Compartmentalizing big feelings is ok!…

Sometimes compartmentalizing can help you effectively tackle challenges without becoming overwhelmed. 

It’s a way of telling big, flooding feelings like grief, anxiety, or even anger that you’re too busy to feel them right now, and you’re going to feel them later.

— Morra Aarons-Mele (Writer, entrepreneur, top 10- Management podcast and 2020 Webby Awards honouree, LinkedIn top Voice in Mental Health 2022, author of The Anxious Achiever: Turn Your Biggest Fears Into Your Leadership Superpower, released April 2023 by Harvard Business Review Press)

Well, that’s just cool. I’ve worked with numerous therapists, life coaches, energy work practitioners and group therapy leaders over quite a stretch of time, but I’ve never heard this tip. This year’s been a grind with my mother’s passing last August and the overall challenging landscape we’re all enduring (the various post pandemic fall outs, the wars, climate change, companies wanting more with less during quite a frightening financial time). It makes me feel better knowing I can put off some of the grieving, anger and anxiety, so I can get through the day. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Shedding tears can be good for your health…

Crying activates the body in a healthy way. Letting down one’s guard and one’s defences and crying is a very positive thing.

Stress tightens muscles and heightens tension, so when you cry you release some of that. Crying activates the parasympathetic nervous system and restores the body to a state of balance. 

— Stephen Sideroff (Ph.D, Clinical psychologist at UCLA and director of Rahul Wallenberg Institute of Ethics)

I love having a good cry. I takes the lid off the boiling pot, so to speak. Happy to hear it’s actually good for your health and well being. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

How trauma shows up later on…

Trauma comes back as a reaction, 

not a memory.

— Bessel Van Der Kolk 

I understand the concept of being “triggered” from therapy, but I hadn’t thought of trauma response this way. Kind of explains the need for deeper exploration with the help of a professional. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

People that bring me peace…

I used to think I was introverted because I really liked being alone, 

but it turns out that I just like being at peace, and I am very extroverted around people that bring me peace.

—  Myriah Moon 

Right? Sadly, it’s taken me forever to understand the impact other people have on my energy level and happiness. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Realism vs optimism linked to greater happiness…

Being realistic about your life outcomes is likely to make you happier than overestimating them.

Realists with grounded expectations reported better psychological health than extreme optimists or pessimists. 

Life satisfaction took a hit for both overly positive and negative thinkers.

— According to Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin study of 1601subjects, by researchers David de Meza (London School of Economics) and Chris Dawson (University of Bath) … excerpt from Ray Williams article “Why Being a Realist Rather Than and Optimist Can Be a Key to Well-Being, Linked in Newsletter

I am taking serious note because I have a feeling I’ve been blindly optimistic at times, under-estimating forces outside my control. A good friend of mine always cautioned “Girl, have high hopes, and REALISTIC expectations.” But I’ve been adamant in minding over matter’ing my way to the promised land (passive income stream, laptop lifestyle, living/working from wherever I want, whenever I want, how I want). Yet, here I am, many years later, still striving, working for the man (corporate day job). I’ve had my exciting possibilities (and still do), but I have yet to break free. Stay tuned though, because extreme optimism or savvy realism aside, the one thing I’ve always relied upon to succeed is perseverance. Never say die, right? But I will allow space for realities, and a softer landing on the inevitable road blocks. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Being your own validation and honouring your needs (plus work/life balance!)…

Growth can look like:

* Choosing inner peace over reacting

* Walking away from drama

* Being your own validation

* Trusting yourself

* Honouring your needs

* Recognizing unhealthy patterns

* Falling back in love with your life

— @h.e.l.e.n.m.a.r.i.e.

I don’t know about you, but I continue to work on honouring my needs. I was raised to be pretty selfless, which is fine, because you can end up being a very giving, collaborative and thoughtful person. However, self care can also slide down the list, compromising happiness and mental health. I’ve finally learned how to decline certain obligations, but I’m still grappling with work/life balance. Companies want more from their employees for minimal pay increases, and with the escalating cost of living, quality of life is taking a big hit. So how do we maintain pride in our work ethic, and not burn ourselves out? Personally, I remain committed to finding an entrepreneurial endeavour with a passive income stream (at least on the side). I also need to pace myself in the day job, because grinding it out for basically the same, or less, disposable income is not a recipe for joy and well being! Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Failures just as important as successes…

So much of art making is getting to know yourself through the creative process, of making mistakes and going down rabbit holes of research and experimentation that sometimes work out—and sometimes don’t. 

The failures are just as important as the successes. 

— JooHee Yoon (Illustrator and designer) 

Trial and error is legit. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Friendly reminder (for a healthy relationship)…

In a healthy relationship, your parnter hears you out if you’re upset, and their goal is to avoid upsetting you in the future, not to debate whether you should have been upset in the first place.

— Unknown

I like it. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Rest is more than napping…

Rest is more than napping on the sofa.

Rest is anything that makes your nervous system feel safe enough for your stress response to switch off so your mind and body can recover and restore. 

— Nicola Jane Hobbs (Author, researcher, therapist, coach. Hobbs blends the latest psychological and physiological research with ancient spiritual practices to support individuals and organizations. She draws on trauma-sensitive, evidence-based therapeutic techniques and psychological skills training, as well as yoga, breath work, meditation, nutrition, and embodied healing practices to support people in building healthy, rich and meaningful lives)

I think there’s something to this holistic approach. I feel I’ve gained as much from Body Talk (natural biofeedback loop, which helps to identify and prioritize the healing needs of the body) and Craniosacral Therapy (gentle touch that releases tensions in the central nervous system, which allow other systems in the body to relax and self-correct) as I have from individual/group therapy, EMDR and A Course in Miracles direction. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Calming the nervous system (and prioritizing energy givers)…

Behaviours to help maintain a calm nervous system:

* Stepping away from toxic relationships 

* Avoiding getting wrapped up in gossip & drama

* Prioritizing your inner peace

* Choosing yourself each day, too

* Not taking on other people’s negativity

* Maintaining healthy boundaries with social media

* Maintaining healthy boundaries with work

* Avoiding processed food/caffeine

* Having a good sleep routine

* Moving your body each day

* Practicing gratitude 

* Connecting with people that are energy givers

— h.e.l.e.n.m.a.r.i.e

“Connecting with people that are energy givers” stands out for me. My favourite therapist proposed a challenge to the notion of duty and obligation. I hadn’t considered free will and personal choice when it comes to family and long term friends. But, in truth, I often walked away drained, and this is problematic when your career requires a high degree of energy, optimism and positive momentum. Needless to say, the pandemic (and excellent, professional guidance) kind of allowed a falling away of the less supportive aspects of my life. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Make anger your best friend…

My therapist once told me “Anger is the part of yourself that loves you the most. It knows when you are being mistreated, neglected, disrespected. It signals that you have to take a step out of a place that doesn’t do you justice. It makes you aware that you need to leave a room, a job, a relationship, old patterns that don’t work for you anymore. Learn to listen to your anger and make it your best friend. Then it’ll leave.” And that stuck with me forever.

— Unknown 

I learned about the importance of anger from my favourite therapist. He initially diagnosed me with a “broken compass.” He said that because I grew up around damaging anger, I was afraid of it, and avoided it at all cost. He went on to explain that we need our anger because it gives us critical information. Once I was able to acknowledge and process my anger, I did end up leaving both my marriage and my job at the time. I was also able to properly identify my needs and wants in a mate (much better compatibility and aligned values/goals in life) and in my career (a more compatible corporate culture and meaningful/people focused mission statement). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

We abandon ourselves when we…

* Chase love  

* People please

* Are codependent

* Over give or over do

* Ignore our inner voice

* Fix, rescue, save, + caretake

* Betray ourselves to be chosen

* Ignore or explain away red flags

* Minimize our feelings + need to keep others happy

— @jenpeters_soulguide_healer

What I’ve learned from intensive therapy is that such habits are generally coping strategies from childhood trauma and neglect. When we don’t feel safe and our needs aren’t met, we tend to proactively seek what we need and want. I don’t know about you, but knowing this makes it easier to forgive myself for the over-giving/people pleasing behaviours. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Boundary setting statements…

5 things to say when your boundaries are challenged:

1. I mentioned this as a solution because I want to maintain the relationship.

2. Some things I allowed in the past no longer work for me. 

3. It’s okay if you don’t like what I’m saying, and I need you to respect it.

4. We think differently about this, and I won’t argue about what feels healthy for me.

5. This isn’t negotiable.

— @nedratawwab

I don’t know about you, but I have found it nearly impossible to achieve healthy boundaries with certain relationships. My savvy life coach and my favourite therapist both say that it is emotionally sound to back away from connections that don’t feel mutually beneficial, even with family. It sucks, but some relationships cone with irreconcilable differences that may compromise our mental health. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

When someone is upset, try saying…

If you want to talk, I’m listening. 

I want to understand. Can you tell me more.

Take your time, I’m not in a rush. This is important.

What is the best way I can support you right now?

If you’re not ready to talk, I can just sit here with you.

— @millennial.therapist / Sara Kubrick

One of my best friends has an aggressive cancer, and I’ve found myself in need of comforting and helpful words. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Things I can control…

1. How I react to people & situations 

2. What I eat

3. How I treat my body

4. How I treat myself

5. Who I spend my time with

6. What I do in my spare time

7. How clean my home is

8. When I sleep

9. My thoughts

— ETTAARLANE.COM

Right. Well, what I’ve learned from intensive healing work is that it’s not so simple. There are some things we may struggle to mind over matter, if we have unresolved childhood trauma. The deeper the issues, the more intense the triggers, and the greater the potential for depression and anxiety. And so odds are we self-medicate in various ways; turning to comfort food, binge watching shows into the wee hours, put off cleaning, hit happy hour after work instead of the gym etc. In my experience, this entire list becomes more and more second nature, the more I take care of my mental and emotional health. (Which at this point is regular Craniosacral Therapy, to tackle my sometimes over-active nervous system/fight or flight response). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Having an acceptance mindset (and finding more joy!)…

This situation is only temporary.

I’ve dealt with difficulties before and I can deal with this.

Failure is an opportunity for growth.

The present is the only moment I have control over.

I won’t stress over things that I can’t change.

I can’t change what has already happened.

It’s okay to feel negative emotions. I can still deal with this effectively.

— Unknown 

I don’t know about you, but I carry a degree of post-traumatic stress over the more egregious challenges in life (betrayal/divorce, job loss in a terrible economy, companies wanting more despite meagre pay increases, post pandemic fall out, escalating cost of living, extreme weather events). Having said that, I am proud of the survival skills, improved decision making, better financial management, refined work ethic and a commitment to bringing more joy to my life. My latest mantra is “there’s more to life than work!”Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Unhealed childhood trauma manifests as…

Trying to fix others  

People pleasing

Co-dependency

External validation needed

Living on high alert

Fear of abandonment

De-prioritizing own needs

Tolerates abusive behaviour

Attracts narcissists

Difficulty setting boundaries

— Unknown

Wow. That’s scary accurate, in my experience. Fortunately, I developed an interest in psychology at a young age and ended up on a positive, healing journey. It’s still taken years, financial investment, various therapies, sacrificial weekends, blood, sweat and tears to make substantial progress. I had to learn new communication/relationship skills as well, as healthy conflict resolution was not modelled in my family of origin or at school/work. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Look for an equal not a project…

Remember this when seeking relationships: 

You’re looking for an equal, not a project. 

You’re looking for someone who takes care of themselves 

AND has the capacity to take care of you too.

Someone on your level that you can respect & vice versa.

Don’t fall in love with potential.

— Unknown 

I wish I could go back and coach my younger self. I so badly wanted a partner; the support system, a best friend, companion and confidant. There’s nothing wrong with that. But I wanted the comfort of a partner so eagerly that I ignored red flags. I’m not gonna beat myself up, but I am grateful that I gained enough emotional to make a smart decision in love. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Feeling down is a sign…

Feeling “down” is an indication that something within you is seeking to be released. Any “negative” emotion that is in your awareness is only ever there because it’s seeking to be freed. It’s not there to be pushed down, fought against or ignored. Instead of fighting that feeling, seek to understand why it’s there. Negative emotion is often an indication that you believe something that either isn’t true or isn’t in your highest good, about yourself, about others or about what you desire. Take some time to meditate, view everything through the lens of love, allow it, be patient and the false belief will reveal itself.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist would agree. He says that “negative emotions” provide critical information that can help us make important decisions, and make changes if necessary. Looking back, I can see glaring deal breakers in my two primary relationships. I did not take my reactions seriously, when I felt disrespected, not heard, not factored in. For example, my ex began a huge renovation on our living room/dining room/kitchen without even talking to me. And he was counting on my financial support! Deal breaker of all deal breakers. My other ex was a micro-manager, questioning many of my decisions (even where to buy groceries or fashion choices. Ugh). I already had a father and didn’t need another one, thank you very much. Not much space for romance or partnership in that environment. Another deal breaker. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Boundary setting statements…

My reasons are personal, and I don’t want to share them.

Do you think that’s appropriate?

I’m not prepared to change my mind on this.

I don’t know off the top of my head. Let me get back to you.

Thank you for your concern about X. I’ve got it from here.

Let’s discuss this when we are both feeling calm.

I’m confident in my decisions.

— Anonymous 

My favourite therapist says some people may not have the capacity to understand and respect boundaries (difficult upbringing/unresolved trauma and not coachable at this time, or ever?). Such connections may be best at a distance, kept to a minimum or halted altogether. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl