Setting intentions (Miraculous!)...

Thank you to one of my genius coaches, I learned how to set intentions. When I was in a particularly difficult job (a lot of micro-managing, very dictatorial etc) and finding the single scene dreary, my coach said “You’ve got to set your intentions. And be very specific in writing out how you want to feel, what you want your day-to-day to look like.” I took her advice for both career and love and I must say it worked like a charm. Within a year I found my dream job and the love of my life. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Attitude is everything...

Ability is what you’re capable of doing.
Motivation determines what you do.
Attitude determines how well you do it.

— Lou Holtz (Former American College Football Hall of Famer, coach, and analyst. Holtz was also awarded an honorary Doctor of Laws from the University of Notre Dame, an honorary Doctor of Education from the University of South Carolina, an honorary Doctor of Public Service from Trine University and an honorary Doctorate in Communications from Franciscan University of Steubenville).

One of my trusted coaches says that we have a bigger role to play in our lives than we may realize. She says that if we’re willing to own everything that happens to us, then we have an opportunity to attract more of what we desire. She says if we avoid taking responsibility, we risk sitting in victim mode and therefore having much less control over our future. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Go within...

I know first-hand that taking yourself apart in an unflinchingly responsible and honest way to see where the real barriers lay to your experience of true and lasting intimacy can be difficult and painful. Yet there is only one alternative, and that, over time, proves to be more difficult and painful. It is to blame the other person; project the cause of all the frustrations and breakdowns of the relationship onto them; see yourself as their victim until you’ve had all that you can take; leave them; then begin the pattern all over again with someone new. Could a more foolproof formula exist for lifelong loneliness, alienation, confusion and dismay? I think not. When it comes to explaining the real cause of relationship breakdown this double-entendre maxim holds true: “If you don’t go within, you go without.”

— Joel Brass (Author, Individual, Relationship and Family Therapist and Seminar Leader)

I think he’s saying we’re either part of the solution or we’re part of the problem. I’ve learned a lot from Joel about taking responsibility for my end in things and building bridges in my relationships.  The results are pretty miraculous. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

“Ten toes in the circle?”...

Sometimes we give love to the wrong person, and we sit there and wonder, ‘how could I have given love to that person? They don’t even deserve it,’ or ‘what a waste of time.’ But the things is, you shouldn’t think about it that way. You should think of the fact that you were able to give love, because if you are able to give love, that means you have it inside of you. It’s this same thing with kindness, with honesty, with your ability to care about people. Don’t focus on the way that people abuse that. Focus on the fact that you have it within you, and that it makes you who you are. It makes you a beautiful person, a beautiful human being.

— Najwa Zebian

My favourite therapist says a committed, intimate, monogamous relationship is when both people have “ten toes in the circle,” meaning both people are fully engaged in the relationship. If there are any “I love you, but’s” then the commitment is not sound. If one person has less than ten toes in the circle, the commitment is not solid. If someone has more than ten toes in the circle, this is not sound either. Both people have to be committed for a relationship to have a chance at success. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

When going through tough times...

8 Things To Remember When Going Through Tough Times:

1. Everything can - and will - change.
2. You’ve overcome challenges before.
3. It’s a learning experience.
4. Not getting what you want can be a blessing.
5. Allow yourself to have some fun.
6. Being kind to yourself is the best medicine.
7. Other people’s negativity isn’t worth worrying about.
8. And there is always, always, always something to be thankful for.

— Unknown

My favourite therapist says, most importantly, we need to feel what we’re feeling in the moment, determine what it means and take action on our own behalf. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Serotonin and our mood...

70% of your serotonin is made in your gut. What’s going on in your gut is going to affect your mood — anxiety, depression, and focus.

— Dr Frank Lipman

Apparently, more operating instructions reach the brain from the gut, than the other way around. The gut contains the vast majority of our body’s serotonin and therefore has an a big impact on our mental wellbeing. According to many sources, taking steps to manage stress, exercise, eat a healthy/plant-filled diet will help us build a healthier, more resilient mind and body. We can also consider a probiotic, to maintain the healthy bacteria in our gut. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

What went wrong...

There comes a time to stop trying to make things right with people that won’t own their part in what went wrong.

— Unknown

My favourite therapist talks a lot about owning our own stuff. What are we like to be in a relationship with? He says if he asks five of our closest loved ones what it’s like to be in a relationship with us, what would they say... and they’re allowed to be right. It’s an enlightening exercise. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

What is real and meaningful...

We are often tired and imbalanced not because we are doing too much, but because we are doing too little of what is most real and meaningful.

— Marianne Williamson (American author, spiritual leader, politician, and activist. She has written 13 books including four New York Times number one best sellers. Williams is a big believer in the book/teachings of A Course in Miracles. She says “a conversion with Christ is not a conversion to Christianity. It is a conversion to a conviction of the heart. The Messiah is not a person, but a point of view. It talks about love and forgiveness... The book tries to get us to believe in each other.)

My favourite therapist would say we need to love, forgive and believe in ourselves most of all. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Dealing with painful feelings...

What I realized is that I was running to avoid tough feelings, painful feelings. I just didn’t know how to deal with them. Anything I found that I used for escape... It can be anything - drugs, booze, Netflix, snacks. Anything. I don’t want, at this point, to be running from anything... I want to sit in it, I want to feel it, I wantI want to get through the rough night. I found, in doing so, you come out the other side with a more profound understanding of yourself and a greater gratefulness of those in your life. And the birds and the trees and everything else. (About Alcoholics Anonymous). You had all these men sitting around being open and honest in a way I have never heard. It was this safe space where there was little judgement, and therefore little judgment of yourself... It was actually really freeing just to expose the ugly sides of yourself. There’s great value in that.

— Brad Bitt (Province newspaper quote Friday, Sept 20th 2019)

Well said. Very courageously said. My favourite therapist would be proud. This is exactly the healing process he speaks of and so deeply believes in, based on 40 years of coaching/teaching/helping people. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Who’s stuff is it anyway?...

Stay away from people who can’t take responsibility for their actions and who make you feel bad for being angry at them when they do you wrong.

— Unknown

What are we dealing with? The person in question could legitimately have mental health issues. From what I keep hearing, many people among us (and they may be old friends, family or romantic interests) may be borderline and/or undiagnosed. Check out this profile for one potential condition...

Narcissistic Personality Disorder: (Signs)

1. Always talk about themselves
2. Fantasize (feel they should have the best of everything, as a way to fend off inner emptiness. They feel special and in control and avoid feelings of defectiveness and insignificance).
3. Believe they are superior (will belittle others by focusing on their flaws, whether real or imagined as a way to hide their own shortcomings and preserve their self-image)
4. Require constant praise (fragile self-esteem and have to continually prop themselves up)
5. Sense of entitlement (feel others exist to serve their own needs)
6. Takes advantage of others (little to no regard for the feelings or interests of others, and have very tumultuous relationships).
7. Envious of others (low self-esteem)
8. Enjoy being the center of attention (they seek out attention at all times and need constant praise to feed their low self-esteem. They dominate conversations).
9. Lack empathy (Unable to understand other people’s perspectives and struggles).
10. Sense of entitlement
11. Incredibly insecure (and feel the need to put others down. There are two types; grandiose and vulnerable. The vulnerable type will need more positive affirmation).
12. Incredibly charming (people find them exciting and attractive, but over time their behaviour becomes more demeaning and aggressive. They use their charm to manipulate)
13. Extremely competitive (they need to be superior to somebody else and so cannot celebrate other people’s successes).
14. Hold grudges (don’t take well to any insult or disapproval. Extremely sensitive about their idealized image of themselves).
15. Don’t take criticism well (their inability to handle fault goes deeper than is typical. Hard pressed to admit fault which makes it impossible for them to take any kind of criticism, even if it’s constructive or neutral. They will react defensively and even aggressively. Prone to sudden bursts of yelling and anger)

(Taken from activebeat.com, by Katherine George).

In other words, some relationship issues may be bigger than us and require professional help or assistance. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Things you can control...

1. Your attitude
2. Your words
3. Your manners
4. Your actions
5. Your effort

— Unknown

What I’ve learned is that it’s more complicated than that. My favourite therapist says our upbringing can leave us behind the eight ball. Unresolved issues can hide like little land mines, triggering us emotionally. He says if we address some of our old stuff, we may be able to soften and potentially avoid reactionary tendencies. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Look in the mirror?...

My favourite therapist says that we have to be willing to look in the mirror if we want greater happiness/fulfillment in life and in our most important relationships. He says if he were to ask our closest loved ones what it’s like to be in a relationship with us, what would they say? And they’re allowed to be right. And that, he says, is where the “work” begins... if we have the willingness and desire to do it. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Just around the bend...

You fall, you rise, you make mistakes, you live, you learn.
You’re human, not perfect.
You’ve been hurt, but you’re alive.
Think of what a privilege it is to be alive -
to breathe, to think, to enjoy, and to chase the things you love.
Sometimes there is sadness in our journey, but there is also lots of beauty.
We must keep putting one foot in front of the other even when we hurt,
for we will never know what is waiting for us just around the bend.

— Unknown

My favourite therapist says that life just simply isn’t sunny and sunnier. He says we’re going to feel all of the emotions and that’s okay because our emotions can help steer us in the right direction for our own health and well being. (Ps. Personally, I still don’t like feeling the negative emotions, but I’ve observed how my anger and upset can ignite me when I really need to take action). Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Empty cup...

You can’t pour from an empty cup.
Take care of yourself first.

— Unknown

My favourite therapist says we have to have our own back and that means taking care of the self above all others. If we have the time and energy to help others, fantastic, but he says we shouldn't do things simply out of duty and obligation. He says we don’t serve ourselves or others if we end up depleted. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

A way through...

It’s okay to feel your feelings.

— Unknown

My favourite therapist says that a meaningful way to our health and well-being is to get in touch with our feelings. He says need to feel what we’re feeling, so that we can make sense of our world and move toward better quality relationships and personal fulfilment. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The darkness within...

Until we have met the monsters in ourselves, we will keep trying to slay them in the outer world. For all darkness in the world stems from darkness in the heart. And it is there we must do our work.

— Marianne Williamson (American author, spiritual leader, politician, and activist. She has written 13 books, including four New York Times number one bestsellers. She is founder of Project Angel Food, a volunteer food delivery program that serves home-bound people with HIV/AIDS and other life-threatening illnesses. She is also the co-founder of the Peace Alliance, a nonprofit education and advocacy organization supporting peace-building projects. Williamson says A Course in Miracles was her “path out of hell.”)

My favourite therapist says that we bring all of our old crap into our present day relationships and this inevitably hinders our happiness and fulfillment. He also says delving into our baggage is the road less travelled. Personally, I have found “the work” itself fulfilling and calming. Certainly all of my relationships have improved a great deal. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Set the tone...

Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.

— Unknown

My favourite therapist says that our unresolved issues, generally from our upbringing, hold us at a disadvantage in our relationships. He says that if we’re willing to face and resolve some of our old wounds, we’ll have greater skills and capacity for giving and receiving love. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The journey...

The struggle is part of the journey.
Everyone’s goes through it.
Keep going and don’t give up.

— Unknown

When I was around ten years old my Mum told me that life isn’t all about fun. I was probably complaining about chores ;) She went on to say that, in her opinion, life was about 85% work and “have to’s” and about 15 % fun. I thought she was nuts. Actually I thought she was a pessimist. As I got older I realized she wasn’t completely wrong, Lol. (And I’m an optimist to a fault). Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

If you’re struggling...

If you’re struggling, you deserve to make self-care a priority. Whether that means lying in bed all day, eating comfort food, crying, sleeping, rescheduling plans, finding an escape through a good book, watching your favourite TV show, or doing nothing at all—give yourself permission to put your healing first. Quiet the voice telling you to do more and be more, and today, whatever you do, let it be enough.

— Daniell Koepke (Author of Daring To Take Up Space and Internal Acceptance Movement (I.A.M), a poetry collection, which gives voice to fear anxiety, perseverance and strength).

My favourite therapist talks a lot about having our own backs, which means putting self first and not doing things out of duty and obligation, unless we have the energy and we want/choose to do so. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings.

Chatgirl

What we put into our bodies...

Your diet is not only what you eat. It’s what you watch, what you listen to, what you read and the people you hang around. Be mindful of the things you put into your body emotionally, spiritually and physically.

— thezenlife.com

I’ve been working with an energy practitioner (similar to reiki, which is said to encourage emotional or physical healing) and interestingly my stomach and digestion always, always struggle when I’m upset and stressed. The healer says we have somewhat of a brain in our stomachs (which science confirms) and processing the stress can actually interfere with the digestive track. I rely heavily on “gut instinct” in my life, so that makes sense to me. It’s completely amazing how well this energy treatment works. I couldn’t tell you how it works, but I’m thrilled that it does. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The power of redirection...

See rejection as a redirection.

— Unknown

My favourite therapist says that if we “mine” our feelings and reactions, we will uncover powerful information. For example, he imparted a truly brilliant pearl. He said that I wanted life to be “sunny and sunnier” and this left me with, in essence, a broken compass. He told me not be afraid of anger. (My father’s Italian temper —think The God Father —scared the heck out of me and so I ran clear in the other direction). He said that if we befriend our “negative” emotions, we will be clear on how we’re feeling, what this means and begin empowering ourselves. Ultimately, we want to have our own backs, which means protecting our health and well-being, even if it means saying no to family and loved ones). Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

A life you are excited about...

You deserve to be happy.
You deserve to live a life you are excited about.
Don’t let others make you forget that.

— Unknown

This makes me think about the scrutiny we face with parents, extended family, and society as a whole. The movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” does an amazing job of dramatizing the in-congruency of originating from one culture and growing up in another. I lived this scenario. My father was born in Italy and moved to Canada when he was 13. Maintaining his prized and precious Italian culture was non-negotiable and it was a bit mind-bending straddling these two very different worlds. When our closest family members are unable to accept some of our choices and God-given desires, we face rejection, and abandonment in the extreme case. What is the answer? My favourite therapist says that for our own health and well-being, we must find a way to be seen and accepted for who we really are. If you had a Dad like mine, that’s a pretty scary thought. As I got older, I did manage to speak up for myself (felt the fear and did it anyway!). He couldn’t really understand some of the things I was doing, but I did feel more accepted by him as I stayed the course (for example, he was a government guy and thought business was inexplicably linked with greed. I’m in business, so that was a disconnect, Lol. As an aside, my Dad’s been gone twenty years now and I can understand his issue with business and greed. Think financial crisis of 2008). Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Heart hurts a little...

If your heart hurts a little after letting go of someone or something, that’s ok. It just means that your feelings were genuine. No one likes endings. But sometimes we have to put things that were once good to an end, after they turn toxic to our wellbeing. Not every new beginning is meant to last forever. And not every person who walks into your life is meant to stay.

— Najwa Zebian (Lebanese Canadian educator, author, poet, activist, speaker. Her experiences of displacement, discrimination and abuse have inspired her to empower others to “build a home within themselves; to live, love and create fearlessly.” Najwa has become a trailblazing voice for women everywhere and was name dropped by the New York Times and CBS News, among others).

What a great way to find resolution for our “failed” relationships. I always wondered why letting go was so hard, especially when I knew it was the right thing for me. Just sayin’ :) Hugs.. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

To protect your energy...

It’s okay to cancel a commitment.
It’s okay to not answer a call.
It’s okay to change your mind.
It’s okay to want to be alone.
It’s okay to take a day off.
It’s okay to do nothing.
It’s okay to speak up.
It’s okay to let go...

— Unknown

My favourite therapist would agree. He would call this “having our own back, all the way.” Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

10 Life Lessons

10 Life Lessons From the Dalai Lama

  1. The purpose of our lives is to be happy.
  2. Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
  3. Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.
  4. Well-being comes through action, not through prayer.
  5. Sleep is the best meditation.
  6. Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.
  7. In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher.
  8. When you practice gratefulness, there is a sense of respect toward others.
  9. Where ignorance is our master, there is no possibility of real peace.
 10. More compassionate mind, more sense of concern for other’s well-being is source of happiness.

My favourite therapist says it all begins with our inner world, which is generally tangled up in unresolved childhood trauma. He says if we can heal some of the old wounds, we’ll have a much greater capacity for self and others. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Be the one...

Be the person you needed when you were young.

— Unknown

My favourite therapist says we have to find a way to have our own backs, all the way. For example, thinking twice about duty and obligation and saying no when our emotional and mental well-being need protection. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl