Falling on the sword...

I love this expression. "Falling on the sword" means being vulnerable, exposed and humble about our weaknesses and foibles (according to Joel Brass, the therapist I so love to quote). Though not pretty, Joel says that if we keep doing this, we can truly hope for the best of all outcomes. We can free ourselves from all kinds of stuff, like self-judgment and limiting beliefs etc. It's not easy, it's scary and it's probably really worth the risk! Just sayin;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Answers...

I am endlessly fascinated by the human condition and the dynamics between us... and I will always regret any disagreement or upset I may cause in my journey through life. We are all a work in progress and sometimes we need to go back to the drawing board. There may be no concrete answers out there, but I really like this wisdom...

"My first teacher, Chogyam Trungpa, used to talk about the fundamental anxiety of being human. This anxiety or queasiness in the face of impermanence isn't something that afflicts just a few of us; it's an all-pervasive state that human beings share. But rather than being disheartened by the ambiguity, the uncertainty of life, what if we accepted it and relaxed into it? What if we said, 'Yes, this is the way it is, this is what it means to be human' and decided to sit down and enjoy the ride?"

- by Pema Chodron, Living Beautifully

We all know life isn't easy. We continue to be challenged and we continue to be imperfect. All we can do is keep working at it and find a place of forgiveness for ourselves and others (and this seems to take much inner strength and courage, which we can't always pull off unfortunately). Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Life can be a grind...

I don't wanna sound like a big whiner (because I hate that so much in life), but wow, some days really challenge us to dig deep and find an extra gear. I was actually given an award in high school basketball for having the tireless drive to keep trying until I succeed - the perseverance award. My default has always been that tomorrow is a new day and exciting things are just around the corner. Of course we know that glitches and challenges are a part of the package as well, but I tend to focus on the delightfully unexpected and wonderful moments in life. But honestly, some days can come fully loaded with the trifecta of issues - challenges at work, issues with a friend or loved one and relationship disappointments or post mortem crap. Heavy sigh... of course these days pass and the issues resolve one way or another. Sometimes you just decide to set the killer stuff aside and tackle one task at a time and eventually the day is progressing not bad actually. Ok. I'm gonna cry a little bit here though and say that sales post-2008 has been particularly difficult. Living in an expensive city like Vancouver puts the squeeze on us all, including those with means, I continue to discover. This makes selling all the more difficult. So, facing customers everyday all day means hearing a whole lot of "no". Just sayin'. Problem is, complaining doesn't accomplish anything. Finding solutions and being creative is a better focus, which generally produces results. I guess I'm saying, let's not give up, no matter what - not matter how difficult it gets. It's so cool when we face the seemingly impossible and find a way around it or through it. When we succeed (especially against all odds), we build confidence and self-esteem and I think we learn new and valuable skills. When we stretch ourselves, we grow and bring value to our own lives. This is what I keep telling myself because I like positivity and I think it's infectious. I think I just gave myself the pep talk I was needing today, Lol ;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Sticks and stones...

There's no question that words can cut deeper than physical injuries. Those closest to us know our weak points and they have the ability to throw salt on our deepest wounds. Do we let this happen? If so, why so we let this happen? Should we forgive those who hurt us the most? When is enough enough? When is a dynamic harmful and when is it just the natural friction of a close relationship? Unfortunately, I've had to ask myself this question too often in life. I come from a place of high drama and as a result I've been exposed to a lot of conflict. This is not a happy place for me. There is nothing I like less than conflict and hurtful drama. It is my preference to get along and if this is not possible, to at least manage disagreements with love, respect and kindness. My favourite therapist says we should use our emotions to guide us and that our bodies will never lie. If we feel sick, hurt, angry etc. we should heed these signs and address what isn't working in our lives. Well, this includes interactions and people. It's not easy making tough decisions, but honouring ourselves is infinitely more important than being the nice guy and letting people walk all over us. I guess we can try to assert new boundaries and make requests for new behaviour, but if this doesn't work, we may have to say some big "no's". As the saying goes, we have to teach people how to treat us and if that doesn't work, we have to take care of ourselves first and foremost, whatever this may demand we do. Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Achilles heel...

We all have our crosses to bare in life. Mine seems to be the lack of success in a long term love relationship to date. Painfully, this is such a visible indication of one's inner world. I know the divorce rate is more than 50 % and all, but most people manage to find a good partner and build a life, don't they? So when you have two divorces in tow, people start to wonder about you (especially your friends and family). People begin wonder if there's something wrong with you? At least that's how it feels - and "concerned" people actually come right out and say "did you ever want to have children" or "you seem like such a nice person, I don't get it". Ouch. I can tell you this is the ultimate ego death! :( ... but I won't ask for pity. I think I finally understand something. We are the only ones we need to be concerned with. We need to accept ourselves unconditionally, no matter what. We need to forgive us our own trespasses, weaknesses, warts and all. We are the only ones who can save us and guide us on our own particular path to happiness and fulfillment. Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Dreams part deux...

I'm being haunted by my dreams lately (see yesterday's post). I guess some things are not easily dealt with and then happily forgotten. You just wish you could delete certain things from existence. On the topic of dreams, I remembered a series of three dreams I had before my break up. I might go so far as to say, these were premonitions, if you believe in that kind of thing. In my first dream, my boyfriend told me he thought we should break up - and this was totally out of the blue and made no sense (this ended up happening of course). In the second dream I saw myself have a slow motion head on collision. Someone drove straight into my lane, pedal to the metal and it was lights out. I died. In my third dream, I woke up from the scary head on collision in a hospital bed with no legs. Okay, these last two dreams didn't come true literally, but I do believe they happened to me figuratively. Though we had both been falling out of the relationship for some time, there was a whole world going on that I had no knowledge of and it shook my world silly. In many ways, I've had to start from the ground up, learning about how I conduct myself in the world;  how and why I've made certain choices, what I need and want and what really matters to me. No pain no gain? Well, I would say the "gain" has been worth all the upset. There comes a time in life when we can no longer hide from certain truths. It's feeling like this is just starting to get good. SO! We survive and we can thrive. Know what I'm sayin'? Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Dreams aren't always dreamy!...

Gosh, am I the only one out there being chased down in my sleep? Honestly, some of my dreams are downright traumatizing. Not only did I have to live through a shocking and upsetting betrayal (that I had to figure out on my own in a slow and torturous way) but I have to keep reliving it a year later in my dreams?! Seriously!? Clearly the subconscious mind is still mulling this whole thing over. Some of the wisdom I hear about this sort of thing is that we keep "processing" until we've learned all the lessons we need to learn. Well, hurry up already Lol;) I don't know how much more of this kinda thing I can take. Of course, there's no one to appeal to with these things. Our trauma's are pretty much our own to survive and move through. We can seek help, but at the end of the day, our inner world seems to have a mind and time frame of it's own. On a happier note... I'm big on silver linings (being an optimist to a fault) and a huge upside to my painful experience has been a richer, more comfortable connection with myself and the people in my life. Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Life is messy;) ...

Of all pursuits, I think being comfortable in our own skin, may be the most noble and worthwhile. If we're okay with ourselves, if we're truly okay with all of our character traits and behaviours (no matter what! whether we mess up or disappoint or not!), we are free, aren't we? To give ourselves that kind of get out of jail card is to be as light as a feather, isn't it? If we can accomplish this, we can start fresh each and every time something goes "wrong". We can trip and fall, brush ourselves off, extract the wisdom and keep aiming for our hopes and dreams. I have come to the conclusion that being completely honest with ourselves and others generates some sort of built in safety net. I think those around us can see the bravery when we put ourselves on the line and back ourselves up. Somehow celebrating both the sweet and the silly seems to take the sting out of our mishaps. We can acknowledge when a tire goes in the ditch, make a change if necessary and move past the blip with a sense of humour and an acceptance of our clumsiness in life. No federal case, no drama. We're all in the same boat because there is no such thing as perfection. Life can be messy and so are we at times;) Know what I mean? Hugs. :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Getting back on the horse...

For anyone who's gone through the pain and agony of a shocking break up (double it with a dollop of betrayal), it can be extra difficult to open one's heart again... especially when you brave romance the first year following said break up. Psychologists always recommend waiting a decent amount of time before getting involved again because there's no escaping the rebound phase. We don't really wanna do that though, so we pull out the emotional machete and start hacking away at new attractions. Thing is (and not to sound pessimistic because I am a ridiculous optimist!), most connections just end up on the cutting room floor so to speak. Regardless of who ends it, we're stuck on one or the other side of a typically uncomfortable sort of social experiment - some good points, some potentially weird points and hopefully a few good stories to tell. The movie scenes we could all write with our failed date stories, Lol ;). I think the big problem is, when we're not emotionally involved with someone, we can be careless with their feelings. I don't believe people go out of their way to make others feel like crap for the most part, but it tends to happen anyway. So after trying a few of these on, it's awfully tempting to pull the plug altogether and break up with absolutely everyone before we've even gone out on a single date. Know what I mean, ha ha?! It can just seem like a lot of frickin' work to start over again. Where did you grow up, and do you have any siblings, run through the sordid ex scenario's blah, blah. I mean it's not easy to achieve intimacy to begin with, let alone risk being vulnerable over and over again. It can seem like a lot of posturing and almost acting really (and I'm pretty sure a lot of it is pure acting for a certain end, if you know what I mean - and no judgment because it's all a part of the game and we all know the buyer beware disclaimer on this front!). It helps if there's crazy chemistry of course and we all like it when that happens for sure... but some of those ones crash and burn before you can say "oh hell, let's just go for it. We're not gonna get any sleep if we keep this up anyway" wink, wink. These ones can be particularly crappy. It's not easy to have one of those rare hot, hot connections and then boom. That's it! That would be like trying chocolate for the first time and then being told you can never have it again. I mean, what the f--k!? Lol;) Anyone who's been in that situation knows exactly what I'm talking about. Ok, so having said all that, we can't lick our wounds and sulk forever. I mean, of course it's great to do the post-mortem and note the key take-aways (like, can't do high maintenance again, or can't do needy etc.)... but move on we must. A good friend of mine is cool enough to remain curious and consider that if a particular date isn't a good match for her, maybe he'll be great for one of her friends - and she has successfully set up 15 couples who connected instantly and got married. So maybe we could consider that approach. Lol;) Just sayin!

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Owning it...

Who are we? Do we know ourselves well enough? And if we do, are we willing to just be that, without apology... and own all of our traits, interests (no matter how embarassing - like boy bands, or reality TV, or any other frivolous/guilty habits and pleasures)? Recently, I had the courage to admit that the outdoors to me is a swimming pool or staring at the ocean and mountains from a gorgeous patio or from the deck of a yacht, Lol;). Now, I am completely fulfilled in earning my own money and I'm fully capable of paying for my somewhat high end lifestyle (or maybe upper middle class by today's standards!!)... but there's no denying I like to dress up, eat in nice restaurants, watch live entertainment and travel to New York, LA, Hawaii etc. I can no longer pretend to be a hiker, camper sorta girl. I am an urban cat and I just wanna do what I wanna do. When I was younger, I was willing to bend myself around a guy or around friends, in order to have companionship. Nowadays, I'd rather clean my bathroom or watch a good movie on my comfy couch or stare at my gorgeous view, rather than do things that just don't suit! Know what I mean?... Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Speaking up...

Sometimes things need to be said, no matter how painful and uncomfortable. This has been one of my biggest challenges in life. I have run from tension like a scared shitless kid. There is nothing I like less than conflict and ruffled feathers. Typically when I've been upset, I've stewed in it and/or complained to anyone other than the person I'm having the issue with. Total useless avoidance and this is nothing to be proud of. Period. Simply put, I've been too afraid to face the difficult issues and the person who's feeling pissy. I have good reason for being afraid of conflict... I'll spare you the gory details, but let's just say that the "Godfather" (Al Pacino's character in Godfather Part 2) had nothin' on my Calabrese (S. Italy) father. When my Dad called (always at a yell!), you either jumped or wet your pants. I'm not trying to make excuses by any means because I do believe in owning what's ours, no matter what we've been saddled with in life... but I'm just sayin' that the conflict I experienced growing up left permanent scaredy pants scar tissue ;) ... so, getting back to the task at hand... speaking up! Finally! After many years of therapy, much life coaching, endless relationship workshops, a psychology degree and 2 failed marriages, I have learned how to address friction. One of my favourite therapists tells me it takes a great deal of "emotional courage and emotional honesty" to speak up and speak about the challenges we face in our relationships. Of course we need to learn how to say things nicely!! We will likely cause more harm than good if we're streaming angry/confrontational/blaming words at a person who's already frayed. BUT! If we're able to be calm, compassionate and understanding and speak about how we're feeling, the conversation will likely go well. If we are able to invite the other person to tell us about their experience and feelings, both people have a shot at being heard. Then we can move forward with a better understanding of one another and perhaps offer or make requests for small adjustments in our behaviour. At the end of the day, the air is clear, we know each other better and we probably have more respect for ourself and the other person. I've pulled this off of late and I can't believe the sense of accomplishment. This sort of discussion somehow let's us be who we are and allows us to feel ok, whatever our short comings. It's also not as scary to think of making slight changes and it feels great to be truly heard! Hugs :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Gratitude brings relief...

I am just as guilty as the next person for getting caught up in crap. I really do strive to be a positive, caring, generous, accepting person... but hell, I guess the human condition really does get that tough - tough enough that the kindest, most affectionate person can sink to a lower standard of gossip, judgment and general frustration with unmet wants and needs. I am hugely relieved when I remember to focus on the good things in my life. The power of gratitude has been a life saver in my toughest moments. Making a list of the good things in life (even the ocean, a kick ass cup of coffee, a random act of kindness) can be nothing short of inspiring and can swoop us up to the land of happy day dreaming. Just sayin;) ! Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Rejection...

Is it just me, or is it challenging to handle a kiss-off or break up without feeling rejected (and maybe a tad humiliated)? We've all experienced both sides of the "no" when it comes to dating and relationships. We've all been dumped and we've all had to duck out of a dating or relationship situation. Neither side is fun actually. Things either line up or they don't. Logically speaking, it's all good. But something seems to happen when we don't get to make the call. We tend to feel rejected and not good enough in some way - or we feel dismissed or discarded. It's silly because I bet deep down we probably knew things weren't lining up - or maybe we hadn't realized it yet - but I'm sure in time we would have realized the match just wasn't there. So, what the heck? It almost feels like an involuntary response. You just hope the minor embarrassment passes quickly and fun times are right around the corner! At the end of the day, romance is a crap shoot, isn't it? The odds of anything lining up are pretty slim, so I guess we should understand that part of it was always going to be a numbers game, or a twist of fate or what have you. No one gets to choose who they fall for. It's either "there" or it isn't. I guess the rejection/feeling discarded thing is ego, or remnants of childhood "training" that left us feeling judged and scolded for parts of our character and behaviour. I think we need find a way to be our own biggest fan - and then who cares, right? ;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Shadow self...

Nobody wants to be the weak link. More importantly, we sure as hell don't want to think much about our very personal weak points! Carl Jung (psychologist) talks about our "shadow" self, which is essentially parts of ourselves that we're either unaware of or that we simply can't acknowledge (or would like to deny vehemently Lol;)) because these qualities and traits are simply not very attractive. My favourite therapist says that if we were to ask five of our closest friends and loved ones what our weaknesses are, they would all know what they are off the top of their heads and their experiences with us would be frighteningly similar. (I'm going fall on my sword and come clean on a few doozies of my own that I fear may be waaaay more visible than I would like to admit... so for me, I think my list might be comprised of impatience/annoyance, unreliability at times as I flounder in my own messes, perhaps somewhat of an addiction or at least a conspicuous preference for younger/cute guys - I mean, legal and all that Lol;)!, an overly talkative nature and an avoidance of conflict or general unpleasantness. I'm sure there would be more, but we can't see ourselves the way others do, so I'm not sure what else my trusted friends and family would come up with). Yeah, so pretty much, ugh. This is not a fun exercise at all.... however, a wise and poetic coach tells me that if we're willing to look at our own inner ugly duckling, we just may be able to turn our proverbial lead into gold. I'll let you know how it goes, ha ha! ;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Commitment redefined...

When the word commitment comes up, we generally think of living with someone or getting married. Sure, people commit to a goal, such as running a marathon,  achieving a career milestone, or schooling for a certain degree. How many of us truly commit to ourselves first and foremost though? My favourite coach and therapist tells me that when I fully have my own back, I will find the life I've been so tirelessly striving for. Hmmm. It's taken me a while to figure this one out, to be honest. I mean, what the hell does that really mean?? Is it so wrong to want romance and passion with another person? Is it so wrong to wanna have a good time and escape life's daily, annoying glitches and hardships? Well, no, of course not he tells me. We just can't look to another person to "complete" us and fill our lives up in ways that really demand our own personal care and attention. This is where most of us sigh and roll our eyes. We've heard it all before... you gotta love yourself first, blah, blah. Another fabulous coach says "you have to be prepared to be the only one - the only one who thinks you're great, the only one who will tirelessly support you." In other words, we have to be prepared to face being alone and/or feel lonely... because we're supposed to be whole all on our own and really, really be sorted - know who we are, what we need and want, be balanced, mature, super duper healthy and all that, blah, blah. Thing is, I'm realizing it isn't blah blah actually. Some very interesting things happen when we have the courage to commit even just a wee bit more to our own life and all of the things we do. Maybe we work an extra hour a day (check!), or we choose to give up just one thing in our diet for better health (for me, that was sweets, which I never thought I'd EVER be able to do because chocolate has been my go-to crutch in life), maybe we go to bed a bit earlier and get up more rested and patient for the day's activities (check!), maybe we become more comfortable and brave in our own skin and watch as people respond to us in a more open and receptive ways (check!... and this is particularly good when you're in sales, like I am). All in all, the whole love ourself first and carefully nurture all aspects of our lives thing is like tending to a garden and watching it grow and flourish. For real! Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Helpful venting or not? ...

Are we venting in a productive way or are we complaining to an unhealthy degree? I guess we have to be the judge (unless our friends and family are beginning to tune out, Lol;) ... may be a kind hint). When we're not getting what we want or someone's hurt us in some way, we're certainly gonna have something to say about it and we're gonna have feelings to contend with. I like to give myself a time limit for resisting what's going down, or for wishing things were different. It's just painful to sit in the muck of wishing something were going another way. It's a waste of time in the end. Life would be so much easier if we could find a way to accept what's happening up front and move on from there. But I guess we have to allow ourselves to feel what we're feeling first. A wise therapist tells me there's valuable information in our negative responses. Typically we need to do something about it too; say no to someone's behaviour/actions, draw better boundaries, leave a relationship, pursue and new job with a different manager? Big changes don't come cheap or easy though. For that matter, even drawing small boundaries can be hard as well because we have to expose ourselves to the negative reactions of others. This all takes emotional courage and honesty, which we may have to cultivate overtime, if we so choose. I'm pretty sure good things come to those who work at though! Just sayin';) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Soul mates or not? ...

There is a lot of debate around the idea of "true love" or the "soul mate" relationship. A lot of us aren't even sure we've ever really been "in love". We know we've "loved" people, but we're not sure we've ever experienced true, true love and soul mate status in our relationships. We search, we date, we enter into relationships and then we navigate and "work on" these connections. We don't want to "settle", but maybe we're not clear on when we're doing that. How do we know when we've "arrived" and that we're finally with "the one"?

According to Matt Kahn (TrueDivineNature.com) we are generally in "Twin Flame" relationships and, in fact, all of our ex's are what he calls Twin Flames. These relationships are often co-dependent and fraught with tension and/or lacking in the level of respect and consideration we should be wanting for ourselves. Once we've had enough of this sort of dance and we're left broken yet again, so that the pieces simply won't be put together again, we may be ready for a true soul mate connection. Matt's descriptors of a soul mate relationship; begins with a deep and caring love of self and others (while drawing good boundaries and keeping a safe distance from toxic people), grace, maturity, balance, the natural and easy resolution of issues, both people nurturing of self, both people making time for self.

In summary, a string of "Twin Souls" may provide the path to the soul mate of our dreams, but we will not attract and be ready for this depth and beauty of connection until we love ourselves in the way that we wish to be loved. Period. Hmmmm... okay!

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The gift of others...

We need each other. This is a proven fact. Though we're on very personal and unique journeys of our own, we all struggle and there's nothing like a life meltdown or two to learn the value of meaningful connection. Some experiences transcend the need to protect our ego-driven pride and I don't know if there's a more unlikely gift than realizing you need help. You realize you may not actually make it without the lifeline of a few truly special people, who so willingly scoop you up from your free fall. Humbling does not begin to cover it. But there it is. Post 2008 I suffered a completely unexpected and almost debilitating career slide into oblivion. This went on too. There was no quick fix, no easy answers. A few auspicious events brought me back to sanity and a road to recovery, though not a quick one unfortunately. The thing with ongoing struggle is that you continue to see the immeasurable value in people who truly care. Looking back on the scariest time of my life, what I'm left with is the truly inspiring acts of kindness and generosity around me. No amount of money or career success will ever touch me so profoundly and there are no words to express the gratitude that I carry with me now and always.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Going through something...

You know you're going through something when the last bottle of alcohol in your house is champagne and you're drinking it by yourself on a Wednesday night... sitting on the floor, popping the cork in the hallway, so as not to shatter anything in the kitchen. (My own little Bridget Jones moment, Lol!) You're painfully aware of the toasting tradition in that moment and you think f--k it! I'm toasting to my liberation from a relationship I needed out of anyway. And the question begs - why is it so hard to get over something you needed to get out of to begin with!? Okay, so you feel duped because your ex had an affair behind your back (with someone you knew) and you had to suffer running into them at Home Depot four days after you've moved out, and see that they're picking a new paint colour for what was your office. Seriously?! There was no proper good-bye. There was no honouring of four years of commitment and shared holidays, birthdays, friends, families. The ending was ripped from reality and you're left to catch up. I think what hurts the most is realizing I was the architect of my own demise. I sat there, suffering in silence, denying my truth. I denied my deepest needs and in the meantime, my partner chose a different life, a different partner and I was most certainly left holding my own bag. Ouch. Feeling the fool is no joke. So what do you do with that? Well, I guess you get really honest with yourself. You vow you'll never ignore yourself again. You'll pay attention and make sure you listen to that inner voice screaming at you to make a move. You are suddenly so raw that you're incapable of anything but emotional honesty. A sort of freeing numbness follows the pain of a sudden and shocking betrayal. You watch yourself in a bit of a sleepwalking haze, rebounding all over the place, forcing yourself to try on new things and new people. I guess one can't expect anything to feel "right" for a while. One thing's for sure - you don't want to go through something like this under a microscope. Enter the avoidance of family functions and lots of nights escaping with friends who never judge you and/or hiding under the covers watching loads and loads of great TV dramas.

At some point the pity party must come to an end, and it does, but it's a little bit like watching paint dry. Reflection has it's time frame and pacing. At the end of the day, we will have to reckon with what next? Who next? How do I choose better the next time around? One thing is for sure - there will be no denying, no ignoring, no hiding, no silence. There will be honesty, there will be feelings, there will be an honouring of self first and foremost. That should be a good start!

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The natural unfolding...

I think the hardest thing in life is to let things ride and just enjoy our experiences as they happen. To let people feel what they need to feel. To let people do what they need to do. To allow ourselves our own reactions, feelings, impulses, actions... without judgement. Life unfolds as it will and there's generally not a damn thing we can do about it. It would be so nice to know what's careening around the corner, so we could brace ourselves and be prepared. But that's just not how it works. Sometimes the "news" is exciting and exhilarating and other times we have to pick up a few pieces. One thing is for certain, there are a lot of surprises along the way and I guess we can be thankful that life isn't boring;) Personally speaking, I can't believe how long and how much it's taken for me to come to terms with the whole just letting things happen idea. I've never considered myself a controlling person, but there's no question, at times I desperately want to direct an outcome. I want to know! I want to prepare myself emotionally because I don't know how crushed I may end up. There's a whiplash effect to some of our experiences and along with the post traumatic stress, it's almost like we know too much, we've felt too much and we have a pretty good idea in advance about how we may be affected. There will be no ignorance is bliss as we get older. This is probably why parents can be so over-protective. It can be virtually impossible to chill, be zen, and allow whatever happens to happen, for it to be ok and for us to be ok. This is the challenge. This is my challenge anyway. I'm up for it, how 'bout you? Hugs:)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Rear view...

Well, it's been almost a year since my painful break up. Fewf! Nice to have that piece in the rear view mirror. Here's what I've come to.... all the self-help, therapy, medical advice, spiritual guidance etc. ultimately brings us back to ourselves. We come into this world alone, we'll go out alone and along the way it's just us as well. I have not found great comfort in this thinking personally, but I have come to accept the notion as a fundamental truth. As tempting as it is, we cannot indefinitely fill our inner voids, whatever they may be, with other people and external distractions. There is always a reckoning and our "stuff" will rear it's ugly head one way or another, at some point. Instead, we are supposed to go "inward" and allow our emotions/disappointments/past pains to surface, be stared down and then be safely stowed away. This is the road less traveled. No question there's nothing less appealing than looking back on things we'd rather forget or delete permanently from our history. It's easy as hell to fill life chock-a-block full of this and that, moving forward and hoping the past will remain in the past where it bloody well belongs. Am I right? But, alas, some things do need our attention. Good news is, once addressed, some of these things can act as a springboard to the most lovely and fulfilling experiences of our lives. If we're prepared to be honest and brave, the sun will shine again and we can find solace in our clean slate. We can begin again. The possibilities just may be endless. Hugs:)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Suffering a death...

Not to beat a dead horse, but a break up is like suffering a death of sorts. Life as we know it comes to an end and we have to start over. We usually have to deal with a move (unless you got to keep the home - although that brings with it all the old memories, so not too fun there). We have to divide all the possessions, which is bad enough, but we also end up divvying up the friends and old haunts as well. For example, I've given my ex custody of the Olympic Village (so I don't have to run into him and the girl who unknowingly drank my just purchased cider!). Everything we've been doing is out the window and we have to re-make our lives. Now, out with the old and in with the new has it's advantages. We can buy new things and enjoy new scenery. It's not all bad, Lol;) Actually, it can be a real breath of fresh air, once we've gotten over the shocking transitionary period of movers/unexpected costs/a future of unknowns.... however, an unexpected break up still deals us a death of the life we thought we would be living, of friends we came to love and consider family, of all the daily rituals, of cherished excursions etc... but as so many wise people say, we have to be prepared for cycles in life; daylight and darkness, life and death, low tide and high tide, happiness and sadness, joy and sorrow, spring growth and winter hibernation. We do have to expect and manage these cycles as best we can... personally speaking, it makes me feel better remembering we're all in it together and so much of what we deal with in life is universal. It's all a part of being human on this planet. We're stronger than we think, especially when we have each others' back. Just sayin' :) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

A hand in our betrayal?

It's one thing to be betrayed and it's a whole other thing to have to put it all together yourself because your now ex-dude isn't/wasn't willing to be honest about what went down. Playing private dick because something stinks is to take on certain death by a thousand paper cuts (like the foreign piece of pink toe nail on your side of the bed or the empty can of cider you just bought and haven't touched yet... and knowing that "she"drinks that cider as well. Ouch and double ouch!).

Personally speaking, I knew something was off in the final stretch of my last relationship. The shitty truth is that I was needing out in a big way - and, totally my bad, I put off the dirty work and kept putting it off until it really bit me. Moral of the story is to deal with what needs to be dealt with before it deals with you! It would be easy to sit in blame and trust me, I'm heaping a fair share onto the betrayer... but I also know for certain that I need to own my role in this story. I had been falling out of this commitment for some time, but sat idling, grasping at the flimsiest of reasons to stay. I just couldn't seem to force myself through the motions of getting out. I would imagine the old ex was going through the same thing (although if I had fallen in love with someone else, I believe I would have had the kindness and consideration to set my live-in partner free!). Bitterness is a totally understandable response (so I'm forgiving myself a small ounce of that, Lol;)), and overcoming the hurt of a betrayal is clearly a process, but how great would it be to use these sour emotions as the fuel to strive for greater richness and passion in our love lives?.... because looking back, I challenge myself with the question "why did I not leave for the promise of something better, brighter, more vibrant, more passionate?" Just sayin;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

When we're ready, we'll get it...

Why is it that we can take so long to truly "get it." We hear things and we learn things along the way, but for some inexplicable reason, the advice/information doesn't seem to really land until we get "it" on some very deep, personal and emotional level. It's kinda like that principle "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear." We seem to need a lot of experience and a series of personal tragedies for our heart and head to both understand certain things. For example, if you've ever made the mistake of falling for and becoming involved with an unavailable person (particularly a married person!) you'll know that some of that sage advice out there is well meaning and there for a reason! In most cases, it's a waste of our time, energy, heart and emotion. No disrespect to those of us who are confused and uncertain in our current relationships, because we've probably all been one of those people. There's nothing easy about ending a long term commitment and avoiding hurting someone.... but it sucks even more to be the sideline interest and object of someone's due diligence in their decision to stay or go. All I'm saying is, we really seem to need to learn the hard way. Boo! But there you have it, another one of those things in the journey called life. If you're like me, you want to know why. My brain seems to need to understand something before I can calm down and make sound moves. When I look back on my life, especially regarding relationships, I see a lot of trial and error/spinning of the wheels. Not a whole lot of fun frankly. So now what? Well, I guess it comes down to getting to know people well before jumping in with two left feet, Lol;) ... and more importantly, getting to know ourselves well enough to make a choice we can truly live with. No settling. No talking ourselves into something for all the wrong reasons. Choosing from the heart and soul - whatever it is we're choosing. Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatigirl

Getting over a break up...

If you haven't followed this blog and/or you haven't observed a thread of emotional back story, let me declare here and now that this is a break up blog. When life (and someone you thought you had love with) deals you a debilitating body blow, you either curl up in a ball (check!), or you get busy taking stock of your life and your decision making to date (check, check!).

They say it takes half the length of a relationship to get over it. Ugh. This is not terribly inspiring or comforting wisdom. I mean, does anyone really wanna pick over their emotional garbage on such a relentless and persistent basis. But there it is... and indeed and annoyingly, I'm finding this to be the case, particularly with the added sting of a betrayal by someone who was thought to be a trusted friend and even family, if you will.

So, let's talk about "dealing" and coping. It would be a whole lot more fun to suppress, avoid, numb out, move on to new romance! But we know the shit's still sitting there, right? If we don't deal with it, we will simply carry it around everywhere with us and into the next relationship anyway. I don't think we have any choice but to stare down these painful experiences and try to learn something from them. At least we can work on preventing a part deux! Lol ;)

Gigi Engle, Elite Daily, has the following fantastic points to offer:
* While these experiences are anything but ideal, they are actually the main ingredients of all of our future, healthy relationships.
* There is no better way to learn what we want and deserve than to face exactly the opposite.
* Nothing can force us to our edge like a truly unhealthy relationship.
* We now know where we stand on some of the most important issues of our lives and we will not back down.
* We learn to trust our gut. In a bad relationship, our gut is constantly telling us something isn't right, and we choose to ignore it.
* Having control over our life is the most important thing in the world, and we need to take responsibility for that control.
* After we break free, we will really come to be thankful for our happiness and be willing to do anything to cultivate and nurture that happiness.

Sounds good! Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Holding on too tight...

Is it just me, or does it suck to find yourself holding on too tight. Getting stuck in a "wanting" pattern just blows. The trap in the whole thing is that we can't control other people. We can't make them want something, we can't make them do something and when things don't seem to line up, letting go would be such a great choice to be able to make... only it doesn't seem like this is in our control either. Damn it anyway! We have to find a way to accept what is or is not happening without holding onto the particular outcome we had in mind. How do we do this? They say we have to come back to the "moment" and focus on what is in front of us here and now. We're supposed to be open to whatever comes and embrace new possibilities. We have to be willing to face the unknown and set our expectations free. I really love that idea. There's got to be a certain freedom in welcoming whatever life brings and releasing the rest. Maybe it just takes practice?

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Slow learner...

Am I the only one who's feeling like a slow learner out there?? We start out with such lofty goals and ideals. We put on our game face, dig in and set out to kick ass. We probably don't mind working hard, as long as we're getting a fair shake for our efforts. Then reality hits and holy shit! We hear life isn't fair, but it's not until things get real personal that we fully understand the gravity of the cliche. Our marriages fail, we lose a job or two and maybe we're not driving the hot car or living in the swank pad we imagined. (Especially if Vancouver is where we call home). At some point we look back and think what the heck? I thought I followed all the "rules" and made all the necessary effort? What happened? Another cliche comes to mind - "it's about the journey, not the destination" and all that. But, seriously, does any of that help when we're just not where we want to be? So, what's the wisdom/lesson/learning? Uhhhh.... well, does anyone really know? More and more cliche's come to mind - "just let go", or "surrender", or "see it, believe it and it will be so" etc.... but again, does any of that really help when we're staring at a less than stellar bank account or we're picking up the pieces of yet another crumbled relationship? Did anyone else think life was supposed to get easier? I suppose I did. I now realize that life is just life...  Stuff just happens. It's a mixed bag and tough times are an absolute certainty - but so are the exciting, fun, wonderful times. So maybe the trick is easing up on our expectations and strict game plan. Maybe just hanging out and trying stuff is the way to go. Chill, be curious, have fun! This is my new motto. I have a feeling, this may be a winning strategy - for more happiness that is ;)! Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Sulking .. ;)

Uh, yah, I freely admit it... I can put on a hell of a good sulk. Is it just me or is it awfully tempting to feel sorry for oneself sometimes?? The blood, sweat and tears in life can really add up and something's gotta give. No matter how zen we are, life can really dish it out... problem is, what actually comes of the sulking or hard done by position? I found these great quotes that say it all, I think...

"The only thing feeling sorry for yourself changes about your lie is that it makes it worse."

"No matter how you look at it, you involve yourself with whatever you resist!"

"Being wrapped up in self-pity completely spoils any chance of being able to see new possibilities as they appear; besides, no one likes sour milk!"

"Feeling sorry for those who want you to feel sorry for them is like giving an alcoholic a gift certificate to a liquor store."

"Anytime you embrace a dark inner state, you increase the size of its stake on your heart and mind."

"Feeling sorry for yourself is a slow acting poison; it first corrupts, and then consumes the heart... choking it with useless emotions."

"Agreeing to live with regrets only ensures they'll still be with you tomorrow."

- Compliments of Guy Finlay, beliefnet.com

Ok! So minimize the sulking, Lol! ;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Emotional tremors in life...

We all get hurt and we're not supposed to take it personally. Yeah, right!! Pffffff. Whatever!! So, what of it then?? The emotional scars of life are a right of passage I suppose. I'm sure there's no conspiracy or anything, Lol;) Whoever coined the term 'shit happens' is a frickin' genious because it really seems like that's all there is to it. We go on about our business, riding the various waves that come our way and we're left to make head or tails of it all. I can't even imagine some of the tough stuff like losing the love of your life or losing a child. I cannot imagine for a second being able to cope with heavy shit like that. But still, the crap that throws us off is for real and we need to cope somehow. I still say, and I'll keep saying, that coping is so tough. All the yoga, therapy, meditation, stillness in the world cannot possibly protect us from the earthquake of life. There will always be emotional tremors that shake us senseless. Hopefully we're the richer and more interesting for it... or at least more forgiving and compassionate to others. We oughta get something good out of the stuff that happens in our lives. Just sayin';) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Let's get serious...

So the question comes up a lot ... why do such bad things happen in the world? More importantly, why do bad things happen to us and why don't things go our way ? Why do we get hurt so? Well..... all I can say is this - when life turns us into a walking emotional ache, things change. This is all invisible of course (or maybe not as much as we would like to think), but some of the most painful experiences really can crack us wide open. And then who knows? Sky's the limit? Because all bets are off. The worst thing we could imagine happened and we're still putting one foot in front of the other. There's something raw, beautiful and unabashed about being screwed over. It's like being given free license to be all new, try different things and reconsider our views of life - a do-over, if you will.

Personally speaking, it's been almost a year since the sudden and shocking betrayal that turned me into emotional "pink dust" ... (that's when a human being is blown up by a bomb, if you haven't heard the expression). The processing of hurt seems to have a life and time frame of it's own and we can't really see our rebounding in motion...  but make no mistake, rebound we will. The psyche seems to process unconsciously and involuntarily - and for as long as it needs to until the experience can be digested and parcelled safely into the recesses of our long term memory (I look forward to that day!). I brace myself for the hangover of unwanted thoughts/visuals/angst because they linger like a bad odor.... compliments of my most annoying break up (because it unfolded in a way that seems so unnecessarily cloak and dagger and unkind to me). The silver lining in all of this seems to be a breaking of the mold ... and somehow, perplexing as it seems, there's more love available. That seems so counter-intuitive to me, but no question, I feel more open. I feel more present and more able to feel love in general - not just romantic love, but love of life, people, nature, whatever. Now that's a hell of a great result and well worth the pain of a "bad" experience. Along with the new and improved ability to love, there's less fear;) and that ain't bad;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Heartache...

Heartache is a universal phenomenon... and it's no joke. The heartache experience is a widely discussed topic in both the psychology and medical professions. "According to the Hippocratic Medicine view, 'passionate love will almost always fade or turn into love melancholy - this is a form of depression or sadness. Passionate love is love in the 'honeymoon phase', the beginning of new love, but it burns itself out after a year or two." (According to Wikipedia)

"Freud asked 'isn't what we mean by falling in love a kind of sickness and craziness, an illusion, a blindness to what the loved person is really like?' Love sickness isn't just a form of expression for those who are head-over-heels, but has been studied as an actual illness."

Okay, so maybe this lets us off the hook a bit if we are or have been hung up on someone we can't have.. and we're having a hard time thinking straight and being rational?? .... good to know, Lol! ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl