Getting in touch with important unfelt feelings...

New research suggests why and how you should dig deep into your feelings.

According to a newly published journal article by Katherine Tillman of Northern Arizona University (2020), getting in touch with your “unfelt feelings” may be exactly what you need to do... an unfelt feeling is one that arises independently of your conscious awareness, affecting your actions whether you acknowledge it or not... what if these unfelt feelings lead to behaviours that are not so adaptive? Do you constantly look online for new information about how COVID-19 is spreading? Are you unable to sleep? Do you get angry at people you care about for no apparent reason? Without awareness of your feelings, these unchecked behaviours can take over your life.

— Susan Krause Whitbourne, Ph.D (Psychology Today, posted Oct 13 2020) 

My favourite therapist is a proponent of this philosophy and approach to treatment/improving one’s relationships/level of happiness and well being/success and fulfillment. He also recommends group therapy/relationship workshops, as listening to others’ stories and feelings can help us get in touch with some of our own deeper feelings and underlying issues. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“Mental traffic jam”...

When we learn how to take back controls that we’ve given away, we can get better at managing our attention and not surrendering to every distraction. Below are five elements of a broad basic plan for managing our attention, with techniques for developing habits to help us find focus and achieve our goals...

1. Energy - monitor our brain’s energy supply. When we invest our energy wisely, we can make sure the tank is full, allowing us to feel more positive. 

2. Emotion - the on-off switch for learning and peak performance. Our emotional state drives the quality of our focus, and the results we can achieve. Working within a group that is high on trust and low on fear will help us achieve our best. The better we understand ourselves, our personal psychology, and our emotional hot buttons, the better we’ll be able to achieve the right emotional state for focus. Positive emotion galvanizes our engagement.

3. Engagement - we must be interested in order to pay close attention. We must also be motivated. Interest and motivation equal engagement. Do what you love and what you’re good at. There should also be room for creative input, to prevent boredom.

4. Structure - How we shape our day, how we spend our time, the boundaries we create, the rules we follow, which assistants we apply, which filing system we use, which hours we keep, which breaks we take, which priorities we set up, which tasks we take on vs farm out, which plans we make and what flexibility we build in. Without structure, chaos reigns. We need to take control. 

5. Control - in today’s world, if we don’t take control of our time, it will be taken from us. Most of us flush at least 150 minutes every day without even noticing we’re doing it. 

These five elements combine to create a plan that will allow for optimum results without feeling frazzled and frantic. This plan can be individualized to one’s own situation, personality and emotional make up, but the basic elements can work for everyone.

— Dr Edward M Hallowell, MD (from Hallowell Center’s in Sudbury, Mass., New York City, and San Francisco, all specializing in training attention in people of all ages). 

Great advice, a great plan and the ideal time to try it out. Nothin’ to lose! Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

TLC for ourselves...

 “The hardest thing you will ever do is trust yourself,” says journalist Barbara Walters. Really? I don’t think so. In my experience, the hardest thing to do is to consistently treat ourselves with the loving care we need to be mentally and physically healthy. But I do acknowledge that trusting ourselves is also an iffy task for many of us. And yet that’s often because we don’t habitually give ourselves the loving care we need to be healthy. How can we trust ourselves if we don’t put in the work necessary to ensure our vitality? 

— Rob Brezsny, freewillastrology

I’ve read much about the “internalized parent” and our tendency to maintain the critiquing/judging/disciplining voice we endured to growing up. Problem is, much of that inner dialogue is negative and damaging to our sense of self and well being. The troubling inner monologue can lead to ongoing self-worth issues and leave us feeling unloveable. There are workshops/therapy that can address this often unconscious pattern. I’ve done a number of such weekend seminars and they’ve provided quite the reprieve and positive steps forward. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Letting ourselves off the hook...

I forgive people but that doesn’t mean I accept their behaviour or trust them. I forgive them for me, so I can let go and move on with my life. 

— Unknown

I’ve given forgiveness a lot of thought over the years. I’m a psychology major and I’ve since read loads of books and worked with numerous helping professionals (traditional therapy/life coaching/body talk/Craniosacral Therapy/relationship workshops - all of them worthwhile and life altering)... and still, I found forgiveness quite the process. I’ve just recently found a way to forgive a couple of individuals, with whom I’ve harboured long standing grievances. I gotta tell yah, it feels really good. I’ve been able to find the language that sits right with my heart and mind. I think of the person and say “I know that ____ did the best he/she could at the time. We all have flaws and we all make mistakes. I don’t like what he/she did and it deeply hurt me, but this is a reflection on him/her and not me. I want to be the best person I can be and I’m happy that I’m able to behave in a way that doesn’t hurt people, at least to my knowledge.” Something along those lines, anyway. For me, it feels good to let someone off the hook for their “bad” or “hurtful” behaviour because I also let myself off the hook for some of my own imperfect actions/behaviour. We all have our limitations and we don’t always get it right. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Best foot forward...

The best way to get people’s attention and hold it is by presenting to the world what we might call the best version of ourselves, which simply means just being genuine, being prepared, and being empathetic. But behaving in a genuine way, presenting that better version of yourself to the world, will give your words and actions authenticity, projecting a natural straightforward image of somebody who thinks clearly and who can express themselves with ease.

—Santiago Iniguez (President, IE University: Reinventing Higher Education)

My favourite therapist says that when we accept all of who we are, we’ll be more capable of authenticity, empathy, and better quality relationships. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Learning, unlearning and relearning...

Fast-thinking may help make us human, but slow-thinking completes our humanity. Hearing is fast — even hearing to extract information is fast — but listening is slow. Reaction with emotion is fast, but reaction with empathy — understanding the experiences of others — is slow. Slow-thinking is typically not just learning. Slow-thinking often begins with unlearning. Looking at the world in a different way — taking in new perspectives, working to resolve contradictory information, just taking time to process our thoughts and take measure of the act of thinking itself — all of these allow us to reshape our brain physically, to dismantle neurological connections and build new ones. Learning alone is not enough; we must complement learning with unlearning and relearning. In many ways, circumstances of the year 2020 have naturally pushed us toward slower thinking...

Sean Decatur (President at Kenyon College) 

What I learned from my favourite therapist is that we don’t necessarily learn all the necessary communication/relationships skills we may need to succeed in our careers/marriages/partnerships from our family of origin. I owe much of my success and fulfillment to the extra education/re-education. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Being yourself and feeling comfortable in your skin...

There are endless formulas about how to be confident. My experience has taught me it’s much simpler: Confidence is about being yourself and feeling comfortable in your skin. There is a societal notion that we need to be perfect and have all the answers. Have you ever met a perfect person? Me neither. I know I’m always going to have flaws, areas I need to grow, and things I don’t like about myself. I’m the first one to criticize myself but that doesn’t mean I can’t be self-assured. The two aren’t mutually exclusive... We don’t have to be good at everything. It’s better to be honest. Confidence is an inside job... Every win builds your belief in yourself. It’s shaky ground to define our abilities by things going right, though. I wouldn’t get through a week if I let my self-esteem get knocked everything time I made a mistake. Our resilience muscles have to be equally strong...

— Rebecca Minkoff (Founder of Rebecca Minkoff and the Female Founder Collective)

My favourite therapist gave me the best, most profound advice. He said “you need to have your own back, and that means embracing all of who you are and staying true to who you are, your likes/dislikes, needs, wants and deal breakers, particularly when it comes to relationships.” I gave this a ton of thought and spent a good year refining my personal story. Then I met the love of my life. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl