Mentally mature enough?

Before you argue with someone, ask yourself, is that person even mentally mature enough to grasp the concept of different perspectives? 

Because if not, there’s absolutely no point. 

— Amber Veal 

I don’t know about you, but I found the pandemic very polarizing. I ended up telling people I didn’t want to talk about vaccination anymore, because the topic felt similar to politics and religion. We seemed to settle into our beliefs, based on whatever information we’d been exposed to. But as we all know, there is vast amounts of information, often contradictory, on line these days. I was raised to respectfully agree to disagree, and I think I usually do, but I struggled with certain perspectives during the challenging 3 years we all endured. I think we coped pretty admirably actually. Just sayin’:) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Being present will heal you…

The practice of staying present will heal you. 

Obsessing about how the future will turn out creates anxiety. Replaying broken scenarios from the past causes anger or sadness. 

Stay here, in this moment.  

— s. mcnutt

Great reminder. I believe in the reprieve of living in the moment, but I seem to forget to do it, a LOT! Just sayin’ Lol ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Pleasing others to achieve safety?…

Making boundaries can feel impossible as a trauma survivor. Interpersonal abuse can teach you that disappointing others is dangerous, and pleasing others (at all costs) is the only way to achieve safety.

— Unknown 

This explains a lot. I grew up in a pretty scary environment, and learned to duck for cover early on. My sister rebelled straight up and faced a lot of backlash (and some violence, which was hard to watch), and my brother did what he wanted, knowing the shit would hit the fan regardless. I was the youngest and felt that going along to get along was the safest route. I think this strategy served me pretty well at home, as I avoided the worst of it. As I got older, however, I settled into a chameleon’ish approach to relationships, trying to minimize conflict and friction. Needless to say, this did not serve my relationships, as I denied parts of myself. I was so set against anger that I handicapped myself and my relationships. Fortunately my ex husband forced therapy on us both, which set me on a brilliant path in life and love. Thank you ex! Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl   

Staying longer than you should have…

Trauma keeps you in a loop of your past. You’ll be 25 with an 8 year old mindset & thought process. That’s why you people please, or overextend yourself or stay places longer than you should have. Your inner child is screaming saying “finally someone loves me”. 

— Kelsie LeAnn, PsyD

Makes me feel better about dragging my heels in my past, mismatched relationships. I’m very grateful to have landed on a healing journey (because of an ex!), and on the road to my true love. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Making the best of things…

The happiest people don’t have the best of everything, 

they just make  the best of everything.

— Unknown 

Some of the happiest people I know seem to have a ton of fun, keeping life simple with their families at the park, having BBQ’s, plaything badminton or bocce ball, or even going to church. I come from an Italian family and everything is centred around food and sense of community. Most of my relatives are living long and healthy lives, so maybe they’re onto something. (Ps. I’ve developed a taste for the finer things, but I am aware of the pit falls of chasing more, so tempering my goals and expectations). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Those who make you feel at home…

The right people will find you. They will speak to you differently. They will inspire you. They will motivate you. They will help you heal. Help you learn new things about yourself. Discover the deeper parts within. The right people will do this to you. They will make you feel at home. And you will never have to worry about them saying good-bye. You will know who they are. 

— r.m. drake  

If I could go back in time, I would tell my younger self exactly that. I remember learning that we tend to gravitate to the familiar, to what we know, to what feels comfortable, good and bad. My pattern was choosing attentive and engaged partners, who, unfortunately had a controlling, angry under belly (similar to my father. Yikes). I fell into this pattern one last time, and then finally embarked on a much healthier relationship with someone kind, patient, accommodating and genius at communicating toward a win-win outcome. This relationship was as a step in the right direction and I met the love of my life next. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Leaving what isn’t healthy…

When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits— anything that kept me small. My judgment called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.

— Unknown 

In a way, I owe my ex’s for my new and improved life. The painful break ups made me realize I’d rather be alone than be in a mismatched relationship. Compromise is one thing, but irreconcilable differences are a back breaker. If I could go back and talk to my younger self, I would tell her to be patient, to spend the necessary time figuring out the must have’s (affection for example) and deal breakers (neat freak vs messy person), and hold out for someone who fits beautifully into your life and lifestyle. Just saying’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

What is right, rather than who is right…

Discussions are always better than arguments because an argument is to find out who is right, 

and a discussion is to find out what is right.

— Unknown 

I am very grateful to have ended up on a healing journey. I don’t know that it would have occurred to me to upgrade my relationships skills if I hadn’t been trying to save my marriage. So, forever thank you to my ex for insisting on therapy for myself and for us as a couple. Game changer. I now enjoy a very peaceful, fun, romantic, loving and fulfilling relationship. Yay. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

People can’t give you what they can’t give themselves…

Sometimes people can’t reciprocate because they can’t give you what they can’t give themselves. 

Those who are at war with themselves can’t give you peace.  

Those who betray themselves can’t give you loyalty.

Those who lie to themselves can’t give you honesty.

See them as they are, not who you wish them to be.

— @mindtendencies2

Being completely honest with myself was a game changer. I gave myself permission to like the things I like (movies/binge worthy streamer shows, fitness, swimming in the sun, music, shopping, animals, travelling to warm destinations, hanging with good friends, cooking sometimes), and to not like things I don’t like (hiking, camping, anything in cold weather, negativity, drama, toxicity, beach and sports over museums and musicals). This led to the love of my life and easy, pretty perfect relationship. This also led to a more focused work ethic in my career and life altering financial freedom. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

How to keep a relationship…

• Communicate. Talk about things, good and bad. 
• Build trust. Be honest. Be faithful. Be there for one another.
• Make time for one another. 
• Leave the past to the past. 
• Know that arguments are normal. 
• Know that you won’t always be happy.
• Expect change. 
• Appreciate the flaws. 
• Appreciate each other. Become best friends. 
• Lastly, love each other unconditionally.

— Unknown 

I’ve learned that there are two disclaimers (from all the therapy and coaching!); the match has to be pretty aligned (deal breakers/irreconcilable differences were relationship killers for me), and both people have to be accountable, and open learning new/better relationship skills. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

I hope you grow into saying…

• I don’t know how I feel, but I’m not okay.
• I can’t do this on my own. Please help me. 
• I need more time to decide.
• This doesn’t feel right for me. 
• I feel uncomfortable.
• I took on more than I can handle.
• Earlier, I said I was okay; I’m actually not okay.
• The other day, I was bothered by something that happened between us. 

— @nedratawwab.com

After numerous relationship/communication workshops and much intense therapy, I’ve learned that issue-resolving communication takes practice. And a willing, accountable partner who also wants to learn and grow. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Outgrow a dysfunctional family…

• Don’t attempt to fix your family, focus on yourself
• Focus on your individual relationships, you won’t fix theirs 
• Distance yourself at first, then fix in only two ways. Rebuild the relationship, or bye-bye.
• Remember: Being your relatives doesn’t give them a license to be assholes
• There is nothing wrong in renouncing a toxic or abusive family

— GeorgeAlonso.com (Transcending Anxiety with George Alonso. “Anxiety symptoms must be along the top 5 searches in Google. And it makes sense. We are currently living an alarming pandemic of depression…And make no mistake: Anxiety will only get worse with time.”)

Apparently, children who grow up in dysfunctional families are at risk of developing mental illness, which can result in long-term health issues, such as depression and anxiety. For me, healing has been a two pronged approach (in order to achieve my goal of having a healthy relationship); address past trauma and learn new relationship/communication skills. It’s hard work, but it’s worth it. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

If you only carry one thing throughout your life…

If you only carry one thing throughout your entire life, let it be hope. Let it be hope that better things are always ahead. Let it be hope that you can get through even the toughest of times. Let it be hope that you are stronger than any challenges that come your way. Let it be hope that you are exactly where you are meant to be right now, and that you are on the path to where you are meant to be… Because during these times, hope will be the very thing that carries you through.

— Nikki Banas

This tends to be my philosophy as well. I am, and always have been, an optimist to a fault. I’ve been challenged the last few years, however; escalating cost of living, the wars, climate change, the various pandemic fall outs (including people getting sick, sick again and then sick again this past respiratory season), political polarization etc. Having said that, feeling positive and hopeful has always made me feel better, so I’ll strive to get back there. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Requirements, not expectations…

I’m at the point in my life where I no longer have expectations, I have requirements.

Respect my time. Match my effort. Keep your word. 

Always be honest. Stay consistent.

Those are my requirements, not expectations.

Requirements. 

— Unknown 

I came to a similar conclusion after my last, humiliating, break up (he cheated with someone from our inner circle. Ouch and yuck). It was my fault too, because in truth I was done the final year of our four years together. I just couldn’t face being single. I wasn’t convinced a better relationship was out there. But in the end, I realized I’d rather be alone than endure near irreconcilable differences. I could have prevented a painful ending for us both. Instead, I basically left the poor guy, but didn’t move out. Totally my bad. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

How someone makes you feel…

People that love you, 

care about how they make you feel.

The end.

— TheMindsJournal

I think my favourite therapist would say it’s more complicated than that. He has taught me that we are all a product of our upbringing, along with the skills that we either learned or didn’t. Many of us also experienced what love is not, rather than what love is, which doesn’t exactly set us up for healthy relationships. Personally, as I’ve learned better communication/coping skills, the better my relationships have become. (Well not all of them. Some have fallen off due to incompatibility, and that’s okay too, according to my trusted coaches). Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

The real love story is you and you…

The real love story was always you and you. It was how you walked alone and learned what you needed to carry. It was how you began to see through your own eyes, and not someone else’s. It was how you began to dig joy out from beneath your cynicism, how you slowly built your desires into form. It was how you learned what you like and don’t, and what you came here to be. The real love story was always how you opened your heart to yourself. 

— Brianna Wiest 

My favourite therapist equates our soulmate search with looking for a plug and socket fit. Problem is, he says, we need to settle comfortably into ourselves first. I must admit, I wasn’t keen on this whole “go inward” and “love yourself first” thing when I was younger. I wanted companionship and romance, and didn’t necessarily believe in the heal yourself first, then consider romance deal. But he was right. The more healing work I’ve done, the more I’ve learned about my needs, wants, must have’s and deal breakers. Interestingly enough, the stronger I’ve become, the less I’ve needed my perfect partner to console and comfort me. So we get to hang out, have fun and walk through life together, without the burden of needing to be everything to each other. Refreshing. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Avoiding situations that bring out the worst…

I can’t afford any more situations in my life that bring out the worst in me. It’s exhausting and requires too much for me to recover from. I need calmness and gentleness in my life. Anything outside of that I don’t have the capacity for it. 

— Unknown 

I can relate. When I look back, I see glaring incompatibilities with all of my significant partners. 20-20 vision, right? I had to learn the difference between healthy compromise, and unrealistic, unsustainable mismatches. Once I sorted out my can’t live withs (hard deal breakers, such as chronic extreme lateness and messiness) and can’t live withouts (like warmth and affection for example), I found my perfect life partner and best friend. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Discipline a form of self love..

Discipline is one of the highest forms of Self Love. It is quite literally telling yourself that you will delay instant gratification and comfort for better things to come in the future. A lot of people see self love as spa baths and fancy coffe, but true self love is how you manage yourself in the face of adversity. How you talk to yourself and what you are willing to do to create the version of yourself that you can admire the most. True self love is hard. It is the hardest yet most rewarding thing you can ever do. It is something that is earned day in and day out.

— Unknown 

I can’t take full credit for my self love transformation. Life crashed on my head and I had some decisions to make. I faced near bankruptcy post-2008 financial crisis, as jobs in my profession were scarce and the few available positions were paying half the usual rate. I also suffered a very humiliating break up, which sent me down a very introspective journey. Would I ever wanna go through all that again? Hell, NO. But these foundation altering times were a blessing in disguise. I will give myself credit for doing the healing work necessary to be find a healthy and fulfilling relationship. I will also give myself credit for upping my career game. I found a way to become indispensable, by setting the highest standards possible; higher work ethic than I had ever aspired to, and setting the intention to achieve top producer (at least one of) every year. It’s been ten years and I am in the perfect, lucrative job and I’m happily in love with my ideal partner of 9 years. Life is sweet when you take proper care of yourself. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl