Teach what you were never taught…

Instead of buying your children all the things you never had, 

you should teach them all the things you were never taught. 

Material wears out,

but knowledge stays.

— Bruce Lee

In my family, it would be healthy communication skills. I observed a lot of world war three battles, but saw no resolution, or learning, over the years. Fortunately, I attended many a therapist-led weekend relationship workshops (in an attempt to save my marriage). We were taught how to “clear”, or, express ourselves in an emotionally neutral, factual and respectful manner. Now, admittedly, clearing is harder when tensions are high, but with practice you get better at conferring with your partner about each of your wants, needs and requests. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Some situations no longer serve…

Shifting

As you are shifting, you will begin to realize that you are not the same person you used to be. 

The things you used to tolerate have become intolerable. 

When you once remained quiet, you are now speaking your truth. 

Where you once battled and argued you are now choosing to remain silent. 

You are beginning to understand the value of your voice 

and there are some situations that no longer serve your time, energy, and focus. 

— Unknown 

I don’t know about you, but as time passes (particularly post pandemic), I find I have significantly less energy. My priorities have changed. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Experience, the best teacher…

A lot of shit broke my heart

But fixed my vision

Read that again

— Unknown 

I spent a lot of time waiting to be loved, saved, appreciated, valued (consciously and unconsciously). Finally, experience (and a lot of therapy, life coaching, improved work ethic and accountability) taught me to do all of this for myself. And then I met my perfect partner. But we take care of own stuff first, and then each other. Everyone wins. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

How to avoid heartache…

* Believe patterns not apologies

* Don’t fall in love with potential

* Believe red flags

* Know your worth

* Don’t lower your standards

— Unknown

I wish I could coach my younger self. In particular, I did not heed the red flags. I did not have an appreciation for my deal breakers. In my defence, I guess you don’t know what you can and cannot live with until you have those experiences. Regardless, I spent far too much time around emotional bullies (in friendship and in love). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Holding onto the past and stuck on old energy?

Sometimes you don’t even realize you’re blocking your own blessings by holding onto the past and being stuck on old energy.

There’s always something better getting ready to enter your life. 

Start allowing it. Start letting go and making room for new energy.

Be ready to receive.

—Idil Ahmed

No question, I am one of those people who hates change. I don’t like the disruption and disarray. I stayed in my past relationships way too long because I didn’t want to go through the pain of change. In truth, I was also afraid that a better partner/relationship wasn’t out there. You always hear that relationships are work, and so I wasn’t sure if I should work on the one I was in. While I was pondering, my partner found a better match. Duh, did I feel silly. But in the end, I sorted out my needs, wants, must have’s and deal breakers. I found my handsome prince and he was well worth the break up, newly single and dating phases. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

What we need in a relationship…

What we need in a relationship:

* Trust

* Safety

* Respect for one another

* Freedom to be yourself

* Forgiveness for when we don’t get it right

* Ability to compromise

* Willingness to talk about the hard stuff

* A commitment to work through issues

* Fondness and admiration of each other

* Equality when it comes to wants, needs, goals and any big life decisions

* Someone who is all in

— @centredselftherapy, Lucille Shackleton

After two divorces (one in my early twenties, and one in my mid-thirties), I took a time out to figure this whole thing out. My second husband and I were in therapy to try and save our marriage, and as it turns out, this helped us decide to part ways. Intensive, individual therapy also helped me figure out where I was going wrong. I had embarked on relationships that, in fact, were not suitable for me, right out of the gate. There were neon sign deal breakers that I had been ignoring, even with basic compatibility. For example, I’m a neat freak and ended up with quite an untidy person. I’m also very attentive with time and paired up with someone who was chronically late, to the tune of 45 minutes. Yes, huge deal breaker, particularly when it comes to movies and flight departure times, Lol. In both marriages, I would say I was not given the freedom to be myself, which is the ultimate deal breaker, looking back on it. So I sat down and made a very comprehensive list of needs/wants in a partner, based on who I am and how I want to live my life. It took about a year and then I met the perfect love of my life. We were amazed that we both had written lists, and they matched perfectly. Fate? Or excellent self care and forethought? Maybe both. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The dreaded respiratory season…

Sickness comes on horseback 

but departs on foot.

— Proverb, picturequotes.com

Funny, but not so funny if you’re one of us in the thick of it. This is apparently a real doozy of a respiratory season, with so many stuck in cold/flu/virus/RSV/Covid land. I’m in a movie of my own at the moment, which will hopefully find its ending soon, Lol (cold, flu, then landing on ear infection. Ugh). Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good health to you this holiday season. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl   

Afraid of “not love”…

You are not afraid of new love. 

You are afraid of old pain.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist says that a lot of us grow up knowing what love is not, rather what what love is. This leaves a lasting impression, and we become afraid of more “not love”. I free extremely grateful to have ended up in intensive therapy, where I’ve learned how to take care of myself and establish healthy boundaries and habits. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

The ego vs the soul…

The ego says:

If it hurts, cover it up, run way from it, numb it with addictions, 

avoid it at all cost.

The soul says:

If it hurts, then as hard as it is, see it, be present with it, 

give it your love and compassion, 

for you cannot cut off a part of yourself and feel whole.

— xavierdagba.com (Trauma-informed transformational life coach and mentor) 

My favourite therapist says that “doing the work is not for the faint of heart” because you pretty much have to go through the deepest pain to get to the other side. I remember feeling pretty upside down for a while, and the tears flowed endlessly. I’m not afraid of the old wounds anymore though, and I’m able to visit the past with perspective (about generational trauma), and compassion for my relatives and myself. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl   

 

The myth of marriage…

Most people get married believing a myth that marriage is a beautiful box full of all the things they have longed for: companionship, intimacy, friendship, etc. The Truth is that marriage at the start is an empty box. You must put something in before you can take anything out. There is no love in marriage. Love is in people. And people put love in marriage. There is no romance in marriage. You have to infuse it into your marriage. A couple must learn the art, and form the habit, of giving, loving, serving, praising, keeping the box full. If you take out more than you put in, the box will be empty.

— Unknown 

What I learned, the hard way, is that marriage must begin with a very strong match. I married young and didn’t really know about deal breakers. It’s one thing to go on exciting dates, while going back to the safety of your own comfort zone and living habits. It’s an entirely different animal living with someone full time and navigating all matters of maintaining a household, raising children, managing finances and dealing with social/family commitments. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Suckrifice…

(n.) Doing what you absolutely must do, even though you really, really hate it.

— Unknown

Great new word, Lol. I don’t know about you, but I try to build in a little reward for myself after completing the ‘must do’ tasks. Just sayin’ ; ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Do some good?…

If you want to feel good, 

you have to go out and do some good.

— Oprah Winfrey 

Enough said. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Wired for protection and not connection?…

Our brains are wired for connection, but trauma rewires them for protection.

That’s why healthy relationships are difficult for wounded people.

— Ryan North  

My favourite therapist says that we tend to attract and choose people who are as capable and/or incapable of being in a healthy relationship as we are, and it will always look like we are the more stable one. Just sayin ; ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Spidey senses…

Trust your vibes. 

Energy doesn’t lie.

— Unknown

I’ve always been a believer in spidey senses, women’s intuition, things like that. In fact, when I don’t trust my instincts I almost always regret it. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Rested enough to do your most meaningful work?…

Instead of asking, “Have I worked hard enough to deserve rest?”

I’ve started asking, “Have I rested enough to do my most loving, meaningful work?”

— Nicola Jane Hobbs 

I like that. I can feel my body relax just thinking about it. It’s like giving yourself permission to need and deserve sleep, rest, downtime. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Coming to save you…

The person coming to save you 

is your healed self.

— Unknown  

Yup. Very true. When I was younger, I counted on my boyfriend/husband/friends to be my support system, until I realized this was not a sustainable, or adequate solution. My family of origin was not a haven unfortunately, and so I was left somewhat untethered emotionally. In my parents defence, they did teach us kids about manners, integrity, character and the importance of education, which certainly led to career and financial stability. The emotional/relationship end of things, not so much. My favourite therapist says this is actually more the norm, so I’m sure my parents did their best. Beyond that, it’s been up to me to find the emotional stability required for a healthy and happy relationship. Now, this is not easy work, as you pretty much have to be willing to pick over your past in excruciating detail. This is the road less travelled, as my therapist says, but I highly recommend it. Life is better in every respect on the other side of such a brave post mortem. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Needed someone to take care of you…

You like taking care of people

because it heals the part of you that needed someone to take care of you.

— Unknown 

Ahhh. Right. That makes perfect sense. I was very much that person for a long time. I used to people please. I hated conflict and would do almost anything to keep the peace and smooth things over. I finally realized I wasn’t actually achieving peace. Instead, I’ve learned to address my own needs, wants and desires. I’ve also acquired much better communication and relationship skills (from therapy, life coaching, relationship courses). Some things and people have fallen away, and you know what? I’ve achieved the peace, Lol. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

If you don’t address your childhood traumas…

Your romantic relationships will.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist would agree. He says that we can roll along quite swimmingly, while single, thinking we’re pretty well adjusted adults. Then one day we lock eyes with a super attractive someone, the connection sticks and we enjoy the honeymoon phase… until one day we need to navigate life’s inevitable stressors and find ourself triggered by this precious partner. Those triggers lie in wait, unfortunately, unless we sort out at least some of our baggage during calmer days. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Being loved is the bare minimum…

Make sure you are also being respected, prioritized, supported

& understood. 

— Anonymous 

I’m not even sure I saw “being loved” growing up, which is quite sad. In my parents’ defence, my favourite therapist says most of us grow up learning about what love is not. We may not know exactly what love is, but we’re aware of not feeling loved. My biggest take away from intensive therapy is that it is up to us as adults, unfortunately, to repair the damage done to us along the way… if we so choose of course. The benefit is better quality relationships, and a better life in general, in my experience. Just sayin’  :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings, 

Chatgirl 

Avoiding conflict IS conflict…

Healthy adults talk about problems. We look for solutions.

When people hurt us we communicate with compassion.

No connection will last if people hold in all of their anger, pain, and misunderstandings.

— S. McNutt

Well, I certainly didn’t learn this from my family of origin. What I witnessed was long standing hurt feelings, anger, and a lot of broken dishes, Lol ;) But seriously, my parents seemed unable to resolve their differences. It took intensive therapy, numerous communication/relationship workshops and practice to begin expressing myself in a productive and collaborative manner. Best thing I ever did. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Disagreements don’t have to end with arguments (but maybe a disconnect?)…

Those who are emotionally intelligent, understand that just because you address something that bothers you, doesn’t mean you’re trying to argue. We’re just communicating.

Disagreements don’t have to end with arguments or fights.

— Unknown 

Hmm. Well, I see two scenario’s. One in which two people have a base of commonality and can agree to disagree on certain topics and issues. The other, where two people have little common ground and face a fundamental, philosophical disconnect. You just hope the disconnect doesn’t occur within your family or work circle. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Remember that people…

Love to their level of self-love

Communicate to their level of self-awareness

And behave to their level of healed trauma

— Anonymous 

My favourite therapist says we tend to attract someone with a similar capacity and incapacity to achieve a healthy and happy relationship. One thing is certain. The more “work” I’ve done on myself (life coaching, intensive therapy, energy work, relationship/communication skills workshops, conflict resolution training etc.), the better my relationship. I’m proud of us both. We’re able to talk about anything and care about each others’ feelings, needs and wants, even when the situation is upsetting. We don’t need to be right, we listen to each other, and we’re committed to a mutually beneficial outcome. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

They can’t give you what they can’t give themselves…

Sometimes people can’t reciprocate because they can’t give you what they can’t give themselves.  

Those who are at war with themselves can’t give you peace.

Those who betray themselves can’t give you loyalty.

Those who lie to themselves can’t give you honesty.

See them as they are, not who you wish them to be.

— Anonymous 

Having sat in many a group therapy weekend workshop, the emotional complexity driving us as individuals became very clear. Add a partner to the mix and you have double the trouble. The biggest take away for me was how much of what we do or don’t do is subconscious, with the deepest of roots generally stemming from childhood trauma. It is complicated, to say the least. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Have requirements, not expectations…

I’m at a point in my life where I no longer have expectations, I have requirements.

Respect my time. Match my effort. 

Keep your word. Always be honest.

Stay consistent.

Those are my requirements, not expectations. Requirements. 

— Anonymous 

I wish I could tell my younger self. I can respect and appreciate my desire to keep the peace and see everyone happy, but I certainly paid a price. It’s near impossible to keep everyone happy anyway, so better to take care of one’s own mental and emotional health. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Gotta leave your ego at the door in love (and start with a great match!)…

It’s rare that you find someone with enough emotional and mental patience and maturity to work through shit with. 

Like actually communicate, and lose their ego because they value the connection more than their pride.

You gotta leave your ego at the door in love. 

It’s a must. 

— Anonymous

My perfect love and I talk about this a lot. We each came through the pain of divorce realizing that the “match” needs to be near perfect to achieve a healthy, life long union. In hindsight, our past relationships had pretty clear irreconcilable differences (but we both married young!). Interestingly, we each crafted a perfect partner “list”, based on our learnings. This list included lifestyle habits, character musts, short and long term life goals, red flags/deal breakers to be aware of and must have’s (things you can’t live with, and things you can’t live without). We pretty much saw each other from across the room (we lived 9 blocks away from each other and ended up at the neighbourhood pub one fated Friday night with friends. Lucky!), thought, “wow, that is the most attractive person I’ve ever laid eyes on”, had a couple of dates and soon realized we’d found our perfect match. We ended up sharing our lists, and they were almost identical. Pretty miraculous stuff! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Emotional maturity is attractive…

Safety is attractive.  

Emotional maturity is attractive.

Raw communication is attractive.

Authenticity is attractive.

Imperfections are attractive.

Genuine connection is attractive.

Effort is attractive.

Consistency is attractive.

Honesty is attractive.

Kindness is attractive.

Taking accountability is attractive.

Sincere apologies are attractive.

Awareness is attractive.

Growth is attractive.

— Unknown 

I had absolutely ZERO idea about character-based attraction when I was younger. Is he cute? Yes, great. Do I like him? Ok, perfect. Uhh, what else? Do we have some stuff in common? Yeah, a few things, ok, good enough. NO! Not good enough. Two marriages, a lot of therapy and relationship courses later, I realize just how much commonality (life goals, lifestyle), character, integrity and healthy relationship skills factor into a great match. Match being key word here, because looking back I can see that each of my past relationships had at least two major deal breakers (extreme lateness, extreme spending, different life goals, inability to communicate through difficult challenges etc.). I was absolutely a part of the problem, as I shrank from conflict and anger, making peaceful resolution pretty difficult. Thankfully my troubled relationship path led to couples therapy, and then individual therapy, and most importantly relationship/communication skills education. Best thing that ever happened to me. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

“Deal with people for who they are”…

Learn to deal with people for who they are, not who you want them to be.

Life gets a lot easier when you stop expecting apple juice from oranges.

— Rigel J. Dawson (Pastor and author) 

My savvy life coach tells me it’s absolutely ok to keep some people at a distance (as in Facebook, text, email). It’s also ok to call it quits, when need be, for our mental and emotional well being (even with family). I find it hard to let people go. But in the end, I finally realized that some deal breakers demand attention and action. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl

  

Happily ever after?…

“And they lived happily ever after.”…. ? 

More like….

And they worked as a team to:

* Identify and overcome the very normal challenges that all couples face in different situations

* Acknowledged each other’s triggers and prevented conflict from escalating and doing damage

* Listened and validated each other, even when they didn’t agree

* Discussed needs and expectations openly so resentment didn’t build up

— @Meet_TheFreemans (Slighly paraphrased) 

Well said. This is exactly what I learned in the therapist-led relationship workshops I attended. Brilliant guidance that really works. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Brain chemistry and the trauma bond…

The Brain’s Betrayal

The hot and cold cycle of attention followed by neglect, or kindness followed by malice, will create a trauma bond. Your brain will oscillate between pumping out oxytocin (bonding hormone) and cortisol (stress hormone). The intensity and instability of this chemical cocktail breeds a hurricane inside your skull and heart. You feel unsafe. A simmering, background anxiety floods your state, undermining your wellbeing. It becomes difficult to sleep or focus.

Brain chemistry plays a massive role here. To stay sane through this process, you need to understand the brain’s main goal is to keep you safe, not happy. Happiness becomes attainable only after your brain is convinced that you are safe.  

— Ewa Zwonarz

My favourite therapist says that a large percentage of us grow up feeling unsafe, and this leads to unhealthy attachment patterns, and overall relationship challenges. He also says that we tend to attract partners who will have the same capacity or incapacity for achieving a healthy relationship (and it’ll always look like we’re the B student and they’re the D student). I’ve learned that with great therapy and life coaching, it is possible to improve one’s emotional stability and relationship skills, which tends to lead healthier and happier relationships overall. Just sayin’ Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Compartmentalizing big feelings is ok!…

Sometimes compartmentalizing can help you effectively tackle challenges without becoming overwhelmed. 

It’s a way of telling big, flooding feelings like grief, anxiety, or even anger that you’re too busy to feel them right now, and you’re going to feel them later.

— Morra Aarons-Mele (Writer, entrepreneur, top 10- Management podcast and 2020 Webby Awards honouree, LinkedIn top Voice in Mental Health 2022, author of The Anxious Achiever: Turn Your Biggest Fears Into Your Leadership Superpower, released April 2023 by Harvard Business Review Press)

Well, that’s just cool. I’ve worked with numerous therapists, life coaches, energy work practitioners and group therapy leaders over quite a stretch of time, but I’ve never heard this tip. This year’s been a grind with my mother’s passing last August and the overall challenging landscape we’re all enduring (the various post pandemic fall outs, the wars, climate change, companies wanting more with less during quite a frightening financial time). It makes me feel better knowing I can put off some of the grieving, anger and anxiety, so I can get through the day. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Shedding tears can be good for your health…

Crying activates the body in a healthy way. Letting down one’s guard and one’s defences and crying is a very positive thing.

Stress tightens muscles and heightens tension, so when you cry you release some of that. Crying activates the parasympathetic nervous system and restores the body to a state of balance. 

— Stephen Sideroff (Ph.D, Clinical psychologist at UCLA and director of Rahul Wallenberg Institute of Ethics)

I love having a good cry. I takes the lid off the boiling pot, so to speak. Happy to hear it’s actually good for your health and well being. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

How trauma shows up later on…

Trauma comes back as a reaction, 

not a memory.

— Bessel Van Der Kolk 

I understand the concept of being “triggered” from therapy, but I hadn’t thought of trauma response this way. Kind of explains the need for deeper exploration with the help of a professional. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

People that bring me peace…

I used to think I was introverted because I really liked being alone, 

but it turns out that I just like being at peace, and I am very extroverted around people that bring me peace.

—  Myriah Moon 

Right? Sadly, it’s taken me forever to understand the impact other people have on my energy level and happiness. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Realism vs optimism linked to greater happiness…

Being realistic about your life outcomes is likely to make you happier than overestimating them.

Realists with grounded expectations reported better psychological health than extreme optimists or pessimists. 

Life satisfaction took a hit for both overly positive and negative thinkers.

— According to Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin study of 1601subjects, by researchers David de Meza (London School of Economics) and Chris Dawson (University of Bath) … excerpt from Ray Williams article “Why Being a Realist Rather Than and Optimist Can Be a Key to Well-Being, Linked in Newsletter

I am taking serious note because I have a feeling I’ve been blindly optimistic at times, under-estimating forces outside my control. A good friend of mine always cautioned “Girl, have high hopes, and REALISTIC expectations.” But I’ve been adamant in minding over matter’ing my way to the promised land (passive income stream, laptop lifestyle, living/working from wherever I want, whenever I want, how I want). Yet, here I am, many years later, still striving, working for the man (corporate day job). I’ve had my exciting possibilities (and still do), but I have yet to break free. Stay tuned though, because extreme optimism or savvy realism aside, the one thing I’ve always relied upon to succeed is perseverance. Never say die, right? But I will allow space for realities, and a softer landing on the inevitable road blocks. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Being your own validation and honouring your needs (plus work/life balance!)…

Growth can look like:

* Choosing inner peace over reacting

* Walking away from drama

* Being your own validation

* Trusting yourself

* Honouring your needs

* Recognizing unhealthy patterns

* Falling back in love with your life

— @h.e.l.e.n.m.a.r.i.e.

I don’t know about you, but I continue to work on honouring my needs. I was raised to be pretty selfless, which is fine, because you can end up being a very giving, collaborative and thoughtful person. However, self care can also slide down the list, compromising happiness and mental health. I’ve finally learned how to decline certain obligations, but I’m still grappling with work/life balance. Companies want more from their employees for minimal pay increases, and with the escalating cost of living, quality of life is taking a big hit. So how do we maintain pride in our work ethic, and not burn ourselves out? Personally, I remain committed to finding an entrepreneurial endeavour with a passive income stream (at least on the side). I also need to pace myself in the day job, because grinding it out for basically the same, or less, disposable income is not a recipe for joy and well being! Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Failures just as important as successes…

So much of art making is getting to know yourself through the creative process, of making mistakes and going down rabbit holes of research and experimentation that sometimes work out—and sometimes don’t. 

The failures are just as important as the successes. 

— JooHee Yoon (Illustrator and designer) 

Trial and error is legit. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Friendly reminder (for a healthy relationship)…

In a healthy relationship, your parnter hears you out if you’re upset, and their goal is to avoid upsetting you in the future, not to debate whether you should have been upset in the first place.

— Unknown

I like it. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Rest is more than napping…

Rest is more than napping on the sofa.

Rest is anything that makes your nervous system feel safe enough for your stress response to switch off so your mind and body can recover and restore. 

— Nicola Jane Hobbs (Author, researcher, therapist, coach. Hobbs blends the latest psychological and physiological research with ancient spiritual practices to support individuals and organizations. She draws on trauma-sensitive, evidence-based therapeutic techniques and psychological skills training, as well as yoga, breath work, meditation, nutrition, and embodied healing practices to support people in building healthy, rich and meaningful lives)

I think there’s something to this holistic approach. I feel I’ve gained as much from Body Talk (natural biofeedback loop, which helps to identify and prioritize the healing needs of the body) and Craniosacral Therapy (gentle touch that releases tensions in the central nervous system, which allow other systems in the body to relax and self-correct) as I have from individual/group therapy, EMDR and A Course in Miracles direction. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Calming the nervous system (and prioritizing energy givers)…

Behaviours to help maintain a calm nervous system:

* Stepping away from toxic relationships 

* Avoiding getting wrapped up in gossip & drama

* Prioritizing your inner peace

* Choosing yourself each day, too

* Not taking on other people’s negativity

* Maintaining healthy boundaries with social media

* Maintaining healthy boundaries with work

* Avoiding processed food/caffeine

* Having a good sleep routine

* Moving your body each day

* Practicing gratitude 

* Connecting with people that are energy givers

— h.e.l.e.n.m.a.r.i.e

“Connecting with people that are energy givers” stands out for me. My favourite therapist proposed a challenge to the notion of duty and obligation. I hadn’t considered free will and personal choice when it comes to family and long term friends. But, in truth, I often walked away drained, and this is problematic when your career requires a high degree of energy, optimism and positive momentum. Needless to say, the pandemic (and excellent, professional guidance) kind of allowed a falling away of the less supportive aspects of my life. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Make anger your best friend…

My therapist once told me “Anger is the part of yourself that loves you the most. It knows when you are being mistreated, neglected, disrespected. It signals that you have to take a step out of a place that doesn’t do you justice. It makes you aware that you need to leave a room, a job, a relationship, old patterns that don’t work for you anymore. Learn to listen to your anger and make it your best friend. Then it’ll leave.” And that stuck with me forever.

— Unknown 

I learned about the importance of anger from my favourite therapist. He initially diagnosed me with a “broken compass.” He said that because I grew up around damaging anger, I was afraid of it, and avoided it at all cost. He went on to explain that we need our anger because it gives us critical information. Once I was able to acknowledge and process my anger, I did end up leaving both my marriage and my job at the time. I was also able to properly identify my needs and wants in a mate (much better compatibility and aligned values/goals in life) and in my career (a more compatible corporate culture and meaningful/people focused mission statement). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

We abandon ourselves when we…

* Chase love  

* People please

* Are codependent

* Over give or over do

* Ignore our inner voice

* Fix, rescue, save, + caretake

* Betray ourselves to be chosen

* Ignore or explain away red flags

* Minimize our feelings + need to keep others happy

— @jenpeters_soulguide_healer

What I’ve learned from intensive therapy is that such habits are generally coping strategies from childhood trauma and neglect. When we don’t feel safe and our needs aren’t met, we tend to proactively seek what we need and want. I don’t know about you, but knowing this makes it easier to forgive myself for the over-giving/people pleasing behaviours. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Boundary setting statements…

5 things to say when your boundaries are challenged:

1. I mentioned this as a solution because I want to maintain the relationship.

2. Some things I allowed in the past no longer work for me. 

3. It’s okay if you don’t like what I’m saying, and I need you to respect it.

4. We think differently about this, and I won’t argue about what feels healthy for me.

5. This isn’t negotiable.

— @nedratawwab

I don’t know about you, but I have found it nearly impossible to achieve healthy boundaries with certain relationships. My savvy life coach and my favourite therapist both say that it is emotionally sound to back away from connections that don’t feel mutually beneficial, even with family. It sucks, but some relationships cone with irreconcilable differences that may compromise our mental health. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

When someone is upset, try saying…

If you want to talk, I’m listening. 

I want to understand. Can you tell me more.

Take your time, I’m not in a rush. This is important.

What is the best way I can support you right now?

If you’re not ready to talk, I can just sit here with you.

— @millennial.therapist / Sara Kubrick

One of my best friends has an aggressive cancer, and I’ve found myself in need of comforting and helpful words. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Things I can control…

1. How I react to people & situations 

2. What I eat

3. How I treat my body

4. How I treat myself

5. Who I spend my time with

6. What I do in my spare time

7. How clean my home is

8. When I sleep

9. My thoughts

— ETTAARLANE.COM

Right. Well, what I’ve learned from intensive healing work is that it’s not so simple. There are some things we may struggle to mind over matter, if we have unresolved childhood trauma. The deeper the issues, the more intense the triggers, and the greater the potential for depression and anxiety. And so odds are we self-medicate in various ways; turning to comfort food, binge watching shows into the wee hours, put off cleaning, hit happy hour after work instead of the gym etc. In my experience, this entire list becomes more and more second nature, the more I take care of my mental and emotional health. (Which at this point is regular Craniosacral Therapy, to tackle my sometimes over-active nervous system/fight or flight response). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Having an acceptance mindset (and finding more joy!)…

This situation is only temporary.

I’ve dealt with difficulties before and I can deal with this.

Failure is an opportunity for growth.

The present is the only moment I have control over.

I won’t stress over things that I can’t change.

I can’t change what has already happened.

It’s okay to feel negative emotions. I can still deal with this effectively.

— Unknown 

I don’t know about you, but I carry a degree of post-traumatic stress over the more egregious challenges in life (betrayal/divorce, job loss in a terrible economy, companies wanting more despite meagre pay increases, post pandemic fall out, escalating cost of living, extreme weather events). Having said that, I am proud of the survival skills, improved decision making, better financial management, refined work ethic and a commitment to bringing more joy to my life. My latest mantra is “there’s more to life than work!”Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Unhealed childhood trauma manifests as…

Trying to fix others  

People pleasing

Co-dependency

External validation needed

Living on high alert

Fear of abandonment

De-prioritizing own needs

Tolerates abusive behaviour

Attracts narcissists

Difficulty setting boundaries

— Unknown

Wow. That’s scary accurate, in my experience. Fortunately, I developed an interest in psychology at a young age and ended up on a positive, healing journey. It’s still taken years, financial investment, various therapies, sacrificial weekends, blood, sweat and tears to make substantial progress. I had to learn new communication/relationship skills as well, as healthy conflict resolution was not modelled in my family of origin or at school/work. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Look for an equal not a project…

Remember this when seeking relationships: 

You’re looking for an equal, not a project. 

You’re looking for someone who takes care of themselves 

AND has the capacity to take care of you too.

Someone on your level that you can respect & vice versa.

Don’t fall in love with potential.

— Unknown 

I wish I could go back and coach my younger self. I so badly wanted a partner; the support system, a best friend, companion and confidant. There’s nothing wrong with that. But I wanted the comfort of a partner so eagerly that I ignored red flags. I’m not gonna beat myself up, but I am grateful that I gained enough emotional to make a smart decision in love. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Feeling down is a sign…

Feeling “down” is an indication that something within you is seeking to be released. Any “negative” emotion that is in your awareness is only ever there because it’s seeking to be freed. It’s not there to be pushed down, fought against or ignored. Instead of fighting that feeling, seek to understand why it’s there. Negative emotion is often an indication that you believe something that either isn’t true or isn’t in your highest good, about yourself, about others or about what you desire. Take some time to meditate, view everything through the lens of love, allow it, be patient and the false belief will reveal itself.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist would agree. He says that “negative emotions” provide critical information that can help us make important decisions, and make changes if necessary. Looking back, I can see glaring deal breakers in my two primary relationships. I did not take my reactions seriously, when I felt disrespected, not heard, not factored in. For example, my ex began a huge renovation on our living room/dining room/kitchen without even talking to me. And he was counting on my financial support! Deal breaker of all deal breakers. My other ex was a micro-manager, questioning many of my decisions (even where to buy groceries or fashion choices. Ugh). I already had a father and didn’t need another one, thank you very much. Not much space for romance or partnership in that environment. Another deal breaker. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Boundary setting statements…

My reasons are personal, and I don’t want to share them.

Do you think that’s appropriate?

I’m not prepared to change my mind on this.

I don’t know off the top of my head. Let me get back to you.

Thank you for your concern about X. I’ve got it from here.

Let’s discuss this when we are both feeling calm.

I’m confident in my decisions.

— Anonymous 

My favourite therapist says some people may not have the capacity to understand and respect boundaries (difficult upbringing/unresolved trauma and not coachable at this time, or ever?). Such connections may be best at a distance, kept to a minimum or halted altogether. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Choose worry or faith?

There is not enough room in your mind 

for both worry and faith.

You must decide 

which one gets to live there.

— Unknown 

Great reminder. Hopefully I can remember this the next time I’m hugely stressed out, Lol. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

  

Questions that feel like a hug…

Want the last bite? 

When do I get to see you again?

Want to call instead?

Need me to stay a little longer?

Wanna borrow my jacket?

Do you want advice or just a hug?

Why do you feel that way?

Need another blanket?

How can I love you better?

— Unknown 

My favourite questions are “Do you want advice or just a hug?” and “Why do you feel that way?” I would love to hear these statements more, and yet I catch myself trying to solve, rather than listen and support. Note to self. Just saying’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Search for ways to love…

Marriage is not the end of the search for love.  

It’s the end of the search for the person to love. 

The search for ways to love that person has just begun.

— Tank Sinatra 

My favourite therapist says every relationship will inevitably hit the “relationshit” part the union. Early days are all fireworks and rose tinted glasses, but at some point the annoying habits and traits pop up. I don’t know about you, but I find comfort in knowing that certain differences are to be expected. As long as they’re not of the deal breaker variety, of course. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Dealing with the baggage…

Your trauma is not your fault, 

but your healing is your responsibility.

— Unknown 

I remember learning about the “victim mentality” for the first time and it felt so unkind to me. Perhaps what we really need is to be heard, acknowledged and supported for the trauma we’ve faced. And then we may be more willing to do the “work” of healing. It really sucks holding the bag on a difficult upbringing. Having said that, it’s been a breath of fresh air on the other side it. Most of baggage is neatly tucked away, with the odd flare/trigger, and life feels lighter and more joyful. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

  

Energy givers…

Sunlight

Dance

Whole foods

Hydration 

Consistent sleep pattern

Nature

Music

Movement

Resting 

Fresh air

Declutteriing

Future planning 

— Unknown 

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been feeling pretty burned out, throughout and post-pandemic. The world seems to have picked right back up, and then some. Some people have completely opted out for 6 months; break from work, off all social media, and hard no to social engagements. I’m not planning a complete hiatus myself, but I will focus on the above list, and bringing more joy to life. I keep saying there is more to life than work, money, gadgets. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

I water you, you water me…

When two givers indulge in a connection, it’s like magic.

It’s alchemy.

I water you, you water me.

We never drain each other, 

we just grow.  

— Unknown 

Geez, I wish I’d figured this out earlier. I found my perfect mate after a few failed relationships, and looking back now, I can see at least two deal breakers with each of those partnerships. Whoops! There’s a great exercise you can do (I think it was from Keeping the Love You Find, recommended by my favourite therapist), that rates all of your past relationships, so you can see your choices clearly. Most importantly, this savvy post mortem allows you to identify any red flags up front and do not pass go. According to my therapist, tendencies and potential warning signs can be identified within two weeks of meeting someone. So when I met my husband to be, I had my “list” and I spent a few weeks and months doing my research on this new person, and our connection together. Even with the crazy chemistry we had, I had no interest in making a big commitment to another flawed relationship. Been there, done that, thank you very much. Chemistry, companionship, similar values, future goals, mutual respect and personal integrity, ability to talk about everthing and resolve challenges when they come up were my primary requirements (Ps. I also realized this sort of due diligence is a great idea regarding friendships as well). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

A little braver each time…

The willingness to show up changes us.

It makes us a little braver each time.

— Brene Brown  

I must admit that I’ve “shown up” at times because I had no choice; job loss, relationship break down, unexpected financial meltdown. When you’re desperate enough, odds are you find greater strength, resilience and creativity. Surviving the 2008 financial crisis, and resulting duress, might be my favourite accomplishment. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Sometimes you just need to breathe…

You don’t always need a plan.

Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go 

and see what happens.

— Unknown 

I don’t know about you, but I’ve always experienced a somewhat anxious waiting period before big developments (finding/landing the perfect job, meeting the ideal partner, snagging the most suitable home). Patience is not a virtue of mine, but I’m working on it, Lol. We control what we can control, and the rest is clearly up to fate/faith, luck or what have you. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

No desire to argue…

I have no desire to argue with anyone.

I choose to walk away because I just want peace.

— Unknown

This makes me think about the pandemic and vaccination friction. I finally decided to add the issue to religion and politics, as a no go zone, because people seemed to become very entrenched in their beliefs around the topic. There is so much information out there now. I wonder how well we’re doing separating fact from opinions and beliefs? Just sayin’ : ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Our wounds…

Turn your wounds into wisdom.

— Oprah Winfrey

I’ve done a lot of individual/couples/group therapy, EMDR, life coaching, energy work (Body Talk, Craniosacral Therapy), and I’ve found all of it to be quite freeing really. It’s not easy work and there’s a financial cost, but I’m happy to have unloaded the unwanted baggage. Much of it was unconscious, and I may not have done the work if it hadn’t been for pressing relationship challenges. So, I’m grateful to those relationships for highlighting my silent pain. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Your competition isn’t other people…

Your competition is your procrastination.

Your Ego.

The unhealthy food you’re consuming. 

The knowledge you neglect.

The negative behaviour you’re nurturing 

& your lack of creativity.

Compete against that. 

— Anonymous

That’s some real tough love advice (I wish I knew who actually wrote that)… probably some truth in there though? Personally, I know I ignored some important knowledge/red flags, which led to some less than stellar relationship choices. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

What does Buddha say about forgiveness…

But forgiveness isn’t about excusing him. Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness. But because you deserve peace.

— Buddha 

My favourite therapist says it’s not about letting the other person off the hook. It’s about freeing oneself of the burdensome, negative emotions. In my experience, processing old events and feelings has gone a long a long way to moving forward in a healthy way. (Full disclosure, some of the most troublesome childhood stuff has taken many sessions, and years frankly. But it gets better). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The more you heal, the less you force…

Psychology says, the more your heal, the less you attach, chase, force, judge and project.

— Unknown

I feel quite fortunate to have landed in intensive therapy. In truth, I only entertained these weekend seminars (quite the sacrifice of time after a long work week, energy, emotion and money) and one-one-one therapy to save my relationship at the time. I was frequently burdened with family issues and relied on my partner for support. He finally said “who do you have to talk about this stuff with, because it’s not going to be me. This is deeper stuff for a professional.” Thank you ex. You were absolutely right. I came to really enjoy “the work” and I’ve never looked back. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Complicated grieving…

Everybody talks about cutting people off but nobody really talks about the grief that comes with having to stand firm on that decision, knowing it’s not what you wanted, but what was necessary for your well-being.

— Unknown 

I’ve been learning about complicated grieving from my savvy Craniosacral Therapy/life coach. My mother passed away a year ago and there’s been some very painful fall out. It was comforting to hear that grieving is difficult for people regardless of the ease or difficulty of a relationship (and just because we’re family, dosen’t mean we’re able to see eye to eye. Such a tough one). Losing anyone in your life causes much emotional unpacking, and if it’s a friend, you don’t typically get support and comfort from people because it wasn’t a death per se. My coach also said that grieving is exhausting and so we really do need the time, energy and emotion to devote to the process. This can be a lengthy and winding road. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Kind or people pleasing?

This is not being kind, it is people pleasing:

* Repeatedly forgiving people who refuse to change 

* Not expressing your feelings when you are upset

* Taking on more than you can handle even when you are very tired

* Not standing up for yourself when people are disrespectful

* Being passive with your concerns and issues

* Being a crutch for others when you are burnt out

* Always apologizing first during conflict because you cannot stand others to be upset with you

* Being everyone’s support system but your own

* Saying ‘yes’ to things and regretting it later

— Unknown 

Yup, some of these definitely apply to my younger self. Fortunately, my favourite therapist taught me how to “have my own back.” He says doing things out of duty and obligation can be fine some of the time, granted that one has the time/energy/emotional capacity, but he taught me that prioritizing self care is healthy, and not selfish. Just sayin’:) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Life Lessons for Highly Sensitive People…

* You have a powerful intuition. Learning to trust yourself will change your life. 

* Once you accept yourself for being sensitive, it won’t matter if others approve of you.

* Your ability to feel other people’s pain dosen’t mean it’s your responsibility to fix it. 

* You will thrive when you prioritize taking really, really good care of yourself. 

* Boundaries are how you teach people to treat you. Honouring your time and energy portrays self-respect. 

— @lifebyalissa 

The third one resonates for me. I think I may have found the sweet spot of feeling appreciated for my high level of empathy when healthy for me, and an appropriate level of detachment when the scenario is not necessarily my concern… (This is after much individual/group therapy, EMDR, Body Talk/Craniosacral Therapy and re-birthing/breath work. Ps. Apparently 10 - 20 % of the population is wired to feel everything deeply). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Are you an empath?…

Empath’s Overload Triggers

Rushing

Crowds

Arguing

Loud sounds

Low blood sugar

Chemical sensitivities

Too much socializing

Feeling trapped in parties and cruises

— jane_lightworker

As per dictionary.com, an empath is “a person who has a particular tendency or ability to enter into or psychologically identify with the emotions, thoughts, or attitudes of others.” I’ve been told I’m an empath, and I certainly check all the boxes above (except low blood sugar. I tend to feel better when I fast and eat less in general). I would say there are pro’s and con’s. If you’re in a relationship-based profession, the extra sensitivity can be a super power. But feeling what’s around you in living colour can also be exhausting. Me time helps a lot. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Need a hug?

Don’t offer a lecture 

to a person who needs a hug.

— Wordology

Great reminder. I have a tendency to wanna solve, as does my handsome partner. We know we typically want the other to just listen in support, and/or potentially offer up a hug of comfort. It’s cool that we can work on this together. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Not yet ready to forgive?…

If I have harmed anyone in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through my own confusions 

I ask their forgiveness. 

If anyone has harmed me in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through their own confusions

I forgive them.

And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive

I forgive myself for that.

For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself, judge or be unkind to myself through my own confusions

I forgive myself.

— A Buddhist Prayer of Forgiveness

I’ve been working with forgiveness a lot this past year (since my mother’s passing, and a lot of difficult fall out). This is the first quote I’ve seen that makes an allowance for not being ready to forgive. I actually want to forgive and move on to a more peaceful phase, but my mind and heart keep treading back over some particularly painful stuff. In this moment I want to forgive myself for not accomplishing a deep rooted, long standing goal. Fortunately, a handy strength of mine is perseverance. I’m not afraid of hard work, sacrifice, and taking a few risks. I’m a glass-half-full kinda girl, so I can’t help but believe there’s a brilliant day just up ahead. Having said that, I’ve been sitting here mourning a number of things today. A few tears shed for each sad, lingering moment. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Places we store unwanted emotions…

Lower back: ANGER

Stomach and intestines: FEAR

Heart and chest: HURT

Headache: LOSS OF CONTROL

Neck and shoulders: BURDENS AND RESPONSIBILITIES

Fatigue: RESENTMENTS

Numbness: TRAUMA

Voice and Throat: OPPRESSION

Insomnia: LOSS OF SELF 

— scienceofessentials.com

Well that might explain my lifelong digestive issues, Lol. My father was kind of like Al Pacino in The Godfather. Terrifying. It’s taken me years to calm my nervous system and solve my digestive issues (and he’s been gone for 25 years!). I’m still working on it. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blesssings,

Chatgirl 

 

Examples of Emotional Triggers…

You might get angry when you think you’re being told what to do

 - if you felt controlled in the past

You might get anxious whenever someone isn’t there for you

 - if you had emotionally unavailable parents

You might get angry whenever you feel you aren’t being heard

 - if you felt ignored or dismissed growing up

You might panic when you’re in a situation over which you have no control

- if you’ve felt helpless for years

— Unknown 

Uh, I can relate to all of the above. Good thing my favourite therapist and savvy energy/life coach are on speed dial, Lol ;) I can appreciate the hesitation to seek professional help, but for me it’s been a salvation. Of course the “work” is hard and it’s not a lot of fun, but no pain no gain, right? Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Stuck….

I’m stuck between 

“I need to save money” and 

“You only live once”

— Unknown 

Lol. I can relate! I’m leaning toward saving money though. When you get dangerously close to personal bankruptcy, spending money doesn’t hold quite the same appeal. I experienced that proverbial rainy day during the 2008 financial crisis, which lasted years, and ended up needing far more than I could have imagined. I do spend money on warm vacations because I hate winter. And I do spend money on dinner out, which I consider micro vacations, especially through the week. But other than that, I love seeing my bank account grow. It makes me feel safe knowing I can take care of myself if the other shoe drops again. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

To acknowledge is to release…

Accepting the emotion you’re feeling gives the power back to you.

To avoid is to amplify, and to acknowledge is to release.

— J. Mike Fields (Professional life coach, speaker, mental wellness advocate. Fields uses techniques such as cognitive reorganization, narrative reframing, values clarification, and mindfulness to guide people to greater contentment)

My favourite therapist says the way to the other side is through some muck unfortunately (I’m paraphrasing of course). The family of origin stuff can loom pretty large because we’re too young to be able to understand or process our feelings. Sorting through this stuff is gruelling work, but the rewards are huge, in my experience. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Stay in the moment (and seek additional reprieve?)…

The practice of staying present will heal you. 

Obsessing about how the future will turn out creates anxiety.

Replaying broken scenarios from the past causes anger or sadness.

Stay here, in this moment. 

— S. McNutt (8X best-selling author, podcaster, public speaker and course creator. McNutt believes healing is the key to success, and that self-awareness unlocks freedom). 

Great reminder. I like the way McNutt phrases this message. Personally, I keep hammering away at forgiveness with myself (I forgive you, and I forgive me for any pain that was caused. I release you and I release me). I still seem to need regular coaching/energy work to relieve the emotional pain. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Family of origin impact…

A therapist said if you self isolate when overwhelmed you probably had to solve a lot of your problems alone as a child.

— Unknown 

There’s that. My favourite therapist also targeted the people pleasing, which he said was my way of trying to be noticed and matter. Parents do what they are capable of doing, and then it’s up to us to grow up, so to speak. As an adult, I’ve always wanted a level of intimacy that was missing from my family of origin. I finally found what I was looking for, but not until I solidified my emotional foundation. Therapy taught me boundaries, relationship and conflict resolution skills, and gave me a pretty decent level of self-acceptance and security. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Types of intelligence…

One problem with the way the educational system is set up is that it only recognizes a certain type of intelligence, and it’s incredibly restrictive— very, very restrictive. There’s so many types of intelligence, and people who would be at their best outside of that structure get lost.

— Bruce Springsteen 

I envy people who are drawn specifically to law, medicine, construction, accounting, or what have you. I have a number of interests, and so my career path has been anything but straight forward. I did manage to find a position that suits quite well, but I continue to pursue an entrepreneurial endeavour that will hopefully be more fulfilling. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

A small talk goes a long way…

A small talk can fix a lot.

— Unknown 

I’ve learned this the hard way. In my family of origin there was a lot of yelling (and some violence unfortunately), but very little resolution. So I pretty much avoided anger (which terrified me for a long time) and conflict. Thanks to an ex of mine, I ended up in therapy, and began working on conflict resolution and healthier communication skills. It’s not easy broaching difficult topics with people, but it gets easier and it’s so worth it. Having said that, some relationships simply don’t line up. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

If you thank yourself…

If you thank your mind, it will relax.

If you than your heart, it will open.

It you thank your past, it will integrate.

If you thank your symptoms, they will heal. 

If you thank your shadow, it will vanish.

If you thank your life, it will transform.

If you thank yourself, the light will dawn.

— Matt Kahn (Spiritual teacher, speaker, YouTube sensation and author of Whatever Arises, Love That, Everything Is Here to Help You, and The Universe Always Has a Plan. Kahn has 21+ million YouTube channel views and was named one of the top 100 Spiritually Influential Living People by Watkins’s magazine, along with the Dalia Lama and Eckhart Tolle. Followers find Kahn’s messages both healing and humorous). 

I’ve been trying this the last couple of days! So far, the exercise feels very kind, supportive and forgiving. I think there’s something there. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Give up the idea that you will be perfect…

Boundaries With Yourself

Look like

* Not buying things you can’t afford

* Taking regular breaks during the day

* Keeping the promises you make to yourself

* Ending a toxic relationship

* Creating a healthy sleep routine

* Taking time to honour your feelings and process your thoughts

* Talking to yourself like you would talk to a loved one

* Giving up the idea that you will be perfect

— IneffableLiving.com

The stand out item for me is “Ending a toxic relationship.” It took me a really long time to respect my personal deal breakers (such as repetitive lateness, messiness, ongoing discord) and walk away from dynamics that made me feel anxious and generally uncomfortable. When I made the decision to wait it out, I found a much more compatible fit for my personality, in both love and friendship. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Your home is an extension of your energy field…

This is why practices like cleaning your home, 

rearranging furniture, 

organizing your closet

and getting rid of objects that are cluttering your space

can have a profound impact on your mind, body, and spirit.

— Maryam Hasnaa (Priestess, Intuitive, Energy Healer and Medicine Woman, with a focus on high sensitivity individuals, who experience a heightened nervous system).

I joke about having a touch of OCD, because I’m always cleaning, tidying and de-cluttering. I’m also suuuper sensitive to sounds, smells, taste and other people’s energy. It all makes sense now. For me, Craniosacral Therapy really helps calm the nervous system. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Letting others take responsibility for their own actions…

Detachment doesn’t mean not caring. 

It’s taking care of yourself first

and letting others take responsibility for their own actions

without trying to save or punish them. 

— CounselingReovery.com

For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted everyone to just get along. So I tried to fix and smooth and people please my family of origin into a warmer, safer environment. Looking back, I can see the same pattern in all of my relationships. It pains me, but I now realize that some things cannot be fixed. Sad, but true for friendships and love relationships, but a far more devastating realization when it comes to family. To that end, I’ve been working with forgiveness. Every time a painful thought comes to mind, I say “I forgive X and I forgive myself for any pain that was caused. I release X and I release myself.” Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

7 psychology tricks that will blow you away…

1. To avoid workplace drama - compliment people behind their back 

2. Saying ‘You’re right’ instead of ‘I know’ avoids diminishing what the other person may have just found out.

3. Instead of asking, ‘Do you have any questions?’ Ask, ‘What questions do you have?’ The first almost always results in silence, while the second helps people feel comfortable asking questions. 

4. When you have something important to say to your kids, say it very quietly so that they listen. They’re immune to your yelling, but whispering will get their attention.

5. If you need to de-escalate someone and get them to communicate, ask them something personal.

6. When someone shy is speaking, if you look at them and nod your head, it will encourage them to keep talking. 

7. Say hello to everyone you know, and say it with a smile. 

— Unknown 

A bit of reverse psychology and kind encouragement. I like it ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Are you emotionally resilient?…

Emotionally resilient people are deliberate in their response to painful experiences. They allow themselves to grieve, remind themselves of what they are grateful for, and focus on what they can control in the moment.

But as a Harvard-trained psychologist, I’ve seen so many people struggle with this. It takes effort, practice, and mental strength. 

If you use any of these 9 phrases every day, you are more emotionally resilient than most:

1. I can get through this (shows grit and mental toughness)

2. I’m not going to let myself be a victim (I won’t let this define me or ruin my future)

3. Life is hard (acceptance that life isn’t always fair and there will be emotional hardships)

4. This too shall pass (setbacks and challenges feel horrible in the moment, but will feel less damaging over time)

5. What can I learn from this (openness to experiences and a shift in perspective can lead to empowerment and transformation)

6. I need some time (emotional flexibility, ability to regulate feelings, reducing the intensity of the moment)

7. I still have things to be grateful for (find a way to turn toward the positive, even in tough times)

8. It is what it is (embracing reality allows for radical acceptance, so the situation has less power over us)

9. I’m letting this go (forgiving doesn’t mean it was ok; it just means that I’m no longer letting it weigh me down) 

— Dr Courtenay Warren (paraphrased from “Harvard psychologist: If you use any of these 9 phrases every day, ‘you’re more emotionally resilient than most”, CNBC, Sunday Aug 6 2023) 

My favourite therapist said “the issue I see here is that you want life to be sunny and sunnier.” So we set about arming me with new tools to cope with the inevitable rainy days (individual and group therapy, relationship courses, and lots of sunny vacations). I still find the tough moments stressful, but I accept them as a natural part of life. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Be alone, instead of poorly surrounded?…

The amount of strength is takes to choose to be alone instead of poorly surrounded, is extremely underrated. 

If you were strong enough to choose yourself, I honour you.

— Xavier Dagba (Trauma-informed life coach. Dagba specializes in helping people shed their limitations, embrace their repressed powers, and live from their heart, rather than their wounds) 

I don’t know about you, but it’s taken me a long time to learn this lesson. It’s never too late though, right? I finally figured out how to identify my perfect mate, and then realized the same holds true for friendships. In a nutshell, it’s about the deal breakers. When I look back on my past love relationships and friendships, I can see that there were challenging dynamics and irreconcilable differences all along. (For me, some of them are; chronic lateness, messiness, lack of common interests, inability to discuss and resolve differences). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

True power or cravings?…

What most people call power,  

Buddhist’s call cravings.

They are wealth, fame, sex, fancy food and lots of sleep.

In Buddhism, five true powers are faith, diligence, mindfulness, 

concentration, and insight.

These five powers are the foundation of real happiness.

— Thich Nhat Hanh

I learned about happiness at the lowest point in my life. It was 2008, the financial crisis had hit in the fall and I lost my fancy new job, and my ability to spend money, travel, dine out and enjoy entertainment, right before Christmas. I had saved for a rainy day and I had RRSP’s, but that didn’t go very far when there were no well-paying jobs for a few years. Companies were simply not hiring business development specialists at that time. I was also single, so I spent a ton of time alone, thinking and writing. My favourite part of the day was morning coffe, which I could still afford, when I would envision an excellent new job and the financial freedom to enjoy fun activities again… but not more than I could afford. I’ve never really gone back to spending money. I’ll dine out, I’ll go to live entertainment and I’ll go on vacations, but I do all of that less than before and I save, save, save. I prefer to see my bank account grow, rather than treating myself to more and more things. I feel more abundant than ever before. I also find time on my own incredibly relaxing and healing. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The consequence of not feeling…

Emotions are energy and energy cannot be destroyed. Everything you have avoided feeling becomes energy stored in your energy field as it has nowhere else to go. This is where a lot of disease comes from in our physical body, all this stress and negative energy living within us. Repressed emotions often come to us as triggers, an outburst because it can no longer stay contained. It’s like a cry for help from your body, it needs your attention to heal and release everything suppressed. Whatever emotions you don’t allow yourself to face become stored in the etheric body. This then blocks the regular flow of energy into your chakras. Feeling temporary emotional pain wont kill you like the mind believes and will pass if you let it. You can choose to run from your pain for the rest of your life, letting it weigh you down or you can feel the emotions, release them and take back control of your body. 

— @highpriestesshealing11 (Spiritual life coaching) 

I’m a believer, and every healing profession I’ve pursued has worked wonders; traditional talk therapy, life coaching, group therapy, EMDR, breath work, A Course In Miracles, BodyTalk (along with Naturopathics, acupuncture, Prolotherapy etc.). Most recently, I’ve been working with a Craniosacral Therapist (who is also a life coach) and this work is the most calming and promising yet. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chagtgirl 

What is love?…

The Ego asked:

‘What is love? It’s too big a word for me. I don’t understand it at times.” 

The Soul replied:

‘If you understand Kindness,

If you understand Respect,

If you understand Acceptance,

Then you will understand Love.’

— Richa Rana (Creator of The Dignified Soul. Rana, an engineer by education, worked in the banking-corporate world for a decade. After “relentless nudging” by her soul, she began an inward journey and discovered a passion for observing the world around her, finding wisdom and insights, writing, and seeking the deeper meaning of life). 

I can relate. I’ve worked in business development for thirty years, and although I’ve carved out quite a lucrative position, there is a grind to it. So, I dabble on the side, in search of a path that offers deeper meaning and fulfilment. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Don’t own what others think of you…

How others see us doesn’t represent the truth of who we are. 

It only represents the truth of how they see us. Nothing more.

Don’t own what others think of you.That’s for them to own.

Your job is to work at loving yourself, as you are.

That includes your crooked smile and atypical fashion sense and bizarre family history and even your penchant for garden gnomes. Whatever it is that makes you you is something to celebrate, not be ashamed of or feel less than on account of.

You are right, as you are. 

We all have our stories. We have our pain. I’ve come to believe the only way to have a chance at healing our wounds is to be honest about them. Brave and willing enough to face them. The healing part may be out of our hands, but the brave and honest part is certainly within our power. And it changes everything.

For me, love supports it all. ALL OF IT. Love is the base note for everything good—compassion, forgiveness, kindness, authenticity—and choices made from love can only serve ourselves and our world positively. 

Love’s got the power. 

— Scott Stabile (Writer & Breathwork Guide. Stabile’s mission is to spread as much love as possible. His parents were shot to death when he was 14 and his brother OD’d on heroin 9 years later. He grew up around a lot of addiction, dysfunction, tragedy and shame over being gay, which he hid for some time).

I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty inspired by Scott Stabile. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Strong enough to choose yourself…

The amount of strength it takes to choose to be alone 

instead of poorly surrounded, is extremely underrated.

If you were strong enough to choose yourself, 

I honor you.

— Xavier Dagba (Trauma-informed, transformational life coach, speaker, blogger. Dagba believes in illuminating and integrating one’s “shadow self” in order to shed personal limitations and embrace repressed powers. He feels this work allows one to live from the heart, rather than being held back by old wounds). 

My favourite therapist targets defining moments from childhood because (and I’m paraphrasing of course) he says we have limited, to no capacity, to understand or deal with our feelings and reactions back then. As an adult, we can go back in time, learn how to express ourselves, and process the traumatic event(s) in a healthy way. It’s not easy work, but for me there was always a light at the end of the tunnel, and life has continued to get better and better. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Cord cutting…

Say out loud:

“I (your name) release (their name) from my life.

May they no longer have access to me in any realm, in any form.

I am removed from them physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally and energetically.

I forgive them and myself for any harm done, as that is the past and so are they.

I am free from this attachment.

I am free from any toxicity.

I am free.”

— Unknown

I’ve been working with this lately, and I find the exercise calming and helpful. Avoiding the who’s wrong and who’s right argument feels kind, and empowering, somehow. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Chatgirl