Ahhh men and women... the great divide, and a constant source of gossip and material;) Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by Dr John Gray was a pretty popular book in its day and a decent enough starting place for exploring some of the key differences between men and women. In The Keys to the Kingdom, Allison Armstrong discusses how fundamentally and differently men and women process and experience daily life. Many references offer specific and scientific proof of the differences between the sexes (i.e. men have a higher body temperature, different hormones, different architecture of the brain etc.). Kim Sarrasin, relationship expert, presents and teaches ideas on how men and women can actually be a part of the solution, rather than the problem... very enlightening!
So rather than focusing on the differences per se, it's kind of a mind-bender to hear about some of these potential solutions and discover that the opposite sex may not be the bad guy after all, Lol !. We all know we can't change people anyway, so this could be interesting. According to Ms Sarrasin's philosophy, and the most interesting thing, is that men and women may not be intentionally f--king each other around... well, of course there's some of that too.... but not necessarily. So, in the end, supposedly, we just terribly misunderstand one another. We also do not know how to communicate effectively with one another. Here are a few tips from Kim:
Women: men often do really want to make us happy, but they could really use some help with the how to. For some reason we (women) really like it if men can read our minds, ha ha... but of course, they can't, so we need to give specific direction on where we want to go, or what we'd like for Christmas etc. Hinting is not sufficient- we need to write it down, or suggest directly.
Men: what do women want? Easy.... attention, attention and more attention. According to Kim, women care about this more than money and more than kind words...
For more Kim Sarrasin secrets on bridging the gap, check her out online.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Commitment: are we walking the walk?
If it's not one thing, it's another in life. Most of us spend a significant amount of time commenting on the seemingly endless slough of things that go wrong, be it technology, something at work, family or relationship drama, a parking ticket, speeding ticket, a new and unexpected expense, and on and on. Why do things always seem so out of balance? Great things happen for sure, but along with the rockin' times come a lot of unwanted tasks or fall out from something or other. I think for most of us, relationship drama hits the hardest and the deepest. I mean, can't we all just get along already, Lol;) Even when we seek help, or put everything we've got into a relationship, we seem powerless to resolve differences that drive a wedge. The mundane glitches in life are just that and although annoying, we can get past them in short order and they'll happily slip into our mental trash bin. The people stuff is trickier. Relationship wreckage can really hurt and have a lasting effect. In fact, we may be carrying the past into the preset, on into the future and into our new relationships. For instance, if someone was cheated on in the past, good luck trusting the next person. Ouch. This is such an unpleasant subject and most of us would rather do anything than hover over this gunk. But what if there was something really important and ground breaking to ponder? What if there was a ray of profound hope that could turn the old relationship rubic's cube into something we've given up hoping for? Anything profound usually involves some willingness to dig down a little, but still, it may be inspiring and novel to look at things a differently...
So here's the deal... and many schools of thought say something similar. In fact, I think most of us have heard something like this along the way, but for some reason it just doesn't register... so, we've all heard about commitment and fears around commitment, but I don't know if anyone actually admits to having a problem with it. Even if we're able to admit to commitment issues, it's out there somewhere - like maybe we haven't met the right person, or we haven't been able to stick with some job because of bad bosses, or an impossible co-worker or what have you. Thing is, I don't know that we really apply the concept of commitment to ourselves. If we do think about committing to ourselves, it just sounds kind of ridiculous. Of course we're committed to ourselves. We're living our lives aren't we? But according to the experts, many of us are not committed to ourselves and therefore our lives are in a state of much flux, maybe in all areas and certainly in our primary relationships. Supposedly, we spend a lot of time out in the world, focused on others and what they're doing that we don't like, or on what isn't working in our cities, or in the world... but it is said that we are not pointing the finger at ourselves in kind and so we continue looking for something external to make us happy, bring us pleasure, solve our issues. The bigger question is, if we are looking in the mirror, what are we supposed to do with that anyway? Most good therapists, coaches, books will say that if we're not taking care of how we feel about ourselves, and of how we treat ourselves first and foremost, we're in for a rocky ride. Self worth is probably an over used expression and I think we kind of make fun of the idea, but the concept is key according to experts. If we can start by going easy on ourselves and making sure we're treating ourselves nicely and thinking we're great, others will too. If we can go a step further and observe the things we say and do out in the world, we may be pleasantly surprised. It is said that if we lie to ourselves, we will be lied to by others and if we betray ourselves, we will be betrayed by others etc. The old saying that we get back what we give out comes to mind, and according to this whole commitment to self thing, it seems that if we commit to ourselves in a more meaningful and thoughtful way, others will supposedly commit to us in a way that we've only dreamed of. (For a more intense look into "self" commitment, check out Coming Home by John Bradshaw, or Healing Your Relationship With Yourself, by Joel Brass).
Blessings,
Chagirl
So here's the deal... and many schools of thought say something similar. In fact, I think most of us have heard something like this along the way, but for some reason it just doesn't register... so, we've all heard about commitment and fears around commitment, but I don't know if anyone actually admits to having a problem with it. Even if we're able to admit to commitment issues, it's out there somewhere - like maybe we haven't met the right person, or we haven't been able to stick with some job because of bad bosses, or an impossible co-worker or what have you. Thing is, I don't know that we really apply the concept of commitment to ourselves. If we do think about committing to ourselves, it just sounds kind of ridiculous. Of course we're committed to ourselves. We're living our lives aren't we? But according to the experts, many of us are not committed to ourselves and therefore our lives are in a state of much flux, maybe in all areas and certainly in our primary relationships. Supposedly, we spend a lot of time out in the world, focused on others and what they're doing that we don't like, or on what isn't working in our cities, or in the world... but it is said that we are not pointing the finger at ourselves in kind and so we continue looking for something external to make us happy, bring us pleasure, solve our issues. The bigger question is, if we are looking in the mirror, what are we supposed to do with that anyway? Most good therapists, coaches, books will say that if we're not taking care of how we feel about ourselves, and of how we treat ourselves first and foremost, we're in for a rocky ride. Self worth is probably an over used expression and I think we kind of make fun of the idea, but the concept is key according to experts. If we can start by going easy on ourselves and making sure we're treating ourselves nicely and thinking we're great, others will too. If we can go a step further and observe the things we say and do out in the world, we may be pleasantly surprised. It is said that if we lie to ourselves, we will be lied to by others and if we betray ourselves, we will be betrayed by others etc. The old saying that we get back what we give out comes to mind, and according to this whole commitment to self thing, it seems that if we commit to ourselves in a more meaningful and thoughtful way, others will supposedly commit to us in a way that we've only dreamed of. (For a more intense look into "self" commitment, check out Coming Home by John Bradshaw, or Healing Your Relationship With Yourself, by Joel Brass).
Blessings,
Chagirl
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
"Deliberate mistakes": diamonds in the rough
No one likes to make mistakes and we really don't like making mistakes in front of others, especially those we know and/or care about. Makes sense because mistakes can be costly and humiliating. I think we all know that everyone messes up at one time or another, but somehow it's still embarassing when it happens to us. Good news is, some of the best things come from our flub ups. Actually a lot of inventions have come out of accidents or mistakes. In our less monumental, mortal existence, we may not see such important benefits, but experts say different.
Apparently, with each wrong turn, we do learn and change for the better over time. Well, maybe not everyone, Lol;) We can certainly choose to remain stuck or just content with the status quo... but is our life exciting when we do this? Apparently, if we do need to feel alive and we're willing to keep putting ourselves out there, we can choose to make "deliberate mistakes" so that we're not held hostage by fear, indifference or complacency. John Caddell says by "reframing tough tasks as 'deliberate mistakes' we can help remove all the pressure that can keep us frozen, all while learning something along the way". So, if we choose to try something new that has a low downside, we can be pleasantly surprised and perhaps even overturn some false assumptions or beliefs about ourselves. To quote Henry Ford, "if you believe you can't do something, you're always right". Wise people always say half the battle is showing up, so if we show up and choose to try something we're unsure of, who knows what will come:)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Apparently, with each wrong turn, we do learn and change for the better over time. Well, maybe not everyone, Lol;) We can certainly choose to remain stuck or just content with the status quo... but is our life exciting when we do this? Apparently, if we do need to feel alive and we're willing to keep putting ourselves out there, we can choose to make "deliberate mistakes" so that we're not held hostage by fear, indifference or complacency. John Caddell says by "reframing tough tasks as 'deliberate mistakes' we can help remove all the pressure that can keep us frozen, all while learning something along the way". So, if we choose to try something new that has a low downside, we can be pleasantly surprised and perhaps even overturn some false assumptions or beliefs about ourselves. To quote Henry Ford, "if you believe you can't do something, you're always right". Wise people always say half the battle is showing up, so if we show up and choose to try something we're unsure of, who knows what will come:)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Monday, November 10, 2014
Season, a reason or a lifetime?
Not sure who coined this phrase and not sure why it isn't more commonly referred to. There is a lot of fixation on finding a soul mate, "the one" or just being paired up in general. It's pretty much a societal imperative that we should pair off and this can put a lot of pressure on dating scenarios. A lot of us avoid holidays and family in general because of the inevitable and often uncomfortable inquiry into our romantic lives. The beloved Bridget Jones Diary movie did a brilliant job of portraying such a setting: Bridget shows up to a dinner party only to be ambushed by a veritable couple tribunal... every single person's worst nightmare. Even if we're content on our own and/or wanting to be certain before committing long term, we can be left feeling somewhat disturbed because many people assume we're not happy or we're not "whole" unless we have a partner. Is anyone brave enough to inquire into the marriages/relationships of these concerned parties? Are they truly fulfilled or is their relationship long since dead and they're just telling themselves that at least they're not alone? ... just curious;) Either way, as we all know, love is not something we can conjure up. It just happens one day... and if we're in a rush, odds are we're going to wake up after the honeymoon's worn off and realize something's just not right and now we have to go through the pain of unraveling everything. Not fun. So what to do?
A season, a reason or a lifetime is a great notion because it lets us off the hook. If we keep this thought in mind, we can take the pressure off our next blind date, first date, current squeeze or ongoing boyfriend/girlfriend. We can take our time and really consider how things are going. If we keep trying to make each person the "right one' all the time, we may not be noticing when they're not a match. Think of how much more fun dating could be with no pressure. If we're in the moment and enjoying each date, or the dynamics of our relationship, we may just notice all of the great things we like and the things that are not so much. Either way, hopefully we've had a lot more fun and frolic along the way and end up with some quality information about ourselves; what we like, don't like, can live with, can't live without etc. More fun, less pressure, better result? Sounds good to me;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
A season, a reason or a lifetime is a great notion because it lets us off the hook. If we keep this thought in mind, we can take the pressure off our next blind date, first date, current squeeze or ongoing boyfriend/girlfriend. We can take our time and really consider how things are going. If we keep trying to make each person the "right one' all the time, we may not be noticing when they're not a match. Think of how much more fun dating could be with no pressure. If we're in the moment and enjoying each date, or the dynamics of our relationship, we may just notice all of the great things we like and the things that are not so much. Either way, hopefully we've had a lot more fun and frolic along the way and end up with some quality information about ourselves; what we like, don't like, can live with, can't live without etc. More fun, less pressure, better result? Sounds good to me;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Denial can be devastating
Why is denial not often talked about or admitted to? Perhaps we're in denial about being in denial;) The dictionary definition of the word is "refusal to believe a doctrine, theory or the like". So, what of it? What is so important about denial and why should we care? Therapists and support group systems will say that things we deny can be at the route of what troubles us. Even worse, denial can be at the route of things we're unwilling to look at that may be running and potentially f'ing up our lives. So, maybe this is something worth exploring...
Denial is no stranger to the addiction world. As the motto goes, "the first step is admitting there's a problem". If we don't have a problem, then all is good, right? Maybe not... what if there is a problem and we just don't want to see it... because if we admit there's a problem, what does that mean? Well, it might mean that we have to make a change, or even scarier, maybe there's a problem we can't fix... or there's something we need to fix and we don't know how or we just can't. That whole scary and potentially explosive time bomb can make a person pretty apprehensive and squirrelly. Makes sense for sure, but anyone who's gotten clean and sober will have a story about how life fell apart until there was nothing left, and in they end they had to deal with the whole denial thing anyway. So, maybe if we look under the hood once in a while and check for leaks, we may be able to prevent a whole lot of ugly fall out down the road. For instance, if we make believe that we're with the right partner all the way down the aisle and into family life, we can end up with a whole lot of pain, expense and potentially damaged children. Or if we keep telling ourselves we're "fine" when we're not, we can end up in a state of depression, job loss, unexpected break ups or any other number of devastating consequences. Why is it so hard to admit when there's a nagging issue? Not sure, but it seems that denial of our deepest truths may be our silent and/or hidden kryptonite.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Denial is no stranger to the addiction world. As the motto goes, "the first step is admitting there's a problem". If we don't have a problem, then all is good, right? Maybe not... what if there is a problem and we just don't want to see it... because if we admit there's a problem, what does that mean? Well, it might mean that we have to make a change, or even scarier, maybe there's a problem we can't fix... or there's something we need to fix and we don't know how or we just can't. That whole scary and potentially explosive time bomb can make a person pretty apprehensive and squirrelly. Makes sense for sure, but anyone who's gotten clean and sober will have a story about how life fell apart until there was nothing left, and in they end they had to deal with the whole denial thing anyway. So, maybe if we look under the hood once in a while and check for leaks, we may be able to prevent a whole lot of ugly fall out down the road. For instance, if we make believe that we're with the right partner all the way down the aisle and into family life, we can end up with a whole lot of pain, expense and potentially damaged children. Or if we keep telling ourselves we're "fine" when we're not, we can end up in a state of depression, job loss, unexpected break ups or any other number of devastating consequences. Why is it so hard to admit when there's a nagging issue? Not sure, but it seems that denial of our deepest truths may be our silent and/or hidden kryptonite.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Saturday, November 8, 2014
The When Harry Met Sally Question - can men and women be friends?
When Harry Met Sally explores this topic with a lot of humour and probably one of the best scenes in the history of romantic comedy movies (Meg Ryan fakes an orgasm with oscar winning brilliance, in case you've been living on a desert island somewhere and didn't catch the movie and/or the water cooler debate afterward). Harry and Sally did eventually become friends, despite Harry's insistance that men and women cannot be friends... and in the end they realized that they were in love with each other after all. So, can men and women really be friends?? There's probably no conclusive answer to this, but it's such fun topic to analyze.
There is both popular and scientific debate on the topic. Louann Brizendine (Neuropsychiatrist), in The Female Brain contends that women's behavior is different than men's due to hormonal and architectural differences in the brain. The book discusses specific issues, such as sexualization, and notes that some men are essentially hard-wired to be either capable of monogamy or not and that men are hard-wired for greater sexual focus than are women. Those who disagree claim that there is a great deal of male-female overlap at the individual level. From the popular world, the male consensus seems to line up with Harry's, in that sexual attraction gets in the way of a purely platonic relationship. Most women seem to feel that friendship is possible and tend to put men in the "friend zone" when they either aren't interested or they're unavailable. What I'm wondering is this... if a man and a woman meet, have a great connection and for whatever reason sex is off the table, are they not able to be friends? Are we not capable of thinking someone is fabulous and attractive, perhaps even caring about them and maintaining a relationship... even if there is an attraction? Like feel the fear and do it anyway - can't we just feel the attraction and have the friendship anyway. Maybe not... but just sayin'.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
There is both popular and scientific debate on the topic. Louann Brizendine (Neuropsychiatrist), in The Female Brain contends that women's behavior is different than men's due to hormonal and architectural differences in the brain. The book discusses specific issues, such as sexualization, and notes that some men are essentially hard-wired to be either capable of monogamy or not and that men are hard-wired for greater sexual focus than are women. Those who disagree claim that there is a great deal of male-female overlap at the individual level. From the popular world, the male consensus seems to line up with Harry's, in that sexual attraction gets in the way of a purely platonic relationship. Most women seem to feel that friendship is possible and tend to put men in the "friend zone" when they either aren't interested or they're unavailable. What I'm wondering is this... if a man and a woman meet, have a great connection and for whatever reason sex is off the table, are they not able to be friends? Are we not capable of thinking someone is fabulous and attractive, perhaps even caring about them and maintaining a relationship... even if there is an attraction? Like feel the fear and do it anyway - can't we just feel the attraction and have the friendship anyway. Maybe not... but just sayin'.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Friday, November 7, 2014
Love or not love? Rose tinted glasses anyone?
Do we really know what love is? How do we know that someone loves us or that we love them... for real? Clearly there are many kinds of love - the love for a family member/child, friend etc., but when it comes to romance, things get more complicated. The stakes are higher when we're thinking of investing heavily with our time, resources and most importantly our heart and maybe soul, if we're willing to go that deep into it. When a relationship doesn't work out, there's fall out, a sense of loss and it just plain hurts. We start out so hopeful and the relationship seems full of promise. What the heck happens? How do things go so left? Is anyone else out there tired of the merry-go-round? If so, what can we do about this?
First off, what about love? Well, a lot of books and coaches tell us that love is an action. Beyond how we feel, love is something we need to show through "acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts and physical touch", according to The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Apparently each of us has one or two primary needs in feeling love from someone. If our partner does not show love in these particular ways, we will not feel loved... and if our partner truly does love us then he/she is supposed to learn how to love us according to these hardwired needs. Second, are we choosing well from the start? We are told that if we know who we are and what we need, we should have a list of qualities (that mirror our own values/desires/goals) to refer to in our "auditioning" process. It can be flattering to accept someone's adoration and attention, but if this person is not aligned with our core values and desires, we're more than likely putting on the proverbial rose tinted glasses to stay in this "arrangement". Why would we stay with someone who doesn't actually fit the bill? Well, let's be kind to ourselves. Finding Mr or Mrs Right can be a lengthy process, filled with annoying dates and maybe loneliness. But what is the cost of giving up early and "settling"? Maybe we'll be ahead in the end if we take a little more time choosing well up front. Then of course, we have some work to do in making sure we're loving and being loved ..... for real and in the way that both people need.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
First off, what about love? Well, a lot of books and coaches tell us that love is an action. Beyond how we feel, love is something we need to show through "acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts and physical touch", according to The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Apparently each of us has one or two primary needs in feeling love from someone. If our partner does not show love in these particular ways, we will not feel loved... and if our partner truly does love us then he/she is supposed to learn how to love us according to these hardwired needs. Second, are we choosing well from the start? We are told that if we know who we are and what we need, we should have a list of qualities (that mirror our own values/desires/goals) to refer to in our "auditioning" process. It can be flattering to accept someone's adoration and attention, but if this person is not aligned with our core values and desires, we're more than likely putting on the proverbial rose tinted glasses to stay in this "arrangement". Why would we stay with someone who doesn't actually fit the bill? Well, let's be kind to ourselves. Finding Mr or Mrs Right can be a lengthy process, filled with annoying dates and maybe loneliness. But what is the cost of giving up early and "settling"? Maybe we'll be ahead in the end if we take a little more time choosing well up front. Then of course, we have some work to do in making sure we're loving and being loved ..... for real and in the way that both people need.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
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