Your anger loves you…

I wanna share something my therapist said about anger that blew my mind:

“Your anger is the part of you that knows your mistreatment and abuse are unacceptable.

Your anger knows you deserve to be treated well, and with kindness. Your anger is a part of you that loves you.”

— Lyndsey Gallant

I learned about the importance of anger in therapy as well. My favourite therapist told me that, essentially, I had a broken compass because I avoided anger, at almost all cost. I came to fear and loathe anger because it was the go-to in my family of origin. I saw destruction, without resolution and I blamed anger. Fast forward to my thirties and I learned about healthy anger management. My favourite therapist explained that anger provides critical information; it lets us know when our boundaries are being crossed, or that we need to make a request of a loved one, or we need more or less of something in our lives. In short, our anger is there to protect us and tells us when we need to address issues in our lives. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

“You’re competing with my comfort zones”…

I like being alone. I have control over my own shit. Therefore, in order to win me over, your presence has to feel better than my solitude. You’re not competing with another person, you’re competing with my comfort zones.

— Horacio Jones (Self-help author who rose to fame after publishing two books on relationships and self-life, Broken Vision and I Am The Love Of My Life. He has over 170,000 followers on Instagram) 

When I was younger, I loved 24/7 relationships. Lots of togetherness, fun, romance, comfort, sense of family. As I’ve gotten older, however, I love solitude and the luxury of tending to my own needs (chick flicks and chocolate, Lol). At this point (post divorces!), togetherness can mean compromising (sometimes ok and sometimes not) and fun/romance can mean summoning more energy than I have. Reality shifts, and this is apparently legit. I read a great book called The Female Brain, which describes the phases both woman and men go through over the years. And woman, as we age, require a bit more time to nurture ourselves. (From what I remember, men need much latitude when it comes to career, and the pressures that follow). Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Someone who compliments your life…

Stay single until someone actually compliments your life in a way that makes it better not to be single. If not, it’s not worth it.

— Unknown

I don’t know about you, but it took me a while to realize this. My “almost” perfect relationships were the most difficult. I think we can adjust for a while, and do things we don’t particularly enjoy, but it wears thin. For example, my last partner loved taking transit, running errands on a bike and going to plays. I, on the other hand, love my car (convenience/efficiency/dry) and prefer movies. There were more differences and in the end, we were pointed in different directions. Such experiences led me to a pivotal list for my ideal partner; similar lifestyle to me, matching values, similar goals for the future etc. Just sayin’ ; ) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

For your body and soul…

Rest is not idle, is not wasteful.

Sometimes rest is the most productive thing you can do for body and soul.

— Erica Layne, Life on Purpose Movement (“I’m here to help you trade overwhelm and fatigue for focus and peace. Let’s do this together.” 45,000+ members)

Layne talks about the intensive media exposure we all face (TV’s everywhere, including restaurants, our phones etc.) and how overwhelming this can feel. Personally, I know I need to seek out motivating and hopeful news. Sure, I want to be informed, but I also want to protect myself from leaning into the worst that life has to offer. There is light and I’m gonna move toward it at every opportunity… because it makes me feel happy, inspired and filled with love. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Feelings are messengers…

Your anger? It’s telling you where you feel powerless.

Your anxiety? It’s telling you that something in your life is off balance.

Your fear? It’s telling you what you care about.

Your apathy? It’s telling you where you’re overextended and burnt out.

Your feelings aren’t random, they are messengers. And if you want to get anywhere, you need to be able to let them speak to you, and tell you what you really need.

— Brianna Wiest (Partner at Thought Catalog and Author of the international bestsellers 101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think, The Mountain Is You and When You’re Ready, This Is How You Heal).

My favourite therapist begins every session with “How are you feeling today? Give me your top three feeling words.” It can be hard to pin down emotions, so he provides a guide sheet, with every conceivable feeling one could possibly have. This is very helpful actually, because there can be subtle nuance to our emotions. Discussing the emotional context typically leads to an action plan; draw a new boundary, make a request of a loved one, decide to stop doing something, decide to start doing something, etc. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Knowing the deal breakers…

There are some people who could hear you speak a thousand words and still not understand you. And there are others who will understand without you even speaking a word.

— Unknown

In my opinion, this strongly applies to finding a life partner. I made the mistake of fully committing to a couple of almost well suited relationships. In my single days I met some compelling individuals, but most became friends after a few uninspired dates. So when I met someone I was really attracted to, and who shared many of my interests, I thought bullseye. But deeper into the relationship deal breakers became evident. I was concerned that “perfect” didn’t exist, so I soldiered on. In the end, the differences widened and these almost perfect relationships inevitably ended. I finally did myself a huge favour. I took a big pause, rethought my compatibility needs and ended up finding the love of my life. And it’s easy. We navigate challenges with grace. Sure, we have the odd ruffle, but we’re super compatible and we never want to hurt each other, so we find a path that honours us both. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl   

You never know…

The New Yorker is an influential Pulitzer Prize winning magazine that features witty writing and impeccable fact-checking. In 2017, it’s stories exposed the extensive sexual misconduct committed by movie mogul Harvey Weinstein—and helped lead to his prosecution. How did the magazine get it’s start? It was co-founded in 1925 by Harold Ross, who had dropped out of school at age 13. He edited every issue for the next 2 years. 

— Rob Brezsny

That’s cool. You just never know. Education and previous experience aren’t always necessary. Many, many entrepreneurs have find another route. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Go for gold…

The best thing in life is finding someone who knows all your mistakes and weaknesses and still thinks you’re completely amazing.

— Unknown

If I could go back and talk to my younger self I would say know what sort of life you want/need to live, know your deal breakers and be patient when it comes to choosing your life partner… because the “almost” relationships inevitably show their cracks and break ups are very painful. As I got older I realized I’d rather be on my own than be in a challenging and/or unfulfilling relationship. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Meaningless in the face of imminent death…

At this moment, lying on the bed, sick and remembering all my life, I realize that all my recognition and wealth that I have is meaningless in the face of imminent death… You can hire someone to drive a car for you, make money for you — but you can not rent someone to carry the disease for you. One can find material things, but there is one thing that can not be found when it is lost — life.

— Steve Jobs 

My father died early as well, at 59, from liver cancer. I remember the very moment at the hospital when we found out, and my father and his two brothers cried. One of the most haunting and sad days of my life. My father had retired early at 55, fortunately, so he had four wonderful years of doing the things he loved doing. He had a feeling. He worked way too much; teaching summer school, and night school and tutoring in his free time. He paid off the family home, so my mother is taken care of… but he did not afford himself the luxury of downtime and leisure that he deserved. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and take time for you. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

 

Change takes energy!…

Going through cycles of change takes energy! That’s why it’s so important to prepare for change by building in recovery time. The organizations and leaders that I’ve worked with that navigate change most successfully, always include rest and recovery time in their planning. Like world-class athletes, leaders need to plan their recovery times as diligently as their high effort times. 

— Charlene Li (Digital Transformation and Disruptive Leadership Expert, entrepreneur, Founder and Fellow at Altimeter, author of six books, including the New York Times bestseller Open Leadership. Li was named one of the Top 50 Leadership Innovators by Inc, and one of the most creative people in business by Fast Company. She graduated magma cum laude from Harvard College and received her MBA from Harvard Business School). 

No wonder we’re so burned out. Building in recovery time was not a luxury afforded us throughout this ever changing pandemic era. I need to source out more survival tips (I’ve mentioned a few along the way) for such an unprecedented time. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The pain made you stronger…

I think that when enough time has passed, when you’ve survived that which you didn’t imagine you could, there’s a dignity in that. Something you can own. A pride in knowing the pain made you stronger. The pain made you fight to succeed. Someday, when I’m living my dreams, I’m going to think of all the things that broke my heart and I’m going to be thankful for them.

— Mia Sheridan

I’ve been reflecting on this very train of thought. I survived painful marital break down (s!), which led to my perfect relationship (even when it isn’t perfect). I survived the 2008 financial crisis, and this led to my very favourite career role (and to a very cool entrepreneurial endeavour, on the side so far). I have survived near bankruptcy, which taught me how to NOT spend, leading to more savings and financial freedom than I could have imagined. I’ve also survived being alone, feeling alone (with less parental support than I would have desired), which has led to greater independence and personal resolve than I could have fathomed. I have survived stressful, anxiety-causing, miserable times and this has all led me to giddy and fulfilling times. So today, I am grateful for all of the painful experiences because they have led to the most rewarding years of my life. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck! XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Which of our needs are going unmet?…

We own our emotions. They do not own us.

When we recognize that our thoughts are just thoughts, we can use them to find which of our needs are going unmet, and make choices that set us up for the lives we want to lead.

— Susan David (Psychologist. Harvard Medical School. TED Speaker. Author of the #1 WSJ bestseller Emotional Agility. Co-Founder of Institute of Coaching)

My favourite therapist leads with this same philosophy. That recognizing our feelings provides critical information in helping us make healthy choices and potentially requests of others. I’ve been observing my inner negotiations lately. Must I do errands, chores, or something cultured, or can I play hookie and go to a matinee or visit the Catfe, where I can tune out and play with the kitty cats? More and more, I’ve been giving myself a get out of jail card because I know my mental health depends on it. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The misunderstood power of doubt…

Doubt is a healthy type of friction  

Doubt can be a healthy form of friction that can slow us down before we rush in to decide:

* Do I really have the correct information to give a definitive answer?

* Have I really figured out what to do next?

We’ll try to move through doubt as quickly as possible to get to an answer, the next chapter, or any concrete end point. But what if doubt’s role is to make us pause before we rush to decide?

Paralyzing doubt pull us backwards or downwards; productive doubt pushes us forwards.

Productive doubt doesn’t hold us back but keeps us still long enough to consider other options and choices… periods of intense doubt pushed me out of a comfortable place, the known, and into a new place of making, being, and discovery.

— Rachel Botsman, excerpt from How to embrace the misunderstood power of doubt (Host of the podcast Rethink Moments, Speaker, including 3 TED talks, Author of the two critically acclaimed books, Who Can You Trust and What’s Mine is Yours, and creator of Oxford University’s first course on trust in the digital world at the Said Business School)

Well! I just love this information and I will take it very much to heart. I am, and have always been on fast forward. I’ve had to back track more than once due to my impatience (most limiting trait) and determination to forge forward. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Things we don’t want to feel…

You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.

— Johnny Depp

My favourite therapist says that it is precisely the things we do not want to feel that we should address. Our more troubling issues generally stem from childhood, before we had the capacity to understand and process deep, scary feelings. He says the issue is, these often unconscious and unresolved issues (also called triggers) can become emotional landmines, and disrupt our most important relationships. Personally, I’ve done a lot of work on my old triggers and it’s not fun, to say the least. The other side is pretty heavenly though, so I’d do it all over again. And now I choose to revisit old issues if/when they flare up because I know my relationships improve every time. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The smartphone trap…

Adrian Ward and colleagues published their study in the Journal of Association for Consumer Research. “Although these devices have immense potential to improve welfare, their persistent presence may come at a cognitive cost.”… Results from their two experiments indicate that even when people are successful at maintaining sustained attention—as when avoiding the temptation to check their phones—even the mere presence of these devices reduces available cognitive capacity. Moreover, these cognitive costs are highest for those highest in smartphone dependence…

So if you’re hoping to prevent this “brain drain” and boost your cognitive function, especially at work or when you’re out with your significant other, try leaving your phone in another room, tucked away in your car or locked in a drawer. When you realize that you don’t have immediate access to it, you free up your brain to focus solely on what’s in front of you.

— Ray Williams (CEO, Author, university faculty member, consultant, trainer and Executive Coach)

I remember way back, when my colleague got a smartphone (the Blackberry). He was a technical support person and needed to be on call. He exposed me to the email availability, and then texting shortly after. It was super cool and efficient. You didn’t have to continue working at home on your laptop because you could fire back, at will, in real time on your phone. It didn't take long for the “Crackberry” effect to take hold though. Who knew we’d end up practically living on our phones. Personally speaking, I leave my phone on silent for the most part because the ringing and dinging became stressful. I don’t leave my phone at home or anything, but I do leave it in my purse while driving now (after getting a $375 ticket for distracted driving. Ouch! Hey, I was stopped at a light and I put it right back down when the light turned green. Nope. Still go the ticket). At night, I leave my phone in the other room, for at least some of the time. I’m determined to expand on these device-free measures because I know the 24/7’ness of my phone adds a layer of unnecessary stress. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Quelling the inner turbulence…

Your mind will always believe everything you tell it. 

Feed it faith. Feed it truth. Feed it with love.

— Unknown 

I learned a really cool exercise from my favourite therapist, and that is to allow ALL the swirling thoughts  an opportunity to be heard. He believes in the “Inner Family” model, which includes the ego (an honourable protector, but often calculating and perhaps a bit cold), the inner child (super sweet, vulnerable and often the keeper of truths), spirit (our highest, optimistic and altruistic self) and the adult (the face we show the world and take to work), who keeps it all together. He says by writing from each vantage point we bring nurturing, support and clarity to our inner turbulence. Personally, I find the exercise calming and comforting. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

A fresh, comforting look at self-affirmation…

Prioritize developing a “multidimensional life.” 

It’s critical to become involved in multiple things that contribute to who you are, such as relationships with family and friends, work, or passions, Steele said. That not only gives you more to draw on for your affirmations, but it also offers other psychological benefits.

“I’m vulnerable if I just have one dimension on which my whole self-regard rides,” he said. “I’m going to be a pretty volatile person.”…

Cresswell suggests affirming who you are by focusing on what you love, such as: I love being a parent. “You’re giving yourself an opportunity to hold up something you value and cherish and not feel like you need to judge it or have a debate about it in your head or in your writing,” he said. “We live our lives sometimes in a busy multitasking, chaotic way, and we can lose sight of things that we really cherish and that give us a sense of purpose.”

— excerpt from Allyson Chiu’s “How to make self-affirmation work, based on science,” from The Washington Post, May 2 2022 

I don’t know about you, but I find this idea particularly comforting. Considering ourselves as multidimensional, valuable individuals, based on our relationships, hobbies and passions takes the pressure off of work and performance and allows us to focus on deeper, heart-related matters. I love that. And hats off to you parents out there. I’m an auntie/stepmom in my world, with minimal parental responsibilities, and I see the commitment and dedication to your kids. It’s impressive and honourable. Just sayin’ : ) Hugs. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Takes time…

If you really look closely, most overnight successes took a long time.

— Steve Jobs

That makes me feel better about my ongoing entrepreneurial journey. Fortunately, I enjoy the striving, strategizing and pivoting. Above all, I’m stuck on the promise of greater freedom/independence and the potential rewards, financial or otherwise. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Anger can become an addiction…

Anger, says Thurman, becomes an addiction, “something that people think is helping them, because it gives them a momentary relief from something else — but actually, it’s leading them into a worse and worse place, where they’re getting more and more dependent and less and less free.” As Archbishop Desmond Tutu put it, “forgiveness is like this: a room can be dank because you have closed the windows, you’ve closed the curtains. But the sun is shining outside, and the air is fresh outside. In order to get that fresh air, you have to get up and open the window and draw the curtains apart.”

That’s why forgiveness and loving our enemies is at the heart of virtually every spiritual tradition throughout history. 

— Arianna Huffington, Founder and CEO at Thrive  

That may be one of the best analogies I’ve heard around forgiveness… So! Remaining angry at someone/something leaves us trapped in the “dank” energy as well. Something to keep in mind for sure. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Mind your mind…

Your mind is your instrument. Learn to be its master and not its slave.

— Remez Sasson, successconsciousness.com

I don’t know about you, but my mind comes up with all kinds of outrageous stuff. My mind idles on fear a lot. My mind also struggles with the how of things. I know what my goals are, but my mind wants to know how this is possible and what the steps are. Toggling over to faith is actually a relief. I decide to “surrender” the how and focus on hard work (which I can control) and a belief in miracles (which I can choose to believe). Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Balance…

Happiness is the new rich.

Inner peace is the new success.

Health is the new wealth.

Kindness is the new cool.

— Unknown  

There’s more to life than work. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately because we really do work a lot. Not only do we work a lot, but the pressures of the week infiltrate our off hours as well. (I just spent 3 long days at a conference across country, with the 3 hour time change, very little sleep given business dinners/after dinner discussions/breakfast discussions, and then my boss was actually emailing on Sunday afternoon. I rest my case, Lol). Drawing firm lines around our personal health and well being feels like a very worthwhile endeavour. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl