Be a good listener...

Be a good listener. Your ears will ever get you in trouble.

— Frank Tyger (Brooklyn-born Cartoonist and Humorist for the Trenton Times. Frank’s editorial work focused on national and social issues of the day, and celebrated the humour and positive side of the human spirit).

My favourite therapist taught me that we can only gain by listening to others. He says that if we strive to understand the thoughts and feelings of our loved ones, we will build trust and intimacy, the best foundation for a happy, long lasting relationship. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Starting over...

I’m starting over.
- A new pattern of thoughts.
- A new wave of emotions.
- A new connection to the world.
- A new belief system in myself.

— Unknown

I did that after my last break up. I had been avoiding the conclusion of that relationship because break ups suck ;) But it really bit me in the but. I thought, right, this is the last time I plan to go through a painful ending. I went back to the drawing board, worked with a couple of helpful coaches (life coaching/energy person, traditional therapist/relationship skills courses and EMDR therapist, to make sure I covered all the bases). Needless to say, I landed in my dream job and met the love of my life. Luckily I did learn new relationship skills because no matter how great any relationship is, there are always things to navigate. So when something comes up, we’re champs in my opinion. We share our thoughts/emotions/experiences/desires in a pretty calm way, even when the subject matter is sensitive and charged. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Relationship skills...

Finally realized I was never asking for too much,
I was just asking the wrong person.

— Unknown

I have two thoughts. First off, I’ve learned that we need to know ourselves well enough and honour ourselves enough to select the right match. Then we need enough relationship skills to get us past the typical relationship roadblocks. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Men and women...

Silence is a woman’s loudest cry. You can always tell she’s really hurt when she starts ignoring you.

— Unknown

It took me a long time to speak up, rather than brood silently. I don’t know why, but I, like a lot of other women I presume, used to think my boyfriend/husband should be able to read my mind, Lol. I figured he should know what I need and want and why I may be upset, if he knows me at all. Wrong! I now know that us women need to clearly state our preferences and desires, so our guy can be the hero once in a while. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Explain your anger...

Explain your anger, don’t express it, and you will immediately open the door to solutions instead of arguments.

— Unknown

Here here. I grew up in world war three at home and never saw resolution. My favourite therapist taught me that anger could be healthy and constructive. “I am angry because...” He says anger alerts us to how we’re feeling and what we need. From there we can make requests. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

There’s always truth...

There’s always

Some truth behind “just kidding”
Knowledge behind “I don’t know”
Emotions behind “I don’t care”
Pain behind “It’s okay”

— thesuccessclub

My favourite therapist says a big part of having our own back is speaking our truth; saying ‘no’ when we need to take care of ourselves instead, requesting a change in behaviour when it’s hurtful to us, speaking up even when it’s uncomfortable. I find this takes practice and courage. Just sayin’ :) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Managing fear...

I don’t try to kill off my fear. I make space for it. Heaps of space. I allow my fear to live and breathe and stretch out its legs comfortably. It seems to me the less I fight my fear, the less it fights back.

— Elizabeth Gilbert (Author of Eat, Pray, Love)

They say what we focus on expands, so Gilbert’s plan makes good sense. Notice the fear, allow it to be there and then let it gently subside. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The power of faith...

Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.

— Unknown

From everything I’ve been reading, faith is the most important factor in realizing our dreams. They say, if we allow fear and doubt to creep into our thoughts, we risk compromising the manifestation our deepest desires. (I highly recommend the book Ask and It is Given by Esther Hicks and Jerry Hicks). Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Until you accept this...

You cannot move on until you accept this:
* You will not receive closure in every situation, but you can create it for yourself.
* Most of what other people do is about them, not you.
* Some things cannot be explained.
* Some people won’t apologize because they can’t.
* You cannot change people, no matter how much you think they need to change. People change themselves.

— Nedra Glover Tawwab (Licensed therapist and sough-after relationship expert, who has recently been featured in The New York Times, The Guardian, Psychology Today, Self and Vice. She is also the Founder and owner of the group therapy practice Kaleidoscope Counselling. Tawwab’s philosophy is that a lack of boundaries and assertiveness underlie most relationship issues. She helps people create healthy relationships).

My favourite therapist would agree. He talks a lot about having our own backs, which means putting our own health and well being ahead of duty and obligation. It’s not easy saying no to loved ones and, for me, seems to take practice. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The art of communication...

People who can’t communicate think everything is an argument.

— Unknown

I don’t know about you, but I certainly didn’t learn great communication skills from my family of origin. I remember a lot of yelling and sometimes breaking dishes, but I saw no resolution. I continued to duck for cover for years to come. Avoidance was my go-to, as I would rather die than face scary conflict and people’s anger/backlash. I first learned about “addressing” issues and “clearing” with people from a genius psychologist and his life altering relationship workshops (check out Joelbrass.com if you’re interested in learning more). I was hugely intimidated during the first few exercises. We had to approach anyone in the room who made us feel uncomfortable and explore the issue. Silently, I thought “Hell no!” Interestingly enough, a couple of people in the room had the courage to invite me to chat. Much to my surprise, the exchange was kind, warm and enlightening. The first conversation went something like this. “I wanted to be honest about my thoughts and feelings. I’ve been uncomfortable with you and I think I’ve been judging you because you remind me of my high school girlfriend and she really hurt me.” The second conversation was similar. “I’ve been feeling uncomfortable with you. I’ve been judging you because people who look like you seem to have it all and that makes me angry. After getting to know you, I realize you had a very difficult upbringing and you’re actually very sensitive and kind. I judged you unfairly.” Wow. Talk about changing the face of “communication.” I’m still learning and practicing how to say things, but I do know that inviting someone to chat about challenges with kindness and curiosity is a great start to improving relationships. Just sayin’ :) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

When judged by others continued...

7 Things to Remember When Being Judged by Others:
1. It’s not about you, it’s about them.
2. It doesn’t matter what they think, it matters what you think.
3. You don’t have to convince them of anything.
4. You don’t need them to know the truth, you need to remind yourself of the truth.
5. You don’t need them to accept you or the situation, you need to come to your own acceptance of yourself and the situation.
6. You can’t stop them judging, so focus all your energy on detaching.
7. If they’re judging you about something you already feel insecure about, then it’s a blessing in disguise...

Life is just showing you what you need to heal within.

— Bernadette Logue (Author and Transformation Life Coach. She draws from her extensive experience in corporate peak performance and personal development, merged with age-old spiritual wisdom and conscious living practices. Logue has clients located across the USA, Canada, UK, South Africa, Asia and Australia).

My favourite therapist says typically we need to address the binds and wounds of our past/upbringing  in order to gain the emotional/spiritual/mental freedom required to experience a happier, healthier life. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

When judged by others...

You don’t need them to accept you or the situation. You need to come to your own acceptance of yourself and the situation.

— Bernadette Logue

My favourite therapist says we need to take a journey inward and determine the necessary and appropriate boundaries to protect our health and well being. He says once we know and understand ourselves better, we will be more accepting of ourselves and able to make healthier choices. Just sayin’ :) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Learn too late...

10 things people learn too late:
1. Everything is temporary
2. Life isn’t fair
3. Family matters more than friends
4. Others treat you the way you treat yourself
5. Beneath anger there’s always fear
6. Happiness is a choice and requires hard work
7. A lifetime isn’t so long as you think
8. The biggest risk is not taking any risks
9. Things don’t matter so much
10. You played it too safe

— Unknown

Two things stand out for me. First, my favourite therapist says beneath anger is always hurt, particularly regarding our background/family of origin/past relationships. He believes we should delve into that fear/anger and resolve/heal those old wounds, which likely stand between us and better quality relationships. Second, # 4 is interesting. I hadn’t thought of it that way. I’ve heard the expression “we teach others how to treat us”, but not “others treat you the way you treat yourself.” Makes me realize I should nurture and spoil myself more. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Nothing to prove...

Learn to be okay with people not knowing your side of the story.
You have nothing to prove to anyone.

— Unknown

In my experience, the truth tends to surface. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Self discovery...

Journal Prompts for Self Discovery
1. What am I most proud of?
2. What am I grateful for..
3. What would I tell my future self?
4. If I could do anything, what would it be?
5. What are 7 things that make me happy?
6. What would my perfect day look like?
7. What are my strengths?
8. What are my weaknesses?
9. What do I need more of in my life?
10. What do I need less of?

— Unknown

My favourite therapist says we need to get in touch with how we’re feeling. From there we can determine what we need and pursue a path of deeper happiness. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Everything will make sense...

Someday everything will make sense. So, for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.

— Unknown

They say what we resist persists. I have found that what I resisted most ended up bringing the biggest rewards (like getting out of the wrong relationship, leaving a job with a tyrant manager, eating less sugar etc). Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Brave enough...

If you’re brave enough to say goodbye,
life will reward you with a new hello.

— Paulo Coelho (Author of best-selling book, The Alchemist, which sold 35 million copies and is the most translated book in the world by a living author).

I wish I could tell my younger self this. I would have saved myself a couple of difficult relationships and challenging work situations. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Taking risks...

Take risks:
If you win, you will be happy;
if you lose, you will be wise.

— Unknown

It wasn’t until I survived really hard times that I fully understood this notion. There’s something about finding a way through the unexpected and terrifying. We’re smarter and more resourceful than we think. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Break the cycle...

If you were judged, choose understanding.
If you were rejected, choose acceptance.
If you were shamed, choose compassion.
Be the person you needed when you were hurting,
not the person who hurt you.
Vow to be better than what broke you - to heal instead of becoming bitter
so you can act from your heart, not your pain.

— Unknown

My favourite therapist says unless we choose to address old wounds, they tend to silently run the show, in the background, often without our awareness. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl