe we haven't met the right person, or we haven't been able to stick with some job because of bad bosses, or an impossible co-worker or what have you. Thing is, I don't know that we really apply the concept of commitment to ourselves. If we do think about committing to ourselves, it just sounds kind of ridiculous. Of course we're committed to ourselves. We're living our lives aren't we? But according to the experts, many of us are not committed to ourselves and therefore our lives are in a state of much flux, maybe in all areas and certainly in our primary relationships. Supposedly, we spend a lot of time out in the world, focused on others and what they're doing that we don't like, or on what isn't working in our cities, or in the world... but it is said that we are not pointing the finger at ourselves in kind and so we continue looking for something external to make us happy, bring us pleasure, solve our issues. The bigger question is, if we are looking in the mirror, what are we supposed to do with that anyway? Most good therapists, coaches, books will say that if we're not taking care of how we feel about ourselves, and of how we treat ourselves first and foremost, we're in for a rocky ride. Self worth is probably an over used expression and I think we kind of make fun of the idea, but the concept is key according to experts. If we can start by going easy on ourselves and making sure we're treating ourselves nicely and thinking we're great, others will too. If we can go a step further and observe the things we say and do out in the world, we may be pleasantly surprised. It is said that if we lie to ourselves, we will be lied to by others and if we betray ourselves, we will be betrayed by others etc. The old saying that we get back what we give out comes to mind, and according to this whole commitment to self thing, it seems that if we commit to ourselves in a more meaningful and thoughtful way, others will supposedly commit to us in a way that we've only dreamed of. (For a more intense look into "self" commitment, check out Coming Home by John Bradshaw, or Healing Your Relationship With Yourself, by Joel Brass).

Blessings,

Chagirl

"Deliberate mistakes": diamonds in the rough

No one likes to make mistakes and we really don't like making mistakes in front of others, especially those we know and/or care about. Makes sense because mistakes can be costly and humiliating. I think we all know that everyone messes up at one time or another, but somehow it's still embarassing when it happens to us. Good news is, some of the best things come from our flub ups. Actually a lot of inventions have come out of accidents or mistakes. In our less monumental, mortal existence, we may not see such important benefits, but experts say different.

Apparently, with each wrong turn, we do learn and change for the better over time. Well, maybe not everyone, Lol;) We can certainly choose to remain stuck or just content with the status quo... but is our life exciting when we do this? Apparently, if we do need to feel alive and we're willing to keep putting ourselves out there, we can choose to make "deliberate mistakes" so that we're not held hostage by fear, indifference or complacency. John Caddell says by "reframing tough tasks as 'deliberate mistakes' we can help remove all the pressure that can keep us frozen, all while learning something along the way". So, if we choose to try something new that has a low downside, we can be pleasantly surprised and perhaps even overturn some false assumptions or beliefs about ourselves. To quote Henry Ford, "if you believe you can't do something, you're always right". Wise people always say half the battle is showing up, so if we show up and choose to try something we're unsure of, who knows what will come:)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Season, a reason or a lifetime?

Not sure who coined this phrase and not sure why it isn't more commonly referred to. There is a lot of fixation on finding a soul mate, "the one" or just being paired up in general. It's pretty much a societal imperative that we should pair off and this can put a lot of pressure on dating scenarios. A lot of us avoid holidays and family in general because of the inevitable and often uncomfortable inquiry into our romantic lives. The beloved Bridget Jones Diary movie did a brilliant job of portraying such a setting: Bridget shows up to a dinner party only to be ambushed by a veritable couple tribunal... every single person's worst nightmare. Even if we're content on our own and/or wanting to be certain before committing long term, we can be left feeling somewhat disturbed because many people assume we're not happy or we're not "whole" unless we have a partner. Is anyone brave enough to inquire into the marriages/relationships of these concerned parties? Are they truly fulfilled or is their relationship long since dead and they're just telling themselves that at least they're not alone? ... just curious;) Either way, as we all know, love is not something we can conjure up. It just happens one day... and if we're in a rush, odds are we're going to wake up after the honeymoon's worn off and realize something's just not right and now we have to go through the pain of unraveling everything. Not fun. So what to do?

A season, a reason or a lifetime is a great notion because it lets us off the hook. If we keep this thought in mind, we can take the pressure off our next blind date, first date, current squeeze or ongoing boyfriend/girlfriend. We can take our time and really consider how things are going. If we keep trying to make each person the "right one' all the time, we may not be noticing when they're not a match. Think of how much more fun dating could be with no pressure. If we're in the moment and enjoying each date, or the dynamics of our relationship, we may just notice all of the great things we like and the things that are not so much. Either way, hopefully we've had a lot more fun and frolic along the way and end up with some quality information about ourselves; what we like, don't like, can live with, can't live without etc. More fun, less pressure, better result? Sounds good to me;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Denial can be devastating

Why is denial not often talked about or admitted to? Perhaps we're in denial about being in denial;)  The dictionary definition of the word is "refusal to believe a doctrine, theory or the like". So, what of it? What is so important about denial and why should we care? Therapists and support group systems will say that things we deny can be at the route of what troubles us. Even worse, denial can be at the route of things we're unwilling to look at that may be running and potentially f'ing up our lives. So, maybe this is something worth exploring...

Denial is no stranger to the addiction world. As the motto goes, "the first step is admitting there's a problem". If we don't have a problem, then all is good, right? Maybe not... what if there is a problem and we just don't want to see it... because if we admit there's a problem, what does that mean? Well, it might mean that we have to make a change, or even scarier, maybe there's a problem we can't fix... or there's something we need to fix and we don't know how or we just can't. That whole scary and potentially explosive time bomb can make a person pretty apprehensive and squirrelly. Makes sense for sure, but anyone who's gotten clean and sober will have a story about how life fell apart until there was nothing left, and in they end they had to deal with the whole denial thing anyway. So, maybe if we look under the hood once in a while and check for leaks, we may be able to prevent a whole lot of ugly fall out down the road. For instance, if we make believe that we're with the right partner all the way down the aisle and into family life, we can end up with a whole lot of pain, expense and potentially damaged children. Or if we keep telling ourselves we're "fine" when we're not, we can end up in a state of depression, job loss, unexpected break ups or any other number of devastating consequences. Why is it so hard to admit when there's a nagging issue? Not sure, but it seems that denial of our deepest truths may be our silent and/or hidden kryptonite.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The When Harry Met Sally Question - can men and women be friends?

When Harry Met Sally explores this topic with a lot of humour and probably one of the best scenes in the history of romantic comedy movies (Meg Ryan fakes an orgasm with oscar winning brilliance, in case you've been living on a desert island somewhere and didn't catch the movie and/or the water cooler debate afterward). Harry and Sally did eventually become friends, despite Harry's insistance that men and women cannot be friends... and in the end they realized that they were in love with each other after all. So, can men and women really be friends?? There's probably no conclusive answer to this, but it's such fun topic to analyze.

There is both popular and scientific debate on the topic. Louann Brizendine (Neuropsychiatrist), in The Female Brain contends that women's behavior is different than men's due to hormonal and architectural differences in the brain. The book discusses specific issues, such as sexualization, and notes that some men are essentially hard-wired to be either capable of monogamy or not and that men are hard-wired for greater sexual focus than are women. Those who disagree claim that there is a great deal of male-female overlap at the individual level. From the popular world, the male consensus seems to line up with Harry's, in that sexual attraction gets in the way of a purely platonic relationship. Most women seem to feel that friendship is possible and tend to put men in the "friend zone" when they either aren't interested or they're unavailable. What I'm wondering is this... if a man and a woman meet, have a great connection and for whatever reason sex is off the table, are they not able to be friends? Are we not capable of thinking someone is fabulous and attractive, perhaps even caring about them and maintaining a relationship... even if there is an attraction? Like feel the fear and do it anyway - can't we just feel the attraction and have the friendship anyway. Maybe not...  but just sayin'.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Love or not love? Rose tinted glasses anyone?

Do we really know what love is? How do we know that someone loves us or that we love them... for real? Clearly there are many kinds of love - the love for a family member/child, friend etc., but when it comes to romance, things get more complicated. The stakes are higher when we're thinking of investing heavily with our time, resources and most importantly our heart and maybe soul, if we're willing to go that deep into it. When a relationship doesn't work out, there's fall out, a sense of loss and it just plain hurts. We start out so hopeful and the relationship seems full of promise. What the heck happens? How do things go so left? Is anyone else out there tired of the merry-go-round? If so, what can we do about this?

First off, what about love? Well, a lot of books and coaches tell us that love is an action. Beyond how we feel, love is something we need to show through "acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts and physical touch", according to The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Apparently each of us has one or two primary needs in feeling love from someone. If our partner does not show love in these particular ways, we will not feel loved... and if our partner truly does love us then he/she is supposed to learn how to love us according to these hardwired needs. Second, are we choosing well from the start? We are told that if we know who we are and what we need, we should have a list of qualities (that mirror our own values/desires/goals) to refer to in our "auditioning" process. It can be flattering to accept someone's adoration and attention, but if this person is not aligned with our core values and desires, we're more than likely putting on the proverbial rose tinted glasses to stay in this "arrangement". Why would we stay with someone who doesn't actually fit the bill? Well, let's be kind to ourselves. Finding Mr or Mrs Right can be a lengthy process, filled with annoying dates and maybe loneliness. But what is the cost of giving up early and "settling"? Maybe we'll be ahead in the end if we take a little more time choosing well up front. Then of course, we have some work to do in making sure we're loving and being loved ..... for real and in the way that both people need.

Blessings,

Chatgirl