Not everyone will right their wrongs…

My therapist once told me:

“The moment you stop seeking closure, explanations, and apologies is the moment you set yourself free. Not everyone will right their wrongs. Not everyone will understand the damage they caused. And waiting for them to do so only keeps you stuck. 

Heal for yourself. Move on without the apology. Elevate without the validation. Because the best revenge isn’t proving a point, it’s living so fully and freely that nothing from the past can touch you.”

— Unknown 

I am fully embracing this advice. I had regrets after my father died, thinking with more dialogue we may have repaired our relationship. So, having learned the lesson, I spent loads of time talking to my mother and trying to achieve a level of understanding. Nothing changed, and then she died and pretty much left everything to my brother. Big ouch to me and my sister, who also tried very hard to connect with our mother. Thank God for therapy, that’s all I can say. There’s no way I could sort through this complicated grieving without my favourite therapist. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Knowing you deserve more…

Trauma Whispers:

I need them to admit what they did, to validate the pain they caused me.

Healing Replies:

Some people simply can’t see beyond their own blind spots. My peace doesn’t depend on their apology—just on knowing I deserve more.

— Unknown 

A troubled relationship with my mother has been quite the Achilles Heel. Mercifully, and finally, with the help of my favourite therapist, I look forward to processing and unloading some of this burdensome pain (now that no new damage can occur. Fewf). Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Hard truth: some pain stays…

Hard truth:

Some things you will never fully heal from. And that’s not failure. Not because you’re broken. Not because you’re doing it wrong. But because some pain stays. Some stories leave marks. And expecting to erase them? That’s not healing-that’s denial. Healing isn’t about forgetting. It’s about building a life that still feels meaningful-even while carrying what hurt you.

— Unknown

I got the BEST advice from my favourite therapist, ahead of Christmas, which always brings a level of sadness and loss, due to the troubled family of origin. He said, simply, “Lean into it.” He said it’s counterintuitive, because we tend to try and talk ourselves out of feeling bad. We try the rational approach and talk about how it’s not as bad as all that, or we should focus on gratitude and enjoy what we do have that’s good. But nope, therapist says, feel all that you’re feeling and validate each and every one of those feelings, as a kindness to yourself. Then things will ebb and calm. Cool! I’m going to do exactly that. Thank you Joel Brass, therapist extraordinaire. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Trauma says one thing, healing another…

Trauma says:

Why wasn’t I enough for them to stay or treat me better?

Healing says:

Their actions reflected their choices, not my worth. I was always enough, and I will never have to beg the right people to see that.

— woctherapy

As we speak, I’m working with my therapist on my complicated mother relationship. She passed away three years ago, and left quite the legacy, by pretty much cutting my sister and me out of the estate. There’s no way I deserved that. I felt we had a pretty good relationship, for the most part. TOTAL ouch. So I’m learning how it’s possible to heal from such a torturous wound. My favourite therapist says we’re going to go back in time and focus on her biography, and what led her to make such a calculated, and negative indictment of me, her youngest, and in my opinion, most overtly warm and cuddly child ;) I actually look forward to this exercise because I do NOT want to carry the heavy weight of this troubled relationship. I’ll let you know how it goes. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck to you. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Some friends feel like home…

Some friends feel like home. Not because they fix you, but because they never ask you to be anything other than yourself. You can be quiet around them. You can be tired, messy, honest. And somehow, even in your worst moments, they still choose you. 

— Unknown 

Friends are family too. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

When someone takes responsibility for their own healing…

A love language we rarely mention is when someone works on themselves for the sake of the relationship. Someone who takes responsibility for their own healing, who works on their triggers… instead of making it your burden. The opposite of this would be “that’s just how I am.” You deserve more than that - you deserve someone who notices their toxic patterns and actually works to change them, instead of expecting you to tolerate them.

— Unknown 

The mistake I made along the way was not knowing my deal breakers. Fortunately, I finally understood how to choose the right match for my happiness and well being. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Cannot receive love even if it’s offered to them?…

Unhealed people cannot hear you with their heart, because they are living from their wounds. They are wired for condemnation rather than compassion. Survival rather than safety. They will always filter you through a distorted lens of suspicion and fear. You will always be perceived as a threat they need to defend and protect themselves against rather than a force of love that has the potential to heal them. Unfortunately many are so wired for war they cannot receive love even if it’s offered to them. Have compassion, but don’t take their reactions and hostility personally… sometimes patience is required and sometimes it might always be necessary to move away and love them from a distance. 

— Erika Stanton

I felt so much better reading this. I have experienced a number of unhealed people (some family among them), and it’s really quite a painful and confusing experience. Distance has been a kindness to self. Just sayin’ :/  Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Fall in love with what what we didn’t even know we wanted…

It’s funny how we outgrow what we once thought we couldn’t live without, and then we fall in love with what we didn’t even know we wanted. Life keeps leading us on journeys we would never go on if it were up to us. Don’t be afraid. Have faith. Find the lessons. Trust the journey.

— marcandangel, inspiringandpositivequotes.com 

If I could go back in time I would tell my younger self “Know your value, dare to ask for more for more and hold out for what you deserve.” Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Emotional triggers are revealing…

Major life unlock: Your triggers are your teachers.

What makes you angry shows what you value. What makes you sad shows what you’ve lost. What scares you shows you where growth lives. 

Most people avoid triggers. Winners study them.

— @scottdclary

I’ve worked with a therapist for a while now, and my triggers are inevitably rooted in early childhood/youth. My favourite therapist says that what you acknowledge, you can feel. And what you feel, you can heal. Resolving old grievances is really quite freeing. For example, I used to get my back up when someone questioned what I was doing and how I was doing it. I felt my intelligence and capability were being insulted. Now, I tend to be curious and ask for more information. I’ve ended up learning a lot, and I connect more deeply with others, including my spouse. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Struggle is inevitable…

Your entire life will change when you realize that suffering is negotiable but struggle is mandatory.

You get to pick your hard. The hard of discipline or the hard of regret. The hard of growth or the hard of staying stuck. Choose your suffering wisely.

— @scottclary

I can thank my ex-husband for the intro to my favourite therapist. Early on in our dating, I was agonizing over some family drama, and he stopped me cold. He said, “And who do you have to talk to about this stuff?” To which I said, “Well, my friends, and you.” To which he promptly said, “Yeah, that’s not happening. You need to speak to a professional about these issues, which are clearly deep rooted, and very upsetting for you.” Boom! Surprisingly, I wasn’t offended. I was curious. He recommended that I attend a couple of deep healing workshops, run by his favourite therapist. I was game, and the moment the therapist opened his mouth, I was mesmerized. I’ve been working with this therapist ever since and I owe him a lot. I simply would not be where I am in both career and my personal life without his teachings and wise counsel. I chose the hard of growth, and this is hands down the best decision I’ve made in my life. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Mind’s struggle with uncertainty…

A wise monk once said:

Anxiety isn’t just fear, it’s the mind’s struggle with uncertainty. When you can’t tolerate the unknown, you try to control it through overthinking, over-planning, and overdoing. But that only convinces your brain you’re unsafe. 

Healing begins when you train your nervous system to feel safe in the unknown. I don’t know what will happen, but I trust I’ll be okay.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist gave me a great exercise to help with a big heath unknown I’m dealing with. The exercise is from the 12 Step program actually, and I must say it has been profoundly helpful. So I spent considerable time writing out the statement “I admit that I am powerless against____ (fill in the blank), and my life has become unmanageable. I ended up writing out a hundred of these statements, addressing all of my fears and worries. And then my therapist had me read a bunch of them out loud. He says having a witness is key in getting the most out of the exercise, which is humbling, and effective. Honestly, I don’t think anything has EVER helped me deal with anxiety and the unknown more than this exercise. I now have a sense of calm around the waiting. Fewf! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Rejection leads to something better?…

• Let people be who they want to be, then decide if you want them in your life.
• Trust that rejection is always redirection to something bigger and better.
• Some people are only meant to help you grow, not be in your life forever.
• What if everything is falling apart to come together in a way you can’t guess?
• Focus only on what you can control.

— Unknown 

I’ve been notorious in my resistance to change. Which is weird because change has always gone extremely well for me. But I’ve sat in fear of the unknown, holding onto a troubled present, particularly in relationships. All of my past relationships, in truth, had at least two deal breakers; chronic and disrespectful lateness, an obstinate disregard for division of labour on chores, anger issues, lack of affection and compassion, lack of common interests. If I could go back in time, I would tell my younger self to be non-negotiable on deal breakers because they tank any relationship. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Accepting the apology you’ll never get…

I literally cried when my therapist said:

Toxic family members rarely apologize. They would rather carry their denial to the grave than face the damage they’ve caused. In their minds, the pain they created was somehow your fault. 

Sometimes healing means accepting the apology you’ll never get. 

— Giamsafewithinn/@mindsets

I take comfort in knowing I tried my absolute best to achieve any form of resolution with my mother before her passing. I learned the hard way with my father’s passing. There were things I wish I’d talked to him about. Although, in my defence, he was a pretty scary, volatile character and I struggled to be an adult around him. So, with my mother, I was determined to use every communication skill I’ve acquired in therapy to discuss my upbringing, and the complex nature of our relationship. Somehow, even though I’m her actual daughter, I always felt like a step child. And when we talked, I felt like she was confiding in me as a friend, or acquaintance even, rather than a daughter. We never got down to any real clarification, or understanding. She rattled on about how much her and my father loved us kids, and didn’t seem to hear anything I was saying. She went to her grave, in my opinion, with a grudge against me and my sister, all the while loving my brother unconditionally. It’s painful. But it’s over now, and I am left to find my resolution in therapy. And therapy helps enormously. The pain dulls, and I’m beginning to accept my mother for the limited, perhaps emotionally and mentally unevolved, and flawed person she was. Frankly, I’m just relieved to be unburdening myself of some of the weight of this torturous relationship. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Inherit our parents’ features and some of the baggage…

We inherit not only our parents’ features but their unfinished emotional work. 

Some of it is ours to end.

— Unknown

My two big take aways from therapy and therapist led relationship seminars; 1) we don’t necessarily learn healthy communication/relationship skills at home, and it’s never too late to correct this, and 2) we probably all have at least some unresolved emotional wounds from childhood, and it’s never too late to save our “Inner Child” from the confusion/misunderstandings and sadness around these early childhood traumas. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Emotional withdrawal a coping mechanism…

People who go silent when something upsets or hurts them, are often experiencing a coping mechanism called emotional withdrawal. It’s not that they have nothing to say, it’s that their system learned that silence is safer than being misunderstood. Instead of expressing anger or disappointment or frustration, they hold it in. 

— Unknown 

Silence was my coping mechanism for a long time, Lol. Fortunately, therapy and practice, have taught me how to express my thoughts, feelings and needs. This emotional evolution has enabled me to draw healthy boundaries and make reasonable requests, which resolve misunderstandings quite nicely. This may be one of the biggest accomplishments of my life actually. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

You’re here to live, not just to hustle…

You are not a machine. You’re a soul who needs music, connection, sunsets, laughter, and small pockets of joy. Prioritize them like your life depends on it because it does. Life isn’t meant to be a cycle of stress and survival. Pause. Look up. Let the sunset remind you: you’re here to live, not just to hustle. Life is not a to-do list. It’s a gift. Walk slower. Hug longer. Laugh louder. Love deeper. The clock may be ticking, but your presence it timeless. We’ve been conditioned to believe that constant productivity equals worth, but humans weren’t designed for endless output. We need moments of wonder, connection, and rest, not as rewards for hard work, but as essential ingredients for a meaningful life. 

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist says that life will always be up and down, or “fair to middlin’” if we remain caught up in the to-do list. He believes that focusing on our moments of joy, however small at times, is the answer to living a more rewarding life. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Forgetting where you come doesn’t liberate you, it orphans you…

The Akan concept of Sankofa is represented by a bird looking backward while moving forward. The message is “ Go back and get it.” You must retrieve wisdom from the past to move into the future. Forgetting where you come from dosen’t liberate you; it orphans you… The shape of your becoming must include the shape of your origin. You can’t transcend what you haven’t integrated. So look back, retrieve what you left behind, and bring it forward.

— Rob Brezsny

I’ve been sorting through the rubble of my childhood, on and off, for some years now, but things really ramped when my mother passed away. It sounds horrible to say, but I was relieved when it was finally over. I mean, the troubled relationship. Try as I might, while my mother was alive, I could not put a dent in whatever stood between us. So I’ve been back in therapy this year and what I’ve learned is that key, emotional moments stand frozen in time, until they are located and treated with the tender, loving care they need to rest easy. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

When you move, your body releases mood lifting chemicals…

My therapist told me:

Anxiety feeds on stillness. When you sit frozen in your thoughts, your mind can feel like a cage. 

But the moment you move, whether it’s a walk, a stretch, or even doing the dishes, your body starts releasing chemicals that lower stress and lift your mood.

Movement reminds your brain you’re not stuck. You’re safe.

— Unknown 

It’s amazing how that works. I was feeling grumpy recently and pretty much went on strike both personally and professionally for the morning. Luckily, a work call got my butt in gear and I forgot all about the downs. Having said that, my favourite therapist says it’s also important to feel what you’re feeling, as this too eases tension. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Your body and mind can pick up on things…

Trust the energy that you are feeling about certain people and situations. Your body and mind can pick up on things that don’t exactly make sense to you right away. There is a reason you are feeling this way, and though you might not know what that is, you should trust it anyways, and always follow your intuition.

— Unknown

I’ve found this to be true, even with small things throughout the day. For example, I wanted to bring my laptop with me for the day (in addition to my iPhone and iPad, which are enough to manage). I had a flash thought to bring the charger cord, but thought I remembered charging the laptop recently. So of course when I go to tick off some laptop to-do’s (because with the cyber risks these day, I can no longer use my other devices for certain tasks. Super annoying), I run out of juice. Dang it. Why didn't I listen to that little voice. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Honesty won’t ruin a real thing…

Healing taught me that honesty won’t ruin a real thing. Speaking on your feelings won’t lose you anything worth having. Setting boundaries won’t scare off proper people & authenticity won’t cost you genuine relationships. Remember that the next time you feel like shit because someone pulled way from you for respecting yourself, sharing your feelings, setting a boundary, and/or holding them accountable. 

— Unknown 

It’s never too late to learn about boundaries and having your own back. Unfortunately, I did not learn healthy relationship skills growing up, but I’ve certainly learned a ton from therapy and relationship workshops. I can’t imagine going back to my ineffective skills of suffering in silence and making exhausting compromises. After my last relationship I finally realized I’d rather be alone than be in a mismatched relationship. I decided I would no longer do things I really don’t want to do (like hiking, visiting a little island on a bike! I am no outdoorsy person, Lol). Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Don’t worry too much…

Don’t worry too much about how you are going to get it all done. Get started, learn as you go, and it will all come to you. Action creates momentum, and momentum energizes you to keep going.

—  Averstu.com

Is it just me, or is life far too hectic. Even social media can feel like a to-do at times. I find I need to coach myself, and tell myself that everything will get done. Just take it one day at a time, and 1 item at a time. My favourite therapist says to focus on the simple things in life, and build in nothingness time. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Breaking the shackles of generational curses…

Individuals who possess the ability to heal themselves can be likened to highly skilled alchemists of life. They possess the remarkable capability to transmute their own suffering into an enduring source of inner strength, converting the scars of their past into profound wisdom. These resilient souls adeptly translate the mistreatment they may have experienced from others into firm, unyielding boundaries, while skillfully recognizing the warning signals embedded within the tantrums of their inner wounded child. Moreover, they exhibit the extraordinary capacity to break the shackles of generational curses, ultimately turning them into a series of remarkable blessings. 

— Miguel Angel 

To sulk over the injustices we’ve suffered, or to rise above and become stronger, and probably more successful and happy? I’ve been working on this for a really long time and I find the family of origin issues the toughest nut to crack. In my experience, it’s the whole inner child thing that needs extra love, care and attention. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Mourning family who are still alive…

We talk about breaking cycles, but no one prepares you for the grief of mourning family who are still very much alive. Healing your lineage means becoming the one who draws lines no one else dared to. It means choosing distance, silence, boundaries, over the chaos you were raised to normalize. And it hurts. Not because you’re heartless, but because you held onto hope for so long. You’re grieving the version of them you needed… and the version of you who kept trying. It’s lonely. It’s gut-wrenching. But it’s how you find peace in a place they never made safe. 

— Unknown 

It’s comforting to know I’m not alone. Apparently, 50% of us have challenging family scenarios and 8% of us are completely estranged from our roots. My mother passed away over three years ago and I’m still sorting through the rubble. At least I know I tried my best to resolve things with my mother. I have to say she didn’t seem super interested in these chats. She shamelessly favoured my brother, and clearly had it out for me and my sister. We’re not exactly sure why, but certainly it’s got something to do with my brother not being my Dad’s in the end (brother finally did a DNA test to confirm his suspicions, which sister and I had had all along), and my parents fighting cats and dogs my whole life. My Dad died in 1998 and mother remained in a bipolar state, with an unhealthy addiction/attraction-hate-on for him. It was very confusing. And my father straight up had zero respect for my mother, regularly calling her demeaning names. My sister and I figure we became inexplicably linked to my father, given our similarity to him and his family, and paid an unfair price over the failed state of their relationship. So, to anyone out there struggling with family, I stand with you. I feel your pain and I know there are no quick and easy solutions. I do recommend talking to a trusted therapist or coach. My favourite therapist repeatedly restores my sanity and my faith in humanity. A proper, healthy catharsis works miracles. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Effort is attractive…

• Safety is attractive 
• Emotional maturity is attractive
• Raw communication is attractive
• Authenticity is attractive
• Imperfections are attractive
• Genuine connection is attraction
• Effort is attractive
• Consistency is attractive
• Honesty is attractive
• Kindness is attractive
• Taking accountability is attractive 
• Awareness is attractive 
• Growth is attractive

— Unknown 

When I read this list, I think of someone who is reliable, for themselves and others. And that is attractive, in my opinion. Just sayin’ : ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Step away to protect your peace?…

Sending love to anyone who’s had to step away from family in order to protect their peace. It takes real strength to choose healing when the people who raised you, or the ones you trusted most, are also the ones who caused the deepest pain. That kind of hurt stays with you, and walking away is never easy. But sometimes creating distance is the only way to feel safe, steady, and whole again.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist helped me look at family differently, and he helped me question duty and obligation. He gave me permission to step away when I needed to, and to be present when I felt I could handle the confusion and disappointment of my family scenario. My biggest take away is that sharing the same blood, does not guarantee compatibility. My mother and brother were simpatico, two peas in a pod. My sister and I never seemed to bond properly with our mother. It’s sad, but I understand this is quite common. Just sayin’ : ) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Feelings are wounds, asking to be seen…

I sat with my anger and asked why it kept showing up. It said, “Because you’ve been hurt, and no one listened.” 

I sat with my sadness and asked why it never left. It said “Because I’m the love and care you never received.”

I sat with my fear and asked why it controlled me. It said, “Because I’m the part of you that’s still waiting to feel safe.”

Then I realized these feelings weren’t my enemies. They were my wounds, asking to be seen.

— Unknown 

I’m working with my favourite therapist, after a bunch of years off, and I’m mesmerized once again. My mother passed way three years ago, which has left quite the wake. My father died in ‘98, so I’m in full post-mortem on the upbringing, which has been so challenging. I was also diagnosed with early stage cancer (yikes!) in May. Thank goodness I had already resumed the deep healing work. In my experience, therapy allows us to go back in time and save ourselves. One by one, the unresolved feelings from our various trauma’s are located, addressed, nurtured, and released/healed. It’s courageous work, and it’s quite miraculous, in my opinion. Just sayin’:) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

9 Habits of Mentally Strong people…

• They stay calm in chaos—respond, don’t react
• They set boundaries without explaining too much
• They listen more than they speak
• They embrace solitude to recharge
• They say “no” without guilt
• They don’t seek validation from others
• They let go of what they can’t control
• They learn from criticism, not crumble under it
• They keep going—even when no one claps

— Unknown

It took me years of therapy to achieve any of these 9 habits. As my favourite therapist would say, our reactions tend to be about 5% from the present moment, and 95% from our baggage, generally family of origin wounds. Once those old triggers are dealt with, it’s possible to remain calm, and emotionally grounded. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Instead of certainty, seek self trust…

My therapist taught me that…

the opposite of uncertainty isn’t certainty, it’s self trust. Trying to control the future is a battle that you’ll never win, so instead of seeking certainty, seek self trust. Tell yourself: I don’t know what will happen in a year. I don’t know what the future holds.

What I do know is I trust I’ll be able to handle whatever does happen. I trust I’ll have my best interests at heart. I trust that I’ll try my best. I trust myself, so I know I’ll be okay.

— @latenightepiphanies_

This goal is very pertinent for me right now. I’m working on trusting myself, and being ok, despite the not knowing. I’m dealing with a cancer scare right now, and although I’m being told I should be fine, there is some uncertainty about what my future holds. Although I’m considered very early stage, with a “low disease burden”, they may to be able to get all of the pesky, small spots. Personally, I had never heard of this before, but there is a certain patient population that needs to go on and off chemo to keep the disease at bay. And yet, I may also be one of the lucky people who kicks this thing completely. Quite the scary place to sit for the next three months of crappy chemo treatments. Keep you posted! Just sayin’ :/ Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Trust the energy…

Trust the energy…

that you are feeling about certain people and situations. Your body and mind can pick up on thing that don’t exactly make sense to you right away. There is a reason you are feeling this way, and though you might not know what that is, you should trust it anyways, and always follow your intuition. 

— Unknown 

When I was younger I struggled with fear vs gut instinct. I now know that gut instinct is something I feel in the pit of my stomach, or in the hairs standing on end. A situation or person will repel me with a bit of a force. I’ve found this “information” to be bang on, especially when I don’t have the necessary facts to make a decision. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Betrayal trauma…

Betrayal trauma is a soul level violation…

Relational betrayal hits deep. Not only is it an intentionally deceptive act, but it violates the fabric of soul level trust that has been offered. Everything becomes distorted because you are left questioning if any of what you experienced was real. This level of violation causes great rupture to your foundation of safety and security, often causing you to lose faith in love. In people but more so in yourself… You stop trusting your own instinct and intuition.

— Unknown

I have suffered my fair share of painful betrayals, from both family and a former partner. The partner situation left a post-traumatic stress response, with a high alert type of fear for a few years. This stopped me dead in my tracks and took me back to the relationship drawing board. Amazingly, this journey led to my perfectly matched mate, 10+ years now. The family betrayals have been more complex and painful. I’m still in therapy, which I find incredibly cathartic. My therapist says in order to heal, you must feel, and the sessions offer a big light at the end of the tunnel. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Tired of trying to make it work?…

Endings don’t require drama or toxic behaviours. You can end something because it’s not what you want, it doesn’t fit where you’re going, you’re tired of trying to make it work, your needs have changed, or you can no longer accept what is happening. You don’t have to wait for a major offence to let things go. It’s okay to bow out gracefully. Sometimes peace is more important than giving someone a piece of your mind. 

— Nedra Tawwab/Power of Wordz/fb

Endings have been a work in progress for me. I hate being on bad terms with people, and I find it hard to walk away from historical relationships because there’s always good there too. But I’ve finally had to acknowledge deal breaker behaviours for what they are. I figured it out in my love live, and finally chose a perfect partner. But I dragged my heels with some dear old friends. I still find it sad to say goodbye. But I also know my peace and well being can’t take certain things anymore. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Anger is clarity…

Healing will make you angry. And if it hasn’t yet, you probably haven’t gone deep enough. There is a rage that lives beneath survival. A rage that builds when you realize how much of your life was shaped by someone else’s dysfunction. How much of your personality is a byproduct of having to survive chaos. How many of your choices were never really choices at all, just coping mechanisms disguised as decisions. And when you finally see it, when you feel it fully, it’s not pretty. But it’s necessary. Because anger is clarity. Anger is boundaries forming in real time. Anger is the nervous system screaming, “I’m not safe yet.” Let yourself feel it. It’s not the end of healing. Sometimes, it’s the beginning. 

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist diagnosed me with a “broken compass” because I avoided anger, and other “negative” emotions. I grew up in a volatile environment, with both parents throwing temper tantrums. All I saw was destruction, and so I made it a point to minimize anger in my life. What I didn’t know is the importance of anger, managed well, in helping us draw healthy boundaries and helping us make sound decisions. I am no longer afraid of anger. I’ve learned how to express myself, even while upset, and my partner and I “invite” each other to share our feelings and experiences. The outcome is always a win-win. It’s very cool. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

10 things that require zero talent…

1. Being on time
2. Making an effort
3. Being high energy
4. Having a positive attitude
5. Being passionate
6. Using good body language
7. Being teachable
8. Doing a little extra
9. Being prepared
10. Having a strong work ethic

— Unknown

There you go. So we can actually go a long way, even if we feel we’re lacking the innate talent to succeed at something we have our eye on. We can learn and we can work at it. They say it takes 10,000 hours to be elite at anything anyway. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Look out for glimmers, and find more joy…

Today I learned about a term called “glimmer.” Which is the opposite of a trigger. 

Glimmers are those moments in your day that make you feel joy, happiness, peace or gratitude. 

Once you train your brain to be on the lookout for glimmers, these tiny moments will appear more and more. 

— Unknown 

I really like the idea of that. Much better than triggers, which are jarring and upsetting. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The cost of stress on our bodies…

Psychology says when we face constant stress and uncertainty, our bodies learn to live in survival mode. We stay alert, tense and exhausted. Always waiting for the next thing to go wrong. Even in moments of calm, our minds don’t relax. It’s not because we’re overreacting, it’s because our nervous system has forgotten what safety feels like. 

— Unknown 

That makes a lot of sense. I’ve worked with a traditional therapist for many years, including countless, therapist-led weekend relationship seminars, to tackle post-traumatic stress from a troubled childhood and ongoing family dynamic. I ended up working with a Craniosacral/Body Talk therapist to tackle my physical issues. I’ve had digestive issues my whole life, and I pursued this alternative option out of desperation. I was tired of stomach aches and all the food sensitivities (the traditional health care system, and naturopathic options had no solution). The Craniosacral and Body Talk therapies have been pretty miraculous for me. They seem to calm my nervous system and allow my digestive system to function better. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Prioritize moments of joy like your life depends on it…

You are not a machine. You are a soul who needs music, connection, sunsets, laughter, and small pockets, of joy. Prioritize them like your life depends on it because it does. Life isn’t meant to be a cycle of stress and survival. Pause. Look up. Let the sunset remind you: you’re here to live, not just hustle. Life is not a to-do list. It’s a gift. Walk slower. Hug longer. Laugh louder. Love deeper. The clock may be ticking, but your presence is timeless. We’ve been conditioned to believe that constant productivity equals worth, but humans weren’t designed for endless output. We need moments of wonder, connection and rest not as rewards for hard work, but as essential ingredients of a meaningful life.

— Unknown 

Great reminder. I know I can be quite the busy bee. I love ticking to-do’s, and seeing results. But I do feel, at least in North America, we can spend altogether too much time working. So I am challenging myself to find more moments of joy each day. One thing I’ve been doing is visiting the kitty cat cafe for an hour. I’m unable to have pets, due to work travel, and this is such a great fill in. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Healthy distancing…

Distancing

yourself from people who give you negative vibes or unhealthy energy is self-care. Stepping back from situations where you feel unappreciated or disrespected is self-care.

Choose to honour your feelings and boundaries, respectfully and gracefully.

— Marc and Angel, Power of Wordz

My favourite therapist taught me about “having my own back”. It seems silly in hindsight, but I didn’t even consider questioning duty and obligation. I thought there were certain things you had to do, particularly for family and long term friends. I didn’t see where I was abandoning myself. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Repeated silence can become self-sabotage…

Discernment matters

Because while silence can be powerful, repeated silence in the face of mistreatment becomes self-sabotage.

You’re not providing strength by enduring what wounds you. You’re not choosing peace by allowing cycles of disrespect. 

When you truly know your worth, you stop just “rising above”. You walk away. You cut the cord. You stop explaining yourself to people committed to misunderstanding you. 

Boundaries aren’t reactions—they’re revelations. Of who you are. Of what you allow. And of what you’re never going to tolerate again.

—Unknown 

I “rose above” and thought I was choosing peace for years. But in the end, I realized I was walking on egg shells and/or biting my tongue far too often. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

No longer apologizing for…

Things I’m no longer apologizing for: 

My feelings. Having firm boundaries. Saying no to something I’m interested in doing. Being emotional or crying. Not answering the phone when I can’t or don’t feel like it. Needing to take a break. Asking for clarity when I don’t understand. How other people behave. Changing and becoming better. Not agreeing with someone. Putting myself first. I can’t be anything to anyone if I am nothing to myself. Not settling for less than I deserve. Letting go when I need to. Healing at my own pace. 

— Alex Elle, VYBESOURCE.COM

The two that stand out for me are; no longer apologizing for how other people behave and putting myself first. I spent waaay too many years people pleasing and walking on egg shells. Simply exhausting. I honestly don’t think I would have gotten there without therapy. Just sayin’  ;) Hugs and good lucking. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

You don’t have to put up with it…

Just because you understand someone’s behaviour - or why they are the way they are - does not mean you have to put up with it. No amount of empathy or understanding should ever come before your wellness, especially if their behaviour hurts your or makes you uncomfortable. 

— Unknown 

Have I ever been a slow learner in this department. But, as I know now, after much therapy, we tend to continue on with what we learned growing up. If we were unable to have boundaries, and we coped by people pleasing and/or fixing, we likely continued on with such coping strategies. I’m just very grateful that I landed on a healing journey, and stabilized my emotional world. All good things have come from these new healthy boundaries. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

 

Only know how to stay and fix relationships?…

My therapist told me:

“A sign of childhood trauma? Trying to make the people who hurt you be nicer to you—instead of walking away.”

Because as a child, you weren’t given the option to leave. You only knew how to stay, how to fix, how to earn love that should have been freely given.

Healing starts when you stop seeking kindness from the ones who made you beg for it. 

— Unknown 

This really hits home for me. My pattern of relationships was very much defined by people pleasing and trying to be liked and loved. I feel really bad for my younger self, but clearly that’s all I knew. Fortunately, I landed on an healing journey. I learned how to take care of myself and I learned how to establish healthy boundaries. It wasn’t a quick or easy process. There was a big investment of time, money, blood, sweat and tears. But everything in my life improved, and now I’m living the dream with financial security and the love of my life, 10+ years now. Fewf. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatigirl

If it feels bad, it’s a no…

Just a reminder:

• If you’re not sure, it’s a no.
• If you feel half-in, it’s a no.
• If your intuition tells you no something is off, it’s a no.
• If if feels bad, fake, forced, it’s a no.

You don’t need other people to give you permission to listen to your own inner knowing. 

Trust yourself and wait for the full-body yes.

— Unknown 

Before I embarked on deep healing work, I couldn’t tell the difference between fear and a gut instinct “no”. I couldn’t be more grateful for the learning and guidance from individual and group therapy, and relationship courses. Best investment I’ve ever made. Because all of that learning led to the love of my life, the job of my dreams, and more financial security than I could have imagined. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Surprising causes of childhood trauma…

Childhood trauma is not only caused by abuse, it can also be a result of…

• Having your emotions dismissed and ignored
• Being physically or emotionally abandoned
• Having to people please to get attention
• Lack of validation and positive feedback
• Caregivers with inconsistent mood and behaviour
• Growing up in a home with arguments and chaos
• Lack of physical affection (like hugs)
• Not being comforted or soothed when sad
• Having a sibling whole was favoured
• Left to deal with difficult emotions on your own
• Having caregivers who were physically present but emotionally distant
• Having overly strict caregivers

— @rstored.woman

Well, geez, I check all of those boxes. This is a very validating list indeed. And my therapist confirms that I did indeed have toxic parents. I really wouldn’t be where I am without my individual and group therapy, and relationship seminars. With help, I’ve managed to find the love of my life, for 10 years+ now, I’m making more money than I’ve ever made, and I have quite the nest egg of cash and assets stored away, all of which provide more security than I could ever have hoped for. Just sayin’;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Invest in emotional intelligence?…

The more emotionally intelligent you become, the less you take things personally. 

You start to see that other people’s behaviours are often reflections of their own struggles, not a statement about your worth.

— Unknown 

So, how does one become more emotionally intelligent? I think I was born with some natural instincts, and I have a degree in psychology, but in truth, I owe most of my wisdom and insight to therapy and relationship courses. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings, 

Chatgirl 

In life, not everything has an answer…

Sometimes our minds get stuck asking “why”, but in life not everything has an answer. 

When we can accept this, we can find peace. 

— Unknown 

We all have our crosses to bear. For me, it’s finding peace over a toxic mother, who has now passed. After dealing alone for a couple of years, I realized it was bigger than me. So I’m back working with my favourite therapist and what a relief. It’s so nice to, number one, be validated, and number two, understand that toxic parents are a known thing, and on some level it’s not personal. But you still have to deal with the feelings of neglect and abandonment. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Being robbed of your childhood can look like…

• Having to parent and take are of your siblings
• Experiencing emotional and/or physical neglect
• Providing regular emotional support to a parent
• Keeping the peace in a chaotic home
• Pulled into arguments or issues between parents
• Having to figure out everything on your own 

— Unknown

Reading this list really validates my troubled upbringing. According to research, 50% of us have difficult family scenarios and 8% of us are fully estranged from our families. That makes me feel a bit better actually. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

A soul who’s done the inner work…

How to recognize a soul who’s done the inner work

They can:

• Pause before reacting—because they’ve met their triggers before
• Speak truth without needing to dominate the room
• Feel their anger without letting it become their weapon
• Say “I was wrong” without collapsing in shame
• Set boundaries without closing their hearts
• Be soft without being passive
• Be wise without needing to be right 

They don’t just talk about healing. They embody it. 

You’ll know them not by their perfection but by their presence.

And when you’re around them, your nervous system says — “ We’re safe here.”

— Unknown 

I’ve been doing deep healing work for some time now, and it is very cathartic and freeing. You’re not at the mercy of your reactions. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Too much kindness can become self abandonment…

Stop being so considerate in situations where you are not even considered. Kindness is a gift, not an obligation. You will be drained if you keep pouring into people who don’t reciprocate. Your kindness is a strength, but when it comes at the expense of your own well-being, boundaries, or self-respect it becomes self abandonment.

Protect your spirit and well being. Redirect your warmth toward those who reflect it back to you.

— Unknown 

It’s taken me a long time, and a lot of therapy, to learn this lesson. Fortunately, my favourite therapist has enabled me to question duty and obligation. In truth, I hadn’t really thought of it because when it comes to long term friends and family, I thought there were things you just needed to do. But now, I consider my overall mental health and well being before I make commitments. Apparently, the rule of thumb is, if you have the energy and you choose to be there for someone else, go for it. But if you are low on energy and you need to focus on your own self-care (a nap, a rest, a do nothing day, errands or grocers, cooking and/or cleaning, preparing for your work work, exercise?), that always comes first. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Change your mind, change your life…

Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life. If you continue to believe as you have always believed, you will continue to act as you have always acted. If you continue to act as you’ve always acted, you will continue to get what you’ve always gotten. 

If you want different results in your life or your work, all you have to do is change your mind.

— Anonymous 

I can attest to that. I’ve had two life altering experiencing that changed my thinking permanently. I turned a final, painful and humiliating break up into a substantial halt on dating, and full accountability for my role in my failed relationships. I also learned how to choose a more suited partner, as I realized that all of my past relationships had significant deal breakers that I had either been unaware of, or ignored in order to drive that round peg into the square hole. My other significant life event was a near bankruptcy after the 2008 financial crisis. Fortunately, I learned how to NOT spend money. I had no choice during my lean years, but I never returned to the old habits of shopping for pricey garments and failing to track my finances properly. The end result was going from a year’s worth of salary in debt to ZERO debt and $600,000 in cash and assets in less than ten years. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck to you. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

If it drains you, it’s not for you…

Love, friendships, jobs. Anything meant for you will nourish you, not exhaust you. If you constantly feel depleted after being around someone or something, it’s not aligned with your soul. 

Your peace is the biggest sign of what belongs in your life. Protect it.

— Unknown

I wish I could talk to my younger self about this. I spent far too many hours, days and years walking on egg shells, accommodating other people’s moods, and antics, frankly. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

My therapist once told me…

The moment you stop seeking closure, explanations, and apologies is the moment you set yourself free. Not everyone will right their wrongs. Not everyone will understand the damage they caused. And waiting for them to do so only keeps you stuck. 

Heal for yourself. Move on without the apology. Elevate without the validation.

Because the best revenge isn’t proving a point, it’s living so fully and freely that nothing from the past can touch you.

— Anonymous

I believe my favourite therapist would say, you still may need to process your feelings and experience around significant moments of trauma. Repressed emotion can really get stuck in your subconscious and conscious mind, and can actually cause physical illness. I should know. I’m dealing with an early cancer diagnosis, and my therapist is certain that repressed emotion is a big factor. So we’ve gone back to the drawing board and we’ve uncovered some really old stuff that we hadn’t gotten to. It’s about feelings of parental rejection/neglect and a lack of overall safety in my family of origin. It’s tough stuff, and I’m glad to finally be tackling it. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Family patterns that are signs of dysfunction…

• Moving on by pretending like nothing happened.
• Staying silent when things need to be addressed.
• Always having to be the bigger person.
• Having to walk on eggshells because someone can’t manage their emotions.
• Pleasing the person with the most dysfunction to keep the peace.

— Unknown 

My family patterns most definitely set me up for dysfunctional friendships and love relationships. Fortunately, it’s never too late to learn a different way. It’s taken loads of therapy and relationship to understand and establish healthy boundaries and healing communication. Life really is so much better when you don’t have to walk on egg shells anymore. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Learn to say no—it’s a superpower…

• Health is the real wealth—protect it early
• Time moves fast—don’t waste it
• Skills pay more than degrees—keep learning
• Friends come and go—family is forever
• Save money when you don’t need it—you’ll thank yourself later
• Choose peace over drama—it’s not worth your energy
• Your daily habits shape your future, not motivation
• The world owes you nothing—work for what you want
• Learn to say no—it’s a superpower
• Mental health is just as important as physical health
• Nobody is thinking about you as much as you think
• Never stop growing—age doesn’t mean stop evolving

— Unknown

Reading this list, I have a lot of compassion for my younger self. There is so much I didn’t know, so much I didn’t understand. I had a serious lack of awareness around my needs and wants, and around the importance of healthy boundaries. I didn’t realize I was choosing, or “allowing” drama over peace. It’s never too late to learn though, that’s all I can say. Life is infinitely better with healthy relationship skills and respectful boundaries. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

You deserve a calm love…

with someone who sees you, hears you, understands you, appreciates you, supports you, and loves you. You deserve someone who brings you peace, calmness, and consistency. A safe space with someone who brings out your soft side — not your survival side.

— Unknown 

My parents were basically at war throughout my childhood and beyond, so I certainly didn’t learn about healthy relationship modelling. I feel like all of my relationship choices were pretty good by comparison. But I learned, the hard way, that an excellent match AND good relationship skills are pretty critical and achieving a sound relationship. Above all, I needed to learn about my own wants and needs and then be willing to communicate them to my partner. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

It’s ok to not be okay…

Life is a journey filled with a lot of beautiful moments but also with many difficult times. 

There is only so much you can handle, so be patient because eventually things will get better and so will you.

— Unknown 

I think I check most of the hard knocks boxes, other than losing a child, which I cannot imagine. I’ve survived job loss during the scary 2008 financial crisis, where jobs in my field were just gone for the better part of 3 years (so I had HUGE compassion for folks on the wrong side of the pandemic era), near bankruptcy, divorce, and a series of betrayals over the years, by a friend/a romantic partner/a boss and actual family members. Ouch. In my experience though, there’s a better life waiting on the other side. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Take a think week, or moment?…

Twice a year, Bill Gates goes somewhere secluded to have a “Think week.” All communications with his family, friends and employees are banned. He brings stacks of books and uses this time to read, come up with new ideas and work on personal development. 

“A lot of breakthroughs at Microsoft stemmed from these ‘Think Weeks.’”

— Bill Gates 

I do believe I take a think break every morning over coffee. No question, this ritual saved me during life’s worst moments; divorce, job loss, near bankruptcy, family betrayal. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Come back to yourself…

When life feels heavy and everything seems too much, take a moment to pause. Breathe deeply. Come back to yourself. You may not be able to stop the storm around you, but you can choose how you move through it. Your peace is your power. In the middle of chaos, staying calm is a quiet kind of strength. Don’t rush— just breathe, reset, and take it one step at a time. 

You’ve handled hard things before, and you will again.

— Unknown

I have certainly found breathing exercises and meditation helpful during moments of stress. I’ve actually excused myself from meetings to sit in a bathroom stall and centre myself. But when it comes to life’s more profound moments in life, such as divorce, job loss, death of a loved one, I have found myself ill equipped to deal. And my favourite therapist saves me every time. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

You can be a kind person and still prioritize your needs…

You can be a kind person and still:

• Say no
• Prioritize your needs
• Set boundaries 
• Disagree with people
• Be honest
• Challenge poor behaviour
• Walk away from toxic environments
• Make mistakes
• Stand up for yourself 
• Protect your time and space

— @h.e.l.e.n.m.a.r.i.e 

It took much therapy to learn this lesson. My family of origin did not set me up to “have my own back”, as per my favourite therapist. So I’ve had to go back to relationship/communication skills school, via many, many therapist led weekend seminars, to understand my needs and to create boundaries around those priorities. It hasn’t been an easy, or overnight education. And frankly some people have fallen out of my life, which sucks. But a mountain of stress has also fallen away, and what a relief it is. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Just believe in it. Believe in yourself…

Believe in it until it 

manifests for you. 

Don’t overthink how it will happen.

Don’t worry about when it will happen.

Just believe in it.

Believe in yourself.

Allow it. Trust it.

Let things unfold naturally.

— Unknown

There’s always something I’m pursuing. And it’s always a process. Waiting plays a big role, and trying to determine the right course of action demands energy as well. But I do believe in “putting it out there” and “surrendering the Universe” because this sort of faith has served me well, every time. So I will allow things to unfold as naturally as possible. Specifically, I’ve written a little book about finding the perfect love of my life, and I’m deciding between formally securing a publisher or self-publishing. I’ll let you know how it goes. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Forget doctors - use these life hacks…

Forget doctors… Use these tricks

• Drink warm water before meals - boosts digestion and detoxes your gut
• Sleep before 11 PM - heals your brain and balances hormones
• Walk 30 minutes daily - strengthens heart, brain and bones
• Sit in the sun for 15 minutes - natural vitamin D = stronger immunity 
• Eat slowly, chew properly - improves digestion and prevents overeating
• Don’t use phones for 1 hour after waking - keeps mind calm and focused
• Have 1 fruit on an empty stomach - cleanses your system and energizes you
• Practice deep breathing for 5 minutes - reduces stress, anxiety, and blood pressure
• Keep your gut clean - your gut controls your mood, skin and immunity 

— Unknown 

I’m sure I can manage to incorporate a few of these. Why not! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessing,

Chatgirl 

Boundaries are essential for mental health…

Some thoughts on boundaries from a therapist:

• You are allowed to say no and still be a kind person.
• How someone reacts to your boundary speaks loudly.
• Boundaries are essential for your mental health.
• You shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for setting a boundary.
• Boundaries may be fluid and need regular editing.
• You are within your own rights to set a boundary.
• Boundaries should be respected.
• You do not need to over explain your boundary.
• Those who react negatively are often the reason why the boundary was needed.

— Unknown 

Well, I can tell you I didn’t learn a thing about boundaries growing up. My parents taught me some useful skills, but emotional intelligence and healthy relationship skills were not among them. I had to seek out such valuable skills via therapy and relationship workshops. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Be selective in your focus…

Energy is the currency of the universe. 

When you “pay” attention to something, you buy that experience. So when you allow your consciousness to focus on someone or something that annoys you, you feed it your energy, and it reciprocates the experience of being annoyed. Be selective in your focus because your attention feeds the energy of it and keeps it alive; not just within you, but in the collective unconscious as well.

— Unknown 

I’ve heard this expressed in many ways. For example, you hear “What you focus on expands”. So whatever we think about, and potentially ruminate about, can leave us stuck in negative and harmful thoughts and feelings. I certainly needed help getting past my final break up. I was stubbornly entrenched in anger and hurt when I discovered an affair, and big big betrayal, with someone from our inner circle. Even worse, I had actually betrayed myself. In truth, I had been moving away from the relationship for about a year, but just didn’t tell my partner, and I didn’t move out. So the person I was most angry with was me. My favourite therapist helped me understand why I dragged my heels on the break up. He also helped me understand that my choice of partner wasn’t a sound match from the get go. Yikes. Fortunately, I was able to readjust my compass, and understand what sort of person would fit well into my life. I ended up finding the love of my life about a year later, and we just had our 10 year anniversary this week. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Rescuing your self-worth…

Never get your sense of worth from outside yourself. Never fall into the trap of thinking that who you are isn’t enough, and that you need other people’s approval, love and validation in order to feel that you’re of value.

Never allow external things, places, people and circumstances to determine or tell you how much you’re worth. 

It’s called self worth for a reason.

— Luminita Saviuc/Power of /Wordz/ig

Unfortunately, my self-worth was legitimately compromised by my family of origin. Even though I was a top performer; Honour Roll student, Captain of the basketball team, scholarship winner, employee of the month twice at work, worked two jobs and tutored through high school and college, soloist for the bands and choirs, etc., I was tragically short on praise at home. My parents were highly focused on tough love, believing this was most important in raising high quality adults. I don’t mind tough love actually. I think it teaches a lot of accountability and ownership. But I wish there could have been more balance, with love, compassion and praise when fairly earned. This somewhat military upbringing left me feeling not good enough, regardless of the multitude of kudo’s I received outside the home. It’s taken a lot of therapy to overcome the lack of acknowledgement and appreciation I grew up with. And even still, I love my atta girls. So clearly self-worth is complicated, with deep roots and takes care and cultivation. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Let go of…

• Needing to have it all “figured out.” Embrace the reality of not having all the answers.
• Dwelling on what could have been. Focus on the opportunities and paths in front of you.
• Trying to please everyone. What’s most important is that you’re happy with yourself. 
• Being overly self-critical. Acknowledge your mistakes with a compassionate perspective.
• Trying to avoid mistakes. Failure is a natural part of learning, growth and success.
• Holding grudges. They hinder your happiness.

— Saba Powell, M.A., LPC, @curly_therapist 

My favourite line is “Failure is a natural part of learning, growth and success.” I also like “Acknowledge your mistakes with a compassionate perspective.” Personally, I’ve been beating myself up for not being further ahead financially, in career, and in lifestyle. I just thought I’d have more “success” and financial freedom at this point. However, I was also road kill during the 2008 financial crisis, which profoundly set me back. I’ve also been willing to take a LOT of calculated risks in pursuit of the ultimate entrepreneurial endeavour. And for that, I’ll give myself a big credit. I don’t give up! And I’m keeping my dream and vision of the perfect life close to my heart and soul. Wish me luck! Just sayin’ : ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Are you a giver?…

If you are a giver, please know your limits

because the takers don’t have any.

— Unknown 

I’ve had to learn to take responsibility for over-giving, actually. My favourite therapist says this is a coping strategy that can be shifted. It feels good to take better care of myself, and to have life in better balance. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Be clear…

Focus less on what you need to do, and more on what you need to be. 

Be clear.

Clarity is one of the most important keys to manifesting what you want. 

If your thoughts aren’t clear, then the Universe doesn’t know how or what to give you. 

— Unknown

Another thing I wish I could go back and tell my younger self. I can see where I wasn’t clear in my needs and wants in relationships. I can see where I wasn’t clear at work, in presenting a sound, and compelling business case for resources needed. I can see where I wasn’t even clear with myself about what I wanted and needed. Once I figured this out, wow. Game changer. I began to get exactly what I asked for, and then some. It’s sort of miraculous actually. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Six moments that change a woman forever…

1. The loss of her mother

2. The loss of her father

3. Betrayal by someone she trusted

4. Experiencing heartbreak

5. Losing everything and rebuilding from scratch

6. Accepting that no one is coming to rescue her. 

— Unknown 

Wow, I’ve endured each and every one of these, and it makes me realize just how much I’ve come through. They’re right— whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And you can rest proud, knowing you’re resilient and that you can deal with whatever else may come along. Just sayin’ ; Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

 

Forgiveness not a one time thing…

Every time you remember, forgive again

Forgiveness is not a one time thing. You will choose it repeatedly, over and over again—even if the offence and sin happened years ago. So it’s good to be reminded that every time you remember, choose to forgive again. For your freedom, joy, and peace. Don’t allow bitterness and pride to be planted and grow in your heart. Surrender it quickly…

 — joenasandiego

I have found this to be particularly true. Just when I thought I’d moved past certain hurts and/or betrayals, the old feelings would rear up again. As a matter of fact, after sort of graduating from 3+ years of intensive, individual and group therapy, I find myself back in “the work” again. I went about ten years feeling good, managing on my own. Then my mother died, left a messy and hurtful will situation, and sent me into a fresh tail spin. I hit the wall and knew I couldn’t go it alone. And thank God. My therapist is my hero. The compassion, kindness and cathartic exercises are nothing short of miraculous, and deeply spiritual actually. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Communicating feelings and desires more openly…

I am happier since I

• Started believing that I can do hard things.
• Decided to focus on progress not perfection.
• Started communicating my feelings and desires more openly. 
• Began paying more attention to where I put my time and energy.
• Realized I do not have to figure everything out all at once.
• Became intentional about appreciating the small beautiful moments of my everyday life.
• Chose to focus on things in my control and letting go of what is out of my control.

— Nawal Moustafa: M.A. @thebraincoach

It took me a long time to communicate openly, even with myself perhaps. I took pride in being a low-maintenance, independent babe. And I thought I was easy going, flexible and happy to go along and get along. This eventually wore thin, however, and led to mismatched relationships. I finally had to get real honest with myself and know that I do not like skiing, the cold, museums, musicals etc etc. I now spend my precious free time doing things I love, and with my perfect partner, who also likes to do such things. Fewf! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Not everyone is on the same journey…

The Train Station Theory

Life is like a train station.

People come and go. 

Some stay for a few stops.

Some ride with you for miles.

Some leave before you’re ready to say goodbye.

But every person teaches you something,

even if they’re not meant to stay forever.

The key is knowing when to hold on, 

and when to let them catch their next train.

Because not everyone is on the same journey, 

and that’s okay.

— Unknown 

I don’t know about you, but I become very attached to people, even when things have gone south. In fact, I’ve been notoriously bad at leaving relationships. I wish I could go back in time and share this train station analogy with my younger self. The explanation is kind, and makes a lot of sense. I can accept that. Just sayin’ : ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Your body keeps the score…

 12 truths from therapy that may just change your life:

• Thoughts are not facts
• Your past does not define your future
• Perfectionism is a myth
• Change begins with self-acceptance
• There is power in your vulnerability 
• You can’t change others, just yourself
• Forgiveness is for you not the other person
• You can change
• Your inner critic is not your friend 
• Your body keeps the score
• You are not responsible for other peoples happiness
• It’s OK to walk away from toxic relationships

Another note about yesterday’s quote. My favourite therapist says to feel into our bodies to determine what’s going on; how we’re feeling, is everything okay? And there is some evidence to suggest that our emotional issues land on our bodies physically; migraines, ulcers, digestive issues. For me, it’s always been digestive issues. I’m working with my therapist as we speak! He feels it’s about blocked emotion, and unresolved childhood trauma. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

12 truths from therapy…

12 truths from therapy that may just change your life:

• Thoughts are not facts
• Your past does not define your future
• Perfectionism is a myth
• Change begins with self-acceptance
• There is power in your vulnerability 
• You can’t change others, just yourself
• Forgiveness is for you not the other person
• You can change
• Your inner critic is not your friend 
• Your body keeps the score
• You are not responsible for other peoples happiness
• It’s OK to walk away from toxic relationships

Perfectionism is something I’ve needed to address. My neat freak tendencies are one thing, but needing life to be “sunny and sunnier”, as per my favourite therapist’s insight, is a whole other thing. My childhood was defined by unpredictability and fear, so I understand the resulting desire, and need really, to control my environment. The hope is, of course, to put past trauma to rest, and not continue such stressful, and often unconscious coping mechanisms. Just sayin’ : ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

If you want others to see you, you must see yourself…

Be the love you never received. Be the acknowledgment you never got. Be the listener you always needed. Look at the younger versions of yourself within you and give yourself what it is you always needed.

That is the first step of healing. If you want others to see you, you must see yourself. 

— Vienna Pharaon

I was exposed to this sort of philosophy and guidance when I was younger, and honestly I didn’t get it. It took professional help for me to “see myself”, which means I learned to accept myself for who I am, and allowed me to figure out what I want, and what I don’t want. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Things to unlearn…

• Seeking external validation instead of self assurance
• Pretending like I’m fine instead of asking for support
• Worth is determined by success
• Sacrificing my voice/beliefs to avoid conflict
• Society’s beauty standards
• Uncomfortable feelings are bad or wrong
• Making myself smaller to fit into social situations
• Trying to ‘win’ the argument
• That I have to feel happy all the time
• I must earn a break or rest
• Ignoring my own boundaries to please other people

— @immovableminds

This list pretty much summarizes what I learned in therapy. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Sometimes growth looks like…

Knowing that you are not responsible for other people’s bad moods, silent treatment, negative reactions to your boundaries, lack of emotional maturity or victim mentality.

— @h.e.l.e.n.m.a.r.i.e.

I’ve had quite the epiphany recently. I used to be more “Switzerland” in my relationships, with the bandwidth to hold space for others. I was happy to listen, with openness, and appreciate whatever mood/grievance this person had, with curiosity and support. Even if the energy coming back had a fair bit of emotional weight at times. But as I’ve aged, the demands on my own well being have required a preservation of my energy and psyche. Simply put, I ran out of steam (which is very common with women of a certain age. The big “change” and all that). I needed to pull back in a big, perhaps startling way, and  this self-retreat landed badly on some of my important relationships. In hindsight, I wish I could have communicated better about my needs and experience along the way. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Healing happens by feeling…

Instead of drinking it away, smoking it away, sleeping it away, eating it away, or running from it.

Just sit with it.

Healing happens by feeling. 

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist says we cannot feel what we deny, and we cannot heal what we cannot feel. I have not particularly wanted to investigate my childhood wounds, but the written exercises and group work have been surprisingly cathartic (in group therapy, emotions can bubble up by listening to other painful stories in the room). And then, happily, some of the old stuff is miraculously released upward, like light lanterns in the sky. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

The coolest people…

The coolest people I know:

• Don’t respond to negativity
• Don’t speak poorly about others
• Show up on time
• Give without expectations
• Deliberately optimistic
• Don’t nitpick or brag
• Show gratitude
• Have good manners
• Make no excuses
• Random acts of kindness

— Unknown 

I continue to work on the first one. At the beginning of my healing journey, my therapist said (and I’m paraphrasing here) “You want life to be sunny and sunnier, but this leaves you with a broken compass. You need all of your emotions, even the ‘bad’ ones, because your feelings provide valuable information that you need to make healthy decisions.” I still don’t like anger and negativity, but I realize these feelings have a place and need to be addressed. Just sayin’  ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

You don’t have a disorder—you have a survival response…

• ADHD - your brain is trying to adapt to a chaotic, distracted world
• Anxiety - your body is detecting a threat your conscious mind is ignoring
• Depression - your energy has been redirected into deep internal repair
• OCD - your brain is trying to create safety through control
• Panic attacks - your body is offloading chronic stress it can no longer hold
• Bipolar - your nervous system is swinging between burnout and survival mode
• Dissociation - your soul is pulling the plug to protect itself 

— Unknown 

I had a feeling my neat freak tendencies were due to control issues, Lol. But seriously though, I can check a few of these boxes. What I’ve learned from intensive therapy is that hidden issues from childhood trauma tend to affect our most important relationships, and potentially land on our health as well. I pursued therapy to save my marriage at the time, and I’m so glad I did. We didn’t save the relationship, but we saved ourselves and we both moved on to better matched, healthier and happier relationships. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Healing involves healthy grieving…

Ironically, when we start to get better, we also start to get sad - because we realize how much we’ve missed out on, how badly certain people failed us, what the younger version of us actually deserved. 

Healing involves healthy grieving.  

No way around it. 

— Unknown 

What I’m learning is that trauma is very likely to land on our physical body and affect our health. Yikes. I’ve read that not all people who suffer trauma, end up with disease. But most people with disease have suffered trauma. In other words, it’s likely preventative medicine to take care of our mental and emotional health. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

How to move through big emotions…

• Pause and acknowledge the emotion — give it space and time
• Sense the emotion in your body — where do I feel it (e.g. tightness in the chest, muscle tension, stomach cramps, jaws clenched, pounding heart…)
• Name the emotion (e.g. I feel sad/happiness/fear…)
• Remember — you are safe & all emotions pass
• Attribute the cause — what caused it to appear? What happened right before it appeared?
• Decode its message — why is it visiting me? What message does it have & what need is wanting to be met?
• Act — decide how to cope and act
• Let it go — when you feel ready, let the emotion go in a safe way that works for you

— @mymentalhealthspace

My favourite therapist says it is absolutely critical to feel what we’re feeling. And to go back in time and address unexpressed/blocked, and likely problematic, emotions from our childhood. He also believes in writing about, and answering poignant questions about these formative experiences, so that our emotions can bubble up to be healed. I’ve found written work to be cathartic, and quite a relief frankly. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Get back to yourself…

Sometimes it’s okay to disappear from this chaotic world 

to get back to yourself.

— Unknown 

I had heard about “going inward” and needing to love yourself first, and all that, but I didn’t really understand what that meant and how to do it. Fortunately, I ended up in therapy. In truth, I was only there to save my relationship. But I soon realized I had baggage, and that baggage was preventing me from having a healthy relationship. The more “work” I do, the better my relationship(s), and the better my life is overall. I’ve never looked back. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Let it hurt, then let it heal…

If I could tell 

you anything to save you the time and the lessons in this life, I would tell you to never let anything that happens to you turn you bitter. Don’t let the pain of something that was out of your hands turn you cold, love. Stay soft, as hard as that is sometimes, try. Try with all of your heart to stay tender. I know there’s a lot of things that hurt, take us to our knees and threaten our hearts with a stone cold grudge. Let it go. You can’t change it, but you can choose to not let it change you. Don’t let the pain define you. You are bigger than that. I hope you know. You are never how someone makes you feel. Let it hurt, then let it heal. But don’t linger there. 

Remember who you are and rise. 

—Stephanie B. Henry 

My favourite therapist says we can’t feel what we deny. And we cannot heal what we cannot feel. It’s a bit counter-intuitive because no one really wants to go back and relive crappy, possibly traumatic, experiences. But, these damaging experiences are said to wreak havoc on our lives and relationships, so there’s real upside in offloading some of the old baggage. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Things mentally strong people do…

• They move on. The don’t waste time feeling sorry for themselves.
• They embrace change. They welcome challenges.
• They stay happy. They don’t waste energy on things they cannot control.
• They are kind, fair, and unafraid to speak up.
• They are willing to take calculated risks.
• They celebrate other people’s success. They don’t resent that success.

— Unknown

I’ve been thinking a lot about life’s challenges. And I’ve had quite a few big ones. I’m in the middle of a scary health situation right now, and a lot of people are reaching out regularly, which is completely lovely and appreciated. Thing is, on some level no one can help you. In the quiet moments, you are left to manage yourself, your emotions, your thoughts, your fears. I’ve certainly been the stronger for overcoming my challenges, but you still have to go through the process. And the biggest ones tend to be lengthy; such as looking for a new job, mourning an old relationship/finding a new partner, enduring a betrayal, overcoming financial straits, and God forbid navigating a health crisis. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Life is not a fairy tale…

Most difficult yet comforting things to accept about life

• Everyone is insecure about something. It’s not just you.
• You will never be 100% sure about decisions you made. But always make a decision because it’s better to go back and fix it than to never make it at all.
• There is always someone better than you. So there’s not point to compare.
• There’s nothing in life you can really control except your own thoughts and actions. So always hope for the best and prepare for the worst. 
• Nothings lasts forever. Things change. People change. And YOU can change anytime too.
• Life is not a fairy tale. That’s why it’s always exciting and you’ll never be bored. 
• Hard work doesn’t guarantee success. But that’s what makes it challenging. 

— Unknown 

Life is most definitely NOT a fairy tale, Lol. I’ve faced most of the big traumatic life experiences; job loss, near bankruptcy, failed entrepreneurial endeavours, a couple of heavy betrayals (mother, and ex-partner), divorce… and presently, a big health scare. Yikes. When one of these epic and gruelling moments lands, it’s surreal. I think you get better at coping though, taking it day by day, and knowing you are strong enough to endure. The blood, sweat and tears don’t rattle you quite as much and you can commit to being the better for it. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Hugging is communication…

Hugging is 

The most beautiful form of communication 

that allows the other person to know 

beyond a doubt 

that they matter.

— AnxiousAndy 

Here here. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Emotional maturity looks like…

• Not engaging in conversations with people who are committed to misunderstanding you.
• Disengaging from other people’s drama.
• Not playing other people’s games.
• Not having to share your side of the story.
• Seeing the part you may play in situations.
• Learning that everyone has their own lens.
• Learning not to take things personally.
• Pausing before responding.
• Knowing that actions speak louder than words.
• Taking responsibility for your own life & choices.

— @h.e.l.e.n.m.a.r.i.e

With age, I’ve realized that some dynamics are more difficult than others. And this applies to love, family, friendships and colleagues. Even acquaintances and neighbours. Some people just rub each other the wrong way and there’s no fixing it. So I’m trying to limit time around such dynamics. Just sayin’  ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Dreams reveal our emotional truth…

Psychologists say… 

• The happier you are the less sleep you require to function in every day life. Sadness increases the urge to sleep.
• Dreams reveal feelings that we’ve hidden or repressed because dreams are a reflection of our unconscious mind, our emotional truth.
• The unhappiest people in the world are the ones who care what everyone thinks about them.
• By thinking one positive thought every morning, you can psychologically trick your brain into being a happier person.
• Walking increases brain activity.
• Intelligent people are more likely to avoid conflict, which explains why some people notice everything but choose to say nothing.

— @quotesshotsofwisdom

I’ve often wondered about the more stressful, fearful dreams, that feel kinda movie-like. It’s worth investigating further, that’s for sure. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Being happy doesn’t mean you have it all…

Remember, being happy doesn’t mean you have it all.

It simply means you’re thankful for all you have.

— Unknown 

I can certainly fall into the trap of wanting bigger (closet space, Lol!), better (business class anyone?), more (longer warm vacations!). But I also need to remind myself to appreciate and enjoy the lifestyle I already have, which is pretty comfortable. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Some people are human medicine…

Some people are human medicine.

You spend an hour with them and everything feels better.

— Unknown 

We should spend more time around such people, right? And be someone who offers the same in kind (feel good, positive, calm, present, great listener?). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Things that exist, but you can’t see…

• All the compliments that people have thought of you but never shared.
• Your tiny cells fighting together to keep you alive. 
• How proud little you would be of the person you’ve become.
• You showing up in others’ dreams.
• Your endless potential and power to create whatever your heart desires.
• People thinking of you and smiling. 
• How much you’ve already healed. 

— @latenightepiphanies_

Being the touch’y-feel’y girl that I am, I love such sentiments. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Life changes…

You lose love. You lose friends.

You lose pieces of yourself that you never imagined would be gone.

And then, without you even realizing it, these pieces come back.

New love enters. Better friends come along. And a stronger, wiser you 

is staring back in the mirror.

— Unknown

I have lost love. I have lost friends. I have faced betrayal (in love, friendship and at the hands of my mother!). I have survived divorce, job loss, near bankruptcy and a health scare. I find I’ve taken a keen interest in how I manage my emotions and thoughts during a crisis, particularly during the not knowing phase. The emotions feel scary. The thoughts are often worse. And thank GOD for my spiritual fall back, because this has allowed me to surrender, as best as possible, and let life be what it is. The brain wants to nail down facts and find solutions, comparing all the various scary scenarios. And this can be a brutal roller coaster ride. For me, leaning into faith brings a sense of calm and makes life feel more manageable. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Some things you won’t get over…

There will be some things you won’t get over.  

Some things that will sting you so hard they will set you back to where you started. And you will hurt and hurt and hurt. But you will also rise from it. You will learn from the past. You will adapt and survive no matter how hard it gets. You will shape your own reality and accept how you should never settle for anything less than you deserve.

— r.m. Drake 

It took me years to get over my last break up. I was soooo mad at myself because in truth I was done a full year before things fell apart. I kind of left the relationship without moving out. I had been moving away on every level, but wasn’t truthful about the extent of things. More importantly, I wasn’t honest with myself. And did I ever pay for that. He ended up falling in love with someone else, in the middle of the relationship (someone from our inner circle) and things ended in a sudden, shocking, and humiliating way. I understand why I delayed. I wasn’t certain that a better relationship was possible, and I was afraid of being single in my city, which is notoriously low on eligible bachelors. But what I learned is that you either have a great match, or you’ll have a challenging relationship that will likely fall apart anyway. Fortunately, I learned my lesson. I decided I’d rather be alone forever than go through another break up and I took the time to understand myself, my needs, my wants, my can’t live with’s and my can’t live withouts. And I realized that each of my past partners actually had serious deal breakers. Duh. So I hadn’t been selective enough in choosing a life partner. I ended up meeting my perfect partner and love of my life within a year. Just sayin’ : ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Time doesn’t heal…

Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it just gives them some space to sink into the subconscious where they still impact your emotions and behaviours. What heals is going inward, loving yourself, accepting yourself, listening to your needs, addressing your attachments and emotional history, and learning how to let go and follow your intuition.

— Yung Pueblo (Diego Perez is a Mediator and # 1 New York Times bestselling author, who goes by the pen name Yung Pueblo. He has an online following of 4 million, and has sold over 1.5 million books. His focus is on the power of self-healing and creating healthy relationships).

My favourite therapist says relationships are a great litmus test for how we’re doing emotionally because loved ones tend to get under our skin and trigger unresolved emotional issues. And this actually presents an opportunity to address our baggage, and evolve toward healthier relationships. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl