Stand up for yourself…

The world is not the most pleasant place. Eventually, your parents leave you and nobody is going to go out of their way to protect you unconditionally. You need to learn to stand up for yourself and what you believe and sometimes, pardon my language, kick some ass.

— Queen Elizabeth 2 

My favourite therapist says the same. He says we need to learn how to have our own backs, all the way. Meaning, we have to take care of ourselves first and foremost, so that we’re healthy physically, mentally and emotionally. Meaning, sometimes duty and obligation have to take a backseat for our personal well being. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Cleansing mantra…

I wash away any energy that is not mine to carry. I release myself from the burdens of the past. I nourish myself in a comforting golden light. 

I am restored.

I am recharged.

— Unknown 

I began working with a “Body Talk” practitioner a bunch of years ago. I originally began seeing this person because I ran out of options within the traditional and naturopathic health care systems, includingTraditional Chinese Medicine (herbs and/or acupuncture). I’ve had stomach aches and digestive issues my entire life and I was just sick of it. So I asked around and a very non-traditional coach recommended Body Talk. I figured I had nothing to lose. On the first session the practitioner told me that I essentially suffered from anxious tummy and she could help. It was all a leap of faith, because it’s not exactly clear to me how it works. I now regularly see a Body Talk/Craniosacaral practitioner and, honestly, this is the only thing that’s helped my system work properly. Of course I exercise and eat a pretty clean diet (minimal dairy, sugar, wheat) and drink a fairly healthy/social amount. But nothing seems to work as well as a regular energy shape-up, if you will. Coming back to the how does it work question? Well, apparently this sort of practice helps restore our natural energy balance (people can leave us with some of their potential toxic energy and rob us of some of our healthy energy/life force, and this lands badly on our bodies and overall physical and mental health. There’s also old stuff that can linger and wreak havoc with our state of mind and health as well). Anyhoo, this new solution has been a God send for me! Just sayin’ : ) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Hope is defining…

Hope is what gets us going each and every day. Hope is defining for the human condition.

— British Columbia Premier John Horgan

I don’t know about you, but hope is something I fiercely cling to. Hope gets me out of bed in the morning and keeps me going through the hard times. I just believe, in my heart, that a better day is ahead. I also believe the best is yet to come. But I’m also a glass half-full kinda girl, so clearly that’s my strategy for coping with life, Lol. (Not getting ones hopes up, to avoid crushing let downs, is another equally common coping strategy. This is my hubby’s preference). Just sayin ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Getting honest with yourself…

An amazing thing happens when you get honest with yourself and start doing what you love, what makes you happy. You stop wishing for the weekend. You stop merely looking forward to special events. You begin to live in each moment and you start feeling like a human being. You just ride the wave that is life, with this feeling of contentment and joy. You move fluidly, steadily, calm and grateful. A veil is lifted, and a whole new perspective is born.

— Unknown

Full disclosure: I still wish for the weekend, I still count the days to my beach vacations, and I wouldn’t say I’m moving fluidly, calm and grateful at all times. However, I did reach a huge turning point when I became extremely honest with myself. I had hit the wall. I found I had nothing left for the following; doing things I don’t like doing for a romantic partner or friend, dealing with bully bosses/corporate culture, spending time with people I find draining, doing things simply out of duty and obligation at the expense of recharging my batteries. I decided to put my needs first and the results have been spectacular. I ended up meeting my perfect partner (even when it’s not perfect), I landed my favourite job/boss (even when there are challenges), and I enjoy life more than I ever have (allowing for some inevitably trying days). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Someone you’re willing to work for, and who’s willing to work for you…

The truth is, none of us are easy to date, deal with, or please all the time. We have our vices, attitudes and way of doing things that make us unique. You won’t like everything about somebody, it’s impossible. This is life, and it isn’t about finding the perfect person, there’s no such thing. It isn’t about living some happily ever after fairy tale. It’s about finding someone you’re willing to work for, and who is willing to work for you. It’s simple, but yet so hard to achieve. 

— Unknown 

In my experience, there are challenging relationship dynamics and there are easier dynamics. There are also more difficult matches and there are more natural lifestyle match ups. My failed relationships were defined by irreconcilable differences; didn’t have enough in common (which led to going our separate ways on some weekends/week nights and then more weekends and week nights), an inability to achieve understanding and respect for one another’s needs/wants (incompatible communication styles and priorities?) and overall, simply not enough synergy to work well together. It’s one thing to go on fun dates or a weekend get away, but it’s a whole different ball game being married and living together full time. A big lesson learned for me. So if one were to ask me how I achieved relationship bliss (or close to it anyway), I’d say shoot for a VERY compatible match (similar lifestyle/hobbies, values and really, really like each other). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck! XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

What we went through or what we were told needs chipping away…

“Negative thinking” was never the problem, and “positive thinking” was never the solution.

DISTORTED thinking - - thoughts & beliefs about ourselves that have been mangled by what we went through or what we were told - - is what we have to chip away at to feel & function better.

— Dr Glenn Patrick Doyle (Psychologist in Illinois and the District of Columbia, and director of The Doyle Practice. Doyle equates emotional trauma with a dam being overwhelmed by flood water. “Our nervous systems fail when flooded by trauma… Floods happen. Trauma responses happen. No blame. No shame. We redesign and rebuild — as many times as we need to.”)

I found something particularly interesting in the individual and relationship weekend workshops (intensive group therapy sessions really) I participated in. My favourite therapist always managed to evoke big responses in all of us. He has his ways. For example, one of the exercises was to list the names we were called when we were growing up; your actual name, the name they called you when we were in trouble and any pet names. Just that alone would unearth experiences, good and bad and set the tone. From there, he would help us “chip away” at the old stuff, in an effort to reduce reactionary, and potentially relationship damaging habits. It worked for me in a big way. I bought in to soothing old wounds and acquiring new skills and my life has radically improved across the board. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

You’re allowed to say no…

Everyone doesn’t need access to you.

Some people are draining and they don’t even know it. You’re allowed to say no, you’re allowed to not answer calls, you’re allowed to break plans, and if you need to save yourself do it.

— Sylvester McNutt the third (Author, Speaker, Podcast Host and certified yoga instructor who says the best decision he ever made was to commit to a lifetime of healing, presence and joy. McNutt says there was pain and addiction in his family system that he had to overcome, which led him to become the adult that he needed as a kid)

Boy can I relate. There was ongoing anger/violence (right up to my 19th birthday, for coming home late), unhappiness and a lot of fear in my family system that I’ve had to overcome. I too have made a lifelong commitment to a healing path. I’ve created a “framily” of my own (those uber safe, unconditionally loving friends who feel more like family than the family of origin). I also have a very rich and rewarding group of colleagues and acquaintances who feel safe and comfy. This sense of belonging has made up for some of the old wounds, but I still want/need/benefit from regular, professional coaching. It helps my “Inner Child” feel safe and well taken care of and provides a layer of stability, health and fulfillment to my life. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Unlearning generations of harm…

Remember this: There is nothing wrong with you. You have patterns to unlearn, new behaviours to embody and wounds to heal. But there is nothing wrong with the core of you and who you are. You are unlearning generations of harm and remembering love. It takes time.

— Unknown

I don’t know about you, but my brother, sister and I were very much compared to one another. When report cards arrived, we mainly heard about our room for improvement and not what we did well. My sister and I were also informed about which one of us was better looking, according to the aunts and uncles. And people were particularly hard on my brother who suffered weight gain and hair loss at a young age. We continue to be graded throughout school and work, and so it never really ends does it. No wonder we have an “internalized parent” criticizing us. And so it seems up to us to right the ship, so to speak. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

More experience or insight required to succeed?…

Just because you have failed that doesn’t mean that you’re not good enough or that you’re not meant for that which you desire, it just means that in order for you to succeed at the highest level more experience or insight is required. Some necessary lessons are yet to be learned or applied. The universe is showing you through your failures what needs reworking or improving in your life, it is giving you a chance to better yourself and to try again. Those failures are there to help you, not to hurt you or hold you back. Failure is ultimately positive, it is a sign that you’re moving in the right direction. 

— S G Ruddy (Author of A Message Of Love Series)

I’m taking this to heart. I’ve been pursuing entrepreneurial endeavours in my spare time for many years, and a big one failed during the pandemic. Many years of work seemingly down the drain. Fortunately, a new opportunity popped up within a couple of weeks and all of my past experience applies. And I have a feeling this new vertical has greater potential and a shorter runway to revenues. We shall see! Just sayin ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Real relationships involve forgiveness…

Most people don’t want to hear this,

But real relationships that last involve a lot of forgiveness. You have to accept the fact that your partner isn’t perfect & will hurt you, disappoint you, & upset you. You have to figure out if you’re willing to go through ups & downs with them.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist talks about “clearing” and how healthy relationships, whether romantic, friendship, family, co-worker, require open and honest communication. Ideally, we own what we’re feeling, needing, wanting and make requests when needed (vs complaining, sulking, yelling, going silent, Lol). Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

“Pain will change you more profoundly than success”…

You do not get to choose the events that come your way nor the sorrows that interrupt your life. They will likely be a surprise to you, catching you off guard and unprepared. You may hold your head in your hands and lament your weak condition and wonder what you ought to do. To suffer, that is common to all. To suffer and still keep your composure, your faith, and your smile, that is remarkable. Pain will change you more profoundly than success or good fortune. Suffering shapes your perception of life, your values and priorities, and your goals and dreams. Your pain is changing you.

— David Crosby (Crosby has been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame twice: once for his work in the Byrds and again for his work with Crosby Stills Nash. Five albums to which he contributed are included in Rolling Stone’s The 500 Greatest Albums of All Time)

I read a great book called The Art of Happiness, written by the 14th Dalia Lama and Howard Cutler, a psychiatrist who posed questions to the Dalai Lama. I found comfort in a lot of the Dalai Lama’s answers to some of the tough questions about the human condition. For example, and I’m paraphrasing from what I remember (I read the book a number of years ago now), the Dalai Lama explains that our suffering may actually allow us to develop a deeper sense empathy. If we’ve been through something similar to our fellow human, our shared suffering will likely bring us closer together. I love that. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Saving ourselves…

As traumatized children 

we always dreamed that someone would come and save us.

We never dreamed that it would, in fact, be ourselves, as adults.

— Alice Little (Author of self-help books based on her own background and research of narcissistic abuse, child abuse, neglect and scapegoating. Little is a survivor of extreme child abuse and narcissistic abuse both as a child and as an adult. In order to escape the abusive people in her life she took the decision to leave the life she had created and everything and everyone she knew to start again and heal herself. In doing so she lost everything including her family of origin, friends, spiritual group, career, home and wealth. She now leads a peaceful life, writing most days. Titles by Alice; No Contact-The Final Boundary: Surviving Parental Narcissistic Abuse, Healing the Traumatized Adult, Healing from Depression: A Memoir of Childhood Narcissistic Abuse). 

Research tells us abusive behaviour crosses all racial, economic and cultural lines, and that not all abusive parents intentionally harm their children. Many have been victims themselves and/or don’t know any other way to parent. Others may be struggling with addiction issues and/or mental health issues. That said, many of us are left with scars from childhood. My favourite therapist says that, although the work of healing is not for the faint of heart, we stand to gain much improved relationships and a better life overall, if we’re willing to dig in and tend to some of some of the old wounds. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Figuring out who we really are…

I truly believe that every single person has to go through something that absolutely destroys them so they can figure out who they really are.

— Unknown

They say the death of a parent, divorce, job loss all tend to have this effect on people. Well, I’ve gone through all of these now, so I should be very close to figuring out just who I am, Lol. Actually, I began intensive therapy about 25 years ago, and the healing journey has allowed me to gradually uncover and clarify my needs/wants/values/priorities. This, in turn, led me to a beautifully suited life partner and a fulfilling and prosperous career path. I am deeply grateful. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

4 tips to conquer fearful thoughts…

1. Identify the fear: write down the fears, decipher the source(s) of the fear, speak out loud to them and acknowledge them. Ask yourself if the story is even true, or if it may stem from past beliefs imposed on you by others.

2. Write out the worst case scenario and best case scenario: consider focusing on all the ways the plan could actually work out. You just may discover that the best case scenarios outweigh the worst, which should help ease the mind.

3. Let go of trying to control the uncomfortable: place focus on the areas that are controllable. All we can control is the process and behaviours that put us in the best position to reach our desired results.

4. Carve out space to quiet and train the mind: exercise is ideal, given the endorphin release, cognitive benefits and improved creativity and decision making, which all lead to a more rational perspective. Meditation is another option. 

— paraphrased from Julian Hayes article, “If You’re Overloaded With FearFul Thoughts, These 4 Tips Will Help You Conquer Them”, Inc.com 

I know I have work to do in this area, and personally, I’m a big fan of seeking professional help. My favourite therapist tends to focus equally on what’s going on in mind and what one feels in the body. He’ll ask “What is your body telling you?” I work with an “energy” healer (Craniosacral/Body Talk) as well and she too says the body reveals much about our stress level. The body tends to tighten and constrict in certain areas. I’m not sure exactly how it works, but the outcome of these sessions is typically more space and ease around the issue at hand, a more rational outlook, and an ability to comfortably choose a course of action. Just sayin’ :) Hugs, XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Fear based, pesky thoughts…

Your mind will always believe everything you tell it.

Feed it hope.

Feed it truth.

Feed it with love.

— Unknown

I know, right? There are some great strategies for dealing with anxiety causing/enhancing thoughts. In short, my favourite therapist says that when we’re consumed by fear and worry, we’re operating too much in our minds. So how do we quiet the internal dialogue?…. More to follow tomorrow. :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

When you complain…

When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation, or accept it. All else is madness.

— Eckhart Tolle 

I was exposed to the “victim mentality” from a savvy life coach some years ago. And still, I struggled to leave a relationship that was, sadly, winding down. We were going in different directions and the match was less than ideal. But I wasn’t sure if I should work on the relationship (“change the situation”), before giving up on it. This was the healthiest and nicest relationship I’d been in, so although it wasn’t perfect, I worried that I’d end up in something different, but not better. Unfortunately, my partner found his perfect mate in the middle of our troubled time and we ended up having a very yucky ending. Around the same time, I dragged my heels on leaving a bad job, and that one bit me in the butt too. I did learn how to be more proactive though, Lol. I left a subsequent stifling corporate culture and landed my dream job. I was crystal clear on what I wanted; specific pay range, certain type of boss, aligned company values. I got exactly what I wanted and then some. I was also able to figure out the particular qualities/lifestyle/values I needed for my ideal match and landed the perfect partner as well. So there you go. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Don’t let people bully you…

No matter how long it took you to finish a degree. It’s a degree.

If it took you 10 failed relationships to find love. You found it.

A house bought at the age of 65 is still an accomplishment.

Don’t let people bully you with their timeline of success. 

— Unknown 

Good to hear, because I took a 1.5 year gap in the middle of my degree, it took me two divorces to find the love of my life, I have no kids and I still haven’t bought my first house. So I definitely haven’t met the typical “timeline of success.” But life gets better by the day and the future looks bright (despite the cost of living, climate change and lingering Covid issues, Lol). Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The question of worthiness…

We live in a society from the day that we’re born that tells us we’re not enough: we’re not good enough, we’re not attractive enough, we’re not tall enough, we’re not skinny enough, we’re not this enough, we’re not that enough, not smart enough. For teenage girls, they see magazines constantly and billboards - and not just girls, boys as well - and so instead of living in a society that feeds us positivity and feeds us worthiness, it feeds us destruction and it feeds us insecurity…

—Shailene Woodley (Award winning American Actress, who began modelling at age 4)

According to my favourite therapist, worthiness destruction often begins in the home. My brother and I were recently comparing notes on the things our parents used to say to us. My brother was made to feel less than because he didn’t complete his 4 year college degree and I was told that I wasn’t as smart as my brother. To which I responded, “yeah, he has that IQ/near photographic memory thing, but I have more of the EQ skills (emotional intelligence)”. It’s just interesting to me that despite our individual successes, we were compared to each other, and our perceived “weaknesses” were highlighted, rather than our strengths. Judgments and comparisons continue on at school, at work, and in our social circles through gossip and back chatter. So on some level, I supposed were left to build our own confidence and self-esteem. My therapist would go a step further, I think, and say that we need to build our self-acceptance and self love, full stop. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl