What is it about romance that we can become so fixated? Unless we're in a relationship, our top priority in life often seems to be a love interest, a fun flirtation or at least some form of sexy attention. Is this totally normal and healthy, or is there something compulsive and cautionary about that?
Well, certainly there can't be anything wrong with wanting fun and exciting company with someone special or sexy and fun. After all, it is, according to all sources, a basic, primitive need to have company, companionship and a sense of community. Studies have shown that animal babies can actually die of loneliness if they're left completely on their own. Babies even do better with a ticking alarm clock covered in a blanket next to them, rather than nothing at all. So, clearly, we do need one another out there in the world. But what about needing someone, anyone, at any cost. I think all of us have spent time with people who were't quite right, but that was better than nothing at all. Also, if we wait it out for Mr or Mrs Right, an almost Mr or Mrs Right can start to look pretty good after a time of zero romance or attraction. It seems to take quite a bit of discipline and commitment to self and one's truth to find the one who is truly our ideal partner. For those of us just looking for fun and friendship etc, hey, what the heck, have at 'er. To each his own, most certainly. What I'm speaking about is searching for a life partner and relationship of quality, depth, substance, real compatibility and staying power. This is when "settling" ends up costing in the end. So, how do we go about achieving a worthwhile and lasting connection? Well, it seems that we need to understand ourselves pretty darn well first and this may be easier said than done. We could probably all benefit from some form of deeper exploration into our critical wants/needs/values. Some of us may be able to determine all of this on our own, but I bet a lot of us could benefit from some form of relationship advice and/or personal growth. That way, when we find the one we want to commit to fully, we won't mess it up. Just sayin;)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Friday, October 31, 2014
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Who's making the decisions in our lives? Head, heart or past land mines?
Conflict is inevitable and in all likelihood a frequent occurrence in our lives. Whether this conflict is productive, constructive and relatively civil is up for grabs... or is it? When we "react" in any number of ways, without the benefit of counting to ten, or thinking things through, the outcome is usually less than desirable. Relationships, in particular, provide a fertile ground for shake ups and frankly this isn't so fun. When we love and value important friendships/family members/love interests and we truly want to get along, it's just so upsetting when we find ourselves in a state of disrepair, or constant upheaval. There may be a new and different way to go.
There are many, many avenues in addressing conflict/anger/friction in our lives; therapy/life coaching, books, spiritual practices. How do we know which way to go? What is truly at the core of our differences with one another? Which avenue is the best use of our time and money? These are not easy questions to answer. The good news is, any form of "inner" work may enlighten us to the veritable field of land mines that we offer those around us. Odds are, we're stuck in our heads most of the time and this doesn't feel very warm and fuzzy to our loved ones. Another name for our "head" may aptly be called our "Ego", according to therapeutic and self-help communities. If we're living from this place, it can get pretty dark and unfriendly. With the help of some deeper exploration, there's some hope of factoring in our hearts a little more often and finding our way toward people, rather than away from them. But if we're in the dark about why we say the things we say and do what we do in the heated moment, we're really at a disadvantage - and so are the people who are trying to care about us. It probably doesn't sound like much fun to focus inward in this way, but with some courage and the desire for something better, there is the possibility and great hope for improvement in our relationships and in life overall (for how to's check out Joel Brass workshops or book Healing Your Relationship with Yourself).
Blessings,
Chatgirl
There are many, many avenues in addressing conflict/anger/friction in our lives; therapy/life coaching, books, spiritual practices. How do we know which way to go? What is truly at the core of our differences with one another? Which avenue is the best use of our time and money? These are not easy questions to answer. The good news is, any form of "inner" work may enlighten us to the veritable field of land mines that we offer those around us. Odds are, we're stuck in our heads most of the time and this doesn't feel very warm and fuzzy to our loved ones. Another name for our "head" may aptly be called our "Ego", according to therapeutic and self-help communities. If we're living from this place, it can get pretty dark and unfriendly. With the help of some deeper exploration, there's some hope of factoring in our hearts a little more often and finding our way toward people, rather than away from them. But if we're in the dark about why we say the things we say and do what we do in the heated moment, we're really at a disadvantage - and so are the people who are trying to care about us. It probably doesn't sound like much fun to focus inward in this way, but with some courage and the desire for something better, there is the possibility and great hope for improvement in our relationships and in life overall (for how to's check out Joel Brass workshops or book Healing Your Relationship with Yourself).
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Inner conflict, the culprit of our issues and unhappiness
A lot of us struggle with making decision in our lives and a lot of us remain in the wrong jobs and/or relationships because we simply feel stuck. We may even sit down to write a pro's and con's list and end up no closer to a decision. Both leaving and staying in a bad job or troubled relationship are equally painful and impossible to comprehend. Most of us live in a state of fear and/or confusion. Why is that? What is this really about?
There are a lot of resources and books available; Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, Do What you Love and the Money Will Follow, The Purpose of Your Life and endless relationship books. It may be, however, that we need to go deeper... and to places we do not want to go. A great therapist will probably say that our crap job or our imperfect partner is not actually the problem. We are. What's scarier than facing that fact, is that apparently the problem(s) are unknown to us, and will remain unconscious if we maintain the status quo. So much of our critical history has been buried away for the sake of our survival and we have no idea what is going on in the background... and it gets scarier to think about because apparently, this unconscious stuff is actually running our lives and is making bad decisions for us. Accepting this kind of thinking is not for everyone. It even sounds like a dark maze, doesn't it. But for those of us who are willing to become somewhat of an emotional archaeologist, there are riches in this courageous journey... the kind of love we only see in Hollywood movies and a joy that we haven't believed possible. (For how to, check out Joel Brass workshops and/or book Healing Your Relationship With Yourself).
Blessings,
Chatgirl
There are a lot of resources and books available; Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, Do What you Love and the Money Will Follow, The Purpose of Your Life and endless relationship books. It may be, however, that we need to go deeper... and to places we do not want to go. A great therapist will probably say that our crap job or our imperfect partner is not actually the problem. We are. What's scarier than facing that fact, is that apparently the problem(s) are unknown to us, and will remain unconscious if we maintain the status quo. So much of our critical history has been buried away for the sake of our survival and we have no idea what is going on in the background... and it gets scarier to think about because apparently, this unconscious stuff is actually running our lives and is making bad decisions for us. Accepting this kind of thinking is not for everyone. It even sounds like a dark maze, doesn't it. But for those of us who are willing to become somewhat of an emotional archaeologist, there are riches in this courageous journey... the kind of love we only see in Hollywood movies and a joy that we haven't believed possible. (For how to, check out Joel Brass workshops and/or book Healing Your Relationship With Yourself).
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Stuck in our heads and devices...
Life is soooo busy! Busy, busy, busy. With work, our love lives or endlessly searching for one, family/friend obligations, kids and/or hobbies, and any number of other commitments, our schedules are chock a block full. If we do have a moment to spare, we pull out the device and creep on Facebook, Pinterest and the like, or we start texting and/or emailing. Is it just me, or is this lifestyle heading in a clinical direction? Is this non-stop activity bringing more happiness, fun, joy, abundance or anything of the sort? Personally, I'm not feeling it. Stress, exhaustion, depression and illness are at an all time high. We want to be happier and having more fun, right? So, what is this all about and what are we to do?
A great therapist or life coach might suggest that being busy is just another form of addiction. Filling every moment of every day may be another form of avoidance. If our brains are kept busy, there's no time to consider how our lives are going, how our relationship is going, how we're actually feeling. In addiction counselling, it is said that the addict is an avoidance of deep and profound pain. Feeling means admitting to some things and even scarier than having to accept certain truths, we might have to consider making big changes. Why is it that change is so frightening? But even thinking about leaving a marriage, or safe career can be a huge source of panic and trauma... and so any form of avoidance feels immediately better than that. Here's the rub though - if we don't stop for a moment and feel what we're feeling, life will just happen to us... and this is so much worse. Making a brave and courageous choice and planning a change is a lot easier than life just crashing on your head unexpectedly one day. I'm speaking from experience here.... just sayin';)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
A great therapist or life coach might suggest that being busy is just another form of addiction. Filling every moment of every day may be another form of avoidance. If our brains are kept busy, there's no time to consider how our lives are going, how our relationship is going, how we're actually feeling. In addiction counselling, it is said that the addict is an avoidance of deep and profound pain. Feeling means admitting to some things and even scarier than having to accept certain truths, we might have to consider making big changes. Why is it that change is so frightening? But even thinking about leaving a marriage, or safe career can be a huge source of panic and trauma... and so any form of avoidance feels immediately better than that. Here's the rub though - if we don't stop for a moment and feel what we're feeling, life will just happen to us... and this is so much worse. Making a brave and courageous choice and planning a change is a lot easier than life just crashing on your head unexpectedly one day. I'm speaking from experience here.... just sayin';)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Monday, October 27, 2014
Identifying, admitting to and changing troublesome habits
I think this poem says it best....
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.
walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street.
Portia Nelson, There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery
If we are really willing to look at ourselves, we may just identify some behaviours that we can consider addressing. May be the most important step to a better quality of life. Just sayin';)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.
walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street.
Portia Nelson, There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery
If we are really willing to look at ourselves, we may just identify some behaviours that we can consider addressing. May be the most important step to a better quality of life. Just sayin';)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Friday, October 24, 2014
What's with all the crap that we don't want in our lives? Seriously! ;)
Seriously, what's with all the stuff that comes into our lives that we don't want and absolutely do not appreciate? We sit wondering, what the heck? So much advice out there says "manifest what you want", "think positively", "you are in charge of your destiny" etc. etc.. but try as we might, crappy things keep happening. So, seriously what's the deal?
Here's a revelation... and I think this is a cool, new way of thinking about such a perplexing conundrum. So, here's the scoop... apparently there is a great reason for all of this unwanted and unappreciated s--t that happens in our world. The silver lining is that what we don't want or need supposedly guides us and directs us to what we actually do want and need. With each annoyance, we refine the story/dream/picture of the life we so deeply desire. With each wrong guy, we become more specific and certain about who Mr Right needs to be for us. With each lousy manager, we look for a new job, with a better manager in our sights. These "wrong's" help create the rights. Cool, huh:)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Here's a revelation... and I think this is a cool, new way of thinking about such a perplexing conundrum. So, here's the scoop... apparently there is a great reason for all of this unwanted and unappreciated s--t that happens in our world. The silver lining is that what we don't want or need supposedly guides us and directs us to what we actually do want and need. With each annoyance, we refine the story/dream/picture of the life we so deeply desire. With each wrong guy, we become more specific and certain about who Mr Right needs to be for us. With each lousy manager, we look for a new job, with a better manager in our sights. These "wrong's" help create the rights. Cool, huh:)
Blessings,
Chatgirl
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Security and clarity in knowing what we truly want
Security and clarity in knowing what we truly want
What do we really want? ... I have a suspicion that most of us are not clear on what we want. More money, of course. Better quality relationship, for sure. More free time? Success in our careers? Recognition? To be right? Hotter, or more sex, duh;) Certainly we have overall ideas on what we desire or need... but have we given this enough thought? Have we sat down and thought out/written down everything we truly need in detail? Have we envisioned the life/love that would truly make us happy. More importantly, have we been standing by ourselves in these wishes? Or do they just hang out there in the wind, without support and resources behind them? Are we taking any steps in the direction of greater happiness and joy?
How to begin? Well, I believe we have been carrying around certain dreams for our lifetime, but we've probably been swatting them away or telling ourselves they don't make sense and that we couldn't possibly pursue them. As with AA, the most important step may just be admitting that we're unfulfilled and that there is an unmet need that requires our attention. Something's up when one third of the population is on anti-depressants and infidelity/divorce are at an all-time high, etc. There are many sources and resources for help in addressing our covert or overt unhappiness, but acknowledging how we're truly feeling/not feeling and standing by these thoughts/feelings might just put us in the starting blocks for our new and improved self/life. (The Power of Now by E.Tolle or Ask and It is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks both assist with some acknowledgement of how we're truly doing/feeling).
Blessings,
Chatgirl
What do we really want? ... I have a suspicion that most of us are not clear on what we want. More money, of course. Better quality relationship, for sure. More free time? Success in our careers? Recognition? To be right? Hotter, or more sex, duh;) Certainly we have overall ideas on what we desire or need... but have we given this enough thought? Have we sat down and thought out/written down everything we truly need in detail? Have we envisioned the life/love that would truly make us happy. More importantly, have we been standing by ourselves in these wishes? Or do they just hang out there in the wind, without support and resources behind them? Are we taking any steps in the direction of greater happiness and joy?
How to begin? Well, I believe we have been carrying around certain dreams for our lifetime, but we've probably been swatting them away or telling ourselves they don't make sense and that we couldn't possibly pursue them. As with AA, the most important step may just be admitting that we're unfulfilled and that there is an unmet need that requires our attention. Something's up when one third of the population is on anti-depressants and infidelity/divorce are at an all-time high, etc. There are many sources and resources for help in addressing our covert or overt unhappiness, but acknowledging how we're truly feeling/not feeling and standing by these thoughts/feelings might just put us in the starting blocks for our new and improved self/life. (The Power of Now by E.Tolle or Ask and It is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks both assist with some acknowledgement of how we're truly doing/feeling).
Blessings,
Chatgirl
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