Black, white or grey?

Life would be so much easier if everything was black or white, conclusive, decided. Obviously we realize that few things in life are crystal clear, but we still seem to want and need a degree of certainty before embarking on a particular path. But the unknowns often leave us wading in what if's or should's (perhaps giving us something to fall back on. i.e. what other people think or what our culture or society thinks and dictates)... and many a time we find ourselves left in hesitation and procrastination.

It's easy to look at others and see the error of their ways, from infidelities, to white lies, denials or perceived mistreatments. We're not as capable of acknowledging these aspects of ourselves for some reason however, and we may focus on whether others are being honest with us and treating us fairly. Above all, we do not want to be hurt by others. We want some control over what happens to us and we struggle to understand, forgive and move on when we are slighted, betrayed or left behind in any way. Truth is though, not much in life is straight forward. There is a complexity to each one of us and there is an even greater complexity to our relationships. None of us know what's coming. None of us have control. We can certainly work on doing the right things - goal setting, affirmations, therapy, meditation, being cautious, thinking carefully, or what have you- but some things in life cannot be prevented or foreseen. Some things just happen. So, if we're hurt by others, or if we hurt others along the way, perhaps it's just life. It would be ideal if we could draw boundaries around people and dynamics. We may feel comfort in trying to control the outcome of our experiences, but perhaps we could find greater comfort in accepting that all anyone can do is their best... and sometimes there are forces beyond our control... even when we want the best for others and for ourselves, and we fight with everything in us to do the right thing.... sometimes, life just happens anyway. Maybe there's freedom in this awareness.. so that if we do get hurt or if we make a "mistake", we may allow it to be and move forward anyway... inviting ourselves to see some good in the experience or to pursue something life altering for ourselves or our choices... because in our experiences we will continue to find the grey. Maybe uncertainty is something to accept and become familiar with. Who knows what magic may show up if we stop trying to control every experience :) Hugs. (For more on this, check out You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay).

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Mixed messages

Searching for answers, fulfillment, happiness can be sooo confusing. There are a million bumper sticker type sayings telling us to throw caution to the wind, feel the fear and do it anyway, don't sweat the small stuff, step through new doors, dance like no one is watching etc. But then we're also supposed to set goals and write things down and focus on what we're trying to achieve and not float endlessly without direction... Whaaaaat? So which is it - plan and think carefully with focus, or live and let live? Maybe all of it... ?

The life coaches out there will say:

* Yes, have goals  - and writing them down and thinking about them is a tested and proven method of seeing our dreams come to fruition.
* In the meantime, live life and enjoy each moment.
* Try to "allow" whatever comes our way and observe without judgment and fear (if possible - not easy to do).. and just be ok with life, as is.

Most importantly... healing professionals will tell us to do as many things as possible to feel good; listen to music, be out in nature, spend time with children, dance, sing, spend time with people we really like and who accept us unconditionally.

Most of all, be nice to ourselves and give ourselves compliments whenever possible! Supposedly, if we think we're wonderful, others will too;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

"The wrong person can be the perfect person" too

For those who meet, fall in love and find their happily ever after - especially the high-school sweethearts, childhood sweethearts - such stability and security ... and possibly envy from the rest of us;) So many of us pick from the box of chocolates, sampling, contemplating, wanting more, or souring... and this can really go on. When it's fun, it's great and when it's not, the whole thing tires, does it not? For sure, but maybe if we attempt a paradigm shift, we can muster a few more chocolates, no matter how sweet or gross, Lol.

It's hard to look back on some of the crap romances without regret. It's so easy in hindsight to feel guilty or angry, thinking someone wasted our time, or we wasted their time. We can see clearly how wrong each situation was and we have a tendency to beat ourselves up, feeling that we're failing or making bad decisions. Relationship experts say, however, that whether we spend one night, one week,  a year, a lifetime, each interaction is valuable in some way. We may not see it right away, but if we're willing to consider that each person brought something meaningful, however small, into our awareness and into our lives, then we've come out ahead. The idea is to move toward better and better compatibility, having discovered over time what makes us feel good. If we can be ourselves with someone, that's a hell of a start. (For further exploration on healing past relationships, check out You Can Heal Your Heart, but Louise Hay and David Kessler... some very comforting ways of thinking about the past).

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The unlikely cure: non judgment

Why does judgment come so easy? Why do we go there? Why do we feel the need to review, analyze, critique, compare? And why does it feel so good to find fault out there somewhere, with others, with institutions, with life. We may gossip or complain, searching for the ultimate catharsis in the annoyances and disturbances of life. Interesting to ponder though, are we're feeling better after? Inlightening wisdom from experts of all walks of life contends that judgment actually has the opposite effect. Hmmmm....

So here's a rather profound way of thinking about things that are foreign, different, uncomfortable, unappealing. If we consider the spice section of the supermarket, we notice the expanse of flavours available. When we go to select the spices for our kitchen however, we merely look for the names of our personal choices and that's that. We are aware of the other spices - the ones we've not tried and have no reference point to, or the ones we're familiar with, but aren't our cup of tea - but we are comfortable with the existence of all of these options. Apparently, if we can look at people  and things in this way, we may achieve a level of healthy detachment. Although others may make decisions we don't understand or agree with, we have a shot at learning to accept them, or at least be comfortable with their existence. Ultimately, it is said that when we make allowances for others, we make allowances for ourselves as well and that can feel pretty freeing. Very cool :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Death by a thousand paper cuts

How do we know when to call it quits on something; a job, a relationship, friendship? We've probably all been in the situation where we keep having some unwanted experience and yet somehow we keep doing the same thing... and we're left cold or upset or wanting, over and over... and praying that something will miraculously change. Usually it doesn't and as the saying goes, the very definition of insanity is to continue doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Why do we do this? Why is it so hard to accept some realities? Well, there may be some assistance if the pro's and con's list isn't working.

According to Ask and It Is Given, by Esther and Jerry Hicks, if we can focus on "better feeling thoughts", we can help nudge ourselves out of the maze in our brains. When we're stuck in a repetitive pattern of thinking, particularly if the thoughts are pessimistic and/or depressive, we might want to try inserting a thought that makes us feel better. It doesn't even matter if the thought is in dreamland. The better the thought makes us feel, the easier it'll be to shift and eventually find our way up and out of the dark tunnel. This may not be easy at times, but apparently if we just keep trying, eventually we'll find ourselves in a better place. Maybe we could try it. We're worth it;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Where to put our baggage ;)

Over the years we collect possessions, some prized, some outdated and needing to be retired or re-gifted. In kind, our past relationships leave us with emotional belongings, some cherished, some lost, some niggling and unsettled. As the saying goes "the quality of our good-bye's determines the quality of our hello's" and so in pursuit of our highest good, the opportunity is available for us peer into our relationship dynamics of the past.

Relationship and grieving experts tell us to; not judge any experience as right or wrong, be gentle with ourselves and review what we received and did not receive from our past relationships. When we were with these past partners, did they bring love, light and joy into our lives? With the valuable insights gained, may we learn what we need in order to be fulfilled. May we find the capacity to give and receive love in more fulfilling ways. May we learn that love resides solely within us, first and foremost. May we believe that from this warm and nurturing place, the love we desire will find us.

Overcoming past loss and grief can be challening. The brain has a tendency to recycle negative, hurtful statements. Positive and productive affirmations are said to be miracle workers, if we give them a chance. Louise Hay and David Kessler, authors of You can Heal Your Heart, offer these statements for our contemplation:

I forgive myself
I totally release all past experiences
I am so happy to be healing old patterns
I lovingly heal my end in the relationship
I love myself no matter what
Even if I'm scared, I love myself
I am grateful for my life no matter what
I attract relationships that reflect who I am and what I want
Good things are on their way to me

May we feel better about today, all of our tomorrows and our connections with others.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Our addictive and obsessive tendencies

Wisdom from Rob Brezsny, The Westender

"We all have addictive and obsessive tendencies. They are fundamental to being human. So the challenge is not to eliminate them - that's not possible - but rather to harness them. If you hope to keep them from dragging you down, you must work hard to channel them into activities that enhance your life. How are you doing on this score? Are you chronically dependent on drugs, gambling, sugar, chaotic relationships? Or are you, instead, hooked on the courage you summon when you face your fears and the willpower you invoke as you free yourself from your limitations? ..."

It's never too late to "upgrade our addictive and obsessive tendencies" and create something different and better in our lives ... no pain, no gain, right;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl