Things that are true at the same time…

• Your parents did the best they could, AND their choices wounded you.
• You love someone AND you know it’s not healthy to keep them in your life. 
• You’re terrified to take the next step AND you know it’s the right thing to do.
• You want to have healthy relationships AND unresolved trauma is making it difficult.
• You’re afraid to fail AND you believe in yourself.

— @drheidigreen (American therapist and author. Green believes everyone has the power to be truly happy and she encourages clients to take control of their own happiness. She uses a number of techniques including EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), EFT (Emotional Focused Therapy) and DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) 

No question unresolved trauma led me astray in both love and friendship. I allowed far too much drama and stress into my life. My favourite therapist says that we can have too high a tolerance for behaviours that we’re familiar with. Thankfully, I learned to draw better boundaries, identify key deal breakers and say no to unhealthy relationships. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

When someone truly listens…

When a manager truly listens, gives an employee his or her full attention, doesn’t interrupt, the Harvard Business Review tells us, this really does seem “to make an employee more relaxed, more self-aware of his or her strengths and weaknesses, and more willing to reflect in a non-defensive manner. 

— Patrick Johnston (Vancouver Canucks reporter for The Province newspaper, Vancouver). 

As my favourite therapist teaches, same goes for love relationships. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Therapy might surprise and comfort you…

I pursued a degree in psychology because I’m fascinated by the dynamics between people, and I’m deeply curious about what we do and why we do it (fact based). Having said that, I didn’t exactly, willingly pursue individual therapy (deeply emotional and vulnerable!). I remember the prying question in my very first relationship/group therapy weekend workshop. We were each asked (16 people per class) why, in truth, we were there. I shyly admitted that I was really only there because my boyfriend, and future husband, felt I needed to formally address my family issues. It was quite terrifying being vulnerable in a room of complete strangers. Quite surprisingly though, I became mesmerized. I think there’s a perception that if you’re in therapy, you’re totally messed up and/or you’re a screw up. I came to realize that therapy is just a form of self care. For me, therapy became a very safe and comforting place, where I felt heard, understood and validated. I also learned a whole host of new, invaluable life skills. Most importantly, I found the emotional and mental stability needed to process life, without being reactionary and defensive, which I think this is a bit of a super power. You can more calmly invite collaborative discussions with the people you care about. Of course, this requires some sort of capability from those around you as well. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Shuffle your deck for a better outcome (add new skills?)…

I didn’t grow up having role models. I grew up having people I didn’t want to be like and seeing situations I’d never want to be in. Not all of us are dealt the right cards, but that doesn’t mean you can’t reshuffle your deck for a better outcome. 

— Unknown 

My big take away from extensive healing work (intensive therapy, life coaching, EMDR, a multitude of relationship workshops, energy work), is the importance of relationship/communication education. We graduate high school, move out of home soon after, and become full fledged adults. Odds are, we further our skills in pursuit of better paying jobs/advancing our careers. But do we further our relationship skills? I learned that mine were substandard, based on a lack of healthy role models. I feel extremely fortunate to have landed on a better path. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Can’t save someone if…

Someone needs to hear this.

You cannot save someone who is not willing to participate in their own rescue.

— Unknown 

I don’t know about you, but this resonates for me. I’ve been close to a couple of people with a tendency toward angst. Problem is, I’m an optimist and I’m also an emotional sponge. I finally had to call uncle and realize that I am not a trained therapist, and this is bigger than me. I’ve chosen to focus on my own healing and well being. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Healing happens by feeling…

SIT WITH IT. 

Instead of drinking it away, smoking it away, sleeping it away, eating it away, or running from it.

Just sit with it.

Healing happens by feeling.

— Unknown 

When I began intensive therapy, my therapist initially said, “Hey, I really enjoy talking to you because you have some knowledge of psychology and some interesting philosophies. But chatting intellectually will do nothing to help with your present challenges, which likely stem from unresolved, early childhood trauma. So, let’s get to work shall we.” Ok then. And get to work we did. Fortunately, my therapist with 40+ years of successful individual and family therapy had numerous exercises that helped surpass the mind and get to the heart, and stomach, of the issues. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Regrets of the dying (and those left behind)…

• I wish I’d dared to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
• I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
• I wish I’d dared to express my feelings.
• I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
• I wish I had let myself be happier.

— Bronnie Ware (Palliative care nurse and author of Top Five Regrets of the Dying)

My father, who was the picture of health (very athletic, organic eater, minimal drinker, non-smoker) got sick at 59, and when we found out it was terminal, we were shocked. When the doctors said there was nothing to be done, he cried and so did my two uncles. One of the saddest moments I’ve ever witnessed. To watch three grown men cry together, wow. I know my Dad had regrets. I didn’t realize I would have big regrets as well. If I could go back in time, I would have more conversations with my Dad, to understand him better and connect on a deeper level. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Did you/do you feel the love?…

I just heard someone say “just because you love me doesn’t mean I feel loved by you.” 

Wow.

— Unknown 

My mother used to say “Your father and I love you kids so much.” If they loved us as much as they say they did, it was tough love, that’s for sure, Lol. Seriously though, I don’t know if it was generational, or what, but my parents were all about raising us to be independent, well-functioning, contributing members of society. Warmth and affection seemed to pretty much fall off their radar. In their defence, this is hugely common, according to my favourite therapist. Ok, fine. But it took me a loooong time to recover, to learn how to love myself properly, and to raise my expectations for a loving relationship. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Make you feel beautiful, just for being you…

I love people who make others feel seen, heard, appreciated, supported, and loved. People with gorgeous hearts, open minds & gentle energy. The rare gems who make you feel deeply understood, give you total freedom to be yourself and make you feel beautiful, just for being YOU.

— Unknown

I concur. According to my favourite therapist, the majority of us did not/do not receive this level of kindness and compassion from our family of origin. So, even more important to choose friends/life partner who provide unconditional love and support… and maybe a double check with ourselves on whether we’re providing the same? Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Little phrases with big impact on relationships…

• What do you need from me right now? I’m here.
• I’m taking space, but I promise to come back.
• I’m so sorry for____. I’ll be mindful next time. 
• Your thoughts matter to me. Tell me more. 
• I was wrong. How can I make this right?
• I’m on your side. 

— Unknown

None of my earlier relationships involved this level of communicating, empathy and collaboration. In fact, my ex recently asked my why things didn’t work out, and I said “It just didn’t feel like we were on the same side.” Fortunately, I did find my perfect match, and lovely, collaborative partner. (For me, it came down to understanding my needs, wants, must have’s and deal breakers, and holding out for that better match). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

You glow differently when you…

• Seek your own validation
• Get in touch with self-awareness
• Listen to your emotions
• Take those brave steps to heal
• Do more of the things that make you feel alive

— @h.e.l.e.n.m.a.r.i.e

I would say that about sums up the advice I’ve received from my mental health guides. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Ignoring red flags…

Ignoring the red flags because you wanna see the good in people 

will cost you later.

— Unknown

Well, I used to be the poster child of wanting the see the best in people. It seems so silly in hindsight because my relationship deal breakers are ridiculously obvious to me now. For example, my second significant partner of six years was chronically late, to the tune of like 45 minutes pretty much every time, so you’re racing to make flights and missing the beginning of the movie. I’m chronically a bit early, because I hate to stress, so this is a big disconnect. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Needed someone to take care of you?…

You like taking care of people 

because it heals the part of you that needed someone to take care of you.

— Bianca Sparacino

I’ve worked with numerous coaches now (traditional therapy, group therapy workshops, energy work, life coaching, EMDR, spiritual coaching/A Course in Miracles), and the predominant message has been to take ownership of one’s own healing and self-care. What does that look like? Well, for me, it was years of intensive therapy, along with weekend workshops that taught exceptional communication/relationship skills. Probably the most impactful new skill I learned was inviting discussion around discomfort and tension. This allows each person to share their experience and perhaps make a request, which is very non-threatening and facilitates greater understanding and compassion. Admittedly, it’s a work in progress, as I continue to struggle with certain people and scenario’s (anger, predominantly). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Being coachable and accountable…

One of the biggest paradigm shifts in my life was learning to be a full fledged adult, by being accountable for the state of my life and my choices. My spiritual/life coach (following “A Course In Miracles”) initially allowed me to carry on for quite some time about family challenges, and then she said “and you know that all of this is your stuff, right?” Mic drop. She explained that although I had been victimized in the past, it’s on me to create the life I want now. Ok. Got it. After the initial shock, I began to understand “victim mode” and how this can keep one trapped in the past, and in a somewhat helpless state. I’ve never looked back. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Maybe you overthink so much because…

* You didn’t grow up in a safe environment

* You took on adult duties way too early in life

* You were harshly judged for making mistakes

* You had to figure out everything on your own

* You were made to feel you aren’t good enough

— Unknown 

According to my favourite therapist (from his 40+ years of experience with individual and family therapy), most of us grew up feeling loved a maximum of like 4 - 6 times out of 10. In other words, even the best of parents aren’t able to meet a child’s needs much of the time. This is a surprising insight, and makes you feel a bit better about your upbringing if you suffered abuse (sniff, sniff). What I find sad is the negative impact these early experiences can have on our primary relationships. If great relationship skills were not modelled at home, where does one learn how to have healthy, intimate connections. Thankfully, my path led to intensive therapy, life coaching, energy work and relationship workshops. I can’t recommend this extra education enough. It’ll change your life in every way possible. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Hard Truths About Life…

* Everybody hurts. No one goes through this life without some kind of struggle. We are here to learn and grow, and a lot of that happens through struggle.

 * No one cares!! Whether you create the life you want or not, no one gives a shit. You have to do what you need to do for you.

* Life is not fair. You have to love yourself, and not dwell and get stuck on that. Find a way to make your circumstances work for you. Or work hard to create better circumstances.

* Everyone ages, but not everyone matures. 

* Some of our greatest lessons and best teachers are 1) failures 2) heartaches

* We pay the price for the things we don’t do to take good care of ourselves. Everything catches up with us (Not taking care of our health, not saving more money, neglecting our loved ones etc).

* No one is coming to save you. You either work to create what you want for your life, or chances are you won’t get it.

— Maria Consiglio 

I really like the line about not everyone maturing, Lol. What stands out most is the line about working hard to create better circumstances. I come from humble beginnings, and a volatile, (downright scary actually) environment. The silver lining was that I created the intention to achieve a much better life for myself. I just knew that it was possible to work hard and achieve a comfortable lifestyle financially, and I also knew that it was possible to create a loving, caring and collaborative relationship. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Power is controlling yourself…

Power is not controlling other people. Power is controlling yourself. Trying to control other people is the first sign that you are entirely out of control. Controlling others is what weak people think power looks like. 

— Unknown 

My fetal sugar syndrome comes to mind, Lol. I joke, but I kinda think there’s some truth to this. I’ve had an on again, off again relationship with sugar my entire life. I sort of blame my mother for this, because she admitted to having two chocolate bars and a pot of tea every single day, her entire pregnancy with me. Not the best diet for a growing fetus, Lol. Fortunately, my Italian father was an uber healthy guy, with a vegetable garden for a back yard (in lieu of a pool, which sucked for us kids), and ate a pretty strict Mediterranean diet. If we were with Dad and we wanted a snack, he’d stop at the corner store and tell us to pick a piece of fruit. We thought it was pretty yummy actually. If we were with Mom, we had McDonalds and chocolate bars. Anyhoo, as a grown adult, I know it’s on me to manage my health, so I keep an eye on the old sugar intake. I feel quite fortunate (and thank Dad for those Mediterranean jeans) that I have the will power to kick the sugar habit when I need to. At one point I avoided sugar for almost four years. At the moment, I allow cheat days and if/when it gets out of hand, I go cold turkey for a while again. Seems to be working pretty well. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl