How to break free (from upbringing baggage)…

Ways to forgive the unkindest cuts.

* Choosing to forgive serious offences from childhood can greatly improve our sense of well-being.

* The journey to forgiveness starts with compassion toward self.

* Even small and faltering steps can get the forgiveness ball rolling. 

Forgiving the deepest hurts from childhood is difficult. Why do we do it? Because we see those who practice forgiveness feeling lighter, happier and more at peace. 

Suggestions: (there are 10 in the complete Psychology Today article, see below) 

- Mindfully acknowledge the pain you’re carrying and say or think: “This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is a part of life. May I bring compassion to this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.” (Nerf, 2011) … Loving-kindness is what heals. 

- Imagine the offender as an innocent, suffering child. Ask why the child was hurting. In AA, adults are encouraged to think of an offender as a sick friend who is suffering spiritually. Then it is easier to forgive, for we would forgive a sick friend. 

- Don’t personalize. The offence is more about the pain and imperfect past of the offender than it is about you. 

- Write a forgiveness letter 

- Take the offender to neutral. If the person hasn’t earned your trust or goodwill, and forgiving seems like such a stretch, simply say, “I take you to zero, zip, nada; I won’t waste my time thinking about you or remembering.

- Consider positives that have resulted from your pain (Personal resolve, enhanced compassion, ability to envision a brighter future?) 

- Give it time…

Even small efforts to forgive can bring great rewards—and are almost always well worth the effort. 

— Glenn R. Schiraldi, Ph.D. (Excerpt, paraphrased from Psychology Today post Oct 24 2022) 

My big take away from the “work” I’ve done, and in total layman’s terms. It’s about getting unstuck. We come away from our childhood with ingrained habits, patterns of behaviour and likely, reactionary responses. We may also have limitations in our communication/relationship skills because if these skills weren’t modelled growing up, we likely had limited exposure to healthier alternatives thereafter. In a nutshell, it’s never too late to learn how to create better relationships with our self and others. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Investigating underlying causes of disorders…

The body displaces trauma. 

It shows up as: anxiety, depression, chronic pain, autoimmunity, addiction, insomnia, eating disorders, headaches, substance abuse, OCD, fatigue, or anger.

These are symptoms of trauma as a root cause.

— Shannon Myers, M.S., CRC (Certified Rehab Counselor with a focus on integration of mind, body, and spirit. Myers believes that all mental and physical conditions are symptoms with underlying roots of trauma, societal conditioning, a lack of helpful coping skills, or potentially environmentally based causes such as food, chronic infections, stress, thyroid dysfunction, hormonal imbalances, toxins etc). 

As it turns out, my life long stomach aches/digestive issues stemmed from internalized stress. I tried everything within the healthcare system (including a $400 allergy test that revealed I have no tangible allergies) and everything within the naturopath and Traditional Chinese Medicine realms, but found no solution. I ended up seeing a Body Talk/Craniosacral Practitioner, out of desperation, and learned that I had “anxious tummy”, likely stemming from a tumultuous and fearful upbringing. So my “gut” tends to be preoccupied with trying to understand and “digest” the world around me, which takes away from my body’s ability to process food. Interesting. In any case, seeing this alternative practitioner on a regular basis has solved my issue, and in the process I’ve learned valuable new life skills. Win-win. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“Your suffering needs you to acknowledge it”…

Go back and take care of yourself. 

Your body needs you, your feelings need you, your perceptions need you.

Your suffering needs you to acknowledge it.

Go home and be there for all these things.

— Thich Nhat Hanh

My favourite therapist would agree. He says that simply saying things out loud and/or writing them down can provide the space and time for healing. He also says the only way to “the other side” of some of our old, nagging issues is through the muck (which is admittedly not fun, and not for the faint of heart has he puts it). For me, regular professional check ins and/or utilizing the tools I’ve acquired through traditional therapy and life coaching helps keep the monkey off my back, so to speak. (Cause life is stressful, right?!) Just sayin’ :). Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Let your feelings speak to you…

Your anger? It’s telling you where you feel powerless.

Your anxiety? It’s telling you that something in your life is off balance.

Your fear? It’s telling you what you care about.

Your apathy? It’s telling you where you’re overextended and burnt out.

Your feelings aren’t random, they are messengers. And if you want to get anywhere, you need to be able to let them speak to you, and tell you what they really need.

— Briana Wiest 

My favourite therapist says that much of our torment stems from within. (I’m paraphrasing of course). He believes in an Inner Family system, which is comprised of four different, internal voices; Inner Child (the vulnerable part of us that may have unmet needs from childhood), Adult (the brave face we take out into the world, and to work), Spirit (the compassionate higher power/best self) and Ego (the fighter/protector that can wreak havoc when left unchecked). He says that our feelings provide critical information in understanding our needs, wants and deal breakers, and if we’re able to address the various swirlings within, we have a shot at drawing better boundaries and improving our most important relationships. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Decide your life is your own…

The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own.

 No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours — it is an amazing journey — and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.

— Bob Moawad, The Minds Journal (Owner of Edge Learning Institute and original creator of the Increasing Human Effectiveness programs. Author of Whatever It Takes: A Journey Into the Heart Of Human Achievement and The Secret of the Slight Edge: How to Get Out of Your Own Way)

I learned about taking complete responsibility and ownership of my life from two different coaches. One of my mentors is more of an energy work/spiritual guide/life coach, who follows A Course in Miracles. My life transformed the moment I realized that whether I’d been victimized or not, it’s up to me to recover, heal and pursue greater happiness and fulfillment. My favourite therapist, and other guru, talks about having one’s own back. This means taking care of one’s own needs, first and foremost. This also means making decisions that support overall health and well being (more exercise/less sugar and alcohol/more downtime to rest/sleep?). For me, this also meant being far more honest about who I am, what I enjoy or don’t enjoy doing. Some things fell away, and as they did I realized how much personal time I need to recharge my batteries. I also ended up with the love of my life (and easiest relationship ever) and my favourite (and super well paying) job. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“Perfection is Unattainable: Aim for 80%”…

Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like.

Key Points

* Curb your enthusiasm: producing at 80 percent of your capacity may make you a lot happier

* For a lot of high achievers, performing at 80 percent is still like everyone else’s 120 percent

* Perfection may not be realistic, but achieving “good enough” —the 80 percent mark—certainly is. 

Writing in PLOS Computational Biology, the authors describe “why we are prone to becoming trapped in a cycle of never-ending wants and desires” and suggest “constantly arising aspirations” help in “achieving better performance, but also result in ever-increasing dissatisfaction.”

As one life coach put it, “We need to expect less of ourselves.”

Setting—and achieving—smaller goals can cause the brain to release dopamine, a neurotransmitter that makes a person feel good—even happy, and boost one’s self-esteem. Higher self-esteem enhances overall mental health. 

— Excerpt, paraphrased from Psychology Today article posted Oct 10 2022, by Alex Dimitriu, M.D. 

I don’t know about you, but I felt relieved and more relaxed just reading this! Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

A relationship secret weapon …

What is the difference between I love you & I like you

Beautifully answered by Buddha:

When you like a flower, you just pluck it. 

But when you love a flower, you water it daily…!

One who understands this, understands life.

— The Minds Journal

My favourite therapist believes in the importance of “clearing”. This means inviting one another to share feelings/concerns/needs/requests, and then decide on mutually beneficial outcomes. This means forgetting the he-said, she-said and working as a team. I’m so grateful to have learned this. Just the other day, my partner was a little snippier than normal and, fortunately I thought to ask if something was weighing on him. And in fact it was. He was stressed about work and some other things. We chatted back and forth, we both felt immediately better and then we snuggled up. Yay! Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Be a victim, or problem solve?…

Life is all about choices.

You can choose to play a victim or be a problem-solver.

— success.tym

What I learned in therapy, is that it’s not so simple. To paraphrase my favourite therapist, most of us tend to have programs running silently in the background (unconsciously), that at least somewhat sabotage our most important relationships. He says, not only are we in the dark on some of these pesky “issues”, but there’s also a forest for the trees aspect with old baggage. In a nutshell, the most problematic stuff typically requires the help of a professional. It certainly did for me. And I’m still working on it, years later. As my favourite therapist also says, some things are just our legacy. We cannot change who our parents are, where we were born, or the conditions of our upbringing. But we can strive to ease the burdens, allow some space around the old wounds and lessen some of the reactionary behaviour. Just sayin’ :) Hugs, and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Souls love (Ego’s don’t)…

That’s what souls do. Ego’s don’t, but souls do.

Become a soul, look around, and you’ll be amazed — all the beings around you are souls.

Be one, see one.

— Ram Dass (American spiritual teacher, guru of modern yoga, psychologist, and author. His 1071 best-selling book Be Here Now, which has been described by multiple reviewers as “seminal”, helped popularize Eastern Spirituality and yoga in the west. Ram Dass travelled extensively, giving talks and retreats and holding fundraisers for charitable causes in the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s). 

My favourite therapist talks about keeping the Ego in check. He says our Ego plays a critical role in protecting us, and keeping us safe (particularly while we were growing up). But Ego can be quite militant, and even damaging, if left to rule our actions and decision making. My coach advises working with our entire “Inner Family”; Inner Child (the more tender, vulnerable, heart-felt part of us), Spirit (the empathetic, spiritual, more tolerant and understanding part of us), and adult (the responsible part of us that holds it all together and shows up a work). Working with the Inner Family involves writing from each  specific perspective. It’s quite an enlightening exercise and very calming, in my experience. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl   

 

Something made you feel unwanted…

Reason # 1 You Attracted a Narcissist (or bad/unhealthy relationship):

You have unresolved wounds from childhood. You were either abused in your childhood or felt unloved. 

You felt you always had to prove your worth. You might have actually been, or just felt, neglected.

Something made you feel unwanted.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist says learn to “have your own back, all the way” and watch your relationship(s) improve dramatically. This means, essentially, taking care of one’s own needs, sometimes ahead of duty/obligation/compromises. For me, this meant being more selective in choosing a mate. They say “don’t be so picky”, but in my experience, I needed to be more discerning. I was willing to be brutally honest with myself about who I am, what I enjoy doing/not doing, the kind of life I envision living, what I want to do more of/less of/never again etc. From there, I was quite clear about the sort of match I needed. I wish I could go back and tell my 20/30 year old self this stuff. Above all, I would say “attraction is a great starting point, but looks and chemistry do not a relationship make, Lol.” Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl    

Try a break from complaining? …

Go 24 hours without complaining. (Not even once).

Then watch how your life starts changing.

— Unknown

A lot of wise (and successful) people recommend a gratitude mindset. Avoiding the temptation to complain would be a first step, I guess and it’s probably worth a shot. I figure I’ve been complaining a bit too much lately, with the state of the world; alarming cost of living, extreme weather events/climate change, looming recession, the Ukraine/Russia conflict, not to mention the stressors of everyday life. But I’m going to commit to writing out my blessings; amazing life partner, a job I really enjoy and feel proud of, joyful hobbies and more. (They say writing it out helps). Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Money and fame not the answer…

I hope everybody could get rich and famous and will have everything they ever dreamed of, so they will know that it’s not the answer.

— Jim Carrey

I’m telling my ego right now, because there’s definitely a part of me that would love unlimited funds, and the freedoms that money can clearly provide. To not have to answer to managers. To not have to book a flight at the unpleasant hour of 6 am to get the best price. Having said all that, I also know that my biggest Achilles Heel is related to family and my emotional world. I continue to work with professionals because, for me, it has been the answer to easing my burdens. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

When it hurts…

When it hurts - observe. 

Life is trying to teach you something.

— Anita Krizzan

My favourite therapist says that our “negative” emotions can act as a sort of directional compass, if we’re willing to acknowledge and address them. They can tell us when our boundaries have been crossed. They inform us that we may need to make changes. They can nudge us to sort out some troubling stuff from the past and clear the way for better quality relationships and a more fulfilling life. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Forgive yourself for not knowing…

Apologize to yourself. 

Take a moment today to apologize to yourself for how you treated yourself in the past. Apologize for not realizing that you were worthy of more, for not treating yourself with respect, for not accepting help, for being too hard on yourself, for not believing in yourself, for not speaking up, and for settling for less than you deserved. When you apologize to yourself and you find forgiveness, you will begin to release any remnants of shame associated with your previous unconscious actions, freeing you to start doing better and getting better.

— S G Ruddy 

I would add: forgive yourself for not knowing a different/better way. For me, I didn’t know how “perfect” a relationship could possibly be. My earlier relationships were far more peaceful, loving and respectful than my parents’ dynamic. So I thought I had chosen well. When my second marriage failed, I went back to the drawing board. Aside from therapy and life coaching, I conducted my own little experiment. I interviewed couples who seemed to have a fantastic, successful relationship. I asked them to rate their relationships out of ten. The couples I admired gave their partnership 8.5 or more out of 10. I also spoke to couples who seemed to struggle and they gave their unions 7/10 or below. I took this learning and set my heights on a better overall match. It worked. With a lot more in common and an easier relationship dynamic, I’ve found a sweet, loving life partnership that doesn’t crumble under life’s challenges. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Willing to learn…

If you are not willing to learn, no one can help you.

If you are determined to learn, no one can stop you.

— Unknown

I originally ended up in therapy to save my marriage. The therapist began with a disclaimer. He explained that although people see him to “fix” their relationships, the success rate was only 50%. He said therapy would either deepen the bond or allow us to peacefully separate. Alas, we parted with love and respect, having acquired brand new, healthy communication/relationship skills. My big take away was that it’s never too late to learn new skills. We don’t necessarily learn emotional/relationship skills from our family of origin and they’re not teaching such skills in school either, unless you pursue them. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl