Hearing doesn’t necessarily mean understanding…

I used to think communication was everything, until I realized understanding is.

You can talk all you want, but if the other person doesn’t truly hear you, it’s just noise.

— Unknown 

This sums up my marriage breakdown. Despite significant profession help (two different therapists!), we were unable to understand each other well enough to resolve our issues. When we would recount a story/recent breakdown, the therapists would tell us that one version was white and the other black. Zero ability to reconcile. We parted on very good terms actually, realizing that we just didn’t have a solid foundation to work with. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Big reactions an echo of the times you had to stay small…

My therapist says

A lot of explosive emotional reactions aren’t actually about the present moment. They’re the echo of all the times your body had to stay quiet, stay small, or stay safe instead of expressing yourself.

— Anonymous

This really resonates for me. My father was strict and dictatorial, offering us kids little to no space for self expression. For me, this led to a lack of healthy communication in relationships. I would go quiet as a rule, which is most unhelpful. Fortunately, I’ve always been a curious person and I believe in ongoing learning. Therapy and therapist led relationship seminars have been a live saver. This kind of “work” offered such a safe space to learn healthy relationship skills and led to the perfect love of my life. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

What you don’t maintain, you lose…

There is a Japanese Legend that says:

“Whether it’s a machine, a house, or a relationship, maintenance is always cheaper than repairing.”

What you don’t maintain, you eventually lose. 

— Unknown 

Mental health has been the most critical maintenance in my life. And thank goodness because when the tough times come, you just hope you’ve cultivated the strength, courage and support system to deal. (I say this as I navigate the scary world of cancer. My prognosis just took a hit, and the tools and support I’ve acquired along the way are holding me together. Wish me luck!). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Winning tips from Neuroscience…

According to Neuroscience, if you repeat these 3 phrases each morning, you will start to rewire your brain to become more positive, confident and grateful. 

1)” Show me how good today gets” - This activates your brain’s R.A.S to notice more opportunities.

2) “I’m grateful for…” - Gratitude increases dopamine, shifting your nervous system into a more regulated, positive state. 

3) “I can handle anything that comes my way today.” - This builds self efficacy and reduces the threat response to your brain.

— @edgaralandough/X - Raising Your Frequency

I’ve been working with gratitude for a while, and I do find it lifts my mood. I tell myself I can handle what comes my way sometimes, but I’d like to lean into this because I know it makes me feel comforted, and more capable and strong. I haven’t focused on thinking about how good life can get each day, but it’s clearly better than worrying. Great tips! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

You are what you cultivate…

What you do in private always shows in public. Reading shows in conversations. Your workouts show in your physique. Your diet shows in your energy. Your discipline shows in your confidence. Your focus shows in your results.

You are what you cultivate when no one is watching.

— Unknown 

My morning routine saw me through one of the scariest times of my life. I lost my new swanky job during the 2008 financial crisis, right before Christmas, and I ended up in and out of crappy jobs that paid half what I was used to, because that’s all there was. Meanwhile, I continued to get up early every day and go to the coffee shop to read the paper and do my usual writing (including this blog, and a spiritual practice I’ve maintained for thirty years). Then I would treat the job search as my daily employment, which gave me hope and a sense of purpose. This focus reduced my fear and anxiety, which was crucial when my bank account continued to drop. Yikes! As I go to the same coffee shop every day, I was also able to connect with friends and acquaintances, which offered a sense of normalcy, kinship and calm. Thank God for my morning routine. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Make tiny progress, however small?…

The 1% rule:

The Japanese believe laziness isn’t about character, it’s about exhaustion and overreaction. 

So they force themselves to make tiny progress daily, no matter how small.

One Athlete shared:

“I did just one push-up daily. Never skipped. After months, my body craved more.”

Progress isn’t about giant leaps. It’s about showing up. 

— Unknown 

Some days, washing and drying my hair is a victory. If something weighs heavily enough, a sort of paralysis can set in. I’ve found that if I convince myself to do just one thing (take out the garbage, trim my nails, organize a drawer?), an energy reserve appears, and the burden lightens. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Your tolerance is your future…

Something I wish I knew at 25… 

Your tolerance is your future. Tolerate disrespect, live disrespected. Tolerate mediocrity, live mediocre. Tolerate chaos, live chaotic. You’re not being patient. You’re programming your life. Every standard you don’t enforce becomes your new normal.

— @scottdclary

Boy, I wish I knew this at 25 as well! Having said that, it’s still taken many years of therapy and coaching to get my boundaries sorted. And additional time to maintain those boundaries. I believe my favourite therapist would sum it up as “having one’s own back.” Which I have found to be more difficult than imagined. But as I’ve evolved (with practice and commitment), life has become exponentially better in all respects, including financially, which has been a welcome, and empowering, surprise. Just sayin’ : / Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Unhealed people are fighting battles from another time…

Unhealed people don’t listen with their ears. 

They listen with their triggers. They don’t hear your words, they hear their wounds. They turn calm into criticism, honesty into an attack, and silence into abandonment. Every response is shaped by fear, not understanding. You’re having a conversation, but they’re fighting battles from another time. No matter how gently you speak, pain speaks louder. That’s why healing isn’t a luxury. It’s necessary for connection, for clarity and for peace. 

— Unknown 

I think a lot of us become adults and just get on with our responsibilities and obligations. We probably don’t think to improve the softer skills that matter so much in relationships, and even at work. We probably don’t think about (and may not even be aware of) limitations that hold us back. I also think most people are wary of healing work/therapy etc., or just don’t see the need. Until there’s a rock bottom of some sort; addiction fall out, relationship break down, death in the family/inner circle, job loss. For me, it was a tumultuous relationship that I wanted to hold onto. And I’m so glad my path led to therapy. Single best decision of my life. In a nutshell, I would say that therapy took me back to a shaky foundation and put me on solid footing. From there, I’ve been able to excel in career with more joy, I have newfound financial security without much effort or sacrifice and I found the love of my life and perfect partner of eleven collaborative, fun and fulfilling years. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The biggest skill you can develop…

The biggest skill you can develop is the ability to reset fast. Bad conversation? Move on. Bad day? Start fresh tomorrow. Missed workout? Hit it the next day. Poor decision? Learn and adjust. You can’t control what happens to you, but you control how long you let it affect you. 

— Unknown 

In my experience, some reactions (triggers?) are deeply rooted, and possibly unconscious. I’ve needed therapy to manage my more problematic responses and emotions. For example, when I was younger, I used to react badly to being questioned. I would feel my intelligence and capability were insulted. This sensitivity stemmed from my father routinely sayin “you’re completely missing the point,” which negated my thoughts and opinions. Once this old wound was resolved, I became quite open to other perspectives and information. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

At a certain age, it’s our responsibility to grow and heal…

After a certain age, it is literally your responsibility, no one else’s, to teach yourself the things you were deprived of, to unlearn and let go of all the toxic habits, because flaunting anger issues, being emotionally unavailable, and not being able to communicate your feelings seems like nothing more than an excuse. Life is unfair to everyone in various ways, a little to some, a lot to others. You cannot spend your whole life whining and complaining about how cruel it was to you; the trauma inflicted upon you cannot be justified, but it is your duty to heal, grow, and feel safe in your mind.

— Unknown 

I learned this lesson from a coach of A Course in Miracles. “Victim mentality” was a new concept for me and a paradigm shift to be sure. In truth, healing is pain staking work. You typically need to revisit all the shit, in order to sort it out and find peace. But, for me, the rewards have been quite extraordinary. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The healthiest people own their moods…

The healthiest people regulate their own nervous system instead of making you responsible for their mood. They can sit with discomfort without lashing out, talk about what’s wrong without turning it into a war, and hold their healing without weaponizing their wounds. They take responsibility for how they show up, even on bad days. They know the difference between sharing a burden and dumping it. They don’t make love conditional on you managing their triggers. They create safety without demanding control. Because love isn’t about finding someone to carry our chaos, it’s about finding someone who carries their own.

— Anonymous

I’m starting to comprehend the difference between knowing something intellectually, and embodying it. It’s fascinating to me that we can hear something, think we understand the concept, and yet not evolve. For example, I’ve had a tendency to over-give. In fact, I’ve taken great pride in my kindness and generosity, knowing that this is the kind of person I choose to be, and want to be. But inevitably, the bill comes due in my close relationships. I find myself depleted and frustrated with others’ lack of reciprocity. I’ve begun to pull back, in a sound way (with the nudge of a health crisis and my therapist’s guidance), and I’ve taken responsibility for my end in things. And go figure, others have come forward in a beautiful way. I’ve learned that some of these habitual behaviours are actually long standing, childhood coping mechanisms. Most likely, we are unaware of these operating systems, and don’t realize that we have the power to choose differently. I find the whole discussion intriguing. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Nice is just gift wrap…

Nice is not the same as kind. Nice is not the same as ethical. Nice is not the same as moral. The older I get, the less interested I am in “nice.” Nice is the gift wrap; it says nothing about what’s inside. 

— Anonymous 

I don’t know about it you, but I’ve had to learn to be more discerning with “friends”, and more cautious up front, especially with “nice” people. I learned the hard way, unfortunately, and found myself burned by people I thought I could trust. Just sayin ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Gut feelings you shouldn’t ignore…

5 gut feelings you should never ignore

1. A sudden heaviness in your chest — it’s your body’s quiet way of warning you.

2. Disliking someone without knowing why — your instincts notice what your eyes miss.

3. Feeling like you need to leave a place — your energy often senses what’s unseen.

4. Struggling to decide — when it’s right, it feels peaceful, not confusing.

5. Wanting to change your route — sometimes your inner voice already knows why

— Unknown

I’ve been trusting my gut more and more. I started noticing that when I allowed logic and common sense to overrule my gut, I’d end up kicking myself. Something unforeseen would happen, and if I’d listened to my gut, I would have fared better. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Every time you swallow a boundary…

Tolerating always turns into resentment. 

At first, you call it patience, then love. But what it really is, is self-abandonment. Every time you swallow a boundary, excuse a pattern, or silence your discomfort, something inside you keeps score. And eventually the bill comes due.

— Anonymous

My biggest lesson in life was determining, and standing by, my deal breakers. I applied this to my love life, and met my perfect life partner. We have a very easy relationship because we are aligned as a match, and we have enormous respect, passion and compassion for one another. I finally realized I need the same level of compatibility and empathy in my friendships as well. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Some of us weren’t raised. We were just managed…

Some of us weren’t raised.  

We were just managed. We weren’t nurtured. We were just told to behave. Be quiet. Be good. Don’t upset. Don’t feel. Don’t need too much. We didn’t get emotional education. We got emotional neglect disguised as discipline. And now we’re adults trying to build lives, hold relationships, raise children, with no blueprint for how to meet our own needs, let alone anyone else’s. That’s not our fault. But it is our responsibility to break that cycle. To re-parent ourselves. To learn how to comfort, not just control. Because the world doesn’t need more “well-behaved” adults. It needs emotionally safe ones. 

— Unknown

I don’t know about you, but I find this kind of information quite helpful. My favourite therapist says, in his 40 years of private practice, that a good percentage of us have experienced “not love” rather than “love” in our upbringing. And so when it comes to a committed, long term relationship, we’ll be challenged to create the kind of love we may envision. Fortunately, as I’ve learned, it’s never too late to break and cycle and cultivate the skills necessary to create a wonderful relationship. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Never taught the basics of being whole…

The real problem is,  most of us were raised by parents who were just surviving — so they taught us survival, not life. No one sat us down to explain how debt works, how to self-soothe, how to say ‘no’ without guilt, or how to walk away from love that hurts. We weren’t shown what emotional safety looks like-just told to keep the peace, suppress the feelings, and hustle harder. Now we’re adults paying bills on autopilot, spiralling in relationships, mistaking burnout for success, and calling anxiety our personality. Lost, overwhelmed, and wondering why we feel broken-when in reality, we were just never taught the basics of being whole.

— Unknown 

This is a great summary of what I learned in therapy. My parents got married at 18 and 21, and they were truly just surviving, financially and emotionally. They passed down what they learned from their parents, and the parents before them. And unfortunately, healthy relationships skills were not present. I’m just glad I had the curiosity to pursue new, helpful skills for the sake of myself and my relationships. Game changer. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Honesty delivered without carelessness and cruelty…

Unpopular opinion: being brutally honest is not a strength

It is often a sign of low emotional intelligence and a lack of social awareness. Honesty does not have to come at the cost of kindness or tact. It takes far more maturity to express truth with clarity and care than it does to be blunt and thoughtless. If you are truly emotionally intelligent you know how to say what needs to be said without being careless or cruel. Most people are not broken by the truth. They are broken by how it is delivered. You are not more real for hurting someone just because you said it like it is. 

— Unknown 

Well said. I would also add that some points are delivered as “fact”, when in reality they may just be one person’s opinion. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Lacking self-awareness and empathy?…

Emotional maturity is accepting that no amount of explaining will make someone self-aware. If a person hasn’t done the work to sit with their own pain, they’ll deflect yours. You stop trying to earn empathy from people who don’t have the capacity to offer it.

— Unknown 

I really wish I’d learned some of this stuff earlier. I found an amazing therapist in my early thirties, and began taking relationship skills seminars, and my life improved dramatically. In a nutshell, I’d say that we can have more of an impact on our lives than we might realize. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

When home was a battlefield…

Nobody talks about how growing up in a dysfunctional family makes it hard to dream big. Your dreams don’t look like everyone else’s. You don’t fantasize about fame or fortune. You dream of peace. Of quiet mornings without tension. Of a dinner table where no one walks on eggshells. Of a love that stays - even when it’s hard. You dream of safety not success. Because when home was a battlefield, your biggest wish wasn’t to escape the world… It was to build one where you finally felt safe. 

— Unknown 

This quote perfectly summarizes how I felt growing up. And it wasn’t until I found a genius therapist, and learned helpful tools that I was able to create a healthy relationship and safe family of my own. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Set boundaries with those who drain you…

The shift happens when… 

You say no to what doesn’t serve you.

You forgive those who have hurt you.

You set boundaries with people who drain your energy.

You trust that The Universe is working in your favour.

You stop forcing things to work.

You stop seeking external validation.

You operate from your heart instead of fear.

You realize that you are infinite love and light and totally abundant.

— @_jakewoodard

Setting boundaries with people who drain me has been a work in progress. My tolerance was extremely high, to my detriment. I didn’t realize I was enabling behaviours that were in fact a deal breaker for me; extreme judgment, making others uncomfortable, and actually mistreating others, making me uncomfortable. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl