What sort of relationship are we in? What have we chosen and why? Are we mistaking "neediness" for love? Are we mistaking care-taking for love? Or are we in a solid relationship of two separate and complete individuals who choose to share their lives together in a fulfilling and meaningful way? Do we reflect on our past experiences and ask these questions? Maybe not, unless we've been deeply hurt. If we decide we don't ever want to feel "that way" again, we can choose to perform an emotional autopsy on our romantic track record. We can beat ourselves up, or we can be grateful that we have another shot at getting it "right" and finding greater joy and fulfillment. It's no fun looking back and feeling like a failure in love, but better that than remaining in a dead relationship, in my humble opinion. I've conducted such an autopsy and, as a matter of fact, it's quite illuminating. I managed to end up being extremely honest with myself about what I need, want, can't live with, can't live without etc. Past relationships are a wealth of information about what it is that we should be looking for moving forward. I managed to make quite the list for myself, including a level of minutia that could seem down right nutty? Thing is though, I found exactly what I specified on my list, right down to the seemingly crazy specific... and then some even. Just sayin' ;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Monday, November 30, 2015
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Christmas spirit or Christmas stress? ...
Christmas can be a very real source of stress for a lot of people. We don't always get along with our relatives, but we tend to (or feel obligated to) come together for the sake of family. I really like this quote. Helps with a paradigm shift. Just sayin' ;)
"Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas."
- Calvin Coolidge
Blessings,
Chatgirl
"Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas."
- Calvin Coolidge
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Self-fulfilling prophecy?...
I don't think everyone believes in the "self-fulfilling prophecy" theory and perhaps life is all a series of random occurances. I just think it's more mysterious, interesting and hopeful to contemplate how we may direct and affect our future. On that note...
"Your imagination is the single most important asset you possess. It's your power to create mental pictures of things that don't exist yet and that you want to bring into being. It's the magic wand you use to shape your future. And so in your own way, you are a prophet. You generate countless predictions every day. Your imagination is the source, tirelessly churning out images of what you will be doing later. The featured prophecy of the moment may be as simple as a psychic impression of yourself eating a fudge brownie at lunch or as monumental as a daydream of some year building your dream home by a lake or sea. Your imagination is a treasure when it spins out scenarios that are aligned with your deepest desires. In fact, it's an indispensable tool in creating the life you want; it's what you use to form images of the conditions you'd like to inhabit and the objects you hope to wield. Nothing manifests on this planet unless it first exists as a mental picture. But for most of us, the imagination is as much a curse as a blessing. We're often just as likely to use it to conjure up premonitions that are at odds with our conscious values. That is the result of having absorbed toxic programming form the media and from our parents at an early age and from other influential people in our past. Fearful fantasies regularly pop up into our awareness, many disguising themselves as rational thoughts and genuine intuitions. Those fearful fantasies may hijack our psychic energy, directing it to exhaust itself in dead-end meditations. Every time we entertain a vision of being rejected or hurt or frustrated, every time we rouse and dwell on a memory of a painful experience, we're blasting ourselves with a hex... "
- Rob Brezny
Something to at least consider?
Blessings,
Chatgirl
"Your imagination is the single most important asset you possess. It's your power to create mental pictures of things that don't exist yet and that you want to bring into being. It's the magic wand you use to shape your future. And so in your own way, you are a prophet. You generate countless predictions every day. Your imagination is the source, tirelessly churning out images of what you will be doing later. The featured prophecy of the moment may be as simple as a psychic impression of yourself eating a fudge brownie at lunch or as monumental as a daydream of some year building your dream home by a lake or sea. Your imagination is a treasure when it spins out scenarios that are aligned with your deepest desires. In fact, it's an indispensable tool in creating the life you want; it's what you use to form images of the conditions you'd like to inhabit and the objects you hope to wield. Nothing manifests on this planet unless it first exists as a mental picture. But for most of us, the imagination is as much a curse as a blessing. We're often just as likely to use it to conjure up premonitions that are at odds with our conscious values. That is the result of having absorbed toxic programming form the media and from our parents at an early age and from other influential people in our past. Fearful fantasies regularly pop up into our awareness, many disguising themselves as rational thoughts and genuine intuitions. Those fearful fantasies may hijack our psychic energy, directing it to exhaust itself in dead-end meditations. Every time we entertain a vision of being rejected or hurt or frustrated, every time we rouse and dwell on a memory of a painful experience, we're blasting ourselves with a hex... "
- Rob Brezny
Something to at least consider?
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Friday, November 27, 2015
Nostalgia for the familiar or urge for the foreign? ...
"We are torn between nostalgia for the familiar and an urge for the foreign and strange. As of often as not, we are homesick most for the places we have never known." -Carson McCullers
"The people and places that usually comfort you don't have their customary power. The experiences you typically seek out to strengthen your stability just aren't having that effect. The proper response, in my opinion, is to go in quest of exotic and experimental stimuli. In ways you may not yet be able to imagine, they can provide the grounding you need. They will steady your nerves and bolster your courage." -Rob Brezny
We can really be creatures of habit, can't we. Getting out of the old comfort zone can be hugely uncomfortable. A wise person once said to me "You don't like change, but it's actually great for you. You thrive." I have to admit, this is true.
Blessings,
Chatigirl
"The people and places that usually comfort you don't have their customary power. The experiences you typically seek out to strengthen your stability just aren't having that effect. The proper response, in my opinion, is to go in quest of exotic and experimental stimuli. In ways you may not yet be able to imagine, they can provide the grounding you need. They will steady your nerves and bolster your courage." -Rob Brezny
We can really be creatures of habit, can't we. Getting out of the old comfort zone can be hugely uncomfortable. A wise person once said to me "You don't like change, but it's actually great for you. You thrive." I have to admit, this is true.
Blessings,
Chatigirl
Thursday, November 26, 2015
"Celebrate Unhappy Hour" ...
Compliments of Rob Brezny
"Celebrate Unhappy Hour at least once a month. During this ritual blowout, you have license to complain and rant about everything that's driving you crazy Get a sympathetic listener to be your receptacle or deliver your secret shame, raw sorrow, bottomless wrath, unspeakable built, and unnerving twists of destiny. Feel free to unleash guttural moans or rueful cackles. If performed regularly, Unhappy Hour serves as an exorcism that empties you of psychic toxins. Then there's a chance to flourish as you luxuriate more frequently in rosy moods and broad-minded visions."
I love this advice. Makes me feel better already, Lol ;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
"Celebrate Unhappy Hour at least once a month. During this ritual blowout, you have license to complain and rant about everything that's driving you crazy Get a sympathetic listener to be your receptacle or deliver your secret shame, raw sorrow, bottomless wrath, unspeakable built, and unnerving twists of destiny. Feel free to unleash guttural moans or rueful cackles. If performed regularly, Unhappy Hour serves as an exorcism that empties you of psychic toxins. Then there's a chance to flourish as you luxuriate more frequently in rosy moods and broad-minded visions."
I love this advice. Makes me feel better already, Lol ;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
What should we own, emotionally speaking?...
I'm all for taking responsibility for our blunders and missteps? We mess up, we make amends. For sure. On the other hand, I've realized something over the years. It seems that at times others want us to own up to our "stuff" and take on their's as well. The old guilt trip and heaps of disappointment are foisted upon us as the other person sits there feeling quite superior. I realized something else over the years. No thanks! I recently had a friend play judge jury and executioner with me because my calendar coming up to Xmas exploded and I needed to see how I could manoeuvre. Rather than discuss specifics, she handed out a helping of shame, followed by the cold shoulder. No discussion or explanation from me and no new date. She decided that I had placed her as "low man on the totem pole of my social calendar." Doesn't exactly leave me with the warm and fuzzies. My mother could be sick, or I could be facing a significant and rare demand on my time. Another way to go could have been "I hope everything's ok" or "It's a busy time of year" or "Hey, stuff happens in life. I look forward to seeing you soon!" Now that's more like it. That's a person I wanna move mountains for. Just sayin' ;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
"The Empathy Trap"...
Selfish or self-caring? I think this quote says it all :)
by Robin Stern Ph.D. and Diane Divecha Ph.D.
"Putting yourself in someone else's shoes is good, but not when it becomes the default mode of relating to others. Too much empathy can blind you to your own needs. Reining in over-empathy requires emotional intelligence; it's underlying skill is self-awareness. You need always to be prepared to explore and meet your own needs. Once you know what you need, you can make a conscious decision about how much to give to another and how much to request for yourself."
I think we've just been given permission to put ourselves first:) ... Like in the safety demonstration on planes where they say to put your own oxygen mask on first. At the very least, we all deserve to place ourselves in equal position to our loved ones in terms of needs and wants.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
by Robin Stern Ph.D. and Diane Divecha Ph.D.
"Putting yourself in someone else's shoes is good, but not when it becomes the default mode of relating to others. Too much empathy can blind you to your own needs. Reining in over-empathy requires emotional intelligence; it's underlying skill is self-awareness. You need always to be prepared to explore and meet your own needs. Once you know what you need, you can make a conscious decision about how much to give to another and how much to request for yourself."
I think we've just been given permission to put ourselves first:) ... Like in the safety demonstration on planes where they say to put your own oxygen mask on first. At the very least, we all deserve to place ourselves in equal position to our loved ones in terms of needs and wants.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Monday, November 23, 2015
Quality vs quantity...
Personally, I'm a fan of quality over quantity, whatever the case may be. Being fully present and committed in the moment, whether it's visiting a good friend, enjoying date night, putting in an honest day's work can be a challenge with the insane pace we're keeping these days. We juggle so many demands and now with devices, it's tempting to keep up on all things career and social. If we can't be as leisurely, perhaps we can at least give the best of our attention to what we treasure most. Just sayin' ;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Sunday, November 22, 2015
4 damaging relationship habits...
If we want better quality relationships, we're supposed to give up the following 4 habits (Compliments of Aldo Civico, Ph.D.):
1. Don't criticize - which is the most common form of judging.
2. Don't name call - this is dehumanizing and insulting.
3. Don't continuously analyze - this is a way of talking down to someone.
4. Don't praise manipulatively - to get someone to act in a way that you desire. This will be perceived as inauthentic and will erode trust.
According to Civico, if we can do these four things, authentic and open communication will result. This should allow the other person to fully express himself or herself, leading to an improvement in the quality of the relationship.
Non-judgment, respect, listening.... the road to good stuff for sure :)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
1. Don't criticize - which is the most common form of judging.
2. Don't name call - this is dehumanizing and insulting.
3. Don't continuously analyze - this is a way of talking down to someone.
4. Don't praise manipulatively - to get someone to act in a way that you desire. This will be perceived as inauthentic and will erode trust.
According to Civico, if we can do these four things, authentic and open communication will result. This should allow the other person to fully express himself or herself, leading to an improvement in the quality of the relationship.
Non-judgment, respect, listening.... the road to good stuff for sure :)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Saturday, November 21, 2015
Predictors of surviving the 7 year itch...
John Gottman, referred to as the Einstein of love, offers compelling theories about why we succeed or fail as couples. In Principia Amoris, Gottman codifies and represents mathematically the dynamics at play and the consequences of specific interactions.
John Gottman says "Love is an energy system, and when partners interact, they create a force field, each having the power to affect what the other does. Even the best of partners miss little attempts at connection all the time - a minimum of 75% of the time... among those who divorced, partners had responded to only 33 % of their spouse's bids, while those who stayed married were turning toward their partner's bids 86% of the time - building up a reservoir of positive emotions that disposed them kindly to each other in times of conflict... sensors revealed that the happiest couples were internally calm and relaxed around each other, while the unhappiest, no matter how impassive they appeared, were physiologically aroused and poised for battle. Everywhere on the planet, Gottman has found, people automatically evaluate every human transaction on a scale of positive to negative. To repair the damage of missing each other's bids to connect, individuals must accommodate their partner's needs as well as their own. That is the measure of trust - the degree to which you believe your partner has your interests in mind and can listen to you non defensively, even if you can't stand each other in the moment. It is the single most important factor that takes a marriage beyond the fabled seven-year breakup point.
Rule of thumb? If we're compelled to listen to and factor in our partner's needs and wants as much as we care for ourselves, things should be looking good :)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
John Gottman says "Love is an energy system, and when partners interact, they create a force field, each having the power to affect what the other does. Even the best of partners miss little attempts at connection all the time - a minimum of 75% of the time... among those who divorced, partners had responded to only 33 % of their spouse's bids, while those who stayed married were turning toward their partner's bids 86% of the time - building up a reservoir of positive emotions that disposed them kindly to each other in times of conflict... sensors revealed that the happiest couples were internally calm and relaxed around each other, while the unhappiest, no matter how impassive they appeared, were physiologically aroused and poised for battle. Everywhere on the planet, Gottman has found, people automatically evaluate every human transaction on a scale of positive to negative. To repair the damage of missing each other's bids to connect, individuals must accommodate their partner's needs as well as their own. That is the measure of trust - the degree to which you believe your partner has your interests in mind and can listen to you non defensively, even if you can't stand each other in the moment. It is the single most important factor that takes a marriage beyond the fabled seven-year breakup point.
Rule of thumb? If we're compelled to listen to and factor in our partner's needs and wants as much as we care for ourselves, things should be looking good :)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Friday, November 20, 2015
"The Drama of Deception" ...
Compliments of Abby Ellin, Psychology Today
Being betrayed is no joke, especially when you implicitly trusted that person. The most interesting fact, in my opinion, is "You can convince yourself to believe what you want to believe. Often, you lie to yourself more than to others." Ouch. Diving a little deeper, "When you put so much into a particular decision, you tend to selectively emphasize facts that support it and dismiss facts that dispute it. Affect enters into the process in many ways, such as falling in love." Personally, I have to own a huge avoidance factor. In truth, I was done and needing to move on. I just couldn't quite bring myself to go through the uncomfortable motions of breaking up; the "discussion" and yucky move. It was too easy to put off. Boy did I pay the price for not taking care of business. Lesson learned I hope. All that said, it still stings to find out you've been duped behind the scenes- that while you were busy procrastinating, your live in partner fell in love and got busy making future plans with out bothering to tell you. Ouch again because really you hurt yourself on that one! Doh! Can we trust again? Should we trust again? "'Being trusting is generally a good thing,' says Greenspan. In fact, research shows that highly trusting people are not duped any more than those who are less trusting. Further, high trusters are more likely to be happy, well-adjusted, better liked, and more often sought out as friends by both low-trusting and high-trusting others... Experts agree: Intuition is often our best ally in determining whether someone is lying. But most of us don't follow our guts; we cast aside niggling doubts, often berating ourselves for being too cynical. The Exeter researchers found that people who fall for scams often suspect something is off; they just ignore it." Ok, got it. So we need to find a way to be totally honest with ourselves first and foremost and then act on it! Make the tough decision up front, or pay the price!
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Being betrayed is no joke, especially when you implicitly trusted that person. The most interesting fact, in my opinion, is "You can convince yourself to believe what you want to believe. Often, you lie to yourself more than to others." Ouch. Diving a little deeper, "When you put so much into a particular decision, you tend to selectively emphasize facts that support it and dismiss facts that dispute it. Affect enters into the process in many ways, such as falling in love." Personally, I have to own a huge avoidance factor. In truth, I was done and needing to move on. I just couldn't quite bring myself to go through the uncomfortable motions of breaking up; the "discussion" and yucky move. It was too easy to put off. Boy did I pay the price for not taking care of business. Lesson learned I hope. All that said, it still stings to find out you've been duped behind the scenes- that while you were busy procrastinating, your live in partner fell in love and got busy making future plans with out bothering to tell you. Ouch again because really you hurt yourself on that one! Doh! Can we trust again? Should we trust again? "'Being trusting is generally a good thing,' says Greenspan. In fact, research shows that highly trusting people are not duped any more than those who are less trusting. Further, high trusters are more likely to be happy, well-adjusted, better liked, and more often sought out as friends by both low-trusting and high-trusting others... Experts agree: Intuition is often our best ally in determining whether someone is lying. But most of us don't follow our guts; we cast aside niggling doubts, often berating ourselves for being too cynical. The Exeter researchers found that people who fall for scams often suspect something is off; they just ignore it." Ok, got it. So we need to find a way to be totally honest with ourselves first and foremost and then act on it! Make the tough decision up front, or pay the price!
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Listening...
Listening is hugely underrated.
According to "Isabelle Bank" in Love and Tell, Psychology Today, the most valued skill in a trusted confidant is listening. "Offers of emotional support and perspective were considered more helpful. And the most welcome response? Simply listening."
Interestingly, in a recent national study, 63% of respondents said they confided in a third party about a problem in a long term relationship. Looks like we need to spend more time listening in our relationships. :)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
According to "Isabelle Bank" in Love and Tell, Psychology Today, the most valued skill in a trusted confidant is listening. "Offers of emotional support and perspective were considered more helpful. And the most welcome response? Simply listening."
Interestingly, in a recent national study, 63% of respondents said they confided in a third party about a problem in a long term relationship. Looks like we need to spend more time listening in our relationships. :)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Perseverance...
"No one succeeds without effort... Those who succeed owe their success to perseverance." - Ramana Maharshi
"Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained." - Marie Curie
I'm a big fan of the whole "Where there's a will, there's a way" thinking. First and foremost though, intense desire and purpose would be required for this sort of determination. We're not going to persevere through just anything and maybe some people never feel this way! Maybe a chill life of enjoying a decent job and cherished loved ones is enough. We all have a right to enjoy our own particular path. Just sayin ;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
"Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained." - Marie Curie
I'm a big fan of the whole "Where there's a will, there's a way" thinking. First and foremost though, intense desire and purpose would be required for this sort of determination. We're not going to persevere through just anything and maybe some people never feel this way! Maybe a chill life of enjoying a decent job and cherished loved ones is enough. We all have a right to enjoy our own particular path. Just sayin ;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Exploration...
Ps. don't take everything I say too seriously, Lol. I'm a big psychology geek and I love to explore topics/issues/the dynamics between people. I've also been known to dramatize for effect ;) I suppose writing is my way of processing, learning, trying things on.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Monday, November 16, 2015
The shit days...
It's raining in heavy, slanted sheets, so the umbrella's useless. You sprint to your car to prevent further dampening of your clothes, when you see the yellow of a slippery parking ticket on your windshield. Shit! You went past your parking time by five f'ing minutes, costing you a minimum of $35 hard earned dollars. You suddenly hate the City of Vancouver and the darkness of this f'ing fall day. Meanwhile, the silence of your iPhone's been a constant source of sullenness because you're having a blip with your boyfriend and although clearly you both need a little time to think, it feels absolutely awful. Tears threaten to betray you as the event/conversation in question circles your mind. Add to that, a grinder of a work day because somehow your efforts just aren't landing. You realize you can't even have an adult beverage at the end of the day because you're fighting off the latest cold-flu/sore throat thing'y that's going around. I mean, come on! Really? I say fuck it! Some days you just gotta take a mental health day. When nothing's working, kick the day into tomorrow and start over ! Just sayin ;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Sunday, November 15, 2015
The meaning of life...
"Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another."
- Thomas Merton
"Each man must look to himself to teach him the meaning of life. It is not something discovered: it is something moulded."
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Two contrasting and equally compelling points of view. I suppose the meaning of life is up to each of us as individuals, but certainly life is enriched by the treasured company we keep.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
- Thomas Merton
"Each man must look to himself to teach him the meaning of life. It is not something discovered: it is something moulded."
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Two contrasting and equally compelling points of view. I suppose the meaning of life is up to each of us as individuals, but certainly life is enriched by the treasured company we keep.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Saturday, November 14, 2015
For granted or with gratitude...
"When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude."
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
Not sure why gratitude gets lost in the shuffle at times, but what a great sentiment to ponder and remember.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
Not sure why gratitude gets lost in the shuffle at times, but what a great sentiment to ponder and remember.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Friday, November 13, 2015
Blindness...
Blindness...
"Forgive yourself for the blindness that put you in the path of those who betrayed you."
- Rob Brezny
Wow... is that a powerful statement or what. At least it is for me ;) A friend of mine told me that getting past a betrayal is like peeling an onion. It doesn't happen overnight. Good to know 'cause, in truth, I've been unable to completely shake the remnants of my hard feelings :(
Blessings,
Chatgirl
"Forgive yourself for the blindness that put you in the path of those who betrayed you."
- Rob Brezny
Wow... is that a powerful statement or what. At least it is for me ;) A friend of mine told me that getting past a betrayal is like peeling an onion. It doesn't happen overnight. Good to know 'cause, in truth, I've been unable to completely shake the remnants of my hard feelings :(
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Acknowledge, accept and repeat ;)
Today I am choosing to practice some wisdom that's not easy to pull off;) I am choosing to surrender in this moment, to let go of whatever it is that I want. I am choosing to let life be and to let whatever comes, just come. I am choosing to be gracious and to allow others their choices, their needs and their priorities (even though it's not what I want). I am choosing to be ok even though my efforts are not presently paying off. I am choosing to sit in this uncocmfortable space, to focus on my task at hand and to refrain from judging "things" as good or bad. Doing this is supposedly an act self-care and self-kindness ... and actually, it does feel strangely comforting. My brain has temporarily stopped hurting, Lol ;) Just sayin' ...
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Broken record...
I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but I can't seem to stop talking about the eb and flow of life and the challenges that come our way. I know and understand that life is a roller coaster ride. I also keep writing about how the "lows" need to be accepted and embraced somehow ... probably because I am so guilty of wanting all of life to be puppy dogs and rainbows - or to quote my favourite therapist "you want everything to be sunny and sunnier"... but, alas, this is not the landscape of life. As with the four seasons, life has cycles and we have to find a way to be ok with some turbulance and not shun our perveived "bad" or unexpected experiences. Is it just me, though, or does something get lost between the brain's logic and the heart's response. Time passes, we survive and good times surely come again... but I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever get better at coping with the hard luck times. Just sayin' ;) ... but of course I'll try!
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Fair judgement vs being judgmental?...
Everyone judges. It seems almost involuntary and a good therapist will say this is purely ego. A part of us never stops judging ourselves, everyone else and everything else. So! It's universal and normal. Doesn't mean it's cool or healthy to live there though, especially if there's ill intent ;)
Gregg Henriques, Ph.D., says in Psychology Today, there are eight dynamics in considering our judgments and that being judgmental has to do with being overly critical in an problematic, harmful and/or negative way. Here are the eight dynamics:
1. The empathy dynamic - it is crucial to understand where someone is coming from; their perspective, history and experiences.
2. The value-frame dynamic - respecting that others may not share our values.
3. The power dynamic - consider the influence we have on the person we're judging and the impact of our judgment(s).
4. The person vs. situation dynamic - we should consider potential variables that may justify someone's actions, even if the behaviour may seem unreasonable or imprudent.
5. The person vs. the act dynamic - a person may demonstrate a problematic act, but that doesn't mean this defines who they are.
6. The open vs. closed dynamic - to remain open because new information
may alter the way we judge a person/situation.
7. The shallow vs. expert knowledge dynamic - we may want to be better informed, rather than make snap and/or shallow judgments.
8. The optimistic vs. pessimistic dynamic - a balance of both is probably best.
So there you have it. If we're making fair judgments, rather than being judgmental, we're probably carefully considering all sorts of relevant stuff before digging into the negative... something most of us can probably work a little harder at :)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Gregg Henriques, Ph.D., says in Psychology Today, there are eight dynamics in considering our judgments and that being judgmental has to do with being overly critical in an problematic, harmful and/or negative way. Here are the eight dynamics:
1. The empathy dynamic - it is crucial to understand where someone is coming from; their perspective, history and experiences.
2. The value-frame dynamic - respecting that others may not share our values.
3. The power dynamic - consider the influence we have on the person we're judging and the impact of our judgment(s).
4. The person vs. situation dynamic - we should consider potential variables that may justify someone's actions, even if the behaviour may seem unreasonable or imprudent.
5. The person vs. the act dynamic - a person may demonstrate a problematic act, but that doesn't mean this defines who they are.
6. The open vs. closed dynamic - to remain open because new information
may alter the way we judge a person/situation.
7. The shallow vs. expert knowledge dynamic - we may want to be better informed, rather than make snap and/or shallow judgments.
8. The optimistic vs. pessimistic dynamic - a balance of both is probably best.
So there you have it. If we're making fair judgments, rather than being judgmental, we're probably carefully considering all sorts of relevant stuff before digging into the negative... something most of us can probably work a little harder at :)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Monday, November 9, 2015
The "list" and setting the bar...
I think we all have a "list" for a potential partner. I overhear much debate around the topic. Are we "settling" or are we setting our standards unrealistically high? Which is it?
I love this quote: "I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times just to be sure." - Anonymous
I love this quote because it helps me laugh about my own romantic mishaps. I think I've had more experiences than I would have wished - kind of a Goldilocks path to Mr Right. One was too this, and the other not enough of that etc. Ugh. All said and done, I was lucky enough to benefit from some great wisdom and advice from a few people; a relationship expert/seminar leader, trusted psychologist and life coach.
In summary, here is some great advice for us:
* Make a really biggest list, with great specifics. Know the deal breakers - things we can't live with and things we can't live without. Be really honest with ourselves about this! Forever is a long time when we're "living" with things that don't really fit.
* Think about how we want to feel in the ideal relationship.
* Think about how we want to be treated (and about how we want to treat someone else).
* Above all, have our own backs. Be true to ourselves and make sure we acknowledge when our boundaries are being crossed. Know when we're being disrespected.
* Speak up about what we want/need. Make requests about what we need/want because nobody can read our minds :)
I wish for us all ... bliss in love. xo
Blessings,
Chatgirl
I love this quote: "I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times just to be sure." - Anonymous
I love this quote because it helps me laugh about my own romantic mishaps. I think I've had more experiences than I would have wished - kind of a Goldilocks path to Mr Right. One was too this, and the other not enough of that etc. Ugh. All said and done, I was lucky enough to benefit from some great wisdom and advice from a few people; a relationship expert/seminar leader, trusted psychologist and life coach.
In summary, here is some great advice for us:
* Make a really biggest list, with great specifics. Know the deal breakers - things we can't live with and things we can't live without. Be really honest with ourselves about this! Forever is a long time when we're "living" with things that don't really fit.
* Think about how we want to feel in the ideal relationship.
* Think about how we want to be treated (and about how we want to treat someone else).
* Above all, have our own backs. Be true to ourselves and make sure we acknowledge when our boundaries are being crossed. Know when we're being disrespected.
* Speak up about what we want/need. Make requests about what we need/want because nobody can read our minds :)
I wish for us all ... bliss in love. xo
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Sunday, November 8, 2015
Goodness if possible...
"Have courage and be kind"
- Cinderella movie ;)
I don't want to sound preachy, but I think these are such beautiful words to live by... if possible. Just sayin'...
Blessings,
Chatgirl
- Cinderella movie ;)
I don't want to sound preachy, but I think these are such beautiful words to live by... if possible. Just sayin'...
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Feeling grumpy?...
Feeling grumpy?...
"I love food. I'm a complete foodie. I love to cook. I find it hard to say no to food. I get grumpy if I don't get food."
- Stephen Hunter
Okay, I don't actually know who Stephen Hunter is and I wouldn't call myself a foodie (though I love good food for sure), I just think his quote is hilarious. I read through a whole ream of quotes and actually they're all funny. There's something refreshing about reading each person's specific little pet peeve. We all have our little annoyances and I think that's A-Okay ;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
"I love food. I'm a complete foodie. I love to cook. I find it hard to say no to food. I get grumpy if I don't get food."
- Stephen Hunter
Okay, I don't actually know who Stephen Hunter is and I wouldn't call myself a foodie (though I love good food for sure), I just think his quote is hilarious. I read through a whole ream of quotes and actually they're all funny. There's something refreshing about reading each person's specific little pet peeve. We all have our little annoyances and I think that's A-Okay ;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Friday, November 6, 2015
Procrastination...
Fun topic, right? Lol;)... not really, but here's some comforting information.
"90% of college students procrastinate. Of these students, 25% are chronic procrastinators and they are usually the ones who end up dropping out of college. Perfectionism is a prime cause for procrastination because demanding perfection usually results in failure. Unrealistic expectations destroy self-esteem and lead to self-repudiation, self-contempt, and widespread unhappiness. To overcome procrastination, it is essential to recognize and accept the power of failure without condemning, to stop focusing on faults and flaws and to set goals that are easier to achieve."
- Compliments of Psychologist William J. Knaus
I don't know about you, but this makes me feel a whole lot better about the things I tend to put off! If 90% of students procrastinate and 25% drop out because of it, then we're talking about a pretty normal, universal phenomenon... not to say that we can't work on it though, right? I like the idea of setting easier goals :) ... so we can feel like we're succeeding and accomplishing things rather than the opposite. Just sayin' ;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
"90% of college students procrastinate. Of these students, 25% are chronic procrastinators and they are usually the ones who end up dropping out of college. Perfectionism is a prime cause for procrastination because demanding perfection usually results in failure. Unrealistic expectations destroy self-esteem and lead to self-repudiation, self-contempt, and widespread unhappiness. To overcome procrastination, it is essential to recognize and accept the power of failure without condemning, to stop focusing on faults and flaws and to set goals that are easier to achieve."
- Compliments of Psychologist William J. Knaus
I don't know about you, but this makes me feel a whole lot better about the things I tend to put off! If 90% of students procrastinate and 25% drop out because of it, then we're talking about a pretty normal, universal phenomenon... not to say that we can't work on it though, right? I like the idea of setting easier goals :) ... so we can feel like we're succeeding and accomplishing things rather than the opposite. Just sayin' ;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Thriving with humour and style...
"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humour, and some style."
- Maya Angelou
Am I the only geek who's in love with inspiring quotes, Lol ;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
- Maya Angelou
Am I the only geek who's in love with inspiring quotes, Lol ;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
The perfection handcuffs...
The software world is pretty ingenious in more ways than one. Not only has technology changed the world we live in, but they have also tackled issues around perfection. We want everything to be just so and we don't want to put things "out there" until we're satisfied. In the software world, however, they realized that they'd never launch a product if they waited for it to be "perfect"... and so we have versions of software, iPhones, iPads etc. Pretty smart, right? We can enjoy the features that are available now and then upgrade to the new ones when they're ready. I think this can apply to our lives as well. Maybe we can be happy with what we're creating and realize that we can continue improving along the way, whether it's our golf swing, painting, novel in the works etc. Perfection can be a moving target, as we learn, grow, become more proficient anyway:) Could really take the pressure off, right? Just sayin' ;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Positive or negative?...
I read a great article on positivity vs negativity, or glass half full vs glass half empty. It was interesting to hear that neither one is considered smart or superior. The author (psychologist) of the article explained that both are merely strategies for coping with what comes our way. If we are too positive, we may crash when things go awry. By the same token, if we're too negative we run the risk of the old self-fulfilling prophecy. Personally, I'm a big fat marshmallow head. No matter what happens, my re-set seems to slide down over to the positive. To each his own though, right? There just may be some hard wiring at play. Just sayin ;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Monday, November 2, 2015
Helping...
"We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone."
- Ronald Reagan
I'm a sucker for this kind of thinking. I just think the world could be a better place. Naive, perhaps ;) ? I'm okay with that.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
- Ronald Reagan
I'm a sucker for this kind of thinking. I just think the world could be a better place. Naive, perhaps ;) ? I'm okay with that.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Supporting a friend...
When someone you care about is going through a hard time, what do you do? ... Listen, obviously. What else? From what I can gather, just being there so the person doesn't feel so alone may be enough. How about when someone is on a path that that you worry about? You just don't get the sense that this person is truly happy, let alone fulfilled. You know how everyone tells you they didn't like your boyfriend/girlfriend until after you've broken up? Yeah, I'm speaking about that sort of situation. You just can't wrap your head around what your friend is doing/who they're "with." What to do? Well... I still say, people seem to need to make their own decisions and learn their own lessons in their own good time. So probably we need to just listen and be there and respect that person and their path. Just sayin' :)
Blessings
Chatgirl
Blessings
Chatgirl
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