An emotionally mature person will listen without defensiveness…

If you want to know how emotionally mature a person is, tell them how they’ve hurt you. Their response will reveal everything about their character, empathy and self-awareness. 

An emotionally mature person will listen without defensiveness, validated your feelings, and reflect on their actions. They’ll seek to understand, not argue or dismiss. They recognize that acknowledging someone’s hurt doesn’t diminish their own worth—it strengthens the relationship. On the other hand, emotional immaturity often manifests as deflection, denial and blaming. A person unwilling to take accountability for their impact on others may dismiss your feelings as over sensitive or turn the conversation into an attack on you. Their inability to hold space for your pain is a sign that their growth is still in progress. Ultimately, how someone handles the discomfort of being confronted about their behaviour speaks volumes. A mature response builds trust and fosters healing, while an immature one exposes the gaps in their ability to connect and grow. Pay attention—it may be the clarity you need. 

— Unknown 

This has become deal breaker number one for me. I will no longer entertain a relationship with an emotionally immature person. I am very relieved to have learned this lesson and look forward to less drama, tension and stress moving forward. Just sayin’ : ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Biggest wish isn’t luxury, it’s peace…

People who grew up in broken, dysfunctional homes don’t have big dreams. They dream of stability. Of a home that feels safe, quiet and warm. Of waking up and knowing no one is going to leave. Their biggest wish isn’t luxury, it’s peace. Consistency. A love that doesn’t punish, abandon, or destroy. 

— Anonymous 

This train of thought took me back to my parents’ tumultuous, and sometimes violent relationship. On a regular basis, my mother would call me in to pack a bag, and we’d leave my brother, sister (who was sometimes in the drive way sadly watching us leave without her. Whoa!) and father in the back doing yard work. We’d never get more than 20 minutes away, and she’d turn around and decide she wanted to work things out. But things never really got better. I believe this ongoing unrest steered me away from having a family of my own. And I’ve always wanted peace more than anything in the world. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Between you and your behaviour…

I didn’t talk badly about you. I talked about what you did to me. If that makes you look bad, that’s between you and your behaviour. Because telling the truth about my experience isn’t bitterness. It’s clarity. And I’m not responsible for protecting someone’s image when they had no problem damaging my peace. Sometimes the truth only sounds harsh because someone benefitted from the silence. 

— Miley Cyrus 

The most important thing I’ve learned from intensive therapy, and group therapy workshops, is the role of  accountability in relationships. Specifically, it is going to be very difficult to have a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t willing to discuss and navigate issues with an open mind and heart. When conflict arises, a team approach is winning, whereas blaming and skirting one’s end in things is pretty much a non starter. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Your body can pick up on energy before your mind processes…

The deeper you heal, the more your body reacts to bad energy. Loud, chaotic environments feel unbearable, fake conversations drain you instantly, and being around negative or inauthentic people physically exhausts you. Your intuition sharpens, your body picks up on energy shifts before your mind can process them, and you instinctively distance yourself from anything that disrupts your peace.

— Unknown 

I have found this to be quite true. I have experienced profound healing, particularly after my mother’s passing, and a one year, intensive group therapy course. The emotional evolution has allowed me to be clear on my boundaries and deal breakers. Unfortunately I’ve lost some people along the way, which I find quite sad. I never wanted to throw the baby out with the bath water, but some behaviours are just too unsettling and upsetting for me to tolerate at this point in my life. Just sayin’ : ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Life could be so simple if accountability was normalized…

People get so caught up in the shame of being called out on something, that they make the situation ten times bigger than what it had to be. Life could be so simple if accountability was normalized. 

You did a thing I didn’t like. I named it. You acknowledge/apologize. 

We move on.

— Kaszmyr / X

I learned about “clearing” in group therapy seminars, and it really does work, I must say! Go for it, if you haven’t already. Each person is able to talk about their experience, what they need, make any requests. And you work out some ground rules together. It’s genius. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Accountable for what you do as a result of your feelings?…

My therapist say “ Your feelings are always valid. Your behaviour is not. “ 

She explained — feel what you feel but you need to be accountable for what you do as a result of those feelings.

— Anonymous 

My key learning from therapy is the profound benefits of cultivating new relationship/communication skills. I used to go dark and quiet when upset. I wasn’t able to adequately communicate through difficult emotions. But with new tools and practice, in a group therapy setting, I was able to understand the deeper issues at work. Early childhood/upbringing conditioning is typically to blame for at least some of our unconscious, potentially sabotaging coping strategies. I can’t recommend therapy and relationship courses enough. It’ll change your life; your primary love relationship, and probably career a finances as well, as all relationships benefit from this sort of personal work. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck.

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Things I’m no longer apologizing for…

Things I’m no longer apologizing for:

• My feelings. Being emotional and crying
• Having firm boundaries
• Saying no to something I’m not interested in doing
• Not answering the phone when I can’t or don’t feel like it
• Needing to take a break
• Asking for clarity when I don’t understand
• How other people behave
• Changing and becoming better
• Not agreeing with someone
• Putting myself first. I can’t be anything to anyone if I am nothing to myself
• Settling for less than I deserve
• Letting go when I need to 
• Healing at my own pace

— Alex Elle (vybecource.com) 

I would add “tolerating behaviours that are in fact deal breakers for me” such as controlling tendencies, too frequently negative and judgemental, snarky’ness, reactionary responses (cold shoulder, punishing silent treatment etc.). I’m looking for people who are capable of adult conversations and relationship building collaboration (not sulking, blaming and a lack of accountability). It took me a really long time to establish these boundaries. Life has never been more freeing and stress reduced. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

When dysfunction is the norm…

Sometimes people can’t see the damage in their own behaviour, not because they’re heartless, but because they spent so much time around others who’ve made that behaviour seem normal-even acceptable. When dysfunction is the norm, it’s hard to recognize it as wrong. 

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist says it’s generally not until we’re in a relationship that we begin to recognize problematic behaviours, on both sides. We can continue battling it out with one other, or we can seek help, learn new skills, and improve our relationships? We take courses for all kinds of things. Why not relationship skills? Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Can’t hear without getting offended?…

Some people will never grow because they can’t hear without getting offended. They can’t see the part they played, only the discomfort they feel when their behaviour is reflected back to them. If someone can’t sit with the truth of their actions, they won’t be able to change them.

— @yourcourageouscomeback

I finally ran out of tolerance for people who seem unable to have an adult conversation, and share responsibility for the health of a relationship. And thank goodness too because it’s exhausting being around people elect to blame others instead. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO  

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The trap of how we think things should be…

At the core of all true and real emotional and spiritual inner work is one uncompromising requirement, as challenging as it may be: to face and embrace our experience of ourselves, our feelings, and our lives exactly the way they are. People have a deep seated attachment to how we think things should be, or ought to be, or how we want things to be, which is almost always at significant and uncomfortable variance with how things actually are. When we experience this discord or incongruence between how we need things to be and how they acutally are we employ a vast array of defences and strategies to live with this distressing reality: avoid, deny, pretend, minimize, hide, distract, use food and substances and suppress being many of our most employed in a desperate and ultimately failing attempt to stay away from the truth of our actual experience. 

Though completely counterintuitive and paradoxical, from having ultimately worked with others in this domain for over four decades, one law governing the inner world of humans that has never failed to be powerful and true is this twin-sided one: “Whatever you deny or resist will persist and get bigger.” “Whatever you admit to, accept, face, and allow yourself to fully experience will lose its hold over you.” Herein is the confounding, sometimes daunting, but ultimately liberating way out of an immense amount of your suffering. Astonishingly, it is the way in. That is to say, the way out is the way in. 

— Joel Brass(Therapist, seminar leader, author)

I’ve been working with Joel on and off for many years, and my experience is, the deeper the healing, the better my life. I found the love of my life, and our relationship is very easy for us to navigate, which brings tremendous peace and fulfillment. My career continues to offer greater meaning and enjoyment, which is surprising, frankly. I have also found a financial freedom I never thought possible, and it’s effortless. Go figure. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Embracing our lives as they really are (and forgiving our limitations)…

Practice is not about overcoming human problems. It’s not about becoming serene or transcendent. It’s about embracing our lives as they really are, and understanding at every point how deep and profound and gorgeous everything is - even the suffering, even the difficulty. So we forgive ourselves for our limitations, and we forgive the world for its pain.

We don’t say, “That’s not pain.” It is pain. You don’t say “It’s not difficult.” It is difficult. But when we embrace the difficulty… we see this is exactly the difficulty we need. And this difficulty is the most beautiful and poignant thing in this world. 

— Zoketsu Norman Fischer 

This is a quote provided by my favourite therapist, and life guru (Joel Brass, based in British Columbia. He conducts brilliant in person seminars/relationship courses, and offers virtual therapy as well). I’ve learned to follow this profound advice. While counter-intuitive, I continue to see how facing the um-faceable de-mystifies and de-stigmatizes some of the most scary and tumultuous challenges. Currently, I am dealing with a scary cancer diagnosis, and “leaning into” the immense fear and unknown allowed me to cultivate a deeper strength and resolve than I could have imagined. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

One of the hardest lessons…

One of the hardest lessons is realizing that not everyone is interested in growth, being better, or changing.

Some people are fine behaving the way they do, even if it’s harmful. Accepting this will remind you that you decide who and what you pour your energy into. 

—@yourcourageouscomeback

I think this has been my toughest life lesson. I don’t like losing people, especially treasured, long standing relationships. You just don’t meet highly compatible people all that often. Unfortunately, I’ve had to come to grips with my deal breakers and say no to certain behaviours; a mean streak, judgmental tendencies,  snarky’ness, cold shoulder treatment rather than adult conversation are a few of mine. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Many people are children in adult bodies…

With someone emotionally immature, you’ll have a childlike relationship. There’s no real conflict resolution. No accountability. No growth. Many people are children in adult bodies-unwilling to do the work, but expecting you to carry the weight of the relationship.

— @yourcourageouscomeback

This explains so much about my earlier relationships… until I did my own emotional healing work and began to prioritize accountable, healthy, adult friends. Which also helped me draw good boundaries,  and be clear on my needs, wants, can’t live with’s and can’t live withouts. This growth allowed me to find (attract) my perfect life partner. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Lacking the emotional maturity to sustain a healthy relationship?…

There are many people out there who claim they want a relationship but don’t have the self-awareness, emotional maturity, and accountability to sustain one. 

It’s not your responsibility to guide someone into emotional readiness.

—@yourcourageouscomeback

I definitely lacked the skills for a healthy relationship when I was younger. I had no idea how to communicate through challenges. I went sullen and silent as a rule, which is most unhelpful. I had no idea how to ask for what I wanted or needed, and I’m not sure I even knew what I needed back then. I was so used to putting myself second, after a stressful and punishing upbringing. I highly recommend acquiring new interpersonal skills. I took a number of therapist led, relationship seminars, where I learned how to “clear” (invite a very safe, two way dialogue, that tends to heal and deepen relationships), among other key, relationship building skills. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

You can’t love someone into emotional maturity…

You can’t love someone into emotional maturity, you can only drain yourself trying. 

Love doesn’t heal what accountability avoids, and the longer you try to fix someone who refuses to grow, the further you drift from the version of you that deserves peace. 

— Robert Wilkinson 

This describes all of my early relationships, Lol. But seriously, what I learned from much intensive therapy is that it was me that needed the healing and tender, loving care all along. I put my energy into others because I so badly wanted a safe relationship, to make up for the lack of safety I grew up with. But unhealed people don’t make for a very safe environment. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Acceptance frees you from trying to change anyone…

I fell in love with this quote:

Accept people as they are, but place them where they belong. Always remember you are the CEO of your life. Acceptance frees you from trying to change anyone. Boundaries protect your peace. Not everyone earns the same access, the same closeness, or the same seat at your table, and that’s not cruelty, it’s self respect. 

— Unknown

I don’t know about you, but I was too tolerant in my younger days. I thought I was being unconditionally loving, and realistic in accepting that people have flaws. But after much healing work, my boundaries are firm and deal breakers non-negotiable. Life is pretty drama free, and it’s a relief, I must say. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Push through, and you’ll be most proud you did…

Nobody talks about the middle. The part where excitement fades and progress stalls. Where the work feels endless, the wins feel small and the finish line isn’t even in sight. The middle part is where most people quit—not because they couldn’t do it, but because they thought it wasn’t supposed to feel this way. But this is actually where the growth happens. 

Push through. One day, this chapter will be the part of the story you’re most proud of. 

— Unknown 

Ah, yes, the old test of endurance. I’ve been through many of these moments; job loss (and an ensuing three years finding a new one, plus five years of paying debts, before life corrected), divorce (which they say takes about half the whole amount of time you were together to get over), and currently dealing with an ongoing, scary health scenario. But what I’ve learned is, the more you endure and recover, the more strength and resilience you realize you can summon, when you really need it. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Opposite of uncertainty is self trust…

My therapist taught me that…

the opposite of uncertainty isn’t certainty, it’s self trust. Trying to control the future is a battle you’ll never win, so instead of seeking certainty, seek self trust. Tell yourself: I don’t know what will happen in a year. I don’t know what the future holds. 

What I do know is I trust I’ll be able to handle whatever does happen. I trust I’ll have my best interests at heart. I trust that I’ll try my best. I trust myself, so I know I’ll be okay.

— @latenightepiphanies_

I don’t know about you, but I find this advice quite comforting. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Big part of being happy is being excited…

A big part of being happy is being excited

Be excited for everything - making a cup of tea, seeing a friend, the next episode of your favourite show, buying something you’ve been saving up for, sunsets, travelling, falling in love. 

Live a life you are excited about.

— @successfulfemalemindset

I’ve never thought about the excitement aspect per se. It makes a ton of sense though, and I imagine this is a big part of goal setting. If we’re saving for that special vacation, or coveted new car or home, we’re dreaming big and feeling excited at the thought of manifesting these pleasures. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Anger is telling us something…

Anger is

• A response to disempowerment
• A sign our boundaries are being ignored or violated
• A response to invalidation or unfair treatment
• A response to disrespect 
• A part of the grieving process
• A sign of built-up resentment or unresolved emotions
• A symptom of hyper-vigilance and trauma
• A sign that you may feel attacked, threatened, or deceived
• A way of protesting that we cannot control the reality around us

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist originally diagnosed me with a broken compass. Because I grew up with a rage-aholic father (controlling, some violence and extreme discipline in general), I became afraid of anger and avoided it like the plaque. But I came to understand that anger, and our entire range of emotions provide critical information in helping us manage our world. Of course, there is a healthy way to apro ach anger, and that is with adult conversations; leading with honesty, clarity and respectful words. Personally, I needed help with “clearing” through therapy and group therapy relationship courses. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl