Why bother with resolutions this year?…

Past experience may have told you that it’s unlikely you’ll stick with doing anything dramatically different than before… After having weathered two years of never-before-seen global uncertainty, the ambivalence may have slid to helplessness. Why even attempt to set resolutions when I have no idea what will transpire in the coming months… However, I’ve also seen that even in the midst of uncertainty that you really can move forward on what’s important to you. And in fact, making a resolution and keeping it could greatly boost your sense of self efficacy, i.e. your belief in your ability to take action that benefits yourself and your situation. 

Tips: assess your willingness (and if you don’t, in truth, want to make that particular change, don’t make that resolution), pick just one or two (otherwise resolutions become nice to have extra’s that we run out of time and interest for), commit to specific action (something you can put in your calendar, like booking two dates a month for family/friends, if that’s your priority), make it easy (for example only letting healthy food into the house, if a diet is in your thoughts), track your progress (on paper, or in a calendar to help with focus and consistency), consider enlisting support (partnering with a friend, colleague or mentor to encourage mutually positive goals and feedback)

 — paraphrased from Elizabeth Grace Saunders article Should you Even Bother with New Year’s Resolutions This Year? (Saunders is a time management coach and founder of Real Life E Time Coaching and speaking. She is also the author of How to Invest Your Time Like Money and Divine Time Management) 

For me, it’s typically sugar management. I’ve always had a sweet tooth and could frankly skip straight to the chocolate cake, leave the meat and potatoes, or what have you. But I know sugar is problematic if left unchecked. I’ve dabbled with various resolutions and I actually cut out sweets for 3/4 years. No question, a sugarless diet is a slimming one, Lol. I love that! I’ve since leaned toward dieting during the week, with a cheat day on the weekend (because life is just so buttoned down without desserts in my opinion, ha ha). So far that’s working pretty well, although I really do notice that sugar hit and high, which can be darn addictive. With 2022 arriving tomorrow, I’m going to stay with my mostly successful cheat day on the weekend and if the cheat day stretches out to many days in the week, I’ll reign it in with a sugar break for a few months, which seems to re-up my commitment to the cheat day/weekend set up. Just sayin’ ;) Happy 2022 and best wishes to you and your family for a great year. Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

How to achieve enduring peace, health and love: an “inside” job…

My favourite therapist believes that we can experience and bring to others a far greater and more enduring peace, health and love by addressing our own inner conflict. In his book Healing Your Relationship With Yourself, he addresses the issue he continues to see through his 40’ish years of private practice. Specifically, he says “Most people who come into my office do not understand that the problems that they present to me originate with inner conflict. They believe sincerely (but mistakenly) their problems are the result of external causes. If they persevere in their healing work, they soon come to realize that healing is an ‘inside’ job.” This inside job involves an exploration of the key states of consciousness within us; the fear-based, and survival-oriented aggressive/defensive ego (who has the potential to be angry, harsh, judgmental, critical and worse), a child consciousness (who, in my opinion and experience, carries the feelings, experiences, trauma, scars from our upbringing. Can you say adult tantrum, Lol. But this internal mini me also tends to be quite emotionally savvy and brilliantly honest) and a spiritual consciousness (higher self, or best, most compassionate self). The goal is to heal the fear-based ego, in particular, and then achieve a harmonious and supportive “Inner Family.” I’ve done much of this work and as Joel would say, it is not for the faint of heart, because although reading the book and/or taking one of the weekend seminars is a brilliant start, there’s typically a long road ahead, if one so chooses to embark on this brave path. Personally, I felt I couldn’t afford not to take this journey inward. Let me see, a life of tumultuous and confusing relationships with bad endings, or go back to the drawing board and fix the foundation. Yup, easy choice. It was the right choice too because I ended up finding the love of my life, the perfect job and a very fulfilling relationship with my self, which includes treasured and precious moments of peaceful and rejuvenating solitude. If you’re interested in learning more, check out Joelbrass.com. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Be the person who breaks the cycle…

If you were judged, choose understanding.

If you were rejected, choose acceptance.

If you were shamed, choose compassion.

Be the person you needed when you were hurting, not the person who hurt you.

Vow to be better than what broke you — to heal instead of becoming bitter so you can act from your heart, not your pain.

— Unknown

A wise coach of mine talks about minimizing the level of guilt one needs to carry. He said “As I’ve gotten older I realize I’d rather be honest and honourable, so I can live with a clear conscience. For example, I will not cheat on taxes, as this frees me from worrying about audits and repercussions. When I look back, I realize my relationships were somewhat messy, particularly around endings. I didn’t know how to communicate my needs and desires, so I would sort of emotionally drift away, without a proper heads up to my partner. I didn’t cross the line with anyone else, so my conscience is clear there, but I’ve certainly felt bad in hindsight. I vowed to never let that happen again and basically went to relationship school (workshops and seminars that teach great relationship/communication skills). I ended up finding my perfect partner and we both know how to communicate our needs, wants, struggles and then make kind and respectful requests. Yay. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Choose not to believe them…

You don’t need to change your negative thoughts. You just need to change how you engage with them. Observe them, choose not to believe them, and then let them naturally pass like clouds in the sky. 

They will pass. They always do.

— Lori Deschene

I’m always amazed, and sometimes shocked or perplexed, at what my brain needs to contemplate, Lol. Just sayin’ ; ) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

It’s the small habits…

How you spend your mornings. How you talk to yourself. What you read. What you watch. Who you share your energy with. Who has access to you. That will change your life.

— Unknown

For me, learning good habits has been a combination of life experience and good therapy, Lol. Painful break ups helped me learn about deal breakers and choosing my ideal, perfectly matched life parnter. Therapy has helped me be a good partner, with clear and mutually beneficial communication. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Life is about balance…

Be kind, but don’t let people abuse you.

Trust, but don’t be deceived.

Be content, but never stop improving yourself.

— Unknown

I’ve learned a lot about balance and healthy boundaries from my favourite therapist. His weekend workshops are enlightening to say the least (JoelBrass.com), as he sheds light on how our childhood experiences shape our adult relationships. The “Inner Child” seminar helped solidify my personal foundation and the “Relationships: The Work Of  Love” seminar taught me how to constructively communicate and improve on my most important relationships. My biggest take away is a new perspective on duty and obligation. If I’ve taken care of my own affairs and I have the energy, I am delighted to help out a friend or family member. If I need extra rest or downtime in order to meet my own obligations (work, tending to home, rest/sleep), then I re-consider and focus on my own well being. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“Everything is energy”…

Everything is energy and that’s all there is to it. Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality. It cannot be any other way. This is not philosophy. This is physics.

— Albert Einstein

Interesting. I always thought this belief was primarily a spiritual/philosophical one. Intuitively, I’ve always believed in the power of energy, and positivity leading to better outcomes. Cool that science backs it up. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Clearing out the old energy…

You know great things are coming when everything seems to be going wrong. Old energy is clearing out for new energy to enter. Be patient!

— Idil Ahmed (Author, entrepreneur, speaker and science and spirituality enthusiast. Ahmed delivers inspiring and illuminating content to her one million social media followers, in her mission to elevate the global consciousness. She believes strongly in inner/personal power and clarity).  

Traditionally, I have struggled to let go. What can I say, I’m a big softy. We end up losing precious family members and friends after break ups, and I find that particularly heart breaking. In the end though, change has been quite miraculous and rewarding. I’m determined to get better at the transitional phases of life. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

What do boundaries feel like…

It is not my job to fix others.

It is okay if others get angry.

It is okay to say no.

It is not my job to take responsibility for others. 

I do not have to anticipate the needs of others.

It is my job to make me happy.

Nobody has to agree with me.

I have the right to my own feelings.

I am enough.

— Unknown 

I think I may have posted this quote before, but I just enjoy the feelings of validation re-reading the list. Our parents did their best, as did their parents and the parents before them. The problem is, in my opinion, if we don’t learn about healthy boundaries growing up, we may never learn about them. Thankfully, I learned a whole new set of relationship skills in private therapy, group therapy, life coaching, relationship seminars, and I’m so glad I did. My relationships are more meaningful and fulfilling than I could ever have imagined. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Walk away…

I have no desire to argue with anyone. I choose to walk away because I just want peace.

— e-buddhism.com 

Covid vaccination status comes to mind. I’ve decided to add this discussion to the pile of other topics to avoid; politics, religion, and potentially money. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings, 

Chatgirl 

“Don’t Make Assumptions”…

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

— Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

I totally agree. I think I used to be afraid of speaking up because of the backlash I witnessed growing up. Disagreements seemed to remain disagreements, after much finger pointing, hurt and anger. I’m so glad I learned how to invite open sharing and learning. There’s usually a compromise and a solution, especially after everyone’s been heard and validated. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Holding a grudge…

We often hold a grudge because we don’t want to let the other person off the hook. But who’s really hooked: the one who’s moved on or the one who’s holding on?

— Lori Deschene

I’ve thought a lot about this. I have a couple of painful experiences that repeat, like bad TV reruns,  seemingly against my will. These unhappy, icky little memories often show up in my dreams. Ugh. My favourite therapist says these uncomfortable moments present a great opportunity for enlightenment, if we take a deeper dive into our past, and extract meaningful learnings. Supplemental healing frees and empowers us to make healthier choices, and this typically leads to better quality relationships and improved well being. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Natural and spontaneous changes…

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.

— Lao Tzu

I feel more relaxed just pondering this philosophy. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Accepting what cannot be fixed…

Sometimes a problem is only a problem because you keep trying to solve it. Once you accept what can’t be fixed, it ceases to be a problem and simply becomes a reality that exists.

— Unknown

I really need to embrace this advice. As my favourite therapist says, some circumstances are just our legacy and they cannot be changed. I have particularly painful family politics and it’s taken me far too long to realize this dynamic cannot be fixed. It’s time to focus my energy on what brings me peace and joy. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Passionate, sincere, quiet faith…

Filmmaker Andrei Tarkovsky (1932 - 1986) was experimental and innovative and influential. His imagery was often dreamlike, and his themes were metaphysical. He felt that the most crucial aspect of his creative process was his faith. If he could genuinely believe in the work he was doing, he was sure he’d succeed at even the most improbable projects. But that was a challenge for him. ‘There is nothing more difficult to achieve than a passionate, sincere, quiet faith,’ he said. 

— Rob Brezny 

I appreciate Tarkovsky’s honesty and authenticity. I’m definitely a glass-half full, feel good person. I also find indulging in positive fantasies thoroughly enjoyable… and still, I seem to spend a fair bit of time quieting my brain’s what if scenario’s and fearful thoughts. I’ll keep replacing those pesky thoughts with positive ones though because it makes me feel better. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“Space to talk about it”…

Even if your life holds a lot of beauty. Even if your cup is full and your days are blessed. You’re allowed to be affected. You’re allowed to hurt. You’re allowed to feel broken and sad. And you deserve a space to talk about it. Always.

— Darnell Koepke, Daring To Take Up Space  

I had a pretty spectacular sulk this weekend. I know if I’m not jumping out of bed to go for coffee, if I’m not gearing up for a work out, if I’m napping and binging shows, I’m off, somethings off. Bless my perfect partner for giving me the opportunity to feel out loud. He didn’t try to solve my problem. He didn’t try to lift me up. He just listened and validated my feelings. And you know what, the clouds parted and I found a boost of energy. I worked out, did some tidying around the house and put up my Xmas decorations. And then I also realized something had been really bothering me. I organized my thoughts, sent a fully thought out note to the person I needed to address and then sat down with a deep, much needed sigh. Thank you baby for hearing me and supporting me. Just sayin’ :) Love and hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Highest self…

“Ambivert”

I’m both: introvert and extrovert.

I like people, but I need to be alone. I’ll go out, vibe and meet new people but it has an expiration, because I have to recharge. If I don’t find the valuable alone time I need to recharge I cannot be my highest self.

— Sylvester McNutt (the 3rd) 

I didn’t realize I was an introverted extrovert until well into adulthood. It never really occurred to me because I’m definitely a people person and I thrive on togetherness, compassion and empathy. But I’ve also learned about the importance of self care. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Choose your hard…

Marriage is hard. Divorce is hard. Choose your hard.

Obesity is hard. Fit is hard. Choose your hard.

Being in debt is hard. Being financially disciplined is hard. Choose your hard.

Communication is hard. Not communicating is hard. Choose your hard.

Life will never be easy. It will always be hard. But we can choose our hard.

Choose wisely.

— TheMindsJournal

Very interesting indeed. Communication stands out to me. I don’t know about you, but I learned nothing about conflict resolution from my family of origin or anywhere else for that matter. I did, however, learn a brilliant new way of clearing tension from an ex of mine. I had a tendency to clam up and sulk, which is so unhelpful. Rather that sitting in this dense air, my ex would invite me to share my thoughts, feelings and experience and then he would ask me what I needed and wanted in that moment. Wow. It was so kind and simple. This experience taught me how to invite discussion and taught me to be open to making and hearing requests. I’m so glad I learned how to do this before meeting the love of my life. My perfect partner and I have enjoyed a lot of peace and joy because of these new found relationship skills. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

COVID burnout…

Figures extrapolated from a survey of 6,898 people working at companies with at least 100 employees across Australia, Canada, Germany, New Zealand, Singapore, UK and US report that droves of workers have experienced burnout during the pandemic, which is causing at least 20 percent to seek new jobs. Employees are working big hours. “You’re always on, you’re always available, you’re always checking messages and there seems to be a lack of respect for the weekend.” 

The top three reasons for burnout were increased workload, insufficient compensation and mental health challenges. Jobseekers want their time and personal life to be valued and respected. 

— Excerpt from CTV News, Workers facing burnout during the pandemic: Ceridian report) 

That makes me feel much better about my sort of lifeless state lately. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Fake love vs real love…

Is fake love better than real love? Real love is responsibility, compromise, selflessness, being present, and all that shit. 

Fake love is magic, excitement, false hope, infatuation, and getting high off the potential that another person is going to save you from yourself.

— Melissa Broder (Excerpt from Broder’s essay on the subject) 

My favourite therapist says that when we meet someone new and exciting, we tend to wear our fantasy goggles and see this shiny person as our exact, perfect match. I’m happy to report that real love and fake love can co-exist. I managed to find the love of my life (after finding a few Mr Wrongs, Lol) and the relationship is perfect even when it’s not perfect. We’re a really easy match, with minimal friction and an ongoing desire to take tender with one another. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Just you and the sunrise…

I love early mornings when it feels like the rest of the world is still fast asleep and you’re the only one who’s awake and everything feels like it isn’t really real and you kind of forget about all your problems because for now it’s just you, the world and the sunrise.

— Unknown

I love mornings for that reason too. But for me, it’s sunshine and swimming in the warm ocean. I just got back from Mexico and I could feel the stress leave my body the moment I walked out of the airport and into the warm sun. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl