Speaking up...

Sometimes things need to be said, no matter how painful and uncomfortable. This has been one of my biggest challenges in life. I have run from tension like a scared shitless kid. There is nothing I like less than conflict and ruffled feathers. Typically when I've been upset, I've stewed in it and/or complained to anyone other than the person I'm having the issue with. Total useless avoidance and this is nothing to be proud of. Period. Simply put, I've been too afraid to face the difficult issues and the person who's feeling pissy. I have good reason for being afraid of conflict... I'll spare you the gory details, but let's just say that the "Godfather" (Al Pacino's character in Godfather Part 2) had nothin' on my Calabrese (S. Italy) father. When my Dad called (always at a yell!), you either jumped or wet your pants. I'm not trying to make excuses by any means because I do believe in owning what's ours, no matter what we've been saddled with in life... but I'm just sayin' that the conflict I experienced growing up left permanent scaredy pants scar tissue ;) ... so, getting back to the task at hand... speaking up! Finally! After many years of therapy, much life coaching, endless relationship workshops, a psychology degree and 2 failed marriages, I have learned how to address friction. One of my favourite therapists tells me it takes a great deal of "emotional courage and emotional honesty" to speak up and speak about the challenges we face in our relationships. Of course we need to learn how to say things nicely!! We will likely cause more harm than good if we're streaming angry/confrontational/blaming words at a person who's already frayed. BUT! If we're able to be calm, compassionate and understanding and speak about how we're feeling, the conversation will likely go well. If we are able to invite the other person to tell us about their experience and feelings, both people have a shot at being heard. Then we can move forward with a better understanding of one another and perhaps offer or make requests for small adjustments in our behaviour. At the end of the day, the air is clear, we know each other better and we probably have more respect for ourself and the other person. I've pulled this off of late and I can't believe the sense of accomplishment. This sort of discussion somehow let's us be who we are and allows us to feel ok, whatever our short comings. It's also not as scary to think of making slight changes and it feels great to be truly heard! Hugs :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl