Rushed relationships...

Don’t rush into a relationship. Focus on finding yourself first.

- Unknown

If I could go back in time, I would tell my younger self all about this. I didn’t realize how important a great match is. I thought romance was love. It turns out, love is so much more than attraction. I wasn’t able to determine my perfect match until I figured out, in truth, who I am and what I love doing and not doing. Turns out we can’t fake it forever and as much as we might want a partner, the “wrong” partner is a gruelling choice. At least it was for me. Just sayin’ :) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Being happy...

Being happy is a very personal thing and it really has nothing to do with anyone else.

- Unknown

I’m not so sure. Human beings are complex. We each come to the table with a certain genetic (and chemical/hormonal?) pre-disposition, ingrained conditioning from birth, potentially painful and far reaching life experiences, birth order and such. In my experience, even when we’re determined to heal (and seek counseling or what have you) and put the past behind us, we can fall back when “triggered.” Just sayin’ :) Hugs. xo

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Your whole life...

There is only one person you spend your whole life with, and that is yourself. If you aren’t okay with you, then there’s an issue.

- Unknown

It feels like we grow up behind the eight ball. Our parents (well-meaning I’m sure) “mentor” and “guide” us in a way that can leave us feeling judged and dismished. We’re also graded by teachers and compared to our fellow students. This carries on in our jobs, where managers review us once or more a year. My favourite therapist says that we end up “internalizing” that “parental” voice and continue critiquing ourselves. Yuck. Not much warm and fuzzy about that. Supposedly, if we can remain aware of that hard driving voice within, we can change our thoughts and have a positive impact on how we feel about ourselves. Just sayin’ :) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Be confident...

Be confident.

Too many days are wasted comaring ourselves to others and wishing to be something we aren’t.
Everybody has their own strengths and weaknesses, and it is only when you accept everything you are - and aren’t - that you will truly succeed.

- Unknown

I can relate in a big way. After a bad break up, I knew I needed to go back to the drawing board. I thought a lot about the kind of life I want to live and how I like to spend my time. I made a very comprehensive list of my qualities, interests, desires and goals. I forgave myself for any perceived limitations and decided to make no apologies if my list isn’t interesting enough or if my hobbies and interests aren’t broad enough (i.e. I don’t like hiking or camping and spend probably too much time watching movies, reading magazines and listening to music). I mean, who’s to say how we should spend our time anyway. Are we uncultured if we don’t spend enough time in museums? Whatever the case may be, I decided to allow myself to enjoy what I enjoy and to choose someone who wants the same kind of life. My miracle happened. I met the love of my life and wow, how much easier life is. No more heavy compromises and unpleasant weekends. No more arguments. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. xo

Blessings,

Chatgirl

From Mother Teresa...

Found written on the wall in Mother Teresa’s home for children in Calcutta:

People are often unreasonable, irrational and self-centred.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.
Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten.
Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.
Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

I love the notion and goal of playing our own game and ignoring what people think. It’s not easy though. We have the peanut gallery of friends, family, colleagues, managers, the general public. It’s not quite as bad as high school, but I think we are still affected by what our community thinks. Just sayin’ :) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Not about you...

Note to Self:

You can’t control how other
people receive your energy.
Anything you do or say
gets filtered through the
lens of whatever they are
going through at the moment,
Which is not about you.

Just keep doing your thing
with as much integrity and
LOVE as possible.

- Unknown

I don’t know why this is so hard to remember. I guess we’re just sensitive creatures.
Just sayin’ :) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

True religion...

I believe that the only true religion consists of having a good heart.

- Dalai Lama

My father was raised Catholic and so was I, sort of. My Mother found herself in a motel with nothing to read at one point (we were on the road for my brother’s soccer game), and so she read the bible from the bedside drawer. She decided we should all be baptized just to make sure we wouldn’t go to hell. Needless to say, we all got baptized when I was five years old and my parents got remarried in a Catholic Church. Mum would drag us to Church when she was up to it and otherwise we’d all get to sleep in. Dad had better things to do on a Sunday morning and said he didn’t need to attend Church to be a good human being anyway. I’m not saying my Dad lived up to those values perfectly, but his philosophy stuck with me. Just sayin’ :) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Healing ourselves...

Healing comes from taking responsibility: to realize that it is you - and no one else - that creates your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions.

- Peter Shepherd (Psychotherapist, Founder of Trans4mind.com, author of Transforming the Mind and Daring to be yourself. Interestingly, Shepherd abandoned civil engineering studies in order to pursue a path of greater enlightenment).

My favourite therapist would echo these sentiments. He says our parents did the best they could and now it’s up to us. We can be upset about our upbringing and complain about what we didn’t get, but no one’s coming at this point. We have to pick up where our parents left off and find our own way to a great life, with all the things we want and need. I think we have high hopes for our primary love relationship as our big support system, but my various coaches seem to agree that until we’re on solid ground with ourselves first, we’ll likely face issues in our love lives. Those pesky unmet needs tend to land on the new love and our expectations of our partner are probably too high. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. xo

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Still succeed...

Don’t forget, you can:

* Start late
* Start over
* Be unsure and uncertain
* Look different
* Act different
* Try and fail

And still succeed.

- Unknown

So many success stories include all of the above. The common thread seems to be belief in oneself and/or the goal in mind. Just sayin’ :) 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Listen to understand...

The biggest problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.

- Unknown

Particularly in a disagreement/argument, we want to be heard. We almost need to take turns having the mic so to speak, so both people can be heard. We’re all very different and we don’t necessarily want the same things at the same time, so it can be difficult to achieve an understanding. I guess that’s where give and take/agree to disagree  come in.  Just sayin’ :) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Sunny and sunnier?...

I’ve tackled my Achilles heel (family/upbringing/striving for greater security from within) through various helping professionals for years now. My favourite therapist advises a paradigm shift. Rather than wanting life to be “sunny and sunnier” he says we must embrace both “good” and “bad” emotions because they reveal important information to guide us in our relationships. If we find ourselves angry and/or upset, odds are our boundaries are being crossed and we may need to “address” the issue. Apparently, it is in the best interest of ourself and others to do so. I still prefer “good” emotions and want life to be sunnier, but I’m more tolerant and welcoming of the difficult moments. I can see that my toughest moments in life have led to my happiest life changes. “Addressing” issues continues to be a work in progress, but I can certainly see that great communication/sharing honest feelings and needs tends to strengthen my relationships. Just sayin’ :) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Trusting ourselves...

Practicing self-love means learning how to trust ourselves, to treat ourselves with respect, and to be kind and affectionate toward ourselves.

- Brene Brown

Thing is, phrases of great advice are not a “how-to” manual. Our upbringing can leave us with problematic hard-wiring and deep rooted insecurities, which may require a deeper look. My favourite therapist believes that our old wounds are like programs running in the background, messing with our most important relationships. I’ve found self-love grows with guided healing and healthy self-focus on a very regular basis. Just sayin’ :) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The “Inner Child” and our emotional complexity...

Our lives are shaped, in almost equal measure, by those who have loved us and by those who couldn’t love us.

- Joel Brass (Therapist and Seminar leader)

Joel Brass conducts a seminar called Healing the Original Pain of Your LIfe: The Inner Child Seminar, which explores the following:

* The buried life long pain that we are still carrying around with us.
* How to become unstuck from blaming others for our pain.
* How to begin healing our pain on our own.
* How to be the primary caregiver to your inner child.

Brass contends that our emotional pain from the past lives on in destructive patters that compromise our most important relationships. He says that “we are legitimate victims of our world, of our upbringing, of our ignorance. The victim we are must be attended to and healed.”

I have attended this seminar a few times over the years and I have found that much like a physical injury, the “work” seems to have many layers and most certainly takes time and patience. Just sayin’ :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Helping or enabling?...

Sometimes you think you’re helping someone up, but they’re actually pulling you down.

- Steve Maraboli

I have had such an experience, more than once actually. That old saying “God helps those who help themselves” is wise and profound after all (whether you’re religious or not). We can’t do the doing for others, at least not indefinitely. There’s a difference between a temporary set back and a problematic approach to life. I’ve had to realize that some people live in drama/anger/negativity/regret/feeling sorry for themselves/thinking the world owes them something/carrying a chip on the shoulder mindset. I don’t think these people realize they could change everything with a new and improved/different/more positive outlook. I don’t want to be judgmental, but the black cloud does seem to follow these people, doesn’t it? Just sayin’ :)  Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Understanding and perspective...

Open-minded people don’t care to be right, they care to understand. There’s never a right or wrong answer. Everything is about understanding.

- Unknown

The older I get, the more I realize I don’t even know what I don’t know. Luckily, I also find it refreshing to learn about different perspectives. Other people are really smart and talented. Just sayin’ :) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Mentally strong...

Things Mentally Strong People Do:
1. They move on. They don’t wast time feeling sorry for themselves.
2. They keep control. They don’t give away their power.
3. The embrace change. They welcome challenges.
4. They stay happy. They don’t complain. They don’t waste energy on things they can’t control.
5. They are kind, fair and unafraid to speak up. They don’t worry about pleasing other people.
6. They are willing to take calculated risks. They weigh the risks and benefits before taking action.
7. They invest their energy in the present. They don’t dwell on the past.
8. They accept full responsibility for their past behaviour. They don’t make the same mistake over and over.
9. They celebrate other people’s success. They don’t resent that success.
10. They are willing to fail. They don’t give up after failing. They see every failure as a chance to improve.
11. They enjoy their time alone. They don’t fear being alone.
12. They are prepared to work and succeed on their own merits. They don’t feel the world owes them anything.
13. They have staying power. They don’t expect immediate results.
14. They evaluate their core beliefs - and modify as needed.
15. They expend their mental energy wisely. They don’t spend time on unproductive thoughts.
16. They think productively. They replace negative thoughts with productive thoughts.
17. They tolerate discomfort. They accept their feelings without being controlled by them.
18. They reflect on their progress every day. They take time to consider what they’ve achieved and where they are going.

Very well said and worth striving for. Just sayin’ :) Hugs.

Happy 2018!

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Inner world...

Happy people build their inner world. Unhappy people blame their outer world.

- Unknown

One of my coaches schooled me on the victim mindset. She says if we do not take at least some responsibility for what happens in our lives, we leave ourselves powerlessness. On the other hand if we believe we can have a positive impact on our world, it is possible to improve on our circumstances. As they say, believing is half the battle. Just sayin’ :) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl