Black, white or grey?

Life would be so much easier if everything was black or white, conclusive, decided. Obviously we realize that few things in life are crystal clear, but we still seem to want and need a degree of certainty before embarking on a particular path. But the unknowns often leave us wading in what if's or should's (perhaps giving us something to fall back on. i.e. what other people think or what our culture or society thinks and dictates)... and many a time we find ourselves left in hesitation and procrastination.

It's easy to look at others and see the error of their ways, from infidelities, to white lies, denials or perceived mistreatments. We're not as capable of acknowledging these aspects of ourselves for some reason however, and we may focus on whether others are being honest with us and treating us fairly. Above all, we do not want to be hurt by others. We want some control over what happens to us and we struggle to understand, forgive and move on when we are slighted, betrayed or left behind in any way. Truth is though, not much in life is straight forward. There is a complexity to each one of us and there is an even greater complexity to our relationships. None of us know what's coming. None of us have control. We can certainly work on doing the right things - goal setting, affirmations, therapy, meditation, being cautious, thinking carefully, or what have you- but some things in life cannot be prevented or foreseen. Some things just happen. So, if we're hurt by others, or if we hurt others along the way, perhaps it's just life. It would be ideal if we could draw boundaries around people and dynamics. We may feel comfort in trying to control the outcome of our experiences, but perhaps we could find greater comfort in accepting that all anyone can do is their best... and sometimes there are forces beyond our control... even when we want the best for others and for ourselves, and we fight with everything in us to do the right thing.... sometimes, life just happens anyway. Maybe there's freedom in this awareness.. so that if we do get hurt or if we make a "mistake", we may allow it to be and move forward anyway... inviting ourselves to see some good in the experience or to pursue something life altering for ourselves or our choices... because in our experiences we will continue to find the grey. Maybe uncertainty is something to accept and become familiar with. Who knows what magic may show up if we stop trying to control every experience :) Hugs. (For more on this, check out You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay).

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Mixed messages

Searching for answers, fulfillment, happiness can be sooo confusing. There are a million bumper sticker type sayings telling us to throw caution to the wind, feel the fear and do it anyway, don't sweat the small stuff, step through new doors, dance like no one is watching etc. But then we're also supposed to set goals and write things down and focus on what we're trying to achieve and not float endlessly without direction... Whaaaaat? So which is it - plan and think carefully with focus, or live and let live? Maybe all of it... ?

The life coaches out there will say:

* Yes, have goals  - and writing them down and thinking about them is a tested and proven method of seeing our dreams come to fruition.
* In the meantime, live life and enjoy each moment.
* Try to "allow" whatever comes our way and observe without judgment and fear (if possible - not easy to do).. and just be ok with life, as is.

Most importantly... healing professionals will tell us to do as many things as possible to feel good; listen to music, be out in nature, spend time with children, dance, sing, spend time with people we really like and who accept us unconditionally.

Most of all, be nice to ourselves and give ourselves compliments whenever possible! Supposedly, if we think we're wonderful, others will too;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

"The wrong person can be the perfect person" too

For those who meet, fall in love and find their happily ever after - especially the high-school sweethearts, childhood sweethearts - such stability and security ... and possibly envy from the rest of us;) So many of us pick from the box of chocolates, sampling, contemplating, wanting more, or souring... and this can really go on. When it's fun, it's great and when it's not, the whole thing tires, does it not? For sure, but maybe if we attempt a paradigm shift, we can muster a few more chocolates, no matter how sweet or gross, Lol.

It's hard to look back on some of the crap romances without regret. It's so easy in hindsight to feel guilty or angry, thinking someone wasted our time, or we wasted their time. We can see clearly how wrong each situation was and we have a tendency to beat ourselves up, feeling that we're failing or making bad decisions. Relationship experts say, however, that whether we spend one night, one week,  a year, a lifetime, each interaction is valuable in some way. We may not see it right away, but if we're willing to consider that each person brought something meaningful, however small, into our awareness and into our lives, then we've come out ahead. The idea is to move toward better and better compatibility, having discovered over time what makes us feel good. If we can be ourselves with someone, that's a hell of a start. (For further exploration on healing past relationships, check out You Can Heal Your Heart, but Louise Hay and David Kessler... some very comforting ways of thinking about the past).

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The unlikely cure: non judgment

Why does judgment come so easy? Why do we go there? Why do we feel the need to review, analyze, critique, compare? And why does it feel so good to find fault out there somewhere, with others, with institutions, with life. We may gossip or complain, searching for the ultimate catharsis in the annoyances and disturbances of life. Interesting to ponder though, are we're feeling better after? Inlightening wisdom from experts of all walks of life contends that judgment actually has the opposite effect. Hmmmm....

So here's a rather profound way of thinking about things that are foreign, different, uncomfortable, unappealing. If we consider the spice section of the supermarket, we notice the expanse of flavours available. When we go to select the spices for our kitchen however, we merely look for the names of our personal choices and that's that. We are aware of the other spices - the ones we've not tried and have no reference point to, or the ones we're familiar with, but aren't our cup of tea - but we are comfortable with the existence of all of these options. Apparently, if we can look at people  and things in this way, we may achieve a level of healthy detachment. Although others may make decisions we don't understand or agree with, we have a shot at learning to accept them, or at least be comfortable with their existence. Ultimately, it is said that when we make allowances for others, we make allowances for ourselves as well and that can feel pretty freeing. Very cool :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Death by a thousand paper cuts

How do we know when to call it quits on something; a job, a relationship, friendship? We've probably all been in the situation where we keep having some unwanted experience and yet somehow we keep doing the same thing... and we're left cold or upset or wanting, over and over... and praying that something will miraculously change. Usually it doesn't and as the saying goes, the very definition of insanity is to continue doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Why do we do this? Why is it so hard to accept some realities? Well, there may be some assistance if the pro's and con's list isn't working.

According to Ask and It Is Given, by Esther and Jerry Hicks, if we can focus on "better feeling thoughts", we can help nudge ourselves out of the maze in our brains. When we're stuck in a repetitive pattern of thinking, particularly if the thoughts are pessimistic and/or depressive, we might want to try inserting a thought that makes us feel better. It doesn't even matter if the thought is in dreamland. The better the thought makes us feel, the easier it'll be to shift and eventually find our way up and out of the dark tunnel. This may not be easy at times, but apparently if we just keep trying, eventually we'll find ourselves in a better place. Maybe we could try it. We're worth it;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Where to put our baggage ;)

Over the years we collect possessions, some prized, some outdated and needing to be retired or re-gifted. In kind, our past relationships leave us with emotional belongings, some cherished, some lost, some niggling and unsettled. As the saying goes "the quality of our good-bye's determines the quality of our hello's" and so in pursuit of our highest good, the opportunity is available for us peer into our relationship dynamics of the past.

Relationship and grieving experts tell us to; not judge any experience as right or wrong, be gentle with ourselves and review what we received and did not receive from our past relationships. When we were with these past partners, did they bring love, light and joy into our lives? With the valuable insights gained, may we learn what we need in order to be fulfilled. May we find the capacity to give and receive love in more fulfilling ways. May we learn that love resides solely within us, first and foremost. May we believe that from this warm and nurturing place, the love we desire will find us.

Overcoming past loss and grief can be challening. The brain has a tendency to recycle negative, hurtful statements. Positive and productive affirmations are said to be miracle workers, if we give them a chance. Louise Hay and David Kessler, authors of You can Heal Your Heart, offer these statements for our contemplation:

I forgive myself
I totally release all past experiences
I am so happy to be healing old patterns
I lovingly heal my end in the relationship
I love myself no matter what
Even if I'm scared, I love myself
I am grateful for my life no matter what
I attract relationships that reflect who I am and what I want
Good things are on their way to me

May we feel better about today, all of our tomorrows and our connections with others.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Our addictive and obsessive tendencies

Wisdom from Rob Brezsny, The Westender

"We all have addictive and obsessive tendencies. They are fundamental to being human. So the challenge is not to eliminate them - that's not possible - but rather to harness them. If you hope to keep them from dragging you down, you must work hard to channel them into activities that enhance your life. How are you doing on this score? Are you chronically dependent on drugs, gambling, sugar, chaotic relationships? Or are you, instead, hooked on the courage you summon when you face your fears and the willpower you invoke as you free yourself from your limitations? ..."

It's never too late to "upgrade our addictive and obsessive tendencies" and create something different and better in our lives ... no pain, no gain, right;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The secret to success: don't give up

Struggle is an inevitability in life. Fun? Not!! Lol!.. but knowing and expecting challenge to be a part of life may take the sting out of it.. maybe just a little;)

The experts say that in order to succeed and be happy we can think about doing three things:

* Show up
* Keep trying
* Have hope

Most of all, don't give up. Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The Fifty Shades of Grey reaction

Fifty Shades of Grey caused quite the stir. The impact of this book has been widely talked about. Over dinner parties, men have been heard to murmur hesitantly and under their breath "maybe I should pick up this book at some point". Some men have uttered "I wondered why she got so bossy in bed all of a sudden?!". Women laugh coyly in the moment and then have a lot to say privately with their female friends. What are these colourful reactions telling us?

Most people have either seen or heard of the Friends TV show episode on the 7 erogenous zones for women and Fifty Shades of Grey touches on similar territory. Women have pretty universally talked about the desire/need for more attention, lead up to and time spent on creating sexual intimacy. Fifty Shades of Grey has clearly brought the topic to the fore once again. For those who have experienced this popular culture phenomenon, what does the conversation mean to us and our relationships? Men may want to discard the book as silly trash and women may secretly hope/wish their men would read it, in the hopes of igniting fresh passion and excitement. Either way, it may be a lark for couples to read the book together. You never know, the material may provide a comfortable way of discussing likes and dislikes, maybe offer something new and low risk to try. Maybe live a little, Lol;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Forgiving those who have trespassed against us

We have all been hurt.... and is there anything more difficult than overcoming the deep pain others have inflicted upon us? We are left powerless, out of control, confused and tormented, as our minds turn the event(s) over and over, analyzing every which way. Why did they do this to us? Why did they hurt us so? How can we stop the unwanted thoughts from crashing in on us? How can we move forward when we've been so desperately wronged? We've all probably heard that harbouring negative feelings/anger for others only hurts us in the end ... and that's all well and good, but how do we stop the cycle of feeling hurt, then angry, then hurt? How do we release ourselves when part of us cannot let go of the injustice of it all? It would take a pretty incredible mind shift to move past this potentially life altering time in our history. Sometimes we need a miracle, or at least a new perspective to jar us out of our painful thinking.

Some who have managed to move forward, with relief and freedom from the past, offer this gift of wisdom...

Forgiveness does not mean approval. It involves a willingness to see with new eyes- to understand and let go. They did what they did out of their own weakness. You did not deserve it. They could not teach you what they did not know. They could not give you what they did not have.
                                                       -Dr Louise Hart, The Winning Family

Maybe we can look outside of ourselves and see that this is about the other person. This is about their weakness, their limitation(s). Perhaps even find a place of compassion so we can release ourselves from the handcuffs of our past... allowing us to move forward, onto happier times and potentially onto someone who is more capable of loving us. Maybe we can focus on that - seeking those who are less burdened, so that we are less burdened. Shall we try?

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The familiar: safety or a prison?

There is something universal in creature comforts and familiarity. According to experts, we feel more comfortable with who and what we know, than we do forging new ground. Like grooves in a record, we can find ourselves stuck in recurring patterns, almost against our will. Without significant attention and forethought, we can be at risk of perpetuating the past, and potentially unwanted and dysfunctional family of origin tendencies. We can also "attract" partners who play a role in holding us hostage to these unhealthy dynamics. But how do we know when something feels "right" or when it's just something we're comfortable with and perhaps a pattern we should be trying to break? Tough one...

If we find ourselves in and out of relationships, in and out of jobs, odds are there's something niggling. Especially if we leave feeling an emotional debt, so to speak. If we gave too much in the relationship and now we feel angry in hindsight, or we realize we were putting up with too much at work or in the relationship, and now we're left spent, maybe we should spend a few moments taking stock. A savvy Vancouver relationship therapist and teacher advises that in relationships each person should have "ten toes in the circle", in other words, both people have to be equally committed and giving the same effort. If one person is less committed and the other person over-comits, then the relationship is out of balance and won't likely survive. Why do we over-comit? Well, perhaps we "learned" that we have to "earn" love in order to get attention when we were growing up, or our parents were too busy to spend time, so we're "used to" going without a lot of connection or warmth in relationships... and so we can kill ourselves giving at work, in relationships, in friendships, only to find ourselves holding an empty bag at the end of the day. The good news is, apparently, if we take a little bit of time each day being aware of and asking for what we want and need, this may be all it takes to turn the tide and arrive at something more enticing in our lives. Sound possible?

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Negativity and complaining: another form of cancer

So many things go wrong in life and complications are endless. It is very easy, almost natural, to get into the habit of complaining. It can feel better when we talk about stuff and bitching has it's own catharsis for sure. Wise, successful people and help professionals alike, however, will say that this is a trap and can be a veritable black hole.

There are a lot of resources out there saying the same thing - what we think about, is likely what we're going to get. So if we spend too much time thinking about what's gone wrong, what's going to go wrong and we live in this fear/dissatisfaction place, we are probably doomed to see these fears roll out. A spiritual perspective links unhealthy thinking with unhealthy body. Even science admits to the placebo effect: upwards of 35% of patients who believe they are receiving a healing treatment, will greatly improve. In the same way that we're supposed to watch what we eat, we're supposed to watch what we think. The whole "fake it "til you make it" idea may be no joke. There is evidence on smiling- if we smile even when we don't feel like it, our chemistry empirically improves and we miraculously begin to feel better. Maybe a smile a day keeps the doctor away... and the psychiatrist away, Lol;) Worth a shot?

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Self love and peace: get out of jail card

Wherever we are, whatever we're doing, whatever we've done in the past, whomever we're seeing or not seeing, we will always have ourselves to contend with. As the saying goes, "we come in alone and we'll go out alone", and as another great saying goes, "no matter where you go, there you are". A very astute therapist recently said, "we cannot change our legacy, or our family of origin, and so some things we're going to need to accept, live with and find peace with". That sounds like such great advice. How exactly do we achieve this?

Finding peace with what we've been through, what's happened to us, what we're left to deal with, and figuring out how to proceed and find happiness and fulfillment in life is no easy task. Even with a lot of therapy, life coaching, books, all the meditation and yoga in the world, and a lot of time and money later, we can still be left with a hangover from our life history. Hopefully we've gained some great friendships, a bit of wisdom and compassion for others... but how do we achieve a sense of being truly ok now and into the future. Great teachings from various walks of life point to letting ourselves off the hook. All the kindness, generosity, care and allowances we give others... if we can just direct that back at ourselves... tell ourselves that we have done our best at each given moment. With what we've been through, with what we knew at the time, with the limited knowledge we had then, with the limited skills we were raised with, we did our very best. We can't ask more of ourselves than that. If we feel we didn't do our best, then with that life experience, we can do better next time. It is never too late to let ourselves off the hook. Here's a little affirmation, and kindness we can give ourselves. (From The Law of Forgiveness, by Connie Domino).

I forgive myself completely and freely. I release myself and let me go. So far as I'm concerned the incident that happened is finished forever. I wish the best for me. I wish for myself my highest good. I hold myself in the light. I am free and all again is well with me. Peace be with me.

Let's give ourselves a get out of jail card. Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Love or saviour complex

The never ending question of love... what is it and how do we know when we've found our special someone... or when we are just trying to "save" someone so that they can love us and become our true love... ugh? Relationships of all sorts can be valuable and maybe we shouldn't be so fixated on finding "the one" anyhow. But finding someone who would be wonderful if they could just be more this or that, or if they just could just see how truly great they really are... and we're gonna help them, love them into getting there... ugh again. For anyone who's done this and has seen the light, hallelujah! It's a tough one because helping, giving, being generous are all noble on the surface. But maybe there's more to the story.

Helping professionals can sniff out our "helping" relationships and explain that when we're focused on someone else, or others in general, we're generally ignoring and/or sacrificing our own needs and maybe our individuality in general. This syndrome is apparently a ticking time bomb anyway because beneath the surface, we're likely becoming resentful and bitter anyway. So, helping, being generous, excellent... but making others a priority over our own happiness is a drain in the end. Give and take,  giving and receiving, loving and being loved back is the goal, so they say. Sounds healthy;)

Blessings,

Chatigrl

Going it alone to find "the one"

The roster, the little black book, the online pokes and dates... there are numerous avenues and a few schools of thought on searching for romance. Of course it depends on what kind of excitement we're looking for. It's easier than ever to "hook up" with dating sites and apps that conveniently locate someone right in our area. If we're looking for that special someone and we're ready to commit long term though, apparently the numbers game may not be the ideal approach.

According to the book Finding Your Extraordinary Love, by Corinn Giuntoli, if we maintain a roster, or a line up of "intimate" dating partners, we will attract others who are doing the same. This is said to be a complication and maybe even a hindrance to establishing the relationship/love of our lives. Giutoli says that involuntarily and sort of invisibly, attachments or "cords" form between lovers and this keeps us attached to people we may not actually be that into. So if we really do want to find our ideal match, we may need to go it alone. Being truly "available" is supposedly where it's at;) Easier said than done, I'm sure... but it may be interesting to beta test the theory, if nothing else is working. Just sayin;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Money matters: more confidence and a modicum of control

On a completely different topic, money is a big focus for most people, particularly post September 2008. The economy continues to keep most of us in a position of stretching the not so almighty dollar. Job security is not a certainty these days, incomes are typically lower and yet prices continue to soar. Apparently, we've never talked about money this much in our lives and things are out of our control more than ever. Fortunately, according to financial experts, there are a few small, fairly painless things we can do to provide some much needed relief and a sense of calm and confidence in our future.

Suze Orman, in the 9 Steps to Financial Freedom offers the following tips to name a few:

* Stay home one day a week - make sure to have all the food, entertainment needed (and stay away from the home shopping network/online shopping, Lol),
* For recurring expenses such as hair cuts, wait an extra week in between visits
* Keep track of what we're spending, and on what, monthly... apparently, we tend to adjust our spending when we see exactly where our money is going. Gives us a chance to decide ahead of time where we want our money to go.
* For more tips, check out the book :)

What's really interesting is this.. according to Suze Orman, no matter how much we make, we tend to find ourselves in debt. We raise our standard of living according to our earning power. So, we're supposed to intentionally live under our means, watch our money grow and voila! No more money problems:) Well, not sure, Lol. For most of us, our eyes are bigger than our stomachs, so we're going to continue wanting new stuff.... but by introducing some of the genius tips from experts like Suze Orman, we may be able to get ahead anyway. Nice!

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Being "right" at the expense of our relationships

Most people are uncomfortable with conflict and in addition to that, most of us really like to be right!... am I right, Lol ;) Put these two things together and 2 + 2 = 5 a lot of the time in relationships. Thing is, when we avoid conflict, nothing gets resolved and even worse, blow ups are often the result and can lead to sad endings. Needing to be right can be such a rabbit hole. I mean, what's the win? Being right and alone sucks, right, Lol ;)?

The experts talk a lot about communication and this registers as blah, blah, blah. Communication is so frickin' vague already. What do they mean - communication about what, and how?? It's not easy facing friction and difficulty in general, let alone with people we care about... especially when we're feeling angry, hurt, sensitive. So what exactly are we supposed to do? A lot of therapists/coaches will say that we need to be "vulnerable". Ugh... so are we saying we need to be flapping in the wind, foolishly, weakly facing our partner and crying and complaining like babies? Well, no, not necessarily, thank goodness. Maybe we can hold onto our dignity and just speak like adults... explain clearly what our experience is and how we've been feeling about the goings on in the relationship (without blaming and beginning sentences with "you always" or "we never" etc)... and perhaps a great discussion can transpire, clearing the air and setting some ground rules. When it comes to who's right, the experts say this is absolute rubbish. Who frickin' cares really? Apparently, what we should care about is how each person feels. If we're so busy needing to be right, nobody's listening. Everyone's too busy trying to be heard. So if we shut our cake holes for a second;), take a breath and actually hear each other, maybe we can learn about our loved ones and achieve some understanding. What's interesting about listening is that often our loved ones are right. Therapists say that if we survey our five closest friends/family members, they'll have similar feedback about us and what we're like to be in a relationship with. Pretty enlightening, if we can handle it;) The experts say it's not so much what's being said anyway, but how things are said... and if we speak only about how we're feeling, it can be pleasantly disarming for those around us... and in the end our needs may have some hope of being met. That's what we're after anyway, right?! :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Men and Women: bridging the gap

Ahhh men and women... the great divide, and a constant source of gossip and material;) Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by Dr John Gray was a pretty popular book in its day and a decent enough starting place for exploring some of the key differences between men and women. In The Keys to the Kingdom, Allison Armstrong discusses how fundamentally and differently men and women process and experience daily life. Many references offer specific and scientific proof of the differences between the sexes (i.e. men have a higher body temperature, different hormones, different architecture of the brain etc.). Kim Sarrasin, relationship expert, presents and teaches ideas on how men and women can actually be a part of the solution, rather than the problem... very enlightening!

So rather than focusing on the differences per se, it's kind of a mind-bender to hear about some of these potential solutions and discover that the opposite sex may not be the bad guy after all, Lol !. We all know we can't change people anyway, so this could be interesting. According to Ms Sarrasin's philosophy, and the most interesting thing, is that men and women may not be intentionally f--king each other around... well, of course there's some of that too.... but not necessarily. So, in the end, supposedly, we just terribly misunderstand one another. We also do not know how to communicate effectively with one another. Here are a few tips from Kim:

Women: men often do really want to make us happy, but they could really use some help with the how to. For some reason we (women) really like it if men can read our minds, ha ha... but of course, they can't, so we need to give specific direction on where we want to go, or what we'd like for Christmas etc. Hinting is not sufficient-  we need to write it down, or suggest directly.

Men: what do women want? Easy.... attention, attention and more attention. According to Kim, women care about this more than money and more than kind words...

For more Kim Sarrasin secrets on bridging the gap, check her out online.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Commitment: are we walking the walk?

If it's not one thing, it's another in life. Most of us spend a significant amount of time commenting on the seemingly endless slough of things that go wrong, be it technology, something at work, family or relationship drama, a parking ticket, speeding ticket, a new and unexpected expense, and on and on. Why do things always seem so out of balance? Great things happen for sure, but along with the rockin' times come a lot of unwanted tasks or fall out from something or other. I think for most of us, relationship drama hits the hardest and the deepest. I mean, can't we all just get along already, Lol;) Even when we seek help, or put everything we've got into a relationship, we seem powerless to resolve differences that drive a wedge. The mundane glitches in life are just that and although annoying, we can get past them in short order and they'll happily slip into our mental trash bin. The people stuff is trickier. Relationship wreckage can really hurt and have a lasting effect. In fact, we may be carrying the past into the preset, on into the future and into our new relationships. For instance, if someone was cheated on in the past, good luck trusting the next person. Ouch. This is such an unpleasant subject and most of us would rather do anything than hover over this gunk. But what if there was something really important and ground breaking to ponder? What if there was a ray of profound hope that could turn the old relationship rubic's cube into something we've given up hoping for? Anything profound usually involves some willingness to dig down a little, but still, it may be inspiring and novel to look at things a differently...

So here's the deal... and many schools of thought say something similar. In fact, I think most of us have heard something like this along the way, but for some reason it just doesn't register... so, we've all heard about commitment and fears around commitment, but I don't know if anyone actually admits to having a problem with it. Even if we're able to admit to commitment issues, it's out there somewhere - like maybe we haven't met the right person, or we haven't been able to stick with some job because of bad bosses, or an impossible co-worker or what have you. Thing is, I don't know that we really apply the concept of commitment to ourselves. If we do think about committing to ourselves, it just sounds kind of ridiculous. Of course we're committed to ourselves. We're living our lives aren't we? But according to the experts, many of us are not committed to ourselves and therefore our lives are in a state of much flux, maybe in all areas and certainly in our primary relationships. Supposedly, we spend a lot of time out in the world, focused on others and what they're doing that we don't like, or on what isn't working in our cities, or in the world... but it is said that we are not pointing the finger at ourselves in kind and so we continue looking for something external to make us happy, bring us pleasure, solve our issues. The bigger question is, if we are looking in the mirror, what are we supposed to do with that anyway? Most good therapists, coaches, books will say that if we're not taking care of how we feel about ourselves, and of how we treat ourselves first and foremost, we're in for a rocky ride. Self worth is probably an over used expression and I think we kind of make fun of the idea, but the concept is key according to experts. If we can start by going easy on ourselves and making sure we're treating ourselves nicely and thinking we're great, others will too. If we can go a step further and observe the things we say and do out in the world, we may be pleasantly surprised. It is said that if we lie to ourselves, we will be lied to by others and if we betray ourselves, we will be betrayed by others etc. The old saying that we get back what we give out comes to mind, and according to this whole commitment to self thing, it seems that if we commit to ourselves in a more meaningful and thoughtful way, others will supposedly commit to us in a way that we've only dreamed of. (For a more intense look into "self" commitment, check out Coming Home by John Bradshaw, or Healing Your Relationship With Yourself, by Joel Brass).

Blessings,

Chagirl

"Deliberate mistakes": diamonds in the rough

No one likes to make mistakes and we really don't like making mistakes in front of others, especially those we know and/or care about. Makes sense because mistakes can be costly and humiliating. I think we all know that everyone messes up at one time or another, but somehow it's still embarassing when it happens to us. Good news is, some of the best things come from our flub ups. Actually a lot of inventions have come out of accidents or mistakes. In our less monumental, mortal existence, we may not see such important benefits, but experts say different.

Apparently, with each wrong turn, we do learn and change for the better over time. Well, maybe not everyone, Lol;) We can certainly choose to remain stuck or just content with the status quo... but is our life exciting when we do this? Apparently, if we do need to feel alive and we're willing to keep putting ourselves out there, we can choose to make "deliberate mistakes" so that we're not held hostage by fear, indifference or complacency. John Caddell says by "reframing tough tasks as 'deliberate mistakes' we can help remove all the pressure that can keep us frozen, all while learning something along the way". So, if we choose to try something new that has a low downside, we can be pleasantly surprised and perhaps even overturn some false assumptions or beliefs about ourselves. To quote Henry Ford, "if you believe you can't do something, you're always right". Wise people always say half the battle is showing up, so if we show up and choose to try something we're unsure of, who knows what will come:)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Season, a reason or a lifetime?

Not sure who coined this phrase and not sure why it isn't more commonly referred to. There is a lot of fixation on finding a soul mate, "the one" or just being paired up in general. It's pretty much a societal imperative that we should pair off and this can put a lot of pressure on dating scenarios. A lot of us avoid holidays and family in general because of the inevitable and often uncomfortable inquiry into our romantic lives. The beloved Bridget Jones Diary movie did a brilliant job of portraying such a setting: Bridget shows up to a dinner party only to be ambushed by a veritable couple tribunal... every single person's worst nightmare. Even if we're content on our own and/or wanting to be certain before committing long term, we can be left feeling somewhat disturbed because many people assume we're not happy or we're not "whole" unless we have a partner. Is anyone brave enough to inquire into the marriages/relationships of these concerned parties? Are they truly fulfilled or is their relationship long since dead and they're just telling themselves that at least they're not alone? ... just curious;) Either way, as we all know, love is not something we can conjure up. It just happens one day... and if we're in a rush, odds are we're going to wake up after the honeymoon's worn off and realize something's just not right and now we have to go through the pain of unraveling everything. Not fun. So what to do?

A season, a reason or a lifetime is a great notion because it lets us off the hook. If we keep this thought in mind, we can take the pressure off our next blind date, first date, current squeeze or ongoing boyfriend/girlfriend. We can take our time and really consider how things are going. If we keep trying to make each person the "right one' all the time, we may not be noticing when they're not a match. Think of how much more fun dating could be with no pressure. If we're in the moment and enjoying each date, or the dynamics of our relationship, we may just notice all of the great things we like and the things that are not so much. Either way, hopefully we've had a lot more fun and frolic along the way and end up with some quality information about ourselves; what we like, don't like, can live with, can't live without etc. More fun, less pressure, better result? Sounds good to me;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Denial can be devastating

Why is denial not often talked about or admitted to? Perhaps we're in denial about being in denial;)  The dictionary definition of the word is "refusal to believe a doctrine, theory or the like". So, what of it? What is so important about denial and why should we care? Therapists and support group systems will say that things we deny can be at the route of what troubles us. Even worse, denial can be at the route of things we're unwilling to look at that may be running and potentially f'ing up our lives. So, maybe this is something worth exploring...

Denial is no stranger to the addiction world. As the motto goes, "the first step is admitting there's a problem". If we don't have a problem, then all is good, right? Maybe not... what if there is a problem and we just don't want to see it... because if we admit there's a problem, what does that mean? Well, it might mean that we have to make a change, or even scarier, maybe there's a problem we can't fix... or there's something we need to fix and we don't know how or we just can't. That whole scary and potentially explosive time bomb can make a person pretty apprehensive and squirrelly. Makes sense for sure, but anyone who's gotten clean and sober will have a story about how life fell apart until there was nothing left, and in they end they had to deal with the whole denial thing anyway. So, maybe if we look under the hood once in a while and check for leaks, we may be able to prevent a whole lot of ugly fall out down the road. For instance, if we make believe that we're with the right partner all the way down the aisle and into family life, we can end up with a whole lot of pain, expense and potentially damaged children. Or if we keep telling ourselves we're "fine" when we're not, we can end up in a state of depression, job loss, unexpected break ups or any other number of devastating consequences. Why is it so hard to admit when there's a nagging issue? Not sure, but it seems that denial of our deepest truths may be our silent and/or hidden kryptonite.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The When Harry Met Sally Question - can men and women be friends?

When Harry Met Sally explores this topic with a lot of humour and probably one of the best scenes in the history of romantic comedy movies (Meg Ryan fakes an orgasm with oscar winning brilliance, in case you've been living on a desert island somewhere and didn't catch the movie and/or the water cooler debate afterward). Harry and Sally did eventually become friends, despite Harry's insistance that men and women cannot be friends... and in the end they realized that they were in love with each other after all. So, can men and women really be friends?? There's probably no conclusive answer to this, but it's such fun topic to analyze.

There is both popular and scientific debate on the topic. Louann Brizendine (Neuropsychiatrist), in The Female Brain contends that women's behavior is different than men's due to hormonal and architectural differences in the brain. The book discusses specific issues, such as sexualization, and notes that some men are essentially hard-wired to be either capable of monogamy or not and that men are hard-wired for greater sexual focus than are women. Those who disagree claim that there is a great deal of male-female overlap at the individual level. From the popular world, the male consensus seems to line up with Harry's, in that sexual attraction gets in the way of a purely platonic relationship. Most women seem to feel that friendship is possible and tend to put men in the "friend zone" when they either aren't interested or they're unavailable. What I'm wondering is this... if a man and a woman meet, have a great connection and for whatever reason sex is off the table, are they not able to be friends? Are we not capable of thinking someone is fabulous and attractive, perhaps even caring about them and maintaining a relationship... even if there is an attraction? Like feel the fear and do it anyway - can't we just feel the attraction and have the friendship anyway. Maybe not...  but just sayin'.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Love or not love? Rose tinted glasses anyone?

Do we really know what love is? How do we know that someone loves us or that we love them... for real? Clearly there are many kinds of love - the love for a family member/child, friend etc., but when it comes to romance, things get more complicated. The stakes are higher when we're thinking of investing heavily with our time, resources and most importantly our heart and maybe soul, if we're willing to go that deep into it. When a relationship doesn't work out, there's fall out, a sense of loss and it just plain hurts. We start out so hopeful and the relationship seems full of promise. What the heck happens? How do things go so left? Is anyone else out there tired of the merry-go-round? If so, what can we do about this?

First off, what about love? Well, a lot of books and coaches tell us that love is an action. Beyond how we feel, love is something we need to show through "acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts and physical touch", according to The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Apparently each of us has one or two primary needs in feeling love from someone. If our partner does not show love in these particular ways, we will not feel loved... and if our partner truly does love us then he/she is supposed to learn how to love us according to these hardwired needs. Second, are we choosing well from the start? We are told that if we know who we are and what we need, we should have a list of qualities (that mirror our own values/desires/goals) to refer to in our "auditioning" process. It can be flattering to accept someone's adoration and attention, but if this person is not aligned with our core values and desires, we're more than likely putting on the proverbial rose tinted glasses to stay in this "arrangement". Why would we stay with someone who doesn't actually fit the bill? Well, let's be kind to ourselves. Finding Mr or Mrs Right can be a lengthy process, filled with annoying dates and maybe loneliness. But what is the cost of giving up early and "settling"? Maybe we'll be ahead in the end if we take a little more time choosing well up front. Then of course, we have some work to do in making sure we're loving and being loved ..... for real and in the way that both people need.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Does romance lead to fulfillment?

Single, married or any and all other varieties of a love life seem to breed dissatisfaction over time. Is fulfillment even possible? Or is it just the human condition that no matter what we have, we want something else? We want new and shiny and this can be a relentless pursuit... and maybe even a source of depression in the end. What's the deal?

A great therapist may propose that we are looking to something outside of ourselves for fulfillment, when real fulfillment can only come from within. We all seek pleasure in various ways and that's part of the spice of life.... but if we're looking to be truly at peace and content on a deeper level, no amount of sex or chemistry will satisfy our deeper need for lasting joy and contentment. For those just looking for fun and frolic, party on;) .... but for those of us looking for something more meaningful to us, we may need to look beyond romance to be "complete" and truly satisfied. What could/should that look like? Maybe exploring our needs and wants is all we need to do, at least for a start. Who knows what magic may unfold:)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The relationship vacuum

Why is it that when we get into a relationship, take out and television settle in like a comfortable old pair of underwear? We've probably all been on both sides of this equation - equally guilty of wearing nothing but sweatpants at home with the honey, or we're single and annoyed that it takes more than a stick of dynamite to get our "married" friends out to anything fun. Should we be doing something about this seemingly universal phenomenon?

Well, maybe not, but I'm sure we've all been fresh out of a break up and realize, shit,  I don't have anybody to do anything with. I don't have a shoulder to mope on. Likely, what led to the break up in the first place is the old saggy underwear and night after night of Breaking Bad, House of Cards or what have you, Lol;) So, maybe we could think about committing equally to a full life of our own and continue bringing home interesting conversation and a passion for something other than our loved one. I think we actually know that it can be a tremendous amount of pressure on our partner and on the relationship if we're looking to be completely fulfilled within this union, but we get "comfortable" (which may end up being code for bored sexually and otherwise). How do we keep the excitement and freshness alive if we're not bringing new energy to the table? Do we have hobbies, are we learning any new and improved communication or relationship skills? Heck, even companies force us into development type courses, so maybe there's something there? Just sayin':)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Transforming our lives with one small change

It is well documented that change is challenging and we tend to resist it all the way, even when we know we're not happy with the status quo. Change often happens without our consent and we can end up flattened and struggling to catch up. The thing is, even when we want to make a change, it can feel overwhelming. We don't know where to start and we're afraid of the implications. What if we make the change and we're not happier, or God forbid, things are somehow worse in the end? There's a lot of fear involved. We just don't know and we can remain stuck long term, or indefinitely. What if we could transform our lives, experience minimal discomfort and take very little risk....?

Apparently, if we make one small change, we can alter our entire lives for the better,  without giving it much thought. The experts say that each day is made up of habits, rather than well-considered decisions, to the tune of 40% or more habitual activities. Each of these "auto-pilot" actions on it's own doesn't seem like a big deal, but over time, the meals we order, how we talk to our loved ones, how we organize our thoughts etc. can have an enormous impact on our lives and well being. Supposedly, if we focus on shifting just one of these "Keystone" habits, we can actually teach ourselves how to reprogram other routines in our lives as well. Neurological patterns in the brain can be overriden by new patterns. Our brain actually changes, as the old neurological patterns are crowded out by new urges. The brain can develop new areas of behavior, such as inhibition or self-discipline, so new and more beneficial behaviors can become automatic to us. This technique has been successfully applied to business as well, by such companies as Starbucks, P&G and Target. By applying this approach to employees, and the business overall, companies have successfully influenced customer purchasing habits and enjoyed higher profits. So, perhaps we can come up with just one troublesome habit (that we've probably already considered changing), do that one thing differently ... and then keep making small adjustments until we're living the life of our dreams. How great would that be:) (For more info, check out The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business, by Charles Duhigg).

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Cleaning house: de-fragging our mental and emotional hard drive

What quantity of s--t are we dragging around over the years?... and I'm exhausted just thinking about it. We are told to de-frag our computers and apparently we can benefit similarly from cleaning house with our emotional life accumulations. We tend to want and/or need to put the past behind us as quickly as possible. We proceed to throw out all of the old photo's and any other reminders of the ex, who just became somebody we don't know anymore. We kinda want this person to disappear from our existence asap and we try to burry the memories along with all of the suddenly icky mementoes. Are we saying this is wrong? ... Well, what the experts say is, as crap as it sounds, we may need to (even if we don't want to) sort through some of those memories before we give them their much deserved funeral. The goal is to "process" the past, so that we are not doomed to repeat it. Sequels can be boring at the best of times and re-living the crime scene is not high on the list, but we don't really want to replicate the painful break ups do we? All the experts are saying is that if we're willing to "mine" our past, we may be surprised at the insights we uncover and this could be worth the pain of the exercise. So, what are we supposed to be doing?

In whatever form we so desire (because there are a gazillion options out there), we are supposed to review our past and "deal" with the problem occurances. To each his own in terms of the depth and breadth of scrubbing the past, but with options like EMDR (processing and removing past trauma's from our hard drive for sure) we can really clean house. The benefit of doing this sort of life review can be huge. With  EMDR in particular, it is said that we can remove the sting from a whole thread of troublesome life events, which should free us up for the present moment's romantic and other life choices. For example, if we knew as a kid that our father/mother had ongoing and secret romantic affairs, chances are we'll end up at some point with a partner who will have affairs on us.... until we go back and process the emotion around this betrayal framework. The professionals tell us sky's the limit if we're willing to bravely face some old stuff. (For more info on EMDR check out Getting Past Your Past by Francine Shapiro).

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The 'you complete me" fallacy: the plug and the socket

We are raised with stories of princes and princesses, with the happily ever as our goal. Hollywood love stories and romance novels continue to sell out at a rapid pace, as we search for some connection to this promise. Most people, however, are not and never have lived this sort of romantic tale. People disappoint us and somehow we are left feeling badly about ourselves for our failed relationships and/or marriages. We suffer the post mortem and the seemingly necessary and involuntary purgatory of the dry spell afterword and rack our brains for answers. Should we take a moment to think before plunging into the next ex-relationship or ex-marriage? There's a reason one commonly hears "hey, do you wanna be my next ex-wife" as a punchline in the single scene. So perhaps we actually have some awareness that there's trouble in paradise and that we may want to question the "you complete me" notion. Talk about a buzz kill;) We all want that hot passionate romance I'm sure and the traditional love story sounds so appealing. Why are we questioning this and it's a drag to think of denying that honeymoon feeling. Well, let's not get depressed just yet - let's just think of how we can approach things differently so that we end up with the best possible happily ever after that we can;) Some very wise people want to tell us that we just need to "complete" ourselves first - that's the "plug and the socket" theory.

So what the heck is the plug and the socket all about? ... sounds dull and boring, like a hardware store, Lol;). Even my eyes are glazing over. But hang in there for a second with me. Apparently, if we look inward at ourselves with a little more commitment, we should be able to attract someone far, far better for us. The compatibility factor will rise substantially and the potential for drama and trauma will go down considerably. Supposedly, if we're not "conscious" in choosing romantic partners, we are probably looking to "plug in" to someone else (i.e. filling some kind of void), instead of "plugging" into ourselves and what we really need and want, deep down. If we approach romance in the way we review our finances, or set up a fitness regime or learn a new skill, the due diligence process should net better results. Again, this all sounds as dull as an excel spreadsheet... but what if we really do end up happier and more fulfilled by trying this on for size? Maybe it's worth it! What have we got to lose?.... maybe we'll lose less on the other end. If our new relationship works long term, then we won't be stuck deciding who gets the Apple TV or worse, how much we'll need to pay the ex in alimony. Just sayin';)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Community: the healing potential of group activities

Many of us live in the action of a big city with so much to do and yet manage to feel quite isolated at times, or quite often. With the age of the internet, social media, devices, dating sites, texting etc, etc, we can be in a state of constant connectedness and social activity... yet so many people talk about how alone they feel and how difficult it can be to make new friends or to find a life partner. How can this be? Life has changed so much for the better with easier access and greater convenience, but have we lost something in the process? How can we feel in a state of such connectedness and yet feel so disconnected at the same time? Is there a way to find that old fashioned sense of community, given the fast-paced, full-on lifestyle most of us are living? I mean, what are we all chasing at such a break-neck pace anyway? I think most of us have figured out that accumulating "stuff" delivers a pretty short-lived high, so consumption as a goal probably isn't the answer to long lasting happiness.

So, how do we go about finding a sense of community these days? Good old fashioned dances and such don't seem to exist in the big city anymore. Past high school, and maybe College or University, bars and restaurants seem to have taken over as the local meet-up hang outs, but there's no guarantee of making a real connection in that environment. Beyond that, internet dating and locator-type apps seem to be gaining great popularity right now - and hey, if that's your thing, go for it. Have fun! For those of us who are looking for something a little more old school, there may be something to group activities, like local drop in sport games or classes at local colleges. For the brave souls out there seeking radical change and looking to really get to know people, group work, (i.e. group therapy) can be an incredible way to understand how universal the human experience is and can deliver some potentially ground breaking, long term life changes for the better. Totally novel and unexpectedly cool, if you can get past the first day of school type/peer-pressure or internal resistance type hang-ups.

Blessings,

Chatgirl