Taking care of number one - part two

Taking care of number one when we're single is pretty do-able I think. We have more time on our hands and for the most part we can focus on what we personally need and want on a daily basis. There's always work, friends and family stuff that we need to attend to, but overall it's probably manageable, time-wise. Things get more complicated when a relationship happens. To continue managing our own world and our own happiness can be a challenge, given new, and exciting additions to our calendar. I have to say, I've learned about all of this the hard way. In the past, I think I pretty much failed at taking great care of myself and owning my needs, let alone wants. A good therapist will tell us that we can easily revert back to old family of origin type paradigms when we open our heart to someone new. If we've been starved for love and affection in our early years, we may find ourselves almost over-functioning and giving too much. Sounds kinda sad when you say it cold and out loud like that. Ouch!.. but hey, better to be more aware and make a good change, than hide from our past mistakes I think, Lol ;) But, seriously, my favourite therapist says that for those of us who have abandonment/rejection/neglect issues, we have to be even more vigilant about checking in with ourselves and meeting our own needs... then the new romance can function separately and on it's own merit. It may just take some focus, attention and practice. There's a great book called Keeping the Love You Find, by Harville Hendrix that explains all of this. The book includes interesting and enlightening exercises that reveal patterns in our romantic relationships and the pitfalls we struggle with. For example, if we grew up neglected, we'll probably be a little frightened when faced with too much space in a relationship because we'll need more assurance. Conversely, if we grew up a bit suffocated and over-protected, we'll need more space and feel hemmed in if there is too much contact in our relationship. The book recommends practicing getting outside of our comfort zone, so that we can alter our potentially unhealthy tendencies and achieve a more natural and fulfilling balance in our relationship.... for the courageous warriors out there, of course... because I get that not everyone is into this sort of thing :) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl