Going through something...

You know you're going through something when the last bottle of alcohol in your house is champagne and you're drinking it by yourself on a Wednesday night... sitting on the floor, popping the cork in the hallway, so as not to shatter anything in the kitchen. (My own little Bridget Jones moment, Lol!) You're painfully aware of the toasting tradition in that moment and you think f--k it! I'm toasting to my liberation from a relationship I needed out of anyway. And the question begs - why is it so hard to get over something you needed to get out of to begin with!? Okay, so you feel duped because your ex had an affair behind your back (with someone you knew) and you had to suffer running into them at Home Depot four days after you've moved out, and see that they're picking a new paint colour for what was your office. Seriously?! There was no proper good-bye. There was no honouring of four years of commitment and shared holidays, birthdays, friends, families. The ending was ripped from reality and you're left to catch up. I think what hurts the most is realizing I was the architect of my own demise. I sat there, suffering in silence, denying my truth. I denied my deepest needs and in the meantime, my partner chose a different life, a different partner and I was most certainly left holding my own bag. Ouch. Feeling the fool is no joke. So what do you do with that? Well, I guess you get really honest with yourself. You vow you'll never ignore yourself again. You'll pay attention and make sure you listen to that inner voice screaming at you to make a move. You are suddenly so raw that you're incapable of anything but emotional honesty. A sort of freeing numbness follows the pain of a sudden and shocking betrayal. You watch yourself in a bit of a sleepwalking haze, rebounding all over the place, forcing yourself to try on new things and new people. I guess one can't expect anything to feel "right" for a while. One thing's for sure - you don't want to go through something like this under a microscope. Enter the avoidance of family functions and lots of nights escaping with friends who never judge you and/or hiding under the covers watching loads and loads of great TV dramas.

At some point the pity party must come to an end, and it does, but it's a little bit like watching paint dry. Reflection has it's time frame and pacing. At the end of the day, we will have to reckon with what next? Who next? How do I choose better the next time around? One thing is for sure - there will be no denying, no ignoring, no hiding, no silence. There will be honesty, there will be feelings, there will be an honouring of self first and foremost. That should be a good start!

Blessings,

Chatgirl