Thriving on isolation and disconnection...

Creativity thrives on isolation and disconnection... it flourishes in marginal spaces and liminal times

...feeds on chaos. 

— Bruce Feiler (Author of the book Life is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age)

Feiler mentions Michelangelo, Monet, Frida Kahlo and Beethoven as celebrated artists who rose to new heights in their work as a response to disruption and adversity. Personally speaking, I reached a record high level in my own career/life post 2008 financial crisis. I had no choice but to reinvent myself. As jobs were scarce, I thought about my skill set, made up “Consulting” business cards and got busy networking. Through a friend of a friend, at the local coffee shop, I found my lifeline to recovery. What I continue to find amazing is how much there is to learn, regardless of age and experience. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Don’t be afraid. Have faith...

It’s funny how we outgrow what we once thought we couldn’t live without, and then we fall in love with what we didn’t even know we wanted. Life keeps leading us on journeys we would never go on if it were up to us. Don’t be afraid. Have faith. Find the lessons.

— Unknown 

I have a couple of mundane examples actually. I (and my 300 neighbours) have been enduring a twinning of our tower, on what was once our cherished green space (bummer that). In the process, we’ve been hugely inconvenienced. After 2.5 long and noisy years, we’re pretty much on our last nerve. Funny thing is, after the enduring resistance, I am enjoying delightful and surprising improvements to the building; I had to move my car and ended up conveniently located right by my storage locker, we have a beautiful new pool with a more spacious deck and we now have a beautiful, clean, bright, spacious new gym as well. Big note to self. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Trying to solve the unsolvable...

The question of how to live a meaningful life has plagued people of every generation—including therapists. In his book The Act of Living, psychologist Frank Tallis compiles the perspectives of influential clinicians throughout history, from Sigmund Freud to Steven Hayes. Psychology Today asked Tallis which figure he turns to the most for comfort during uncertain times. — Abigail Fagan

“It has to be the master: Freud. One of the features of the last years of his life was his philosophy of acceptance. A courage to look at reality, not flinch, take a step back, and accept. We live in a society where we’re always told to aim for the starts, to persevere, do do. But there are some situations where that isn’t actually helpful. I find that focusing on managing my emotions, rather than on the problem itself, is a useful coping tool: it stops me from trying to solve the unsolvable. I find greater tranquility by moving to acceptance.”

First off, I’m a psychology major and seem to have missed Freud’s philosophy of acceptance. I guess it’s been a while, Lol. Second, I really appreciate Tallis’ perspective. If there was ever a time to accept that we cannot solve the unsolvable... Covid! Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Moment-to-moment happiness...

Our moment-to-moment happiness is largely determined by our outlook. In fact, whether we are feeling happy or unhappy at any given moment often has very little to do with our absolute conditions, but rather it is a function of how we perceive our situation, how satisfied we are with what we have.

— Dalai Lama

Seems particularly relevant in these Covid times. Our lives have been curbed and re-shaped, with many of our favourite activities sidelined for the foreseeable future. I guess we have to adjust our outlook, so that our expectations are in line with our new normal? (Ps. I’m pondering, am I unhappy because of the many limitations? I think off kilter more than anything, Lol).  Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Waiting is not passive...

When you’re in a season of waiting, it’s never just a season of waiting. It’s a season of preparation, self-improvement, giving, and, as always, sanctification. Waiting is not passive. It’s active. Be prepared for what you are praying for. You might not know when, but when God speaks, it happens fast. Be ready for it.

— Unknown

They say we need to visualize and see our dreams come true. Professional athletes apparently do this as a rule. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“Blind to the future without feeling completely blindsided by it”...

Evidence of innovation and adaptive behaviour runs throughout this issue. In contemplating grief, we found solid evidence that people possess more internal resources for recovery than they’ve been led to believe...We know what needs to be fixed in the country today. And the evidence is that fixes, when they come, will be incremental, grass roots, and bottom-up. What’s needed is emotional stoicism and behavioural flexibility—a mix that allows us to remain blind to the future without feeling completely blindsided by it.

— Kara Perina (Psychology Today, August 2020, Grief and the Losses No One Talks About)

I survived the 2008 financial crisis and I’m the better for it. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t wanna go through that again, Lol (sleepless nights, scary job search and sweating over bills). But I permanently altered key behaviours that continue to deliver financial freedom and security. I used to think of a budget as a boring and rigid restriction to fun, adventure and entertainment/joy. Wrong! I now realize managing my finances closely allows me to make better choices around my spending. Often I’m happy to forgo potentially frivolous purchases in favour of seeing my bank balance rise. Who knew I’d enjoy consignment shopping so much. It’s like treasure hunting. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Motion vs action...

Never mistake motion for action.

— Ernest Hemingway

I read a great article by Steve Blank (Defense Business Board at United States Department of Defense, also part of, or former co-founder of eight Silicon Valley start ups). Blank says one of an entrepreneur’s greatest strengths is the relentless pursuit of a goal. Where most people measure progress as steps taken, entrepreneurs focus on the end goal and measure progress by the accomplishment of their goal. So let’s keep our eye on the ball (our treasured dream, whatever that is) ;) Just sayin’! Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The power of yet...

“I don’t get it.”
“I can’t do this.”
“This doesn’t work.”

Take a deep breath. Go for a short stroll. Then add a “yet” to the end of your sentence:

As in:
“I don’t get it... yet.”
“I can’t do this... yet.”
“This doesn’t work... yet.”

— Unknown

Great advice. I’ve been known to be hasty and impatient. Gotta keep the long game in mind. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The value of suffering...

Although the world is full of suffering,
it is also full of the overcoming of it.

— Helen Keller (Prolific American author, political activist, lecturer, and the first deaf-blind person to earn a Bachelor of Arts degree. She campaigned for women’s suffrage, labor rights, socialism, antimilitarism and other similar causes. She was inducted into the Alabama Women’s Hall of Fame and was one of twelve inaugural inductees to the Alabama Writers Hall of Fame).

In The Art of Happiness, by the 14th Dalia Lama and Howard Cutler (a psychiatrist who poses questions to the Dalai Lama), the Dalai Lama explains how suffering can helps us. “There is one aspect to our experience of suffering that is of vital importance. When you are aware of your pain and suffering, it helps you to develop your capacity for empathy, the capacity that allows you to relate to other people’s feelings and suffering. This enhances your capacity for compassion toward others. So as an aid in helping us connect with others, it can be seen as having value.”  Connecting with colleagues, friends, loved ones and even acquaintances in this challenging time has given me strength and a more profound sense of belonging. Thank you beautiful people for reaching out. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Creatures of emotion...

When dealing with people
remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic,
but creatures of emotion.

— Dale Carnegie

The biggest thing I learned in therapy was that my deepest hurdles were all about how I was feeling and not what I was thinking. It was the early childhood experiences that haunted me the most. The stuff that felt scary and beyond my level of understanding. I learned that I had to go back in time, rescue that little girl and make her feel safe now and always. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Loneliness kills...

A recent Harvard Study of Adult Development came to this conclusion - loneliness kills, it’s as powerful as smoking or alcoholism. Social interaction and community are crucial for happiness and longevity. So foster those relationships with friends and family and reach out if you need help.

— Dr Cresswell

Personally, I’m soooo happy to be able to hang at my local coffee shop again and see the friendly faces of community regulars. It’s also nice to hear about similar experiences and frustrations (Covid snarkiness and downright rage in some cases). It somehow helps to know you’re not alone. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Covid and the reframe...

As the pandemic continues to evolve, what may have helped us cope at the outset may not do the trick any longer. So how can we stay resilient? Binghamton University’s Craig Polizzi and Steven Jay Lynn argue that much of it comes down to reframing our situation. When we treat difficult circumstances as potential openings for problem solving and beneficial change, we can dial down the stress and anxiety of situations we can’t control.

— Scott Osler (Editor at LinkedIn)

There’s certainly a level of Covid rage out there. Very understandable, though not so fun when you see people almost come to blows over social distancing at the drug store. ;) We’re facing scary financial circumstances (personally and country wide), endless restrictions, line ups and the outright loss of treasured activities. Personally, I’ve been missing travel, my complex’s outdoor pool and gym and just hugging and hanging with friends and family. I’m trying to focus on the positives that may come out of all this, like maybe new unexpected treatments? Better work-life balance? Greater appreciation for the simple things? Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Exercise does wonders...

Exercise does wonders. It leads to new brain cells with better connectivity, better blood supply, improved mood, overall wellbeing, healthier weight management, a decrease in diabetes and a stronger heart, better sleep and a reduction in inflammation.

— Dr Cresswell

Wow. I knew exercise was good for us. I didn’t realize it leads to new brain cells and reduced inflammation. Cool. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Didn’t fully understand it...

The other day I caught myself thinking a lot about something and I asked myself:
“Why am I still thinking about this? I didn’t even fully understand it.”
And that’s when I realized that that was my reason.

— Unknown

My favourite therapist says when we’re young, not only are we impressionable, but we also do not have the capacity to understand much of what’s happening around us. Therefore, one of the ways we can achieve greater peace and harmony today is to go back in time and bring awareness, clarity and resolution to some of our older, problematic experiences. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Ask for it...

You only get what you ask for. The confidence to use your voice is one of the most important skills to learn in life and business.

— Rebecca Minkoff (New York based global fashion designer/brand and Founder of The Female Founder Collective)

I read a great book called Ask and It Is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks. Game changer. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Attract better...

When you start taking care of yourself, you start feeling better, you start looking better, and you even start to attract better.

It all starts with you.

— Unknown

I ended up doing exactly that after a bad break up many years ago. I was prepared to hunker down and wait for the “right” match/partner for me. No more almosts and no more square peg in the round hole. Meanwhile, I devoted all of my time and energy to personal goals; a little bit of extra effort at work each day (one more phone call, email or admin task), I gave up sugar for 3 - 4 years and continue to minimize. Most importantly, I chose to nurture myself above all (spending more time reading/writing/exercising or what have you, rather than doing things out of duty and obligation). Six years later the results continue to be quite miraculous. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Opening up about the “ambiguous loss”...

How to stay connected given ongoing pandemic limitations

Sinead Smyth (Licensed marriage and family therapist) says we should open up about how hard this global pandemic is. There are so many parts of our lives that have changed without our consent, and we may be feeling a sense of loss or anxiety. Smyth says if we don’t share our feelings (particularly with our significant other), we may feel an even bigger sense of disconnect. She says if all we can muster is five minutes of affection at the end of a long day (of 24/7 working/living at home together), that can go a long way.

I have to admit, the restrictions are getting to me. An acquaintance at the coffee shop confided in me this morning. His son just welcomed a baby boy and the family is unable to rally around and celebrate at the hospital. We also lamented the days of lounging with a newspaper and enjoying the sense of community, which now has a sixty minute time limit. This was one of my favourite moments during Covid. It warmed my heart to be able to bond over this strange and unsettling experience with a familiar local. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

7 Secrets of Personal Development...

From Dale Carnegie Training

1. Only you can take charge of your personal development.
2. Development is a personal process.
3. Success often occurs in places where you least expect it.
4. Focus on the little things around you, not just the bigger picture.
5. Improving your listening skills will make you a better communicator.
6. Never stop learning new skills and practicing basic ones.
7. Success starts with failure and is a “trial and error” process.

A very challenging marriage led me to life altering relationship skills workshops. I was surprised to learn about the limitations of my own communication skills. For example, I tended to avoid conflict, thinking things would resolve in time. I also tended to defend myself, rather than listen and try to understand the other person’s grievance. If we don’t learn such skills from our family of origin, when and how do we learn them? I certainly didn’t learn relating skills from K-12, or even in college, other than one fantastic “group dynamics” psychology course. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

What you really want...

Sometimes you just need to be alone to find out who you really are and what you really want.

— Unknown

I didn’t necessarily make the decision to be alone, but I knew I’d rather be alone than be in another one of those painful relationships that’s a struggle for both people. Being alone after a bad break up was the best thing that ever happened to me. I conducted a post mortem on all of my past relationships and my mistake became very, very clear. There were actually deal breakers within each partnership. I just hadn’t admitted it. For example, one of my partners was chronically late, even to important family functions and movies (and I absolutely HATE missing the beginning of a movie. In fact, I’d rather not see the movie at all). We were also the “Odd Couple” at home. I’m a crazy neat freak, and my partner was, well let’s just say, the opposite, Lol. On my last relationship, I played it safe and ended up in something that was quite pleasant actually, but not, in truth, a passionate, in love partnership. We were fairly compatible collaborators, who treated each other well, but there was no glue, no real partnership there. We ended up going in different directions and that was perfect. This relationship due diligence led to the easiest and most fulfilling life partnership ever. We like to do the same things, we have the same goals and notions for the rest of our lives together, we have chemistry to burn, and we know how to navigate troubled waters with respect, love and kindness toward one another. We always take the time to listen to each other’s concerns/feelings/wants/fears/disappointments. From there we are able to make requests of one another and happily make plans that accommodate us both. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Not expecting perfection...

“I Love You” means that I accept you for the person that you are,
and that I don’t wish to change you into someone else.
It means that I do not expect perfection from you,
just as you don’t expect it from me.
“I Love You means that I will love you and
and stand by you even through the worst of times.
It means loving you when you are in a bad mood
or too tired to do the things I want to do.
It means loving you when your are down,
not just when you’re fun to be with.

— Deanne Laura Gilbert

Trial and error pretty much defines my young romantic life. What I learned in the end, thank God, is that the match is a huge factor. My earlier relationships were great in many ways and I can see why I chose the partners I did. I just needed to be more honest and clear about my likes/dislikes, wants/needs, deal breakers/acceptable quirks etc. Once I wrote out a detailed description of my ideal mate and the life I wanted to live, the perfect partner soon followed, and was easy to recognize. Our uber compatibility makes life easy. We like to do the same things and even when our little idiosyncrasies pop up, they’re sort of endearing. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Sets you free...

Holding a grudge doesn’t make you strong;
it makes you bitter.
Forgiving doesn’t make you weak;
it sets you free.

— davewillis.org (Author of The Naked Marriage)

I remember feeling silently angry after a particularly bad break up... only, apparently it wasn’t so silent after all. When the third person I respect and trust told me I’d turned into bitter, angry girl, I stopped that instant. I didn’t realize my anger was seeping out. Just sayin’ ;)  Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

At war with ourselves?...

People at war with themselves will always cause collateral damage in the lives of those around them.

— John Mark Green (Author of Taste the Wild Wonder: Poems. Green has a substantial following for his poetry internationally and in the US. His writing covers a broad range of topics, including love and romance, overcoming abusive relationships, nature and personal growth. His writing challenges the reader to see the world in fresh, new ways).

As a child of warring parents (young love and a difficult match for sure), I can attest to that. The ongoing fighting absolutely landed on the three of us kids. The lack of peaceful or productive resolution didn’t exactly arm us with negotiation, or conflict resolution skills either. Luckily, it’s never too late to learn some of these critical relationship skills. A series of weekend workshops taught me how to “clear” with people when conflict arises. I was hugely intimidated until I learned that clearing just means inviting each person to express their thoughts and feelings in order to achieve a better understanding and outcome. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Reshaping habits...

Change might not be fast and it isn’t always easy.
But with time and effort,
almost any habit can be reshaped.

— Charles Duhigg (Pulitzer prize winning reporter and author of Smarter Faster Better, about the science of productivity, and The Power of Habit, about the science of habit formation in our lives, companies and societies).

In The Power of Habit Duhigg explains how habits work. He dug into personal experience in order to diagnose his own habits. He found himself going to the cafeteria for a cookie every afternoon, which had caused unwanted weight gain. He set about identifying the “cue,” or the cookie craving, which happened every day at around 2:30-2:45. He then observed the “routine”, which was going up the elevator to the cafeteria, buying a cookie, and then chatting with colleagues. He determined that the “reward” was actually talking to friends for about 10 mins before going back to work. So the habit was not actually about the cookie, but about taking a break and socializing. Duhigg was able to re-shape the habit by going over to someone’s desk for a chit-chat, instead of heading to the cafeteria. He noticed the urge to go get cookie actually disappeared. Super interesting stuff. I’ll have to look at my own treat cravings. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl