Expectations vs reality...

Psychology talks a lot about expectations. Expectations can very much dictate how we feel - and a lot of disappointments come from the discrepancy between what we hope for and what life actually brings. I guess we're supposed to remain totally open and just let things happen. Well, good luck with that... easier said than done. I think we get caught up in "stuff", and we tend to want a certain outcome... Is there any solution or fix to this conundrum? I don't know... we're only human, we get "involved" and the left turns can be kinda hard to swallow. As time passes, maybe we can see the reality as a good thing, or a blessing, sure. But let's be honest, the roller coaster ride can be surprising to say the least and in the end, we have no choice but to try and be gracious about the whole thing. Hoping for a certain outcome is probably emotional suicide because we have so little control - and truly, some of life's "surprises" can be profoundly great in the end! So! What's what? Who really knows... seems like we just have to hold on tight, chill and have a sense of humour on our very personal journeys;). Just sayin!

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Summer - yay!

My favourite time of year ;)

In the spirit of summer, here are some tangible benefits for us sun worshippers,  according to The Huffington Post:

It's the time to let loose! We're wearing almost no clothes and basking in glorious warmth. The sun is great for our mood and our soul... AND here are some blah blah blah notable health points to keep us on track, Lol ;)...

1. It's vacation time! which naturally eases our stress and improves our mood (even after returning to work). Vacations actually protect us from heart disease and heart attacks believe it or not! And hopefully we're coming back to work more motivated!
2. Fewer heart attacks! People are 26 - 36 % more likely to die from a heart attack, stroke or heart failure during winter - but we still need to pay attention to regular exercise and good nutrition all year. Duh;) !
3. Summer brings a good "healthy" sweat! Good sweat supposedly helps fight infection because the sweat helps keep skin clear of gross stuff! ;)
4. Let's talk strawberries, blueberries, raspberries and watermelon which are total super foods, loaded with antioxidants, vitamins and low calories. Blueberries actually lower cholesterol, so that's cool!
5. Swimming is a rock star form of exercise because it uses all of our muscle groups and it's like no impact. Swimming is also great for the important kind of overall strength and you can probably still do it even if you're injured. (My favourite form of exercise!)

Okay, enough blah, blah, blah. Spring and summer are for fun, flings and frolicking! Enjoy!

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The friend zone...

I love the movie Just Friends with Ryan Reynolds! As a woman, it's very interesting to see what goes on for men behind the scenes (I know this is only a movie, but still, it's so entertaining to watch the romantic complications and dynamics;)). In the movie, Ryan Reynolds' character (Chris Brander) remains in love with his female best friend from high school. Fast forward ten years, he's gone from the fat kid with braces to total rock star music Exec... and yet he reverts back to his high school alter ego as soon as he runs into the hot girl from grad class. I never gave guy "friends" much thought until this movie... I think it's different for women. We tend to send most guys off to friend land without even thinking about it. According to the movie, a guys's gotta get in there and declare romantic intentions but quick - a kiss or something to prevent the woman from sliding dude into friend territory. Anyhow, I just think it's a really interesting phenomenon that I had absolutely no awareness around in high school and ever since really... until the awesome Just Friends movie with the totally fun to watch Ryan Reynolds. Go Vancouver success story! ... and I guess, guys - if you "want" a girl, go for it. Good things come to those who try... with one disclaimer though - be sure the girl is at least somewhat attracted to you, or it could totally suck, Lol;) ... try asking for "alone" time with her or see what happens if you get into her personal space. It these moves fall flat, you might need to move on! ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl        

Losing people .. :(

Is it just me, or does it really suck to lose people. I mean, it's totally great when people chase their dreams and move to a new country for cool opportunities or love... (not so great losing people because of a break up!)... but great connections don't come along every day and so losing some of the special ones is a tough deal. What are you gonna do?!... we're all so mobile these days and with internet dating and job searching, odds are we're going to keep losing people. I don't know if there's a fate thing involved, or chance or what have you, but I guess I have to put my big girl pants on and get used to the idea. There are a lot of sayings out there like "sometimes you have to let something go, to make room for something better"... okay, well I'll do my best to focus on that;) ... but boo hoo anyway! Just sayin'.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Make no apologies...

To be selfish or not to be selfish;)? That is the question, Lol;) It's not easy juggling our needs and wants with the needs and wants of our loved ones, factoring in work and all we need to get done in life. How much should we do out of duty and obligation? No easy answers there. All I can say though is this - if guilt and manipulation are part of the program, life can be a real grind. It would be great if we all had the skills to discuss, navigate and negotiate so we can actually choose to do thing things we do. There would be a lot more joy and graciousness in our daily lives. I've been learning to say no more recently. It's not at all easy to let someone down... but our happiness may well hinge on the need to honour our deepest needs and wants. Just sayin! ;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Reality vs fantasy...

Does reality ever live up to the height of our fantasies I wonder? Sex and relationship experts will caution against the whole "grass is greener" and pursuit of the ultimate "experience" out there. I guess you never know until you try, but when it comes to staying or bailing on a partner, therapists say that new and exciting prospects don't tend to live up to the hype in our heads. On the other hand, sometimes leaving is the right thing to do. It just may take a while before something better actually materializes, and for real. The perfect cut and paste partner is not so easy to find, in my experience. It seems like we trade some great qualities and compatibilities for a few others, while still missing some key line up factors. I really envy people who have found their ideal match/soulmate/passionate companion. Is it luck, fate, excellent and discerning choices? Humbled and curious to know...

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Tangling with bullies...

I was watching Jersey Boys last night and the Tony DeVito character has me thinking about the bullies in our lives. Some of those bullies can be immediate family, friends, bosses, colleagues, random strangers. The closer they are to us, the more complicated obviously. I've encountered more than my fair share of this personality type and it's no joke. Drawing boundaries with people like this is all but impossible because they pull out the anger/violence/attack card. There can be no winning. These people seem incapable of managing their emotions and reactions and tend to leave quite a wake. I'm not a fan of conflict to begin with, so I tend to cower or run from people like this. When forced to deal with them, I've tended to go for the diffuse strategy or play dead, Lol. ;) On some level, I feel sorry for these people because they don't seem to realize how much they're in their own way... and maybe we're born and raised in a way that sets us up anyway. How successful are we at changing our personalities over the years? Maybe we shave a little here or there, smooth a couple of edges, but we're pretty much set as we are. Case in point, I don't think I'll ever escape my fast-forward nature, which leaves me impatient and frustrated far too often. Just sayin:)

Blessings,

Chatigirl.

The price of engaging...

One would think as we got older, we would be wiser and more capable of "dealing." This does not seem to be the case... I keep talking to people who tell me they shy away more and more as time goes by. We get involved, with all hope and optimism... and then things go left for one reason or another. It feels like a post traumatic stress syndrome type of situation as we age. We've been through more. We have some idea about what could be coming next and it can be f--cking scary. A lot of people say they even know they're shut down, but would rather protect themselves than risk any further mess  - wether it's trying a new entrepreneurial venture, asking a girl out, speaking up about something troublesome. Sometimes the potential for an unwanted result just isn't worth the effort or risk. On other hand, what is the cost of not engaging? .... Personally, I seem kind of incapable of holding back most of the time. If I feel compelled, something in me needs to act. Do I get hurt or disappointed? Do I end up looking foolish or weak? Hell yeah... there are a few ego deaths along the way, but at least I tried;) ... so I keep telling myself, Lol.  Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The illusion of control...

I love the line Nicole Kidman's character says to Tom Cruise's character in Days of Thunder - "Control is an illusion, you infantile egomaniac." Yeah, so...  pretty much, we have little control in life. We certainly cannot control the economy, the people in our lives (try as we might), the 1% situation etc. etc... I think what's even scarier is not being in control of our own lives. Am I the only one who could use a few take-backs? Honestly, I find myself doing things sometimes and then wish I had kept my mouth shut or I had declined to engage in some less than stellar dynamic with someone! But I guess we cannot possibly know what's coming or what the outcome might be to our actions. It's pretty humbling and sometimes humiliating in hindsight... !! I think we all need some get out of jail cards!!

Just sayin;) !

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The burden of emotion...

I don't wanna be a whiny girl, but can I just say that being a woman can bring with it the burden of emotional response. Experts on the differences between men and women give due attention. Allison Armstrong in particular talks about how pretty much everything hits females via an emotional centre. We have to feel first and then we're be able to think rationally, make sense of things and act with some logic factored in. Of course every woman is different and some women may be incredibly logical and rational. Personally speaking, I'm kind of a blend ... but bring on relationship circumstances or anything extremely personal and I'm gonna be behind the emotional eight ball. It kinda sucks to be honest. Just once I wish I could channel my inner male, put emotion aside and focus on work, sports, beer, whatever. Total dude envy, Lol. You guys are lucky!

Just sayin;) !

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Living with stress...

We are living in different times, that's for sure. It seems that most of us are living under a veil of significant stress on a ongoing basis; staying in a flat or bad marriage for the kids, caring for aging parents who are too healthy to go into a home, but not healthy enough to be independent and leave our freedom and quality of life intact, extreme work demands and/or financial woes (which pretty much goes without saying, if you live in Vancouver like I do, where real estate and living expenses continue to fire off into the stratosphere)... and then there's the day-to-day crap. So, shit! We're dealing with very big issues and daily mishaps - it's no wonder we drink, eat, party and escape into shows and whatever else we can find to numb the pain!!

A good friend of mine always talks about balance. Gotta find the balance in life to make up for the challenges we face he says. I guess what constitutes balance is up to the individual. Where is the reprieve from the weight of our world? Personally, I turn to passionate pursuits and exercise (and just a wee bit of drinking, Lol;)). The people I care about will always be my saving grace. Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

What are we doing?

What are we doing?

I wonder.... what have I been up to and why? How have I been making my decisions?? If you're like me, you take stock every now and again and ponder... am I where I want to be? Am I in a good relationship? Have I ever truly been in love? Does true love even exist or will we have to compromise in all of our relationships when the honeymoon wears off? If we've failed in our careers or relationships, we can be particularly hard on ourselves and wonder "what the f--k?" Where did I go wrong? What the hell have I been choosing and why?? With numerous job or partner changes, one has to wonder. Am I a commitment phobe? Do I give up too easily? Or have I chosen badly at the outset?

Well, I guess there's no easy answer. Helping professionals will usually trace our crap to early childhood issues. For example, growing up with parents who don't like each other isn't exactly gonna bode well for relationship modelling and if that's what we grew up with, any relationship we get into is gonna seem pretty sweet compared to that. So we can end up on a trial and error path because we actually have no idea what love is. What we experienced growing up was not love and so we don't know what we're aiming for. A very wise therapist said to me "some things are just our legacy. We cannot change the circumstances we were born into. We just have to do our best to manage what we've inherited." Well that's a pretty cool way of looking at things and it lets us off the hook somewhat. I like that:) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The big fat betrayal

I've read enough psychology and self-help books to know that most of us have at one time or another been cheated on and we've most likely been unfaithful to some degree ourselves. These truths may never come out, but deep down, we know how honourable we've been, or not... and if not, we may have to carry a bit of guilt around for the rest of our lives, which sucks big time.

How about the big fat betrayal though?... this is another matter entirely. I envy you if you've never been faced with one of these... I have and I can tell you, wow, this leaves no flesh wound. The full on, affair behind your back, potentially in front of your friends, and/or with someone from your inner circle... the lying and cheating, while you're shopping, cooking and cleaning up a storm. Right, we'll f--k me! This causes some serious internal bleeding, much soul searching and a thorough examination of past decision making. People may say, "well, the guy's a piece of crap and it's about him, not you"... but again, I do believe we all need to be accountable for what happens in our lives - and even if we're betrayed or let down by someone, we're a part of it and we have to own something in it... so, what do I own? Believe me, this is not easy to do and I'd like to shove a whole lot of blame onto the dude who brought my emotional house down to a pile of rubble. In the end though, I managed to uncover some lifelong insecurities and be the better for it. Not that I like or feel very highly about buddy who screwed me over... but at least I'm living large now and feeling a renewed sense of freedom and security within. This is feeling like a surprisingly meaningful and rewarding gift. Would I wish this on anyone else? Hell no!... but we're all going to face some heavy shit in life, so I guess we better "man up" on courage, perseverance and stick together! :) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Unconditional love...

Is there anything better than unconditional love? I don't think so. That's why animals are so precious. Personally, I'm like the puppy that keeps jumping up, despite the shove off ;) What can I say - I don't seem to wanna grow up, Lol ;) Interesting thing is ... I'm pretty sure we all want unconditional love out there - but do we give it?? I have found myself guilty of judgment. I have certainly found myself guilty of silliness and games, (at least privately - ego death! Lol) when facing "rejection" or when I'm not getting what I want. I work on being more adult about these things, but oops! There's that child like thing again. Having said that, I do strive to accept what comes in life. Particularly, when single and dating, there is much potential for nonsense. I think it takes a very "stable" person to stand on two feet, participate and at the same time know that real connections just happen or not! Whether things "line up" or not seems up the ether ;) I'll keep telling myself that!

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Who are you?

Who are we? I think we spend our lives trying to figure this out. We try things on for size and see if they fit. We do this with dates and potential partners, perhaps with career, maybe substances or places to live. Beyond that, we may explore character traits and behaviours. A classic for women is the madonna/whore complex. This has been of particular interest to me, coming from an extremely conservative upbringing. With a father literally "armed" if boys came to the house, there was little room for exploration, if you know what I mean;) Needless to say, being a "good girl" seemed like the only option. Interestingly enough, this still very much suits. Though I love being curious and open, I am a bit of a country girl at heart... only, I'm actually hugely urban and not exactly fond of camping, unless there's a trailer with a shower and power outlet for my hair dryer and computer/Netfilx, Lol! But seriously, what's the mid-life crisis all about anyway.... double checking on who we've turned into? Just sayin;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

I'm ok... or am I?

I'm ok... or am I?

Are we really ok? How many people have no self worth issues, I wonder? And are self worth issues not at the root of most relationship challenges? Truly, aren't we still looking for "recognition" and acceptance, no matter what age we're at? Obviously some people are more "complete" and content with themselves than others... but I bet deep down we still have a need to be liked and appreciated. Part of being human I guess... personally, it seems that no matter how much how much I accomplish or succeed at, deep down I manage to remain the child that needs to be seen, heard, noticed, counted... important. Regardless of all the therapy and self-help in the world, yoga, great overall health, well-balanced life, enviable support system... I still yearn for the kind of meaningful and fulfilling connection that makes life worth living and makes me feel like I matter.

How 'bout you?

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Child like...

On some level we remain children, don't we. I read somewhere in one of my psychology references that a man yelling is the equivalent of a baby crying. I think that is incredibly interesting. We want what we want and that never seems to change. We just present it with more "professionalism" or "adult-ness" as we get older (hopefully ;))  ... but really, we want what we want and "the heart wants what the heart wants." Currently I am struggling with not getting what I want in a couple of areas  ... but I will persevere because I like to believe that something good is just around the corner:)

Hang in there with me. Let's not give up on whatever our hearts desire. Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Stand up and be counted...

Okay then! I've been challenged to be more present in my writing... so here goes;)!

We're born "innocent". We're eager, curious and more honest than imaginable. (i.e. "Mummy, why doesn't that man have any legs?", right in front of the poor guy. Ouch!). Then our parents "raise" us and tailor us into submission. We get to school and our "peers" further "shape" us into shutting parts of ourselves down... and before you know it, we become and present a version of ourselves to the world. The rest of our "self" sits quietly in the background somewhere. Hmmm... and I guess we bring those parts of ourselves to the table in the safety and warmth of close friends and perhaps family, if we're lucky enough to feel comfortable there.

So! Personally speaking, it has been quite the journey finding my way back "home". It's kinda like having to re-learn how to be completely comfortable expressing one's truth or one's unique self-expression. It's all the more complex being extremely extroverted and yet deeply shy when it counts!

For what it's worth;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The waiting...

Ah yes, the waiting. We spend a lot of time there, don't we... uncomfortable time.. We anxiously await news - boy or girl, test results on whether there's a serious medical condition or not, school grades, did we get the job, is he going to call, did we get the apartment/house, is one of us going to call the dead relationship what it is?.. and on and on. How do we get through all the waiting? Is there anything more anxiety causing and exhausting?! How do we do it?!

Well, we have no choice I suppose. Life serves up a new "one" and we have to hold it in the air, patiently as we can, and survive whatever the outcome may be. We do survive though and whether we can see it at the time, there may be a richness in these experiences. The Art of Happiness talks about these experiences as being a means of connecting with others. There's no question, we reach out for each other in fearful times of need. For example- apparently, we've never talked more about money in society. Most people are in the same boat post-2008 and we're sharing our stories of woe with one another in a new way. Maybe that's a bigger blessing than we know. Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Daily setbacks...

Is it just me, or is life very much like eating scrambled eggs with unexpected and sometimes shocking bits of egg shell. No question, life can be fantastic and magical. Then, almost guaranteed, you have to brace yourself and boom - life deals a head on collision or side swipe. I love thrills; roller coaster rides, sky diving, white water river rafting, driving fast, and I laugh and have a good old time. Why is it then that life's ups and downs can be so upsetting, devastating, anxiety causing, frightening and even crushing? Why is it that knowing and even expecting there will be scary, difficult and disappointing times, each and every time is still a new challenge?

Well, all the wisdom in the world offers assistance in many forms and some of that even helps... inevitably though, it seems we must face each step of our journey with new courage. Maybe all we can expect of ourselves is to hold on tight, weather each small or large storm and be the better for it. And hey, these times always make for the best of stories, don't they? ;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Passionate will...

"The mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled."

- Plutarch

As the old expression says, "where there's a will, there's a way". I wish us all the path to meaning, satisfaction and fulfillment that may come from our very personal and burning desires. Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Moral Compass...

"When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion."

- Abraham Lincoln

How simple that sounds ;) Wise man!

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Curiosity...

"The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend."

- Abraham Lincoln

A wise friend of mine says "always remain curious - if we can inquire and find out where people are coming from, we should be able to diffuse any situation." Being curious rather than "reactionary" seems pretty smart;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Life compass...

Mind over matter, go "inward", "do not resist", trust our gut instinct? The leaders and helping professionals of our time have much advice for us on how to achieve success at work, in relationships and with ourselves. Is it just me, or does some of this go in one ear and out the other at times? Try as we might, there are times when no amount of advice can solve our inner turmoil. We want something that inexplicably eludes us, or try as we might, we just can't change a relationship dynamic and it's not clear what we need to do? Even with coaching, therapy, yoga, journaling, what have you, the unknown stares us down. When things go "wrong" we can humbly conduct our post-mortem and learn our "lessons", but the future always brings new and challenging scenarios to navigate - and our life experience to date doesn't necessarily prepare us for a winning strategy or outcome.

So! What's the "answer"? James Van Praagh, Huffington Post says...

"I always find that the more one knows about themselves and their place in the world, the easier the choice. One must make a choice that is best for their 'highest good'... Before making any major choice in life, I gift myself with time to sit and contemplate. I bring myself into a meditative state and bring myself into the stillness of that silence. It is in that silence that one communicates with their soul's needs and understandings."

Meditation isn't for everyone, but knowing oneself and determining our purpose and/or what we're wanting and needing to accomplish in life seems like a worthy focus.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Family history...

"We all grow up with the weight of history on us. Our ancestors dwell in the attics of our brains as they do in the spiralling chains of knowledge hidden in every cell of our bodies."

- Shirley Abbott

Therapy typically delves into that "attic" and the thinking is that we are very much where we come from. In many ways, we are at the mercy of hereditary patterns, as repetitive patterns of behaviour can be clearly identified in families.

So! What do we do about it, if anything? I guess if we don't want to repeat potentially harmful behaviour patterns with our own children, we may have to investigate our family issues and do things differently than our ancestors did? This is a comforting thought for those of us who have come from less than loving family dynamics.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Wise words...

"Whatever you are, be a good one."

- Abraham Lincoln

Words to live by:)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Wisdom...

"Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

- Abraham Lincoln

I wish us the ability to embrace and live this wisdom. Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Open mind...

"What I've found about it is that there are some folks you can talk to until you're blue in the face - they're never going to get it and they're never going to change. But every once in a while, you'll run into someone who is eager to listen, eager to learn, and willing to try new things."

- Tyler Perry

May we all have an open mind and experience the new and exciting:)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Size matters ... or does it? ;)

"A 2008 study in the Journal of Health Psychology pinpoints anxiety over penis size as one of the most pressing worries weighing on the male mind. Thirty percent of men participating in a study conducted by King's College in London felt inadequately equipped... The truth is, most men don't have anything to worry about (or to be proud of). Only 2 % [of men] have what's considered abnormally large or small genitals."

- Newsweek Special Edition, Science of Sex

Okay then. ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Woman and sex...

"Only 7 % of women are able to orgasm through intercourse alone, according to Kim Wallen, professor of psychology and behavioural neuroendocrinology at Emory University. He says physiology dictates that women need extra help to climax during sex."

- Newsweek Special Edition, Science of Sex

Let's hope lots of men are reading this, Lol ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl