We need solitude…

The Power of Solitude

Technology has profoundly changed our relationships with other people, with time, with how we live our lives. Yet, the biggest impact has been in our relationship with ourselves which transcends all other relationships. 

Being with ourselves is not enough. We see ourselves as a void to be filled - with entertainment, information or with possessions. We think being alone is the same as loneliness… Artists, musicians, leaders and everyday people throughout history have embraced solitude, stillness and quiet as both a way of replenishing their souls and feeding their creative inspiration… Genius inventor Nikola Tesla made his discovery of the rotating magnetic field on a walk by himself through a park in Budapest. When he lived in Paris, American writer Ernest Hemingway took long walks along the river to inspire his writing. Solitary walks were also part of the daily schedules for Charles Darwin, Steve Jobs, Martin Luther King Jr., Walt Whitman and Ludwig van Beethoven. Bill Gates has twice a year taken what he calls “think week” where he spends seven days alone in a cabin in the forest. During that time, he reads and thinks.

So how do we deal with the problem of information overload, Mike Erwin asks in his article Harvard Business Review: “There is no silver bullet to solving the complex problems ushered in by the information age. But there are some places to start, and one of them is counterintuitive - solitude. Having the discipline to step back from the noise of the world is essential to staying focused. This is even more important in a highly politicized society that constantly incites our emotions, causing the cognitive effects of distractions to linger. We need solitude, a state of mind, a space in which to focus one’s own thoughts without distraction — and where the mind can work through a problem on its own.”

— Excerpt from Ray Williams book Know Myself and Neither do You (Teacher, Author, CEO, HR Executive, Management Consultant, Executive Coach, and Director of numerous private/public sector boards. Williams focuses on the principles and behaviours of good leaders, and positive workplace culture. He has written four books and more than 300 articles. Williams is known as one of Canada’s top CEO coaches). 

This is good to hear because the older I get, the more down time I seem to need. Even social time seems fraught with competing, emotionally charged opinions. (An emotionally charged reaction led Will Smith to charge the stage, slap and then cuss out Chris Rock, at the fricking Oscars!). More than two years of pandemic living, climate change concerns, economic stress/fall out, let alone the typical relationship/family/work stressors and you’ve got a mountain of built up frustration. So! Time alone to decompress is potentially a much needed lifeline. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Creating our own luck…

Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity 

— attributed to Lucius Antaeus Seneca (Roman philosopher)

In January 2003, Richard Wiseman, a psychologist at the University of Hertfordshire, wrote about his 10 year study of luck. During that time, he studied and interviewed 400 volunteers, who told him why they felt like they were lucky or unlucky. Wiseman was able to pick up on trends among the two general groups, and he concluded that luck is mostly an effect of one’s outlook… In short, lucky people were lucky because they were more relaxed and open to new possibilities. By contrast, unlucky people were focused on one type of outcome… Wiseman pointed to action in his findings, because he concluded that there were our principles guiding luck:

1. The skill to create and notice chance opportunities.

2. The tendency to make decisions based on intuition.

3. Setting positive expectations.

4. Resiliency, or having the attitude that allows one to turn bad fortune into good fortune. 

The first two principles are based on action. 

To test his theory, wiseman had a group of unlucky and lucky people participate in a “luck School.” For a month, they had to put these four principles to work and report on their progress. To Wiseman’s amazement, 80% of the participants noted a marked improvement in their luck.

— Shmaltz and Menudo (Wordpress, March 17 2019) 

Okay, so with a shift in mindset and a bit of extra effort, we can improve on our luck. I like it. Just sayin’ :) Hugs, and good luck! XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

We aren’t promised anything…

It’s uncomfortable, but better to accept that:

* Relationships end.

* Working hard doesn’t guarantee success.

* Some people won’t want to understand us.

* We aren’t promised anything.

* Failure always makes a reappearance. 

* People aren’t required to support us or respect our boundaries.

— Tess Rene (Certified Master Therapeutic Coach, and developmental psychology researcher. Rene speaks from personal experience, having lived in foster care from the age of 15. Her family could not function well enough to care for her, and this led to her finishing grade 12 in a farm-house rental once she aged out of the “system”).

Wow. This woman is truly self made. She had to overcome MUCH and still managed to succeed in her career and help others in the process. I’m inspired. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The most important skill of this century…

Being successful is not about being smart or naturally gifted. Research shows our IQ accounts for just 20% of “success” in life. 

Instead, success—however you define it—is achieved by being consistent in the pursuit of your goals. 

It comes down to the small things, like daily routines, key behaviours, and (perhaps more importantly) managing distraction.

This has always been true, but it’s especially true today, in an age when pervasive, habit-forming technology has made succumbing to distraction so easy.

— Nir Eyal (Former Stanford Lecturer and bestselling author of Hooked: How to Build Habit-Forming Products and Indistractible: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life).

My brain just grabbed ahold of IQ accounting for only 20% of success in life. I find that motivating because, although I managed pretty decent grades in school/college and solid performance at work, I am no brain surgeon, Lol. I always envied my brother’s photographic memory. He could read his text book the night before an exam and score an A. I would keep up with my homework, rewrite and review my notes and generally score a B or B+‘ish result. (I’d get A’s in gym, music and math, because my Dad was a math teacher, but lots of B’s otherwise). So, good to know that we can potentially make up a lot of ground through goal setting, focus, effort and determination. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Plant the seeds…

Never let it be said that to dream is a waste of one’s time, for dreams are our realities in waiting. 

In dreams, we plant the seeds of our future.

— Unknown 

I’m chasing a very big dream as we speak. I’ve been chasing this vision for a long time now actually and I love fantasizing about this glorious future. My struggle tends to be in the how. How, precisely, do I get there and how do I cope with the inevitable road blocks and dead ends? And there have been many :/ Personally, I lean on a spiritual/philosophical approach, such as Eckhart Tolle’s advice: “Do not resist.” I’m not gonna lie though. I am guilty of the odd sulkfest, where some snark slips into a sweet weekend with my perfect, handsome mate. But I will catch myself, apologize and gear up for another week of rising to the occasion. I’ve also managed to quash the S’monday blues lately. Yay for that. Just sayin’ ; ) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The right match…

With the right person, you don’t have to work so hard to be happy.

It just happens.

— Unknown

I wish I could give my younger self the following advice; don’t mistake infatuation for love (because although attraction is a key ingredient, there are other critical factors), take a close look at common ground (because if you don’t like to do the same things, you may end up going in different directions), consider learning new communication/relationship skills (because this will enable you to openly discuss/share/pivot when faced with the inevitable obstacles), ask yourself if you truly like/respect/want to protect and care for this person (beyond the attraction/chemistry, because you won’t always agree and you’ll need to make compromises for that person). These are the broad strokes for me. Once I had my list/framework for the life I wanted to life with my perfect match, he materialized, and I was prepared. We work very well together and it’s quite easy to address and overcome issues. Actually, I would say overcoming issues tends to deepen our bond and build even greater trust and love. Just sayin’ :) Good Luck! Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Inner turmoil…

My heart wants roots. 

My mind wants wings. 

I cannot bear their bickerings.

— E.Y. Harburg (American popular song lyricist and librettist who worked with many well-known composers. He wrote all of the songs for The Wizard of Oz, including “Over the Rainbow,” which earned him an Oscar for Best Music, Best Song. Over the Rainbow was rated Number One by American Film Institute’s list of 100 greatest film songs. Harburg was inducted into the Songwriters Hall of Fame in 1944. He also championed racial and gender equality and union politics, and was an ardent critic of religion).

My favourite therapist believes we have a few dominant and competing inner voices; our ever present “Inner Child” who wants to have fun and love and friendship, our “Ego” who wants bigger, better, more, our “Spirit” who cares about the greater good and finally our “Adult” who has to manage these competing thoughts/feelings/goals/desires. I’ve noticed that Spirit and Inner Child often temper my critical, oft angry Ego, who has zero tolerance for imperfection and anything or anyone getting in the way of some very lofty goals, Lol. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs.XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

You’re a survivor…

You’re not a victim for sharing your story. You are a survivor setting the world on fire with your truth. And you never know who needs your light, your warmth, and raging courage. 

— Alex Elle (Author of 6 books, facilitator, coach. Writing came into Elle’s life by way of therapy and the exploration of healing through journaling and mindfulness. Her goal is to support people in finding their voices and standing close to their truths without guilt and shame, which her therapist taught her to do). 

A bright spot over the past two years has been the willingness of people (even coffee shop acquaintances and neighbours) to share their fears, concerns, personal challenges. The sense of connection and community has been a lifeline. For me anyway. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Survival guide…

One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else’s survival guide.

— Brene Brown

My heart goes out to all who have struggled mightily through this pandemic. I know we’ve all suffered. Some have taken unimaginable hits and I can empathize, having endured the 2008 financial crisis. It took years and years to bottom out and then years and years to recover. There was a silver lining; I learned how to enjoy life without spending money and once in a good job again, I committed to being indispensable. This led to my highest earning years ever and much greater satisfaction and fulfillment. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Conflicted contradictions…

I’m a paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad. I’m lazy, yet I’m ambitious. I don’t like myself, but I also love who I am. I say I don’t care, but I really do. I crave attention, but reject it when it comes my way. I’m a conflicted contradiction. If I can’t figure myself out, there’s no way anyone else can.

— Unknown

Ah, the ramblings and trappings of the mind. I find some of my crazy thoughts absolutely perplexing. Fortunately, I know better than to take the word of those unwieldy musings. Having said that, I do grapple with the lazy/ambitious paradox and the loving/rejecting attention paradox. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Making true connection possible…

The illusion that everything will just turn out magically without having to communicate; thoughts, feelings, and needs in a relationship is an immaturity that will make true connection impossible.

— Unknown

I learned this lesson the hard way. I would say that I mostly went quiet and sulked in my past relationships. I lacked the skills to “address” issues that came up. I couldn’t even necessarily pin point what I was upset about. I also didn’t understand that I could talk about what had happened, how I felt about it and I didn’t realize that I could make requests for change. Having said that, I was not with the ideal partner either. I’m fairly certain that even with my shiny new skills, irreconcilable differences would have doomed my previous relationships. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Good news for humanity…

Devastating loss of life and growing uncertainty have the world very much on edge, but there is a bit of good news for humanity: Benevolence is surging globally. 

That’s one of the key findings of the World Happiness Report, a publication of the UN Sustainable Network that draws on global survey data from people in about 150 countries… “The big surprise was that globally, in an uncoordinated way, there have been very large increases in all the three forms of benevolence that are asked about in the Gallup World Poll”…

Donating to charity, helping a stranger and volunteering are all up, “especially the help to strangers in 2021, relative to either before the panademic or 2020, by a very large amount in all regions of the world… the global average of the three measures jumped by about 25% in 2021 compared with pre-pandemic levels, the report says.

— Marnie Hunter, CNN March 18 2022

Just what the doctor ordered - some sunny news for a pre-spring Friday! Happy weekend everyone. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

One life has breathed easier…

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of the intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the beauty in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that one life has breathed easier because you lived here. This is to have succeeded.

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

Is it just me, or is there something very kind, compassionate and empathetic about this philosophy. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Patience tested…

I had my patience tested. 

I’m negative.

— Unknown

Ha ha ha! OMG, this is sooo me. Well, it’s funny and it’s also not funny because my lack of patience has certainly shot me in the foot at times. In my defence, two years of Covid pandemic and I feel that we’ve all lost a lot of patience. Am I right? I mean, just look at the multitude of adult tantrums, Lol. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

It’s not about perfect…

It’s not about perfect. It’s about effort. 

And when you bring that effort every single day. That’s where transformation happens. 

That’s how change occurs.  

— positivelifetips.com 

I’ve had to work on my perfectionism for sure. What I’ve realized is that refinements and improvements tend to happen over time, through trial and error. Just sayin’ :) 

Blessings, 

Chatgirl

“The Power of Onlyness”…

In her book The Power of Onlyness, Nilofer Merchant describes how each of us stands in a spot in the world where only each of us stand in, a function of our history and experience, visions and hopes. Onlyness is talking about how the distinct points of views and perspectives we each have allow us to add value in the world.

For example, early in my career, I’ve been guilty of assuming that a former colleague was aloof at work - it turns out that he was a single parent with three kids, working two jobs and a mortgage to deal with. Or  there was that time that I stereotyped millennial co-workers of being entitled because they are quick to ask for promotions and raises - I later learned that the Millennial generation has more debt than any generation that came before them coming out of college and they just need the money to keep going, to cover living expenses.

When we meet people in their onlyness, that spot in the world where they stand, we don’t see them as someone aloof or a millennial, you see them as Joey, Mara - we find the common space. Once we find the common space, the psychology of attraction kicks in, and when it does, we find a commonality between us and this leads to liking, establishing authentic relationships. 

— Dux Raymond Sy (Chief Brand Officer, AvePoint and Microsoft MVP and Regional Director) 

I like this idea of “onlyness”. I am making a very strong mental note, so that when I feel the urge to compare myself to others (and feel I should be more successful or further ahead financially, which inevitably takes the wind out of my sales and demands considerable energy to pick myself back up and resume striving toward my hopes and dreams again) I remember to stay the course, my course. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Positive intent…

Assume the best intent in others around you. You will often be right, and even when you’re not, people can rise to your view of them. Not always, but enough to be worth it.

— Sally Krawcheck 

I would consider myself a compassionate, empathetic and very positive person, and yet I also notice how quickly I can jump to judgment. I was sitting in a coffee shop early one Sunday morning many years ago, staring at the water, daydreaming, enjoying my coffee in sweet solitude. There was literally no one else in the cafe, aside from two barista’s, who were chatting far away in the background. Then, enter a sort of older couple with a young child, approximately 4 years old. This group’s goings on quickly shattered my peaceful thoughts, and to top it all off they sat right smack beside me at the window bar area. I was actually devastated because I desperately needed this time to myself, to decompress ahead of a demanding work week. Out of my peripheral vision I could see the little girl spilling her granola/yogurt breakfast all over the counter and leaving a multitude of muffin crumbs all over the floor by her feet and mine as well. Grrrr. Now, I am admittedly a neat freak/bordering on OCD person, so this too killed my serene Sunday morning. The couple was also a bit rumpled with messy hair, untidy clothing and there was a noticeable accent. Well, my ego was having hay day with these people, judging them all up and down. Then something completely unexpected happened. The woman apologized for the disarray they were causing around me and she proceeded to share a bit of information about them and their grand daughter. This lady, her husband and the child turned out to be quite sweet. The woman was a psychologist who was writing a very interesting book (and I am a HUGE fan of psychology and exploring human nature). As they were leaving she ended up telling me that they thought I was super lovely and I silently scolded myself for the rest of the day. I vowed never to snap judge anyone again. Or at least remind myself when I do and adjust my thoughts accordingly. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Been sacrificing for too long…

47 million Americans quit their jobs in 2021

“More and more Americans are realizing that voluntarily leaving your job today isn’t always just about securing a better lifestyle; it’s also about the redefinition of self… even though the coronavirus pandemic upended people’s lives and changed their priorities, the idea that an individual’s worth is tied to their productivity remains deeply ingrained in many of us… Being a ‘good employee’ in the U.S. has traditionally meant being highly engaged and sometimes working much more than 40 hours a week, according to Ellen Ernst Kossek, a social scientist who studies work-life boundaries. But our new normal, she told me, made overworked Americans ‘wonder what they were getting for all of that.’ They also discovered that hours consumed by laboring and commuting robbed them of important parts of life, such as being with family… ‘But the pandemic was saying, You can do other things. You can do things differently… As Americans discern that their job title isn’t the most central part of their identity, Kossek said, ‘smart employers will realize they need to give more space to employees to develop other parts of themselves, and develop other parts of their lives that they’ve been sacrificing for so long… The people who have found new fulfillment outside their career remind us that tectonic change in American society begins with individuals realigning their life to reflect their deepest values.”

— Excerpt from What You Find When You Leave Your Job, The Atlantic (Maggie Martens, writer in Seattle) 

I am taking note. I am one of those “good employees” who is overly engaged, overly connected to work, striving to over-deliver for my company, my boss, my boss’s boss, myself. But I know I need to re-think this. Am I over-delivering for myself, in the right way, with the right outcome? I am with a lot of other people, after two years of working through the ever shifting landscape of the pandemic, in wondering about the return on investment for my time, effort, emotion and energy. These resources are finite and therefore sacrifices are required. With the cost of living skyrocketing and companies seemingly wanting even more from us, with nominal yearly pay raises (and potentially fewer perks/bonus as well), there is much to think about. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Sometimes it’s okay to do nothing…

Life is all about balance. 

You don’t always need to be getting stuff done. 

Sometimes it’s perfectly okay, and absolutely necessary to shut down, kick back, and do nothing.

— Lori Deschene, Founder and director of TinyBuddha.com (Deschene spent more than a decade struggling with bulimia, depression, and self-loathing resulting from childhood trauma and bullying. After extensive treatment and an empowering perspective change, she began to focus on what she could do to improve her life. She began volunteering at a local yoga studio in exchange for free classes, which gave her sense of purpose and connection and helped her find peace. She then decided to begin using her former pain to help others. She felt that a website with this mission would help readers feel less alone with their challenges and more empowered to overcome them). 

For me, a positive take away from this very challenging pandemic, is a deeper sense of community, sharing, openness. We’re all going through this together and this has created at least some sense of common ground. It’s felt weird and hard to be kept away from one another. I don’t know about you, but I’ve had moments of euphoria just sitting next to others at the coffee shop or in a restaurant. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

A little communication goes a long way…

A little communication goes such a long way.

If you’re busy, say it. If you’re upset, express it. 

If you’re running late, let people know.

If you don’t want to do something, be straight forward.

If you’re unsure, ask.

It’s so simple but so important.

— TheMindsJournal

My relationships improved exponentially when I learned to be honest and direct. This didn’t come naturally, I’m afraid. I learned about “addressing” issues and concerns head on with people in a weekend workshop (and I’m still learning). The instructor gave us no choice but to practice “clearing” with others. Originally, I was pretty fearful and resisted approaching anyone I felt uncomfortable with (I thought there’d be yucky backlash, because this is what I experienced growing up). Interestingly enough, those same people had the courage to approach me. These little air-clearing discussions were so compassionate and empathetic that I could see a different way (as opposed to avoiding and letting tensions build). I realized there’s a way of talking to people that invites sharing, understanding and a deepening of connection. I’ve never looked back. Just sayin’ ; ) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“Stolen Focus: Why You Can’t Pay Attention”…

Johann Hari’s latest book, Stolen Focus: Why You Can’t Pay Attention—and How to Think Deeply Again, explains how our attention is being continuously degraded. Hari identifies 12 causes, only two of which relate to technology…

One big threat to our brains is our constant attempts to multitask… We can appear to multitask, but each time we switch our focus from one to another task, we need to re-focus, backtrack and correct errors. This causes a 10-point drop in our IQ - the same as we would have if we were stoned on cannabis.

Recent research shows that switching, switching, switching as we now do all day has a huge cost. The average office worker is interrupted about every 3 minutes. The average North American spends 40% of their work time “multitasking” and spends over 3 hours per day on their cell phones. They touch their cell phones an average of 2,617 times every 24 hours. 

Most office workers never have an uninterrupted hour at work. 

— eileenpease.com, Dynamic Learning 

I remember when I got my first smart phone (a Blackberry) at work, and it was very quickly called the “crackberry.” Not much has changed. Now it’s emails, text messages, photo’s, social media, the news, video’s, movies. There is seemingly no end to the fascination of our phones. I actually began to find to constant buzzing and dinging stressful, so I’ve silenced my phone unless I’m waiting for an urgent call or message. I’ve also turned most notifications off and I only surf my favourite sites when I have much needed downtime or time to kill. Actually, I was in Hawaii recently and chose to leave my phone in my room two days straight, while I was hanging out at the pool. You end up noticing what’s happening around you, chatting with people, day dreaming. I have to say, it was very relaxing and freeing. I’ve decided I need to spend a bit more time without the seeming urgency of what’s happening on my phone, Lol. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

  

Get started and learn as you go…

Don’t worry too much about how you are going to get it all done. Get started, learn as you go, and it will all come to you.

Action creates momentum, and momentum energizes you to keep going.

— avertsu.com

I have typically struggled with performance anxiety, whether it’s a musical concert (I played an instrument and sang in high school and college), giving speeches/presentations (at work mostly), or delivering on important goals. I’m pretty sure perfectionism is partly to blame and I’ve had to address the issue because I’m on a mission, Lol. For many years I’ve been in hot pursuit of an entrepreneurial vision, which has me flying by the seat of my pants much of the time. I simply lack the experience and expertise I need in certain scenarios. But so far, so good. I’ve kinda gotten used to not knowing what I’m doing and doing it anyway, ha ha. I’m still working on it, so we’ll see. But there’s one thing I can count on and that is my undying persistence, perseverance and discipline. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Sense of belonging…

I was no longer needing to be special, because I was no longer so caught in my puny separateness that had to keep proving I was something. I was part of the universe, like a tree is, or like grass is, or like water is.

— Ram Dass (Born in Boston, with a PhD from Stanford, Ram Dass was a spiritual teacher, guru of modern yoga, psychologist and author. His best selling book Be Here Now, described as seminal by multiple reviewers, helped popularize Eastern spirituality and yoga in the West. Ram Dass founded the Hanuman Foundation in ‘74, which strived to improve the spiritual well-being of society through education, media and community service programs. He gave all of his book royalties and profits from teaching to this foundation, and other charitable causes. The estimated amount of earnings he donated annually ranged from $100,000 - 800,000). 

What strikes me is the compelling and beautiful connection between giving selflessly and the sense of belonging. Having said that, clearly Ram Dass means that simply being on this earth means we belong. Just sayin’ : ) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Mutually supportive alliances…

Comedian Fred Allen observed, “It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.” That’s an unromantic thing to say, isn’t it? Or maybe it isn’t. Maybe it’s very romantic, even enchanting, to exult in how our allies help us make our dreams come true—and how we help them make their dreams come true.

— Rob Brezsny

Coming up on the pandemic lock down two year anniversary, I absolutely know that my friends and cherished loved ones got me through. Even connections with my coffee shop acquaintances seemed to deepen. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Bow to the inevitable…

I not only bow to the inevitable. 

I am fortified by it.

— Thornton Wilder (American playwrite and novelist. He won 3 Pulitzer Prizes — for the novel The Bridge of San Luis Rey and for the plays Our Town and The Skin of Our Teeth — and a US National Book Award for his novel The Eighth Day. Wilder also rose to the rank of lieutenant colonel in the U.S. Army Air Force Intelligence during WW2, went on to teach at Harvard University, received the Peace Prize of the German Book Trade and won the Presidential Medal of Freedom on 1963). 

Words to live by. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Feel it and heal it…

Only you can heal you.

This is your pain.

Feel it and heal it.

— Unknown

I remember when I first learned about “victim mentality” and the limitations of this mindset. My brand new (second!) marriage was already troubled, and my partner and I knew we needed help. We actually worked with two different professionals; a traditional couples therapist and a more spiritual, life coach. The traditional therapist taught us some very useful skills such as division of labour, to minimize arguments around who cooks and who takes out the garbage etc. The more spiritual coach wanted to meet us one on one and went deeper into what we each brought, or didn’t bring to the table. The idea is, you’re either part of the solution, or you’re part of the problem. Spiritual coach got me talking, and listened patiently and compassionately to my grievances about the relationship and my childhood and present family troubles. Once I summarized my pain points, she said “And you know this is all your stuff, right.” Boom! I thought, “Say whaaa? Didn’t you just hear me. All these bad things have happened to me and they aren’t my fault. And they make me sad and upset.” But she went on to explain that although bad things have happened that weren’t my fault, this is now my bag and I need to deal with it, as a grown up adult. No one is coming to magically solve this old stuff and it’s on me. I’m not gonna lie, this was the biggest paradigm shift of my life. It took a while, but I eventually got it. Once I was able to own all of the old hurts, the pain, the disappointments, the Achilles heal as it were, my life began to transform. All of this “work” did not save my marriage, but it did set me up for success in life. I met the love of my life and I also found my dream job. I’m making more money than I ever imagined I would… and I’m not done yet. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl