Toxic people make you feel like you’re holding a grudge.
No, dude, That’s a boundary.
— Unknown
My favourite therapist talks a lot about boundaries. He says if we’ve grown up without boundaries or with our boundaries being disrespected/crossed, we’re probably not even aware of the issue. But we are well within our rights to take care of ourselves, which means saying no sometimes, and maybe making requests for different behaviour. Just sayin’ :) Hugs, XO.
Blessings,
Chatgirl
For some of us, 2020 has removed what little boundaries remained between our professional and personal life. Which is code for having less personal life than we use to have. For some people, it’s Zoom, Eat, Sleep, Repeat. We look at our Fitbit at the end of the day and it reads 300 steps. Literally. We feel guilty if we’re aren’t being productive on email, in meetings, researching something online. Even if we take a bath to relax, we sneakily bring out phones with us so not much has actually changed. To kill it (without being killed by our current work environment) we need to make this our new mantra: Relaxing is a responsibility.
— Greg McKeown (New York Times bestseller of Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less. McKeown is one of the most popular bloggers for the Harvard Business Review. He is an accomplished speaker who has spoken at companies including Apple, Facebook, Google, LinkedIn, Pixar, Salesforce.com, Twitter, Stanford University and the World Economic Forum. He speaks about innovation, focus, leadership, discipline, simplicity, execution, and of course living and leading as an Essentialist).
I don’t know about you, but this article/notion really resonates with me. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
“Imagination is fundamental for the development of people and for societies. It brings us to strive, and history to unfold. Physical walls cannot confine us.”
— Tania Zittoun
Imagination is vital and precious. We should nourish it: exploring the world through films and documentaries, visiting the past through novels, discovering fantastic realities when transported by music or cartoons, visiting some of our favourite places through online maps or sharing memories with others. Physical walls cannot confine us, we can roam beyond them, to wherever our imagination takes us.
— Scott Olser, Editor at LinkedIn News
I don’t know about you, but I rely on a couple of warm getaways to survive the winter blues. I’ll definitely need to get creative, especially with all the restrictions at home (limited movies/movie times, minimal coffee shop/restaurant access, get together restrictions). I just may try some of the suggestions above. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO
Blesssings,
Chatgirl
Some benefits of commuting... or separating work from life in these Covid times:
Time for “Prospection” - three years ago, a team of researchers led by Harvard Business School professor Francesca Gina found that people who use their commuting time to think through their plans for the day—something the team called “prospection”— were more productive once they arrived at the office than those who did other mental tasks or looked for distractions.
Do something physical - can help expend more calories during the week without actually having to work out
Social connection - add in some friendly banter in short exchanges, grabbing coffee from your local coffee shop, or a on a short walk around the neighbourhood
Time for transition - creates a psychic barrier and opportunity to get in the right frame of mind for work/home
A break from being “on” - a moment elude all roles and expectations and not be an employee, manager, executive, parent, roommate, spouse
A chance to daydream - allowing for creative breakthroughs. (Also called the “incubation effect” in which unconscious mechanisms unlock connections that were not obvious to your directed thoughts).
— Lila MacLellan (Quartz at Work reporter, from the article Separate work from life wth a “virtual commute” that energizes you)
Great advice! I feel more relaxed just thinking about it. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Change your language to “what if it does work.” Believe in possibilities. Think of the best case scenario. Retraining your mind will lift you higher out of the overthinking, stress, and worry of negative habitual thoughts. Change starts with your mindset. Shift it. Switch it.
— averstu.com
I like it! Think of the best case scenario! Great reminder that I will strive to remember in fearful moments. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
A dream written down with a date becomes a goal.
A goal broken down into steps becomes a plan.
I plan backed by action makes your dreams come true.
— Unknown
Thing is, it can take time. In my experience anyway. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
I changed my thinking.
It changed my life.
— Unknown
The biggest paradigm shift I’ve ever had is around money. I survived the financial crisis post 2008, but it took years to recover from the lost wages. There was a silver lining however. I had to go suuuuch a long time without spending money that I had to tell myself a new story. The story was about enjoying simple pleasures; swimming/yoga, spending time with animals, writing at my favourite coffee shop (that I could afford luckily), watching movies from my home library, visiting with friends. I never went back to my pre-crash spending and now enjoy saving, watching my money grow and knowing I can support myself if that rainy day comes again. Game changer. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
When we fight the idea of being lost, we’re unable to do anything about it. We can’t recalculate the route if some part of us believes we’re still on the path. But when we accept that we’re lost, we shift from knowing to listening. In this receptive state, we’re much more alert to options and opportunities.
— Ingrid Fetell Lee (Designer with a Master’s in Industrial Design from Pratt’s Institute, author of the book Joyful and Ted Speaker. Drawing on research from the fields of neuroscience and psychology, Ingrid Fetell Lee studies joy and reveals how we can find more of it in the world around us, by exploring the powerful connection between our surroundings and our emotions).
In this Covid world, I realize I really need to re-set my expectations and attachments. I’m used to booking one or two warm get always to escape the dark, cold dampness of winter. In-restaurant dining is quite limited, as are movies and cinema options. What to do, what to do?? I’m still working on it! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Procrastination strikes everyone... You can’t hope to stop procrastinating until you first have a firm understanding of why you Procrastinate. New research from Joseph Ferrari at DePaul University shows that procrastination is more complicated than most people think. People tend to think of procrastination as coming from poor time management or laziness, but Ferrari’s research shows that procrastination stems from negative emotions that hijack your mood. Once you’re under the influence of these emotions, you can’t bring yourself to work. Figure out why. When you aren’t in the mood to work, procrastination is telling you something important. It could be something simple, such as you need to take a break or get something to eat. It could also be something complex, such as you’re carrying the team on your back or you’re dissatisfied with your job. Whatever it is, instead of punishing yourself for procrastinating, take a moment to reflect and figure out why you’re procrastinating. This could end up being the most productive step you take in conquering your task.
— Dr Travis Bradbury (Author The Seagull Manager, Emotional Intelligence 2.0 & Cofounder of TalentSmart, California School of Professional Psychology Greater San Diego Area).
I’ve noticed I put off activities that I’m not good at (like spreadsheets or other detail oriented tasks) or that may involve a frosty response (like cold calling or delivering disappointing news). I recently devoted a few hours to such activities and said to myself “I get why I put these things off. It’s yuck.” I made a deal with myself that when I complete my least desired to-do’s, I’ll immediately treat myself to something I love doing. This way, I’m efficient and engaged because I can’t wait for my happy hour ;) Just sayin’ ;) Hugs, XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
New research suggests why and how you should dig deep into your feelings.
According to a newly published journal article by Katherine Tillman of Northern Arizona University (2020), getting in touch with your “unfelt feelings” may be exactly what you need to do... an unfelt feeling is one that arises independently of your conscious awareness, affecting your actions whether you acknowledge it or not... what if these unfelt feelings lead to behaviours that are not so adaptive? Do you constantly look online for new information about how COVID-19 is spreading? Are you unable to sleep? Do you get angry at people you care about for no apparent reason? Without awareness of your feelings, these unchecked behaviours can take over your life.
— Susan Krause Whitbourne, Ph.D (Psychology Today, posted Oct 13 2020)
My favourite therapist is a proponent of this philosophy and approach to treatment/improving one’s relationships/level of happiness and well being/success and fulfillment. He also recommends group therapy/relationship workshops, as listening to others’ stories and feelings can help us get in touch with some of our own deeper feelings and underlying issues. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
When we learn how to take back controls that we’ve given away, we can get better at managing our attention and not surrendering to every distraction. Below are five elements of a broad basic plan for managing our attention, with techniques for developing habits to help us find focus and achieve our goals...
1. Energy - monitor our brain’s energy supply. When we invest our energy wisely, we can make sure the tank is full, allowing us to feel more positive.
2. Emotion - the on-off switch for learning and peak performance. Our emotional state drives the quality of our focus, and the results we can achieve. Working within a group that is high on trust and low on fear will help us achieve our best. The better we understand ourselves, our personal psychology, and our emotional hot buttons, the better we’ll be able to achieve the right emotional state for focus. Positive emotion galvanizes our engagement.
3. Engagement - we must be interested in order to pay close attention. We must also be motivated. Interest and motivation equal engagement. Do what you love and what you’re good at. There should also be room for creative input, to prevent boredom.
4. Structure - How we shape our day, how we spend our time, the boundaries we create, the rules we follow, which assistants we apply, which filing system we use, which hours we keep, which breaks we take, which priorities we set up, which tasks we take on vs farm out, which plans we make and what flexibility we build in. Without structure, chaos reigns. We need to take control.
5. Control - in today’s world, if we don’t take control of our time, it will be taken from us. Most of us flush at least 150 minutes every day without even noticing we’re doing it.
These five elements combine to create a plan that will allow for optimum results without feeling frazzled and frantic. This plan can be individualized to one’s own situation, personality and emotional make up, but the basic elements can work for everyone.
— Dr Edward M Hallowell, MD (from Hallowell Center’s in Sudbury, Mass., New York City, and San Francisco, all specializing in training attention in people of all ages).
Great advice, a great plan and the ideal time to try it out. Nothin’ to lose! Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
“The hardest thing you will ever do is trust yourself,” says journalist Barbara Walters. Really? I don’t think so. In my experience, the hardest thing to do is to consistently treat ourselves with the loving care we need to be mentally and physically healthy. But I do acknowledge that trusting ourselves is also an iffy task for many of us. And yet that’s often because we don’t habitually give ourselves the loving care we need to be healthy. How can we trust ourselves if we don’t put in the work necessary to ensure our vitality?
— Rob Brezsny, freewillastrology
I’ve read much about the “internalized parent” and our tendency to maintain the critiquing/judging/disciplining voice we endured to growing up. Problem is, much of that inner dialogue is negative and damaging to our sense of self and well being. The troubling inner monologue can lead to ongoing self-worth issues and leave us feeling unloveable. There are workshops/therapy that can address this often unconscious pattern. I’ve done a number of such weekend seminars and they’ve provided quite the reprieve and positive steps forward. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
I forgive people but that doesn’t mean I accept their behaviour or trust them. I forgive them for me, so I can let go and move on with my life.
— Unknown
I’ve given forgiveness a lot of thought over the years. I’m a psychology major and I’ve since read loads of books and worked with numerous helping professionals (traditional therapy/life coaching/body talk/Craniosacral Therapy/relationship workshops - all of them worthwhile and life altering)... and still, I found forgiveness quite the process. I’ve just recently found a way to forgive a couple of individuals, with whom I’ve harboured long standing grievances. I gotta tell yah, it feels really good. I’ve been able to find the language that sits right with my heart and mind. I think of the person and say “I know that ____ did the best he/she could at the time. We all have flaws and we all make mistakes. I don’t like what he/she did and it deeply hurt me, but this is a reflection on him/her and not me. I want to be the best person I can be and I’m happy that I’m able to behave in a way that doesn’t hurt people, at least to my knowledge.” Something along those lines, anyway. For me, it feels good to let someone off the hook for their “bad” or “hurtful” behaviour because I also let myself off the hook for some of my own imperfect actions/behaviour. We all have our limitations and we don’t always get it right. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
The best way to get people’s attention and hold it is by presenting to the world what we might call the best version of ourselves, which simply means just being genuine, being prepared, and being empathetic. But behaving in a genuine way, presenting that better version of yourself to the world, will give your words and actions authenticity, projecting a natural straightforward image of somebody who thinks clearly and who can express themselves with ease.
—Santiago Iniguez (President, IE University: Reinventing Higher Education)
My favourite therapist says that when we accept all of who we are, we’ll be more capable of authenticity, empathy, and better quality relationships. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Fast-thinking may help make us human, but slow-thinking completes our humanity. Hearing is fast — even hearing to extract information is fast — but listening is slow. Reaction with emotion is fast, but reaction with empathy — understanding the experiences of others — is slow. Slow-thinking is typically not just learning. Slow-thinking often begins with unlearning. Looking at the world in a different way — taking in new perspectives, working to resolve contradictory information, just taking time to process our thoughts and take measure of the act of thinking itself — all of these allow us to reshape our brain physically, to dismantle neurological connections and build new ones. Learning alone is not enough; we must complement learning with unlearning and relearning. In many ways, circumstances of the year 2020 have naturally pushed us toward slower thinking...
Sean Decatur (President at Kenyon College)
What I learned from my favourite therapist is that we don’t necessarily learn all the necessary communication/relationships skills we may need to succeed in our careers/marriages/partnerships from our family of origin. I owe much of my success and fulfillment to the extra education/re-education. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
There are endless formulas about how to be confident. My experience has taught me it’s much simpler: Confidence is about being yourself and feeling comfortable in your skin. There is a societal notion that we need to be perfect and have all the answers. Have you ever met a perfect person? Me neither. I know I’m always going to have flaws, areas I need to grow, and things I don’t like about myself. I’m the first one to criticize myself but that doesn’t mean I can’t be self-assured. The two aren’t mutually exclusive... We don’t have to be good at everything. It’s better to be honest. Confidence is an inside job... Every win builds your belief in yourself. It’s shaky ground to define our abilities by things going right, though. I wouldn’t get through a week if I let my self-esteem get knocked everything time I made a mistake. Our resilience muscles have to be equally strong...
— Rebecca Minkoff (Founder of Rebecca Minkoff and the Female Founder Collective)
My favourite therapist gave me the best, most profound advice. He said “you need to have your own back, and that means embracing all of who you are and staying true to who you are, your likes/dislikes, needs, wants and deal breakers, particularly when it comes to relationships.” I gave this a ton of thought and spent a good year refining my personal story. Then I met the love of my life. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Pause before judging.
Pause before assuming.
Pause before accusing.
Pause whenever you’re about to react harshly and you’ll avoid doing and saying things you’ll later regret.
— Lori Deschene
One of the best lessons I’ve ever learned is to listen with curiosity. My default used to be somewhat defensive, as I felt I was being judged and criticized. I know now that there is always room to learn and evolve, and be the better for it. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
I was thinking about the GPS in my car. It never gets annoyed at me. If I make a mistake, it says “Recalculating.” And then it tells me to make the soonest left turn and go back.
I thought to myself, you know, I should write a book and call it “Recalculating” because I think that’s what we’re doing all the time, that something happens, it challenges us and the challenge is, OK, so do you want to get mad now?... There’s a fork in the road here. I could become indignant; I could flame up this flame of negativity or I could say, “Recalculating. I’ll just go back there.”
— Sylvia Boorstein (from the podcast On Being, where Krista Tippett interviews writer and Buddhist teacher Boorstein).
What a helpful analogy in this tumultuous Covid time. Just sayin’ :) Hugs XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Some would argue that human attention, not money, is the most valuable commodity there is. It’s the ultimate scarce resource... Data showed that the farther away students placed their phone while studying, the higher their grades. If you’re trying to control your attention, don’t just try to do it with willpower. You need to hack your physical space.
— Angela Duckworth (Author of Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance and founder and scientific director of Character Lab, a nonprofit that connects researchers with educators).
So many people I’ve talked to lately are struggling with “Covid brain.” Some common descriptions are; foggy headed, inability to concentrate, lack of motivation, forgetfulness, moodiness, lack of hope, sadness at having nothing to look forward to. Good thing is, we’re not alone. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Even the most conflict-averse among us will inevitably end up in a difficult, tense conversation now and again. No matter the topic — politics, ethics, business strategy — we can prepare for this moment by embracing what Harvard’s Francesca Gino refers to as conversational receptiveness. Among other things, this involves actively working to make sure you understand and acknowledge your conversation partner’s point of view, even if you don’t agree with it. Such openness yields dividends, according to Gino’s research, paving a path to agreement and continued discussion.
— Scott Osler, Editor at LinkedIn News
My favourite therapist incorporates a “clearing” education and practice session in his weekend relationship seminars. He says if we’re feeling discomfort with someone in our relationship world, we would do well to address the issue. He says if we can articulate how we’re feeling, the other person will likely respond with curiosity and compassion. Expressing our feelings is also an act of self care or “having our own back.” Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
People always think that the most painful thing in life is losing the one you value. The truth is, the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone too much and forgetting that you are special too.
— Unknown
I wish I could tell my younger self... but it’s never too late to value ourselves properly. My biggest heartbreaks have led me to more personal stability and fulfilment than I could have imagined. The love of my life and healthiest relationship followed. Love and thanks to my past partners/relationships. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
The average person’s mind wanders 47 percent of the time, according to a 2010 Harvard study, so nearly half the time you’re doing one thing, you’re thinking about something else. Add in the 24-hour news cycle, the barrage of social media and the countless distractions for those working from their bedrooms, backyards and walk-in closets — a number that has more than quadrupled from 8.2 percent in February 2020 to 35.2 percent in May 2020, according to research from the Federal Reserve Bank of Dallas — and it’s no surprise that people are struggling to focus.
— Caren Osten Gerszberg
I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing many others are struggling with focus while working in atypical spaces. I have a feeling we’re coping pretty well, considering. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Your energy introduces you before you even speak.
— Unknown
I’m a big believer in energies. Some days I know I need to hide and figure out what’s bringing me down. Just sayin’ :) Hugs XO
Blessings,
Chatgirl
