What to say to a friend or loved one who is suffering.... not easy to know what someone needs when they're struggling. For that matter, we may not even know what we need in times of trauma.
According to Andrea Bonior, Ph.D. (Psychology Today and author of The Friendship Fix), here are the top 4 things not to say:
"I know how you feel" - even if we've experienced something similar, we will never be able to get inside someone else's thoughts and feelings ... and we want to avoid talking about ourselves at a time like this;)
"This is God's plan" - this can be confusing, unhelpful and even enraging to someone who's at a loss.
"If you need anything, give me a call" - apparently this is too vague and puts the burden of effort on an already burdened person. Instead, we could offer to do some simple chores, like grocery shopping, cooking, laundry etc.
"Perhaps the worst thing to say is nothing" - the disappearance of friends is common and is said to be the most painful response of all - probably because people just don't know what to say and don't want to say the wrong thing.
Blessings,
Chargirl
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Friday, January 30, 2015
Making amends
How many times have we wanted to be there for someone ... and then something comes up. It sucks. We want to do both, but shit, not possible. So we choose the option that's important for us and end up leaving someone in the lurch. Is there anything to be done, other than apologize profusely and try to make it up at a later date. Is there any way around feeling like a total schmuck?
According to The DaVinci Dilemma website (Solutions for Multi-Talented People), here's how we can repair a situation when things go awry.
1. Recognize that we've let the person down (and if we're not sure how we've hurt them, we can ask... their avoidance or cooling off toward us will be the clue, Lol!)
Most importantly, let the person express their feelings/thoughts without us making excuses;)
2. Definitely apologize and acknowledge our understanding of the impact we've had - and keep the focus on them of course;)
3. Get creative in making amends or ask the person directly how we can make it up to them.
4. Forgive ourselves (and maybe learn something new, ha ha) because we're all doing the best we can. If we are unable to make amends with someone and we're feeling bothered, we can write a letter to them ... just for ourselves.
Nice to keep the airwaves clear;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
According to The DaVinci Dilemma website (Solutions for Multi-Talented People), here's how we can repair a situation when things go awry.
1. Recognize that we've let the person down (and if we're not sure how we've hurt them, we can ask... their avoidance or cooling off toward us will be the clue, Lol!)
Most importantly, let the person express their feelings/thoughts without us making excuses;)
2. Definitely apologize and acknowledge our understanding of the impact we've had - and keep the focus on them of course;)
3. Get creative in making amends or ask the person directly how we can make it up to them.
4. Forgive ourselves (and maybe learn something new, ha ha) because we're all doing the best we can. If we are unable to make amends with someone and we're feeling bothered, we can write a letter to them ... just for ourselves.
Nice to keep the airwaves clear;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Thursday, January 29, 2015
The worthy art of listening
To listen...
To step aside.
To relax our mind.
To allow our own thoughts, advice, past, previous experiences,
preconceived ideas and perceptions to take a rest.
And to simply be, simply be with another
To listen.
Compliments of James Anthony Ellis (Morning Musings)
'Nuff said ;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
To step aside.
To relax our mind.
To allow our own thoughts, advice, past, previous experiences,
preconceived ideas and perceptions to take a rest.
And to simply be, simply be with another
To listen.
Compliments of James Anthony Ellis (Morning Musings)
'Nuff said ;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Prayer - religious or not?
Saying "prayer" doesn't work is like saying "planning" doesn't work. Sometimes your plans come through and sometimes there are blocks that make the manifestation take longer. In prayer you clear your mind of the past and any negative programming, open up to a power higher than your limited, self-focused ego. You then set the space for an intention that you can release into the universe so it can be made manifest. The key is in the "release" which allows for collective creative powers to take hold and have it manifest at the divine right time, Check it out. It works.
by James Anthony Ellis, Morning Musings
Not everyone believes in this sort of thing, but heck, maybe there's nothing to lose in trying. If "prayer" and "intention" can help us focus on feeling better thoughts and hope, it's gotta be better than sitting in fear, worry and/or hopelessness. Just sayin';)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
by James Anthony Ellis, Morning Musings
Not everyone believes in this sort of thing, but heck, maybe there's nothing to lose in trying. If "prayer" and "intention" can help us focus on feeling better thoughts and hope, it's gotta be better than sitting in fear, worry and/or hopelessness. Just sayin';)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
What is life all about?
In life, we think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem. The real truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together for a time, then they fall back apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that.
Personal discovery and growth come from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.
Suffering comes from wishing things were different. Misery is self inflicted, when we are expecting the "ideal" to overcome the "actual", or needing things (or people, or places) to be different for us so we can then be happy.
Let the hard things in life break you. Let them effect you. Let them change you. Let these hard moments inform you. Let this pain be your teacher. The experiences of your life are trying to tell you something about yourself. Don't cop out on that. Don't run away and hide under your covers. Lean into it.
What is the lesson in this wind? What is this storm trying to tell you? What will you learn if you face it with courage? With full honesty and - lean into it.
by Pema Chodron
If we can see life simply as a series of experiences and learnings, maybe we can let go of the high expectations we place on ourselves and of the inevitable disappointments at our perceived failings and/or lack of accomplishments... releasing the "shoulds" in life could be very freeing. Just sayin';) Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Personal discovery and growth come from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.
Suffering comes from wishing things were different. Misery is self inflicted, when we are expecting the "ideal" to overcome the "actual", or needing things (or people, or places) to be different for us so we can then be happy.
Let the hard things in life break you. Let them effect you. Let them change you. Let these hard moments inform you. Let this pain be your teacher. The experiences of your life are trying to tell you something about yourself. Don't cop out on that. Don't run away and hide under your covers. Lean into it.
What is the lesson in this wind? What is this storm trying to tell you? What will you learn if you face it with courage? With full honesty and - lean into it.
by Pema Chodron
If we can see life simply as a series of experiences and learnings, maybe we can let go of the high expectations we place on ourselves and of the inevitable disappointments at our perceived failings and/or lack of accomplishments... releasing the "shoulds" in life could be very freeing. Just sayin';) Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Monday, January 26, 2015
Weakness vs vulnerability
Are we apprehensive about being completely honest, open and up front in our lives? Do we feel that in so doing, we will expose embarrassing weakness and insecurity? In our culture, the idea of being vulnerable is generally associated with being fearful, anxious and weak. However! vulnerability, if we let it, may allow us to live life as fully as possible, experiencing all of our emotions, all of our thoughts and all of our ideas. If we are willing, we may just find a new lease on life. Here's what they say... :)
In life we build defences against interpersonal pain, separation anxiety and existential fears. When we've been damaged, we tend to create defensive and protective mechanisms and unknowingly end up blocking a lot of our potential. The very defences that once protected us as children, and were appropriate to our emotional survival, can greatly limit our life experience as adults. Allowing vulnerability may actually encourage us to live without defence, or minimal defence, and give us the strength to take chances and go after everything we believe in and deeply desire. Being vulnerable means taking a chance on life and taking chances with people - investing fully in people and investing our trust in others... choosing to adopt and live the philosophy that "it's better to love and lose than to never love at all." According to experts, by leading an open, honest life and taking chances, we're more likely to succeed in meeting our goals anyway. Maybe what we don't realize is that we can afford to love and be rejected. We may be stronger than we give ourselves credit for ;) We may not need to be as guarded because we can survive. We are capable of pursuing our goals, wants, and intentions and we may actually be capable of dealing with any potential consequences on a feeling level... some of which may be frightening and painful, but some of which will surely be joyful and exciting. If we choose to let our guard down, we may find that we cope with life even more effectively. In being vulnerable, we are supposed to ask for what we want clearly and directly and turn to others appropriately, rather than aiming to be completely self-sufficient.. and being generous in response to what others need as well. Being vulnerable means being willing to be hurt by either asking for or giving affection - even though our affections and/or love may not be received well. In summary, vulnerability gives us the gift of owning ourselves and not getting hooked on other people's judgments or attempts to manipulate us. Being vulnerable connects us with others and opens us up to love, joy, creativity and empathy. When we can do all of this, we may see that vulnerability is the opposite of weak because vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage (Excerpts from Creating a More Meaningful Life, by Robert Firestone, Ph.D. and Daring Greatly by Brene Brown). Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
In life we build defences against interpersonal pain, separation anxiety and existential fears. When we've been damaged, we tend to create defensive and protective mechanisms and unknowingly end up blocking a lot of our potential. The very defences that once protected us as children, and were appropriate to our emotional survival, can greatly limit our life experience as adults. Allowing vulnerability may actually encourage us to live without defence, or minimal defence, and give us the strength to take chances and go after everything we believe in and deeply desire. Being vulnerable means taking a chance on life and taking chances with people - investing fully in people and investing our trust in others... choosing to adopt and live the philosophy that "it's better to love and lose than to never love at all." According to experts, by leading an open, honest life and taking chances, we're more likely to succeed in meeting our goals anyway. Maybe what we don't realize is that we can afford to love and be rejected. We may be stronger than we give ourselves credit for ;) We may not need to be as guarded because we can survive. We are capable of pursuing our goals, wants, and intentions and we may actually be capable of dealing with any potential consequences on a feeling level... some of which may be frightening and painful, but some of which will surely be joyful and exciting. If we choose to let our guard down, we may find that we cope with life even more effectively. In being vulnerable, we are supposed to ask for what we want clearly and directly and turn to others appropriately, rather than aiming to be completely self-sufficient.. and being generous in response to what others need as well. Being vulnerable means being willing to be hurt by either asking for or giving affection - even though our affections and/or love may not be received well. In summary, vulnerability gives us the gift of owning ourselves and not getting hooked on other people's judgments or attempts to manipulate us. Being vulnerable connects us with others and opens us up to love, joy, creativity and empathy. When we can do all of this, we may see that vulnerability is the opposite of weak because vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage (Excerpts from Creating a More Meaningful Life, by Robert Firestone, Ph.D. and Daring Greatly by Brene Brown). Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Authenticity and acceptance
Some worthy thoughts for the day....
Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are. (Brene Brown)
Owning our story and loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing we will ever do. (Brene Brown)
The authentic self is a soul made visible. (Sarah Ban Breathnach)
Looks like we have to just accept and be happy with who we've become - the good, the bad and the ugly, Lol;) ... and of course we can always try and do better, if we can manage it. Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are. (Brene Brown)
Owning our story and loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing we will ever do. (Brene Brown)
The authentic self is a soul made visible. (Sarah Ban Breathnach)
Looks like we have to just accept and be happy with who we've become - the good, the bad and the ugly, Lol;) ... and of course we can always try and do better, if we can manage it. Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Saturday, January 24, 2015
The cost of avoidance
Compliments of Morning Musings by James Anthony Ellis
"To avoid is to abandon ... whether it be to a hurt one, an excited one, a friend with a grievance, or our own inner voice. The Moment we choose to avoid and remove our presence from our inner friends, we abandon, we betray, and we lose them."
Food for thought... it's never easy to face the tough stuff in life, but if we're wanting better quality relationships and greater peace, we may benefit from some extra bravery in facing/addressing/confronting ourselves and our loved ones;) Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
"To avoid is to abandon ... whether it be to a hurt one, an excited one, a friend with a grievance, or our own inner voice. The Moment we choose to avoid and remove our presence from our inner friends, we abandon, we betray, and we lose them."
Food for thought... it's never easy to face the tough stuff in life, but if we're wanting better quality relationships and greater peace, we may benefit from some extra bravery in facing/addressing/confronting ourselves and our loved ones;) Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Friday, January 23, 2015
What is the meaning of anger?
Compliments of Morning Musings by James Anthony Ellis
The next time you feel really angry, say this phrase to yourself "What am I needing right now?" Anger is a sign of hopelessness. The mere inquiry into your needs will instantaneously turn you from anger to hope.
Another expert says "someone yelling is the equivalent of a baby crying"....
We can all probably use a little help managing our anger, from time to time, Lol;) Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
The next time you feel really angry, say this phrase to yourself "What am I needing right now?" Anger is a sign of hopelessness. The mere inquiry into your needs will instantaneously turn you from anger to hope.
Another expert says "someone yelling is the equivalent of a baby crying"....
We can all probably use a little help managing our anger, from time to time, Lol;) Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Thursday, January 22, 2015
We always have a choice :)
A wise counsellor offers the following simple, but meaningful advice...
When we find ourselves in a tough spot that just won't go away ... when we find ourselves "having to do the time, we can still choose. We can choose to do hard time or soft time." In these most difficult of times, we may not be in control of our circumstances, but we do have access to the way we respond and manage. Wise counsellor says if we can tell ourselves (and really believe it) that we do have a choice in how we think and behave, we will move through the difficulty with less pain and trauma. Easier said than done I'm sure, but a worthy pursuit. Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
When we find ourselves in a tough spot that just won't go away ... when we find ourselves "having to do the time, we can still choose. We can choose to do hard time or soft time." In these most difficult of times, we may not be in control of our circumstances, but we do have access to the way we respond and manage. Wise counsellor says if we can tell ourselves (and really believe it) that we do have a choice in how we think and behave, we will move through the difficulty with less pain and trauma. Easier said than done I'm sure, but a worthy pursuit. Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Fear of rejection - a universal experience
We all fear rejection and we've all felt it... probably a lot in our lives.
Ultimately, none of us is in control... we only feel what we do in the moment. We do what we do in the moment... we can't help who we fall for and we can't help how we feel.... we can try our damnedest to do the right thing in a given moment, but we're not perfect and we're going to fall or fail or do the wrong thing once in a while... we likely do our best to avoid hurting others, but sometimes we're just at cross purposes with one another.
Some meaningful quotes:
* We all learn lessons in life. Some stick, some don't. I have always learned more from rejection and failure than from acceptance and success (Henry Rollins)
* Sometimes I feel my whole life has been one rejection (Marilyn Monroe)
* Most fears of rejection rest on the desire for approval from other people. Don't base your self-esteem on their opinions (Harvey Mackay)
* A rejection is nothing more than a necessary step in the pursuit of success (Bo Bennett)
* Our human tendency is to be impatient with the person who cannot see the truth that is so plain to us. We must be careful that our impatience is not interpreted as condemnation or rejection (Henry R. Irving)
Most importantly, we must embrace and be kind and forgiving with ourselves. If we can accept who we are, no matter what, without the inner judgmental commentary, maybe we can detach from the pain and hurt feelings in our outer world... and know that it's not always about us... circumstances matter and all any of us can do is our best. Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Ultimately, none of us is in control... we only feel what we do in the moment. We do what we do in the moment... we can't help who we fall for and we can't help how we feel.... we can try our damnedest to do the right thing in a given moment, but we're not perfect and we're going to fall or fail or do the wrong thing once in a while... we likely do our best to avoid hurting others, but sometimes we're just at cross purposes with one another.
Some meaningful quotes:
* We all learn lessons in life. Some stick, some don't. I have always learned more from rejection and failure than from acceptance and success (Henry Rollins)
* Sometimes I feel my whole life has been one rejection (Marilyn Monroe)
* Most fears of rejection rest on the desire for approval from other people. Don't base your self-esteem on their opinions (Harvey Mackay)
* A rejection is nothing more than a necessary step in the pursuit of success (Bo Bennett)
* Our human tendency is to be impatient with the person who cannot see the truth that is so plain to us. We must be careful that our impatience is not interpreted as condemnation or rejection (Henry R. Irving)
Most importantly, we must embrace and be kind and forgiving with ourselves. If we can accept who we are, no matter what, without the inner judgmental commentary, maybe we can detach from the pain and hurt feelings in our outer world... and know that it's not always about us... circumstances matter and all any of us can do is our best. Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Angst - is it us;) Lol
There's a whole lot of angst out there. If we're honest, I think we all feel angst in life - maybe not all the time, but probably more than we'd like to admit. The big question is?? Is this simply the human condition? Or is there something we need to look at? I don't think anyone really likes this idea. It sucks to think we could be responsible for any of the crap in our lives. Most people resist the hell out of the notion and for good reason - there isn't much we can control in life, so how the heck can we be responsible for the s--- that we end up having to deal with??? Seriously, Lol;)?! However! There may be two thoughts on the matter worth considering ...
The Course in Miracles teaches that although we ARE victimized at times in life, if we allow ourselves to settle into that thinking, we will leave ourselves in a position of being unable to change our lives, even when we want to or need to... we can also be at risk for giving away any amount of control or impact that we can have on our lives... and the other thing is... if we can handle the idea of being responsible for our own happiness and fate in life (even in the tiniest of ways), there's some hope that we can start creating some great stuff. If we are not completely fulfilled and if we find ourselves frustrated and lacking in motivation and/or inspiration, we just may benefit from going on an adventure - the adventure of our inner selves... and in simple terms, what we like, what we don't like, what we enjoy doing, what we don't enjoy doing... some of the most impressive careers have originated from people who started out doing something they liked doing or discovered they were good at (i.e. Apple God Steve Jobs to name one!!) ... which also builds our sense of self and level of confidence. (For more on this, check out Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, The Purpose of Your Life, Do What You Love and the Money Will Follow). Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
The Course in Miracles teaches that although we ARE victimized at times in life, if we allow ourselves to settle into that thinking, we will leave ourselves in a position of being unable to change our lives, even when we want to or need to... we can also be at risk for giving away any amount of control or impact that we can have on our lives... and the other thing is... if we can handle the idea of being responsible for our own happiness and fate in life (even in the tiniest of ways), there's some hope that we can start creating some great stuff. If we are not completely fulfilled and if we find ourselves frustrated and lacking in motivation and/or inspiration, we just may benefit from going on an adventure - the adventure of our inner selves... and in simple terms, what we like, what we don't like, what we enjoy doing, what we don't enjoy doing... some of the most impressive careers have originated from people who started out doing something they liked doing or discovered they were good at (i.e. Apple God Steve Jobs to name one!!) ... which also builds our sense of self and level of confidence. (For more on this, check out Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, The Purpose of Your Life, Do What You Love and the Money Will Follow). Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Monday, January 19, 2015
Being human
We all have fears and insecurities. We all want to be liked, loved and appreciated and we're all afraid of rejection. We want to be recognized and accepted for who we are. To be imperfect though, is to be human. Maybe If we can remember this, we'll be more forgiving out there in the real world, Lol;)... especially in the dating arena.
Marni Kinrys talks about the 3 strike rule. We're all a little nervous when we're attracted to someone new and putting ourselves out there. Marni says if we like someone and we're attracted to them, we should allow for some bumbling, mumbling, rambling and incoherency, Lol;) We may not be capable of putting our best foot forward at the beginning because it's kinda stressful... So! Let's be kind to each other and maintain a sense of humour! Have fun and watch each other stumble with amusement and not annoyance, ha ha... and get to know each other a little better before we pass judgment... Just sayin;) Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Marni Kinrys talks about the 3 strike rule. We're all a little nervous when we're attracted to someone new and putting ourselves out there. Marni says if we like someone and we're attracted to them, we should allow for some bumbling, mumbling, rambling and incoherency, Lol;) We may not be capable of putting our best foot forward at the beginning because it's kinda stressful... So! Let's be kind to each other and maintain a sense of humour! Have fun and watch each other stumble with amusement and not annoyance, ha ha... and get to know each other a little better before we pass judgment... Just sayin;) Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Pain and suffering = vulnerability and authenticity?
We wonder why bad things happen and why there is such suffering in the world. Religious, or not, it's hard to understand why abuse, tragedy and horrors are a part of life. How do we cope? Especially when any of these things strike close to home. We search for answers, often without sufficient explanation or comfort. Does anything good come from the trauma's in our lives?
The Art of Happiness offers some solace on this front. A psychiatrist asks the Dalai Lama this question - "Why is there such suffering in the world?"... the response is around us communing with one another. According to experts, without having experienced certain things, we simply wouldn't achieve the same level of meaningful empathy. Sympathy, maybe, but not a true, heart and gut-wrenching understanding of the painful experience someone is having. Can any of us understand the pain of losing a child - unless we're a parent who is coping with such a tragedy?... not likely... We are forever changed by life altering experiences and just maybe we are transformed in a way that allows us greater depth of experience with one another. It's interesting to look back on any of our worst moments in life. Have we come away with anything meaningful? Perhaps, after that painful break up and/or betrayal, we have gained important perspective. A broken heart requires repair and in the healing, it's possible that we re-think our role in the experience. Did we choose the right partner anyway? Were we honouring ourselves in the relationship? With an inner reno, if you will, maybe we realize that we weren't being honest with ourselves, or we weren't communicating very well. Hell, maybe we realize we haven't even been willing to be vulnerable and authentic in the way that the best relationships require... just sayin;) (Ps. therapy isn't for everyone, but there are some great books that can guide us through a worthy post mortem of our love lives, to prevent carnage moving forward. Keeping the Love You Find offers particularly helpful exercises. It's not too painful, Lol;)). Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
The Art of Happiness offers some solace on this front. A psychiatrist asks the Dalai Lama this question - "Why is there such suffering in the world?"... the response is around us communing with one another. According to experts, without having experienced certain things, we simply wouldn't achieve the same level of meaningful empathy. Sympathy, maybe, but not a true, heart and gut-wrenching understanding of the painful experience someone is having. Can any of us understand the pain of losing a child - unless we're a parent who is coping with such a tragedy?... not likely... We are forever changed by life altering experiences and just maybe we are transformed in a way that allows us greater depth of experience with one another. It's interesting to look back on any of our worst moments in life. Have we come away with anything meaningful? Perhaps, after that painful break up and/or betrayal, we have gained important perspective. A broken heart requires repair and in the healing, it's possible that we re-think our role in the experience. Did we choose the right partner anyway? Were we honouring ourselves in the relationship? With an inner reno, if you will, maybe we realize that we weren't being honest with ourselves, or we weren't communicating very well. Hell, maybe we realize we haven't even been willing to be vulnerable and authentic in the way that the best relationships require... just sayin;) (Ps. therapy isn't for everyone, but there are some great books that can guide us through a worthy post mortem of our love lives, to prevent carnage moving forward. Keeping the Love You Find offers particularly helpful exercises. It's not too painful, Lol;)). Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Men and women - let's get on the same side already, Lol;)
Men and women can make beautiful magic together... and YET we can also produce downright nasty, ugly, even violent fireworks. Love and hate so often go hand in hand, no matter how evolved or rational each person may be. How can we cause such polarized emotions in one another? Why is it so difficult to maintain the romance and fun in our cherished relationships and why do we struggle to remain calm and rational with one another when things go sideways?
Well, according to relationship experts we need to learn about one another. Duh, Lol! We all know men and women are different... but do we tend to pay lip service to the notion and then carry on as usual;) We just might, Lol... James Bauer, Allison Armstrong, Kim Sarrasin and Marni Kinrys all tell us similar things - essentially, men and women have different operating systems. Again, we all know this, but it seems that we still manage to complain about the differences and wish the other would just change for crying out loud, ha ha. All of these experts provide detailed guides to understanding the opposite sex and the common theme is how much we misunderstand one another. It may be difficult to believe, but bridging the gap is less intimidating than one may think. For starters, we have to see the opposite sex as an ally, and not a potential frenemy, Lol;) If we were able to understand and accept that we each have our specific tendencies and needs (without judging and feeling annoyed), we may be able to maintain a level playing field and work at accommodating one another better. We need each other, don't we:) We want each other, that's for sure... so maybe we can help each other find that special and intoxicating magic more often. Nothing better than great romance, so maybe it's worth picking up a book from one of these four fabulous experts and learn how to approach each other differently. For example: women, we're supposed to learn to be more approachable in general, be less inclined to be dissatisfied, more tolerant and forthcoming with our wants/needs/desires... and men, you're supposed to bite the bullet a little more often, take a little risk and approach - and maybe ask us what we want and need sometimes... because we can find it difficult to speak up :) .... Ladies and gentlemen... we need to love and accept each other, unconditionally, for who we naturally are ... Just sayin;) Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Well, according to relationship experts we need to learn about one another. Duh, Lol! We all know men and women are different... but do we tend to pay lip service to the notion and then carry on as usual;) We just might, Lol... James Bauer, Allison Armstrong, Kim Sarrasin and Marni Kinrys all tell us similar things - essentially, men and women have different operating systems. Again, we all know this, but it seems that we still manage to complain about the differences and wish the other would just change for crying out loud, ha ha. All of these experts provide detailed guides to understanding the opposite sex and the common theme is how much we misunderstand one another. It may be difficult to believe, but bridging the gap is less intimidating than one may think. For starters, we have to see the opposite sex as an ally, and not a potential frenemy, Lol;) If we were able to understand and accept that we each have our specific tendencies and needs (without judging and feeling annoyed), we may be able to maintain a level playing field and work at accommodating one another better. We need each other, don't we:) We want each other, that's for sure... so maybe we can help each other find that special and intoxicating magic more often. Nothing better than great romance, so maybe it's worth picking up a book from one of these four fabulous experts and learn how to approach each other differently. For example: women, we're supposed to learn to be more approachable in general, be less inclined to be dissatisfied, more tolerant and forthcoming with our wants/needs/desires... and men, you're supposed to bite the bullet a little more often, take a little risk and approach - and maybe ask us what we want and need sometimes... because we can find it difficult to speak up :) .... Ladies and gentlemen... we need to love and accept each other, unconditionally, for who we naturally are ... Just sayin;) Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Friday, January 16, 2015
What women don't know about men is a lot... Lol;)
Men, this post is dedicated to you. We love you. We need to appreciate and understand you better. My deepest apologies for us women who have not somehow learned to be with you in a more warm, loving, accepting and grateful way.
Fellow women, we misunderstand our lovely men. I implore us to get curious and have the life altering epiphany that allows men to be the hardwired beings that they are. It is very likely that if we can achieve this, our men will shower us back with love, affection, appreciation and undying commitment.
Ladies, let's educate ourselves.... refer to the following relationship guru's.... download or scour any of their websites and I promise you will not be disappointed. James Bauer, Allison Armstrong, Marni Kinrys and Kim Sarrasin all offer extremely valuable insight into the challenges we all face in relating with the opposite sex:)
Men, may you be equally curious and meet us half way... Just sayin;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Fellow women, we misunderstand our lovely men. I implore us to get curious and have the life altering epiphany that allows men to be the hardwired beings that they are. It is very likely that if we can achieve this, our men will shower us back with love, affection, appreciation and undying commitment.
Ladies, let's educate ourselves.... refer to the following relationship guru's.... download or scour any of their websites and I promise you will not be disappointed. James Bauer, Allison Armstrong, Marni Kinrys and Kim Sarrasin all offer extremely valuable insight into the challenges we all face in relating with the opposite sex:)
Men, may you be equally curious and meet us half way... Just sayin;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Men and women - how we inadvertently hurt each other
There's no way around it - the sexes are just plain different... and if we continue to be frustrated with each other, we may be missing out on the best that life has to offer. Relationship experts implore us to be more open minded and accept, with grace, our differences. It's like learning the rules of a game before playing. We know we have to work within the system of the game because that's how games work. Maybe we can apply the same principle with the other sex... learn how they work, and play within those rules;) .... check this out...
According to experts, often when women cry, it's because they feel unloved. When men feel angry or irritated, it's often because they feel disrespected (and if our men are feeling disrespected, they're most certainly feeling unloved as well). Our men want to be powerful and effective for us (right men?). We need to believe in our men and trust in their decisions... it's a respect thing... everyone loves compliments and if we can keep this in mind when communicating with our men, life will be a whooooole lot better;) After all, nobody responds well to the beat down right... so ladies, we may need to find nicer ways of communicating with our men.. and they will give back to us ten fold, for sure!! If our man is feeling appreciated and happy, he will likely feel better about investing in us and in the relationship. Men, believe it or not, the emotional thing... us mere mortal women - we pretty much can't help it... if you watch the Oscars or Golden Globes, the men calmly present their thank you's and gratitudes, while women overflow, gush and usually cry involuntarily. 'Nuff said, Lol;) ... women feel first and then work on finding the thoughts that go along with those feelings. (For more detail on how men and women "operate" differently, google any or all of the following relationship experts; James Bauer, Allison Armstrong, Kim Sarrasin, Marni Kinrys).
Blessings,
Chatgirl
According to experts, often when women cry, it's because they feel unloved. When men feel angry or irritated, it's often because they feel disrespected (and if our men are feeling disrespected, they're most certainly feeling unloved as well). Our men want to be powerful and effective for us (right men?). We need to believe in our men and trust in their decisions... it's a respect thing... everyone loves compliments and if we can keep this in mind when communicating with our men, life will be a whooooole lot better;) After all, nobody responds well to the beat down right... so ladies, we may need to find nicer ways of communicating with our men.. and they will give back to us ten fold, for sure!! If our man is feeling appreciated and happy, he will likely feel better about investing in us and in the relationship. Men, believe it or not, the emotional thing... us mere mortal women - we pretty much can't help it... if you watch the Oscars or Golden Globes, the men calmly present their thank you's and gratitudes, while women overflow, gush and usually cry involuntarily. 'Nuff said, Lol;) ... women feel first and then work on finding the thoughts that go along with those feelings. (For more detail on how men and women "operate" differently, google any or all of the following relationship experts; James Bauer, Allison Armstrong, Kim Sarrasin, Marni Kinrys).
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
The importance of friendship
Personally, I think friends are the new family, Lol;) ... no disrespect towards our families... it's just that friends, like family, are in a category of their own.. am I right:)?
Friendships provide us with affection, sympathy, empathy, honesty, altruism, mutual understanding and compassion, enjoyment of each other's company, trust, and the ability to be oneself, express one's feelings, and make mistakes without fear of judgment. In adolescence, friendships are often the most important relationships in our lives and the absence of friends can be emotionally damaging. Conventional wisdom suggests that good friendships enhance an individual's sense of happiness and overall well-being. Conversely, loneliness and a lack of social support has been linked to an increased risk of heart disease, viral infections, cancer and mortality rates. Experts say that good friends encourage each other to lead healthier lifestyles, encourage each other to seek help and services when needed and enhance coping skills in dealing with issues. In summary, having good friends actually affects our overall psychological and physiological health and well-being.
Quotes from some of the greats:
A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become and still, gently allows you to grow. (William Shakespeare)
Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. (Oprah Winfrey).
It's the friends you can call up at 4 am that matter. (Marlene Dietrich).
My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me. (Henry Ford).
Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything. (Muhammad Ali).
Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over. (Octavia Butler).
There is a magnet in your heart that will attract true friends. That magnet is unselfishness, thinking of others first; when you learn to live for others, they will live for you. (Paramahansa Yogananda)
Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes. (Friedrich Nietzsche)
Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival. (C.S. Lewis).
I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff. (Jon Katz)
Friends make the world a better place. Let's spoil the shit out of our friends and live happier lives. Just sayin;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Friendships provide us with affection, sympathy, empathy, honesty, altruism, mutual understanding and compassion, enjoyment of each other's company, trust, and the ability to be oneself, express one's feelings, and make mistakes without fear of judgment. In adolescence, friendships are often the most important relationships in our lives and the absence of friends can be emotionally damaging. Conventional wisdom suggests that good friendships enhance an individual's sense of happiness and overall well-being. Conversely, loneliness and a lack of social support has been linked to an increased risk of heart disease, viral infections, cancer and mortality rates. Experts say that good friends encourage each other to lead healthier lifestyles, encourage each other to seek help and services when needed and enhance coping skills in dealing with issues. In summary, having good friends actually affects our overall psychological and physiological health and well-being.
Quotes from some of the greats:
A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become and still, gently allows you to grow. (William Shakespeare)
Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. (Oprah Winfrey).
It's the friends you can call up at 4 am that matter. (Marlene Dietrich).
My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me. (Henry Ford).
Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything. (Muhammad Ali).
Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over. (Octavia Butler).
There is a magnet in your heart that will attract true friends. That magnet is unselfishness, thinking of others first; when you learn to live for others, they will live for you. (Paramahansa Yogananda)
Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes. (Friedrich Nietzsche)
Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival. (C.S. Lewis).
I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff. (Jon Katz)
Friends make the world a better place. Let's spoil the shit out of our friends and live happier lives. Just sayin;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
The gift of unconditional love... to ourselves most of all
Do we know what love is?... If we do, we've probably had really nice parents, or some wonderful extended family and/or siblings. Therapists will tell us that most people don't actually know what love is because we didn't really grow up with it. Awww... how sad is that! We had to behave in a certain way, in order to gain approval from our parents/coaches/teachers :( Hopefully we've figured out along the way that the best kind of love is unconditional. Unconditional love is infinite and measureless and is "given freely" to another, no matter what. Unconditional love is affection without any limitations or conditions. Unconditional love knows no bounds and is unchanging. When we love unconditionally, we want to increase the welfare of another, despite any benefit for ourself. Most importantly, unconditional love separates someone from their actions and is an act of our feelings, regardless of our will.
By darker contrast, with conditional love, the love is "earned" on the basis of conscious or unconscious conditions being met by another. Conditional love is based on some kind of finite exchange. So, yeah, not the good kind, right, Lol;)
According to wikihow, here are 6 steps to loving unconditionally:
* We can think of love as an action, not a feeling - an act of generosity if you will. Focusing on our actions as the love itself, the reward can become the feeling we get when we act in a certain way (which is something within our grasp:))
* We can ask ourselves, what is the most important thing I can do for this particular person in this particular moment? Unconditional love is a new decision we need to make in every situation because what benefits one person, may not benefit another.
* We can remember that love doesn't necessarily mean ensuring someone's comfort. In order for us all to grow, love may mean fostering someone's growth with potentially painful or uncomfortable truths.
* We can remember to give unconditional love to ourselves as well:) We want to avoid becoming people pleasers. Sometimes doing what is best for ourselves may be out of sync with another and that needs to be ok, so that we're ok.
* Forgiveness! Even if someone doesn't apologize, it is inherently loving to both the other person and ourselves to let go of our anger and resentment toward them... maybe it's helpful to think of forgiving as something we are, rather than something we need to do... but let's not let people walk all over us either;)
* We can allow ourselves to reap the benefits. Being unconditionally loving should allow us to feel energized and liberated, rather than drained and burdened. Apparently, the more energized and liberated we feel in our lives, the more unconditionally loving we're probably being.
Of all aspirations in life, unconditional love seems like a particularly noble pursuit. Hopefully we've all felt how nice it is to be loved and accepted unconditionally... let us allow more of this great experience into our lives... even if we're the ones who have to take the lead:) Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
By darker contrast, with conditional love, the love is "earned" on the basis of conscious or unconscious conditions being met by another. Conditional love is based on some kind of finite exchange. So, yeah, not the good kind, right, Lol;)
According to wikihow, here are 6 steps to loving unconditionally:
* We can think of love as an action, not a feeling - an act of generosity if you will. Focusing on our actions as the love itself, the reward can become the feeling we get when we act in a certain way (which is something within our grasp:))
* We can ask ourselves, what is the most important thing I can do for this particular person in this particular moment? Unconditional love is a new decision we need to make in every situation because what benefits one person, may not benefit another.
* We can remember that love doesn't necessarily mean ensuring someone's comfort. In order for us all to grow, love may mean fostering someone's growth with potentially painful or uncomfortable truths.
* We can remember to give unconditional love to ourselves as well:) We want to avoid becoming people pleasers. Sometimes doing what is best for ourselves may be out of sync with another and that needs to be ok, so that we're ok.
* Forgiveness! Even if someone doesn't apologize, it is inherently loving to both the other person and ourselves to let go of our anger and resentment toward them... maybe it's helpful to think of forgiving as something we are, rather than something we need to do... but let's not let people walk all over us either;)
* We can allow ourselves to reap the benefits. Being unconditionally loving should allow us to feel energized and liberated, rather than drained and burdened. Apparently, the more energized and liberated we feel in our lives, the more unconditionally loving we're probably being.
Of all aspirations in life, unconditional love seems like a particularly noble pursuit. Hopefully we've all felt how nice it is to be loved and accepted unconditionally... let us allow more of this great experience into our lives... even if we're the ones who have to take the lead:) Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Monday, January 12, 2015
Emotional Courage
We all know that life is a mixed bag. No matter how much we learn or experience, life continues to both delight and challenge us. Does it get any easier to deal with the tough stuff? Unfortunately, it does not seem so :( ... but we can certainly work to achieve a healthier mindset and deeper strength of character from which to draw. Rebecca Rafael, a savvy Vancouver therapist, talks about the importance of cultivating emotional courage so that we may achieve peace in our lives and authentic confidence in ourselves.
Emotional courage is being open to feeling the full spectrum of emotional experience, both positive and negative. Our emotions are an evolutionary adaptation to help support our survival and according to Elie Weisel, "The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference." Unfortunately, we cannot have only positive emotions, but we can choose our attentional focus. We can take our attention away from fear and focus instead on experiences associated with joy or "flow" to create renewed energy in our lives. Shifting our focus to gratitude may be one of the easiest ways to diminish fears that may result in "worry". Feelings come into play when our emotions cross the threshold from unconscious to conscious awareness and we seek to understand, label, express, suppress and/or make choices based on those emotions. According to lionswhiskers.com we need to be willing to be vulnerable, truthful, and aware of the conscious experience of our core emotions, which we think about and express as feelings. When we choose to ignore, suppress, or deny our emotions, we risk a loss of insight, which may lead to faulty decision-making and compromise our health and well being. Emotional courage means loving ourselves, being proud of ourselves and believing that we are worthy of love and happiness - essentially we should be striving for self-realization, self-acceptance and personal fulfillment. Emotional courage requires that we dig around a little and uproot the tangible and intangible sources of fear that cause us anxiety, worry, sorrow and depression and poison our ability to experience joy. In summary, emotional courage is achieving unconditional happiness within ourselves and with our lives.
Emotional courage looks like:
* Forgiving someone you love
* Laughing so hard you cry
* Expressing gratitude
* Crying without embarrassment
* Helping a stranger who is in distress
* Maintaining eye contact and smiling
* Public displays of affection
* Working as a healing professional
* Confronting a family member who is living in an unhealthy way
Lack of emotional courage looks like:
* Looking away and avoiding eye contact
* Walking away from an emotional situation
* Covering up or suppressing an emotional response
* Dismissing someone else's emotional response
* Begrudging someone else's success or happiness
* Embracing the victim role
* Numbing feelings through overuse of drugs, alcohol etc.
* Losing one's temper and lashing out at others
* Blaming others
* Avoiding self-reflection, even after a loved one expresses concern
* Never being willing to be alone
* Checking out of one's life through excessive TV watching, shopping etc.
Emotional courage sounds like:
* I can do it
* I love_____ about you
* Thank you
* I'm angry right now, but I know it won't last forever
* I can see you're angry with me right now and that's ok
* I'm good at_____
* I feel______
* I love you
* Are you okay? Would you like to talk?
* Let me help you
* I am worthy of love
Lack of emotional courage sounds like:
* I don't like talking about my feelings
* Boys don't cry
* I never get angry
* I'm bored
* Get over it
* You're fine
* Grow up
* Don't be sad. I hate it when you're sad
* I can't
* I won't talk until you control yourself
* You're getting carried away again as usual
* Why do good things always happen to other people
* It'll just make me feel worse to talk about it and I don't want to feel that
Given that we all know tough times are inevitable, maybe it would be cool to allow for it... expect and prepare for the challenges to come.... and train as though we were training for a marathon.. and look at some of these statements once in a while... so that when the wave crashes, we can know that we've thought ahead and we will tell ourselves that we will find a way through, we will survive and we will decide to be the better for it.. and maybe find the people we love, tell them we love them and tell ourselves that we are ok no matter what.. and that something great is bound to be next:) Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Emotional courage is being open to feeling the full spectrum of emotional experience, both positive and negative. Our emotions are an evolutionary adaptation to help support our survival and according to Elie Weisel, "The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference." Unfortunately, we cannot have only positive emotions, but we can choose our attentional focus. We can take our attention away from fear and focus instead on experiences associated with joy or "flow" to create renewed energy in our lives. Shifting our focus to gratitude may be one of the easiest ways to diminish fears that may result in "worry". Feelings come into play when our emotions cross the threshold from unconscious to conscious awareness and we seek to understand, label, express, suppress and/or make choices based on those emotions. According to lionswhiskers.com we need to be willing to be vulnerable, truthful, and aware of the conscious experience of our core emotions, which we think about and express as feelings. When we choose to ignore, suppress, or deny our emotions, we risk a loss of insight, which may lead to faulty decision-making and compromise our health and well being. Emotional courage means loving ourselves, being proud of ourselves and believing that we are worthy of love and happiness - essentially we should be striving for self-realization, self-acceptance and personal fulfillment. Emotional courage requires that we dig around a little and uproot the tangible and intangible sources of fear that cause us anxiety, worry, sorrow and depression and poison our ability to experience joy. In summary, emotional courage is achieving unconditional happiness within ourselves and with our lives.
Emotional courage looks like:
* Forgiving someone you love
* Laughing so hard you cry
* Expressing gratitude
* Crying without embarrassment
* Helping a stranger who is in distress
* Maintaining eye contact and smiling
* Public displays of affection
* Working as a healing professional
* Confronting a family member who is living in an unhealthy way
Lack of emotional courage looks like:
* Looking away and avoiding eye contact
* Walking away from an emotional situation
* Covering up or suppressing an emotional response
* Dismissing someone else's emotional response
* Begrudging someone else's success or happiness
* Embracing the victim role
* Numbing feelings through overuse of drugs, alcohol etc.
* Losing one's temper and lashing out at others
* Blaming others
* Avoiding self-reflection, even after a loved one expresses concern
* Never being willing to be alone
* Checking out of one's life through excessive TV watching, shopping etc.
Emotional courage sounds like:
* I can do it
* I love_____ about you
* Thank you
* I'm angry right now, but I know it won't last forever
* I can see you're angry with me right now and that's ok
* I'm good at_____
* I feel______
* I love you
* Are you okay? Would you like to talk?
* Let me help you
* I am worthy of love
Lack of emotional courage sounds like:
* I don't like talking about my feelings
* Boys don't cry
* I never get angry
* I'm bored
* Get over it
* You're fine
* Grow up
* Don't be sad. I hate it when you're sad
* I can't
* I won't talk until you control yourself
* You're getting carried away again as usual
* Why do good things always happen to other people
* It'll just make me feel worse to talk about it and I don't want to feel that
Given that we all know tough times are inevitable, maybe it would be cool to allow for it... expect and prepare for the challenges to come.... and train as though we were training for a marathon.. and look at some of these statements once in a while... so that when the wave crashes, we can know that we've thought ahead and we will tell ourselves that we will find a way through, we will survive and we will decide to be the better for it.. and maybe find the people we love, tell them we love them and tell ourselves that we are ok no matter what.. and that something great is bound to be next:) Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Sunday, January 11, 2015
The courage of our convictions and/or mental freedom?
What do we want and what would make us truly happy? What are we worth, what do we demand for ourselves - and what would it take to achieve this level of happiness anyway? Are our wants realistic and meaningful, aside from the usual things like creature comforts and not having to work, unless we want to. Or do we just give up? Is it easier to fill life up, just going through the motions, eating, drinking, smoking, reading romance novels, gossiping, Lol;) (because it's certainly easier to have a commentary on what others are doing or not going, rather than making real and scary changes in our own lives)? Do we have the courage to define our deepest heart-felt wants? Have we determined our purpose, or at least some purpose that makes us feel worthwhile?....
The good news is, it may be less daunting than all that. For those who are not spiritual and who don't find great value in self-help, or anything of the like... it's surprising how comforting some of these teachings can be. The Power of Now allows us to just do in the moment, be in the moment and let the rest take care of itself:) How great does it feel to be let off the hook in that way... The Abundance Book talks about trusting and believing that if we focus on things that we want and that make us happy, we can relax and let life take it's course. In fact, many inventors credit mindless tasks for giving them the mental freedom that "allowed" their most profound ideas. The one common thread is some form of self-reflection... so, if we want a better life, we probably do have to think about who we are, what we want, what makes us happy ... and follow the bread crumbs. Just might be do-able;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
The good news is, it may be less daunting than all that. For those who are not spiritual and who don't find great value in self-help, or anything of the like... it's surprising how comforting some of these teachings can be. The Power of Now allows us to just do in the moment, be in the moment and let the rest take care of itself:) How great does it feel to be let off the hook in that way... The Abundance Book talks about trusting and believing that if we focus on things that we want and that make us happy, we can relax and let life take it's course. In fact, many inventors credit mindless tasks for giving them the mental freedom that "allowed" their most profound ideas. The one common thread is some form of self-reflection... so, if we want a better life, we probably do have to think about who we are, what we want, what makes us happy ... and follow the bread crumbs. Just might be do-able;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Saturday, January 10, 2015
The Art of Living - ancient philosophy still stands
Beauty in The Art of Living by Epictetus and Sharon Lebell
Epictetus was an ancient Stoic philosopher, who was born a slave in A.D 55. This early genius, recognized as a brilliant philosophical mind of his time, was eventually freed to bring great value that still stands today. Epictetus believed the primary job of philosophy is to help us ordinary mortals meet the everyday challenges of daily life, and to help us deal with life's inevitable major losses, disappointments and grief. He was arguably the West's first and best guide to living the most peaceful life possible.
The Serenity Prayer is in keeping with Epictetus' teachings...
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference"
Epictetus believed we need to bring our actions and desires into harmony in order to achieve inner serenity and thus personal freedom. His prescription for the good life was simple - master our desires, perform our necessary duties and think clearly about ourselves and our relations within our larger community. He viewed professional achievement, wealth, power and fame as incidental and irrelevant to true happiness - instead, he placed importance on what sort of person we are becoming and what sort of life we're living. So! What is in our control; our own opinions, aspirations, desires and the things that repel us. These things are in our control because we always have a choice about the contents and character of our inner lives. Outside of our control are what kind of body we have, the family and status we're born into and how we are regarded by others. If we attempt to control the actions of others, our pursuits will be thwarted and we will likely become frustrated, anxious and fault-finding. By contrast, if we know and attend to what actually concerns us, we cannot be made to do anything against our will, and should thereby avoid much hurt and suffering. So! Most importantly, we should train ourselves to no longer worry about the things that are outside of our control.
One last, important thing... we tend to focus on either getting what we desire or avoiding what repels us.... Epictetus would advise that we focus only on what we can control, that we rein in our desires and focus on things worthy of our desire, that we can control... and do so with grace, finesse and flexibility... because ultimately people will always be just what they are, and not what we wish them to be. Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Epictetus was an ancient Stoic philosopher, who was born a slave in A.D 55. This early genius, recognized as a brilliant philosophical mind of his time, was eventually freed to bring great value that still stands today. Epictetus believed the primary job of philosophy is to help us ordinary mortals meet the everyday challenges of daily life, and to help us deal with life's inevitable major losses, disappointments and grief. He was arguably the West's first and best guide to living the most peaceful life possible.
The Serenity Prayer is in keeping with Epictetus' teachings...
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference"
Epictetus believed we need to bring our actions and desires into harmony in order to achieve inner serenity and thus personal freedom. His prescription for the good life was simple - master our desires, perform our necessary duties and think clearly about ourselves and our relations within our larger community. He viewed professional achievement, wealth, power and fame as incidental and irrelevant to true happiness - instead, he placed importance on what sort of person we are becoming and what sort of life we're living. So! What is in our control; our own opinions, aspirations, desires and the things that repel us. These things are in our control because we always have a choice about the contents and character of our inner lives. Outside of our control are what kind of body we have, the family and status we're born into and how we are regarded by others. If we attempt to control the actions of others, our pursuits will be thwarted and we will likely become frustrated, anxious and fault-finding. By contrast, if we know and attend to what actually concerns us, we cannot be made to do anything against our will, and should thereby avoid much hurt and suffering. So! Most importantly, we should train ourselves to no longer worry about the things that are outside of our control.
One last, important thing... we tend to focus on either getting what we desire or avoiding what repels us.... Epictetus would advise that we focus only on what we can control, that we rein in our desires and focus on things worthy of our desire, that we can control... and do so with grace, finesse and flexibility... because ultimately people will always be just what they are, and not what we wish them to be. Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Friday, January 9, 2015
Less is more...
A wise person offers...
Have something to love, something to do and something to look forward to.
If life isn't working, look at one or all of these things..
(Compliments of a psychiatrist).
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Have something to love, something to do and something to look forward to.
If life isn't working, look at one or all of these things..
(Compliments of a psychiatrist).
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Covert opps - facing our most troublesome unmet needs
Are we ever truly free of our childhood and whatever family drama we were exposed to (and maybe continue to endure)? Even if we had a decent, good or great childhood, everyone comes away with some baggage. Interestingly, many people think it's completely pointless to revisit whatever trauma's we faced in our formative years. There is, however, a heck of a lot of evidence to challenge our avoidance of these profound moments of impact. The downside of looking at this "stuff" - well, it sucks, Lol;). There ain't nothin' fun about excavating trauma... The upside - we may actually grow up in a way we never knew possible, and stop putting our "stuff" onto our relationships... and we may end up more fulfilled in and of ourselves and enjoying better relationships than we could ever have imagined. So if we're interested in the upside and we're brave enough to go to the dark side for a bit - what do we do?
This is pretty heavy stuff and certainly not for the feint of heart. But if our relationships are troubled as a rule, or if we're on anti-depressants, Lol, maybe it's worth at least looking at. According to The Truth Will Set You Free by Alice Miller, it is mandatory that we look at how we were parented... not to lay blame, punish or hold a lifetime grudge over our parents, but to set ourselves free. According to Miller, we are shaped so profoundly by the way our parents "managed" us, that we carry on as adults with deeply rooted unmet needs. On some level, we remain that needy child, who took on the responsibility of trying to care take and please our parents. The only hope we had of being loved and cared for as children was to make sure our parents were happy ... and unless we go back and look at what was lacking for us, we will put our needs onto others. Supposedly we have to be honest and acknowledge what we needed and wanted and didn't get growing up. Once we do this, we will no longer look to our own children or significant other to make up for what we didn't get as children. Miller feels strongly that meditation, forgiveness and the like will not be sufficient in aiding our healing, unless we address our unmet needs first. This is no easy task and takes a hell of a lot of courage.... but the upside could be the proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow:)! Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
This is pretty heavy stuff and certainly not for the feint of heart. But if our relationships are troubled as a rule, or if we're on anti-depressants, Lol, maybe it's worth at least looking at. According to The Truth Will Set You Free by Alice Miller, it is mandatory that we look at how we were parented... not to lay blame, punish or hold a lifetime grudge over our parents, but to set ourselves free. According to Miller, we are shaped so profoundly by the way our parents "managed" us, that we carry on as adults with deeply rooted unmet needs. On some level, we remain that needy child, who took on the responsibility of trying to care take and please our parents. The only hope we had of being loved and cared for as children was to make sure our parents were happy ... and unless we go back and look at what was lacking for us, we will put our needs onto others. Supposedly we have to be honest and acknowledge what we needed and wanted and didn't get growing up. Once we do this, we will no longer look to our own children or significant other to make up for what we didn't get as children. Miller feels strongly that meditation, forgiveness and the like will not be sufficient in aiding our healing, unless we address our unmet needs first. This is no easy task and takes a hell of a lot of courage.... but the upside could be the proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow:)! Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Comic relief - nothing better than a good gut laugh;)
Enjoy! :)
Let's find reasons to laugh this year. They say it's really good for our health;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
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Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Divorce and the cohabitation effect
Where do we stand on living together these days? Are we opting for that trial run, or are we deciding it's better to make the commitment up front and head to the alter first? It's totally understandable to wanna test drive the day-to-day business of sharing a life together, but apparently, living together first does not guarantee a successful marriage down the road. Why is that??
Whether we're living together or going straight to marriage, the divorce rate continues to hover around the 50 % mark; 48% in Canada, 53 % in the US and as high as 71% in Belgium. Younger generations have opted to live together for a number of reasons, but often in the hopes of giving the relationship a trial run before marriage. Interestingly, the average age of divorce is 44 for men and 41 for women. In 1960 450,000 unmarried couples lived together and now the number is 7.5 million... and yet we're heading to divorce quicker and quicker, potentially younger and younger. So, statistics aside, why aren't we figuring things out a little better? According to Meg Jay, New York Times, we're not really communicating, Lol;) Couples often "slide" into cohabitation, rather than deciding on a committed move forward. One person may see moving in as a step toward marriage, where the other may see it either as a trial run or a way to push commitment further away. When couples start enjoying a lot of sleep overs, they may decide that it's both convenient and cost effective to share expenses... unfortunately breaking up can become very difficult - marriage or no marriage. There's nothing fun about dividing the shared possessions and mutual friends and then there are the hefty start up costs for a new place. Not enjoyable at all and so many people stay in troubled relationships, or stay too long because it's so unpleasant turning everything upside down. According to experts, we need to have a discussion up front. Not easy ... but maybe it's easier, and less costly overall, to have that awkward conversation at the beginning, rather than find our partner is not and was not thinking commitment. Apparently, if both people choose to live together, with long-term commitment in mind, the odds of success are high... but we all know how difficult these types of conversations are. Maybe we're afraid we're pushing the issue and that the other person will cut and run? Maybe we think the other person deserves a trial run and we can make things so great that we'll be loveable enough for the person to wanna stay;) Awww... ! Maybe we need to have more faith and love for ourselves. Maybe we need to know that we're a catch and that the right person would be totally cool with a conversation about the future... and if our person isn't cool with it, maybe we should be cutting and running ourselves, Lol;). Just sayin;) ... not easy to communicate, but it sure seems like we need to learn how if we're going to be happy in our relationships... and not waste a lot of time on the wrong ones. Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl.
Whether we're living together or going straight to marriage, the divorce rate continues to hover around the 50 % mark; 48% in Canada, 53 % in the US and as high as 71% in Belgium. Younger generations have opted to live together for a number of reasons, but often in the hopes of giving the relationship a trial run before marriage. Interestingly, the average age of divorce is 44 for men and 41 for women. In 1960 450,000 unmarried couples lived together and now the number is 7.5 million... and yet we're heading to divorce quicker and quicker, potentially younger and younger. So, statistics aside, why aren't we figuring things out a little better? According to Meg Jay, New York Times, we're not really communicating, Lol;) Couples often "slide" into cohabitation, rather than deciding on a committed move forward. One person may see moving in as a step toward marriage, where the other may see it either as a trial run or a way to push commitment further away. When couples start enjoying a lot of sleep overs, they may decide that it's both convenient and cost effective to share expenses... unfortunately breaking up can become very difficult - marriage or no marriage. There's nothing fun about dividing the shared possessions and mutual friends and then there are the hefty start up costs for a new place. Not enjoyable at all and so many people stay in troubled relationships, or stay too long because it's so unpleasant turning everything upside down. According to experts, we need to have a discussion up front. Not easy ... but maybe it's easier, and less costly overall, to have that awkward conversation at the beginning, rather than find our partner is not and was not thinking commitment. Apparently, if both people choose to live together, with long-term commitment in mind, the odds of success are high... but we all know how difficult these types of conversations are. Maybe we're afraid we're pushing the issue and that the other person will cut and run? Maybe we think the other person deserves a trial run and we can make things so great that we'll be loveable enough for the person to wanna stay;) Awww... ! Maybe we need to have more faith and love for ourselves. Maybe we need to know that we're a catch and that the right person would be totally cool with a conversation about the future... and if our person isn't cool with it, maybe we should be cutting and running ourselves, Lol;). Just sayin;) ... not easy to communicate, but it sure seems like we need to learn how if we're going to be happy in our relationships... and not waste a lot of time on the wrong ones. Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl.
Monday, January 5, 2015
Passion - the secret to a joyful life worth living
Hats off to this new year and the worthy pursuit of our most personal, passionate pursuits.... (if we so choose of course;)).
Some inspirational quotes:
* Often people attempt to live their lives backwards. They try to acquire more things, more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. We must first be who we really are, then do what we need to do, in order to have what we want.
* The heart to human excellence often begins to beat when we discover a pursuit that absorbs us, frees us, challenges us, and gives us a sense of meaning, joy and passion.
* Our work is to discover our work and then, with all our hearts, give ourselves to it.
* A writer writes. If one wants to be a writer, one must write. This concept can be universally applied.
* Everything worthwhile in life is work. But if it puts a smile on our face, it doesn't feel like work.
* Hard work becomes easy when our work becomes our play. Never underestimate the value of loving what you do (The 4-Hour Workweek).
(compliments of Angel Chernoff)
If we feel good and we're truly happy, does anything else really matter... Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Some inspirational quotes:
* Often people attempt to live their lives backwards. They try to acquire more things, more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. We must first be who we really are, then do what we need to do, in order to have what we want.
* The heart to human excellence often begins to beat when we discover a pursuit that absorbs us, frees us, challenges us, and gives us a sense of meaning, joy and passion.
* Our work is to discover our work and then, with all our hearts, give ourselves to it.
* A writer writes. If one wants to be a writer, one must write. This concept can be universally applied.
* Everything worthwhile in life is work. But if it puts a smile on our face, it doesn't feel like work.
* Hard work becomes easy when our work becomes our play. Never underestimate the value of loving what you do (The 4-Hour Workweek).
(compliments of Angel Chernoff)
If we feel good and we're truly happy, does anything else really matter... Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Love or something else?
What are we striving for in life? Money? Freedom? Sure;) No question, creature comforts, luxury, adventure, beautiful things, free time, travel etc. can all be very alluring, fulfilling and meaningful. At the end of the day though, we need more, right? How we feel is the core driver in our lives and the people around us have a significant impact on our world and how we feel about ourselves. Are we caring for ourselves well? Are our loved ones caring for us in a fulfilling way? Are we caring for them in the way that they need? Are we truly fulfilled? Most healing professionals will say that we are responsible for the state of our lives and relationships - that we have to take care of our own needs first and then be willing and able to ask for what we require in our relationships. (... and of course we have to begin with a mutually loving relationship). This is so much easier said than done... but if we decide to choose fulfilling love, life could be pretty sweet.... if we believe in such sentiments as these:
* A person who loves you truly will never let you go whatever the situation is.
* Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you' Erich Fromm
* Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet and understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.
* Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own.
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
* The first duty of love is to listen.
Paul Tillich
* Love is a force more formidable than any other. It is invisible - it cannot be seen or measured, yet it is powerful enough to transform you in a moment, and offer you more joy than any material possession could.
Barbara de Angelis
Is it just me, or does it feel good to wade in such sentiments;) ? ... As much as we are able, let us follow our hearts this year... toward all the warmth and goodness we can grab ahold of.... and believe in love, no matter what. (For tips on loving in a promising and meaningful way, check out The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman). Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
* A person who loves you truly will never let you go whatever the situation is.
* Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you' Erich Fromm
* Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet and understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.
* Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own.
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
* The first duty of love is to listen.
Paul Tillich
* Love is a force more formidable than any other. It is invisible - it cannot be seen or measured, yet it is powerful enough to transform you in a moment, and offer you more joy than any material possession could.
Barbara de Angelis
Is it just me, or does it feel good to wade in such sentiments;) ? ... As much as we are able, let us follow our hearts this year... toward all the warmth and goodness we can grab ahold of.... and believe in love, no matter what. (For tips on loving in a promising and meaningful way, check out The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman). Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Friday, January 2, 2015
Moving forward after loss....
The loss of a loved one (through death or a break up) sends us into grieving, whether we like it or not. Not much seems to help at a time like this, but healing meditations are said to create positive and healthy changes in our lives, aid us on our journey, comfort us, inspire us and give us hope for a brighter future. Choosing meditations that speak to us can help rebuild our self-confidence, and help us learn to love both ourselves and our lives again. Looking after ourselves mentally and practicing self-love is an often overlooked part of overcoming grief and loss, and maintaining our physical health. (Ps. grieving experts also make note of losses that we may not think of as life altering - loss of a job or pet, hair loss, stages of aging, a friend moving away, serious injury that limits our activities etc.).
In honour of those lost, but not forgotten...
It's OK to cry. Crying is a cleansing and healing process that will make me stronger.
I freely release fears that I no longer need.
My heart is open to a new chapter.
I allow myself to just be. I am in the perfect place, making perfect progress every day.
For more meditations, check out Healing Meditations For Surviving Grief and Loss, by Sibel hodge.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
In honour of those lost, but not forgotten...
It's OK to cry. Crying is a cleansing and healing process that will make me stronger.
I freely release fears that I no longer need.
My heart is open to a new chapter.
I allow myself to just be. I am in the perfect place, making perfect progress every day.
For more meditations, check out Healing Meditations For Surviving Grief and Loss, by Sibel hodge.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Thursday, January 1, 2015
New Years poem - Look for the Good
Look for the Good
In the New Year, let's resolve
to get less stressed, upset and anxious
about things over which we have no control.
Let's have a narrower focus on our lives,
loving and helping our family and friends,
making our community a better place to live,
to create peace and contentment.
In the New Year, let's resolve
to pay less attention to depressing stories
on TV, in magazines and newspapers,
and stop focusing on what we want
that we haven't got,
instead of appreciating
the many blessings we do have.
In the New Year, let's look for the good.
We may have to search
through a mass of negative media,
but the good is there,
all around us.
I wish for you a year filled with good
engulfed in serenity and happiness!
by Joanna Fuchs
Happy New Year everyone!
(Ps. my New Year's resolution is to have more fun ... and follow my passion, wherever that may take me!).
Blessings,
Chatgirl
In the New Year, let's resolve
to get less stressed, upset and anxious
about things over which we have no control.
Let's have a narrower focus on our lives,
loving and helping our family and friends,
making our community a better place to live,
to create peace and contentment.
In the New Year, let's resolve
to pay less attention to depressing stories
on TV, in magazines and newspapers,
and stop focusing on what we want
that we haven't got,
instead of appreciating
the many blessings we do have.
In the New Year, let's look for the good.
We may have to search
through a mass of negative media,
but the good is there,
all around us.
I wish for you a year filled with good
engulfed in serenity and happiness!
by Joanna Fuchs
Happy New Year everyone!
(Ps. my New Year's resolution is to have more fun ... and follow my passion, wherever that may take me!).
Blessings,
Chatgirl
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