Long range impact of stressful events from childhood...

Poverty, poor nutrition, parental stress and child abuse are among the early life experiences that can become biologically imprinted in children, in part by turning genes “on” or “off,” a process referred to as epigenetics. Epigenetic changes associated with these experiences can last all the way into adulthood and may be linked to chronic health conditions later in life.

— Dr Michael Kobor, Dr Candice Odgers and Dr Kim Schmidt

This might explain why some behaviours/issues are so hard to shake. Having said that, “Inner Child” work seems to be quite helpful in coping with long standing emotional hurdles. Just sayin’ :) Hugs, XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The Brain’s natural desire to wrap up unfinished business...

The peril of late night emails

Workers of the world, let’s resist the urge to send emails after hours. We may think of our messages as benign, but ‘an email is never just an email,’ writes JotForm founder Aytekin Tank. Work messages after hours bring us back to work precisely when we need to recharge. And it can trigger the Zeigarnik effect, our brain’s natural desire to wrap up unfinished business. This urge makes it that much harder to disconnect. And amid the pandemic, when the bounds between work and life are blurred for many, we need all the separation we can muster.

— Scott Olster, Editor at LinkedIn

Wow, I didn’t know that was an actual thing, our brains needing to wrap up unfinished business. No wonder we lay awake some nights. Problem is, some things in life remain “unfinished” don’t they. My favourite therapist advises writing a letter outlining all of our thoughts and feeling (and not sending it), when we’re looking for the closure we’re never going to get. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Keep going to the circus?...

Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown
Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus

— Unknown

My favourite therapist said something similar to me a ways back. My partner at that time and I were clinging to a tumultuous relationship that had us very stuck. We couldn’t seem to stay together and we couldn’t seem to break from one another. It actually took professional help for us to give up! Awe. When I think about it, kudos to us for the level of commitment. At the end of the day, however, the relationship didn’t make either one of us happy. This valuable experience led me to my Mr Right. So maybe it’s worth holding out? Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

What’s happening inside...

I’m slowly learning that even if I react, it won’t change anything.
It won’t make people suddenly change their minds.
Sometimes it’s better to just let things be, let people go, don’t fight for closure, don’t ask for explanations, don't chase answers and don’t expect people to understand where you’re coming from.
I’m slowly learning that life is better lived when you don’t center it on what’s happening around you and center it on what’s happening inside you instead.
Work on yourself and your inner peace.

—TheMindsJournal

My favourite therapist says it all comes down to making choices that serve our health and well-being. He says we need to get better at saying no to things that compromise our peace of mind and heart. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Some days are just rough....

And sometimes, life is just hard, and some days are just rough... and sometimes you just gotta cry before you can move forward... (and all of that is ok).

— Unknown

My favourite therapist says some things that happen to us are just our legacy. We can’t change where we were born, who our parents are, the socioeconomic status we grew up in. Some things we just have to accept and make the best of... and it is also completely natural and advised to feel everything we’re feeling. Acknowledging our thoughts and feelings, we can make an informed decision on the best course of action for our well being and our future. Just sayin’ :) Hugs, XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Definition of a successful person...

How the Dalai Lama defines a successful person:
1. The true hero is one who conquers his own anger or hatred.
2. An open heart is an open mind.
3. The roots of all goodness lie in the soil of appreciation.
4. The goal is not to be better than the other man, but better than your previous self.
5. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
6. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
7. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
8. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.

My favourite therapist says that our childhood conditioning, and potential trauma, tends to leave us with issues and potentially a lack of critical relationship skills. If we so choose, it is possible to acquire some of the skills that were not imparted along the way. For example, instead of getting angry and yelling or giving someone the cold shoulder, we could learn to “clear” with that person. Clearing means approaching/addressing an issue that respects both people. This means explaining what our experience was, how it made us feel and making a request for different behaviour. The other person, in turn, could explain their side of things and respond to the request. This type of discussion allows for learning, understanding, compassion and a better quality relationship. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Be at peace with yourself...

You’re beginning to understand, aren’t you?
That the whole world is inside you: in your perspectives and in your heart.
That to be able to find peace, you must be at peace with yourself first;
and to truly enjoy life, you must enjoy who you are;
and once you learn how to master this,
you will be protected from everything that makes you feel
like you can not go on, that with this gift of recognizing yourself,
even when you are alone, you will never be lonely.

— Unknown

My favourite therapist talks about “having your own back, all the way.” By this he means, being honest about and accepting ourselves for all of our strengths, limitations, wants, needs, likes, dislikes. Within this landscape, we can better assess and potentially re-draw the necessary boundaries for our health and well being. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The choices we make...

Our competition isn’t other people.
It is our procrastination.
Our unhealthy food choices.
The knowledge we ignore.
Some of our negative behaviours.
Lack of creativity and perseverance?

— Unknown

Fair enough. I think passion and desire are key. If we’re super motivated and determined in our goal(s), odds are we’ll make the tough choices and sacrifices. It’s also possible that we’re too hard on ourselves and some things could/should fall off our radar? Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The “miracle”...

The underlying premise is that the greatest “miracle” is the act of simply gaining a full “awareness of love’s presence” in one’s own life.

— Helen Schucman (A course in Miracles, 1976)

A Course in Miracles teaches that returning to love is like coming home to yourself. That no matter which path one takes in life, joy and peace are our inheritance. A couple of inspirational quotes from the text; “All healing is essentially the release from fear” and “Forgiveness is the key to happiness.” My favourite therapist believes that recovery requires some form of faith, in addition to psychotherapy, or other avenue of healing. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The power of patience...

Patience is a key element of success.

— Bill Gates

According to psychology professor Robert Emond, patient people enjoy better mental health, experiencing less depression and negative emotions. Research suggests that beyond mental health, patience also promotes; more of a focus on long term goals, the ability to make more rational decisions, persistence, kindness, peace, and a way to practice faith. (Personally, I’m still working on this virtue, Lol). Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Can’t control everything...

You can’t control everything.
Sometimes you just need to relax
and have faith that things will work out.
Let go a little and just let life happen.

— tinybuddha.com

Elkhart Tolle advises that we “do not resist” because this will accentuate and prolong our discomfort. Instead, we’re supposed to “allow” our present circumstances, work with it and move through to an adjustment. My favourite therapist advises acknowledging and embracing all of our emotions, both good and bad, as this provides pertinent information with which to make the best decisions possible. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Things money can’t buy...

1. Manners
2. Morals
3. Respect
4. Character
5. Common sense
6. Trust
7. Patience
8. Class
9. Integrity
10. Love

Interesting to contemplate in these unprecedented times with the lockdown and resulting anxiety and stress. Did this time bring out our best or worst? (Waiting in line for groceries/a bottle of wine/beer/medication and cleaning supplies, navigating 6 feet of distance and some people not so much). Maybe some of both? Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Pandemic-induced burnout...

Recovery time is key to innovation and output... in order for knowledge workers to do their best work, they need space and unstructured time... We have to build a system of work that reflects how our brains actually function and what our creativity needs. That begins with incorporating recovery into the work process. You can’t be innovative if you’re not creative, and you can’t be creative if you’re stressed, exhausted, distracted, or sleep deprived... it’s crucial to recover hard when you play hard... working nonstop simply doesn’t work... It’s important to use some of this time to process our emotions and reflect on the discomfort...

— Rahman Harfoush (Digital anthropologist)

I’m so happy to hear that. Makes me feel better about tuning out and losing focus, especially now! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Best ways to say you’re sorry...

Apologizing with sincerity is both an art and, it turns out, a science. A growing body of apology research recently highlighted by BBC Worklife offers a few key pointers on how to express contrition. One study finds that effective apologies are best served with gifts, especially the kind that are costly to the apologizer. The gift is less about the monetary value of the offering but about the signal the gift sends. Another tip: For minor infractions, combine your apology with a thank you. Thanking someone for their understanding or patience is a self-esteem booster, which may ease any hurt feelings.

— Scott Osler, Editor at LinkedIn

In learning how to “clear” with people when friction arises (it took some counselling, relationship workshops and practice actually), I also realized there’s a lot to learn from listening to others. Rather than get defensive or offended, it’s interesting to hear where other people are coming from. The level of understanding achieved has been a real relationship building and deepening experience. Very cool. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

We all fail...

We will all fail multiple times in our lives, sometimes multiple times in a day. It’s the essence of what it means to build anything.

— Guy Raz (Multiple award winning journalist, war correspondent, radio host. Described as “one of the most popular podcasters in history” by The New York Times. Raz is the co-creator of three National Public Radio programs: TED Radio Hour, How I Built This and the first-ever children’s program Wow in the World).

Viewing failure as a stepping stone feels like a much needed kindness. We may have thought the bulk of our learning was complete once we graduated high school and/or college/post grad/internships, and started earning our own money. As it were, the learning curve is ongoing; technology requirements at work and on our personal devices, new job/company culture/products/protocols, navigating new partners/colleagues, not to mention navigating the present Covid-19 landscape. Just sayin’ :) Hang in there! Hugs, XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Building courage...

Our neurological makeup and life experiences both have a major influence on our willingness to act boldly when the need arises, but with practice, we can actively develop our courage. You can start with small moves. Miniature acts of assertiveness can help us grow accustomed to going out on a limb. And when you are feeling an urge to pull back, imagine the worst outcome and what might happen if you don’t act at all. Such a scenario may help put the stakes in full context.

— Manfred Kets de Vries (Dutch management scholar and psychoanalyst, Professor of leadership development and organizational change at INSEAD, and consultant. His work focuses on leadership and the dynamics of individual and organizational change).

Building courage indeed. I can relate, big time. I used to be terrified of conflict and anger. My parents had a very tumultuous relationship and things flew, if you know what I mean, Lol. Honestly, shrinking to near invisibility was a successful strategy in my family of origin and continued into adulthood. At some point, however, I needed to come clean and learn how to speak up. This took years and some genius relationship counselling and workshops. I learned that it is possible to “address” relationship issues with kindness, understanding, curiosity and love. I also learned that it’s possible to react emotionally, own it and ask for clarity, explanation and perhaps different boundaries and actions. With someone who’s interested in this sort of connecting, the results are quite beautiful and game changing. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Trust the wait...

Embrace the uncertainty.
Enjoy the beauty of becoming.
When nothing is certain,
anything is possible.

— Mandy Hale (New York Times best selling Author of The Single Woman: Life, Love & a Dash of Sass and creator of the social media movement “The Single Woman.” Hale has been named a “Twitter Powerhouse” by the Huffington Post, invited by Oprah to cover her Lifeclass: the tour events as part of OWN’s “VIP Press Corps.” She has also been featured in Forbes magazine, the Huffington Post, Glamour.com and many other outlets)

We’re certainly left in a position of waiting now, and for how long no one knows. In my experience, hope and trust, like so many things, seem to require cultivation. Our brains are busy! Perhaps we need to weed our thoughts, as we would an unruly garden. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

While on lock down...

I don’t need to feel any shame for what I am NOT doing and stop talking about the new normal. Everything has changed and some of us like the changes more than others... We are all led to believe that the situation is temporary and that on the other side of the time with Coronavirus lock downs Things Will Be different and somehow better. I sure hope so because the current reality is not that much fun at work or home... Hope might be the one skill we should develop during this time. Let’s not miss our chance to make things better, even if the changes are small. In the meantime, don’t make me feel guilty for the new language I didn’t learn or the forty pounds I didn’t lose or the new skill I didn’t develop while locked down. I know Shakespeare wrote all of his plays and Newton invented gravity while in lock down during the plague. That information doesn’t help me because I am not like those guys. In fact, lots of people I talk to have downsized their goals to include nice dinners with family and connecting with old friends so stop with guilt arrows. The new goal is: Let’s get through this because I need to get mentally prepared for all the things that will be different.

— Richard A. Moran (San Francisco based business leader, workplace pundit, bestselling author and venture capitalist)

I love the honesty. In the end, we’re all unique and we will cope with Coronavirus in our own way, and in the best way we can. Just sayin’ :) Hugs, XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Raid now?...

So quick question... are we buying up all the Raid now or just throwing toilet paper at the killer hornets.

— Unknown

Every time I read this, I laugh so hard out loud. Just sayin’ ;)

Be safe and be well everyone. This too shall pass.... Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Allowing feedback...

We all need people who will give us feedback. That’s how we improve.

— Bill Gates ($91 billion net worth)

Somewhere along the way (after a couple of therapists, life coaches, bad break up, 2008 financial crisis!) I realized that graciously receiving feedback shows respect for the person taking the risk of speaking up. I tended to get defensive when I was younger, but I now understand that feedback is important communication. There are differences in relationships and if we want our relationships to succeed, navigating and negotiating with one another is inevitable. How things are said is another matter, of course. If we’re criticized, shamed and/or blamed, we probably won’t be too keen on hearing the feedback. My 7th grade teacher explained that when we say “good dog” we don’t yell it nastily at the top of our lungs. Maybe when delivering sensitive information, we may consider softening the blow for the best outcome. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs, XO

Blessing,

Chatgirl

Heed the lessons of failure...

It’s fine to celebrate success but it’s more important to heed the lessons of failure.

— Bill Gates (Billionare!)

My favourite therapist says we need to pay close attention to our deal breakers/red flags and take appropriate action sooner than later. For example, if we’re very clear about the qualities/values we’re looking for in a potential life partner (having learned from our past relationships), we would do well to honour these important boundaries and guidelines. We should strive to acknowledge problematic issues as soon as we see them and move on from relationships that will likely compromise our happiness, health and well being. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Choose what’s helpful...

It’s important to know that you don’t have to believe all your thoughts. You can choose the ones that are helpful.

— Jack Kornfield (Psychologist and author)

Jack Kornfield advises that we acknowledge our anxiety and feelings - to pause - and hold them with kindness. He says this will allow them to settle down. My favourite therapist says something very similar. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Toxic positivity...

Acknowledging the positives is a way to remember all that is good about life. However, as with everything, there can be too much of a good thing. This includes what is called “toxic positivity,” which is the relentless focus to only concentrate on the good, at the cost of ignoring all of the bad.

— Rachel Fairbank

The emotions that you’re feeling, that we feel, when we deny them, double down. They burrow. They fester. They metastasize. Not only do our feelings double down and grow, they invite shame over for the party.

— Brene Brown

My favourite therapist taught me about this many years ago. He said “You want everything to be sunny and sunnier, and I get that, but what you’re missing is the critical information that comes from acknowledging and feeling the ‘negative’ emotions. He said this left me with a bit of a broken compass and he was right. Once I became brutally honest (with myself that is) about how I was feeling, I began to draw better boundaries. I learned to say no. I put my health and well being ahead of pleasing people. What a big relief actually, and no big fall out in particular. I found people were pretty kind when I explained that I needed a brain fart day, or needed extra rest and sleep that day.  Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Listen to your own heart...

Grandfather says: When you feel powerless that’s because you stopped listening to your own heart, that’s where power comes from.

— Gianni Crow

My favourite therapist advises that our feelings reveal critical information. In fact, our darkest feelings alert us when something is wrong, nudging us to draw new boundaries and/or make key changes for our happiness and well being. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Puerto Backyarda....

I hope the weather is good tomorrow
For my trip to Puerto Backyarda
I’m getting tired of Los Livingroom

— Unknown

Lol ;) I hear that! We’re certainly left to our creativity and imagination in these lock down times. Who knows, maybe we’ll uncover hidden talents. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Standing up for yourself...

Standing up for yourself doesn’t make you argumentative.
Sharing your feelings doesn’t make you oversensitive.
And saying no doesn’t make you uncaring or selfish.
If someone won’t respect your feelings, needs and boundaries,
the problem isn’t you; it’s them.

— Unknown

Health professionals recommend avoiding such people, or at least minimizing contact, even if they are family members. Just sayin’ :) Hugs, XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Key to staying optimistic...

We must create space for our negative thoughts to fully embrace optimism... Optimism is not about putting our heads in the sand, but finding a way to sit with both the good and the bad... Especially during a crisis we just have to be even more attentive to our emotional state. When we do that, we’re able to more quickly move beyond our stress, discomfort or pain... Optimism can soften the negative effects of stress, allowing us to cope with and recover from trauma more easily. With all of this in mind, there is a handful of research-based evidence for embracing optimism as a tool for dealing with stress and anxiety.

— Stephanie Marston (Psychotherapist and co-author of Type R: Transformative Resilience for Thriving in a Turbulent World)

My favourite therapist advises checking in with ourselves and identifying our three predominant feelings. He says if we acknowledge, validate and fully express our darker emotions, they will soften and leave way for optimism. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Getting through dark moments...

Coping statements:

“I can take this one day at a time.”
“This is frightening, and I can handle it.”

— Dr Sarah Kate McGowan (Dept. Of Psychiatry at the David Geffen School of Medicine at the University of California, LA)

There is big consensus on not allowing our brain to rest on dark thoughts. Instead, we’re supposed to acknowledge what’s going on in our head and replace repetitively negative thoughts with positive scenario’s. Feel what we’re feeling, yes. Ruminate on the negative, not helpful. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

What we have to gain...

One reason people resist change is because they focus on what they have to give up,
instead of what they have to gain.

— Rick Godwin

My favourite therapist talks about having our own backs, which means being honest when things are not really working for us. For example, if someone is not treating us as well as we would like, we should take action; say no to treatment that is not acceptable, draw new boundaries, and walk away if necessary. What we have to gain is a better quality relationship with someone who treats us with a greater degree of kindness and caring. Just sayin’ :) Hugs, XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl