Do you take responsibility for other people’s problems?…

My childhood trauma didn’t make me stronger it made me a people pleaser, it made it impossible for me to give up on people, it made me exhaustingly empathetic, it made me constantly have the urge to take responsibility for everybody’s problems even it I didn’t cause them, and it made me only able to feel in extremes.

— Unknown 

I can relate. It’s taken long term healing and much education to figure out how to have my own back. Individual therapy allowed me to grieve and mostly resolve my past trauma (deep rooted family stuff is still a bit sticky). Group therapy was brilliant in teaching me new emotional/communication/relationship skills, such as “clearing” which facilitates a mutually respectful resolution of tension between two people. I’m a big fan of therapy. I find it to be a very safe, comforting and supportive experience. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Forgiveness is a gift to ourselves…

When you forgive others, they may not notice, but you will heal. 

Forgiveness is not something we do for others; it is a gift to ourselves.

— David Whyte, Poet 

I’ve worked on forgiveness for a while now, and I logically understand the concept of forgiving to free up valuable energy and emotion. But wow, it’s not always easy getting past some of the old hurts. I’ve ended up needing professional help, and energy work, to get the monkey off my back. The deep rooted family stuff is the most persistent. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Are you an empath?…

Empaths love:

• Decluttered spaces
• Spending time in nature
• Reading self-growth books
• Water. Lakes. Baths. Ocean
• Spending time with animals
• Watching uplifting comedies
• Helping others find their truth
• Having conversations about Universe
• Staying cozy in bed with a warm cup of tea.

— jane_lightworker IG

I’ve been told I’m an empath, which explains my need for the above list. I would add needing a lot of downtime, and not loving crowds. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Extreme independence a trauma response…

The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response.

Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. And you needed it to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you.

From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you.

You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people. But only up to a certain point.  

— Unknown 

Early in my healing journey, my favourite therapist said “I have a feeling I am the first person, particularly  first man, that you will ever trust.” He was right. The second person I had to learn to trust was myself. My therapist diagnosed me with a “broken compass.” He said “The issue is that you are avoiding the so called negative emotions, which are very important in making decisions and taking proper care of yourself.” I grew up with a lot of anger and violence, and not much resolution. Needless to say, I did not witness healthy communication/relationships skills. Fortunately, I was able to learn how to experience anger and frustration positively, to draw healthy boundaries and to act on my own behalf. It’s never too late to learn important people skills. It’ll change your life. Just sayin’:) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Normal in relationships…

• Different love languages. Them not showing love the way you do does not mean they do not love you.
• Not always talking. Quiet time is completely fine. 
• Not knowing what you want sometimes.
• Not always communicating and texting via phone.
• Relationships changing as you change and grow as a person.
• Being grossed out by something your parnter does.
• Your parnter not being obligated to fulfill every single need of yours.
• Not having a lot of similar interests (movies/music/activities).
• Differences in opinions and viewpoints.
• Having boundaries (around space, touch, words)
• Feeling bored at times.
• Not feeling attracted to your partner 100% of the time.

— Nawal Moustafa, MA., Insta: thebraincoach (Clinical Neuropsychology Ph.D. Candidate)

When I was younger, I absolutely looked for a partner to meet most of my needs; to provide comfort, safety, support, security, romance, companionship, affection, acceptance, and on and on. Fortunately, my second husband basically sent me to therapy to address my baggage (upbringing wounds and ongoing family toxicity) because he felt these challenges were hindering my ability to be emotionally grounded enough to be in a healthy relationship. He was 100% right. Thank you ex-husband for leading me down the path of emotional stability, self-assurance and fulfillment . Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Childhood trauma not just abuse. Can also be due to…

Childhood Trauma Isn’t Just the Result of Being Abused. It Can Also be Due to:

• Being left to “fend for yourself” when you needed safety and security
• Having your feelings invalidated and denied
• Being forced to “self-soothe” alone and find an escape from your painful reality (e.g. video games)
• Having to hide your “true self” because it wasn’t accepted by those you craved to be understood by
• Having your parents consistently prioritize themselves (or their work) over yourself
• Feeling like you have to compete/prove yourself to receive the love and attention you sought

If you can relate, please know you are worthy of love and compassion.

— thedepressionpoject.com 

I attended many, many (22 I think?) group therapy weekend workshops with approximately 16 people per class (so, a sample size of 352’ish people), and it was really interesting the collection of issues. Some people had experienced the worst abuses imaginable, while a few had issues that seemed much less impactful, and everything in between. What I learned is that we each struggled similarly in our  relationships and with our overall happiness and well being. For example, one person was dealing with living in her rock star brother’s shadow her whole life. On the surface, this seemed so much less damaging than those who had been seriously abused from within their family of origin. But in the end, both had similar challenges. Above all, I witnessed the benefits of a communal, safe, respectful, unconditionally accepting environment on us all. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Not what you wanted, but needed for your well being…

Everybody talks about cutting people off, but nobody really talks about the grief that comes with having to stand firm on that decision - knowing it’s not what you wanted, but it’s what was necessary for your well being. 

 — Unknown 

My savvy coach educated me about complicated grieving. My mother died last year and I had mixed emotions. On the one hand, we were not close, but on the other, we lost the centre piece, or foundation, of our family. And unfortunately, the three of us siblings have fallen out as well. It sucks. Once my mother passed, I realized I didn’t have to put up with certain things anymore, and so I let a few additional relationships fall away as well. I feel quite relieved and at peace, with less friction and drama, but I do miss the good parts of those relationships/people. Just sayin’ Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl