Change your mind, change your life…

Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life. If you continue to believe as you have always believed, you will continue to act as you have always acted. If you continue to act as you’ve always acted, you will continue to get what you’ve always gotten. 

If you want different results in your life or your work, all you have to do is change your mind.

— Anonymous 

I can attest to that. I’ve had two life altering experiencing that changed my thinking permanently. I turned a final, painful and humiliating break up into a substantial halt on dating, and full accountability for my role in my failed relationships. I also learned how to choose a more suited partner, as I realized that all of my past relationships had significant deal breakers that I had either been unaware of, or ignored in order to drive that round peg into the square hole. My other significant life event was a near bankruptcy after the 2008 financial crisis. Fortunately, I learned how to NOT spend money. I had no choice during my lean years, but I never returned to the old habits of shopping for pricey garments and failing to track my finances properly. The end result was going from a year’s worth of salary in debt to ZERO debt and $600,000 in cash and assets in less than ten years. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck to you. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

If it drains you, it’s not for you…

Love, friendships, jobs. Anything meant for you will nourish you, not exhaust you. If you constantly feel depleted after being around someone or something, it’s not aligned with your soul. 

Your peace is the biggest sign of what belongs in your life. Protect it.

— Unknown

I wish I could talk to my younger self about this. I spent far too many hours, days and years walking on egg shells, accommodating other people’s moods, and antics, frankly. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

My therapist once told me…

The moment you stop seeking closure, explanations, and apologies is the moment you set yourself free. Not everyone will right their wrongs. Not everyone will understand the damage they caused. And waiting for them to do so only keeps you stuck. 

Heal for yourself. Move on without the apology. Elevate without the validation.

Because the best revenge isn’t proving a point, it’s living so fully and freely that nothing from the past can touch you.

— Anonymous

I believe my favourite therapist would say, you still may need to process your feelings and experience around significant moments of trauma. Repressed emotion can really get stuck in your subconscious and conscious mind, and can actually cause physical illness. I should know. I’m dealing with an early cancer diagnosis, and my therapist is certain that repressed emotion is a big factor. So we’ve gone back to the drawing board and we’ve uncovered some really old stuff that we hadn’t gotten to. It’s about feelings of parental rejection/neglect and a lack of overall safety in my family of origin. It’s tough stuff, and I’m glad to finally be tackling it. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Family patterns that are signs of dysfunction…

• Moving on by pretending like nothing happened.
• Staying silent when things need to be addressed.
• Always having to be the bigger person.
• Having to walk on eggshells because someone can’t manage their emotions.
• Pleasing the person with the most dysfunction to keep the peace.

— Unknown 

My family patterns most definitely set me up for dysfunctional friendships and love relationships. Fortunately, it’s never too late to learn a different way. It’s taken loads of therapy and relationship to understand and establish healthy boundaries and healing communication. Life really is so much better when you don’t have to walk on egg shells anymore. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Learn to say no—it’s a superpower…

• Health is the real wealth—protect it early
• Time moves fast—don’t waste it
• Skills pay more than degrees—keep learning
• Friends come and go—family is forever
• Save money when you don’t need it—you’ll thank yourself later
• Choose peace over drama—it’s not worth your energy
• Your daily habits shape your future, not motivation
• The world owes you nothing—work for what you want
• Learn to say no—it’s a superpower
• Mental health is just as important as physical health
• Nobody is thinking about you as much as you think
• Never stop growing—age doesn’t mean stop evolving

— Unknown

Reading this list, I have a lot of compassion for my younger self. There is so much I didn’t know, so much I didn’t understand. I had a serious lack of awareness around my needs and wants, and around the importance of healthy boundaries. I didn’t realize I was choosing, or “allowing” drama over peace. It’s never too late to learn though, that’s all I can say. Life is infinitely better with healthy relationship skills and respectful boundaries. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

You deserve a calm love…

with someone who sees you, hears you, understands you, appreciates you, supports you, and loves you. You deserve someone who brings you peace, calmness, and consistency. A safe space with someone who brings out your soft side — not your survival side.

— Unknown 

My parents were basically at war throughout my childhood and beyond, so I certainly didn’t learn about healthy relationship modelling. I feel like all of my relationship choices were pretty good by comparison. But I learned, the hard way, that an excellent match AND good relationship skills are pretty critical and achieving a sound relationship. Above all, I needed to learn about my own wants and needs and then be willing to communicate them to my partner. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

It’s ok to not be okay…

Life is a journey filled with a lot of beautiful moments but also with many difficult times. 

There is only so much you can handle, so be patient because eventually things will get better and so will you.

— Unknown 

I think I check most of the hard knocks boxes, other than losing a child, which I cannot imagine. I’ve survived job loss during the scary 2008 financial crisis, where jobs in my field were just gone for the better part of 3 years (so I had HUGE compassion for folks on the wrong side of the pandemic era), near bankruptcy, divorce, and a series of betrayals over the years, by a friend/a romantic partner/a boss and actual family members. Ouch. In my experience though, there’s a better life waiting on the other side. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Take a think week, or moment?…

Twice a year, Bill Gates goes somewhere secluded to have a “Think week.” All communications with his family, friends and employees are banned. He brings stacks of books and uses this time to read, come up with new ideas and work on personal development. 

“A lot of breakthroughs at Microsoft stemmed from these ‘Think Weeks.’”

— Bill Gates 

I do believe I take a think break every morning over coffee. No question, this ritual saved me during life’s worst moments; divorce, job loss, near bankruptcy, family betrayal. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Come back to yourself…

When life feels heavy and everything seems too much, take a moment to pause. Breathe deeply. Come back to yourself. You may not be able to stop the storm around you, but you can choose how you move through it. Your peace is your power. In the middle of chaos, staying calm is a quiet kind of strength. Don’t rush— just breathe, reset, and take it one step at a time. 

You’ve handled hard things before, and you will again.

— Unknown

I have certainly found breathing exercises and meditation helpful during moments of stress. I’ve actually excused myself from meetings to sit in a bathroom stall and centre myself. But when it comes to life’s more profound moments in life, such as divorce, job loss, death of a loved one, I have found myself ill equipped to deal. And my favourite therapist saves me every time. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

You can be a kind person and still prioritize your needs…

You can be a kind person and still:

• Say no
• Prioritize your needs
• Set boundaries 
• Disagree with people
• Be honest
• Challenge poor behaviour
• Walk away from toxic environments
• Make mistakes
• Stand up for yourself 
• Protect your time and space

— @h.e.l.e.n.m.a.r.i.e 

It took much therapy to learn this lesson. My family of origin did not set me up to “have my own back”, as per my favourite therapist. So I’ve had to go back to relationship/communication skills school, via many, many therapist led weekend seminars, to understand my needs and to create boundaries around those priorities. It hasn’t been an easy, or overnight education. And frankly some people have fallen out of my life, which sucks. But a mountain of stress has also fallen away, and what a relief it is. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Just believe in it. Believe in yourself…

Believe in it until it 

manifests for you. 

Don’t overthink how it will happen.

Don’t worry about when it will happen.

Just believe in it.

Believe in yourself.

Allow it. Trust it.

Let things unfold naturally.

— Unknown

There’s always something I’m pursuing. And it’s always a process. Waiting plays a big role, and trying to determine the right course of action demands energy as well. But I do believe in “putting it out there” and “surrendering the Universe” because this sort of faith has served me well, every time. So I will allow things to unfold as naturally as possible. Specifically, I’ve written a little book about finding the perfect love of my life, and I’m deciding between formally securing a publisher or self-publishing. I’ll let you know how it goes. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Forget doctors - use these life hacks…

Forget doctors… Use these tricks

• Drink warm water before meals - boosts digestion and detoxes your gut
• Sleep before 11 PM - heals your brain and balances hormones
• Walk 30 minutes daily - strengthens heart, brain and bones
• Sit in the sun for 15 minutes - natural vitamin D = stronger immunity 
• Eat slowly, chew properly - improves digestion and prevents overeating
• Don’t use phones for 1 hour after waking - keeps mind calm and focused
• Have 1 fruit on an empty stomach - cleanses your system and energizes you
• Practice deep breathing for 5 minutes - reduces stress, anxiety, and blood pressure
• Keep your gut clean - your gut controls your mood, skin and immunity 

— Unknown 

I’m sure I can manage to incorporate a few of these. Why not! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessing,

Chatgirl 

Boundaries are essential for mental health…

Some thoughts on boundaries from a therapist:

• You are allowed to say no and still be a kind person.
• How someone reacts to your boundary speaks loudly.
• Boundaries are essential for your mental health.
• You shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for setting a boundary.
• Boundaries may be fluid and need regular editing.
• You are within your own rights to set a boundary.
• Boundaries should be respected.
• You do not need to over explain your boundary.
• Those who react negatively are often the reason why the boundary was needed.

— Unknown 

Well, I can tell you I didn’t learn a thing about boundaries growing up. My parents taught me some useful skills, but emotional intelligence and healthy relationship skills were not among them. I had to seek out such valuable skills via therapy and relationship workshops. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Be selective in your focus…

Energy is the currency of the universe. 

When you “pay” attention to something, you buy that experience. So when you allow your consciousness to focus on someone or something that annoys you, you feed it your energy, and it reciprocates the experience of being annoyed. Be selective in your focus because your attention feeds the energy of it and keeps it alive; not just within you, but in the collective unconscious as well.

— Unknown 

I’ve heard this expressed in many ways. For example, you hear “What you focus on expands”. So whatever we think about, and potentially ruminate about, can leave us stuck in negative and harmful thoughts and feelings. I certainly needed help getting past my final break up. I was stubbornly entrenched in anger and hurt when I discovered an affair, and big big betrayal, with someone from our inner circle. Even worse, I had actually betrayed myself. In truth, I had been moving away from the relationship for about a year, but just didn’t tell my partner, and I didn’t move out. So the person I was most angry with was me. My favourite therapist helped me understand why I dragged my heels on the break up. He also helped me understand that my choice of partner wasn’t a sound match from the get go. Yikes. Fortunately, I was able to readjust my compass, and understand what sort of person would fit well into my life. I ended up finding the love of my life about a year later, and we just had our 10 year anniversary this week. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Rescuing your self-worth…

Never get your sense of worth from outside yourself. Never fall into the trap of thinking that who you are isn’t enough, and that you need other people’s approval, love and validation in order to feel that you’re of value.

Never allow external things, places, people and circumstances to determine or tell you how much you’re worth. 

It’s called self worth for a reason.

— Luminita Saviuc/Power of /Wordz/ig

Unfortunately, my self-worth was legitimately compromised by my family of origin. Even though I was a top performer; Honour Roll student, Captain of the basketball team, scholarship winner, employee of the month twice at work, worked two jobs and tutored through high school and college, soloist for the bands and choirs, etc., I was tragically short on praise at home. My parents were highly focused on tough love, believing this was most important in raising high quality adults. I don’t mind tough love actually. I think it teaches a lot of accountability and ownership. But I wish there could have been more balance, with love, compassion and praise when fairly earned. This somewhat military upbringing left me feeling not good enough, regardless of the multitude of kudo’s I received outside the home. It’s taken a lot of therapy to overcome the lack of acknowledgement and appreciation I grew up with. And even still, I love my atta girls. So clearly self-worth is complicated, with deep roots and takes care and cultivation. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Let go of…

• Needing to have it all “figured out.” Embrace the reality of not having all the answers.
• Dwelling on what could have been. Focus on the opportunities and paths in front of you.
• Trying to please everyone. What’s most important is that you’re happy with yourself. 
• Being overly self-critical. Acknowledge your mistakes with a compassionate perspective.
• Trying to avoid mistakes. Failure is a natural part of learning, growth and success.
• Holding grudges. They hinder your happiness.

— Saba Powell, M.A., LPC, @curly_therapist 

My favourite line is “Failure is a natural part of learning, growth and success.” I also like “Acknowledge your mistakes with a compassionate perspective.” Personally, I’ve been beating myself up for not being further ahead financially, in career, and in lifestyle. I just thought I’d have more “success” and financial freedom at this point. However, I was also road kill during the 2008 financial crisis, which profoundly set me back. I’ve also been willing to take a LOT of calculated risks in pursuit of the ultimate entrepreneurial endeavour. And for that, I’ll give myself a big credit. I don’t give up! And I’m keeping my dream and vision of the perfect life close to my heart and soul. Wish me luck! Just sayin’ : ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Are you a giver?…

If you are a giver, please know your limits

because the takers don’t have any.

— Unknown 

I’ve had to learn to take responsibility for over-giving, actually. My favourite therapist says this is a coping strategy that can be shifted. It feels good to take better care of myself, and to have life in better balance. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Be clear…

Focus less on what you need to do, and more on what you need to be. 

Be clear.

Clarity is one of the most important keys to manifesting what you want. 

If your thoughts aren’t clear, then the Universe doesn’t know how or what to give you. 

— Unknown

Another thing I wish I could go back and tell my younger self. I can see where I wasn’t clear in my needs and wants in relationships. I can see where I wasn’t clear at work, in presenting a sound, and compelling business case for resources needed. I can see where I wasn’t even clear with myself about what I wanted and needed. Once I figured this out, wow. Game changer. I began to get exactly what I asked for, and then some. It’s sort of miraculous actually. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Six moments that change a woman forever…

1. The loss of her mother

2. The loss of her father

3. Betrayal by someone she trusted

4. Experiencing heartbreak

5. Losing everything and rebuilding from scratch

6. Accepting that no one is coming to rescue her. 

— Unknown 

Wow, I’ve endured each and every one of these, and it makes me realize just how much I’ve come through. They’re right— whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And you can rest proud, knowing you’re resilient and that you can deal with whatever else may come along. Just sayin’ ; Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

 

Forgiveness not a one time thing…

Every time you remember, forgive again

Forgiveness is not a one time thing. You will choose it repeatedly, over and over again—even if the offence and sin happened years ago. So it’s good to be reminded that every time you remember, choose to forgive again. For your freedom, joy, and peace. Don’t allow bitterness and pride to be planted and grow in your heart. Surrender it quickly…

 — joenasandiego

I have found this to be particularly true. Just when I thought I’d moved past certain hurts and/or betrayals, the old feelings would rear up again. As a matter of fact, after sort of graduating from 3+ years of intensive, individual and group therapy, I find myself back in “the work” again. I went about ten years feeling good, managing on my own. Then my mother died, left a messy and hurtful will situation, and sent me into a fresh tail spin. I hit the wall and knew I couldn’t go it alone. And thank God. My therapist is my hero. The compassion, kindness and cathartic exercises are nothing short of miraculous, and deeply spiritual actually. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Communicating feelings and desires more openly…

I am happier since I

• Started believing that I can do hard things.
• Decided to focus on progress not perfection.
• Started communicating my feelings and desires more openly. 
• Began paying more attention to where I put my time and energy.
• Realized I do not have to figure everything out all at once.
• Became intentional about appreciating the small beautiful moments of my everyday life.
• Chose to focus on things in my control and letting go of what is out of my control.

— Nawal Moustafa: M.A. @thebraincoach

It took me a long time to communicate openly, even with myself perhaps. I took pride in being a low-maintenance, independent babe. And I thought I was easy going, flexible and happy to go along and get along. This eventually wore thin, however, and led to mismatched relationships. I finally had to get real honest with myself and know that I do not like skiing, the cold, museums, musicals etc etc. I now spend my precious free time doing things I love, and with my perfect partner, who also likes to do such things. Fewf! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Not everyone is on the same journey…

The Train Station Theory

Life is like a train station.

People come and go. 

Some stay for a few stops.

Some ride with you for miles.

Some leave before you’re ready to say goodbye.

But every person teaches you something,

even if they’re not meant to stay forever.

The key is knowing when to hold on, 

and when to let them catch their next train.

Because not everyone is on the same journey, 

and that’s okay.

— Unknown 

I don’t know about you, but I become very attached to people, even when things have gone south. In fact, I’ve been notoriously bad at leaving relationships. I wish I could go back in time and share this train station analogy with my younger self. The explanation is kind, and makes a lot of sense. I can accept that. Just sayin’ : ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Your body keeps the score…

 12 truths from therapy that may just change your life:

• Thoughts are not facts
• Your past does not define your future
• Perfectionism is a myth
• Change begins with self-acceptance
• There is power in your vulnerability 
• You can’t change others, just yourself
• Forgiveness is for you not the other person
• You can change
• Your inner critic is not your friend 
• Your body keeps the score
• You are not responsible for other peoples happiness
• It’s OK to walk away from toxic relationships

Another note about yesterday’s quote. My favourite therapist says to feel into our bodies to determine what’s going on; how we’re feeling, is everything okay? And there is some evidence to suggest that our emotional issues land on our bodies physically; migraines, ulcers, digestive issues. For me, it’s always been digestive issues. I’m working with my therapist as we speak! He feels it’s about blocked emotion, and unresolved childhood trauma. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

12 truths from therapy…

12 truths from therapy that may just change your life:

• Thoughts are not facts
• Your past does not define your future
• Perfectionism is a myth
• Change begins with self-acceptance
• There is power in your vulnerability 
• You can’t change others, just yourself
• Forgiveness is for you not the other person
• You can change
• Your inner critic is not your friend 
• Your body keeps the score
• You are not responsible for other peoples happiness
• It’s OK to walk away from toxic relationships

Perfectionism is something I’ve needed to address. My neat freak tendencies are one thing, but needing life to be “sunny and sunnier”, as per my favourite therapist’s insight, is a whole other thing. My childhood was defined by unpredictability and fear, so I understand the resulting desire, and need really, to control my environment. The hope is, of course, to put past trauma to rest, and not continue such stressful, and often unconscious coping mechanisms. Just sayin’ : ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

If you want others to see you, you must see yourself…

Be the love you never received. Be the acknowledgment you never got. Be the listener you always needed. Look at the younger versions of yourself within you and give yourself what it is you always needed.

That is the first step of healing. If you want others to see you, you must see yourself. 

— Vienna Pharaon

I was exposed to this sort of philosophy and guidance when I was younger, and honestly I didn’t get it. It took professional help for me to “see myself”, which means I learned to accept myself for who I am, and allowed me to figure out what I want, and what I don’t want. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Things to unlearn…

• Seeking external validation instead of self assurance
• Pretending like I’m fine instead of asking for support
• Worth is determined by success
• Sacrificing my voice/beliefs to avoid conflict
• Society’s beauty standards
• Uncomfortable feelings are bad or wrong
• Making myself smaller to fit into social situations
• Trying to ‘win’ the argument
• That I have to feel happy all the time
• I must earn a break or rest
• Ignoring my own boundaries to please other people

— @immovableminds

This list pretty much summarizes what I learned in therapy. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Sometimes growth looks like…

Knowing that you are not responsible for other people’s bad moods, silent treatment, negative reactions to your boundaries, lack of emotional maturity or victim mentality.

— @h.e.l.e.n.m.a.r.i.e.

I’ve had quite the epiphany recently. I used to be more “Switzerland” in my relationships, with the bandwidth to hold space for others. I was happy to listen, with openness, and appreciate whatever mood/grievance this person had, with curiosity and support. Even if the energy coming back had a fair bit of emotional weight at times. But as I’ve aged, the demands on my own well being have required a preservation of my energy and psyche. Simply put, I ran out of steam (which is very common with women of a certain age. The big “change” and all that). I needed to pull back in a big, perhaps startling way, and  this self-retreat landed badly on some of my important relationships. In hindsight, I wish I could have communicated better about my needs and experience along the way. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Healing happens by feeling…

Instead of drinking it away, smoking it away, sleeping it away, eating it away, or running from it.

Just sit with it.

Healing happens by feeling. 

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist says we cannot feel what we deny, and we cannot heal what we cannot feel. I have not particularly wanted to investigate my childhood wounds, but the written exercises and group work have been surprisingly cathartic (in group therapy, emotions can bubble up by listening to other painful stories in the room). And then, happily, some of the old stuff is miraculously released upward, like light lanterns in the sky. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

The coolest people…

The coolest people I know:

• Don’t respond to negativity
• Don’t speak poorly about others
• Show up on time
• Give without expectations
• Deliberately optimistic
• Don’t nitpick or brag
• Show gratitude
• Have good manners
• Make no excuses
• Random acts of kindness

— Unknown 

I continue to work on the first one. At the beginning of my healing journey, my therapist said (and I’m paraphrasing here) “You want life to be sunny and sunnier, but this leaves you with a broken compass. You need all of your emotions, even the ‘bad’ ones, because your feelings provide valuable information that you need to make healthy decisions.” I still don’t like anger and negativity, but I realize these feelings have a place and need to be addressed. Just sayin’  ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

You don’t have a disorder—you have a survival response…

• ADHD - your brain is trying to adapt to a chaotic, distracted world
• Anxiety - your body is detecting a threat your conscious mind is ignoring
• Depression - your energy has been redirected into deep internal repair
• OCD - your brain is trying to create safety through control
• Panic attacks - your body is offloading chronic stress it can no longer hold
• Bipolar - your nervous system is swinging between burnout and survival mode
• Dissociation - your soul is pulling the plug to protect itself 

— Unknown 

I had a feeling my neat freak tendencies were due to control issues, Lol. But seriously though, I can check a few of these boxes. What I’ve learned from intensive therapy is that hidden issues from childhood trauma tend to affect our most important relationships, and potentially land on our health as well. I pursued therapy to save my marriage at the time, and I’m so glad I did. We didn’t save the relationship, but we saved ourselves and we both moved on to better matched, healthier and happier relationships. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Healing involves healthy grieving…

Ironically, when we start to get better, we also start to get sad - because we realize how much we’ve missed out on, how badly certain people failed us, what the younger version of us actually deserved. 

Healing involves healthy grieving.  

No way around it. 

— Unknown 

What I’m learning is that trauma is very likely to land on our physical body and affect our health. Yikes. I’ve read that not all people who suffer trauma, end up with disease. But most people with disease have suffered trauma. In other words, it’s likely preventative medicine to take care of our mental and emotional health. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

How to move through big emotions…

• Pause and acknowledge the emotion — give it space and time
• Sense the emotion in your body — where do I feel it (e.g. tightness in the chest, muscle tension, stomach cramps, jaws clenched, pounding heart…)
• Name the emotion (e.g. I feel sad/happiness/fear…)
• Remember — you are safe & all emotions pass
• Attribute the cause — what caused it to appear? What happened right before it appeared?
• Decode its message — why is it visiting me? What message does it have & what need is wanting to be met?
• Act — decide how to cope and act
• Let it go — when you feel ready, let the emotion go in a safe way that works for you

— @mymentalhealthspace

My favourite therapist says it is absolutely critical to feel what we’re feeling. And to go back in time and address unexpressed/blocked, and likely problematic, emotions from our childhood. He also believes in writing about, and answering poignant questions about these formative experiences, so that our emotions can bubble up to be healed. I’ve found written work to be cathartic, and quite a relief frankly. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Get back to yourself…

Sometimes it’s okay to disappear from this chaotic world 

to get back to yourself.

— Unknown 

I had heard about “going inward” and needing to love yourself first, and all that, but I didn’t really understand what that meant and how to do it. Fortunately, I ended up in therapy. In truth, I was only there to save my relationship. But I soon realized I had baggage, and that baggage was preventing me from having a healthy relationship. The more “work” I do, the better my relationship(s), and the better my life is overall. I’ve never looked back. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Let it hurt, then let it heal…

If I could tell 

you anything to save you the time and the lessons in this life, I would tell you to never let anything that happens to you turn you bitter. Don’t let the pain of something that was out of your hands turn you cold, love. Stay soft, as hard as that is sometimes, try. Try with all of your heart to stay tender. I know there’s a lot of things that hurt, take us to our knees and threaten our hearts with a stone cold grudge. Let it go. You can’t change it, but you can choose to not let it change you. Don’t let the pain define you. You are bigger than that. I hope you know. You are never how someone makes you feel. Let it hurt, then let it heal. But don’t linger there. 

Remember who you are and rise. 

—Stephanie B. Henry 

My favourite therapist says we can’t feel what we deny. And we cannot heal what we cannot feel. It’s a bit counter-intuitive because no one really wants to go back and relive crappy, possibly traumatic, experiences. But, these damaging experiences are said to wreak havoc on our lives and relationships, so there’s real upside in offloading some of the old baggage. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Things mentally strong people do…

• They move on. The don’t waste time feeling sorry for themselves.
• They embrace change. They welcome challenges.
• They stay happy. They don’t waste energy on things they cannot control.
• They are kind, fair, and unafraid to speak up.
• They are willing to take calculated risks.
• They celebrate other people’s success. They don’t resent that success.

— Unknown

I’ve been thinking a lot about life’s challenges. And I’ve had quite a few big ones. I’m in the middle of a scary health situation right now, and a lot of people are reaching out regularly, which is completely lovely and appreciated. Thing is, on some level no one can help you. In the quiet moments, you are left to manage yourself, your emotions, your thoughts, your fears. I’ve certainly been the stronger for overcoming my challenges, but you still have to go through the process. And the biggest ones tend to be lengthy; such as looking for a new job, mourning an old relationship/finding a new partner, enduring a betrayal, overcoming financial straits, and God forbid navigating a health crisis. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Life is not a fairy tale…

Most difficult yet comforting things to accept about life

• Everyone is insecure about something. It’s not just you.
• You will never be 100% sure about decisions you made. But always make a decision because it’s better to go back and fix it than to never make it at all.
• There is always someone better than you. So there’s not point to compare.
• There’s nothing in life you can really control except your own thoughts and actions. So always hope for the best and prepare for the worst. 
• Nothings lasts forever. Things change. People change. And YOU can change anytime too.
• Life is not a fairy tale. That’s why it’s always exciting and you’ll never be bored. 
• Hard work doesn’t guarantee success. But that’s what makes it challenging. 

— Unknown 

Life is most definitely NOT a fairy tale, Lol. I’ve faced most of the big traumatic life experiences; job loss, near bankruptcy, failed entrepreneurial endeavours, a couple of heavy betrayals (mother, and ex-partner), divorce… and presently, a big health scare. Yikes. When one of these epic and gruelling moments lands, it’s surreal. I think you get better at coping though, taking it day by day, and knowing you are strong enough to endure. The blood, sweat and tears don’t rattle you quite as much and you can commit to being the better for it. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Hugging is communication…

Hugging is 

The most beautiful form of communication 

that allows the other person to know 

beyond a doubt 

that they matter.

— AnxiousAndy 

Here here. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Emotional maturity looks like…

• Not engaging in conversations with people who are committed to misunderstanding you.
• Disengaging from other people’s drama.
• Not playing other people’s games.
• Not having to share your side of the story.
• Seeing the part you may play in situations.
• Learning that everyone has their own lens.
• Learning not to take things personally.
• Pausing before responding.
• Knowing that actions speak louder than words.
• Taking responsibility for your own life & choices.

— @h.e.l.e.n.m.a.r.i.e

With age, I’ve realized that some dynamics are more difficult than others. And this applies to love, family, friendships and colleagues. Even acquaintances and neighbours. Some people just rub each other the wrong way and there’s no fixing it. So I’m trying to limit time around such dynamics. Just sayin’  ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Dreams reveal our emotional truth…

Psychologists say… 

• The happier you are the less sleep you require to function in every day life. Sadness increases the urge to sleep.
• Dreams reveal feelings that we’ve hidden or repressed because dreams are a reflection of our unconscious mind, our emotional truth.
• The unhappiest people in the world are the ones who care what everyone thinks about them.
• By thinking one positive thought every morning, you can psychologically trick your brain into being a happier person.
• Walking increases brain activity.
• Intelligent people are more likely to avoid conflict, which explains why some people notice everything but choose to say nothing.

— @quotesshotsofwisdom

I’ve often wondered about the more stressful, fearful dreams, that feel kinda movie-like. It’s worth investigating further, that’s for sure. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Being happy doesn’t mean you have it all…

Remember, being happy doesn’t mean you have it all.

It simply means you’re thankful for all you have.

— Unknown 

I can certainly fall into the trap of wanting bigger (closet space, Lol!), better (business class anyone?), more (longer warm vacations!). But I also need to remind myself to appreciate and enjoy the lifestyle I already have, which is pretty comfortable. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Some people are human medicine…

Some people are human medicine.

You spend an hour with them and everything feels better.

— Unknown 

We should spend more time around such people, right? And be someone who offers the same in kind (feel good, positive, calm, present, great listener?). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Things that exist, but you can’t see…

• All the compliments that people have thought of you but never shared.
• Your tiny cells fighting together to keep you alive. 
• How proud little you would be of the person you’ve become.
• You showing up in others’ dreams.
• Your endless potential and power to create whatever your heart desires.
• People thinking of you and smiling. 
• How much you’ve already healed. 

— @latenightepiphanies_

Being the touch’y-feel’y girl that I am, I love such sentiments. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Life changes…

You lose love. You lose friends.

You lose pieces of yourself that you never imagined would be gone.

And then, without you even realizing it, these pieces come back.

New love enters. Better friends come along. And a stronger, wiser you 

is staring back in the mirror.

— Unknown

I have lost love. I have lost friends. I have faced betrayal (in love, friendship and at the hands of my mother!). I have survived divorce, job loss, near bankruptcy and a health scare. I find I’ve taken a keen interest in how I manage my emotions and thoughts during a crisis, particularly during the not knowing phase. The emotions feel scary. The thoughts are often worse. And thank GOD for my spiritual fall back, because this has allowed me to surrender, as best as possible, and let life be what it is. The brain wants to nail down facts and find solutions, comparing all the various scary scenarios. And this can be a brutal roller coaster ride. For me, leaning into faith brings a sense of calm and makes life feel more manageable. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Some things you won’t get over…

There will be some things you won’t get over.  

Some things that will sting you so hard they will set you back to where you started. And you will hurt and hurt and hurt. But you will also rise from it. You will learn from the past. You will adapt and survive no matter how hard it gets. You will shape your own reality and accept how you should never settle for anything less than you deserve.

— r.m. Drake 

It took me years to get over my last break up. I was soooo mad at myself because in truth I was done a full year before things fell apart. I kind of left the relationship without moving out. I had been moving away on every level, but wasn’t truthful about the extent of things. More importantly, I wasn’t honest with myself. And did I ever pay for that. He ended up falling in love with someone else, in the middle of the relationship (someone from our inner circle) and things ended in a sudden, shocking, and humiliating way. I understand why I delayed. I wasn’t certain that a better relationship was possible, and I was afraid of being single in my city, which is notoriously low on eligible bachelors. But what I learned is that you either have a great match, or you’ll have a challenging relationship that will likely fall apart anyway. Fortunately, I learned my lesson. I decided I’d rather be alone forever than go through another break up and I took the time to understand myself, my needs, my wants, my can’t live with’s and my can’t live withouts. And I realized that each of my past partners actually had serious deal breakers. Duh. So I hadn’t been selective enough in choosing a life partner. I ended up meeting my perfect partner and love of my life within a year. Just sayin’ : ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Time doesn’t heal…

Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it just gives them some space to sink into the subconscious where they still impact your emotions and behaviours. What heals is going inward, loving yourself, accepting yourself, listening to your needs, addressing your attachments and emotional history, and learning how to let go and follow your intuition.

— Yung Pueblo (Diego Perez is a Mediator and # 1 New York Times bestselling author, who goes by the pen name Yung Pueblo. He has an online following of 4 million, and has sold over 1.5 million books. His focus is on the power of self-healing and creating healthy relationships).

My favourite therapist says relationships are a great litmus test for how we’re doing emotionally because loved ones tend to get under our skin and trigger unresolved emotional issues. And this actually presents an opportunity to address our baggage, and evolve toward healthier relationships. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

When have I felt betrayed?…

Shadow Work: Journal prompts

• What’s the biggest lie I tell myself consistently?
• When am I the hardest on myself and why? Where does it stem from?
• When have I felt betrayed? What would I say to that person who broke my trust?
• What makes me feel the most jealous?
• What’s one trait I see in other people I wish I had?
• What traits do my parents have that I hope I don’t?
• What are my most toxic traits and how do I project them onto others?
• When I think about the future, what am I most afraid of?
• When was the last time I forgave myself?
• What does happiness mean to me?

— Unknown 

In therapy, particularly the group work, we answer a lot of these questions. We’re given exercises, written work, and then at some point you share out loud. It’s amazing the unexpressed emotion and hurt that pours out of you. It’s quite the catharsis, and a big relief frankly, in my experience. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

A beautiful life is designed and built with intent…

A beautiful life does not just happen. A beautiful life is selected, it is designed. It is built with a fiery intent to find joy in every little thing. It is how you fold your sheets and take your coffee in the morning. It is what you look forward to, it’s what you plan. It’s how you set your things throughout your space. We think that our greatest happiness comes spontaneously, but we often find our greatest joy in our rhythms, our routines, when we settle into a way of being that lights up every part of who we are. A beautiful life is one that reflects exactly who we are, in every way we can. 

— Brianna Wiest, Power of Wordz/ig

Another thing I figured out far too late in life, Lol. But seriously, with professional help (a traditional therapist and a life coach/energy work/osteopath), I learned how to be very honest, and accept myself for who I am, and embrace the things I enjoy doing. And I thought, if that makes me not outdoorsy enough (because I don’t like hiking or kayaking, in a city of people who love that sort of thing), or not cultured enough (because I’m bored in museums and I don’t like the ballet or opera), then so be it. I realized I was just done doing things I don’t enjoy (like cycling around a small, mostly deserted island! Because I’m a city girl who likes movies, intimate concerts, hockey games, bars, restaurants and shopping). Once I became clear on the life I want to lead, my perfect partner showed up. And the perfect job too! Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

You cannot heal what you cannot feel…

I sat with my anger and asked why it kept showing up. 

It said, “Because you’ve been hurt, and no one listened.”

I sat with my sadness and asked why it never left.

It said, “Because I’m the love and care you never received.”

I sat with my fear and asked why it controlled me. 

It said, “Because I’m the part of you that’s still waiting to feel safe.”

Then I realized these feelings weren’t my enemies. 

They were wounds, asking to be seen.

My favourite therapist says “You cannot feel what you deny. And you cannot heal what you cannot feel.”

So, in other words, a bit of emotional excavating is necessary, if we want to heal from old wounds. I’ve recently embarked on another, year long, intensive group therapy workshop (because I’m grappling with my mother’s death, and the fall out from my troubled family of origin). I continue to be surprised at the depth of hurt feelings from my upbringing. And the catharsis is incredibly freeing, and calming. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Remove yourself…

Something or someone makes you uncomfortable? Remove yourself.

You’re being placed in an unfair situation? Remove yourself.

In a one sided friendship or relationship? Remove yourself.

Is something causing your peace to be disrupted? Remove yourself. 

Remember you don’t owe a single person an explanation. You have the power to remove yourself, block, disengage, and live your life without looking back. 

Let others interpret it however they want. If it’s what’s best for you, nothing else matters. 

— Unknown 

I learned this lesson waaaaay too late in life. I stayed in relationships, jobs and friendships far too long. I know I’m not alone in resisting change, but if I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I would embrace change. Remaining stuck in something that’s not, in truth, working, is so much more tedious. And then you have the potentially crappy endings too, when you don’t leave on your own terms. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

To protect your energy…

It’s okay to cancel a commitment. 

It’s okay to not answer a call.

It’s okay to change your mind.

It’s okay to want to be alone.

It’s okay to take a day off.

It’s okay to do nothing.

It’s okay to speak.

It’s okay to let go.

— Unknown

I wish I could go back and tell my younger self. I took care of others, ahead of myself, far too often. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Uncommon advice…

If you don’t know what to pursue in life right now, 

Pursue yourself. 

Pursue becoming the healthiest, happiest, most healed, most present, most confident version of yourself.

Then the right path will reveal itself. 

— Unknown 

That is very enlightened advice. In my youth, I mostly pursued love, money, fun, adventure, security, safety. Thanks to divorce, and a savvy ex, I’ve also invested heavily in therapy and relationship courses.  Game changer. With deep emotional healing, I’ve come to cherish down time, sleep, calm and quality over quantity with friends and loved ones. Money’s still in there because I love, and need, warm vacations to get me through winter. But spending, acquiring more stuff, and climbing the corporate ladder slid down the list significantly. It’s really quite freeing. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Distancing from unhealthy energy…

Distancing yourself from people who give you negative vibes or unhealthy energy is self-care. Stepping back from situations where you feel unappreciated or disrespected is self-care. Choose to honour your feelings and boundaries, respectfully and gracefully. 

— Marc and Angel Chernoff, (Known for their Power of Wordz personal development blog, Marc and Angel believe words have the power to heal, inspire and uplift others. They encourage mindful communication, using compassion and kindness to improve the lives of those around us.)

I don’t know about you, but I experienced the opposite growing up. My favourite therapist says that most of us learn about what is NOT love, rather than what love is. I came away with some great intellectual tools, and I certainly learned how to think for myself. But boundaries, empathy and compassion were sorely missing. There was no modelling of healthy communication. Just a lot of anger and hurt feelings. Needless to say, I didn’t manage to attract and/or hold onto great relationships… until I took matters into my own hands and learned about boundaries and productive, relationship building communication. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

It is okay…

The biggest lesson I’ve learned is:

It is okay.

It’s okay for me to be kind to myself. It’s okay to be wrong. It’s okay to get mad. It’s okay to be flawed. It’s okay to be happy. It’s okay to move on.

— Hayley Williams, MyPositiveOutlooks.com

I’ve always wanted to make a meaningful contribution. And I’ve also envisioned a certain level of personal and financial freedom. I’m still striving for my ultimate dream life, but lately I’ve realized that I’ve accomplished more than I’ve given myself credit for. I never wanted to be a lifer in the day job (working for others, in business development), but I realize that my joy in being of service has translated to a career that I am actually quite proud of. If I can get to that next level, as a successful entrepreneur, it’ll be the icing on the cake. Quite a freeing realization. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Things that can be true at the same time…

• Your parents did the best they could, AND their choices wounded you.
• You love someone AND you know it’s not healthy to keep them in your life.
• You’re terrified to take the next step AND you know it’s the right thing to do. 
• You want to have healthy relationships AND unresolved trauma is making it difficult.
• You’re afraid to fail AND you believe in yourself.

— @drheidigreen

Looking back on my childhood, what bothered me, and still bothers me, is that my parents did nothing to change their crappy, damaging dynamic. My aunt and uncle put the whole family in therapy, and it served them well. I was super impressed. I just don’t understand the Groundhog Day of doing the same thing over and over again and living in hell. Which is why I go to therapy, attend weekend relationship workshops, read great books, and remain accountable for myself and my actions. I want to be part of the solution, not part of the problem. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Conserve your energy…

Don’t entertain negative energy. Some situations will test your patience and try to make you overreact, overthink, and respond to things that don’t deserve your life force. Your attention is your power. Don’t feed what doesn’t add value to your life. Conserve your energy.

— Unknown 

I remember reading a great article about coping strategies, and how some of us rely on a glass-half-full mentality to calm ourselves and maintain hope, where others prefer a more “realistic” mindset, so they’re not disappointed. I’ve just always felt better envisioning joyful outcomes. I know things don’t work out sometimes, and I’m prepared to deal with that, but I don’t want to spend a moment longer than necessary thinking about yucky stuff. I’m also spiritual and believe in co-creating one’s reality; being clear on what you want, setting goals, planning and preparing for your dreams and taking action where possible. It’s certainly worked for me over the years, having found both my ideal partner and the perfect job. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Habits with the highest rate of return in life…

1. Exercise daily, it pays off in health and energy.

2. Keep learning, growth is a lifelong journey.

3. Sleep is an investment in your productivity.

4. Practice mindfulness for peace and focus.

5. Financial discipline today ensures freedom tomorrow. 

6. Master time, and you master your life.

7. Read daily, expand your mind.

8. Set goals and create your future.

9. Build connections, they open doors.

10. Gratitude turns ordinary days into extraordinary ones.

11. Reflect often to improve constantly.

12. Learn to say no, protect your time.

13. Eat well, live well.

14. Journal to clear your mind and grow.

— Unknown

I was a late learner in finances. My father was a teacher and my mother never worked, so resources were scarce, and we were usually in debt. So no money management tips from the upbringing. But after losing my fancy, well paying job due to the 2008 financial crisis, I read Suze Orman’s book The 9 Steps to Financial Freedom, and began following much of her guidance. In a nutshell, I learned to save up for any big purchases, including vacations. I also pre-load a couple of credit cards. Spending money hugely lost it’s appeal after facing such a stressful financial crisis. And now seeing my bank balance grow, and interest earned, is way more exciting than buying a new pair of shoes, or what have you. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Ask for it…

Ask for healing, clarity, peace, wisdom, and guidance. Ask for abundance, creativity, light and love. Don’t be timid in your prayers or your request. Be bold. Be positive. Be grateful as everything you’re asking for is already making its way to you. 

— Unknown (via @Law.of.Attraction1111)

When I was going through my bad break up, I read a ton of books, with one standing above the rest. Ask and It Is Given, by Esther and Jerry Hicks, became my lifeline. The teachings helped me focus on and clarify what I wanted, which strengthened my inner resolve. I’ve always been a positive, glass-half-full person, but I achieved a better mental and emotional foundation, by incorporating many of the teachings into my morning writing ritual. Most of my dreams have since come true, and I continue to be proactive in manifesting my ultimate dream life. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

How people make you feel…

People that love you, care about how they make you feel.

The end.

— Unknown 

This is a very interesting discussion. On the surface, I agree. And I spent far too much time around people who made me feel bad (including some family). But after spending years in therapy and in relationship skills/group therapy workshops, I also know it’s not that simple. We can be boxed in my upbringing. We can box people out because of upbringing. We can rely on outdated coping mechanisms because of upbringing. And all of these things can prevent us from loving others (and ourselves) properly. For example, I used to go pretty silent and sort of paralyzed when I felt hurt, which is the most unhelpful thing ever for a relationship. And so I needed to learn, and did learn fortunately, how to articulate what was going on for me, and make requests on my behalf. What a game changer for your partner and for the health and happiness of your relationship(s). Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

This need for certainty that we all have…

Rather than 

trying to know and figure it all out, live in the curiosity of it all. You don’t have to know where you’ll be a year from now, you don’t even have to know what you’ll be doing a month from now. Move away from this need for certainty that we all have, and move toward the curiosity that we all need. Just be. Live in the moment with every bit of your life force, and enjoy the gift of the present. The treasures of your life will present themselves to you only if you really are open to them. 

— Robin Sharma  

I don’t know about you, but I felt lighter reading this. We can’t predict what’s going to happen, and worrying is down right exhausting. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Respond, don’t react…

When you react to something someone says or does, you may have a problem with boundaries. If someone is able to cause havoc by doing or saying something, she is in control of you at that point and your boundaries are lost. 

When you respond, you remain in control with options and choices. If you feel yourself reacting, step away and regain control of yourself so family members can’t force you to do or say something you do not want to do or say; and something that violates your separateness. 

When you have kept your boundaries, choose the best option. The difference between responding and reacting is choice. When you are reacting, they are in control. When you respond, you are.

— Dr Henry Cloud and Dr Joh Townsend (Book: Boundaries) 

For me, establishing healthy boundaries and learning to respond, rather than react, took therapy. Much therapy. And relationship skills education. I simply didn’t learn this stuff at home. I also had certain hot buttons, due to unresolved emotional trauma from the past (For example, my father was a tyrant who insulted my intelligence regularly). Therapy’s been cool, because now I’m able to listen with curiosity, and an interest in learning, rather than taking everything personally. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Avoid emotional dumpers?…

Emotional dumping!

1) Is talking about the sample issues over and over again

2) Leaves you feeling drained and overwhelmed

3) Doesn’t show respect for your emotional space

4) If often one-sided and goes on and on

5) Involves getting stuck in a cycle of complaints 

6) Leaves no room for solutions or accountability

— @heybobbibanks

Oh man. I’ve faced loads of this over the years. Fortunately, when my mother passed away my tolerance absolutely cratered, and much of this (negativity, complaining and blaming) fell by the way side. I am now surrounded by those focused on health, accountability and a more positive existence. It’s nice. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Wisdom from Pope Francis…

Rivers do not drink their own water; trees do not eat their own fruit; the sun does not shine on itself and flowers do not spread their fragrance for themselves. Living for others is a rule of nature. We are all born to help each other. No matter how difficult it is… Life is good when you are happy; but much better when others are happy because of you.

— Pope Francis

Such a unique and compelling perspective. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Time does not always need to be filled…

Let yourself rest

If you’re exhausted, rest.

If you don’t feel like starting a new project, don’t.

If you don’t feel the urge to make something new, just rest in the beauty of the old, the familiar, the known.

If you don’t feel like talking, stay silent. 

If you’re fed up with the news, turn it off.

If you want to postpone something until tomorrow, do it.

Feel the fullness of the emptiness, the vastness of the silence, the sheer life in your unproductive moments. 

Time does not always need to be filled.

You are enough, simply in your being. 

— Jeff Foster 

With our phones, 24 hour news cycle and endless issues, social media, wow. It really is possible to fill every second. I’m fighting the urge to reach for my phone more and more. I don’t know about you, but I’m tiring of being “on” at this point. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Wash away energy that’s not yours to carry?…

Cleansing mantra

I wash away any energy that is not mine to carry. I release myself from the burdens of the past. I nourish myself in a comforting golden light. I am restored. I am recharged. 

— Unknown 

I’ve needed professional help to achieve this, Lol. Seriously though, I learned that burdens of the past typically stem from early childhood moments and emotions that we were unable to understand and/or process at the time. We pretty much have to go back and save our little selves, sniff sniff. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

What needs weren’t met in your childhood?…

How do I reparent myself?

• Ask yourself what needs weren’t met in your childhood and what skills you didn’t learn
• Challenge negative self-talk and unhealthy beliefs and create a healthy, positive and loving view of yourself
• Learn skills that your parents couldn’t teach you — e.g. establishing healthy boundaries, emotional regulation & self-soothing, communication skills, frustration tolerance, routines and structure, accountability, joy & playfulness, trust
• Give yourself the love and compassion that you missed as a child (including self-love, self-compassion, self-awareness, self-confidence)
• Establish meaningful & healthy relationships and a support network
• Be gentle with yourself and take your time
• Practice self-care
• Consider working with a therapist

— Unknown 

Therapy has been a life line for me. I was fortunate enough to find a guru, who teaches intensive weekend and year long seminars, where I’ve been able to address many of the recommendations above. Siblings, extended family, friends and loved ones are incredible, and I’m very grateful for my inner circle, but a lack of parental support leaves quite the void. For me, group therapy has provided that compassionate, caring and safe place. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

When have I felt betrayed?…

Shadow Work: journal prompts 

• What’s the biggest lie I tell myself consistently?
• When am I the hardest on myself and why? Where does it stem from?
• When have I felt betrayed? What would I say to that person who broke my trust?
• What makes me feel the most jealous?
• What’s one trait I see in other people I wish I had?
• What traits do my parents have that I hope I don’t?
• What are my most toxic traits and how do I project them onto others?
• When I think about the future, what am I most afraid of?
• When was the last time I forgave myself?
• What does happiness mean to me? 

— Unknown 

Hmm, these are very revealing questions. I may have to write an entry for each one, Lol. But I’m going to focus on where “it all stems from”. Family of origin. (My favourite therapist says this is the case for most of us). My parents were pretty much at war. Which left my mother depressed and chronically “sick”, and my father angry and frequently volatile and violent. Our family felt blended, even though my father and mother were my actual biological parents. (They’ve both passed on. Mother fairly recently). My mother and brother were very close and she fiercely had his back (not mine or my sisters unfortunately?). My sister and I were inseparable Irish twins, so at least we had each other. My father had an ongoing rage, and the rest of us walked on egg shells. Having said all that, when was the last time I forgave myself? I like this question because it makes me realize I need to be gentler with myself. I survived and thrived, despite growing up behind the eight ball. It was all tough love growing up, which is not a warm and fuzzy situation. And the opposite to who I am and what I need. But I dusted myself off and took full accountability of my life (with the help of my trusted therapist and his brilliant healing work) instead of laying in blame. I realize I’m proud of that. And I forgive myself for anything I feel I haven’t accomplished. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Healing is not for the faint of heart, but it’s worth it…

The healing process is ugly as hell. It’s not bubble baths and aromatherapy. It’s accountability which brings guilt. It’s getting to the root of your issues which is triggering and intense. Processing trauma often means you have to relive it which isn’t easy but it’s worth it.

— PrimitiveRootsConjure.com

I attended my first weekend group therapy seminar at the urging of my partner at the time, and was instantly mesmerized. The therapist, who became my favourite, trusted therapist, opened the weekend with the disclaimer that a weekend session will not change your life. He went on to say deep healing takes time and is not for the faint of heart because you pretty much have to relive trauma in order to truly process and resolve deep rooted issues. Much of the work focuses on early childhood events and emotions, that we are unable to understand or process at the time, and that tend to keep us stuck. I became hooked on therapy, particularly group work, because of the safe space, the camaraderie and support from the other participants, and the osmosis learning from each person in the room. It’s demanding work, but the load is immensely lighter on the other side. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Healing involves healthy grieving…

Ironically, when we start to get better, we also often get sad. Because we start to realize just how much we missed out on, how badly certain people failed us, and what the younger version of us actually deserved. Healing involves healthy grieving. No way around it. 

— Unknown 

I’ve found that healing involves letting go. Of some important people too. Three or four of my trusted confidants are no longer in my life. This all followed the death of my mother and realizing there are certain things I don’t need to put up with anymore. Interestingly enough, those same people were done with me as well. Looking back, I can see the deal breakers, but I still miss those people. The parts I liked and loved. Complicated grieving. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Once you know who you really are…

Once you know who you really are, being is enough. You feel neither superior to anyone nor inferior to anyone and you have no need for approval because you’ve awakened to your own infinite worth.

— Deepak Chopra  

I must admit I’ve been in a bit of a funk since my mother died. The relationship was complicated, and what she did with her will/finances left my sister and I feeling like step sisters. Yuck. It’s one thing to lose a parent and it’s another thing feel abandoned (and punched in the kidneys) as a conclusion. Needless to say, I’m going back to individual/relationship school with my favourite therapist. He conducts these intense year long, deep healing seminars (where you give up 6 weekends throughout the year, go to weekly support groups and pick a buddy for the duration). I’ve done these seminars in the past, and although the work can be gut wrenching, there is mental/emotional freedom on the other side. I’m confident that I’ll be able to settle into myself again, and even more so. Can’t wait! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Is fear holding you back?…

The paradox of transformation 

As you embrace the parts of you that are scared & blocked, you fall into greater alignment with where you truthfully are & become more capable of transformation.

Instead of looking for your worth hustling for achievement: when you embrace your feeling of unworthiness, ironically, you see that you are whole. When you make room for stress, ironically, you feel peace. When you welcome loneliness, ironically, you feel connected. 

It’s our judgment of the fear that keeps us stuck, not the fear itself. When you aren’t afraid to acknowledge all facets of yourself, they lose their ability to hold you back. 

— TessRene.com

I experienced a radical transformation around the 2008 financial crisis. I was on the wrong side of the economy and went into big debt, with jobs in my field evaporating overnight. I found work here and there, but at frightening low pay. It was a miserable experience, and I sat with fear, anxiety and stress for many years. But, kind of brilliantly, I learned how to NOT spend money. I learned how to enjoy the simple things in life, like reading the paper over a cup of coffee and chatting with good friends. It’s also been refreshing, wearing the badge honour for having survived what felt like a huge failure… and for paying off every cent of that ugly debt, where many people I know declared bankruptcy, or secured consumer proposals (which allows you to pay off like 1/3 of what you actually owe). In summary, the scariest time of my life showed me what I’m made of, and made me stronger. Just sayin’ ; )  Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Don’t worry about other people so much…

I don’t understand how people can get so anti-something. Mind your own business, take care of your affairs, and don’t worry about other people so much. 

— Betty White

I’ve been taking deep stock of my life, having lost both parents now (father died over 20 years ago, and mother died 2 1/2 years ago). Apparently I’m going through “complicated grieving.” This is when you lose a parent you weren’t particularly close to and who was probably either abusive and/or neglectful. So, you’re not sad and missing them as much as you’re secretly relieved you no longer have to suffer the confusion of the relationship. But you’re also left so sit with the rubble, which is very much an exhaustive, emotional maze, until you can make sense of it. Anyhow, all of this processing (with professional help) has me re-thinking my priorities. I’ve seen others go through seismic shifts after the death of a parent, and I think it’s pretty normal. I’m realizing that I need to give myself credit for what I have been able to accomplish, despite a less than supportive upbringing. I also want to embrace and celebrate the wonderful people in my life. And most importantly, I want to focus on things that bring me joy and peace… more than I want to measure myself against others, or chase the almighty dollar and rungs on the career ladder. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Real love vs the idea of love…

People don’t like love, they like that glittery flirty feeling. They don’t love love - love is sacrificial, love is ferocious, it’s not emotive. Our culture doesn’t love love, it loves the idea of love. It wants the emotion without paying anything for it.

— Unknown

The “honeymoon phase” of a relationship comes to mind, where the rose-tinted glasses are in full effect and we either don’t see or we ignore red flags. Fast forward a few years, or more if you’re lucky, and annoying habits and idiosyncrasies creep in. I don’t know about you, but I learned about my deal breakers FAR too late in life. Better late than never, I finally realized (with loads of therapy and education) that ALL of my past relationships had glaring incompatibilities. It’s really worth the time and effort figuring out how to choose the best-suited partner for your happiness and well being. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Swearing linked to increased pain tolerance ;)…

“It’s something we all share, and it’s really magical… It does something for us” according to Olli Robertson, psychology researcher at Oxford. 

“Swearing is ‘a drug free, calorie-neutral, cost free means of self-help,’ said Richard Stephens, a researcher and senior lecturer in psychology at Keele University in England. 

Besides pain tolerance, swearing’s been linked to bolstered social bonds, improved memory, and an alleviation of the social pain of exclusion or rejection. “Neurologically the pathways for physical pain and emotional pain are the same” Robertson said. “When you have heartbreak, it’s the same neural structures. It’s the same biological blueprint, and that’s why it feels so visceral, because it literally is.”

— Excerpt from “Cursing in any language is good for you — we swear!” Province newspaper, March 28th 2025 (article written by Sam Jones, Washington Post)

Huh! Let the swearin’ continue then, Lol. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Key is acceptance, not positivity…

As I grew older, I learned that the key to surviving the day is not positivity, its acceptance. Accepting that not all days are good and happy, you will have bad days, you make mistakes, you fail, you mess up, everything’s not going to fall into place and that’s okay.

— Unknown  

I was complaining back in my single days, and I remember a good friend saying, “Girl, the key is high hopes, low expectations.” He was so right. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self to hold out for a better match. When I became completely honest about who I am, and how I want to live my life, Mr Right appeared. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Choose not to believe your negative (and fearful) thoughts…

You don’t need to change your negative thoughts. You just need to change how you engage with them. Observe them, choose not to believe them, and then let them naturally pass like clouds in the sky. They will pass. They always do.

— Lori Deschene

I seem to need reminders on this, Lol. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Relax your body to feel safe…

The easiest way to raise your vibration is to relax your body. The most essential way to relax your body is to slow your breath. The most effective way of slowing your breath is by loving your own heart. One “I love you” at a time, your breath is inspired into a slower pace, which reminds the body to feel safe enough to relax, as your vibration elevates into higher frequencies of light. This is the heart of transformation.

— Unknown 

I tend to be a Type A over-achiever and feel-good pleaser. But I’ve also learned about the physical and emotional cost of walking on egg shells.  So I continue to work on slowed breathing, calming self-talk, yoga, spending time with animals, good friends and anything that lowers my stress level. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Dealing with worry…

Any time that you are worried about something say to your higher self, “Take this, I release this over to you, rearrange it, transform my thoughts, feelings and experience regarding this, it’s yours now, do with it as you see fit, hand it back to me if it’s worth receiving.” After saying and doing that, do you feel lighter? If you do, that’s because you’ve just removed your focus from that which was holding you in a place of discomfort or resistance. You’ve started to come back into alignment with your best self and the solution that you have been looking for. 

— S. G. Ruddy - @aMessageOfLove

I don’t know about you, but I felt a sense of ease and relief just reading that. Studies actually show that a significant portion (one study claims 85%) of things people worry about never materialize, and even when they do, they’re easier to handle than expected. I need to keep this top of mind! Just sayin’ ; ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Words matter…

My therapist taught me that…

That words matter. Instead of saying “I can’t” say “It’s not a priority for me right now.” 

Replace “I’m jealous of them” with “I’m inspired by them.” 

Replace “I have to do this” with “I get to do this.” 

Replace “I failed” with “This attempt didn’t work.” 

Replace “Why is this happening to me?” with “What am I learning from this?”

Words matter, because even if you don’t fully mean them, your brain can’t tell the difference.

— @latenightepiphanies

I notice I’ve been sulking lately. And fair enough, given my mother’s passing and the resulting fall out with my siblings, and some friends too. Your foundation shifts when you lose both parents, and I’ll give myself the breathing room to adjust. But I also know from excellent therapy and life coaching that slipping into a victim, or poor me, mode is a trap. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Anger is a way to protest…

• A response to disempowerment
• A sign our boundaries are being ignored or violated
• A response to invalidation or unfair treatment
• A response to disrespect
• A part of the grief process
• A sign of built-up resentment or unresolved emotions
• A symptom of hyper vigilance and trauma
• A sign that you may feel attacked, threatened, or deceived
• A way to protest that we cannot control the reality around us

— @the.love.therapist

My favourite therapist taught me about the layers of emotion, and that beneath anger is often hurt. And that childhood trauma tends to be the root cause of our biggest issues. I also learned that it’s pretty tough to tackle deep baggage without professional help. Therapy is, at least for me, very safe, comforting, and anxiety reducing. It can really take the monkey off your back. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

It’s okay…

It’s okay

To make mistakes

To have bad days

To be less than perfect

To do what’s best for you

To be yourself

— Unknown 

Three of these stand out for me; the trap of perfectionism, prioritizing self-care, and accepting oneself, flaws and all. Embracing myself fully, regardless of any perceived limitations (impatient, neat freak bordering on OCD at times, not out-doores’y and perhaps not cultured enough), was a huge turning point in my life. And really it was all thanks to a painful and humiliating break up. I vowed to never go through another break up, and in order to do that, I realized I had to be completely honest about who I am, how I want to live my life, and what sort of person would match up well with that. I met the love of my life within a year, and interestingly enough he had come to the same conclusion. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Need a willing participant…

I want to help you, but you have to be a willing participant. 

If you’re not, then I’m no longer helping you up; it is you who is pulling me down. 

— Dr Steve Maraboli

When I was younger, my relationship, and making my partner happy, was my top priority. It took far too long, and too many break ups, to realize I needed to take better care of myself emotionally. I finally sorted out what makes me feel safe, loved, joyful and fulfilled. And that actually led to a much better pairing in the end, duh. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

If you want to develop emotional maturity….

If you want to develop emotional maturity, practice:

• Facing uncomfortable emotions without letting them dictate your actions
• Embracing change (learn how to bend without breaking)
• Allowing people to feel their emotions without trying to “save” them
• Accepting feedback
• Making decisions based on your values
• Having difficult conversations
• Being honest with yourself and others
• Honouring boundaries (even if you don’t like them)
• Making space for vulnerability and intimacy
• Acknowledging your flaws without letting them define you
• Observing how you show up in the world

— @millennial.therapist (Dr Sara Kuburic - psychotherapist, speaker, former USA Today columnist)

I owe my new and improved life (met the love of my life, riding a career high and enjoying a sweet level of financial freedom) to a few of these for sure. I hit an all time low during the 2008 financial crisis, including a humiliating break-up, where I turned a blind eye to my own truth, delayed the inevitable and paid the price. Thankfully, I embarked on a personal overhaul. I took a year long relationship hiatus, went back to intensive therapy and did a post-mortem on my relationships and career approach. My biggest learnings were; accepting myself for who I am and how I want to live my life, I made decisions about love and career based on my values/needs/wants, and learned how to have difficult conversations. Just sayin’:) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Healing past fight or flight mode…

Nobody really talks about this

But, once you start healing past traumas and your body comes out of “fight or flight” mode your body will crave a lot of rest And, silence. Your body finally starts to feel safe in peace + quiet. The calm. You aren’t lazy, your body is just catching up on all the years it didn’t have this stillness. 

You. Deserve. This.

— Unknown

I couldn’t seem to stop crying during my three years of intensive therapy (individual, plus group therapy, involving 6 weekend seminars per year). There was a lot to unpack, given the tumultuous family I grew up in. My parents were hugely at odds and both were fairly explosive and at times violent. I walked on egg shells and tried to be perfect to avoid the hot seat, which set me up for a bit of OCD and anxiety. I still suffer from neat freak tendencies and fidgeting, but at some point my body began to relax. I now enjoy naps and quiet time above all else. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

 

Powerful source within you…

Everything changes when you begin to love yourself. You no longer send out energy of desperation or need to be filled from the outside. You become a powerful source within yourself that attracts better. The more you love who you are, the less you seek validation and approval.

— Unknown 

I feel fortunate to have landed on a healing path, and compelling inward journey. I’ve invested in years of therapy, life coaching, and relationships courses, where I learned to accept myself fully. Unconditional self-acceptance has allowed for the confidence and emotional stability to excel in my career, to achieve financial security, and to find the perfect partner and soulmate. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

The real luxuries in life…

When you realize the real luxuries in life are slow mornings, time with the people you love, home cooked food, quiet moments, good sleep, time in nature, a good book, watching the sunrise, and not rushing everywhere; that is when you begin to really live!

— Unknown 

I’ve been giving this a lot of thought lately. I’m a bit torn, because I love the simple things in life (the ocean, swimming outside, time with friends, morning coffee, writing, animals, movies, music etc), but I also kind of need warm vacations, live entertainment, dining out and new clothing garments once in a while too. I’ve certainly learned to live on a lot less, thanks to a 2008 financial crisis near-bankruptcy. I’ve pretty much settled on living simple most of the time. I prioritize saving; for retirement, for a rainy day  and for pre-paid for trips and fun extra’s. Zero debts. And I get to watch my investments grow. Just sayin’ ; ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

A fit physique shows dedication, self-respect and dignity…

Why I respect “fit people”

Because “Fit People” with a physique is much more than how good they look…

A well-built physique is a status symbol that reflects your hard work. 

Money cannot buy it, nor can you inherit it.

You cannot steal it. Nor can you borrow it.

You cannot hold onto it, without constant work. 

It shows dedication. It shows discipline. It shows self-respect. It shows dignity.

It shows patience, work ethic and passion. 

Being “Fit” is far more than just looks. 

— Unknown 

I’ve never thought of it quite like that. I’m certainly grateful for being a person who enjoys, and actually needs fitness. I find exercise eases my stress (I’m pretty type A), helps with digestion and helps me sleep. I don’t have to worry about what I eat as much, and the weight loss and physical toning are great too, of course. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Breathe in the amazing and hold on through the awful…

Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. 

And then it’s amazing again.

And in between the amazing and awful it’s ordinary and mundane and routine.

Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary.

That’s just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. 

And it’s breathtakingly beautiful. 

— L.R. Knost

I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better hearing about other people’s experiences. Knowing that we’re all in it together, going through the good and the bad; the pandemic, climate change, the wars, death and loss. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Do the work to heal?…

I hate when people say “If you love me, you’ll accept me as I am”. Loving you doesn’t mean tolerating your refusal to develop emotional intelligence and heal your dysfunction. If you loved you, you would do the work so people who love you don’t feel forced to walk away.

— Unknown 

I continue to do the work to heal. I was fortunate that my ex-husband drew a firm boundary around my family drama. I was surprised to hear him say he “wasn’t willing to take that on”. He went on to say that talking to him or my friends would not solve the issues and that I should talk to a professional in order to better deal with the family dysfunction. Boy was he right. I made a significant investment (of time and money) in individual therapy, group therapy, therapist led weekend relationship workshops and spiritual healing. I think I cried for about three years. I had no idea the depth of anger, resentment, and sadness I carried from my childhood, and ongoing family issues. I could see the benefit of the work right away, and I’m actually returning to the weekend workshops to deal with the death of my mother and resulting fall out with my siblings. Therapy has had a very positive impact on my relationships, my career, and my overall health and well being, and I’m excited to pursue an even deeper level of self-care and love. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl