A little self healing…

Journaling prompts:

* Write a letter to someone who hurt you

* Write out your priorities

* What’s something you would do if you weren’t afraid

* Who is someone who inspires you?

* What is something that inspires you?

* What are you most proud of?

* What is something you need less of?

* What scares you the most?

* What brings you peace?

— Unknown

My favourite therapist has given me a number of writing exercises over the years. I never look forward to doing them because I know they stir the emotional pot. Once completed, however, I always feel a load off. For example, he told me to write a letter to my dearly departed father and talk to him about what it was like growing up in our home. Then, interestingly, he told me to write a letter back to myself from my father and say all the things I wish he could have said to me, including the use of pet names (that I wished he’d called me). This exercise, strangely, was very, very comforting and healing. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Mindset…

A negative mind will never give you a positive life.

— Unknown

I was born pretty happy-go-lucky and if anything I’m positive to my own detriment, Lol. In defence of “realists,” considering less than stellar outcomes is said to be a legitimate coping mechanism. If expectations are lowered the disappointment is potentially less crushing. I think this quote is referring to a full stop, negative world view though, which I get. I know a couple of people who tend to the dramatic and there’s no question, black clouds seem to follow them around. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Care enough to make it work…

You can’t just give up on someone because the situation’s not ideal. Great relationships aren't great because they have no problems. They’re great because both people care enough about the other person to find a way to make it work.

— Unknown 

In my experience, it wasn’t so much about not caring enough. I feel my marriage failures were due to less than perfect pairings. The differences were simply impossible to bridge. Not for a lifetime anyway. Fortunately, I learned from my mistakes. I learned about what I really need/want, can’t live with, can’t live without and most importantly, what my deal breakers are. When I met the love of my life, we had pretty much identical “lists” for our perfect partner. Our lists included our must have’s, our priorities in life, our goals/ideals, and the relationship has been easy from the start. Sure, we’ve had to navigate ex’s and the needs of the children, but there’s always a happy compromise. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“The universal desire to be known”…

I have been at my craft or art or calling of being a guide to others in matters of the heart going on 38 years in April. I have worked with a great many folks. Though we humans can vary greatly on a great many things, I can say with complete confidence that there is one single trait and yearning which every client with whom I have walked a while has demonstrated — the primal and universal desire to be known.

But here’s the catch: to be known, to be soulfully seen, to be deeply heard — to become intimate and know the experience of the collapse of duality and being absorbed in our shared being — requires that you be vulnerable. And oh so many of us have come to believe that to know our vulnerabilities, worse yet, to show them to another, is a shameful display of weakness and ineptitude. 

The main piece of this newsletter focuses on this ongoing and frustrating conflict within us: Vulnerability: our Greatest Need and Our Greatest Fear. My hope is that it illuminates and supports you to enhance your courage and comfort in revealing your truths to another.

— Joel Brass, private/couples/family therapist and seminar leader 

Welcome to my favourite therapist, who I owe my perfect (even when it’s not perfect) relationship to. Joel not only helped me heal my cracked emotional foundation (largely due to unresolved issues from my unsettling upbringing, and resulting lack of trust and comfort in relationships), but also helped me cultivate key problem solving communication and relationship skills. Without this “work” I would likely be, unsuccessfully, trying to find a great life partner and dancing back and forth between wanting love and intimacy and being afraid of being that close to someone (because you can really get hurt). If you’re interested in reading Joels’ brilliant newsletter (s), check out joelbrass.com. This was the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Another Law of Karma..

The Law of Change:

History repeats itself until we learn from it and change our path.

— Unknown

A wise advisor pointed out my problematic relationship pattern at a key moment in my life. The observation was my tendency toward men like my father (quick to anger and needing/wanting to be “in charge.” Sorry Dad. I love you anyway. RIP). Thing is, I’m a touchy-feely, glass half-full, sensitive creature, which is clearly ill-suited to a more aggressive, confrontational persona. Problem solved. I never dated a person like that again. Instead, I began dating a person quite like myself and we’re busy living happily ever after. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

‘Your anger is a part of you that loves you’ …

I wanna share something my therapist said about anger that blew my mind:

“Your anger is the part of you that knows your mistreatment and abuse are unacceptable. Your anger knows your deserve to be treated well, and with kindness. Your anger is a part of you that loves you.”

— Lyndsey Gallant

I’ve also heard that anger in adults is the equivalent of a baby crying. My favourite therapist would say that anger lets us know where our boundaries are. If we become angry, there is a line to be drawn and a request to be made. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Don’t complicate life…

Missing somebody?        Call

Wanna meet up?              Invite 

Wanna be understood?    Explain

Have questions?              Ask

Don’t like something?    Say it

Like something?            State it

Want something?           Ask for it

Love someone?             Tell them

Keep your life SIMPLE.

— Unknown

My last relationship (before meeting the love of my life and perfect partner) didn’t end up being a great match, but I acquired a most valuable skill set ever. Full credit to this person for being a brilliant communicator. He just knew how to talk about issues, and better yet, he knew how to invite a meaningful conversation about the relationship grievances. This past experience has everything to do with my current relationship success. Thanks ex. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

I water you, you water me…

When two givers indulge in a connection, it’s like magic.

It’s alchemy. I water you, you water me, we never drain each other, we just grow.

— Unknown

In my experience, and in my opinion, this is possible when a couple is very well matched. Otherwise the differences tend to take center stage and the potential for friction and dissatisfaction are simply too high. If I could go back in time, I would tell my younger self to go ahead and enjoy that great connection when it happens, but don’t try to force a long lasting connection. Backing up even further, I would say be very clear and honest with yourself about the red flags and deal breakers. I’m not saying be a monk, but just be aware of how challenging it can be to part once you become attached to someone. I was certainly guilty of ignoring/denying problem areas in past relationships. I wanted to hold onto what was good and fun, but I really paid for it in the end (two divorces. Ugh). Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Law of Karma…

The Law of Creation:

Life does not happen by itself. 

We need to make it happen.

— Unknown 

I’ve also heard it said that preparation + opportunity = success. So I guess it comes down to our level of effort and putting ourselves in a position to capitalize on opportunities. In other words, nothing happens without our goal setting, our action steps, our desire, our belief, our perseverance. Of course, we can give up along the way because it’s too hard. Or we can die trying, which is my choice, Lol ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

You can retrain and guide your mind…

Imagine if you invested the same energy that you use to doubt yourself to actually believe in who you are and all that you can do. Imagine if you thought of best case scenarios. You can start doing it now. Your mind can be retrained and guided to be optimistic and a believer.

— Avertsu.com

I’ve noticed that my mind gets stuck on the how. I can’t conceive of the steps I would need to take to achieve certain lofty goals. It’s like the brain doesn’t have enough information. I’ve learned that at some point I just have to rely on blind faith… and then the steps seem to miraculously unfold in front of me. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Chemistry and sex aren’t enough…

Chemistry and sex aren’t enough to build a long lasting relationship. They make for a wonderful affair, but not for the long term? There’s so much more to it than that. I finally realized that a solid relationship isn’t between two people who share interests, it’s between two people who share priorities. Get that figured out before you give your heart away.

— Unknown

Well that explains marriage number one (shared interests) and marriage number two (chemistry). Yeah, I learned this lesson the hard way. I went on to have another serious relationship, thinking I finally had it right, with shared interests and some chemistry. But in the end, that relationship was fair to middling across the board. And actually, there were deal breakers I was ignoring. Fortunately, I took a time out, went back to the drawing board, put a serious list together (how I wanted to feel in my well-matched relationship, what kind of life I wanted to share with this person etc.). My relationship re-set was a success because I found the perfect life partner (going on 7 years now). Just sayin’ :) Good luck! Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“Pandemic Flux Syndrome”…

With the threat from the delta variant bearing down across the United States, it’s almost hard to remember the heady days earlier this summer when many of us were experiencing relief, joy, even euphoria as we began to resurface from the pandemic. Barbecues with friends, dinners out, live music, connecting with people face-to-face — all of the antidotes to isolation we’d been craving became tangible realities.

During the week of June 14, as vaccinations were becoming widespread and public life seemed to be returning to normal, Gallup classified 59.2 percent of Americans as “thriving” based on their responses to a survey that asked them to evaluate their lives, the highest average score on that measure in 13 years. Optimism was through the roof.

But now, many people are experiencing a starkly different set of feelings — blunted emotions, spikes in anxiety and depression, and a desire to drastically change something about their lives. If this sounds familiar, you might be one of the many people experiencing what we’ve begun to refer to as “pandemic flux syndrome.” It’s admittedly not a clinical term, but it seems to capture something about the moment we’re living through…

All in all, if you’re experiencing increased sadness or anxiety along with an urge to dramatically change something about your life — some of the markers of pandemic flux syndrome — be assured you’re not alone. Many people are feeling such tensions. Although human beings are more resilient than we generally appreciate, it will take time for many of us to stably recover, to reflect and recalibrate. 

— Amy Cuddy and JillEllyn Riley, The Washington Post 

And now we’re dealing with Omicron, and we’re at risk of even more variants until most of the world is vaccinated. So the wealthier countries will have to assist those in need in order for us all to get out of this mess. That aside, there’s something very about comforting knowing you’re not in this alone. Of course we know we’re not in this alone, but personally I like to hear how others are feeling and how they’re coping or not coping. It gives me permission to be a big baby, at least some of the time, Lol ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Learning and improving as time goes by…

If you look back only at your mistakes, you’d think you were an idiot. If you look back only at your wise choices, you’d think you were infallible.  But if you look back on everything, you’d realize you’re a human being who has been through a lot, grown up a lot, and is always still learning and improving as time goes by.

— Doe Zantamata (Author of Happiness in Your Life Book series, blogger, artist and photographer)

Like a lot of other people, I had a certain vision, along with a timeline, in mind for my future. I thought I would be super successful at a young age. But as they say, life is what happens when you’re busy making plans. I have to remind myself that I do actually make a fantastic living, which affords me a pretty sweet lifestyle (and time to write, which is one of my very favourite hobbies, during morning coffee). Thing is, I thought I’d be even more successful than that. What I hadn’t anticipated is the huge impact my emotional/relationship world would have on my motivation and inspiration. I spent a couple of decades trying to manifest a wonderful, fulfilling and long lasting relationship. This led to a lot of therapy and personal work and I now realize my biggest success is a rock solid relationship with myself, which finally led to the love of my life. I’m still working on my vision of ultimate success (financially independent entrepreneur), but I am now more comfortable letting this unfold as life affords. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl     

Attachment or love?…

Try not to confuse attachment with love. 

Attachment is about fear and dependency, and has more to do with love of self than love of another. Love without attachment is the purest love because it isn’t about what others can give you because you’re empty. It is about what you can give others because you’re already full.

—Yasmin Mogahed (University of Wisconsin - Madison graduate with a BSc in psychology and Master’s in journalism and mass communications. Mogahed is an American educator, author and international motivational speaker, known for her gift of captivating an entire audience with her thoughts and insightful reflections. Mogahed is a specialist in spirituality, psychology, and personal development. She is the first female instructor at the AIMaghrib Institute. She has also written columns for the Huffington Post).  

If I could go back in time, I would say exactly that to my younger self. Coming from a tough love upbringing, there was a shortage of loving affection and supportive words. My parents were uber-focused on preparing us for the tough world out there, which I can understand logically, but in the end it left me with a pretty big vulnerability. I was smart enough to have confidence in my abilities, but it was the love/relationship side of things that took the hit. It took me years of therapy and life coaching to tackle this Achilles heal. My favourite therapist diagnosed my relationship issues (2 divorces) as a “love-ability issue.” In time, I repaired the cracked emotional foundation and all is right with the world. I met the love of my life and couldn’t be happier. I absolutely know that the success of our relationship has everything to do with each of us having a strong sense of self and self caring. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“Decision Fatigue is real”…

We’re tired and overwhelmed by choices big and small, from whether to take a new job to what to have for dinner.

New Year, same stress. How can we make good calls — or any calls — right now?

Worn out from nearly two years of the pandemic, many of us are paralyzed when it comes to major life choices and quotidian decisions alike. Whether it’s leaving a job, booking that flight or letting your kid go to a birthday party, the rules and risks keep shifting. All the options seem fraught.

— Rachel Feintzeig, the Wall Street Journal

The article continues, with some ideas on coping in this never ending, shifting landscape. I just wanted to take a moment to feel validated around some of the fatigue and paralysis I’ve felt along the way. This is a hard time, no double about it. Hang in there! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“No More Working for Jerks!”…

Reporting to work has always meant accepting a variety of unpleasantries: commutes, pre-coffee chitchat, people who would like you to do what they tell you to do even if it’s not yet 10 a.m.

But for some, the last year has rebalanced the power seesaw between worker and boss. Maybe it was the surge of people quitting: A record high 4.5 million Americans voluntarily left their jobs in November. Maybe it was the ebbing will-they-won’t-they tides of return to office plans. Whatever the change, more workers are feeling empowered to call out their managers…

And many are realizing that there’s nothing that thins out a workforce like misbehaviour. Ms Darrisaw, for example, of C-Suite Coach helps companies assess how they can improve their culture. “Are more people trying to leave certain teams?” She asks clients. “That often tells you what the management style is like.”

Sometimes workers can name and shame their meaner colleagues — but in other cases, that job falls to those resigning instead. Which means quitting season might spell trouble for the jerks.

— by Emma Goldberg, The New York Times

Well that’s a positive to come out of the pandemic. I don’t know about you, but I’ve lived through a few bad managers in my day; the invasive micromanager (I actually got a migraine in the middle of working with a terrible boss for two days straight), the manager who thinks there’s only one way to do something and that’s his way, the manager who tries to delegate a lengthy and in-depth project at 3 pm on Friday. So, yeah, I’m super thrilled to hear this news! Thanks to all those who said enough and left. Cheers to you! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Who do you have to talk to about this stuff?…

Those fated words set me out on my path to mental, emotional and spiritual healing. And now I’m sort of addicted to “the work”, so that I may manifest even more joy, meaning and fulfillment in my life. Let me back up. I started dating a guy in my early thirties. I was very compelled by his vibrant energy and spirituality right from the start. He was reading all of these revolutionary books (more than just self-help or personal development. Very spiritual and profound) and he was working with a therapist on a regular basis, who he revered. We had a great time together, but it was more than that. He was deep and soulful. As the relationship progressed, we talked about our goals, dreams and desires for the future. Then we got into families and our upbringing, and this got sticky. There’s always been much drama in my family of origin and this is where my Achilles heel always has been, and remains, but to a lesser and lesser degree the more work I do. Fewf. My boyfriend quickly realized there were much deeper issues at play in my relationships and he drew a line in the sand. He made it clear that he was not going to be my sounding board with this deep drama and he recommended that I see the therapist he so valued. Fortunately, I agreed. I enrolled in a weekend workshop with this therapist and was instantly mesmerized. It was as though he could see right through every one of us in the room. Within the first hour, he had each of us taking a turn explaining why “in truth” we agreed to this weekend workshop. I immediately felt naked. When it was my turn he asked if he could coach me and I meekly said “ok.” I just knew this was gonna cut straight to my heart and soul. He diagnosed that I had a father issue, which meant that I had men issues in general and therefore I had relationship issues. Boom. He went further to say that I had love-ability issues from growing up in a household that was short on love, affection and appreciation. Pin drop. Needless to say, I was scared shitless. I was also hooked 100%. I dove as far into the deep end as a person possibly could and I’ve never looked back. The healing has been a long and drawn out process and the work will continue until my death because I value it so utterly and completely. I’ve learned to value and enjoy the relationship with my self above all others and this has led to a quality in my relationships that I couldn’t have imagined way back when. Just sayin’ :) I wish you the same gorgeousness in your relationships. Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Rest, recovery and reflection are essential…

Destroy the idea that you have to be constantly working or grinding in order to be successful. Embrace the concept that rest, recovery, reflection are essential parts of the process towards a successful and happy life.

— Zach Galifianakis

I used to work a LOT when I was younger, but that was out of necessity. I saved for a car at the very young of 14 because I wanted the convenience and time savings a vehicle provides. My sister and I were bosom buddies growing up, so it was easy to share a car. She was happy to drive me around until I could drive myself because I paid for half of everything ;). Then I needed to pay for college, so I worked semi-full time and went to school semi-full time. Then I needed to pay off school debt and make enough to buy a proper career wardrobe. Fewf. Looking back, I wonder where I found the energy. As I’ve gotten older, I suppose I’ve had the luxury of time and sufficient funding to focus on recovery and reflection. Fortunately, I had the sense to invest in professional coaching (traditional therapy, life coaching, energy work and relationship skills courses). I also landed on both career and relationship time-outs, which allowed for a deep dive into my goals/desires/needs/wants. I’m not gonna lie, these were not fun times. But the silver lining has been quite miraculous; I found the perfect love of my life (which is perfect even when it’s not perfect) and I also found my dream job. I’m still in pursuit of my entrepreneurial dream. I have it in my head and heartthat I want to contribute something meaningful and long lasting to this world. I’ll happily die trying, and in the meantime I’m enjoying life exactly as it is. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

The “science of happiness”…

An explosion of research over the past few decades reveals a cultural shift toward moments of happiness, rather than a broader contentment with life. There’s even talk of “gross domestic happiness” rather than gross domestic product. Apparently, how we feel from hour to hour matters more than our overall happiness in life. We tend to focus on our closest relationships, but recent evidence suggests acquaintances are equally important. Gillian Sandstorm, a psychology lecturer at the University of Essex, found that participants with large networks of loose acquaintances were happier overall, and felt happier on days they recorded a higher number of casual interactions. For example, our regular coffee shop barista can significantly boost our mood for the day. 

— paraphrased from Friday, Jan 2nd 2022, Vancouver Province article Overwhelmed By Recent Events? (London Daily Telegraph) 

This makes a lot of sense to me. In fact, I’m a regular at my local coffee shop and I’ve noticed the sense of community I feel each time I visit. Most of the patrons are regulars and I think we would consider each other friends. We’ve often chatted about how we kinda feel like colleagues because many of us like to begin our work day there. The coffee shop has been a saving grace during Covid, offering a sense of belonging and place of solace that we’ve been able to lean on. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

A thought provoking examination of betrayal…

The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies.

— Unknown

I think the hardest lesson I’ve learned is that some of the gut wrenching betrayals in my life point the finger back at me. Further to my last quote, I neglected to properly address situations that were not aligned with my needs, desires and values; I stayed too long in a relationship that was a mismatch for me (there were a couple of serious deal breakers that I’m still surprised I ignored) and I delayed leaving a very draining and unfulfilling job because the pay was good and well, it just sucks looking for a new position, interviewing etc. So, in truth, I would say that I betrayed myself before long before anyone I trusted betrayed me. I personally think that’s a very adult and courageous position to take. Frankly, it’s a freeing and empowering mind set and I’ve manifested some big dreams as a result. I can’t take full credit, as I had help from some very savvy coaches. What I will take credit for is being coachable, wanting to evolve and being committed to bringing even more joy, meaning and abundance into my life. Just sayin’ : ) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Doesn’t excuse their behaviour…

Forgiveness doesn’t excuse their behaviour.

Forgiveness prevents their behaviour from destroying your heart.

— Unknown

I like the re-framing of this perspective. It’s interesting how a slightly different vantage point can shift the energy and emotion. In truth though, I’m still working on the bad taste in my mouth concerning a couple of people/experiences in my life. I like to think; what they did was about them and not me, that person is no longer in my life, I’ve learned from the experience and I do have some responsibility in what happened (I stayed too long in a job that wasn’t aligned with my values and things ended badly/I stayed in a relationship that was not well-suited and things ended badly). My biggest take away is that I need to be completely honest with myself and then act in my best interest much sooner, even if change may be painful, expensive and up-rooting. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Calming negative energy…

There are many ways to calm a negative energy without suppressing or fighting it. You recognize it, you smile to it, and you invite something nicer to come up and replace it; you read some inspiring words, you listen to a piece of beautiful music, you go somewhere in nature, or you do some walking meditation.

— Thich Nhat Hanh

Great suggestions. For me, a change of scenery usually does the trick. I love going to a coffee shop (where I read the news and do some writing) in the morning anyway and this generally shifts my energy. I’ve also noticed that sometimes I’m better off just getting to work (day job), as the focus on customers and goals seems to snap me out of the funk. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Hope for 2022…

Best wishes for a wonderful 2022 everyone! It looks like we can be optimistic about the pandemic easing toward the “endemic” phase soon… which means we’ll get our lives back. Now that’s cause for celebration! Just sayin’ :) Hugs.XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl