The familiar: safety or a prison?

There is something universal in creature comforts and familiarity. According to experts, we feel more comfortable with who and what we know, than we do forging new ground. Like grooves in a record, we can find ourselves stuck in recurring patterns, almost against our will. Without significant attention and forethought, we can be at risk of perpetuating the past, and potentially unwanted and dysfunctional family of origin tendencies. We can also "attract" partners who play a role in holding us hostage to these unhealthy dynamics. But how do we know when something feels "right" or when it's just something we're comfortable with and perhaps a pattern we should be trying to break? Tough one...

If we find ourselves in and out of relationships, in and out of jobs, odds are there's something niggling. Especially if we leave feeling an emotional debt, so to speak. If we gave too much in the relationship and now we feel angry in hindsight, or we realize we were putting up with too much at work or in the relationship, and now we're left spent, maybe we should spend a few moments taking stock. A savvy Vancouver relationship therapist and teacher advises that in relationships each person should have "ten toes in the circle", in other words, both people have to be equally committed and giving the same effort. If one person is less committed and the other person over-comits, then the relationship is out of balance and won't likely survive. Why do we over-comit? Well, perhaps we "learned" that we have to "earn" love in order to get attention when we were growing up, or our parents were too busy to spend time, so we're "used to" going without a lot of connection or warmth in relationships... and so we can kill ourselves giving at work, in relationships, in friendships, only to find ourselves holding an empty bag at the end of the day. The good news is, apparently, if we take a little bit of time each day being aware of and asking for what we want and need, this may be all it takes to turn the tide and arrive at something more enticing in our lives. Sound possible?

Blessings,

Chatgirl