They can’t give you what they can’t give themselves…

Sometimes people can’t reciprocate because they can’t give you what they can’t give themselves.  

Those who are at war with themselves can’t give you peace.

Those who betray themselves can’t give you loyalty.

Those who lie to themselves can’t give you honesty.

See them as they are, not who you wish them to be.

— Anonymous 

Having sat in many a group therapy weekend workshop, the emotional complexity driving us as individuals became very clear. Add a partner to the mix and you have double the trouble. The biggest take away for me was how much of what we do or don’t do is subconscious, with the deepest of roots generally stemming from childhood trauma. It is complicated, to say the least. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Have requirements, not expectations…

I’m at a point in my life where I no longer have expectations, I have requirements.

Respect my time. Match my effort. 

Keep your word. Always be honest.

Stay consistent.

Those are my requirements, not expectations. Requirements. 

— Anonymous 

I wish I could tell my younger self. I can respect and appreciate my desire to keep the peace and see everyone happy, but I certainly paid a price. It’s near impossible to keep everyone happy anyway, so better to take care of one’s own mental and emotional health. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Gotta leave your ego at the door in love (and start with a great match!)…

It’s rare that you find someone with enough emotional and mental patience and maturity to work through shit with. 

Like actually communicate, and lose their ego because they value the connection more than their pride.

You gotta leave your ego at the door in love. 

It’s a must. 

— Anonymous

My perfect love and I talk about this a lot. We each came through the pain of divorce realizing that the “match” needs to be near perfect to achieve a healthy, life long union. In hindsight, our past relationships had pretty clear irreconcilable differences (but we both married young!). Interestingly, we each crafted a perfect partner “list”, based on our learnings. This list included lifestyle habits, character musts, short and long term life goals, red flags/deal breakers to be aware of and must have’s (things you can’t live with, and things you can’t live without). We pretty much saw each other from across the room (we lived 9 blocks away from each other and ended up at the neighbourhood pub one fated Friday night with friends. Lucky!), thought, “wow, that is the most attractive person I’ve ever laid eyes on”, had a couple of dates and soon realized we’d found our perfect match. We ended up sharing our lists, and they were almost identical. Pretty miraculous stuff! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Emotional maturity is attractive…

Safety is attractive.  

Emotional maturity is attractive.

Raw communication is attractive.

Authenticity is attractive.

Imperfections are attractive.

Genuine connection is attractive.

Effort is attractive.

Consistency is attractive.

Honesty is attractive.

Kindness is attractive.

Taking accountability is attractive.

Sincere apologies are attractive.

Awareness is attractive.

Growth is attractive.

— Unknown 

I had absolutely ZERO idea about character-based attraction when I was younger. Is he cute? Yes, great. Do I like him? Ok, perfect. Uhh, what else? Do we have some stuff in common? Yeah, a few things, ok, good enough. NO! Not good enough. Two marriages, a lot of therapy and relationship courses later, I realize just how much commonality (life goals, lifestyle), character, integrity and healthy relationship skills factor into a great match. Match being key word here, because looking back I can see that each of my past relationships had at least two major deal breakers (extreme lateness, extreme spending, different life goals, inability to communicate through difficult challenges etc.). I was absolutely a part of the problem, as I shrank from conflict and anger, making peaceful resolution pretty difficult. Thankfully my troubled relationship path led to couples therapy, and then individual therapy, and most importantly relationship/communication skills education. Best thing that ever happened to me. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

“Deal with people for who they are”…

Learn to deal with people for who they are, not who you want them to be.

Life gets a lot easier when you stop expecting apple juice from oranges.

— Rigel J. Dawson (Pastor and author) 

My savvy life coach tells me it’s absolutely ok to keep some people at a distance (as in Facebook, text, email). It’s also ok to call it quits, when need be, for our mental and emotional well being (even with family). I find it hard to let people go. But in the end, I finally realized that some deal breakers demand attention and action. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl

  

Happily ever after?…

“And they lived happily ever after.”…. ? 

More like….

And they worked as a team to:

* Identify and overcome the very normal challenges that all couples face in different situations

* Acknowledged each other’s triggers and prevented conflict from escalating and doing damage

* Listened and validated each other, even when they didn’t agree

* Discussed needs and expectations openly so resentment didn’t build up

— @Meet_TheFreemans (Slighly paraphrased) 

Well said. This is exactly what I learned in the therapist-led relationship workshops I attended. Brilliant guidance that really works. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Brain chemistry and the trauma bond…

The Brain’s Betrayal

The hot and cold cycle of attention followed by neglect, or kindness followed by malice, will create a trauma bond. Your brain will oscillate between pumping out oxytocin (bonding hormone) and cortisol (stress hormone). The intensity and instability of this chemical cocktail breeds a hurricane inside your skull and heart. You feel unsafe. A simmering, background anxiety floods your state, undermining your wellbeing. It becomes difficult to sleep or focus.

Brain chemistry plays a massive role here. To stay sane through this process, you need to understand the brain’s main goal is to keep you safe, not happy. Happiness becomes attainable only after your brain is convinced that you are safe.  

— Ewa Zwonarz

My favourite therapist says that a large percentage of us grow up feeling unsafe, and this leads to unhealthy attachment patterns, and overall relationship challenges. He also says that we tend to attract partners who will have the same capacity or incapacity for achieving a healthy relationship (and it’ll always look like we’re the B student and they’re the D student). I’ve learned that with great therapy and life coaching, it is possible to improve one’s emotional stability and relationship skills, which tends to lead healthier and happier relationships overall. Just sayin’ Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl