Giving ourselves a break…

All good vacations have one ingredient in common: they make our unrelenting responsibilities and schedules stop for a little while, so we can rest without being harassed by our own commitments. The same idea applies to the responsibility of being you. The energy required to maintain your identity is probably greater than you realize, and finding a way to relinquish it regularly can help you recharge. 

— Arthur C. Brooks, The Atlantic 

I feel more relaxed just thinking about taking a break. Actually, my partner and I are jetting off on a beach get away shortly. I don’t think I suffer clinically from SADS, but I know that sunshine and warmth are critical for my health and well being. What can I say, I’m allergic to winter, Lol. The dark, grey dampness of fall/winter/early spring is relentless. We’ll be safe as possible, while soaking up the warm sun and frolicking in the green, blue ocean. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

For perspective, visit a cemetery ;) …

Aries philosopher Emil Cioran wrote, “When I meet friends or people I know who are going through a difficult period, I usually have this advice for them: ‘Spend 20 minutes in a cemetery, and you’ll see that though your worry won’t disappear, you’ll almost forget about it and you’ll feel better.” 

— taken from Rob Brezny post, freewillastrology.com

I do believe Cioran is correct. The second I read his advice, the lightbulb went on. As long as we’re on this earth, we still have choices and we still have possibilities. Just sayin’ :) 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“Why we still need feminism!”…

WOMEN 

Are 51% of the population

But 70% of the poor

And 83% of single parents

Doing 66% of the work

Producing 50% of the food

But earn just 11% of the pay

And only 1% of the land

In case you wondered why we still need feminism!

— Willie Allen 

Wow, that’s quite shocking actually. I wouldn’t have called myself a feminist. I tend to be glass half-full, leaning toward compassion, empathy, understanding and allowing time for society to catch up, change and evolve. Given these current statistics, however, I’m feeling that women deserve some time at the microphone. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Forgiving is for you…

Forgive anyone who caused you pain or harm.

Keep in mind that forgiving is not for others. It is for you. Forgiving is not forgetting. It is remembering without anger. It frees up your power, heals your body, mind and spirit. Forgiveness opens up a pathway to a new place of peace where you can persist despite what has happened to you.

— Les Brown

I suffered a humiliating and embarrassing betrayal. I did not see it coming and I figured “everyone” knew. (In the end, most people were as shocked as I was). The romantic part of the relationship had been in serious trouble, but I thought we were friends and would always be friends, or family even. I guess I thought we’d find our way through, or to the end, with respect for one another and the relationship. Well, my bad. It took me a while, but in the end I came to own my share of responsibility in what transpired. In truth, I had pretty much left him, but just didn’t move out. And still, the whiplash has been quite long and lasting. Logically speaking, I absolutely want to forgive the affair between those two trusted people, but emotionally it still stings a bit. I’m working on it though. I want to release the pain and I want the healing. I want that energy and personal power back. I want to focus on loving, nurturing thoughts and activities, particularly as the break up led to a huge transformation and finding the love of my life. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

An unexpected gift…

Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too was a gift.

— Mary Oliver 

I laughed a little at the first sentence. The second sentence is more profound and brings up some tough memories frankly. I would NOT want to go back any of those painful moments, but I do know the resulting transformation earns me at least one badge of honour. Actually, my last break up led to me writing this blog. I was determined to figure out how to identify and find my perfect match/partner and I set out on a journey of intense learning. I saw a number of coaches (life coach, traditional therapist, relationship skills seminars) and read a gazillion books on relationships/communication skills etc. I was coming across some pretty amazing info and my friends kept telling me I should put this stuff on paper, and so I did. I’ve continued with much of the coaching and exploration and this did lead to my ideal mate. The continued learning ensures that this ideal match is kept safe and well cared for. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

To feel cared for…

Sometimes we need someone to simply be there. Not to fix anything, or to do anything in particular, but just to let us feel cared for and supported.

— Unknown

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately, particularly when it comes to our primary, intimate relationship. There’s often a tendency to problem solve, or try to make the other feel better. Dr John Gray covers this in his enlightening book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, where he says men try to solve the problem, rather than simply lend a shoulder. I think women may do it as well. I’ve been noticing lately that I need to listen more and solve less. My favourite therapist says what we usually need is the space to feel what we’re feeling, which is often fear, worry, uncertainty. From there, we can figure out if there’s action required. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

“Reaching the Top Can Kill You Sooner”…

A study of General Electric employees by Tom Nicholas shows how the stress of chasing professional success can shorten an executive’s life…

The historical study of Harvard Business School Professor Tom Nicholas, who tracked the status of mortality rates of more than 1,000 managers and other employees at General Electric starting in the 1930’s, shows that high-level business executives died three to five years earlier on average than lower-level workers at GE, and the research links the deaths to work-related stress. 

“What we’re beginning to understand is that life at the top isn’t that easy.” Says Nicholas, the William J. Abernathy Professor of Business Administration.

The detrimental health impacts of pressure-filled professions are increasingly getting the attention of business leaders, who are not only concerned about the welfare of their workers, but also have an eye on productivity, since research shows that employee wellbeing is associated with firm performance. 

— by Jay Fitzgerald

Food for thought, that’s for sure. The Pandemic seems to be allowing us the opportunity to carefully consider what truly makes us happy, and to be aware of what contributes to/or compromises our overall well being. Personally, I’ve made quite a few work-life balance improvements; I’m no longer willing to let Smonday ruin my weekend, I’m sleeping in a bit more each day (even during the week) and I’m noticing a regular, inner negotiation when my thoughts turn to work during off-hours (as in, do I really need to be thinking about this now, or can it wait until Monday morning. I’ll then add the do-do note to my calendar, so that I know the work will get done first thing Monday. Check. It’s off my mind for now). The results so far: I’m more relaxed and I’m more productive, no question. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Ready to change?…

It’s not that some people have willpower and some don’t.

It’s that some people are ready to change and others are not.

— Unknown

If I think about my most significant moments, many were foisted upon me. When I was 22, my parents didn’t want me to shack up with my boyfriend, and so we got married. I think we would have gotten married eventually, but the parental guilt certainly drove our timeline. In career, I had always fantasized about being an entrepreneur, but it wasn’t until I lost my fancy new job during the 2008 financial crash that I made up business cards, pursued consulting work and ended up in a start up venture. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“The Motivation Myth”…

The Motivation Myth overturns the beloved (but false) idea that motivation leads to success. Instead, small successes lead to constant motivation - and let you achieve your biggest goals while also having more fun.

— Jeff Haden (Author, speaker and ghost writer) 

I haven’t read The Motivation Myth book yet, but this makes so much sense to me. I’ve been in sales for a long time, and little success definitely keep me going (a returned phone call, a booked appointment, positive feedback on my presentation, and finally a sale, which can be a very long time coming). Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

You’re more successful than you think…

7 Unexpected Signs You’re a Lot More Successful Than You Think 

Once in a while, you need to stop and smell your roses: Note only is it good for you, it will motivate you to plant even more.

1. You have enough money that you can make positive changes (Most people live pay check to pay check and some people have to choose between medication and gas).

2. You have close friends (Close friends are increasingly rare and the positive effect of relationships on your life span is double what you get from exercising and just as powerful as quitting smoking).

3. You choose the people around you. If the people around you are people you want to be around you… you’re successful. (And if they’re not, it’s time to start making some changes) 

4. You see failure as training (Failure sucks but it’s also the best way to learn and grow. If you embrace every failure—if you own it, learn from it, and take full responsibility for making  sure that next time things will turn out differently—then you’re already successful).

5. You don’t ask for anything (Successful people aren’t needy. They accept help if offered, but they don’t feel the need to ask. In fact, they focus on what they can do for other people).

6. You let others grab the spotlight (If you aren’t looking for praise or accolades, that means you’re successful. That means you feel proud on the inside, where it counts).

7. You have a purpose (Successful people have a purpose. As a result, they’re excited, dedicated, passionate and fearless. If you’ve found a purpose—if you’ve found something that inspires you, fuels you, makes you excited to get up, get out, and achieve—then you’re successful regardless of how much money you make or what other people think).

 — excerpt from Jeff Haden article in Inc. (Jeff Haden is an author and motivational speaker)

I feel pretty good about 6 of the 7… but I have some work to do around number 6. I’m sort of embarrassed to admit that I really like accolades! Compliments were (and still are) on short supply in my family of origin, so I have a bit of an Achilles heel there. I’ll keep working on it though (with my trusted coach, because she’s genius and helps me make speedier progress)! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Argue better with receptiveness…

Argue better by signalling your receptiveness with these words

While disagreement might be inevitable, there are ways you can take control to avoid escalation and bring out the best in you and the other person… the choices we make within a conversation also matter a lot… there are word choices you can make that will help maintain the relationship, increase your own persuasiveness, and learn more about the other person’s point of view. 

Actively acknowledge the other’s perspective using terms such as “I understand that…”

Affirm the other person’s views by highlighting areas of agreement, no matter how small or obvious

Hedge your claims: say “I think it’s possible rather than “This will happen because…”

Phrases your arguments in positive rather than negative terms. Say “I think it’s helpful to maintain social distance” rather than “You should not be socializing right now.”

— excerpt from Michael Yeomans article in Psyche (Assistant Professor of Organizational Behaviour at Imperial College Business School in London) 

My boyfriend and I have committed to this style of communication, as we find it to be very respectful, nurturing and kind to ourselves, each other and our relationship. It’s worth trying, right? Nothing to lose anyhow. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Solitude can be healing…

Solitude is for me a fount of healing which makes my life worth living. Talking is often a torment for me, and I need many days of silence to recover from the futility of words.

— Carl Jung 

I suppose it depends on whether you’re an extrovert, who is energized by social time, or an introvert, who can be overwhelmed by it. I’ve been told by a specialist that I am an introverted extrovert (didn’t know there was such a thing, Lol), so I need both connection with others and down time to maintain peace and well being. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

“Life is hard”…

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

— Katharine Hepburn

Enough said really… Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

“Can you be addicted to food?”…

Dr Ashley Gearhardt is a world leader in the study of food addiction. An associate Professor of Psychology at the University of Michigan, she has created a first of its kind diagnostic tool called the Yale Food Addiction Scale. The scale mimics questionnaires used to diagnose other addictions like alcohol, tobacco and drugs. The markers for food addiction include intense cravings, loss of control, inability to stop despite knowing the negative impact, and a tendency to relapse. Using that scale, Gearhardt estimates that 15 per cent of people in North America have a physical addiction to food. Her research has pinpointed certain types of food that, in some people, trigger addictive eating. The are: pizza, fries, cheeseburgers, chocolate, potato chips, cookies and ice cream. The common denominator is that all these foods are stripped of nutrients and then highly processed, just like other addictive substances like cigarettes…Gearheardt says the same is true for highly processed fast food. She points to brain scans that show the same areas of the brain light up when eating those foods as when consuming illicit drugs. 

— Avery Haines, Host and Managing Editor, W5 (CTV News) 

Aha! My little battle, and ongoing inner negotiation (can I have a treat today, or should I take a couple more clean days and then treat myself again?) regarding chocolate/sugar makes sense now, Lol. I knew there was a bit of an addictive thing going on there. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

What is success?…

Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.

— Winston Churchill

I’ve thought a lot about success and what it means to me personally. I know I have accomplished many goals up to this point, so I’ll give myself credit for that. I am still, however, in pursuit of my ultimate goal, which is a certain level of financial freedom that will offer more choices and the ability to take extended time off work to enjoy travel and adventures. As time has worn on, I’ve had to re-think and re-define my notions of success and failure because I’m not where I want to be yet. But does that mean I’ve failed? Can I say I have not succeeded, even though I know I’ve accomplished much of what I set out to do? Even recently, I had to tell myself “Girl, your story is not over. You’re still on your journey and sure, it’s taking longer than you expected, but think of all you have accomplished and know that you can achieve your ultimate goal too. Take it easy on yourself and give yourself more time.” Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck! XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

“Hustle culture is so 2020”…

I feel guilty and ashamed admitting this…

But here goes…

This is the most amount of time I’ve taken off in 7 years.

I’ve glamorized hustle culture, I’ve bought into the “contrepreneur” lifestyle of working endlessly depicted on social media.

This week has been one of the most amazing weeks of my life. 

I’ve been up until the early morning hours helping with our newborn son and trying to give my wife a break. 

I’ve become infinitely closer to my daughter. We’ve gone on little walks, enjoyed morning game times, and enjoyed little daddy-daughter dates.

The biggest realization I’ve had is how precious life is and how we can rob ourselves of what life is really about when we focus on trying to keep up with what we see on social medial.

I’m off for the next few weeks and am extremely thankful I’m able to enjoy life!

I’ll always work hard and believe in putting in the time, but I’ve learned there’s always a balance in life. 

Have a great weekend.

Unplug and enjoy life if you can.

Joel and Evie

(Ps. Yes, my house is messy. I’m a real person) 

— Joel Lalgee, Recruiting expert, Podcaster and Founder at Head Hunter Media (Ps. this post went viral on LinkedIn) 

Well said Joel. It seems that so many of us are having this sort of awakening right now. The Pandemic has given us pause for thought, hasn’t it. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and all the best to you! XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“Working overtime… in our dreams?”…

The stressors of pandemic work life are following us to bed, with more people spending their resting hours dreaming of plexiglass, coughing colleagues and “Zoom calls from hell.” The pandemic has blurred work-life balance and has fuelled a rise in burnout, with most pandemic dreams “indicative of our anxiety,” one expert told The Wall Street Journal. 

— Kelli Nguyen, Editor at LinkedIn News 

This uber-focus on work has been killing me that’s for sure. I love working hard and achieving my goals, but this Covid era productivity is something else and it hasn’t been feeling happy or healthy to me. I went through a stretch this summer where I was not at all myself. The usual skip in my step was gone (temporarily, thank goodness) and my glass half full temperament, had become more like a glass a quarter full at best. My beloved colleagues had noticed, but they totally had my back and said they were feeling the same way. Fewf! But I knew I had to find a way to successfully remove myself from the incessant work worries (and I too have been dreaming/stressing in my sleep… because the business is so damn unpredictable these days, as one would expect of course). Some of the changes I’ve made are working. For example, I don’t allow Smonday to ruin my weekend anymore. My boyfriend and I went out for dinner and had a few drinks to end our weekend and you know what, if felt bloody fantastic. I still woke up with drive and ambition, so nothing lost there. I’ve also given myself permission to sleep in an extra 30 - 60 minutes in the morning because I know I’ll end up being productive anyway. If this pandemic is going to take my peaceful sleep, I’m going to bonus myself during the day and I’m going to enjoy my weekend. In summary, I’m giving myself more rest and the permission to tune out as often as I need to. The work is still getting done, I’m as focused as ever… and now I’m starting to have fun with these little rebellions, Lol. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Nothing left in the tank…

If you’re like me, you’re emotionally fried from the last 18 months. Whether you’re doing “okay” or barely holding on, I’m sure most days you feel just as mentally exhausted, on edge, and uninspired as the rest of us.

Keeping calm and carrying on is not working.

You can’t keep going when there’s nothing left in the tank. You need to find another tank or fill up the one you’ve got…

When the world feels upside down like it does right now, you need to become your own lifeline…

You need to know — I mean really know — that you can get through whatever happens next. You need to see how to get through the overwhelm and stress. And more importantly, you need to learn how to up your resilience and double down on optimism. 

— Mel Robbins (Entrepreneur, Best-Selling Author and investor)

I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better to hear that others are feeling exhausted, on edge and uninspired as well. 18 months, and counting, is a very long time to keep adapting and pivoting… and companies aren’t necessarily approaching this pandemic with compassion, empathy and generosity. Then you have the whole vaccine/anti-vax tension, potentially within your close circles. No wonder we’re spent. Personally, I think we’ve all probably done an amazing job of coping, considering what’s been coming at us. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and hang in there. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The ability to accept reality…

The ability to accept reality is one of the most useful, and most misunderstood, skills for a leader. It’s a concept that’s been around for centuries in philosophy and more recently in psychology, and properly applied can help drive change. As Carl Jung wrote, “we cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.” …

Susan David, author of Emotional Agility, notes the importance of giving up control of what you never had control over to begin with, and making room for your emotional reaction without acting on every thought or negative feeling. She writes, “We see leaders stumble not because they have undesirable thoughts and feelings — that’s inevitable — but because they get hooked by them, like fish caught on a line… In our complex, fast-changing knowledge economy, the ability to manage ones thoughts and feelings is essential to business success.

— from Good Leaders Know You Can’t Fight Reality by Scott Edinger

I wonder which reality we struggle to accept in our personal lives? I’ve heard a lot of people say “I really thought I’d be further ahead by this age” (including yours truly, Lol), or “I thought I’d be married with kids by now.” I gotta hand it to my brother. He was having way too much fun playing the field and enjoying his single freedoms until he hit 39 and then declared to me over dinner one night “You know what, I actually do want to get married and have a family.” We all thought he’d be a bachelor forever, but within a year he was married with a kid on the way. You go boy. If he can do “it” I’m sure we can too… whatever “it” is for us. For me, it’s a certain level of financial freedom. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“The Curse of off-Hours Email”…

Getting work messages in the evening or on weekends can be stressful, but senders often don’t consider them urgent. There’s a way to fix the misunderstanding…

We should ensure that the way we use technology does not become a driver of unhealthy workplace cultures. 

The phenomenon matters because it is detrimental to our collective well-being…

When our emails are urgent or high-priority, many of us include a red exclamation mark or an uppercase URGENT label. Indeed, some of us overuse that technique, and such indicators are so commonplace that at times it can seem like everything is urgent. However, we also tend to overlook the value of explicitly communicating when a response is not urgent—that is, when there is no need for someone to drop what  they are doing on the weekend or in the evening to respond. Our research suggests that failure to clearly communicate both levels of our expectations—the urgency and the non-urgency of our emails—might be a key driver of the rise in “always on” work culture and its associated negative impact on our overall well-being…

People will continue sending emails on the weekend and during evening hours because that might be the time that is most convenient for them. That’s ok. It’s not necessarily about less email sent during off-hours. It’s about better emails sent during off-hours. 

— By Laura Giurge and Vanessa Bohns, Wall Street Journal 

Great article. I’ve been on both sides of this one. I’ve had brainstorms over the weekend and figured if I don’t draft and send this right now, I may lose the train of thought and/or forget to send the email during work hours. On the other hand, I’ve received emails as late as 11:30 pm on a Friday night and as early as 7 am on a Saturday or Sunday morning, which tends to land with a thud. I will definitely follow this advice and simply add a note declaring my email as urgent or simply food for thought at the receivers convenience. Just saying’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Not everyone deserves a seat at the table…

The older I get the more I realize the value of privacy, of cultivating your circle and only letting certain people in. You can be open, honest, and real while still understanding not everyone deserves a seat at the table of your life.

— WomanWorking.com

I’ve made some cuts myself recently, particularly with people who tend to be overly judgey, blamey and drama-filled. I find I don’t have the time or energy for it. It bums me out actually. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

“To protect your energy”…

It’s okay to cancel a commitment.

It’s okay not to answer a call.

It’s okay to change your mind.

It’s okay to want to be alone.

It’s okay to take a day off.

It’s okay to do nothing.

It’s okay to speak up.

It’s okay to let go…

— Unknown

As I get older, I seem to need more of the above, especially during this Covid marathon. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“Become more accepting and settled with the fact that life is hard”…

Why, in a time of unprecedented wealth, freedom, technological progress, and medical advancement, do we appear to be unhappier and in more pain than ever?… 

This idea that we should constantly seek out relief from our suffering is not going to make us happy in the end. And instead, what we need to do is intentionally invite pain and discomfort into our lives, and also just become more accepting and settled with the fact that life is hard and that most of us struggle on any given day. And that it’s okay to be unhappy and it’s normal.

As long as people are taught that they should be ecstatically happy 24/7 or something is wrong with them — with their brain chemistry, with their relationship, with their job — people are constantly going to be looking for ways to change it up, which won’t necessarily solve the problem. 

— Stanford’s Anna Lembke, on today’s pain epidemic

My favourite therapist told me at the beginning of my healing journey that I had a broken compass. He said, the issue is, you want everything to be sunny and sunnier. You don’t like anger, you don’t like negativity. But you need to experience ALL of your emotions, without labelling them as good or bad, because they each provide vital information about your experiences, your needs, your boundaries. Addressing your emotions will help you make high quality decisions and ultimately lead to a more fulfilling life. Wow. Game changer. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“The quality of your life is in your hands”…

Well for all of us the past 18 months have been a challenge and a journey. In so many ways it has forced us to go much more deeply within to find and develop resources, as the social outlets and structures of our lives were taken away. What an opportunity to know that the only person with whom you are guaranteed to wake up with all the days of your life is you! And that the quality of your life is, for better or worse, in your hands more than in any favourable situations, events, circumstances or relationships.

— Joel Brass, Therapist and seminar leader 

I’ve worked with Joel for many years and his work has profoundly and positively impacted my life. Joel’s seminars gave me the safe space to learn and practice improved communication/conflict resolution/relationship skills (that I did not learn in my upbringing, in school or anywhere else). Joel also gently, respectfully and deftly guided me through and to the other side of old issues and wounds. I’m not gonna lie—it was hard, but it was worth it. I don’t believe I would have found the love of my life without him. Thanks to Joel’s work, I have achieved a beautiful, trusted relationship that I know how to take proper care of. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Covid fatigue and decision fatigue…

Choosing Is Tiring

“Even if you’ve never heard of decision fatigue, you have probably experienced it, especially during the pandemic, which has added a new layer of complexity to the every day choices we face. ‘There’s no aspect of the pandemic that has not thrown decisions at us that we haven’t had to make before’ says psychologist Barry Schwarz, a visiting professor at the Haas School of Business at the University of California, Berkeley and author of The Paradox of Choice. ‘Things that used to require no thought or effort now require a lot of planning. In the COVID world, so much is uncertain — we haven’t had to practice making decisions under these circumstances.’” 

— Stacey Colino, The Washington Post

I felt so much better reading this article. I’ve been suuuuuper frustrated lately because even the smallest of tasks/errands often seems impossible to accomplish, or at the very least takes three times longer than normal. Stores have shortened hours of operation and the online information is often wrong. So you go to the store only to find out it’s not open until noon on a week day. Say what?! Then when you finally get there at the new time, the item you need is out of stock. It goes on and on. Exhausting. I think I need to work on my sense of humour and remember to expect the unexpected during this unprecedented time that we’re all living through. Just sayin’ ;) Hang in there everybody! Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl