Do you take responsibility for other people’s problems?…

My childhood trauma didn’t make me stronger it made me a people pleaser, it made it impossible for me to give up on people, it made me exhaustingly empathetic, it made me constantly have the urge to take responsibility for everybody’s problems even it I didn’t cause them, and it made me only able to feel in extremes.

— Unknown 

I can relate. It’s taken long term healing and much education to figure out how to have my own back. Individual therapy allowed me to grieve and mostly resolve my past trauma (deep rooted family stuff is still a bit sticky). Group therapy was brilliant in teaching me new emotional/communication/relationship skills, such as “clearing” which facilitates a mutually respectful resolution of tension between two people. I’m a big fan of therapy. I find it to be a very safe, comforting and supportive experience. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Forgiveness is a gift to ourselves…

When you forgive others, they may not notice, but you will heal. 

Forgiveness is not something we do for others; it is a gift to ourselves.

— David Whyte, Poet 

I’ve worked on forgiveness for a while now, and I logically understand the concept of forgiving to free up valuable energy and emotion. But wow, it’s not always easy getting past some of the old hurts. I’ve ended up needing professional help, and energy work, to get the monkey off my back. The deep rooted family stuff is the most persistent. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Are you an empath?…

Empaths love:

• Decluttered spaces
• Spending time in nature
• Reading self-growth books
• Water. Lakes. Baths. Ocean
• Spending time with animals
• Watching uplifting comedies
• Helping others find their truth
• Having conversations about Universe
• Staying cozy in bed with a warm cup of tea.

— jane_lightworker IG

I’ve been told I’m an empath, which explains my need for the above list. I would add needing a lot of downtime, and not loving crowds. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Extreme independence a trauma response…

The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response.

Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. And you needed it to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you.

From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you.

You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people. But only up to a certain point.  

— Unknown 

Early in my healing journey, my favourite therapist said “I have a feeling I am the first person, particularly  first man, that you will ever trust.” He was right. The second person I had to learn to trust was myself. My therapist diagnosed me with a “broken compass.” He said “The issue is that you are avoiding the so called negative emotions, which are very important in making decisions and taking proper care of yourself.” I grew up with a lot of anger and violence, and not much resolution. Needless to say, I did not witness healthy communication/relationships skills. Fortunately, I was able to learn how to experience anger and frustration positively, to draw healthy boundaries and to act on my own behalf. It’s never too late to learn important people skills. It’ll change your life. Just sayin’:) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Normal in relationships…

• Different love languages. Them not showing love the way you do does not mean they do not love you.
• Not always talking. Quiet time is completely fine. 
• Not knowing what you want sometimes.
• Not always communicating and texting via phone.
• Relationships changing as you change and grow as a person.
• Being grossed out by something your parnter does.
• Your parnter not being obligated to fulfill every single need of yours.
• Not having a lot of similar interests (movies/music/activities).
• Differences in opinions and viewpoints.
• Having boundaries (around space, touch, words)
• Feeling bored at times.
• Not feeling attracted to your partner 100% of the time.

— Nawal Moustafa, MA., Insta: thebraincoach (Clinical Neuropsychology Ph.D. Candidate)

When I was younger, I absolutely looked for a partner to meet most of my needs; to provide comfort, safety, support, security, romance, companionship, affection, acceptance, and on and on. Fortunately, my second husband basically sent me to therapy to address my baggage (upbringing wounds and ongoing family toxicity) because he felt these challenges were hindering my ability to be emotionally grounded enough to be in a healthy relationship. He was 100% right. Thank you ex-husband for leading me down the path of emotional stability, self-assurance and fulfillment . Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Childhood trauma not just abuse. Can also be due to…

Childhood Trauma Isn’t Just the Result of Being Abused. It Can Also be Due to:

• Being left to “fend for yourself” when you needed safety and security
• Having your feelings invalidated and denied
• Being forced to “self-soothe” alone and find an escape from your painful reality (e.g. video games)
• Having to hide your “true self” because it wasn’t accepted by those you craved to be understood by
• Having your parents consistently prioritize themselves (or their work) over yourself
• Feeling like you have to compete/prove yourself to receive the love and attention you sought

If you can relate, please know you are worthy of love and compassion.

— thedepressionpoject.com 

I attended many, many (22 I think?) group therapy weekend workshops with approximately 16 people per class (so, a sample size of 352’ish people), and it was really interesting the collection of issues. Some people had experienced the worst abuses imaginable, while a few had issues that seemed much less impactful, and everything in between. What I learned is that we each struggled similarly in our  relationships and with our overall happiness and well being. For example, one person was dealing with living in her rock star brother’s shadow her whole life. On the surface, this seemed so much less damaging than those who had been seriously abused from within their family of origin. But in the end, both had similar challenges. Above all, I witnessed the benefits of a communal, safe, respectful, unconditionally accepting environment on us all. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Not what you wanted, but needed for your well being…

Everybody talks about cutting people off, but nobody really talks about the grief that comes with having to stand firm on that decision - knowing it’s not what you wanted, but it’s what was necessary for your well being. 

 — Unknown 

My savvy coach educated me about complicated grieving. My mother died last year and I had mixed emotions. On the one hand, we were not close, but on the other, we lost the centre piece, or foundation, of our family. And unfortunately, the three of us siblings have fallen out as well. It sucks. Once my mother passed, I realized I didn’t have to put up with certain things anymore, and so I let a few additional relationships fall away as well. I feel quite relieved and at peace, with less friction and drama, but I do miss the good parts of those relationships/people. Just sayin’ Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Things people aren’t capable of giving us…

In recovery circles, I’ve heard this described as “going to the hardware store for oranges.” In this case, the hardware store is your parents and the oranges are the love and support you rightfully wish they could give you. Unfortunately, the hardware store simply doesn’t stock oranges. And we save ourselves a world of hurt when we learn to stop going to people for things they aren’t capable of giving us.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist taught me about the heart vs the brain. We can understand something logically, and try to lower our expectations, but the heart is another matter entirely. The “Inner Child” deeply craves love, affection and acceptance from parents and suffers without it. Of course you can create your own family with a loving partner, children, good friends and even colleagues. But the void of family is something to contend with. I’ve found group therapy (where most attendees are struggling with similar issues) to be quite helpful, given the unconditional acceptance and togetherness I’ve experienced. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Less accessible to any type of toxicity…

The deeper you heal, the higher you raise the bar on who has access to you.

And it’s not out of arrogance, it’s about protecting the peaceful, calm, drama-free life you’ve worked so hard to elevate. 

This new chapter requires you to be less accessible to any type of toxicity.

— Pammy DS

The more healing work I do, the more I need peace and calm. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Uncomfortable truths…

Uncomfortable truths we all need to accept:

• You should either have a supportive partner or no partner. There’s no third option.
• If someone can’t tell you their flaws, they have a dangerous lack of self-awareness.
• The best revenge is getting yourself to a place where you no longer care about revenge.
• Just because a relationship has lasted a long time doesn’t mean it’s working.
• Self-respect comes from self-control.
• Don’t let your time and energy leak from social media, overthinking, and meaningless relationships.
• If you always think your happiness is somewhere else, it’ll never be where you are.

— Unknown 

Professional help allowed me to see that my partner(s) were not properly supportive, which actually meant I didn’t have my own back! It took me a little longer to realize that just because a friendship is long lasting, doesn’t mean it’s working. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Love is not all you need…

• You need mutual respect
• You need support
• You need trust
• You need boundaries
• You need people to be there when it matters
• You need space to grow and acceptance when you do
• You need people to show their love in a way that you can understand

— @nedratawwab

I learned about my lack of relationship skills in intensive therapy. It didn’t even occur to me to pursue communication and conflict resolution skills. Duh. I now know how to articulate my needs and wants. I know how to speak up if I’m feeling hurt or misunderstood. Such conversations are illuminating and relationship strengthening. The positive results are really quite miraculous. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Taking bold action to succeed…

Author Dani Shapiro has published six novels, three bestselling memoirs, and a host of articles on major magazines. She co-founded a writer’s conference, teaches at top universities, and does a regular podcast… Here’s her secret: She feels that summoning courage is more important than being confident. Taking bold action to accomplish what you want is more crucial than cultivating self-assurance. 

— Rob Brezsny

I must admit that my boldest moves have been foisted upon me. I struggled to find a job in my industry post-2008 financial crisis, which left me little choice but to pursue contract options. Although I’m still toiling at the day job, I continue to pursue entrepreneurial endeavours, which has been a dream of mine. Romantically, I was blindsided in embarrassing fashion, which stopped me dead in my tracks. I went back to intensive therapy and learned how to make smart decisions. I took the time to understand my boundaries, needs, wants and deal breakers. The silver lining is that I’ve become more comfortable taking bold action. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Love is accountability…

LOVE IS

Empathy

Accountability

Supportive listening

Genuine vulnerability

Consistent communication

Physical touch

Availability

Curiosity

— @onna_lifestyle

Intensive therapy taught me about accountability. I was taught to own my baggage and lack of sound communication/relationship skills. In my defence, healthy skills were not modelled in my family of origin, and you don’t learn that sort of thing at school. Regardless, I learned that when you become an adult, you become responsible for the state of your relationships. Therapy and relationship seminars led me to my perfect love and fulfilling life. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Some people never really grow…

You gotta understand that some people never really grow; 

never learn their lesson;

never recognize their mistakes;

never acknowledge their faults; 

never admit they were in the wrong.

You’ll never receive an apology from them, and you’ll never see their behaviour change.

— Unknown 

It’s taken me a long time to “have my own back”, as per my therapist’s guidance. I was a bit lax on my boundaries and I ignored some deal breakers, which enabled unwanted drama. I just don’t want it anymore, and so I’m finally adhering to healthy boundaries. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Do you have a trauma identity?

It just occurred to me that many people are actually afraid to heal because their entire identity is centred around the trauma they’ve experienced. They have no idea who they are outside of trauma and that unknown can be terrifying. 

— HealthyPlace.com

I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I embarked on therapy. My favourite therapist asked us all in our weekend group session why, in truth, we were there. I admitted that I was only there because my boyfriend (and future ex-husband, Lol) was adamant that I should address my family drama, and I wanted this relationship to work. The therapist also threw up the disclaimer that a weekend workshop is great, but it’s really just the beginning of any healing journey. A journey it has been. It’s 25+ years later and I remain committed to 1 - 2 coaching sessions per month. Life has gotten easier and better, to be sure, but there always seems to be a trigger on the old stuff, or a few new upsets to get off my chest. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The ability to make healthy choices…

Repeat After Me

I am no longer a child in a dysfunctional home. I’m an adult with the ability to make healthy choices, create boundaries, and live the life that I create.

— nedratawwab.com 

After years of intensive therapy and weekend individual/relationship workshops, my favourite therapist said “You’re almost there. Now, all you need to do is have your own back, all the way.” He was referring to sharpening a few boundaries, and saying no, when needed, to protect my own health and well being. (For example, either minimizing time spent around tense relationships, or avoiding them altogether). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Why we choose unavailable partners…

We choose unavailable partners because we associate love with the need to prove ourselves, to caretake, to deny or ignore red flags; the roles we adapted to in childhood continue into adulthood when we have experienced attachment trauma. 

— @SitWithSharon

Wow, this explains a lot, and makes me feel a lot better about my failed relationships. Fortunately, I landed on a healing path, which involved significant relationship skills training. I found my perfect partner once I was emotionally sound and capable of being in a healthy relationship. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Are you holding your breath?…

Many trauma survivors hold their breath and their bodies tightly, bracing themselves for whatever is coming next. Staying alert for years takes a toll. 

Create spaces where you can take your armour off.

— Dr Thema 

I’ve done loads and loads of therapy and coaching, but I’ve never heard post-trauma summed up quite like this before. Makes sense. I found my way to energy work (Craniosacral Therapy, Body Talk, and EMDR, another non-talk therapy option), which seems to really help with the holding on tight thing. I first approached Body Talk as a last resort for life long stomach aches, and the practitioner diagnosed me with “anxious tummy.” I always thought I had allergies, but a blood testing tool confirmed that I actually have zero allergies. I’ve continued with Craniosacral Therapy, which has a very positive emotional and physical impact. So glad I found this remedy! Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

What’s important to you…

• I’ve seen people workout at 4 a.m. before working two jobs  
• I’ve known introverts who became great communicators when an important relationship needed it
• I’ve seen people who weren’t “ready” suddenly commit to the right person

People give effort to what’s important to them.

— Unknown 

My life improved immensely when I, finally, prioritized my well own being, over a romantic relationship. After a particularly bad ending, I thought never again. No more break ups. I took a time out, and with professional help, sorted out the vision for my ideal life partner. Most importantly, I renewed several commitments to me; work a little harder each day in career (to maximize fulfillment and financial security), respect my mental/emotional health and say no when needed (because duty and obligation can be exhausting), be more discriminating in friendships/social time (because we only have so much free time and energy), spend less, and save more. There you go. Complete and total life make over, and pretty much hit bullseyes across the board. I met the easiest, most perfect love of my life (even when things aren’t perfect), I have more financial freedom than I could have imagined, and I’ve hit a new level in my career. Admittedly, I’m still working on some friend/social/family stuff, given the emotional complexity of long standing history. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Love isn’t blind. Infatuation is…

They say love is blind. I disagree. Infatuation is blind, love is all-seeing and accepting.

Love is seeing all the flaws and blemishes and accepting them. Love is accepting the bad habits and mannerisms, and working around them. Love is recognizing all the fears and insecurities, and knowing your role is to comfort. Love is working through all the challenges and painful times.

Infatuation is fragile and will shatter when life is not perfect. 

Love is strong and it strengthens because it is real.

— Unknown 

My main take away from intensive therapy is the importance of relationship/communication skills. A lot of us witnessed dysfunction, rather than healthy dynamics, but it’s never too late to learn how to have successful and fulfilling relationships. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Are you a cycle breaker?…

A ‘Cycle Breaker’ is Someone in Your Family Who:

• Disrupts the genetic imprints
• Starts the healing in the family
• Recognizes dysfunctional behaviour in themselves and changes it
• Takes time to understand why the people in their family are as they are
• Recognizes coping mechanisms that are no longer helpful
• Doesn’t seem to fit in with the family
• Is ready to know themselves outside the family system
• Recognizes unhealthy familial patterns and chooses to not repeat them

— @psychetherapy.central

What I find interesting is that we apparently inherit personality traits, in addition physical features. Super interesting. Anyhow, I feel fortunate to have inherited a passion for learning, healing and growing. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Insights from a therapist…

    Things I’ve learnt as a therapist:

• There’s immense grieving in what should have been
• Healing takes your own length of time
• People need connection
• We are always evolving
• People just want to be seen and understood
• The tiniest steps can lead to the most beautiful growth
• That reaching out and healing is so brave
• That some things should never have happened
• Safe spaces are vital for healing
• We have our own lens. No one sees things the same
• No one has all the answers
• You never know what someone is going through
• That choosing to heal is a beautiful gift to self
• That compassion and empathy has its very own magic

— @h.e.l.e.n.m.a.r.i.e

“Choosing to heal is a beautiful gift to self” stands out for me. I remember sitting in the numerous group therapy weekends and thinking I’d rather be anywhere else. There was a big time and financial cost to this emotional work/education, but I knew I needed it. While everyone else was out there having fun, we were locked away in a room, trying to unload some of the old, painful baggage. Most of us were trying to find our way to safer, better quality relationships. The process was uncomfortable, to be sure, but the room did feel safe and I felt seen and understood. The group dynamic provides a great dress rehearsal for future relationships because you can practice your new and improved communication/relationship skills with others who are learning as well. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl