The ability to make healthy choices…

Repeat After Me

I am no longer a child in a dysfunctional home. I’m an adult with the ability to make healthy choices, create boundaries, and live the life that I create.

— nedratawwab.com 

After years of intensive therapy and weekend individual/relationship workshops, my favourite therapist said “You’re almost there. Now, all you need to do is have your own back, all the way.” He was referring to sharpening a few boundaries, and saying no, when needed, to protect my own health and well being. (For example, either minimizing time spent around tense relationships, or avoiding them altogether). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Why we choose unavailable partners…

We choose unavailable partners because we associate love with the need to prove ourselves, to caretake, to deny or ignore red flags; the roles we adapted to in childhood continue into adulthood when we have experienced attachment trauma. 

— @SitWithSharon

Wow, this explains a lot, and makes me feel a lot better about my failed relationships. Fortunately, I landed on a healing path, which involved significant relationship skills training. I found my perfect partner once I was emotionally sound and capable of being in a healthy relationship. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Are you holding your breath?…

Many trauma survivors hold their breath and their bodies tightly, bracing themselves for whatever is coming next. Staying alert for years takes a toll. 

Create spaces where you can take your armour off.

— Dr Thema 

I’ve done loads and loads of therapy and coaching, but I’ve never heard post-trauma summed up quite like this before. Makes sense. I found my way to energy work (Craniosacral Therapy, Body Talk, and EMDR, another non-talk therapy option), which seems to really help with the holding on tight thing. I first approached Body Talk as a last resort for life long stomach aches, and the practitioner diagnosed me with “anxious tummy.” I always thought I had allergies, but a blood testing tool confirmed that I actually have zero allergies. I’ve continued with Craniosacral Therapy, which has a very positive emotional and physical impact. So glad I found this remedy! Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

What’s important to you…

• I’ve seen people workout at 4 a.m. before working two jobs  
• I’ve known introverts who became great communicators when an important relationship needed it
• I’ve seen people who weren’t “ready” suddenly commit to the right person

People give effort to what’s important to them.

— Unknown 

My life improved immensely when I, finally, prioritized my well own being, over a romantic relationship. After a particularly bad ending, I thought never again. No more break ups. I took a time out, and with professional help, sorted out the vision for my ideal life partner. Most importantly, I renewed several commitments to me; work a little harder each day in career (to maximize fulfillment and financial security), respect my mental/emotional health and say no when needed (because duty and obligation can be exhausting), be more discriminating in friendships/social time (because we only have so much free time and energy), spend less, and save more. There you go. Complete and total life make over, and pretty much hit bullseyes across the board. I met the easiest, most perfect love of my life (even when things aren’t perfect), I have more financial freedom than I could have imagined, and I’ve hit a new level in my career. Admittedly, I’m still working on some friend/social/family stuff, given the emotional complexity of long standing history. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Love isn’t blind. Infatuation is…

They say love is blind. I disagree. Infatuation is blind, love is all-seeing and accepting.

Love is seeing all the flaws and blemishes and accepting them. Love is accepting the bad habits and mannerisms, and working around them. Love is recognizing all the fears and insecurities, and knowing your role is to comfort. Love is working through all the challenges and painful times.

Infatuation is fragile and will shatter when life is not perfect. 

Love is strong and it strengthens because it is real.

— Unknown 

My main take away from intensive therapy is the importance of relationship/communication skills. A lot of us witnessed dysfunction, rather than healthy dynamics, but it’s never too late to learn how to have successful and fulfilling relationships. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Are you a cycle breaker?…

A ‘Cycle Breaker’ is Someone in Your Family Who:

• Disrupts the genetic imprints
• Starts the healing in the family
• Recognizes dysfunctional behaviour in themselves and changes it
• Takes time to understand why the people in their family are as they are
• Recognizes coping mechanisms that are no longer helpful
• Doesn’t seem to fit in with the family
• Is ready to know themselves outside the family system
• Recognizes unhealthy familial patterns and chooses to not repeat them

— @psychetherapy.central

What I find interesting is that we apparently inherit personality traits, in addition physical features. Super interesting. Anyhow, I feel fortunate to have inherited a passion for learning, healing and growing. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Insights from a therapist…

    Things I’ve learnt as a therapist:

• There’s immense grieving in what should have been
• Healing takes your own length of time
• People need connection
• We are always evolving
• People just want to be seen and understood
• The tiniest steps can lead to the most beautiful growth
• That reaching out and healing is so brave
• That some things should never have happened
• Safe spaces are vital for healing
• We have our own lens. No one sees things the same
• No one has all the answers
• You never know what someone is going through
• That choosing to heal is a beautiful gift to self
• That compassion and empathy has its very own magic

— @h.e.l.e.n.m.a.r.i.e

“Choosing to heal is a beautiful gift to self” stands out for me. I remember sitting in the numerous group therapy weekends and thinking I’d rather be anywhere else. There was a big time and financial cost to this emotional work/education, but I knew I needed it. While everyone else was out there having fun, we were locked away in a room, trying to unload some of the old, painful baggage. Most of us were trying to find our way to safer, better quality relationships. The process was uncomfortable, to be sure, but the room did feel safe and I felt seen and understood. The group dynamic provides a great dress rehearsal for future relationships because you can practice your new and improved communication/relationship skills with others who are learning as well. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl