Repeated silence can become self-sabotage…

Discernment matters

Because while silence can be powerful, repeated silence in the face of mistreatment becomes self-sabotage.

You’re not providing strength by enduring what wounds you. You’re not choosing peace by allowing cycles of disrespect. 

When you truly know your worth, you stop just “rising above”. You walk away. You cut the cord. You stop explaining yourself to people committed to misunderstanding you. 

Boundaries aren’t reactions—they’re revelations. Of who you are. Of what you allow. And of what you’re never going to tolerate again.

—Unknown 

I “rose above” and thought I was choosing peace for years. But in the end, I realized I was walking on egg shells and/or biting my tongue far too often. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

No longer apologizing for…

Things I’m no longer apologizing for: 

My feelings. Having firm boundaries. Saying no to something I’m interested in doing. Being emotional or crying. Not answering the phone when I can’t or don’t feel like it. Needing to take a break. Asking for clarity when I don’t understand. How other people behave. Changing and becoming better. Not agreeing with someone. Putting myself first. I can’t be anything to anyone if I am nothing to myself. Not settling for less than I deserve. Letting go when I need to. Healing at my own pace. 

— Alex Elle, VYBESOURCE.COM

The two that stand out for me are; no longer apologizing for how other people behave and putting myself first. I spent waaay too many years people pleasing and walking on egg shells. Simply exhausting. I honestly don’t think I would have gotten there without therapy. Just sayin’  ;) Hugs and good lucking. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

You don’t have to put up with it…

Just because you understand someone’s behaviour - or why they are the way they are - does not mean you have to put up with it. No amount of empathy or understanding should ever come before your wellness, especially if their behaviour hurts your or makes you uncomfortable. 

— Unknown 

Have I ever been a slow learner in this department. But, as I know now, after much therapy, we tend to continue on with what we learned growing up. If we were unable to have boundaries, and we coped by people pleasing and/or fixing, we likely continued on with such coping strategies. I’m just very grateful that I landed on a healing journey, and stabilized my emotional world. All good things have come from these new healthy boundaries. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

 

Only know how to stay and fix relationships?…

My therapist told me:

“A sign of childhood trauma? Trying to make the people who hurt you be nicer to you—instead of walking away.”

Because as a child, you weren’t given the option to leave. You only knew how to stay, how to fix, how to earn love that should have been freely given.

Healing starts when you stop seeking kindness from the ones who made you beg for it. 

— Unknown 

This really hits home for me. My pattern of relationships was very much defined by people pleasing and trying to be liked and loved. I feel really bad for my younger self, but clearly that’s all I knew. Fortunately, I landed on an healing journey. I learned how to take care of myself and I learned how to establish healthy boundaries. It wasn’t a quick or easy process. There was a big investment of time, money, blood, sweat and tears. But everything in my life improved, and now I’m living the dream with financial security and the love of my life, 10+ years now. Fewf. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatigirl

If it feels bad, it’s a no…

Just a reminder:

• If you’re not sure, it’s a no.
• If you feel half-in, it’s a no.
• If your intuition tells you no something is off, it’s a no.
• If if feels bad, fake, forced, it’s a no.

You don’t need other people to give you permission to listen to your own inner knowing. 

Trust yourself and wait for the full-body yes.

— Unknown 

Before I embarked on deep healing work, I couldn’t tell the difference between fear and a gut instinct “no”. I couldn’t be more grateful for the learning and guidance from individual and group therapy, and relationship courses. Best investment I’ve ever made. Because all of that learning led to the love of my life, the job of my dreams, and more financial security than I could have imagined. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Surprising causes of childhood trauma…

Childhood trauma is not only caused by abuse, it can also be a result of…

• Having your emotions dismissed and ignored
• Being physically or emotionally abandoned
• Having to people please to get attention
• Lack of validation and positive feedback
• Caregivers with inconsistent mood and behaviour
• Growing up in a home with arguments and chaos
• Lack of physical affection (like hugs)
• Not being comforted or soothed when sad
• Having a sibling whole was favoured
• Left to deal with difficult emotions on your own
• Having caregivers who were physically present but emotionally distant
• Having overly strict caregivers

— @rstored.woman

Well, geez, I check all of those boxes. This is a very validating list indeed. And my therapist confirms that I did indeed have toxic parents. I really wouldn’t be where I am without my individual and group therapy, and relationship seminars. With help, I’ve managed to find the love of my life, for 10 years+ now, I’m making more money than I’ve ever made, and I have quite the nest egg of cash and assets stored away, all of which provide more security than I could ever have hoped for. Just sayin’;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Invest in emotional intelligence?…

The more emotionally intelligent you become, the less you take things personally. 

You start to see that other people’s behaviours are often reflections of their own struggles, not a statement about your worth.

— Unknown 

So, how does one become more emotionally intelligent? I think I was born with some natural instincts, and I have a degree in psychology, but in truth, I owe most of my wisdom and insight to therapy and relationship courses. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings, 

Chatgirl 

In life, not everything has an answer…

Sometimes our minds get stuck asking “why”, but in life not everything has an answer. 

When we can accept this, we can find peace. 

— Unknown 

We all have our crosses to bear. For me, it’s finding peace over a toxic mother, who has now passed. After dealing alone for a couple of years, I realized it was bigger than me. So I’m back working with my favourite therapist and what a relief. It’s so nice to, number one, be validated, and number two, understand that toxic parents are a known thing, and on some level it’s not personal. But you still have to deal with the feelings of neglect and abandonment. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Being robbed of your childhood can look like…

• Having to parent and take are of your siblings
• Experiencing emotional and/or physical neglect
• Providing regular emotional support to a parent
• Keeping the peace in a chaotic home
• Pulled into arguments or issues between parents
• Having to figure out everything on your own 

— Unknown

Reading this list really validates my troubled upbringing. According to research, 50% of us have difficult family scenarios and 8% of us are fully estranged from our families. That makes me feel a bit better actually. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

A soul who’s done the inner work…

How to recognize a soul who’s done the inner work

They can:

• Pause before reacting—because they’ve met their triggers before
• Speak truth without needing to dominate the room
• Feel their anger without letting it become their weapon
• Say “I was wrong” without collapsing in shame
• Set boundaries without closing their hearts
• Be soft without being passive
• Be wise without needing to be right 

They don’t just talk about healing. They embody it. 

You’ll know them not by their perfection but by their presence.

And when you’re around them, your nervous system says — “ We’re safe here.”

— Unknown 

I’ve been doing deep healing work for some time now, and it is very cathartic and freeing. You’re not at the mercy of your reactions. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Too much kindness can become self abandonment…

Stop being so considerate in situations where you are not even considered. Kindness is a gift, not an obligation. You will be drained if you keep pouring into people who don’t reciprocate. Your kindness is a strength, but when it comes at the expense of your own well-being, boundaries, or self-respect it becomes self abandonment.

Protect your spirit and well being. Redirect your warmth toward those who reflect it back to you.

— Unknown 

It’s taken me a long time, and a lot of therapy, to learn this lesson. Fortunately, my favourite therapist has enabled me to question duty and obligation. In truth, I hadn’t really thought of it because when it comes to long term friends and family, I thought there were things you just needed to do. But now, I consider my overall mental health and well being before I make commitments. Apparently, the rule of thumb is, if you have the energy and you choose to be there for someone else, go for it. But if you are low on energy and you need to focus on your own self-care (a nap, a rest, a do nothing day, errands or grocers, cooking and/or cleaning, preparing for your work work, exercise?), that always comes first. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Change your mind, change your life…

Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life. If you continue to believe as you have always believed, you will continue to act as you have always acted. If you continue to act as you’ve always acted, you will continue to get what you’ve always gotten. 

If you want different results in your life or your work, all you have to do is change your mind.

— Anonymous 

I can attest to that. I’ve had two life altering experiencing that changed my thinking permanently. I turned a final, painful and humiliating break up into a substantial halt on dating, and full accountability for my role in my failed relationships. I also learned how to choose a more suited partner, as I realized that all of my past relationships had significant deal breakers that I had either been unaware of, or ignored in order to drive that round peg into the square hole. My other significant life event was a near bankruptcy after the 2008 financial crisis. Fortunately, I learned how to NOT spend money. I had no choice during my lean years, but I never returned to the old habits of shopping for pricey garments and failing to track my finances properly. The end result was going from a year’s worth of salary in debt to ZERO debt and $600,000 in cash and assets in less than ten years. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck to you. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

If it drains you, it’s not for you…

Love, friendships, jobs. Anything meant for you will nourish you, not exhaust you. If you constantly feel depleted after being around someone or something, it’s not aligned with your soul. 

Your peace is the biggest sign of what belongs in your life. Protect it.

— Unknown

I wish I could talk to my younger self about this. I spent far too many hours, days and years walking on egg shells, accommodating other people’s moods, and antics, frankly. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

My therapist once told me…

The moment you stop seeking closure, explanations, and apologies is the moment you set yourself free. Not everyone will right their wrongs. Not everyone will understand the damage they caused. And waiting for them to do so only keeps you stuck. 

Heal for yourself. Move on without the apology. Elevate without the validation.

Because the best revenge isn’t proving a point, it’s living so fully and freely that nothing from the past can touch you.

— Anonymous

I believe my favourite therapist would say, you still may need to process your feelings and experience around significant moments of trauma. Repressed emotion can really get stuck in your subconscious and conscious mind, and can actually cause physical illness. I should know. I’m dealing with an early cancer diagnosis, and my therapist is certain that repressed emotion is a big factor. So we’ve gone back to the drawing board and we’ve uncovered some really old stuff that we hadn’t gotten to. It’s about feelings of parental rejection/neglect and a lack of overall safety in my family of origin. It’s tough stuff, and I’m glad to finally be tackling it. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Family patterns that are signs of dysfunction…

• Moving on by pretending like nothing happened.
• Staying silent when things need to be addressed.
• Always having to be the bigger person.
• Having to walk on eggshells because someone can’t manage their emotions.
• Pleasing the person with the most dysfunction to keep the peace.

— Unknown 

My family patterns most definitely set me up for dysfunctional friendships and love relationships. Fortunately, it’s never too late to learn a different way. It’s taken loads of therapy and relationship to understand and establish healthy boundaries and healing communication. Life really is so much better when you don’t have to walk on egg shells anymore. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Learn to say no—it’s a superpower…

• Health is the real wealth—protect it early
• Time moves fast—don’t waste it
• Skills pay more than degrees—keep learning
• Friends come and go—family is forever
• Save money when you don’t need it—you’ll thank yourself later
• Choose peace over drama—it’s not worth your energy
• Your daily habits shape your future, not motivation
• The world owes you nothing—work for what you want
• Learn to say no—it’s a superpower
• Mental health is just as important as physical health
• Nobody is thinking about you as much as you think
• Never stop growing—age doesn’t mean stop evolving

— Unknown

Reading this list, I have a lot of compassion for my younger self. There is so much I didn’t know, so much I didn’t understand. I had a serious lack of awareness around my needs and wants, and around the importance of healthy boundaries. I didn’t realize I was choosing, or “allowing” drama over peace. It’s never too late to learn though, that’s all I can say. Life is infinitely better with healthy relationship skills and respectful boundaries. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

You deserve a calm love…

with someone who sees you, hears you, understands you, appreciates you, supports you, and loves you. You deserve someone who brings you peace, calmness, and consistency. A safe space with someone who brings out your soft side — not your survival side.

— Unknown 

My parents were basically at war throughout my childhood and beyond, so I certainly didn’t learn about healthy relationship modelling. I feel like all of my relationship choices were pretty good by comparison. But I learned, the hard way, that an excellent match AND good relationship skills are pretty critical and achieving a sound relationship. Above all, I needed to learn about my own wants and needs and then be willing to communicate them to my partner. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

It’s ok to not be okay…

Life is a journey filled with a lot of beautiful moments but also with many difficult times. 

There is only so much you can handle, so be patient because eventually things will get better and so will you.

— Unknown 

I think I check most of the hard knocks boxes, other than losing a child, which I cannot imagine. I’ve survived job loss during the scary 2008 financial crisis, where jobs in my field were just gone for the better part of 3 years (so I had HUGE compassion for folks on the wrong side of the pandemic era), near bankruptcy, divorce, and a series of betrayals over the years, by a friend/a romantic partner/a boss and actual family members. Ouch. In my experience though, there’s a better life waiting on the other side. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Take a think week, or moment?…

Twice a year, Bill Gates goes somewhere secluded to have a “Think week.” All communications with his family, friends and employees are banned. He brings stacks of books and uses this time to read, come up with new ideas and work on personal development. 

“A lot of breakthroughs at Microsoft stemmed from these ‘Think Weeks.’”

— Bill Gates 

I do believe I take a think break every morning over coffee. No question, this ritual saved me during life’s worst moments; divorce, job loss, near bankruptcy, family betrayal. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Come back to yourself…

When life feels heavy and everything seems too much, take a moment to pause. Breathe deeply. Come back to yourself. You may not be able to stop the storm around you, but you can choose how you move through it. Your peace is your power. In the middle of chaos, staying calm is a quiet kind of strength. Don’t rush— just breathe, reset, and take it one step at a time. 

You’ve handled hard things before, and you will again.

— Unknown

I have certainly found breathing exercises and meditation helpful during moments of stress. I’ve actually excused myself from meetings to sit in a bathroom stall and centre myself. But when it comes to life’s more profound moments in life, such as divorce, job loss, death of a loved one, I have found myself ill equipped to deal. And my favourite therapist saves me every time. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

You can be a kind person and still prioritize your needs…

You can be a kind person and still:

• Say no
• Prioritize your needs
• Set boundaries 
• Disagree with people
• Be honest
• Challenge poor behaviour
• Walk away from toxic environments
• Make mistakes
• Stand up for yourself 
• Protect your time and space

— @h.e.l.e.n.m.a.r.i.e 

It took much therapy to learn this lesson. My family of origin did not set me up to “have my own back”, as per my favourite therapist. So I’ve had to go back to relationship/communication skills school, via many, many therapist led weekend seminars, to understand my needs and to create boundaries around those priorities. It hasn’t been an easy, or overnight education. And frankly some people have fallen out of my life, which sucks. But a mountain of stress has also fallen away, and what a relief it is. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Just believe in it. Believe in yourself…

Believe in it until it 

manifests for you. 

Don’t overthink how it will happen.

Don’t worry about when it will happen.

Just believe in it.

Believe in yourself.

Allow it. Trust it.

Let things unfold naturally.

— Unknown

There’s always something I’m pursuing. And it’s always a process. Waiting plays a big role, and trying to determine the right course of action demands energy as well. But I do believe in “putting it out there” and “surrendering the Universe” because this sort of faith has served me well, every time. So I will allow things to unfold as naturally as possible. Specifically, I’ve written a little book about finding the perfect love of my life, and I’m deciding between formally securing a publisher or self-publishing. I’ll let you know how it goes. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl