Are we ever truly free of our childhood and whatever family drama we were exposed to (and maybe continue to endure)? Even if we had a decent, good or great childhood, everyone comes away with some baggage. Interestingly, many people think it's completely pointless to revisit whatever trauma's we faced in our formative years. There is, however, a heck of a lot of evidence to challenge our avoidance of these profound moments of impact. The downside of looking at this "stuff" - well, it sucks, Lol;). There ain't nothin' fun about excavating trauma... The upside - we may actually grow up in a way we never knew possible, and stop putting our "stuff" onto our relationships... and we may end up more fulfilled in and of ourselves and enjoying better relationships than we could ever have imagined. So if we're interested in the upside and we're brave enough to go to the dark side for a bit - what do we do?
This is pretty heavy stuff and certainly not for the feint of heart. But if our relationships are troubled as a rule, or if we're on anti-depressants, Lol, maybe it's worth at least looking at. According to The Truth Will Set You Free by Alice Miller, it is mandatory that we look at how we were parented... not to lay blame, punish or hold a lifetime grudge over our parents, but to set ourselves free. According to Miller, we are shaped so profoundly by the way our parents "managed" us, that we carry on as adults with deeply rooted unmet needs. On some level, we remain that needy child, who took on the responsibility of trying to care take and please our parents. The only hope we had of being loved and cared for as children was to make sure our parents were happy ... and unless we go back and look at what was lacking for us, we will put our needs onto others. Supposedly we have to be honest and acknowledge what we needed and wanted and didn't get growing up. Once we do this, we will no longer look to our own children or significant other to make up for what we didn't get as children. Miller feels strongly that meditation, forgiveness and the like will not be sufficient in aiding our healing, unless we address our unmet needs first. This is no easy task and takes a hell of a lot of courage.... but the upside could be the proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow:)! Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Comic relief - nothing better than a good gut laugh;)
Enjoy! :)
Let's find reasons to laugh this year. They say it's really good for our health;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
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Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Divorce and the cohabitation effect
Where do we stand on living together these days? Are we opting for that trial run, or are we deciding it's better to make the commitment up front and head to the alter first? It's totally understandable to wanna test drive the day-to-day business of sharing a life together, but apparently, living together first does not guarantee a successful marriage down the road. Why is that??
Whether we're living together or going straight to marriage, the divorce rate continues to hover around the 50 % mark; 48% in Canada, 53 % in the US and as high as 71% in Belgium. Younger generations have opted to live together for a number of reasons, but often in the hopes of giving the relationship a trial run before marriage. Interestingly, the average age of divorce is 44 for men and 41 for women. In 1960 450,000 unmarried couples lived together and now the number is 7.5 million... and yet we're heading to divorce quicker and quicker, potentially younger and younger. So, statistics aside, why aren't we figuring things out a little better? According to Meg Jay, New York Times, we're not really communicating, Lol;) Couples often "slide" into cohabitation, rather than deciding on a committed move forward. One person may see moving in as a step toward marriage, where the other may see it either as a trial run or a way to push commitment further away. When couples start enjoying a lot of sleep overs, they may decide that it's both convenient and cost effective to share expenses... unfortunately breaking up can become very difficult - marriage or no marriage. There's nothing fun about dividing the shared possessions and mutual friends and then there are the hefty start up costs for a new place. Not enjoyable at all and so many people stay in troubled relationships, or stay too long because it's so unpleasant turning everything upside down. According to experts, we need to have a discussion up front. Not easy ... but maybe it's easier, and less costly overall, to have that awkward conversation at the beginning, rather than find our partner is not and was not thinking commitment. Apparently, if both people choose to live together, with long-term commitment in mind, the odds of success are high... but we all know how difficult these types of conversations are. Maybe we're afraid we're pushing the issue and that the other person will cut and run? Maybe we think the other person deserves a trial run and we can make things so great that we'll be loveable enough for the person to wanna stay;) Awww... ! Maybe we need to have more faith and love for ourselves. Maybe we need to know that we're a catch and that the right person would be totally cool with a conversation about the future... and if our person isn't cool with it, maybe we should be cutting and running ourselves, Lol;). Just sayin;) ... not easy to communicate, but it sure seems like we need to learn how if we're going to be happy in our relationships... and not waste a lot of time on the wrong ones. Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl.
Whether we're living together or going straight to marriage, the divorce rate continues to hover around the 50 % mark; 48% in Canada, 53 % in the US and as high as 71% in Belgium. Younger generations have opted to live together for a number of reasons, but often in the hopes of giving the relationship a trial run before marriage. Interestingly, the average age of divorce is 44 for men and 41 for women. In 1960 450,000 unmarried couples lived together and now the number is 7.5 million... and yet we're heading to divorce quicker and quicker, potentially younger and younger. So, statistics aside, why aren't we figuring things out a little better? According to Meg Jay, New York Times, we're not really communicating, Lol;) Couples often "slide" into cohabitation, rather than deciding on a committed move forward. One person may see moving in as a step toward marriage, where the other may see it either as a trial run or a way to push commitment further away. When couples start enjoying a lot of sleep overs, they may decide that it's both convenient and cost effective to share expenses... unfortunately breaking up can become very difficult - marriage or no marriage. There's nothing fun about dividing the shared possessions and mutual friends and then there are the hefty start up costs for a new place. Not enjoyable at all and so many people stay in troubled relationships, or stay too long because it's so unpleasant turning everything upside down. According to experts, we need to have a discussion up front. Not easy ... but maybe it's easier, and less costly overall, to have that awkward conversation at the beginning, rather than find our partner is not and was not thinking commitment. Apparently, if both people choose to live together, with long-term commitment in mind, the odds of success are high... but we all know how difficult these types of conversations are. Maybe we're afraid we're pushing the issue and that the other person will cut and run? Maybe we think the other person deserves a trial run and we can make things so great that we'll be loveable enough for the person to wanna stay;) Awww... ! Maybe we need to have more faith and love for ourselves. Maybe we need to know that we're a catch and that the right person would be totally cool with a conversation about the future... and if our person isn't cool with it, maybe we should be cutting and running ourselves, Lol;). Just sayin;) ... not easy to communicate, but it sure seems like we need to learn how if we're going to be happy in our relationships... and not waste a lot of time on the wrong ones. Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl.
Monday, January 5, 2015
Passion - the secret to a joyful life worth living
Hats off to this new year and the worthy pursuit of our most personal, passionate pursuits.... (if we so choose of course;)).
Some inspirational quotes:
* Often people attempt to live their lives backwards. They try to acquire more things, more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. We must first be who we really are, then do what we need to do, in order to have what we want.
* The heart to human excellence often begins to beat when we discover a pursuit that absorbs us, frees us, challenges us, and gives us a sense of meaning, joy and passion.
* Our work is to discover our work and then, with all our hearts, give ourselves to it.
* A writer writes. If one wants to be a writer, one must write. This concept can be universally applied.
* Everything worthwhile in life is work. But if it puts a smile on our face, it doesn't feel like work.
* Hard work becomes easy when our work becomes our play. Never underestimate the value of loving what you do (The 4-Hour Workweek).
(compliments of Angel Chernoff)
If we feel good and we're truly happy, does anything else really matter... Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Some inspirational quotes:
* Often people attempt to live their lives backwards. They try to acquire more things, more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. We must first be who we really are, then do what we need to do, in order to have what we want.
* The heart to human excellence often begins to beat when we discover a pursuit that absorbs us, frees us, challenges us, and gives us a sense of meaning, joy and passion.
* Our work is to discover our work and then, with all our hearts, give ourselves to it.
* A writer writes. If one wants to be a writer, one must write. This concept can be universally applied.
* Everything worthwhile in life is work. But if it puts a smile on our face, it doesn't feel like work.
* Hard work becomes easy when our work becomes our play. Never underestimate the value of loving what you do (The 4-Hour Workweek).
(compliments of Angel Chernoff)
If we feel good and we're truly happy, does anything else really matter... Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Love or something else?
What are we striving for in life? Money? Freedom? Sure;) No question, creature comforts, luxury, adventure, beautiful things, free time, travel etc. can all be very alluring, fulfilling and meaningful. At the end of the day though, we need more, right? How we feel is the core driver in our lives and the people around us have a significant impact on our world and how we feel about ourselves. Are we caring for ourselves well? Are our loved ones caring for us in a fulfilling way? Are we caring for them in the way that they need? Are we truly fulfilled? Most healing professionals will say that we are responsible for the state of our lives and relationships - that we have to take care of our own needs first and then be willing and able to ask for what we require in our relationships. (... and of course we have to begin with a mutually loving relationship). This is so much easier said than done... but if we decide to choose fulfilling love, life could be pretty sweet.... if we believe in such sentiments as these:
* A person who loves you truly will never let you go whatever the situation is.
* Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you' Erich Fromm
* Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet and understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.
* Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own.
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
* The first duty of love is to listen.
Paul Tillich
* Love is a force more formidable than any other. It is invisible - it cannot be seen or measured, yet it is powerful enough to transform you in a moment, and offer you more joy than any material possession could.
Barbara de Angelis
Is it just me, or does it feel good to wade in such sentiments;) ? ... As much as we are able, let us follow our hearts this year... toward all the warmth and goodness we can grab ahold of.... and believe in love, no matter what. (For tips on loving in a promising and meaningful way, check out The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman). Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
* A person who loves you truly will never let you go whatever the situation is.
* Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you' Erich Fromm
* Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet and understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.
* Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own.
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
* The first duty of love is to listen.
Paul Tillich
* Love is a force more formidable than any other. It is invisible - it cannot be seen or measured, yet it is powerful enough to transform you in a moment, and offer you more joy than any material possession could.
Barbara de Angelis
Is it just me, or does it feel good to wade in such sentiments;) ? ... As much as we are able, let us follow our hearts this year... toward all the warmth and goodness we can grab ahold of.... and believe in love, no matter what. (For tips on loving in a promising and meaningful way, check out The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman). Hugs.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Friday, January 2, 2015
Moving forward after loss....
The loss of a loved one (through death or a break up) sends us into grieving, whether we like it or not. Not much seems to help at a time like this, but healing meditations are said to create positive and healthy changes in our lives, aid us on our journey, comfort us, inspire us and give us hope for a brighter future. Choosing meditations that speak to us can help rebuild our self-confidence, and help us learn to love both ourselves and our lives again. Looking after ourselves mentally and practicing self-love is an often overlooked part of overcoming grief and loss, and maintaining our physical health. (Ps. grieving experts also make note of losses that we may not think of as life altering - loss of a job or pet, hair loss, stages of aging, a friend moving away, serious injury that limits our activities etc.).
In honour of those lost, but not forgotten...
It's OK to cry. Crying is a cleansing and healing process that will make me stronger.
I freely release fears that I no longer need.
My heart is open to a new chapter.
I allow myself to just be. I am in the perfect place, making perfect progress every day.
For more meditations, check out Healing Meditations For Surviving Grief and Loss, by Sibel hodge.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
In honour of those lost, but not forgotten...
It's OK to cry. Crying is a cleansing and healing process that will make me stronger.
I freely release fears that I no longer need.
My heart is open to a new chapter.
I allow myself to just be. I am in the perfect place, making perfect progress every day.
For more meditations, check out Healing Meditations For Surviving Grief and Loss, by Sibel hodge.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Thursday, January 1, 2015
New Years poem - Look for the Good
Look for the Good
In the New Year, let's resolve
to get less stressed, upset and anxious
about things over which we have no control.
Let's have a narrower focus on our lives,
loving and helping our family and friends,
making our community a better place to live,
to create peace and contentment.
In the New Year, let's resolve
to pay less attention to depressing stories
on TV, in magazines and newspapers,
and stop focusing on what we want
that we haven't got,
instead of appreciating
the many blessings we do have.
In the New Year, let's look for the good.
We may have to search
through a mass of negative media,
but the good is there,
all around us.
I wish for you a year filled with good
engulfed in serenity and happiness!
by Joanna Fuchs
Happy New Year everyone!
(Ps. my New Year's resolution is to have more fun ... and follow my passion, wherever that may take me!).
Blessings,
Chatgirl
In the New Year, let's resolve
to get less stressed, upset and anxious
about things over which we have no control.
Let's have a narrower focus on our lives,
loving and helping our family and friends,
making our community a better place to live,
to create peace and contentment.
In the New Year, let's resolve
to pay less attention to depressing stories
on TV, in magazines and newspapers,
and stop focusing on what we want
that we haven't got,
instead of appreciating
the many blessings we do have.
In the New Year, let's look for the good.
We may have to search
through a mass of negative media,
but the good is there,
all around us.
I wish for you a year filled with good
engulfed in serenity and happiness!
by Joanna Fuchs
Happy New Year everyone!
(Ps. my New Year's resolution is to have more fun ... and follow my passion, wherever that may take me!).
Blessings,
Chatgirl
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