What we carry…

some memories never leave your bones. like salt in the sea; they become a part of you.

— and you carry them

— Unknown 

Gentle, poetic words and a gorgeous way to ponder the past. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

All kinds of love…

If it is true that there are as many minds as there are heads, then there are as many kinds of love as there are hearts.

— Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

There is a kindness in this statement. We love who we love. Period. Having said that, my favourite therapist guided me firmly toward self love, which is the most important love of all. It took me a while, but I finally understood the importance of “having my own back.” As my therapist/seminar leader teaches, we cannot love someone enough to make up for any lack of love they may have for us. Sometimes we need to walk away and love that person from a distance. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

This is no longer serving me…

It is so empowering to say “This isn’t serving me,” and walk away in peace.

— Unknown

From “The Great Reshuffle” to the work from home debate/challenge, we as a society are speaking up, aren’t we? We’re also able to be heard via online ratings and social media. Maybe it’s A-ok to debate some of the old duties and obligations as well. Anxiety and stress are at an all time high and we probably owe ourselves a little extra TLC. I know I need it. Big time. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Most common regrets in life…

1. Too much time spent worrying

2. Not showing real feelings to loved ones

3. Caring too much about what others think  

4. Not following one’s passion 

5. Not living fully in the present and enjoying the amazing moments

6. Not enough travel

7. Not daring to take risks

8. Too little quality time with loved ones.

— Unknown

So many people are struggling with being present these days. There are a gazillion distractions, particularly with the never ending, 24/7 news cycle. We could be on our phones sun up to sun down and never be up to date on what’s happening. Personally, I’m trying to find new ways to unplug. For example, my sweetheart and I are away for the weekend and enjoying meandering, trying different restaurants, poking around in unfamiliar stores and enjoying movies in our hotel bed at the end of the day. All new activities and we’re feeling grateful to be away from from the usual, draining stressors. So! We’re realizing that getting out of town for us is a much needed mental health break that allows us to enjoy ourselves, each other and life more fully. Stay-cations, although cost effective, don’t seem to offer quite the same freedom, given the chores, bills and errand’y things staring at us. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

How to unplug…

Offline is the new luxury.

— Unknown

The “Ontario Government Grants Workers Right to Disconnect”, prioritizing workers’ mental health, along with a healthier work/life balance. Says it all, doesn’t it? WFH/virtual access/the convenience of devices have their advantages, but good luck turning it off. I don’t know about you, but work pays for my phone, which I am so grateful for. Problem is, on evenings, weekends, vacations, the old work phone is kind of a ball and chain. I must learn to ignore work emails while taking those much needed breaks. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Try again…

Affleck told WSJ. Magazine in December about feeling “lucky” to have been given second chances, both in his work and personal life. 

“I’ve had second chances in my career. I’ve had second chances as a human being. Life is difficult, and we are always failing and hopefully learning from those failures.” He said. “The one thing you really need to avail yourself of the opportunities provided from that growth is the second chance. I’ve definitely tried to take advantage of that. I haven’t always been successful, but in cases in which I have, they’ve turned out to be the defining aspects of my life.”

— Ben Affleck 

I’ve needed second chances in both love and career as well. In love, my second (or third really, Lol) chance allowed me to find my perfect match; lots in common, willing to talk about issues and  peacefully/lovingly/respectfully resolve them, equally in like and in love with one another. In career, I realized that being a good employee isn’t enough. Learning to become indispensable, by over-delivering on a consistent basis, has provided the financial security and stability that I’ve always wanted and needed. The unexpected and surprising gifts have been a renewed sense of pride and self esteem. It’s pretty cool actually. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

“To-don’t” lists…

I’ve always thought of guilt as a type of shame attached to stories we tell ourselves, that we’re not doing enough…

But I now see guilt as tied to unhealthy expectations—being overly optimistic about what we “should” accomplish in a day, week, or even on a summer holiday. Part of the problem stems from a culture of “to-do” lists… It’s no wonder we feel constantly agitated about what we didn’t do. The to-do list culture is setting us up for guilt…

The key to breaking the zapping cycle of guilt is to reset expectations, especially the ones that are forced upon us. 

—Rachel Botsman (Author, celebrated TED talk speaker, creator of Oxford University’s first course on trust in the digital world at the Said Business School)  

My favourite therapist has a similar philosophy. He believes, based on 40 years of private practice, in challenging our notions of duty and obligation. I’ve taken his advice to heart and I’m the happier and less stressed for it. For me, certain family obligations had to give because they were making me feel bad. I could see no hope of improvement in the scenario, after far too many years of trying, so I gave myself permission to back away. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Instead of looking at your phone…

Instead of looking at your phone you should make some art, kiss someone, read a book, cut up old magazines, see a friend, wake up for the sunrise, write down your dreams, swim in the ocean, make coffee, do something you’re bad at or tell someone you love them.

— Unknown

I don’t know about you, but I’m finding it’s a very fine line with the phone thing. On the one hand, it’s amazing to have so much at your finger tips. You can work from pretty much anywhere and you know you’re not missing anything important. It’s the shutting “it” off thing that’s the problem. Even on evenings and weekends the fight or flight feeling kicks in and you wonder if you’re missing anything important? A recent article suggested that putting the phone in another room during “off” hours can help calm our nervous system. I’m gonna try it. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

It’s not frivolous to worry about our own happiness…

These days, many people are feeling overwhelmed, drained, and worried. And given everything that’s happening, it can feel frivolous to worry about our own happiness. 

However, research shows that people who are happier are more interested in helping other people, and more interesting in taking action in the world…

One important element of happiness can be a feeling of lightness, of fun, of levity.

Levity can include rest, calm, and activities that help us feel recharged. Making time for levity doesn’t mean we’re ignoring serious issues, or neglecting our responsibilities; it allows us to gain energy and focus…

By making time to recharge when we can, we help build the resilience we need to weather crises and manage periods of uncertainty more effectively. 

— Gretchen Rubin (Yale graduate, author, blogger and speaker. Bestselling writer about habits and happiness. Notable works are The Happiness Project, Better Than Before and The Four Tendencies). 

I don’t know about you, but I find comfort in hearing how others are doing right now… because I have been feeling hugely overwhelmed, drained and worried. And  realize I need to bring more fun, joy and levity to my life. This feels critical actually. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and wishing you more joy in your life. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Men deserve to be spoiled too…

Men, too, deserve to be spoiled, told they are handsome, told their efforts are appreciated and should also be made to feel secure. 

If he treats you like a queen, treat him like a king.

— Unknown

I met an interesting woman at a cocktail party a while back. A group of us were talking about what we do for a living and the woman told us she offers courses, and one-one-one coaching, on dating and relating. We said, “Interesting. What does that entail?” She explained that men and women tend to misunderstand one another and she helps bridge the gap. I ended up taking her weekend course and learned how to be a part of the solution in my relationships. I tested some of her tips, and voila. For example, when I really want something, I may say “You know what would be great honey? I would love to have a date night this week, maybe dinner and a movie on Friday night? Or I might say, “I’m thinking I’d love to go to away for my birthday. I’ve been dreaming of a California weekend, away from the rain?” I think pretty much every time, my honey has granted these hints/requests. I also learned that men are kinda short on appreciation, so I remember to be openly grateful and make sure he knows he’s my hero. Easy peasy. This little course has been a game changer. (Kim Sarasin is the dating and relating expert I worked with. I’m sure there must be others out there). Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings

Chatgirl

Never too old…

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.

— C.S Lewis  

I’ve been pursuing an entrepreneurial dream for a loooong time now and age is very much on my mind. I thought I’d be more “successful” at this point. Having said that, I’m very clear on what I’m after. I enjoy the pursuit and accomplishment of goals, but I need more freedom and flexibility in how I work. Companies tend to clip wings and it can feel pretty claustrophobic. So I’m after a laptop lifestyle that allows for innovation, creativity, and fulfillment. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Always believe in yourself…

A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch but on it’s own wings.

Always believe in yourself.

— Unknown 

Always believe in yourself. Simple, calming words to live by. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The body doesn’t lie…

Gut feelings are your guardian angels sending you messages.

— Unknown

I’ve been learning to trust my gut instinct more and more. When I was younger, I’d feel something instinctively, but my brain would decide it made no sense, and I’d disregard. I began to take stalk after the fact and realized my gut was actually right. I finally realized I didn’t have enough information in the moment for my brain to get on board. I now tell my brain to assume we don’t have all the info and that we’re gonna trust that gut feeling. My favourite therapist says another trick is to observe what we feel in our body. If there’s anxiety, our body is telling us something’s off. He says the body does not lie. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“We might just have to validate our own damn self”…

If you’re anything like me, you need God, the Universe or Life (whatever you prefer to call it) to give you a cement wall - else you’ll run right through it. Even as I reflect on the events of the past two months, I see clearly the many ‘warnings’ to slow down I had been receiving for some time. 

The way I see it, you can make the choice to slow down or life will do it for you in all sorts of unpleasant and unpredictable ways. 

There’s so much fear that exists behind the guise of productivity, ‘doing’ and incessant activity. You can slice it a million different ways; fear of losing love, fear of not having enough, fear of not being able to provide, fear of confronting ourselves and our thoughts. But ultimately, it all comes back to the fear of not being enough. If we lose all the many forms of external validation, we just might have to validate our own damn self.

I am settling into this slower pace. I’m learning how to drop the ball because usually, I don’t want to be juggling that many anyway. 

— Katie Wallace (Writer for socially conscious leaders and companies/Guide @ The Dying Project/Mindful Muse Newsletter) 

This is so timely for me. I’m Type A and find it hard to unplug properly. Even when I’m “relaxing,” my brain/subconscious seems to continue problem solving in the background. I do have mental health practices that help a lot and I work with a coach/energy specialist, and yet I still, at times, cross my own health boundaries. So I recently ended up sick (not Covid, just a virus/strepp thing) and missed some very important events. I had been under the weather a few days earlier, and didn’t rest up and recharge. My bad. My resolution is to work smarter, not harder and find a way to properly rest. Interestingly enough, I’ve also come to the same conclusion about validating myself. I grew up shy on praise and I’ve been far too attached to external validation in my adult years (just love that atta girl at work, and it usually comes with cash!). Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

“Trauma comes back as a reaction”…

Trauma comes back as a reaction, not a memory.

— Bessel Van Der Kolk (Psychiatrist, author, researcher, professor of Psychiatry at Boston University School of Medicine and president of the Trauma Research Foundation in Brookline, Massachusetts. Since the 1970’s his research has been in the area of post-traumatic stress. He is the author of New York Times best seller, The Body Keeps Score). 

Well that explains reactionary behaviour and the intensity of some of our “triggers.” My favourite therapist says that working with a professional can assist in creating space around these triggers, giving us time to feel, think and respond in a kinder, healthier way. He also says that although some things are our legacy and cannot be changed, there is a path to healthier relationships, if we’re willing to dig a little deeper. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

What a person needs…

Sometimes what a person needs is not a brilliant mind that speaks, but a patient heart that listens.

— Unknown 

Great reminder. I know this, and yet I still find myself throwing out solutions, rather than listening sometimes. For example, my partner talks about various issues with his two teenage boys, and I’ve made the problem solving mistake more than once. Fortunately, he will very kindly remind me that what he could really use is a kind and supportive ear. Duly noted honey bunch! Just sayin’ : ) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

One day you’ll wake up and realize…

My Mom once said to me, I can tell you over and over to leave the situation, but you won’t until you are ready. One day you will wake up and realize that this isn’t what you want to feel like anymore and you’ll be done. And I think it’s important that everyone hears this.

— Unknown 

I can relate. A savvy coach called out my pattern of ending up with (or unknowingly choosing) domineering partners, similar to my father (Sorry Dad. You had lots of great qualities too!). Believe it or not, it happened one more time! But the awareness finally stuck and allowed me to identify key deal breakers, such as controlling tendencies, anger issues, lack of relationship teamwork. I ran into my ex not long ago actually and he asked me why, in truth, I left the relationship. I told him I’d thought a lot about this and felt we just weren’t on the same side. The best analogy I could come up with is that our marriage was like playing singles tennis across from one another, rather than playing doubles together vs the other team (outside world). I feel very fortunate to have learned this lesson. I’ve found my perfect partner and what a better quality of life it is, to have each other’s support and to take good care of each other. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck! XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

From refugee to award winning poet…

Do you ever want to run away and start over? Wipe the slate clean. Begin all over again with a blank canvas? It’s okay, we all feel that way sometimes. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your life or the people in it. It doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t give your last breath to see them happy. Sometimes when we yearn to be selfish, it means we have been selfless for too long.

— Lang Leav (International bestselling New Zealand novelist and poet. She is the author of Lullabies which won the Goodreads Choice Award for Best Poetry in 2014. Leav, attended the College of Fine Arts in Sydney, against the wishes of her refugee community (she was born at a refugee camp in Thailand where her parents were seeking refuge from the Khmer Rouge regime in Cambodia. She was then raised in a refugee town in Cabramatta, Sydney), but she persisted and was granted a Churchill Fellowship Award based on her undergraduate thesis in college titled “Cosplaying Lolita.” Leav amassed a large following after posting her poetry on Tumblr. She then self-published her first collection of poetry and prose titled Love and Misadventure. The book was a surprise hit and caught the attention of literary agents in New York. Newsweek credits Leav for popularizing poetry)

Wow, now that’s what I call an inspiring story. It goes to show, where there is passion and a strong will, there’s no telling what a person can achieve. Clearly Leav is a special talent, but still, being raise in a refugee camp would seem to present insurmountable obstacles to “success.” I wonder what we could each achieve with her kind of determination and belief. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl