What we're made of...

"The same boiling water that softens the potato, hardens the egg. It's about what you're made of. Not the circumstances."

- Quotebook.In

Indeed.

Blessings,

Chatgirl.

Security vs taking risks...

Do we aim for security and stay there, or do we take some risks in life? This is such an interesting topic and may have a lot to do with genetics. I'm sure some of us are just born to live in a way that sees the bills paid each month, money in the bank and things well taken care of. Good enough and admirable for sure. Then there are those who must put it all on the line, stretch the comfort zone and try for something new, different, exciting and potentially scary. Enter the entrepreneurs, who bring us new discoveries and inventions (these two categories are not mutually exclusive of course. Einstein was a patent clerk, so he did both). Thing is, taking big risks usually involves the long view and maybe a few failures and red on the books for a sustained period. There is some evidence that entrepreneurs exhibit many sociopathic qualities because you have to be a little crazy to go down a path that shows little encouragement along the way ;) Beyond genetics, a lot of very successful people say it was a gut thing. They just believed in their idea. It was something they had to do. No matter what. I'm wondering if this applies to love as well. You meet someone and despite obstacles and fears, you just feel how you feel. You believe in this person, you know what you feel and you want to stand by them. No matter what.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

To cry or not to cry...

Here's what researchers and therapists say about crying...

"Crying is a natural emotional response to certain feelings, usually sadness and hurt. But then people (also) cry under other circumstances and occasions... people cry in response to something of beauty. There I use the word 'melting.' They are letting go of their guard, their defences, tapping into a place deep inside themselves. Crying does serve an emotional purpose. It's a release. There is a build up of energy with feelings... when someone cries, it shows their vulnerability. It's shifting the level of intimacy. It can make you feel awkward, useless, or just uncomfortable. I think in general people are uncomfortable with vulnerability." (Stephen Sideroff, University of California Los Angeles and Orthopaedic Hospital).

"Crying can also be a survival mechanism. When you cry it's a signal you need to address something... it may mean you are frustrated, overwhelmed or even just trying to get someone's attention." (Jodi DeLuca, PhD Neuropsychologist, Tampa General Hospital, Florida)

"Crying may also have a biochemical purpose, as it is believed to release stress hormones or toxins from the body." (Lauren Bylsma, University of South Florida).

"For various reasons, a lot of people push down their tears; they suppress them. One of the consequences is we sort of deaden ourselves, to suppress or not even notice we have those feelings inside. The way that looks to the outside world is depression. Better to acknowledge feelings such as sadness and hurt. Feelings are not about good or bad, it's just what is." (Sideroff)

"Those who suppress emotions and cannot cry may be jeopardizing their physical health. The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep." (Deluca)

- Compliments of WebMD.

So! In summary, looks like the latest research is telling us that, athough potentially embarrassing in public, tears are very natural and healthy.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Trusted friends are the new family...

Family will always have it's place and nothing can take away from the bond of the blood line. May I just say personally speaking, however, that friends are the tonic of life. I have never felt more loved, accepted, supported and nurtured as I have from my long standing and sometimes newer friends. We get to choose our friends and so we often have a lot in common with them or we find ourselves going through similar experiences. Such foundation offers solace in the bumpy and often times emotionally challenging journey that is life. Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Open to love?...

Being open to love is no given and no joke. A good therapist will say that if we've experienced unpleasant experiences with love relationships in our impressionable years (parents in particular), it is very possible that we will be hesitant and fearful of love moving forward... unless we take steps to remove old wounds and triggers. Relationships come and go along the way, so this doesn't help our limping paradigm of love and the inevitable hurt that can come with it. Kind of a sucky thought, right? But truly, being open and vulnerable over and over again, despite overwhelming odds against success in relationships is somewhat staggering to say the least. Luckily, romance and attraction are very powerful, so we're usually willing to take another chance, and then another chance, maybe after some licking of our wounds in the down times. The big epiphany came for me recently, when I realized I was not getting what I wanted and needed in my primary relationships to date. I stopped and thought about what I bring and what I give and realized these are the things I want to receive! So! Done. Nothing less for me moving forward and so far so good. Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Weeding the garden...

Yin-yang and part of the normal ups and downs,  or something that shouldn't be in the cycle of your life? I've made bold and defining decisions over the last year. I've chosen my health and well-being over outdated loyalties and some sort of martyrdom I've been carrying around. When your life is unexpectedly turned upside down and you realize someone you thought you could trust did not have your back, you learn to take stock of yourself but quick. It's a rude awakening, but heck, never too late to make your own happiness number one, right? Just sayin' :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Balance...

Life is a tricky and delicate balance in so many ways. We need people, but on some level we have to be self-sufficient. There are endless and seemingly paradoxical examples of the intricacies we navigate in our lives. I like the yin-yang Chinese Philosophy, which describes how "opposite or contrary forces are actually complimentary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they give rise to each other... in which the whole is greater than the assembled parts." (ref. Wikipedia). Put another way, "the universe and everything in it is both constant and cyclical. One force dominates and then it is replaced by the opposing force. This activity continues constantly and repeats itself over time." (ref. feng-shui.lovetoknow.com). So I guess we should know and expect life to be cyclical and to include the "light and the dark" or the "highs and lows"... I still say knowing and expecting the dark or low times doesn't make them any easier, but maybe it makes the highs higher? Hopefully the awareness gives our lives more meaning. Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Taking emotional risks...

We swim in uncertain waters much of the time. We just don't know. We need to make decisions, but we don't have all the information and this can lead to feeling completely foolish in the light of 20-20 hindsight. Specifically in relationships, we are asked to place our delicate emotions, and maybe our future, in someone else's hands. We can only hope that both people are able to lead with emotional honesty and courage, so says one of my cherished coaches. Emotional courage and honesty require that we face our deepest, humbling truths, with no apologies. Apparently we must own our needs/wants and allow our loved ones access to this crucial information. My cherished coach tells me this is necessary in the deepening of intimacy in relationships. Achieving real intimacy may be one of the most difficult and frightening things to accomplish in life because expressing uncomfortable realities may actually threaten the status quo and even life as we know it. We will likely subject ourselves to an overwhelming emotion that leaves us floundering. Our body may take over, rendering us temporarily lost in a place where there are no words. When we finally resurface, we will likely recognize the usual suspects; fear of failure, fear of abandonment and rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of not being loved, fear of being alone. At the end of the day though, if we can tackle such high stakes, we may enjoy the benefits of being truly known by ourselves and those we care about. We may well live more honest, comfortable and fulfilling lives.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

What kind of love...

What kind of love do we want in our lives? What kind of love have we accepted and allowed in our lives?...

"Our love is like a well in the wilderness where time watches over the wandering lightning. Our sleep is a secret tunnel that leads to the scent of apples carried on the wind. When I hold you, I hold everything that is -- swans, volcanoes, river rocks, maple trees drinking the fragrance of the moon, bread that the fire adores. In your life I see everything that lives."

- compliments of Rob Brezny, Pronoia Is the Antidote for Paranoia

I say we ask for more and a better quality of love in our lives.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The gift of patience and understanding...

We want things. We see something going a certain way in our minds... and then things don't roll out that way. We react, we may be disappointed, we may feel frustrated with another, or just frustrated in general. Do we really need things to go our way all the time? Thing is, there's no reality built in to that position. Shit happens. Stuff comes up and other people have their own circumstances. We can sit and stew, or we can allow others to manage their end of things. There is a lot we cannot control and same goes for the people in our lives. Personally, I realize it's a whole lot more relaxing to chill and just go with the flow (I'm not saying it's always easy, Lol!). But seriously, how about relaxing and giving the gift of patience and understanding. Most importantly, we could be compassionate about what others face, both practically and emotionally. If someone is important enough to us, we should care about the stress, disappointments and upsets they're facing as well. We want others to treat us this way too, right? Just sayin;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Looking to another...

It's pretty easy to be balanced when it's just yourself. Sure, life throws curve balls on a regular basis, but when there's only oneself to take care of and impress, life is somewhat predictable. A good therapist will tell you that the real test comes when you have someone else to factor in. How well do we manage life when we have to/want to take care of another and when they have to/want to care for us. May I just say right off the bat, the woman/man thing is a real deal. No matter what guy or girl you're talking about, men and women operate differently and often have very different needs and wants. Not easy, right? At least life's never boring, ha ha. Don't know if there's an actual answer to these challenges. I guess each person has to communicate clearly about what they need and want and hope this goes over well. Communication isn't always easy because we don't want to seem demanding, needy or high-maintenance, especially at the beginning. I guess the caution is waiting too long to speak up because differences can become deal breakers if not tended to. Just sayin' ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Triggers

We get upset. Someone disappoints us or something happens that we don't like. Just how upset are we and are things in proportion? I've learned the hard way on this one (slow learner again, Lol;)). If you work with a coach or therapist, they let you know pretty quick that your reactions are "your stuff." This can be an eye opener for sure. No matter what anyone else does and no matter what goes on "out there" we are left to manage ourselves, our emotions, our reactions. The only thing we can control is ourselves (although, sometimes we can't even do that, Lol!). In the end, we pretty much need to cut life/our loved ones/ourselves some slack because we all carry around past hurts and upbringing stuff that can leave us overly sensitive and we don't want to put that old crap onto what's happening right now. (At least not all of it). Just sayin;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatigirl

Managing expectations...

I remember learning about expectations in psychology 101, first year university. Essentially, the theory talks about how our expectations affect how we feel about pretty much everything. For example, if we hear a lot of buzz about a movie, our expectations may become so high that by the time we go see it, we're not all that impressed. Conversely, if we've heard something totally sucks, we'll probably be pleasantly surprised and think not so bad. So! Expectations can really set us up for disappointment or unexpected and pleasant experiences. What do we do with that? Well, I guess if we try to keep the expectations fair and balanced, we may be able to minimize the drama on our end. Just sayin ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Our well-being...

I think I've said this every which way... but seriously, I think my favourite therapist is a genius. He says "as soon as you have your own back, you will have the kind of life/relationship(s) you've always wanted." What does this mean? And how do we do it? Well, here's what I've figured out and here's what I'm thinkin'... It's not about putting ourselves first by being selfish, but it's about accepting who we are and knowing what we need and want, and making no apologies for that. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure how it happens. It seems like quite a process getting to a place of complete comfort with all of our individual qualities - good, bad, weird, quirky, whatever. There's also a letting go of others and letting them be who they are and letting them do what they need to do - even if it doesn't match up with what we need or want. It's about trust - trusting that we're going to be okay no matter what and that we're going to walk our own path and find the fulfillment that we need to be happy, regardless of what others are doing around us. It's about saying no and/or letting people down sometimes because that's what we need to do for our own well-being. When we commit fully to ourselves, some amazing things happen. Most of all, there's an inner confidence and sense of security when we choose to NOT abandon our deepest thoughts, feelings, needs and wants. Just sayin :) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Healthy detachment...

Hitting rock bottom, finding your way back to level, learning to be in the moment and feeling strong on your own can all lead to something wonderful - a healthy and comforting detachment. I think you can actually care even more about the commitments and people in your life... but deep down, you know you have to take care of your own business and happiness ultimately resides within. There is so much less pressure on everything around you when you find this sort of stability and security. You're not looking to a relationship to fill you up. You're not relying on money to make you happy. People can be who they are and things can be what they are... and you can just be. Know what I mean? Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

In the moment...

A lot of books and helping professionals talk about the importance of being "in the moment." Yoga and meditation can help a lot. I think there's something to be said for this whole school of thought. I started paying attention to "the moment" in a big way after reading A New Earth by Ekhart Tolle. I still find myself looking back, or checking my calendar and stressing about everything I need to do in the coming weeks. Then, thank God, I remember to put the dates away and come back to right now. What am I doing right this minute? Am I under any pressure right now? Nope :) E. Tolle talks about chronological time vs psychological (emotionally charged) time. If we're merely scheduling events, no problem. If we're finding ourselves lost in negative emotions over the past or fears about the future, not so good. I'm gonna stick with this gauge... because stress truly is a buzz kill ;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chargirl

Rock bottom the beginning? ..

Rock bottom can be a good thing. When life falls spectacularly apart, we're left with the bare minimum, our naked selves. I'm talking the significant stuff; job loss, financial crisis, relationship(s) break down, the threat of complete and utter ruin. The dust has a way of clearing and we find some serious life focus. So what's left? What is the outcome of such freakish, terrifying and life altering circumstances? Well, I guess you make some decisions and you change some things. Most importantly, you survive. You learn to count solely on yourself and you find an inner strength you didn't know you possessed. You learn not to betray yourself by "allowing" things into your life that don't feel right. You learn to respect yourself first. Then you learn who you can trust. You commit to your life and the things you need to do - for you and only you. You do things because you want to and because you know they'll lead to the kind of life you want. You stop looking for someone or something to fulfill you. You know that it's on you. Amazingly enough, this is a very empowering experience. When you survive, ground yourself and then thrive, you build life altering confidence that you can rely on moving forward. Fear dissolves, you set the bar higher and you stand your own ground. You have the freedom to care less about what goes on around you because you know you're going to be okay, no matter what happens "out there." There's a letting go, so to speak, and some effortless and amazing gifts arrive.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Healthy boundaries...

Our lives are full. We may be too busy in life today, especially with smart phones and 24/7 access to the social media/internet feed. We have work, family (kids), friends, exercise/hobbies, etc. and so most of us probably have limited down time. I hear people talk about this a lot. There's just not not enough time to zone out and watch TV or just do nothing. When we do have free time, how much of our lives are tied up in work stress, relationship conflict or just feeling too exhausted to enjoy those moments? The whole "weeding the garden" idea comes to mind. Wise healing professionals talk a lot about energies and minimizing the loss of our good energy. We've all spent time with the black cloud people who leave us spent vs people who make us feel fantastic and energized. One life coach in particular advises minimizing the "negative emotional residue and loss of our vital healthy energy" from sources of negativity. Just sayin;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Believe...

I'm gonna sound like a bumper sticker today, Lol;) I think a lot of self-help type sayings are coming across as blah, blah, blah these days. I hear people pooh-pooh The Secret a lot (that book/movie that talks about manifesting what you want). I have to say though, recently some amazing things are coming to fruition for me... and I did "put it out there" and "see" these hopes and dreams coming true in my mind and heart first. Just sayin';)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Game changer...

So here's what happened lately. A simple, yet profound principle popped into my head. I don't know why this has not come to me before now?? I've had the realization that I want to be around people who treat me the way I treat them. I want to be in relationships where I receive what I give. So, what I'm looking for is warmth, kindness, intimacy, affection, acceptance, generosity etc... and guess what? This is exactly what I see in my life now... !!! Game changer. Just sayin;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Behind the eight ball...

I'm gonna get real personal here... because I think it's important and meaningful to connect with others and share our experiences. I think we can learn a lot from each other and it helps us feel connected and not alone. Right? Well, that's how I feel anyway. So, here's the thing.... I've been realizing a lot lately that my earlier years put me behind the eight ball in a big way. I'm not gonna feel sorry for myself because we've all got a story. We've all had our challenges and sorrows and we do our best anyway. What I'm saying though is that if we've come from a less than supportive environment, it can really stick. I have found myself in too many relationships that didn't make me feel very good, but somehow I didn't realize it. I don't mind saying that I am hugely relieved to have figured this one out. Finally! Wow, slow learner or what;) It's never too late to make great choices and find real happiness. Just sayin;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

One year down...

It's nice to get that first year done and out of the way. I'm coming up on the one year anniversary of my shocking betrayal/break up with someone I thought had my back - as a person above all. Know what I mean? The romance can leave a relationship and there's not much to be done, but you hope someone who's been your best friend/family for a number of years would take care not to throw you under the bus. But, alas, these things happen. I know it's not easy to hurt/break up with someone. I know this is something to avoid and put off. Thing is, the bump in the rug just gets bigger doesn't it? Why do we think that avoidance and procrastination is a good plan? I have some work to do on this as well. I've been avoiding some important people because I haven't been willing to share my emotional guts, unless I feel incredibly safe . At some point though, we have to stand up straight and face our lives. Just sayin;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The obstacle of fear...

We get into a groove and enjoy our comfort zone. There's enough in life to challenge us and the unknown presents the potential for discomfort and stress? Thing is, we're probably missing out. Maybe we're middling... ? Bruce Lipton (a genius scientist who's observed some very interesting things about how we behave and why) suggests that we're holding ourselves back in a big way.

"I'd also like to suggest that you examine how your fears and the ensuing protection behaviors impact your life. What fears are stunting your growth? Where did these fears come from? Are they necessary? Are they real? Are they contributing to a full life?... President Franklin D. Roosevelt knew the destructive nature of fear. He chose his words carefully when he told the nation in the grips of the Great Depression and looming World War: ' We have nothing to fear, but fear itself.' Letting go of our fears is the first step toward creating a fuller, more satisfying life."

- by Bruce Lipton, the Biology of Belief

Another great book on the topic is Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, by Susan Jeffers. (She says fear is a very natural response and we should push past it).

On a personal note, I challenged myself to overcome the fear of public speaking a few years back. I practiced like hell in front of a chair for a really important job interview (I was quickly becoming destitute, post 2008) and I kept telling myself that because I knew the speech inside and out and backwards I was going to succeed and bloody well enjoy doing it! Amazingly enough, I did know the damn thing like crazy and the presentation went perfectly. I didn't get the job because they thought I was over-qualified, Lol;) !!, but I have been a lot more comfortable speaking in front of people ever since! What's next? Fear of singing in front of people maybe? 'Cause that comes from a more emotional place and feels a whole lot more personal to me. Can I walk the walk? Keep you posted!

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Gratitude...

We've all been through stuff in our lives. We know how it feels to be in a tough spot, or to be on the shitty end of bad circumstances. Sometimes the challenges are ongoing and we have to persevere beyond the fumes. We're running the proverbial marathon and we wonder when things are going to ease up. Then they do and it's a holy cow. Freedom from plaguing issues (bad relationship, nasty boss, money problems etc.) is a revelation. You almost have to pinch yourself because you can't believe life's gotten so much better. There will always be the general ups and downs in life, but I'm talking about overcoming the real tough and relentless stuff. On the other side of times like this.... gratitude. More gratitude than I could have imagined, personally. I think I've said this before, but, wow, there's more love to go around. The most challenging times of my life have kinda cracked me wide open and I notice a lot of love in general. I am clearly aware of what is good in my life and I am eternally grateful. Most of all, I am grateful that I feel comfortable in my own skin and that I am truly happy with the life I've created for myself. There is big freedom in knowing what feels good, what doesn't - and going in the direction of what feels good. Simple. Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Happy at home...

Are we happy? Or will we be happy when _____ fill in the blank? No question we have moods because we will always feel the spectrum of emotions. Apparently, feeling all of our emotions is important in guiding us and alerting us to important boundaries. When we get pissed off or depressed, we know a boundary has been crossed and that we're not ok with a particular behaviour or action. They say the more we pay attention to how we feel and draw great boundaries, the happier we'll be in our own skin and at home, so to speak. I've been working on this a lot in the past year and it feels pretty darn good I have to say. There's less drama and anxiety overall.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Things we lean on...

What do we turn to in times of need? Who do we turn to when we really need someone to talk to, but not just anyone? I must not have been comfortable turning to people when I was growing up because I usually turn to things when I struggle. I'm just grateful that my crutches are healthy; writing, yoga, swimming (outside in particular), movies, staring at the ocean, staring at a water/city view, reading helpful books. (Chocolate used to be number one in my life, but I've kicked that habit since my bad break up last August!). I do value the support of my closest friends, but I tend to lean on professionals. Talking to people who love and care about us is great for support, but I've tended to find my most meaningful solutions and guidance from a variety of helping professionals. I'm a psychology major, so of course I believe in the value of therapy. Not everyone does I'm sure and that's ok. Above all, I've come to the conclusion that we have to accept ourselves just as we are, whatever happens. We can make every effort to smooth our rough edges or make adjustments for people we care about, but we can't change who we are, so we pretty much have to embrace ourselves fully and make sure the people in our inner circle do as well. Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

What is love?...

"This love that can become a contact with truth itself arises only out of your consciousness - not out of your body, but out of your innermost being. Lust arises out of your body, love arises out of your consciousness. But people don't know their consciousness, and the misunderstanding goes on and on - their bodily lust is taken for love."

- by Osho, Love, Freedom and Aloneness

Food for thought, right?

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Groundhog Day...

They say the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expect a different result. This is definitely a version of Groundhog Day (that great comedy with Bill Murray where he keeps living the same day over and over again until eventually his personality actually improves and then so does his life!). I guess this means taking a hard look at our lives and facing what isn't working. It's so easy to make allowances or excuses, or to put off doing something about troublesome and niggling issues. We hope they'll go away or resolve themselves, but in the end those niggles usually bite us in the butt! And that sucks. Personally, I just get stuck sometimes because although I know something needs to be done, I don't like either option. In the end, I've learned that honouring our core values is necessary and having one's own back is the highest priority. We have to know what feels right for us. We have to know what we need and want in our lives. We also have to respect what others need and want in their lives. Sometimes the two do not align. Again, sucks! Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Scarcasm...

Scarcasm...  I just heard this expression. Kind of a part deux to "How things are said." Says it all I think;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

How things are said...

We have an issue with someone. Do we say something or not? If we do choose to say something, what do we say and how do we say it? A great coach or therapist will advise that we stay with our own experience and always begin with "I am feeling..." or "What happened for me is... " This approach offers the opportunity for greater understanding, compassion and a deepening of the relationship. Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

When good things happen...

Life really can turn on a dime. When it's a gorgeous day and the unexpected happens, you feel like the luckiest person in the world. Work gets better, tensions ease, maybe something rare and beautiful arrives and you can't stop smiling to yourself. You just feel good. Makes it all worth while, doesn't it? :) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl