Growing through challenge...

We don’t grow when things are easy, we grow when we face challenges.

— Joyce Meyer 

This has been very true for me. The most difficult job I ever had managed to advance my overall acumen in unexpected and brilliant ways. For example, in my role, administration has typically been minimal and of limited importance. Needless to say, spreadsheets and such were never my forte. For that matter, I sort of cobbled together my Microsoft Office skills, as I never formally took any of the courses. I learned the skills I needed when I needed them. Coming back to the difficult job, the expectation was the traditional role, plus this huge administrative component added on, kinda like two full time jobs. I actually had to wash my hair less often, shorten the styling time, find a shorter, more intensive daily work out and for the first time I worked most evenings and weekends. My level of stress was through the roof and my colleagues and I felt our jobs were at risk as a default setting. Somehow I survived and managed to excel, which gave me the track record to negotiate quite a very spiffy contract on my next job. I now know how to analyze my effectiveness with a level of detail that would not otherwise have interested me frankly. I am now enjoying the dreamiest job and making more money than I ever made. I love the company, the company culture, the clients and how the company treats its employees and clients. Without that horrible job, I doubt I would have achieved this level of accomplishment and fulfilment. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“Transform your whole life”...

Accept—then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it... This will miraculously transform your whole life. 

— Eckhart Tolle

I’ve read Tolle’s The Power of Now and A New Earth (the latter being easier to follow, in my opinion). Tolle’s phrase “do not resist” has stuck with me over the years. Particularly when something shocking and unexpected happens, I remember those three little words and tell myself to “accept— then act.” This seems to shift my mind into a problem solving mode, rather than a resistant one. Not every time perhaps, but in most cases the “problem” leads to a reimagined solution and blessing in disguise (such as my gorgeous new couch that wouldn’t fit into my home, which led to a sectional and even more gorgeous, homey and spacious living room). Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

“The Case for Asking Sensitive Questions”...

We often avoid asking questions that feel too sensitive or personal. But avoiding these potentially awkward conversations comes at a cost: When negotiating a salary or choosing where to live, for example, it can be very useful to know how much a coworker earns or how much a friend pays in rent... Our recent research shows that, on average, people err too far on the side of politeness. In our studies, we found that people generally avoided asking sensitive questions out of fear that they would offend their conversation partners — but when they actually did ask these questions, most people were far less offended than their partners had expected them to be. 

— Evian Hart, Eric M. VanEpps and Maurice Schweitzer, Harvard Business Review

My favourite therapist teaches seminars on “clearing” which is similar. Individuals in the group are supposed to approach one another if they feel any discomfort/friction/judgment between them. This leads to authentic sharing, a better understanding of one another, empathy for the other, and a real connection. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Walk yourself out of a bad mood...

Walk yourself out of a bad mood. Studies show that even a 10 minute walk immediately BOOSTS brain chemistry to increase HAPPINESS.

— Unknown 

I’ve been observing my bad moods lately and I’ve noticed that when I get busy doing something, almost anything, I end up forgetting the angst of the day. My worst bouts of tough emotion tend to have the deepest roots (long standing family injustices, relationship let downs, financial hits). I’m gonna keep working on this because sitting in the muck certainly doesn’t make me feel any better. For things I can’t shake, I see a professional. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“Carrying two days at once”...

Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength — carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying does not empty tomorrow of it’s sorrow; it empties today of its strength.

— Corrie ten Boom (Dutch Christian watchmaker and writer. ten Boom’s family helped many Jews escape from the Nazi’s during the Second World War by hiding them in her home. She was caught and imprisoned at the concentration camp herself, which inspired her famous biography The Hiding Place, about her family’s experience and how she found and shared hope in God during this time). 

Wow. I’m sort of speechless... Except to say that I do believe in finding faith, however that may look for each of us. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Covid and our fight for focus...

It seems ages since we started referring to life in these “uncertain times.” For months now, our routines have been disrupted and we’ve been forced to adapt. Anecdotally, one major consequence is a state of mental fatigue. If feels hard to concentrate for any length of time, as if we’re in a collective state of near-constant distraction... do a quick search and you’ll find an avalanche of articles on people who can’t concentrate ... There’s a psychological theory, originally applied in the context of learning, that might help explain why living in the age of Covid-19 may have turned or minds to soup. It’s called Cognitive Load Theory (CLT), which characterizes our minds as information systems. When we’re working on a problem, we depend on our “working memory”, which is very limited both in its capacity and length of time it holds information. The less familiar you are with a task, the more you depend on your working memory to help juggle the relevant information; in contrast, when you’re an expert, most of what you need to know is stored in long-term memory and you’re able to complete the task on auto-pilot... Ordinarily in a time of upheaval, we can adjust quickly and the cognitive load becomes more manageable again. What’s striking about life in the era of Covid-19 is that the situation keeps changing...

— Christian Jarrett (BBC.com, Cognitive Load Theory: Explaining our fight for focus) 

It’s nice to know that brain fog is a thing right now. So many of our experiences are universal, if you think about it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again... I think we should cut ourselves more slack. Life is constantly changing and it’s not like you get a heads up to prepare. For example, I bought a gorgeous new couch recently, because the leg broke on my old one and there was no way to fix it. Bummer too because I really loved that couch and didn’t feel like spending money on a new one. My boyfriend and I were super excited when the couch finally arrived after nine loooong weeks, until the movers couldn’t get the damned thing in the door. No way this was gonna happen. The next four days were a complete ordeal. The store that sold us the couch said the couch was a final sale and didn’t really want to help us out. We had to be our most brilliant, professional, convincing problem solvers ever and talk the General Manager into exchanging the couch for something that would fit into our place. We also had to eat a “re-stocking” fee and another set of delivery costs. So much stress and no couch for 4 days (and nights, which can be a big issue on nights that I’m struggling to sleep). In the end, we managed to manifest a brilliant solution and our living room is now more spacious and livable than before. Very cool... but not before enduring a shocking and stressful four days, on top of Covid and everything else that life foists upon us. So again, I think we should pat ourselves on the back for all that we manage and accomplish, especially now. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Escaping the victim mentality...

When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation, or accept it. All else is madness.

— Eckhart Tolle

I gained a tremendous amount of tangible and intangible benefits from the most challenging career predicament of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I complained like crazy at the time. I was in a particularly difficult job. There were loads of micro-managing and antagonistic fear tactics, with heavy in-fighting and competitiveness. The position also felt like two full time jobs because the company wanted as much documentation as tangible results. I was miserable for a year and a half. I did want to leave, and I looked at other options, but I hadn’t been at this job for long enough to present as a reliable and committed employee. Thank goodness a former manager found me and offered me a new sanity (and financially) saving position. Fewf! When I look back on that hated position, I’m still amazed and grateful for the unexpected outcome; a new level of administrative competency, some tricks and tips for my personal life which continue to save me time and energy, a stronger ability to influence, with a more precise and concise argument and so much more. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The gift of tact (especially in 2020!)...

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

— Isaac Newton (Astronomer, physicist, mathematician, natural philosopher, and surprisingly, an accomplish theologian. Newton was ranked SECOND in the book The 100: A Ranking of the Most Influential Persons in History). 

A philosophy that seems of particular importance in these unprecedented, surreal times. Covid living is a struggle for most of us and perhaps isn’t bring out the best in us. I like Dr Bonny Henry’s (Provincial Health Office for BC) phrase: “Be kind. Be calm and be safe.” We can try! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

F.A.I.L (first attempt in learning)...

If you ever fail, don’t stop. (F.A.I.L means first attempt in learning)

It is not the End. (E.N.D means effort never dies)

If someone tells you “no” (N.O. means next opportunity) 

— Breakthrough Empire  

So many success stories are defined by a crazy number of attempts. Colonel Sanders started at 65 and “failed” 1009 times before succeeding. Makes me feel better about my own, as yet, unanswered efforts. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“Paradox mindset”...

Over a series of studies, psychologists and organizational scientists have found that people who learn to embrace, rather than reject opposing demands show greater creativity, flexibility and productivity. The dual constraints actually enhance their performance. Researchers call this a “paradox mindset.” Although this concept may sound counter-intuitive, it is inspired by a long history of research showing that contemplation of apparent contradictions can break down our assumptions, offering us wholly new ways of looking at the problem. 

Harvard University psychiatrist Albert Rothenberg was among the first to investigate the idea formally, with a study in 1996 of acclaimed geniuses. Interviewing 22 Nobel laureates, and analyzing historical accounts of deceased world-changing scientists, he noted that each revolutionary thinker had spent considerable time “actively conceiving multiple opposites or antithesis simultaneously.” 

... Those without the paradox mindset, in contrast, tended to crumble, and struggled to maintain their performance when resources were scarce.

— Loizos Heracleous and David Robson (Why they ‘paradox mindset’ is the key to success, bbc.com)

Very interesting. I think I’ll be able to remember this when faced with difficult decisions and a competing list of pro’s and cons. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Allow it. Release it...

Feel the feeling but don’t become the emotion.

Witness it. Allow it.

Release it.

— Crystal Andrus (From life as a homeless teen to coaching A-list celebrities and author of four best-selling self-discovery and personal transformation books).

My favourite therapist says we need to feel our feelings in order to set them free (especially the deep seated, long standing ones from childhood). Otherwise, our emotions can act like programs, running in the background, potentially interfering with our closest relationships and sense of well being. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

No...

Things to Know About Life

“No” is a complete sentence.

It does not require justification or explanation.

— Unknown

My favourite therapist says that a no response is about drawing boundaries for our personal well-being. Interestingly, he says people typically respond very well when our intention is self care. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

A vision for the future...

Love is better than anger.

Hope is better than fear.

Optimism is better than despair.

So let us be loving, hopeful & optimistic 

And we’ll change the world.

— Jack Layton (From a letter written in his final says to New Democrats and Canadians, in which he looked toward the future, refusing to let his vision of Canada die). 

Now this is a vision I can get behind. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO  

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Coping with a terrible day...

* Focus on a familiar activity. (Find a task on your to-do list that’s satisfying but so familiar that it’s not taxing). 

* Tackle an unfamiliar task you’ve been avoiding. (Will help you feel competent and on track). 

* Do half your usual work. (So you don’t feel overwhelmed. Consider taking a mental health day). 

* Connect with others. (Loneliness increases stress and reduces productivity). 

* Drop your fear of negative emotions. (Sadness can enhance creativity and anger can make us more determined). 

— Alice Boyes, PhD clinical psychologist turned author (From Feeling Overhwelmed? Here’s How to Get Through the Workday, Harvard Business Review) 

My favourite therapist says our “negative” emotions provide much insight and can help guide us in setting healthier boundaries. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Positivity Challenge (with a twist?) ...

When a negative thought enters your mind, think three positive ones. 

Train yourself to flip the script!

— Unknown

My favourite therapist says that we should honour, and give voice to our thoughts/worries/fears, whatever they may be. The big negativity probably comes from Ego and once we air those grievances with ourselves (on paper, in our mind, with a friend or professional), the charge should at least quiet down. In my experience, management of our more persistent grievances may require professional guidance. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Coping with stress...

During times of high-stakes uncertainty, it’s normal to stress about potential threats and negative outcomes, and it can be tougher to resist anxious thoughts given that the coronavirus has disrupted the usual ways we comfort ourselves. But getting lost in worries is emotionally depleting, and it interferes with moving forward. That’s why it’s worth improving how you handle this pesky mental habit. Many of us worry because we feel that it helps us plan. It’s tempting to keep unsettling issues top of mind — the same way we review our to-dos — to prepare. “Our minds will try to solve a problem, even if it’s a problem that can’t be solved by us,” said Lizabeth Roemer, a professor of psychology at the University of Massachusetts Boston, and an author of  “Worry Less, Live More: The Mindful Way through Anxiety Workbook.” ...What helps is being present, even if that means sitting with uncertainty, sadness, and, yes, a certain amount of worry — approached intentionally. Here are some of my favourite evidence-based strategies to finding clarity when your worries feel overwhelming.

Accept your worries (observe without judging)

Free yourself from mental multitasking (try carving out time to focus on the worrisome thoughts, as stimulus control)

Make a worry appointment (20 - 30 minutes tops. Maybe split in half, if more than one big issue. Consider journaling about the anxieties/fears)  

— Jenny Taitz, Psychologist (From the article How to Worry More Mindfully, The New York Times) 

One sentence strikes me in particular... that Covid has disrupted the usual ways we comfort ourselves. So not only are we potentially struggling with job insecurity, finances, tight quarters at home, we’re also having to do without many of the things that bring us joy and pleasure. We are SOOOO entitled to be at less than our best right now. Just sayin’ :) Hugs XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Energies...

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.

— Ghandi

I don’t know about you, but I’m super sensitive to my environment, including other people’s energy/emotions. I find I need to protect my own energy with sufficient downtime, where I can decompress and rejuvenate. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs, XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Positivity Pledge...

I shall no longer allow negative thoughts or feelings to drain me of my energy. Instead I shall focus on all the good that is in my life. I will think it, feel it and speak it. By doing so I will send out vibes of positive energy into the world and I shall be grateful for all the wonderful things it will attract into my life.

— Unknown

I do find that focusing on positive energy can bring sweet results! Having said that, my favourite therapist highlights underlying and unresolved issues that may, at times, prevent us from managing our “negative” emotions. He says if we strive to unload some of our baggage, we’ll likely find more space for positivity. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“What matters most”...

One of the greatest paradoxes in American life is that while, on average, existence has gotten more comfortable over time, happiness has fallen... There’s nothing new about the idea that consumption doesn’t lead to happiness—that concept is a mainstay of just about every religion and many philosophical traditions as well... A group of my colleagues at Harvard show in their research that to get happier as we prosper, we need to change the choices we make with our financial resources. In an extensive review of the literature, they analyze the happiness benefits of at least four uses of income: buying consumer items, buying time to pay for help (by, say, hiring people to do tasks you don’t enjoy), buying accompanied experiences (for example, going on vacation with a loved one), and donating charitably or giving to friends and family. The evidence is clear that, although people tend toward the first, much greater happiness comes from the other three... subjects who reported having the happiest lives were those with strong family ties, close friendships, and rich romantic lives. The subjects who were most depressed and lonely late in life—not to mention more likely to be suffering from dementia, alcoholism, or other health problems—were the ones who had neglected their close relationships.

— Arthur Brooks (from the Atlantic article Are We Trading Our Happiness for Modern Comforts?)

I think I learned this most valuable lesson out of necessity. I survived the financial crash of 2008, just barely. I was a paycheque away from moving in with my Mum or sister. Jobs were scarce and the ones I could find were paying half of what I was used to. I had not choice but to stop spending for about three years. Quite the deal. Funny thing is, it kinda stuck. Many, many years later I still tend to not spend. I also think carefully about my purchases. Actually, even more importantly, I don’t even really think about shopping anymore. I still like to consignment shop, but I tend to sell/buy and end up mostly level. I spend more time on writing, thinking/daydreaming, reading, exercise, visiting with animals, communing with my sweetheart/friends/family/the locals at my coffee shop. I would say I work more, but in a different way. I focus on being of service to colleagues and customers. It feels good and there’s nothing missing. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl