The power of involuntary feelings…

Do you ever just smell an old perfume, 

or hear an old song, 

or pass an old hangout spot and kinda break inside for a couple minutes.

— Unknown  

I find the involuntary nature of those moments quite fascinating. They sort of force us to process the past, don’t they. I’ve been going through a more pronounced experience, with my mother’s passing. I’ve been transfixed in time, sorting through her old possessions and photo’s. It’s been good. And bad. But as my favourite therapist says, any moment spent processing our emotions is time well spent. Just sayin’ :) Hugs, XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The “ani-ambition”…

The Pandemic has touched off a reckoning when it comes to our relationship with work, The Guardian notes. For many, this has meant swapping an unrelenting climb up the corporate ladder with a desire to slow down, draw firmer boundaries, switch careers, or retire early.

— Saundra Latham 

I don’t know about you, but I’m hearing much coffee shop/friend circle/virtual water cooler chatter around work/life balance. There seems to be a clear consensus around limiting excessive work hours when there is an obvious lack of return. It’s one thing to go over-and-above and feel valued. It’s another thing for bosses/companies to expect ongoing overtime hours, without recognition or reward. Personally, I’m investing in ways to work smarter, not harder. Some work activities have already fallen by the way side and I’m loving the new found sense of calm. Just sayin’ :) Hugs, XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

That thing you don’t want to feel…

feel it.

the thing that you don’t want to feel.

feel it. and be free.  

— nayirrah waheed (Author and poet. Described as perhaps the most famous poet on Instagram with 590,000 followers)

My favourite therapist says there is much to be gained from facing and feeling what we don’t want to feel... In fact, the quality of our present and future relationships may depend on it. What I’ve learned is that most of us are lugging around a lot of old stuff (because we’re too young to deal with heavy stuff in our formative years) and a lack of resolution from our childhood. It’s not fun or easy work, but it’s certainly possible to go back and pick up some pieces. I’ve actually done my best healing since my Dad died 24 years ago. I’ve noticed that the more I settle the past, the greater my capacity for my current relationships. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“I beat them with my mind and my fundamentals”…

I wasn’t real quick, and I wasn’t real strong. Some guys will just take off and it’s like, whoa. So I beat them with my mind and my fundamentals.

— Larry Bird (Widely regarded as one of the greatest basketball players of all time, NBA Coach of the year 1998, NBA Executive of the Year 2012)

I don’t know about you, but I love inspirational stories. I love the idea that we’re not hemmed in by genetics and natural ability. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Learning from old wounds…

Those wounds that were forced upon you were not your choice, but if you put them under a microscope, study them and learn from them, they can become a source of strength, wisdom, and empathy as unique as your fingerprints. You can use them to touch the lives of others.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist says some things are just our legacy and cannot be changed; where we were born, the kind of upbringing we had, the socioeconomic status of our beginnings, advantages or lack there of. I find this profoundly comforting. When I get “triggered” and spend time reliving the past, I remind myself that this was my reality, but I now have free will. I put the lid back on the box, set it up on the shelf and come back to the present moment. I say quietly, “sure, it’s sad that I didn’t have a touchy-feely relationship with my parents. Although this past is etched in stone, I can make choices, set goals and take the necessary steps to achieve them.” I’ve been able to create the kind of family I would have wanted by taking ownership of my past choices (analyzing the marital breakdowns), making the effort to learn new communication/relationships skills (being a part of the solution and learning to make requests) and choose a better suited mate for my nature, personality and lifestyle (no more outdoorsy guys because I don’t like camping or hiking, Lol). Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Lack of social relationships a legitimate health risk…

A new study out of Brigham Young University compares a lack of social relationships to other health risks:

* Equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day

* Equivalent to being an alcoholic

* More harmful than not exercising

* Twice as harmful as obesity 

I’ve done numerous weekend group therapy workshops. You get to be fly on the wall, hearing about the various challenges of  potentially 14 - 16 people per workshop. My key take away is that although our stories are unique, the human condition is eerily universal. The result for my time, effort and money has been an enduring sense of belonging… of knowing I’m not alone, which has made up for some of the gaps in family support. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Work on everything that destroys you…

To work on yourself is the best thing you can do. Accept that you are not perfect, but you are enough. And then start working on everything that destroys you. Your insecurities, your ego, your dark thoughts. You will see in the end you’re going to make peace with yourself. And that’s the greatest thing in the world.

— Unknown

My favourite therapist believes in working with the “Inner Family (Inner Child, Adult, Spirit, Ego),” which is basically the sometimes confusing and often competing voices within us. He believes so strongly in addressing our inner world that he offers individual and relationship therapy weekend seminars. I’ve done a lot of these weekend workshops and they are surprisingly enlightening. My big take aways are; the Inner Child has unmet needs from our upbringing, Ego is a fierce protector but can be cold and a potential hindrance to relationships and whether religious or not, having some sort of higher power for support can be profoundly comforting. Our often polite adult self is the face we show the public, but there is so much more going on behind the scenes. The more I’ve looked at my unmet needs and problematic fears, the more balanced, stable and fulfilled I’ve felt. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Gain the power…

The moment you accept responsibility for everything in your life is the moment you gain the power to change anything in your life.

— Hal Elrod

When I was first exposed to this philosophy, I was confused. I had a difficult upbringing (and relations didn’t improve all that much into adulthood either) and I felt hard done by in some respects, I suppose. So to “take responsibility” for that seemed off base. What I learned though, is that at some point we need to take full ownership of our lives, as adults, regardless of how we may have been victimized in the past. It’s our life now and we’re free to make our own choices. Most importantly, we can learn and grow, and we can realize even more fulfilment and joy in our adult years. It’s really quite empowering, once you get used to managing your own affairs and emotions. It can be a fresh start even. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Beneath the anger…

I sat with my anger long enough, 

until she told me her real name was grief.

— Unknown

My favourite therapist likens the myriad of emotions we feel to the layers of an onion. My aha moment was the realization that beneath anger is typically hurt. Put another way, there’s a saying that “A man yelling is the equivalent of a baby crying.” As I grapple with my mother’s passing, I’ve been observing  intense moments of anger and I’ve been able to address some old hurts sitting in the wings. I also know, from years of excellent counselling, that I just need to feel what I’m feeling and I will eventually get to the other side, where at least some resolution and peace sit patiently waiting. As my favourite therapist says, some things are just our legacy, and cannot be changed. But we can find a reprieve from our past wounds by feeling, grieving and then settling the old stuff in our mental and emotional attic. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

 

Homesick for a place…

I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists. One where my heart is full. My body loved. And my soul understood.

— Melissa Cox 

My favourite therapist says the place we are homesick for is actually the total and complete reconnection with ourselves. He explains that as we look for love/romance, we are looking to “plug in” to another person to feel whole… but, in fact, we need to plug back into ourselves. He says that many of us were not  loved unconditionally growing up, and so we end up looking for a relationship, a person, to soothe this ill. But he says we need to heal our own wounds, and perhaps learn some new relationship skills, in order to invite a healthy relationship that is defined by respectful boundaries, unconditional love and mutually compassionate support. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Be useful…

I want us to commit to do one thing a day that’s useful. I see these news reports about “the masculinity crisis” and what I see is a lot of ships drifting in the wind. I see a lack of purpose and direction. 

When I look at history, I see a lot of big economic shifts. But I don’t see this same problem with millions of people feeling lost and angry. I think the biggest difference is that now, people can fill their time with hundreds of hours of social media and entertainment that is designed to make them as pissed off as possible so they keep coming back. It sucks you into a cycle of outrage, and it never offers you hope or purpose or solutions… If you find yourself spending hours a day on your phone or television, turn it off for a while and try to find a purpose…

Being useful gives all of us purpose… You just have to be willing to ask yourself, “How can I help?”…

It is easy to complain. Any idiot can highlight a problem. It is not easy to brainstorm, to learn, and to find solutions… I’m asking you to try to add something to the conversation, to be curious, not judgmental, as Ted Lasso says. And if you are so pissed off you think all you can do is complain, maybe log off and go outside and try to be useful in the real world. Put down your phone and help somebody (or, maybe, help yourself).

— Arnold Schwarzenegger

Well said Arnold. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“Active is the new relaxing”…

When we are really engaged in activities, we have less opportunity to worry and feel bad. That might be because focusing on a task temporarily quiets the default network, a set of interconnected brain regions that is most active when a person is self-focused, thinking about the past or imagining the future. The default network is deactivated when people focus on the outside world… physical exertion, which not only suspends self-absorption but triggers biological effects—such as the release of endorphins—that bring about a sense of well-being and, if we’re lucky, rapture.  

— Richard A. Friedman, professor of clinical psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College

That may explain why I find washing dishes relaxing, Lol. I’m making a mental note for the days that I feel I have zero energy to work out. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Friends and loved ones make life complete…

You don’t need another human being to make your life complete, but let’s be honest. Having your wounds kissed by someone who doesn’t see them as disasters in your soul, but cracks to put their love into, is the most calming thing in this world. 

— Emery Allen

My mother passed away almost two weeks now and the prayers, funeral, and all the preparations and arrangements are behind us. We still have to pack up her small retirement community home, but the bulk of to-do’s are checked off. I know there’s a long road of pensiveness ahead, if my father’s passing is any indication. Mourning and processing have their own meandering path and time frame. What’s really blown me away is the tremendously heart warming out-pouring of support. I know I have wonderful friends and loved ones, but I’ve honestly never felt this level of caring. My partner’s family (who have embraced me as their own from day one) sent an absolutely magnificent bouquet of flowers and loving note to the church, which were placed prominently at the guest sign in table. My work colleagues/family sent a stunning bouquet of white long stemmed white roses to my door at home and the company donated to my mother’s favourite charity, which is the SPCA. Even my partner’s work sent a beautiful arrangement to our home. Many of our best friends attended the entire day’s events (4 different venues! Church service, mausoleum resting place, reception and then celebration of life cocktails). There were cards, texts, Facebook notes, phone calls and repeated check ins. I’m tearing up again folks. It’s a big wow. So… friends and loved ones do make life complete in my opinion. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Stay open to different ideas…

If you want to grow and create something new - you need to encourage healthy debate and stay open to different ideas. If you want to change someone’s mind and make meaningful change - you need to try and understand where they are coming from… embracing disagreements helps to take the heat out of conflict and turn it into a learning opportunity. Staying open to different opinions can ignite a creative spark, create shared solutions, form deeper connections and help us overcome our differences. As Max Walzenback so wonderfully put it “I believe the key piece to unity and forging relationships is a certain level of openness and vulnerability. Those that do not open themselves to other opinions - both ones they agree and disagree with - will have a hard time connecting and thus forging relationships. Even those who disagree on one issue can find some common ground on another issue. But so often we close ourselves off to one another, isolate ourselves to tribalism, and forget the complex human that sits on the other side of the keyboard.”

— Richard Branson (British billionaire, entrepreneur, business magnate. In the 70’s he founded Virgin Group, which today controls more than 400 companies in various fields. Branson expressed his desire to become an entrepreneur at a young age and began his first venture, a magazine called Student, at age 16). 

I’ve attended many intense, in-depth group therapy workshops. My biggest take away is how I would feel about each individual at the start of the seminar (first, snap impression) vs how I would feel at the end of it. Hearing about people’s experiences, feelings, upbringing and challenges has a way of creating context. I genuinely liked everyone at the end of those weekends. Some I connected with in a more authentic way, due to common ground, but I had honest compassion for everyone in the room. Interestingly, appearance was always a factor. People tend to see “looks” (myself included) and make assumptions, which are frequently off base. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Holding the grief and sorrow…

Praising and giving attention to the good things are as important and necessary as witnessing and naming and holding the grief and sorrow that comes with being alive. 

— Ada Limon, poet

My favourite therapist talks about the importance of embracing both our “positive” and “negative” experiences and feelings. He says there is much to learn about ourselves, our needs, our wants. He encourages the addition of healthy boundaries and opening up to loved ones in the form of friendly requests. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Don’t know how you’re going to feel…

Speak to people in a way that if they died the next day, you’d be satisfied with the last thing you said to them.

And I can’t emphasize this enough.

— Unknown

As I process my mother’s passing, I’m reminded of my father’s funeral 24 years ago. The mourning process was unexpected, suprising and ongoing. Now, he was a hard ass who believed in tough love to be sure, but he had impressive strengths as well. I’ve been more and more aware of the positive impact he had on my life. He certainly did his best to prepare me for reality and for that I am grateful. I didn’t realized how much I would miss talking to him. So, I did everything in my power to invite deeper conversations with my mother over the years. I don’t know if we fully got there, but we certainly shared some of our misunderstandings and regrets. I’m really glad I did that. I can rest easy knowing I tried to connect more fully with my mother. RIP Mom. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“Little gifts of silence”…

A practice for when we find our plans have been waylaid—we’re in a long line at the store or there’s unexpected traffic or our phone is broken or out of batteries. Rather than get distressed, angry, or caught up in that, take that moment to be grateful for the break from all that sound and stimulus. Be grateful for that moment of quiet— where you can invite in the silence and just be…

* Take this event as a gentle reminder that you are not in complete control of everything.

* Instead of becoming frustrated, reframe the delay as an opportunity to savour an unstructured moment. Avoid the temptation to fill it.

* Ask yourself, “How can I use this moment to recharge?”

— Snapshot from the book Golden: The Power of Silence in a World of Noise, written by Leigh Marz and Justin Zorn

Two things stand out for me; we are not in complete control of everything and using unstructured moments to recharge. I’ve filed these pointers away and I’m feeling just a touch more relaxed already, Lol. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Feeling Bored? It’s a good thing…

Studies show that boredom can foster creativity, flexibility and problem-solving. When we turn to our phones in those free moments (which I definitely do), we leave little space and time for our minds to leisurely wonder and explore. Great reminder. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Fulfillment and the “Wheel of Life”…

The wheel of life is a deceptively simple tool that you can use right now to start getting clear on your recipe for fulfillment. The 8 pieces of the pie are:

* Physical Environment

* Career

* Fun & Recreation

* Health

* Friends and Family

* Romance

* Personal Growth

* Finances

(Ps. Some people have commented that Faith should be included)

Why it works:

~ It clarifies what you really want vs what you think you should want

~ It looks at you as a whole person vs an employee/spouse/parent

~ It puts the ball in your court, giving you agency over your life

— Excerpt from Leah Smart article (Writer, ICF Coach, Podcast Host of In the Arena/Exploring Human Potential)

I read a great book called Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D., and it was a game changer for me. She talks about the components of a complete and fulfilled life, with a similar pie chart. I was much younger at the time and realized I was overly focused on romance. You can get to a certain stage of your life and begin fixating on some shoulds. For me, it was the biological clock. Although I didn’t have the dying urge to be a mother, like some of my friends and family, I did worry about missing the window. I ended up deciding that if it was meant to be, it would be and I would leave it to the stars, or fate, or what have you. I never did have children, but I am a stepmom now and I’m enjoying that quite a bit. I can be part of our boys’ life and still focus much of my time and attention on my career. I am a career person, and always have been, according to my Mom. She said I identified with women carrying briefcases on TV from the age of about 3, Lol. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Bring out the best in you…

People bring out different sides of you… therefore, you should always keep the ones who bring out the light.

— R.M. Drake (New York Best Selling Author, self published. Drake reinvigorated enthusiasm for poetry through Instagram, according to the Miami Herald. CBS Miami calls his posts “short, concise and easy to relate to; they are filled with words about self-discovery, loneliness, heartbreak and love.”)

I’ve been working with a life/energy work coach for some time now and she talks a lot about the impact others most certainly have on us. She says some people not only take away some of our energy, but they deposit some of theirs onto us as well. Sometimes we walk away energized and loved, and other times we walk away drained and upset. I’ve given this notion due consideration and, actually, I find I spend more time alone in quiet and peaceful solitude. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

  

The waiting…

The day you plant the seed is not the day you eat the fruit.

— Unknown

The waiting, the unknown, the lack of information. All tough stuff. The garden analogy is brilliant, and a great reminder that things take time. Patience really is a virtue and something I need to work on. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Where do you feel it in your body?…

How is your interoceptive awareness?

A few years ago during coach training, my coach whispered, “and where in your body do you feel the feeling of joy?” I didn’t know…and I was honestly annoyed. The question felt a little too beyond. It was illogical. “The joy is in my head,” I snapped back. 

But it wasn’t. There was just a skill I had the opportunity to build. Interception is the ability to sense what’s happening in your body- like hunger. And it’s a powerful tool for understanding your emotions by way of your body- like being joyful, content, or anxious. Not only can you understand emotions this way, but you can really let them go too.

— Maria Villarroel, Editor at LinkedIn News

My favourite therapist taught me the same lesson/skill. He says that our bodies do alert us, if we’re willing to tune in and tackle the feelings. It won’t always be pretty because feelings of stress and anxiety let us know that there’s perhaps uncomfortable work to be done. We may need to make difficult changes. Avoidance and denial are probably more common because who really wants to move toward the pain. But my therapist insists that the only way to heal and enjoy greater fulfilment in life is by acknowledging and reconciling with our muck. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Parent-child discord is rampant…

Experts have called parental estrangement a “silent epidemic.” Although there are not hard numbers, one study out of Britain found that 8% of adults are estranged from their parents… In another study, just over half of parents in the United States said they had a harmonious relationship with their grown children, which suggests parent-child discord is rampant…

There is no emotional road map for those people who are grappling with the loss of someone they may not have liked all that much, and who may have been the source of extreme pain in their lives. But experts say there is good reason to speak more openly about this experience, which is far more prevalent than society tends to recognize…  

Experts say it’s essential for grieving parties — and those supporting them — to remember that humans are emotionally complex, and that we are fully capable of feeling multiple emotions at the same time as well as cycling through them. Feelings like sorrow, anger, relief and happiness can coexist. When it comes to grief, there is no “should.”

— Catherine Pearson, Huffington Post, Aug 5 2019

My mother passed away early Sunday morning, somewhat unexpectedly. She hadn’t been doing well for a number of years, but she ended up slipping away without a specific end of life event at the hospital. My father passed away over twenty years ago, so I’ve had some experience with the loss of a parent. I just remember feeling differently than I thought I would. A lot of mixed emotions, and I find myself back there again. My favourite therapist says that relationships are complicated and love is messy. We can feel a lot of different emotions all at the same time. I’ll just say Rest In Peace Mum and thank you for the beautiful times. As for the darker stuff, we’re not alone. It’s more common than I realized and that makes me feel much better about our challenges. I hope you’re in a happy, peaceful place with Dad. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl